Life Lessons from Dancing...

So, I spent the weekend at the DC Bachata Congress. This is my second year attending the entire weekend, and my third year attending at least some portion of the event. I love dancing, and I love dancing with friends.. which this weekend was packed full of.. but, I am always amazed at how much I learn about myself and life in general from dancing.

However, before I get to my life lessons, this weekend my friends and I succeeded in taking more than one picture throughout the weekend...

 

(haha... There are a few more from my camera, and she has a couple more on her camera as well)

Throughout the whole weekend, we took some amazing classes, learned a whole lot more footwork than anyone could ever actually retain in one weekend; so instead took a ton of videos of the things we learned. And then we spent all of our spare time doing homework, eating, and sleeping. 

So, onto the life lessons I garnered about myself and relationships from dancing.

First, here's a video, that's out of focus, but gives you a basic idea of what I'm going to talk about. We are dancing Salsa (on 1)...

This video was from the second hour of the private lesson I had with Darlin Garcia, (who is hands down my favorite instructor/professional dancer). I have a lot of respect for him for so many reasons, partially because he loves and is dedicated to what he does, but also because he loves and is dedicated to his beautiful wife, son, and God, and there is no mistaking any of that... Not to mention he is a fantastic teacher and lots of fun.

Anyway, while he spent a couple hours helping me perfect my approach to salsa, my technique, and footwork (all things I desperately needed), he (probably) unknowingly helped me understand my approach to a lot of things in my life as well. 

The first hour of our lesson was just he and I, and we spent the majority of the time working on the literal basic steps, but not because I did not know them or could not perform them, it was entirely because I was not focused on the basic steps, so subsequently would try and figure out or get to the next step, move, pattern etc.. Which of course throws off the entire dance because he (the lead) is not there yet. Other times I would get so anxious for what was coming next that I would stop paying attention to what was going on now, and as he deemed it "run away" trying to anticipate. In the video you can see me smile or laugh at him each time I almost run away to the next thing before he leads me there... And then at the end of the video the high five was because I made it all the way through without anticipating and actually allowed him to lead me... It is harder than it looks!

I realized in the middle of our lesson that in general my approach to life is foll throttle forward.. and very little of my attention is in taking the time to focus on right now, the current step... Oye.

The night before my lesson, I realized that I always thought I needed or preferred a "strong lead" meaning a clear, distinct, and "good strong" lead, which I associated with forceful... Yet I realized that I was not as much a fan of the forceful leads, and felt like I messed up much more. After spending time learning from Darlin, it solidified my revelation; the "good strong" leads are actually the yes, clear, distinct, but gentle ones, not at all forceful. Because while Darlin is certainly strong enough to easily pull and push me around as we dance if he wanted to, he chooses instead to be clear and direct, yet entirely gentle guidance... Granted because I am still not very good yet, it takes me a little while to learn and pick up what the signals mean, but he remained patient, and kept his sense of humor throughout the entire two hour lesson. 

What I realized throughout my lesson with Darlin, and the weekend as a whole is that, the more forceful a lead was, the more tense I would get in the dance, and then subsequently the more I would mess up and the less fun I would have. When I get tense, I would begin to get nervous and spend the entire time focused on protecting my shoulders from turns that were too forceful or pay more attention to the people around me ensuring I did not bump into them rather than enjoying the dance and the lead he was giving. However, on the opposite spectrum, the guys that lead clearly and directly, but with a much more gentle approach allowed me to relax, trust them, and follow much more easily. I found that with the gentle leads I would I stop paying attention to the people around me and forgot to focus on protecting myself from potential harm and instead just enjoyed the dance.

I find it funny that spending a couple hours with a dance instructor gave me a slighly different perspective on not just guys leading in general, but more specifically what actually makes me more comfortable.. which interestingly enough was not entirely what I thought (only maybe 2/3 correct haha). 

What a painless way to learn something about yourself... If only all life lessons could be taught in a couple hours of salsa dancing ;)

The Start of Convention Week...

This week I am out in San Jose California for our annual convention at work. While I am less than enthusiastic about the hours I have to work this week, the lack of sleep I will receive, and the inevitable few people that are somewhat crazy... I am excited for a change of pace to my work schedule, the laughter with my co-workers, and the fact that I will be in California all week (even if I will not get to spend much time here).

As I traveled to CA, I had a few interesting encounters, and interestingly enough, a couple of them have kept me praying for the person I met. My flight from DC to Denver was fine, nothing super exciting, I listened to Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis on my ipod while I played Angry Birds Space (hello new addiction). Other than the gentleman who snored ridiculously loud behind me and kept farting wretched farts, it was a fairly uneventful or even noteworthy flight, except for the tall guy in front of me in line waiting to board who I found curious because he seemed intent on where he was going, yet did so with an air of being relaxed about it as well. He also wore work-boots and a bright orange backpack that initially is what caught my eye.

Let me just say, I had no idea that Denver was not actually IN the mountains... I thought it was because of all the people that go there to go skiing... Huh, weird.

The second flight barely left me enough time to hunt and scarf down some food before having to board the second plane. What almost made me laugh though is the guy from the first flight was standing in front of me for this flight as well.. As we were boarding and as I was about to get to my row and scoot in to my glorious window seat, the guy with an orange backpack was asked if he would be willing to switch seats with this other man's wife, he agreed, and as only God can be ironic and slide into the middle seat next to mine before I could stop him. I couldn't help but laugh as I tucked my things under my seat that of course God would put him next to me... We did not talk hardly at all for the first hour of the flight, that is until the man sitting in the isle seat coughing up a lung finally decided to head to the bathroom, then we decided to chat about how we really hoped we wouldn't get sick, and that's what he gets for being nice and changing seats with people. We quickly stopped talking when the man returned to fidget and cough some more. The rest of the flight we shared occasional knowing glances and and smiles as the guy continued to infect the entire airplane with whatever he was carrying. As the flight ended we chatted about the books we were reading, the reasons we were in San Jose, and about the essential need for airborne and a shower. The thing I find the most interesting about the entire conversation is how easily God changes situations, brings things to our attention, and uses the small things to set a good week in motion. Nothing happened, we did not even exchange names, but I could not help but laugh at how the entire thing added to another one of my ridiculous yet funny stories I have on a fairly regular basis.

