Life Lessons from Dancing...

So, I spent the weekend at the DC Bachata Congress. This is my second year attending the entire weekend, and my third year attending at least some portion of the event. I love dancing, and I love dancing with friends.. which this weekend was packed full of.. but, I am always amazed at how much I learn about myself and life in general from dancing.

However, before I get to my life lessons, this weekend my friends and I succeeded in taking more than one picture throughout the weekend...

 

(haha... There are a few more from my camera, and she has a couple more on her camera as well)

Throughout the whole weekend, we took some amazing classes, learned a whole lot more footwork than anyone could ever actually retain in one weekend; so instead took a ton of videos of the things we learned. And then we spent all of our spare time doing homework, eating, and sleeping. 

So, onto the life lessons I garnered about myself and relationships from dancing.

First, here's a video, that's out of focus, but gives you a basic idea of what I'm going to talk about. We are dancing Salsa (on 1)...

This video was from the second hour of the private lesson I had with Darlin Garcia, (who is hands down my favorite instructor/professional dancer). I have a lot of respect for him for so many reasons, partially because he loves and is dedicated to what he does, but also because he loves and is dedicated to his beautiful wife, son, and God, and there is no mistaking any of that... Not to mention he is a fantastic teacher and lots of fun.

Anyway, while he spent a couple hours helping me perfect my approach to salsa, my technique, and footwork (all things I desperately needed), he (probably) unknowingly helped me understand my approach to a lot of things in my life as well. 

The first hour of our lesson was just he and I, and we spent the majority of the time working on the literal basic steps, but not because I did not know them or could not perform them, it was entirely because I was not focused on the basic steps, so subsequently would try and figure out or get to the next step, move, pattern etc.. Which of course throws off the entire dance because he (the lead) is not there yet. Other times I would get so anxious for what was coming next that I would stop paying attention to what was going on now, and as he deemed it "run away" trying to anticipate. In the video you can see me smile or laugh at him each time I almost run away to the next thing before he leads me there... And then at the end of the video the high five was because I made it all the way through without anticipating and actually allowed him to lead me... It is harder than it looks!

I realized in the middle of our lesson that in general my approach to life is foll throttle forward.. and very little of my attention is in taking the time to focus on right now, the current step... Oye.

The night before my lesson, I realized that I always thought I needed or preferred a "strong lead" meaning a clear, distinct, and "good strong" lead, which I associated with forceful... Yet I realized that I was not as much a fan of the forceful leads, and felt like I messed up much more. After spending time learning from Darlin, it solidified my revelation; the "good strong" leads are actually the yes, clear, distinct, but gentle ones, not at all forceful. Because while Darlin is certainly strong enough to easily pull and push me around as we dance if he wanted to, he chooses instead to be clear and direct, yet entirely gentle guidance... Granted because I am still not very good yet, it takes me a little while to learn and pick up what the signals mean, but he remained patient, and kept his sense of humor throughout the entire two hour lesson. 

What I realized throughout my lesson with Darlin, and the weekend as a whole is that, the more forceful a lead was, the more tense I would get in the dance, and then subsequently the more I would mess up and the less fun I would have. When I get tense, I would begin to get nervous and spend the entire time focused on protecting my shoulders from turns that were too forceful or pay more attention to the people around me ensuring I did not bump into them rather than enjoying the dance and the lead he was giving. However, on the opposite spectrum, the guys that lead clearly and directly, but with a much more gentle approach allowed me to relax, trust them, and follow much more easily. I found that with the gentle leads I would I stop paying attention to the people around me and forgot to focus on protecting myself from potential harm and instead just enjoyed the dance.

I find it funny that spending a couple hours with a dance instructor gave me a slighly different perspective on not just guys leading in general, but more specifically what actually makes me more comfortable.. which interestingly enough was not entirely what I thought (only maybe 2/3 correct haha). 

What a painless way to learn something about yourself... If only all life lessons could be taught in a couple hours of salsa dancing ;)

It Is Over...

I find myself in a situation again that makes me want to respond like a typical girl, it seems like the most appropriate way to feel at the moment, hurt, frustrated... emotional. Yet, I realize that how I think I should be feeling right now is not actually what is going on at all inside...
What is even more amazing is the peace I feel despite the situation I am in.

Thankfully my innumerable prayers to protect my heart were answered, and even more thankfully the situation is the most void of drama and hurt I have ever encountered. And, even though there is always a slight feeling of being bummed, not because of the circumstances themselves... I am actually quite thankful for how it all happened, everything I went through, and learned (cause let me tell you.. it was a lot), but just bummed because it has occurred once again.

Yet, through it all, there is a peace. A letting go feeling of complete surrender that the situation, the circumstances, the feelings all are being handed over to my sweet savior, and I will never care to take the control of them again...

I had a feeling this situation was going to turn out this way, and still chose to walk through the door because I knew I was going to learn, I was going to grow, and I was going to see several things in a way I had not ever viewed them. Looking back, I would do it again for all of those reasons, and quite frankly because I felt a peace to walk through the door, which thankfully the peace has remained. I do not think I made any poor choices nor did I make a mistake.

So, it is over, but only because one thing has to end in order for the next to start. Whatever is next, it is in God's hands.

Nice Guys...

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Connecting Again...

I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.

I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..

What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.

There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.

Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.

I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.

Once Again...

I always have these random markers throughout the year, partially because of a season or holiday (Christmas and New Years always require a solid look back), but then some of the time it is just because something memorable took place this day, week, month or period last year. Then, as I look back I sorta begin to glance over (mentally) the time that has passed since then, and the things I have done, gone, been through, and survived.

So, today I am looking back for a few reasons.. One, because two years ago today I met a guy who has since become such a solid friend, and it is his birthday! When we met I was completely amused by his antics and perspective on pretty much everything.. mostly due to the way he expressed his thoughts. I have since watched him become such an amazing and faithful friend, who of course still brings a hysterical perspective into my life (even from the other side of the world). I know I can always count on him to give it to me straight, and in a classic guy way, which always amuses me. So, happy birthday my dear friend, I am thankful to our savior all the time for your friendship, and I pray for you often.

