Nice Guys...

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.