I am curious to see how the rest of the week plays out...

Thank You to Men...

Over the last little while I went out on a date with a couple different guys, and while I did not find the love of my life, instead I found myself reminded of how thankful I am.

First and foremost, thank you men for being decent, nice, kind, considerate, gentlemanly, and understanding. My dates reminded me that genuinely nice guys do still exist... And, I do not mean that in the classic "nice guy" kind of way, but in a completely real way. I was reminded that guys can be incredibly gracious even when I am upfront about how I feel or do not feel. I was astounded and so thankful that there are still men out there who are good and seeking Christ... I was glad for the reminder that "all the good ones" are not already taken.

Second thing I was reminded of is, there is nothing wrong with me because I am single still. I am not missing something, and God is not asking me to lower my standards (because trust me I have been asking lately).

I am so thankful for the good men in my life, whether they are taken or not (married, dating or otherwise), I am also well aware of the fact that I am so blessed to have so many amazing men around me to take care of me when I need help and who are genuine friends to me.

Thank you to the men who are gracious, kind, gentle, funny, considerate, understanding, decent, nice, protective and who go out of your way to care for the single women around you instead of viewing us as anything other than a friend or as a part of your family. Words cannot adequately express how much I appreciate the men I know who are not "interested" in me, BUT still care about me and seek to be my friend.

So, basically this is just a really long winded way of saying, thank you to the men who are genuine and seeking Christ.

Leadership, Obey, and Marriage...

Spend about .03 seconds around me and you figure out I am a leader, I have a dominant personality, and I am not afraid to step up and try, even if that means I might fail. You also will realize that while these are definitely defining characteristics of me, I am also just as happy to follow someone else's lead as long as I have no moral objections... With that being said, one of the biggest challenges with being a natural born leader is following someone who makes poor decisions or makes decisions that you do not understand the reasoning behind.There is a vastly different approach taken by great leaders and poor leaders (which really tend to just be managers). You see, great leaders inspire us, they teach us, encourage us, educate us, and in doing these things, they also motivate us to action. To simply obey someone because of their position is not effective nor do I think it is what we are supposed to do (**please note I realize there are certain situations such as war/military that require obeying, but since I am not in these situations I am referring merely to my own life/situation).

Except for my Lord or told to by Him, I see no reason to obey someone, let alone obey them blindly. To obey someone takes away the choice because it is understood that you were commanded, were informed of what your actions will be; much like a child is told to go brush their teeth and get into bed. While being commanded is not something I respond to kindly, I will gladly choose to follow someone, there are even times that I choose to follow without having all of the details, namely because I trust the person and their judgement.

Now that I have established in possibly the broadest sense my view on leadership and obeying in general, I think leadership, obeying, and marriage are an entirely different ballgame than any other type of leading/following. I also realize that I am about to launch myself into a conversation of sorts that I have no experience in due to my status as "single, never married," however, while my thoughts may change at some point in the future (near or far), this is where I currently stand on the idea of marriage as it pertains to leading, following, obeying, submitting and God...

I firmly believe that regardless of the natural ability for a wife to lead (i.e. my natural tendency), it is the God designed role of the husband to lead their marriage, which is not to be confused for making all the decisions. I think the type of leadership required in a marriage more resembles a couple dancing than anything else. In order for the leadership of the husband to work well and effectively, it requires the husband to ask the wife to "dance," move, and follow his plan and guidance, but in no way can he accomplish it without truly asking and her choosing to accept each and every move he purposes. When a couple is dancing, the man has no hope of effectively or gracefully completing the dance if his approach is to lead with force or abrupt decisions, instead the most graceful and successful dances require the guy to know what he wants to do, and gently yet clearly asking his partner if she will follow. The success is contingent upon the signal from the guy being clear, and then the girl choosing to follow or not. Once she has chosen to follow, she has the freedom to add flair, additional footwork or change up the speed at which she completes the moves (sometimes, not always is there this opportunity to change footwork and speed..). But, her freedom to change the small things as she follows the guy creates a dance which is both more graceful and more beautiful than he alone could have ever hoped for, and it could never have taken place had he tried forcing her to move. However, the effectiveness, grace, possible style and speed that the whole dance takes on is completely dependent on the guy to know where he's going and how, as well as the trust he has cultivated with his partner. The more familiar she is with him and his style, the more likely she is to follow without knowing where she will end up. Sometimes, she will recognize the pattern and other times she will be completely lost in the love and joy of the dance.

So, back to my view of what it means to lead and follow in a marriage. While I think it is the role of the husband to lead, I do not think that equates making all the decisions, nor do I think it means deciding on his own, I think it has much more to do with spiritual leadership, which is also not to be confused with him taking the place of God for the wife. I think she is still just as responsible for pursuing and putting God first in her life as he is. However, men and women have dramatically different views of the world, and I think that fact is not only interesting, but essential and on purpose. Viewing the world differently with varying approaches allows couples to not only make the "correct choice" but also to use the best possible tactic in the situation. I think the best marriages are when everything is tackled as a team... Which does not mean everything is equal or fair, but that the expectation is that each person is in it with the other person's (or entire family's) best interest at heart. I think to lead AND to follow is hard, but hard for different reasons. Once married if the wife suddenly just starts "obeying" her husband, she stops being the woman he fell in love with because while they were dating she is not commanded to submit, that only takes effect once she becomes his wife. Sure there are steps and processes towards "two becoming one," and I have no doubt part of this process includes the girlfriend learning to be a fiance, learning to be a wife... but she cannot merely switch to obeying him, nor should that be what he wants, and if that is, then there is either a lot of fighting in his future or a mere shadow of the marriage he could have had.