This time period last year I was mid my first grad class, looking for a new job, interviewed for a job in DC, and in about a week or so I would have gotten offered a new job which sent me spiraling into mass amounts of packing, hanging out, and moving everything I knew and loved somewhere else... I was not happy, not excited, and not really sure how I felt about this new adventure.

I moved, and restarted my life.. and have somehow managed to survive the last year. Which is a mixture of joy that it has been a year, and serious sorrow that I have that perspective about the last year of my life. However, at the same time I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I have just walked through. I never once doubted God had me exactly where He wanted me, I just also did not like the journey. Now I find that I have (praise the Lord) found my contentment again, which sadly has been missing for a very long time. For some reason there was just too much going on for me to stop and breathe, instead I just kept going forward knowing I needed to move or I would drown. So, that is exactly what I did, I filled my life and time... literally every moment. I never found time to refresh, never stayed still long enough to realize how much I was allowing myself to shrivel up and die on the inside. Ironically, I never stopped praying about others, but I virtually completely stopped praying for myself, except that is to complain about how much I did not like what was going on in my life.

No wonder I was lacking contentment.

A few weeks ago I felt like my fog was beginning to lift, like the fog was slowly getting burned away by the sun, and little by little I would be able to breathe and sigh with contentment again. It was not like a flip of a switch, it was no large emotional change, and it was not even with an understanding of what was happening. I just knew that something was slowly shifting, the tide was turning, the fog was burning away, and soon enough I would be left with perfect sight into what had just happened, and a greater love and appreciation to my Savior for faithfully walking me through it all. It was then that I began asking for a reboot/reset button, I had no idea what it was or even how to look for it, but I knew I needed something way down deep in my core to be switched that would let the years worth of pressure go.. in a peaceful not atomic bomb kinda way.

I still have no idea what is coming next, or really how to plan (can that ever really happen) for it, but, I do know that I no longer feel like I am constantly on the edge of exploding. I am really thankful for this...

So, while nothing really externally has changed, the tides are shifting, and I know that God is getting ready once again for change. Thankfully I am totally content with wherever (please don't make me pack my stuff up and move again!) it takes me........ (yes, even if I have to move again.)

Several of the things I am at peace with currently:
The direction my job is (or likely is not) heading... which subsequently means there are changes coming again soon... But, I know that God will clue me in as always exactly when I need to move.
The state of (or really lack there of) my relationship status. Thankfully I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of trying to fit someone in my life that would require a lot of time I didn't feel I had.
The living situation, lots of changes are coming in the next month, and stresses are getting resolved.. and thankfully (somehow) I have no bad feelings about any of it... but I will be glad to close that chapter of my life.
The very core of my heart and soul feel rested, peaceful, and content.. something that has not happened in a very long time. I am so thankful to know that while so many crazy things are still happening around me, that God is blessing me (not even kidding) with inner peace.

This last year added the the previous year of crap.. to create a solid two years of crapfest... But, I also am confident that God has used them to burn away the chaff, and to make me new ("...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind..." Ephesians 4:23).

Today, for however long it lasts (hopefully a while) I am new once again, content once again, peace-filled once again, and hopeful once again.

Like the Ocean...

I was talking with my roomie last night, and we were discussing the challenges that have been the last year of our lives and friendship. How different things have been this summer versus last winter, and how much less time we have had together, but how we both are confident in our friendship. We began likening our current state of life to swimming, and I described it as "active floating." You know, the type of floating you do in the ocean. Not the typical 'I'm just gonna lay here and bask in the water' but the 'I have to be intentional about floating or I'll get swallowed by a wave' kinda floating.

(Please note that none of these pictures are mine, so they are linked to where I found them to give proper credit)

(This woman isn't really active floating... but it helps give a visual)

Then I made a brief comment about having a metaphor for the way people interact with Christ, and the way they approach being a Christian.

There are five types of ocean people.

1. The beach dwellers, they never really care to get into the water or even touch it at all. These people are perfectly content to play in the sand and really not even acknowledge the water at all.

This person is the one that never encounters Christ and pretends He is not there.

2. The wave walkers, the ones that likes the water well enough, but really just prefers to dabble in it. They are content to walk along the waters edge, let it swirl around their feet, and occasionally get the bottoms of their pants a little wet. But, regardless, they are definitely touching the water, it just has no profound impact on them.

These are the people that are "Christians" but are not really all in. They know, understand basics, and feel Christ, but they are not overly moved or effected by it.

3. The water waders, the person that enjoys getting in the water, but there is no way they are going to go deep at all, and they are perfectly fine with "wading" as their main pass time. They are definitely moved and affected by waves, the sand under their feet moves quite a bit, but the ocean still has no profound impact in their life.

This is the type of person that is involved enough in their relationship to Christ that they know and feel Him moving, but they really are still only comfortable if they feel like they are in control of their life.

4. The casual swimmer, they enjoy the ocean, they like playing in the waves, are definitely moved by the tides, and have a great deal of fun, although they still want to touch the ground so they only go about waist deep. For them, playing in the waves is fine as long as there is a measure of ability to control how much interaction with the ocean they have... even if it is really only an illusion.

This is the Christian that means it, there is no hint of just talk in their relationship with Christ, but they still have a few major beefs with the whole "surrender" to Christ. There is still a measure of restraint and fear in letting go and being free in Christ. However, regardless, these people are clearly moved, sometimes covered, and definitely playing in the ocean.

5. The body surfer, they are truly abandoned in the ocean. They are rolling in the waves, ignoring potential dangers, and completely at the mercy of the ocean. The waves, tides, and sheer force of the water create an exhilarating feeling of adventure, joy, and play.