So, I 100% agree with the Bible that husbands should "love their wives" and wives should "submit to their husbands"... but, let's not forget we are also told to " Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Ephesians 5:21)...

 And, in order for a husband to lead his wife, he is told to love her:

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13

I think it is important to point out, it is not the job of the wife to make her husband love her, and it is not the job of the husband to make his wife submit. Both commands are between the person and God alone. I do however think it looks slightly different for every couple due to the different strengths, abilities, skills, weaknesses, etc.. No two marriages will look the same, which means the leadership/teamwork styles cannot look identical either. Leading me will look dramatically different than leading any other woman because of my strengths and weaknesses, as well as my (possibly) future husband's.

From my entirely naive of personal experience view of marriage, I think it is one of the most difficult, challenging, frustrating, but entirely worth it choices two people can make. And, I challenge you to re-evaluate your view of leadership, obeying, and marriage once more after viewing this video about Ian and Larissa's marriage.

Talk about a true authentic loving marriage.

Nice Guys...

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

My Men..

The last few days I have been able to talk to my dad, brothers, and one of my uncles..

The men in my life are amazing men of God. I am so amazed at their wisdom, care, compassion, love, and genuine desire to seek the Lord and care for those around them. I am so blessed.

My dad is ever learning and finding life fascinating, I always love talking to him cause he always has interesting things to talk about, and he always is so inspiring and helpful when I am worried or concerned about things. My dad's faith and knowledge of the Bible and Christ amazes me.. He is my hero.

My brothers are two of the funniest people I know.. ever. While we used to argue all the time when we were little.. and sometimes still do today, they are always quick to tell me they love me, and I know if I ever needed them, I would have to merely utter the words. They are amazing men.

My uncle is one of the most caring men I know, he's always trying to figure out ways to help people. He has a great sense of humor, and knows how to make each person in his life feel special and unique.

I could go on and on about the guy friends in my life that I love dearly, or the other men in my family... But, I mostly wanted to highlight a few this time since I have been thinking about them this week :)

The amazing Godly men in my life vastly outweigh the men I know that are jerks or some variety of untrustworthy.

Twilight Thoughts...

Due to one of my friends pleading.. or basically telling me I will be accompanying her to see the next edition of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn movie, and then me informing her that I have not read any of the books or seen any of the movies.. Two days later I had her entire series of books written by Stephenie Meyer to read... and about a month to complete the task of read them all.. Whoa! So, I am fairly certain I will post several more times on my thoughts about the story as I read through this series. But, in the last 3-4 days I have read about 3/4 of the first book, and I thought I would share my thoughts on this book so far.. and why I feel like it appeals to teenage girls.. young women.. and even older women so much, or not at all.

So, in case you have not read the books (no reason to feel guilty), the basic story plot (if you don't know), is Bella a 17 year old girl moves from Phoenix to Forks, WA to be with her Dad... She hates the small town and the gloomy weather, but true to any girl's dream she finds that virtually every boy in this town likes her.. but she is drawn to Edward.. (and later Jacob).. Turns out Edward is a Vampire that is part of a "family" that does not eat people because of moral reasons. Jacob is part of a Native American tribe that are actually werewolves.. (although so far, Jacob is unaware that he's a werewolf... and is not a major role in the book yet..)

Here are the things that I can easily see as appealing about the Twilight book and love story:
It is CLEARLY written by a woman, she understands the constant battle between emotions and logic (Bella knows it's a bad idea but is drawn to him anyway.. wants to touch him, but is afraid it'll make it more difficult for him.. worried for his safety.. etc.. etc..). 
Meyers clearly understands the desire that girls/women have to be fought for, protected, cherished, and found more beautiful than any other girl... We love the feeling when get from those things, and in normal life (today.. or throughout history) girls/women do not feel that way much, often, or at all.
There is an appeal that this book has that makes the female reader desire to be cherished like Bella is cherished. It is a powerful thing.
I love how easy the book is to read, I am not sure if that was on purpose or a mere side effect of Meyer being a new writer.
I enjoy certain aspects of the descriptions.. like the vampires have changing eye color depending on their mood. (how cool would THAT be?!)

The things I find borderline obnoxious:
Bella's narrative is CONSTANTLY describing him as angel like, perfect, beautiful etc... (He stood there stone like with an angel like face... His perfect face... etc..etc..) the first introduction and getting to know Edward/Bella it was fine.. (especially since it's part of his "vampire charm"..) now that they are "together" the description is getting old.
I find their conversations amusing, but their physical contact distracting.. (I think it's awkward that he holds her so much... cradles her in a rocking chair.. etc.. etc..)
The initial, the idea of having a guy you love watch you sleep sounds romantic.. but really it is just awkward..
Vampire or not, no one can resist something indefinitely on "mind over matter," it is impossible (so him holding her while she sleeps is not even close to a good idea.. and really a rather stupid part of the story)

So, while the story itself is entertaining enough, and thankfully easy to read so I can fly through it rather quickly (thank you mom and dad for facilitating me to become a reader..). But, what I keep thinking about as I read this story is the appeal it has to teenage girls and their moms.. (It was all over the news) and I keep thinking about how all that really does is highlight how much women are starving for their God given roles to be a part of an adventure, loved fiercely, protected, found beautiful etc... and how many girls and women are drawn to this book/series because they are lacking in this area.

Which then brings me back to a thought, "Where have all the good men gone?" Not in an angry, frustrated, or condescending way, but in a serious, slightly sad, and honest question sorta way...

Modesty Talks...

One of my brother's friends posted the article Is Modest Really Hottest? from Relevant Magazine and basically asked for comments and thoughts. It sparked quite an interesting discussion, but true to form, I have more to say than what will fit on a facebook wall comment box.

So, I thought I would expound on my thoughts here.

First, let me start with, Matthew Paul Turner the author of the article did one of the better jobs that I have ever seen in terms of addressing the spirit of the debate, and highlighting an area or two that are inherently flawed in the modesty debate as it stands in the Christian culture right now. When I first clicked the link I was already mentally preparing to be frustrated with what the article was about to tell me, and I was gearing up my arguments and defenses about what is wrong with the current state of the debate about modesty. However, surprisingly (and thankfully) I found none of the typical answers or comments I was expecting. I was impressed (and humbled) by the lack of finger pointing to the female population; which I am fairly certain is a first for me in regards to the modesty discussion.. or debate.. or argument to date.

At this point, I am going to divert my thoughts from the article itself to the discussion about modesty as a whole. I see some serious flaws with the debate as it stands right now. I am fairly certain I have heard all of the reasons and debates behind "modest is hottest" and as a general rule I agree, but I vehemently disagree with the way in which it is expected to be carried out by the female population. Let us just start with some logic in this debate...

Since I am a Christian single woman who would like to some day get married... let's say I decide I am going to do everything possible to help my Christian "brothers" out in the lust department. I think this is a noble thing, but the problem is which brother am I helping?.. The one that is my elder? The new Christian brother that is still trying to disentangle himself from his past? The non-Christian but seeking brother? The solid brother who is married but easily distractable from his wife? The brother who is a solid Christian and single?.. And, my overarching question, "How do I know if I have succeeded?" Who will tell me when I have done a good job or failed with an outfit? Am I really subject every single day to other men's ideas of whether I am successfully modest? Which man's opinion do I pay attention to? So, you see, before I even getting into the culture or region element of the debate, I already am having problems defining who my target audience is and the litmus test by which I will know success. The inherent problem with "helping my Christian brother" is each man has a dramatically different perspective of what modest is!

How does region and culture play a role? It is a fairly well known fact that the further south (or closer to the Equator) you get the less clothing is worn. Purely from a practical standpoint, it is just too hot in Florida to wear the same clothing that is a necessity in Alaska. And, from an economical stand point, standard clothing in the US (say bras for example) are not seen in the African countries (Ghana, Swaziland, and South Africa) I have been to. So, I am sure an argument can be made with the "when in Rome...." perspective, but the problem is, that still leaves modesty in the eye of the beholder.. region.. culture.. etc.. A never ending moving target dictated by an ambiguous definition.

However, each of these two vantage points removes responsibility from both players. Men are removed because they have no accountability in their own actions in regards to women and modesty. But, women are removed because it turns into what they should or should not do based off of a moving target. Neither perspective takes the heart into account at all; which is really where my trouble with the modesty debate as it stands right now lies.

No female will ever be able to be completely modest. Ever. Which means, we have been set up to fail.. and our hearts are keenly aware of this fact. Deep down we know that our moving ambiguous target of being "modest" to help our "brothers in Christ" is a battle we are doomed to fail because, men cannot even agree on what is modest.. or hottest. Some men are attracted to hair, eyes, legs, butts, chests, stomachs or some combination there in. So, the debate quickly becomes an "in the eye of the beholder" debate over personal preference.

Basically women can wear a mu-mu and still be found attractive.

One of the things that I appreciated the most about the article is it points out how one sided the debate has been to date. Men are essentially free from responsibility. Thank you Matthew Paul Turner for finally pointing out this flaw.

I would like to point out that it is incredibly disturbing from a woman's perspective that we are held to the standards of each individual man, most of which we have little or no contact with ever. How can I possibly be held to the standards of a man I may never interact with? That is not biblical at all. In fact, I think now is a perfect time to loop the Bible into this debate...

"The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time." - Genesis 6:5 - We cannot do it alone, our only hope is the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

" Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." - Psalm 4:4 - How is that for an action item of what to do when you lust?!

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil" - Proverbs 4:23-27 - Again, this requires each person to take responsibility for their own actions.. including lust.

Talk about loving your neighbor in regards to the way modesty is approached: 
"Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." - Proverbs 12:25

And finally, "My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." - Colossians 2:2-3

I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where our hearts and actions are held against someone else for the role they unknowing  played in our struggle. The Bible is full of taking responsibility for our own actions. We will stand before the Lord for our OWN heart's intent, and if we believe Christ, He will as He has already done, take our sin on Himself and pay the price. We cannot blame someone else for our own heart and eyes lusting or struggling.

The entire modesty debate is 

really a way of diverting our own responsibility by pointing to someone else 

and demanding they take responsibility because of 

our own rights to wear what we want 

or our struggles to look away...

Modesty is a two part dance, each partner has their role to play. Girls (I) must check the heart's intentions, actions, and reactions. That is our role in the dance.
Guys must do the same, but it is crucial to point out, girls are not involved in the guy's role, we cannot do it for them, and we are not held responsible for their part of the dance; and vice verse.
The entire issue of modesty is just like every other element of life, it is between each individual and Christ.

Love and Laughter...

My "bff" got married yesterday. It was absolutely amazing, and I can honestly say I was just overjoyed with excitement and love and wonder at how awesome God's plan and path are for each one of us!