This Christian is all about Christ, wherever He leads, whatever they are called and moved towards, they go. This is the "here I am, send me" person. Not to say their ride is easy.. because let's be honest, playing in the waves can be incredibly dangerous, but they don't care because they are out of control.

I think once you have been out further, coming back seems less and less appealing, although I think if we are out in the waves playing, we will have moments where we waffle between the measured bit of control we feel like we have playing where we can still touch, and then finding the courage to play completely out in the waves again.

So, in this metaphor, God is like the Ocean, how we enter the Ocean says a lot about who we are, and who we want to be in Christ.

Crazy Person...

I feel like a crazy person. Almost as though I am crazy, but only think I am sane... and in reality, everyone around me is truly the sane ones... Confused yet? Me too... Good grief.

In multiple areas of my life people are reacting and responding to things that are seriously confusing. The situations in and of themselves I understand, and I can even see where what I did would confuse or upset them, but when I begin to explain (again with the ocd need to be understood), they act as though what I am saying makes no logical sense at all... I am trying, truly trying to understand where their issue is, especially after I have given possible options to the situations and that does not seem to solve the problem. If any of these things were one at a time it would be no big deal, I would gracefully be able to handle them and it would be no worries.. but when multiple ones come up at the same time while I have a million other things to work on and worry about..

I am not totally sure what to do, and I have no idea how to actually react because my instinctive reaction is to get mad, and yell, and demolish them with a flurry of reasons and explanations that would cause them to pause and think in order to catch everything I have said.. But, the reality is that does not really solve anything but help me "get my way" which is not really what I want either... I want to actually SOLVE these issues, which means shutting my mouth and listening... gah! I just find it all frustrating, and something I would rather not have to deal with at all... Which, lets be honest, that is a large portion of adulthood, dealing with things we would rather not deal with...

Jesus time. That's what I need.. serious Jesus time because I am beyond full in my capacity to handle and deal with whatever I have on my plate right now.

Maybe Later...

I got the chance to talk today to a friend who is so very dear to me. She is the youthpastor at the church me and my family attend back home.. plus, she is the sister of my sister in law.. so we have connections in several different places. :) She is just one of those people that is just such a joy to talk to and be friends with. I loved being one of the youth leaders with her as our leader... we just worked so well together, it was great! Anyway, as we were talking and catching each other up on life and various things God was doing in our lives, I assumed the next question she would be asking was the same that everyone else seems to ask "is there a boy?" So, I answered her question.. before she asked it.. and she just laughed at me and said she actually had not even thought of that question, but we talked about it and how I am feeling about it... which lead to my thoughts..

So many people put this big weight on "finding someone," and while I want to some day find someone and get married and serve together and have a family, I am also certain now's not that time. I am content and happy with where things are in my life. I honestly am not sure I could fit more into my schedule.. either more stress or a relationship. I also feel like there are sooo many things I seriously need to still work on, that adding a relationship right now would really just be a big mistake. As in, I would suck it up and hurt him, hurt myself, and probably hurt those around me because of having to then deal with the issues created. It is just not worth it for an "idea" of what I want in the future. I mean someday, and whether that's someday sooner than I anticipate or whether it's still a long way off, someday God will finally bring the relationship into fruition, but until then I have work to do.. and I pray for the work he has to do. And, let me be clear.. I am not saying this in order for people to respond with "you always find who you're meant to be with when you're not looking. *wink wink*" (gag me) My feeling is not a false sense of, "maybe if I make myself feel and say certain things I can trick God into sending him my way." lol No, not at all. I have discovered trying to trick God doesn't work so well.

In the process of me trying to.. well process this out, I was talking with one of my friends and we were talking about how so many people seem to adopt this idea that they "so badly need someone" that they forget the actual WHY behind God creating relationships in the first place... God made us to "become one" to BETTER serve and glorify Him and His name. So then, why try setting boundaries so close to the line that it is easy to stumble over? If your goal is to glorify Him from the very beginning with your relationship, setting your boundaries so that it is easy to mess up does the polar opposite. Then, the whole purpose of glorifying and being better with someone than alone becomes null and void. If my goal is to see how close I can get without crossing any lines, my focus has suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) been dramatically shifted in the wrong direction. Ever step of it should be "how can WE better glorify Him TOGETHER"... which then all the boundaries become clear (or at least to me they do).. They become pure.

At this point in my life, and who knows how long it will last, I just feel like I do not need to focus on "a relationship." Which much to my joy and many thanks to God, there is no one making that a difficult feeling. Currently, I have so many flaws I am trying to work on and get through, that I just would botch up any attempt at anything more than just friends with a boy. I have to focus enough on relationships with family and friends that pursuing more just honestly seems overwhelming at this point. As though it would be the straw that broke the camel's back if I attempted more.

I could go on and on for pages I think if I tried describing all the places I feel like God is asking or in some cases making me grow. Some areas are I feel really big, and others are simply fine tuning... But, regardless the growth needs to be my focus right now so I don't miss it. And, I don't mean to sound like I can thwart God's plan for my life, just that if He's speaking it into my life, I want to make sure I am trying my hardest to listen to Him regardless of the volume at which He's speaking to me. I want to be found faithful to my Savior.

Best He Has To Offer...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that God is offering me... I mean we have all these typical answers.. "He wants to prosper you.." "He loves you.." .. I don't mean those things really at all. I've been thinking about the way I view Him, and the things He has out on the table for me... Just waiting for me to choose it (Him)...

I think so often we (girls).. and sorry guys, but I can't speak for you.. I have a severe lack of credibility in speaking for guys... So, I won't. :) But, girls tend to view ourselves as not good enough to get something, be with someone, do something.. basically anything we can think of we come up with a reason why we are not good enough for it.

Recently however, I have been thinking about the idea that God wants whats best for me.. and I forget who mentioned it to me first, but it's the idea that "God WANTS to give us the BEST"... The simplicity of this idea makes me laugh because so often I view things as I'm either not good enough or I need to do x, y, and z in order for God to be ok with giving me what I can deal with, things I can make work. Which is clearly works based.. and I don't believe that. Instead I need to work on allowing His grace and mercy, and the fact that he's already covered me flow into that part of my thinking.