A year ago Sarah and I had just survived a massive argument that at the end neither of us really could remember why we had started arguing, except that we knew we were each safe.. and were mad the other had not been calling as much as normal.. Without realizing we were both needing the mind-reading support of the other... We were both really struggling and life was just hard.. not necessarily for any reason at all.. Satan's just a jerk.

Now, a year later.. Her life has changed forever.. and years of my prayers were answered in a few simple words and exchanging of rings.. It was truly awesome, and she was thrilled, but totally at peace and calm about it all.. I love her so dearly, and am forever thankful for God bringing us together.. I have needed her friendship so many more times then I like to admit, and that she would ever know!


On to other things from this weekend...

I tend to write in a bit of a cryptic way so that those aware of situations and things going on get all sorts of insight and information, and those unaware get pretty much a basic overview of what is going on. Both people get pictures and glimpses of my heart and an authentic view of who I am, but the reality is sometimes carefully chosen words protect not only the private people in my life who do not like their life blasted across the internet (as if my blog had that much influence), but it also is an exercise for me personally to communicate well...

This instance is no different.. Sorry. :)

Several months ago my friend commenced into this incredibly intricately woven.. funny plan to.. you guessed it.. Hook me up.  (Story of my life haha) This story has been going on for about 5 months at this point, but the comical part is I have done little to actually be apart of "my story".. I did not initiate it, did not encourage it, did not bring it up, and certainly did not ask for it... in fact, I have done so little that I have been told what is going on as an innocent bystander. But, what makes the story so incredibly funny is the fact that I am supposed to be a key player.. since you know.. she's trying to set ME up with this guy.

I am normally a little leery with the whole being set up thing.. I have had a few doosey experiences, but given the right friend who knows me well, I will give it a chance. Since this friend knows me well, I decided not to shut down the idea right away.. 5 months ago.. So, I have spent the last several months being an innocent bystander in this whole thing, and have not actually had anything substantial take place.. except for a few incredibly awkward but funny moments, that ironically did not involve this guy and I.. just the people around us TALKING about us... without both of us present.. it has always just been one of us... How could this be?.. Well we had not met.. Amusing beyond all amusings.. and it has all felt like a sitcom/arranged marriage type situation. The type where you know someone has GOT to be filming this whole thing because there is no way these types of situations actually happen to people right?!..

Nope, they happen in the sitcom that is my life!

Well, this weekend 5 months of build up and this guy and I met... And, he earned some major kudos for how he initiated and lead.. I was pleasantly surprised. He also handled the awkwardness imposed by our mutual friend with incredible grace and style. The interaction was normal, no super incredible story, nothing too forward or assuming, just casual, enjoyable, with a touch of curiosity... It helped that he was surprisingly tall and attractive. I am not expecting anything to come of this, except for the absolutely amazing and funny story I have already. But, I am open to seeing where God leads next.. 2010 was an awful year, but I am so glad to have been there.. I have no idea what to expect from 2011... And, I like it that way!

Find Me Faith...

Is my faith certain?

This question has nothing to really do with doubting my faith so much as processing through the things I "know" to make sure I truly honestly believe with absolute certainty... deep down inside where doubt begins seeping through...

I was thinking last night as I was laying in bed really tired but unable to sleep (again), that I have absolutely no clue what is coming next. I am certain of a few things...
1. God told me this would go down like this.
Dos. I am out of a job in 3 1/2 months.
III. God hasn't told me what to expect, but He has told me not to worry.
D. I am not worried or stressed, but I am being diligent in making sure I am not getting lax or lazy during this time.

I am really enjoying this point in time where I am just totally content. I feel quieted inside, and at peace... Which, has proven to be beyond amusing for me when others find out about my pending loss of a job. I am being consistent at work, staying diligent with my homework, and making sure to continually look for a new job. I find myself praying about my job a lot, but most of my prayers are still sticking with my friends away at war, the people I know struggling with illnesses or having a difficult something or other in their life... And, I am ok with the fact that most of my prayers stay there instead of focusing on something as trivial as a job and bills... I am really working at constantly remind myself that God has worked everything out absolutely perfectly up to now, why would I suddenly worry?

In other news, I am loving the totally content feeling I have in all areas of my life.. including the area of guys. Because of previous relationships I finally am at a place where I have no desire to "make it work." I desire to be pursued, fought for, loved, and did I mention pursued? I took a couple months and really looked at the way I view guys in regards to me, and I am pretty happy with where I have settled. My basic thoughts lie around, guys (and people in general) are hurt and broken just like me... but, that does not mean bitterness and hurt need to rule my perspective of them. I have come to a point where I do not care to push and work at a relationship until I know the guy is pushing and working just as hard, that he is willing to fight for our relationship and me, and until then I maintain my neutral state. I am not bitter, hurting, nor fighting to keep guys away.. I am simply just trusting God to protect my heart, and going about living my life.

I have no doubts that Jesus will bring the man I need into my life at the right time... until then I have things to do, work to get done, places to go, people to see.... and lots of homework to do!

Thank you Jesus that your unwavering, undoubting, completely certain Faith has found me, and brought with it peace.

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?...

Saturday evening I sort of peaced out of all the different things I was invited to do, and headed for "alone time" ... (with people around of course haha) I went to Barnes and Noble and walked around until I found a book that struck my fancy, and then I burrowed away and read for about an hour in a half. Anyway, the book I chose was called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" and it's by Angela Thomas, I picked this book up without realizing I had heard this woman speak at a conference a little over a year ago, and I LOVED her...

So, onto the things I read about and am sorta thinking/mulling over now...

The entire purpose of the book is to mesh the desire to be found physically beautiful, intelligent, funny, witty, competent, with our desire for Jesus.. We want to be noticed, enchanting, desirable etc..etc.. Girls want to be all of these things physically and as an entire person. The thing that I really liked about her approach was that she not once pointed to needing "more God and less of these feelings and desires.." Instead, she points out how much we were created to feel and want these things, and how it IS ok, we just have to allow God to be the first in fulfilling these things in our life.

But, through the course of all of it, she so very openly talks about our desire for a boy to find these qualities in us. For us to have something tangible to see all of this fulfilled.. but then points to the problems if we allow a boy to be the one who solely fills this void. She walks down a logical path of thinking when the "swooning feelings" go away, and you have been married for a while, and he no longer picks up his socks etc..etc.. and suddenly if you are not careful you look to some other guy thinking "surely HE is perfect...." instead of allowing God to fill that hurt and void that your man was never meant to fill.

She spent a long time talking about the hurt in not being found beautiful. She talked about how half the hurt comes from what is NOT said instead. For example, when a guy says "Your friend is really pretty." He means NOTHING but to comment on another girl's beauty, but what he did not say about your own beauty means you were not noticed, and it leaves hurts, leaves a wound, a sting, some sort of mark on your heart. And, instead of acknowledging this or even our need and desire for this, we rationalize it as being ok, because we are dependable, the loyal friend, funny, smart, successful... But, when it all boils down to it, none of that matters, it still hurts.

She talked about a lot of aspects of being beautiful, so I thought I would include a couple quotes that I felt really described my feelings.. currently, previously... at some point I felt or feel this way...

"I've spent most of my life trying to deny the way God made me. Afraid to be strong for fear of being prideful... Afraid to admit I'm a woman who longs to be desired, rescued, and longs to be called beautiful."

"When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters."

Once she began transitioning into the core of the issue, the very center of what we are truly desiring above even a boy finding us beautiful, she said this:

"Oh, God, do YOU think I'm beautiful?"

She points out that at the core, we struggle with questions like these, and on some level believe that maybe not even God sees these things, or worse... what if he does and he begins to stop seeing me as beautiful and desirable? What if he stops noticing me because of all the mess?

"God, do you see me flawed? Do you see me struggle? Do you see the unmet desires of my heart? Do you see me trying to manipulate and control? Do you see me yearn for things I can't have? Do you see me in all the mess and STILL think I'm beautiful?"

God's responds to our broken thoughts...

"I knew the truth when you felt misunderstood." That in all of it he knows, sees, hears, and beyond all of that CARES when we are hurting.

She points out that one of the big things we have to understand is "There is a desperate loneliness that settles on the heart not heard. Lonely for companionship, lonely for expression, lonely for affirmation." And, in the midst of that, we ask once again...

"Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me?.... Do you REALLY love me?"

God always responds to these, He lovingly talks and speaks to each question in our hearts if we allow Him to. He created us knowing these things, and He uses them to continually draw our hearts to Him.

Then, she explains that we were created to give our hearts away to a boy, and that we were created to NEED their strength and that we are supposed to fall head over heels for a boy. This idea seems basic, but honestly.. the idea of giving my heart away, leaning on his strength, and falling head over heels in love with someone who could decide later I am not worth it.. Very much scares me. If I am being TOTALLY honest... my heart definitely cries out: what if he changes his mind and decides I'm not beautiful anymore? What if I fall apart at some point and he decides it is more than he bargained for?... What if he thought I had it together more than I do? What if my weakness drags him down? What if I can't support him the way he needs? Is he settling for ok when he could have had amazing? I mean I can point to dozens of women who are much more beautiful than I am both physically and personality wise.... So, what if?....

But, if I am going to pay attention to any of the things she was talking about, I have to realize a couple things...
1. Jesus created me to fill these areas with himself... which does not mean I suddenly no longer desire these things from a boy.. it just means he is the first and primary source of contentment in these areas.
2. None of these things mean my world will fall apart.
3. My future is not my own to worry about, that is not my job.

So, this is me admitting that I too share these feelings. I am "capable," "successful," "intelligent," "witty," "charming," "dependable," etc..etc.. and yet I still wonder, "Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me? Do you REALLY love me?"

These things constantly draw me back to the arms of my Sweet Savior Jesus.

Seriously?...

I tend to try not to post negative things towards guys, and this one is not different, but I just do not get guys sometimes...

I can spend all this time getting ready, actually TRYING to look nice, put a dress on, high heels, have my nails painted, hair done, makeup all in place... not sleezy, but professional and nice... I will get nothing.. no second glance. Nothing.

THEN... I go to the gym, work out, sweat like crazy, swim a million laps. My makeup has melted off and makes me look like I am gothic, hair's a mess, I have sweatpants and a t-shirt on... and I get guys second glancing and waving at stoplights and trying to start conversations all over the place... Total and complete strangers...

Or.. my favorite.. I will be dressed up like I explained in the first scenario.. and after a while of hanging out, I will change into sweats, and put my hair up in some 2 second mess of a bun or ponytail, and the guys I am hanging out with will make comments like "aww now you look so nice" and MEAN it... not being sarcastic at all.... WHAT IN THE WORLD?!.. I really do not understand that at all. Especially since all the guys agreed I looked so much better in my sweatpants and t-shirt... Weird.

I guess I cannot really complain, but it really makes no sense to me. I do not understand it. I mean get the idea of comfortable, and how that has an appeal.. but how does it make someone more attractive than when they are "all done up." Confusing. lol

Just random ramblings from this week...

Oh, Boys...

I was chatting with one of my best friends today, and we were doing the normal girl talk.. joking about who our future husbands were, and what our lives would be like.. We get a kick out of making the other one's story more ridiculous than they made our story... Which got me thinking...