I mean think about it for a bit... If I've already been paid for.. Why would I then only get mediocre? Why would I have to go through life just dealing with things, instead of being in awe of my Savior all the tune? PLUS, if I constantly am getting the best that God has to give me... doesn't that continue to blow my mind? I mean, I can think of a whole bunch of instances where I was just amazed at my Savior and the things He's done for me... Those things remind me of how small I am, how much I can't do things on my own, and how seriously I need Him all the time.

Now, I'm not talking about the materialistic side of things.. I don't mean to say that "if I believe, I'll get a million dollars... or someone will magically buy me this new shirt I want.." No, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the idea that God wants whats BEST for me.. not the idea that He will grant me everything I want.

Often times, I look at a relationship with a guy and think "I could make that work." Instead of with the attitude of "can we together better serve God? Will he be what I need and can I be what he needs?" ... So far, the answer has been no. I have not found someone I know is the best for me, instead I tend towards "I can work with this" as though it's an old dress I need to spruce up. I've begun trying to get out of the habit of saying "I can make this work" in my head, because, lets be honest.. my "making it work" is so much less glorifying to my Lord, than it would be if I allowed Him to gift me with whatever or whoever it is that will help me serve my Jesus more... I do this in SOOO many areas of my life and my relationships with others it's really pathetic...

I mean, there's a certain part of me that believes there comes a time when God's thought is "you know my heart... now just go and do already!"... And, that's where a lot of my "just act" mentality comes in.. Instead, I need to be viewing it less as something I myself can work with and make better, and viewing it as it will be the best because God's involved...

Hmm.. just a couple thoughts about God's desire for my life and my new revelation about it :)

The Mix...

So, I'm at home this weekend for one of my roomie's from college's wedding. She and her now husband are perfect for each other, and I couldn't be more thrilled for the two of them. She is so happy, and knowing her heart and the conversations we have had over and over for months upon months before he was even in the picture... it's just so nice to see those all come through, but only better then either of us had imagined. She is one of several girls I've prayed pretty seriously to find "the one," and either know for sure he's the one or get married before me... I'm thrilled she now is :)... 3 more to go :)

But, in the mix of all of the happiness and the laughter there is always the twinge of "when will it be my turn?" No worries, nothing big, and nothing like I used to feel.. but you see it and it makes you wonder about your own story... When will you find him? How will it play out? How long will it take? When will I get to be the most beautiful to someone?... And then, almost on cue you begin doubting it all.. as though some how you are less than every single other girl who has ever gotten married... That somehow it will escape you. Stupid, we all know it, but the thought is still there.

I was talking with someone last week... or the week before, and we were talking on this topic. When she brought up the idea that we sorta just assume God will bring us what we're "ok with" like we won't get the best... but we will learn to "deal with" whatever he brings us. As though we're the forgotten child who lives under the stairs... How sad, and how limiting of my God.

That idea got me thinking... Do I do this? Sadly the answer is yes, all the time. I see something and my attitude is "I can make this work.." or "I can work with this.." which right away should be a clue that it's not the best, but I begin taking things into my own hands and I start trying to plan, plot, and execute my own idea of how something will or will not work. But, I don't even just do this when it comes to guys, I do this all over the place. I assume for whatever reason that God's plan is for me to have second rate.. How sad. Especially when I look back on the pages of my story so far, every single thing has been exponentially better than I'd planned for it all to be.. So, why do I assume second rate is not just ok, but the plan?.. I have no idea. I'm an idiot I guess.

So, in the mix of being so completely happy and thrilled for my dear Ash, who is now on a new adventure... I'm dealing with a mix of how do I rely on the idea that I'm not going to get second rate?.. I dunno, but I'm gonna have to work on this for sure.

I Can Handle It... Wait...

I had one of the greatest conversations last night.. It started with prayer, and flowed from topic to topic, got interrupted, and flowed some more... for about 4 hours. It was just really great, I'm not sure how the time flew like it did, especially given how little sleep I've been getting and how late it was. But, the bottom line is, it was just wonderful.. and it got me thinking about how much I allow the past pains to dictate how I view myself currently. I really struggle allowing my view of myself to be the way God views my life and who I am.. aka who He created me to be.

I remember very vividly about a year in a half ago, I got my heart crushed to pieces by a guy who didn't care enough to.. well care that he seriously wounded me... It was the first time in years and years that Satan grabbed my heart and my mind, and viciously tore me apart from the inside out... So much so, that i saw it, felt it, and couldn't do a thing to stop it. It scared my dad and he said he was able to see the effects it was having on my thought process, my verbal ability, and my non-verbals.. He decided his only course of action was to re-direct my loathing from myself to him... That did not end well, and merely added to the pain and frustration. It was the first time in years upon years that we screamed at each other.. all the while, he was doing it on purpose to make sure I stayed focused on him instead of myself. That night is one of the most painfully vivid nights that I can remember, not so much because of anything my dad did or said, but because it was compounded by my already injured heart. I can't remember everything that was said, but I can remember each emotion that went through me, and I can remember sitting on my bed and the thoughts that went through my head while my dad and I argued and screamed. Once it was resolved my dad hugged me and explained what he had done, and we resolved to not do that again because while I realize what he was doing was a desperate attempt to protect and save me, I needed a different approach. I cannot explain how much I appreciate knowing he has that kind of love for me... Not many will willingly take my wrath, especially knowing what's coming and not caring because that seems the better option.. whoa.

But, through it all it took me almost 6 months to recover enough to be confident again. I mean I put on my facade so with in a week or so, most didn't pick up anything was wrong anymore. That whole instance was simply the last of a long string of times I've been injured by a guy who has lied or decided I wasn't enough... And, while that is a constant struggle with me, I've begun to realize it's less about being enough.. and more about who I am through Jesus, and who I can love because of the past experiences.

I can sit back and remember the pain as though it was yesterday, but I also feel like the pain is simply a memory instead of an actual visceral reaction in my heart. I've grown sooo much because of the pain I've experienced, I've learned a lot about who I am, who I was never meant to be, and how through it all I'm not supposed to do it.. God is. I'm supposed to not be able to handle it or be enough, and I'm not supposed to be able to do it on my own. If I could, I wouldn't desperately need my Savior. I would have no need to cling to Him and His love and grace in my life... I would have no need to seek Him when I'm hurting or feeling lonely and like I'm a miserable failure. So, through it all, it's been a great reminder of my totally inadequate ability to handle things on my own.. which is what I tend towards.

I have a really hard time explaining to people my deep innate need inside of me for how much I rely on and need my Sweet Jesus. I cannot express to you how much I look to Him and cling to His love for me... I wish you could experience it because it's what everyone should have.. It's humbling, it's scary, it's hard, but it's never a disappointment... I promise.

I tend towards the "I can handle this on my own" mentality.. I'm independent, and I know I operate that way. If something needs to get done, I do it because I can so why wait? What I'm realizing is just cause I can doesn't mean I have to or even should... It's ok to not. Weird.

Capable Princess...

So, I've been thinking for a while about what role I feel I play in a relationship with a boy who is interested in me. My views and beliefs have changed significantly since high school (praise Jesus!). And, they've even changed in the few months I've lived in VA.

So, while this is not going to be my final answer.. This IS my answer right now, and at least a step in my journey to figure out who I'm supposed to be, and who my Savior created me to be.

I used to hate the idea of being a "princess" I always viewed them as helpless... Until Princess Jasmine came along.. haha That's right, she was always my favorite because she was capable and strong.. and of course lets not forget insanely beautiful! I liked that she had a tiger too ;) But, I soon forgot about my liking of her.. and began once again to despise the idea of being a princess.. mostly because every girl I knew who was described that way was 1. High maintenance 2. whiny 3. Obnoxious 4. Helpless and 5. Shallow. All qualities I barely tolerated in girls I knew.. so I hated the idea of being described as one... and still to this day it baffles me how THAT, is what guys look for in a girl to pursue first.. I was always told they were "girlfriend material" and I was "wife material.." yet now most of them are married and I am still just as single as they come :)

Recently (within the last year or so) I've begun to revisit the idea of being a princess.. Not because I want to be a pink wearing, crown toting, carriage riding princess.. But, because there is something about being a princess that means being beautiful and treasured.. Both of which I want. Now, what I don't want is to become helpless.. my parents raised me better than that, and that quickly becomes boring anyway.

What I want is to be a capable princess. One who CAN do anything I choose, one who has the ability and the knowledge to carry out difficult tasks... One like the princesses in Lord of the Rings.. Beautiful, capable, and they were seriously needed to complete the mission in some manner or another. They are faithful, loving, beautiful, strong, and can wield a sword with the best of them! ;) ... Yet through it all they are cherished. Not adored as though they are God... but cherished, cared for, loved, and sacrifices are made to ensure they are taken care of... aka unconditionally loved (agape kind).

Its like in dancing... I LOVE dancing. And, what I mean by that is, I love real dancing, where you have a partner and he moves you effortlessly around the floor, and it looks smooth, beautiful, and of course fun! But, when you're dancing, if the girl doesn't allow him to lead it becomes awkward, rigid, and doesn't flow... not to mention can become aggravating. But, when it's perfect is when the guy leads, and the girl not only allows him to lead, but CHOOSES to follow his directions... both verbal and non-verbal. When I'm dancing with a guy who lets say knows how to Salsa dance beautifully.. I can follow awkwardly because I don't know where he's moving next so I fight it or delay in following.. Or, I can allow him to move me, and just trust his ability to "feel the music"... No matter how good I am, it doesn't look as good, isn't as much fun, and doesn't feel right if I lead... that's his place even if I know how to.

I'm not interested in men who don't lead because "it's easier to let her." Nope, be the man and man up... I want him to push back, be the man I can look in the eyes and tell he's sending me the signals to dance and twirl with him in our beautiful flowing dance.. and then decide I can trust him enough to follow his directions. I'm not interested in a man who lets me lead because I can... I will quickly decide he is not worth following, because otherwise just like in dancing.. we won't move anywhere, it won't be beautiful, it won't be fun, and instead it will just be awkward, rigid, and it won't flow right.

I've decided I like the idea of being a princess... but really I just want to be the capable princess.. I want my prince.. Because, lets be honest, he's always the dashing one that's buff and the hero of the story.. ;) But, we also have a father who is the King... and I want my prince and I to follow our Savior King... Yet through it all I want to know that I am cherished for who I've been created to be, and that he will go to great lengths to create our dance together so it's beautiful, fun, and flows... Even if we have hard times we will be dancing through it together knowing that it's the best most beautiful thing we have because he's leading and I'm trusting him enough to follow...

Knowing that what we have, is pleasing to our King.

The Scars That Form...

A long time ago I LOVED a Faith Hill song where she talks about the meaning of life.. and she mentions apple pie, and all these random things that basically are the "small things in life." My dad asked me "do you know the meaning of life"... This is where you as a teen always want to have some smart comeback.. but, you realize that it's sorta a trick question because no matter what you say, you know you're gonna be wrong.. So, I think I made something up about the small things in life.. and then added the scape goat "I dunno.." Dad began detailing out for me something that just clicked in my head... Life is about relationships. My relationship with another person and my relationship with God. There are few things that matter.. but that pretty much sums them all up.

I mean thinking about it.. We never get our feelings hurt or become deeply scarred by our dog who ate our favorite shoe... We never shake our fist and try to punch the sky for not being the color blue it was yesterday... We never cry because the grass has to be cut again... it's just silly to think about those things.. Everything that matters seriously to me has to deal with a relationship.