Where is my heart right now on this topic?.. Praise Jesus not where it has been in the past! I am totally content with my life (which is not to say I do not have hard days/weeks etc..). When I look at my life, there are, and will always be things I "wish" I could remove from it.. but, in all honesty, there is not really anything that is glaring enough that it causes major discontentment at all. In fact I love my life, I love how busy I am, the insane pace I keep, I do not mind that I might have to work to fit people into my life.. but I have no real reason to complain at all...

I go to 3 Bible studies a week, and church twice a week. I go dancing most Fridays, and mix the rest of my free time with leaders meetings, working out, friends, and random trips or things I really should do (like laundry)...

So, why do I feel like this is important to point out?..

Because, all of these little things add to why I am really not interested in a relationship right now. Not to say I will never want one, but right now it just seems like a lot of work, and potential drama that I just do not have the time or energy to deal with. My focus is elsewhere. SOMEDAY, I would love to find a guy, have him pursue me, fall in love, get married, have a family, and spend our life serving our Savior. But, that time is not now, I am content to grow and move... while learning to be dependent on my Savior alone. I have things I still need to work on in my own life and heart before I can even think of focusing on someone else... Jesus and I are working a lot still, slowly, but steadily.

Despite the numerous times a week I get asked if I like someone or if I am dating someone (which I do not and am not), I am really just living life.. NOT planning anything. I have no ulterior motives, and have made an effort to be clear about my actions simply being a result of who I am, not what I am trying to accomplish.

To be fair, none of this is a slam or anything towards any guy... it is not my way of subtly saying "I don't like you." And, this is not a vow of singleness for however long for whatever reason... It is simply where I am at right now. Are there exceptions?.. sure. Is there a guy I "like?" No.. No guys are pursuing, so my current feelings of contentment where I am right now is perfect for me :) How would I react if a guy started pursuing?.. No idea, it would totally depend on the guy... If he intrigues me then I will be open and probably really excited and scared at the same time about it..

But, right now. I enjoy where I am... Which is as single as they come :)

The Mix...

So, I'm at home this weekend for one of my roomie's from college's wedding. She and her now husband are perfect for each other, and I couldn't be more thrilled for the two of them. She is so happy, and knowing her heart and the conversations we have had over and over for months upon months before he was even in the picture... it's just so nice to see those all come through, but only better then either of us had imagined. She is one of several girls I've prayed pretty seriously to find "the one," and either know for sure he's the one or get married before me... I'm thrilled she now is :)... 3 more to go :)

But, in the mix of all of the happiness and the laughter there is always the twinge of "when will it be my turn?" No worries, nothing big, and nothing like I used to feel.. but you see it and it makes you wonder about your own story... When will you find him? How will it play out? How long will it take? When will I get to be the most beautiful to someone?... And then, almost on cue you begin doubting it all.. as though some how you are less than every single other girl who has ever gotten married... That somehow it will escape you. Stupid, we all know it, but the thought is still there.

I was talking with someone last week... or the week before, and we were talking on this topic. When she brought up the idea that we sorta just assume God will bring us what we're "ok with" like we won't get the best... but we will learn to "deal with" whatever he brings us. As though we're the forgotten child who lives under the stairs... How sad, and how limiting of my God.

That idea got me thinking... Do I do this? Sadly the answer is yes, all the time. I see something and my attitude is "I can make this work.." or "I can work with this.." which right away should be a clue that it's not the best, but I begin taking things into my own hands and I start trying to plan, plot, and execute my own idea of how something will or will not work. But, I don't even just do this when it comes to guys, I do this all over the place. I assume for whatever reason that God's plan is for me to have second rate.. How sad. Especially when I look back on the pages of my story so far, every single thing has been exponentially better than I'd planned for it all to be.. So, why do I assume second rate is not just ok, but the plan?.. I have no idea. I'm an idiot I guess.

So, in the mix of being so completely happy and thrilled for my dear Ash, who is now on a new adventure... I'm dealing with a mix of how do I rely on the idea that I'm not going to get second rate?.. I dunno, but I'm gonna have to work on this for sure.

Capable Princess...

So, I've been thinking for a while about what role I feel I play in a relationship with a boy who is interested in me. My views and beliefs have changed significantly since high school (praise Jesus!). And, they've even changed in the few months I've lived in VA.

So, while this is not going to be my final answer.. This IS my answer right now, and at least a step in my journey to figure out who I'm supposed to be, and who my Savior created me to be.

I used to hate the idea of being a "princess" I always viewed them as helpless... Until Princess Jasmine came along.. haha That's right, she was always my favorite because she was capable and strong.. and of course lets not forget insanely beautiful! I liked that she had a tiger too ;) But, I soon forgot about my liking of her.. and began once again to despise the idea of being a princess.. mostly because every girl I knew who was described that way was 1. High maintenance 2. whiny 3. Obnoxious 4. Helpless and 5. Shallow. All qualities I barely tolerated in girls I knew.. so I hated the idea of being described as one... and still to this day it baffles me how THAT, is what guys look for in a girl to pursue first.. I was always told they were "girlfriend material" and I was "wife material.." yet now most of them are married and I am still just as single as they come :)

Recently (within the last year or so) I've begun to revisit the idea of being a princess.. Not because I want to be a pink wearing, crown toting, carriage riding princess.. But, because there is something about being a princess that means being beautiful and treasured.. Both of which I want. Now, what I don't want is to become helpless.. my parents raised me better than that, and that quickly becomes boring anyway.

What I want is to be a capable princess. One who CAN do anything I choose, one who has the ability and the knowledge to carry out difficult tasks... One like the princesses in Lord of the Rings.. Beautiful, capable, and they were seriously needed to complete the mission in some manner or another. They are faithful, loving, beautiful, strong, and can wield a sword with the best of them! ;) ... Yet through it all they are cherished. Not adored as though they are God... but cherished, cared for, loved, and sacrifices are made to ensure they are taken care of... aka unconditionally loved (agape kind).