So, with that being said... I wish more people would take it seriously. That nice little saying "sticks and stone may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me.." LIES. That, as my dad would say is Satan's biggest lie.. It's his big crappy crap crap story he has convinced us.. That we are somehow this one man island, and don't need your approval.. This idea simply allows us to live in denial and it allows the pain and hurt to overwhelm us at some point maybe years later...

I can count the hundreds of times someone I know has made some comment that seriously wounded my heart... I can think of specific times when what someone said.. or in some cases DIDN'T say fractured my heart.

I was talking with a friend earlier today and he made some comment about how he's never seen me in a bad mood. haha.. I laughed at him and said, he has, I just go to great lengths to cover it.. which got us talking about why... Which lead to talking about what has caused me to be so incredibly close to my family.. I explained that when I was little (and still home schooled) we had family.. essentially decide they were done with us, and virtually an entire side of the family decided we were disowned and not allowed to talk to them anymore. At 7 I remember my parents pulling my brother and I into their laps and trying the best they could to explain why we were no longer allowed to see Grandma and Grandpa. Now, you might think "no big deal, you were 7..." Well.. when my earliest memory is when I was a year in a half.. and I was reading at 4... remembering things vividly at 7 is a cake walk... I was an extremely aware child.

What I remember from that time period is a couple things.. My parents trying so incredibly hard to be a fortress for my brothers and I (my sister wasn't around yet)... I remember weird random distant relatives coming in and taking the place of loving us unconditionally... And, I remember the rainiest, coldest, dreariest spring and summer ever... I remember at that point we were solidified as a unit, we looked out for each other and cared for each other.. and to this day there is no one who makes me feel safer than my family.. My older brother was my first best friend, and he and I will always have a special connection because of everything we've weathered together... No one can piss me off like him, and no one can comfort me the way he does...

What I remember also, is what I took away from that time... I understood at the age of 7 that I was not good enough.. pretty enough, smart enough, etc..etc.. to be loved unconditionally. I mean who's Grandma and Grandpa can't love their granddaughter unconditionally?... That's what I heard through it all... It didn't matter that I have these amazing parents that are just exceptional and loved me unconditionally... So, at that age, I learned what it means to have a disagreement and have someone.. "hate on you" for it. I learned what it feels like to be excluded or told you're not "good to have around"...

One of my all time favorite quotes by an unknown author to me...

"If you've ever met a gentle, loving, and wise person
who radiates the love of Jesus,
I can almost guarantee that they have suffered deeply."

So, with that being said, that is why I work so hard at loving others. It's why I try so hard to show them they are important and why I try so hard including them and making them feel a part of the "in crowd." Because, I've realized that unconditional is a choice.. a determination.. and I've begun to realize just what that looks like in light of what God's given me.. I've also learned that it has nothing to do with the other person... Much like at 7, nothing was my fault enough to make an entire family disown me...

Let me be clear.. I LOVE my family, I've forgiven them, I will do anything for them... but I still carry the scars. We've mended and resolved as best we can, and my parents, brothers and I have chosen to forgive.. but, we still carry the scars from it... Our scars have helped shape us. I would never choose to have that time taken away from my family.. We became who we needed to be for each other and for others later because of that time period.. It was just incredibly painful to go through, but it also solidified who we were for each other.. And that is more precious to me than it would have been otherwise..

Love is my choice because I've got the scars to show for when love wasn't someone else's choice...

Rock, Mortar, Moat, Gators...

So, the other day I was talking with a friend and we were talking about guys.. haha! We were talking about different ones and who is simply just a fantastic friend, one we look up to and cherish their presence in our life. Ones who are attractive in a variety of ways, the different qualities in each of our friends that we like and have since added to our "list." Ones who serve as the opposite and cause us to "thanks but no thanks" when it comes to what we are looking for. And then of course the conversation about guys that inevitably involves giggles.

While talking we began meandering through not only what's important to us, but also fears and how we handle them. I explained that I am very scared of repeating past mistakes, and sometimes I feel as though I AM the definition of insanity... repeating over and over the same type of guy, same qualities, same reactions, same role to play.. and yet expecting it to be different every time. When so far it is all disappointingly the same, including the heartbreak at the end and the struggle to regain what my heart lost.

Given the last time my heart was broken.. I'm not sure I would come out better because that was seriously dark, and I would never ever choose to go through it again... So, it sort of goes without saying that I'm terrified of a repeat. I'm scared of the "night" what I would feel, what I would allow Satan to totally get a hold of and sink his claws and teeth into... And, that I would need my daddy to intervene again because I wouldn't be able to do it on my own... Just a lot of pain there that I can now more than a year later look back and see how it was used (thank goodness something good came from it), but I don't want to have another time like it that can be used later... My heart just feels too fragile for that, like it's being held together by strings that slowly are getting stronger, but any wrong bump could also still cause more damage than good.

So, in an attempt to explain it to my friend I said that I've built this 20ft wall with rock and mortar, a moat, gators.. and I'll send out smoke signals... Which is more of an amusing way to explain it than anything.. and we joked about having razor wire and broken glass on the top, and there MIGHT be a bridge, but I'm more likely to just push them off it... We joked about the height of the wall saying that 7ft is a "good" height because it allows them to see in if they really stretch and jump... but that I'm way more comfortable with 20ft... After a bit we got serious and talked about the fact that all joking aside my wall is there, and I've become an expert at disguising it so that no one realizes it's there. I don't often tell someone "no I won't allow you to know this or that about me"... so instead I dance around the topic or I give them an answer that will satisfy their question without going deeper or exposing a tender area.

Now, with all that said, I think it's only fair to mention that my wall might be really tall and guarded very heavily... But, I have come a HUGE long distance from where I used to be. The things I hold and guard carefully aren't nearly as large and complicated as they used to be, my walls no longer cover the circumference of Africa like they used to. :) And, I have begun to share and allow people to help me.. which again is such a testament to me on how wonderful my Savior is, because I did NOT used to allow that :) So, while this is all about how scared and careful I am with my fragile heart, I also realize I'm not nearly as scared and fragile as I used to be.. which gives confidence and assurance to the future.. which while still scary is covered in more hope than I used to realize.

To the Guys...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I expect from guys, both who are interested in me, and those who just want to be friends... So, I thought I'd detail that out. This is not directed at any particular guy or couple guys.. This is also not because I feel like someone has messed up or needs a hint, this is just my ramblings and based on my experiences.

I'm sorry I can't speak for all girls either, we aren't even close to all being the same or having the same standards.. soo, haha good luck!

This is all directed at guys in terms of how I myself feel.. so it will be a first person to guys kinda thing.. but maybe you can identify with it anyway :)

Know what you want before you confuse me.. If you want to just be friends, be clear about that, it drives me absolutely bonkers trying to figure out if you do or don't like me.. Was that a hint, a sign, a move, the beginning of pursuit, or just expressing a level of complete comfort in the friendship..?

Don't tell me how attractive... my cousin, friend, the girl across the room, actress etc.. is because chances are I KNOW.. and although there is nothing actually wrong with saying anything about another girl's beauty.. when you mention it more than in passing and make a big deal about it, what you're NOT saying hurts more than what you've actually said. So, let me spell it out for you.. when you tell me SHE is beautiful, but say nothing one way or the other about me, you're telling me I'm not beautiful.. I realize this is unintentional and you probably don't mean it that way AT ALL.. but that's how I take it.

Don't tell me I'm "like one of the guys"... This is a twisted compliment.. on one hand I understand what you're trying to tell me is "we feel comfortable around you like we do our guy friends"... but on the other hand it is also telling me you don't see me as a girl.. which as odd as it sounds I LIKE being set apart as a girl :)

I'm sorry... You've been tasked with leading the relationship.. But, the reality is you have, so please own that role. I understand it's easy for whatever reason to NOT own it, because I'm a natural born leader, because I'm intimidating, because I seem to have it all together, because I'm active, because I have a strong will, because I have a "dominating" personality, because I tend to be constantly going 110mph... I'm sorry, but if you don't own your role as leader I will quickly get bored with you, lose interest, and stop respecting you...

On that note.. I WANT TO RESPECT YOU! I want you to take the lead, both in a friendship manner and in a more than friends manner. I'm not talking about telling me what to do, but I want to support you, encourage you, and be that kind of person.. I am looking to respect you, please help me do that by actually taking the lead and being a Godly man worth respecting.

Don't follow me like a lost puppy... While I truly love quality time.. when you have plans with your friends or actually HAVE a life of your own, it keeps me guessing and intrigued. It's healthy and I like that. Now, please understand I am NOT saying play games with me cause I hate.. hate... HATE that. What I'm saying is have a life and include me in it... don't make me your life. :)

And speaking of playing Games.. Don't. Be straight forward with me. I'm not saying be rude about it, but I'm ok with having a DTR (Determine The Relationship) and establishing that we are just friends.. will only ever be just friends.. or need to be just friend for now, but maybe later.. or you're pursuing more than just friends, but need to move slowly.. Anything like that HELPS ME OUT. The problem is that more guys than you realize have played games and either denied it or turned it around and made me out to be the bad guy because I thought they liked me based off of what their actions showed. So, let your actions show what you want, and help that along by TELLING me what is going on. It helps me to understand what you do/don't do... And, ultimately it allows me to respect you more cause I didn't spend a million nights trying to figure out why you acted the way you did or said what you did.

Just an FYI.. I WILL analyze every single thing you do. Whether you're just friends in my eyes or there is a chance for more.. I will probably talk about it with my girl friends, but usually just because I think something is funny or I want their opinion. If I'm REALLY confused, I'll go to my guy friends that I know are just guy friends to get their perspective. But, don't get worried or scared.. it's probably a good thing that I talk about what you do, that means you're more than just someone I know.. chances are it's mostly things I thought were funny and worth mentioning or observations I've made about something you've done. Sometimes though, I need to be talked down because I didn't understand what you've done.. but that's ok too.

Love Jesus. You have no idea how wonderful and exciting it is to see a guy who loves Jesus and is passionate about finding and actually DOING what he was created for. THAT is attractive. I get so encouraged when I'm around guys who seriously love Jesus and allow that to show. On the flip side, if a guy isn't interested or is weak in his relationship with Jesus it quickly can become draining and I can't rely on you as an equal. I want to know that you will fulfill your role as the leader. Trust me, if you are LOVING Jesus and expressing that I will respect you and enjoy showing that respect if you are trying your best to live the life you are supposed to... it's exciting :)

Ok, so what am I really asking of you? If you're actually interested in pursuing more than friends what do I want? I mean, it's hard to figure out what to do or not to do. So, first, if you're interested in me, PURSUE ME. I'm ok if you talk to me on facebook, text, phonecalls, hand written letter, in person, whatever. But, keep in mind too much of one is unbalanced and not good either. So, if you do ALL the talking on facebook I'll assume you're just being my friend... if your just texting me I'll assume you're either scared or a coward.. or again, just interested in being my friend. So, mix it up a bit... be balanced. If you need to start out with facebook or texting that's fine.. but, if you want to pursue me, man up and actually do it. Also, talking with me about what is going on is good cause then you'll know what I'm thinking/needing, and if I'm not feeling "it" we can talk about it before anyone gets seriously hurt.

Self-Esteem...

I've been doing some thinking recently on self-esteem, especially how it pertains to girls... I know I've dealt with my share of struggles and I have had to dig my way out one way or another. The thing that I find fascinating is that whether there are guys around or just girls around I can find a reason to not be good enough.

I mean seriously think about it, if you're in a room full of girls, that's like going to the mall and window shopping. I can look at them and find beauty in each of them. Some have this beautiful skin, others stunning eyes, beautiful and perfect hair, some have this laughter that just makes you want to join in, some a dazzling smile, others are these tiny cute petite things, some are these skinny athletic builds, while still others have this amazing glow about them that just makes you want to be their friend... because maybe somehow by association you feel cooler and will assimilate that by osmosis lol.. ok maybe not that far.. but sometimes I feel that way :) The thing is, I can do that for ANY girl I meet.. it doesn't really matter what she actually looks like.. I find beauty in her that I somehow don't see in myself.

But, the worst is if you're in a room full of attractive guys AND attractive girls.. because then it goes from window shopping to being put IN the window and having the guys window shop.. And suddenly all the things you found beautiful and attractive about the girls becomes this thing that isn't beautiful and attractive about you.. because why would he choose you over her/that? Even if he expresses interest in you, you find a reason why it isn't true.. he must be mistaken, she must have turned him down, he's settling.. There's no possible way after viewing all his options he's decided you're the perfect choice... No way.

Then, ok we finally give in and let him choose us. But, we find a reason to blow off every single nice complimenting thing he says... We get good at it too, with responses like: "haha, yeah right" "oh, please *rolling eyes*" "whatever..." Because at that point we're technically letting him say whatever he feels he needs to, but inside we're making excuses like "it's only because I'm dressed up..." "He is just saying that/has to say that" "He doesn't know what I really look like without the make up!" "He's just saying that to make me feel better, because clearly I look like crap..".. And then part of it is we just feel awkward when a guy we know is amazing says complimentary things to us. We use it as a guarding mechanism to help guard our hearts and keep us from getting hurt.. which is completely the wrong way to handle it.. and in reality it doesn't even work!

I mean seriously I am an expert at talking myself out of anything.. regardless of what anyone says. SO, the issue really has nothing to do with how beautiful another girl is or how amazing and "well made" a guy is... it has everything to do with me and my wonderful little prison I've allowed Satan to entrap me in. I make excuses like "it's just the truth" "it's how I see things" "you don't understand" "if you only knew..." None of these things are even close to the truth...

God knows we desire to be beautiful and he understands that we struggle with self-esteem in that area. But, what we don't understand is we ARE beautiful. Not needing to be vindicated by any man saying so, not needing any other girl to tell us we are... but simply we are. God created us in His image, he made us to be beautiful and talks about it all over the Bible from beginning to end. He constantly is telling us in the Bible about how wonderful we are to Him, how much he delights in us, and how truly beautiful He sees us to be.

The problem is we forget, don't care, have never heard.. whatever reason, we stop acting as though we are beautiful. I know from my own various experiences that a guy can truly destroy the way I view myself.. and when I say destroy.. I mean it. Guys have no idea the power they hold over us.. especially once we have decided we like them. They can completely demolish us with a simple careless word or action. We can go from cloud 9 to the depths of despair simply because he didn't care enough to notice us or something we've done.

It becomes aggravating and it can easily turn us to bitterness... but the problem is we freely choose to let the guy do that to us. We have forgotten how to hold our hearts precious... I know there are times nothing about me has felt precious. Nothing. I've been through times when I didn't see one good thing about myself, and I couldn't have told you anything about myself that I liked... or at LEAST thought was ok. Especially my heart because I had it trampled so many times that I assumed that was the worth of it. How terribly sad to view that of your own heart. Looking back I can't imagine the pain Jesus cried over that simple view of myself.

" Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

" And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" - Phillipians 4:7

So, then the real question is what is my self-esteem and what SHOULD it be? And then, the second question is how do I get there? I mean obviously guys aren't where it can be placed. That's been proven a million times over, and has cause quaint little sayings like "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.." But, seriously how do I view myself? What is my value? What is my worth? and How do I make myself view myself as something of worth?

Haha.. well if it were as simple as a few sentences life would be so much easier, and I would be rich getting girls to miraculously change their self-image!.. But, clearly I'm not rich so it isn't just a simple answer.. But, what I can do is detail out what I've discovered so far..

"Thank you"
Starting with a simple thank you instead of any sort of "yeah right" "ok, whatever" response actually does eventually change your perception of yourself.

"Sorry, I'm dumb/weird/odd/different etc.."
Stop starting things or explaining yourself using negative terms.. think them that's fine.. but there's something powerful about the spoken word. So, instead of explaining yourself away with negative terms, simply state what it is you're trying to say. Something like "Sorry, I don't understand" is COMPLETELY different than "Sorry I'm stupid and don't get it.."

"I really like..."
Finding things that are physical things that you like about yourself are key.. and a great place to start. Now, I know that 1 Peter 3 says "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful...".. But, the reality is we desire outward beauty as much as we desire inward beauty. So, pretending it isn't a desire is silly. I want to know I'm beautiful on the inside of course.. but I also need to know I'm attractive on the outside. No idea why either. It's just how I am.

"Yeah but..."
Man are we good at using this as our get out of jail free card or what!? If ever I don't know how to win an argument or I'm just out of ways of defending what I want to do, I use the "yeah but you don't understand..." usually followed by explaining that my past experiences have taught me whatever... The reality is this whole world is fallen.. so there's a pretty good chance that experience wasn't the best because of the fallen nature of our world. It doesn't mean we can use that to stay stuck. Acknowledge the problem, the hurt, the pain, the effects it had on you.. and be done with it. Own up to what you should own up to... Then let God have the rest. It does wonders to the feeling you have.

"Fake it til you make it.."
So, I know this sounds funny.. but there's something about an action done long enough becomes natural. So... once you've given the past up, and the issues, and the pain, and whatever else to God.. fake it until you begin to see yourself that way. I am NOT saying pretend everything is ok.. what I'm saying is begin to dance in the beautiful freedom that our Savior provides. Allow Him to take care of the problems... The problem doesn't have to feel solved, better, fixed.. you don't have to see yourself as beautiful.. but begin to act confident and you will slowly begin to feel confident in who our precious Jesus has made you to be.

So, I have a lot more.. but I'm gonna give it a rest for now.. Soon I am gonna make a post about my view of a guys role in relationships... :) Have a great Wednesday!