Its like in dancing... I LOVE dancing. And, what I mean by that is, I love real dancing, where you have a partner and he moves you effortlessly around the floor, and it looks smooth, beautiful, and of course fun! But, when you're dancing, if the girl doesn't allow him to lead it becomes awkward, rigid, and doesn't flow... not to mention can become aggravating. But, when it's perfect is when the guy leads, and the girl not only allows him to lead, but CHOOSES to follow his directions... both verbal and non-verbal. When I'm dancing with a guy who lets say knows how to Salsa dance beautifully.. I can follow awkwardly because I don't know where he's moving next so I fight it or delay in following.. Or, I can allow him to move me, and just trust his ability to "feel the music"... No matter how good I am, it doesn't look as good, isn't as much fun, and doesn't feel right if I lead... that's his place even if I know how to.

I'm not interested in men who don't lead because "it's easier to let her." Nope, be the man and man up... I want him to push back, be the man I can look in the eyes and tell he's sending me the signals to dance and twirl with him in our beautiful flowing dance.. and then decide I can trust him enough to follow his directions. I'm not interested in a man who lets me lead because I can... I will quickly decide he is not worth following, because otherwise just like in dancing.. we won't move anywhere, it won't be beautiful, it won't be fun, and instead it will just be awkward, rigid, and it won't flow right.

I've decided I like the idea of being a princess... but really I just want to be the capable princess.. I want my prince.. Because, lets be honest, he's always the dashing one that's buff and the hero of the story.. ;) But, we also have a father who is the King... and I want my prince and I to follow our Savior King... Yet through it all I want to know that I am cherished for who I've been created to be, and that he will go to great lengths to create our dance together so it's beautiful, fun, and flows... Even if we have hard times we will be dancing through it together knowing that it's the best most beautiful thing we have because he's leading and I'm trusting him enough to follow...

Knowing that what we have, is pleasing to our King.

Oh the Guys...

A couple things that I've been mulling over lately...

First, people can be weird, creepy, odd, psycho, etc..etc.. but my God is bigger than they are so I refuse to be scared. I WILL be aware and alert and cautious.. but not scared.

Second, while guys can be frustrating and confusing.. I've had some great conversations and things that have happened that helped... My friend Patrick and I were talking about all kinds of things (both our minds wander, so we tend to follow each other's wanderings).. Anyway, one of the things he mentioned was that it's ok for girls to not know how they feel about a relationship... but that guys don't get that luxury. Now, before anyone gets all up in arms about it, hear me (or us since he said it first)... Once a guy decides to pursue a relationship he no longer has the right to not know how he feels. If he doesn't know if he likes a girl or not, he shouldn't be pursuing... but, while he's pursuing she has every right to not know how she feels about him and the relationship. Which, to that I would add... she needs to be honest about it all from the beginning too.. it's ok to tell him you don't know how you feel.

Also, yesterday was such a random assortment of things.. good, bad, stressful etc..etc.. But, what was abundantly clear was 2 things.. first.. My God is amazing and clearly loves me/us. Second, I have some amazing guy friends who care very much for me and my friends... even if they don't know the girls well. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to know that.. to see it played out and realize these guys truly are not just talk.. they love Jesus and they will do anything He asks of them. I seriously appreciate when guys take their role seriously and act on that.. So, because I know I don't say it enough..

Thank you to all the guys who take your role seriously and actively pursue God and what He asks of you. I seriously appreciate it, and it makes a world of difference for me and all the other girls, and I know we don't tell you enough... So, THANK YOU! :)

The End :)

To the Guys...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I expect from guys, both who are interested in me, and those who just want to be friends... So, I thought I'd detail that out. This is not directed at any particular guy or couple guys.. This is also not because I feel like someone has messed up or needs a hint, this is just my ramblings and based on my experiences.

I'm sorry I can't speak for all girls either, we aren't even close to all being the same or having the same standards.. soo, haha good luck!

This is all directed at guys in terms of how I myself feel.. so it will be a first person to guys kinda thing.. but maybe you can identify with it anyway :)

Know what you want before you confuse me.. If you want to just be friends, be clear about that, it drives me absolutely bonkers trying to figure out if you do or don't like me.. Was that a hint, a sign, a move, the beginning of pursuit, or just expressing a level of complete comfort in the friendship..?

Don't tell me how attractive... my cousin, friend, the girl across the room, actress etc.. is because chances are I KNOW.. and although there is nothing actually wrong with saying anything about another girl's beauty.. when you mention it more than in passing and make a big deal about it, what you're NOT saying hurts more than what you've actually said. So, let me spell it out for you.. when you tell me SHE is beautiful, but say nothing one way or the other about me, you're telling me I'm not beautiful.. I realize this is unintentional and you probably don't mean it that way AT ALL.. but that's how I take it.

Don't tell me I'm "like one of the guys"... This is a twisted compliment.. on one hand I understand what you're trying to tell me is "we feel comfortable around you like we do our guy friends"... but on the other hand it is also telling me you don't see me as a girl.. which as odd as it sounds I LIKE being set apart as a girl :)

I'm sorry... You've been tasked with leading the relationship.. But, the reality is you have, so please own that role. I understand it's easy for whatever reason to NOT own it, because I'm a natural born leader, because I'm intimidating, because I seem to have it all together, because I'm active, because I have a strong will, because I have a "dominating" personality, because I tend to be constantly going 110mph... I'm sorry, but if you don't own your role as leader I will quickly get bored with you, lose interest, and stop respecting you...

On that note.. I WANT TO RESPECT YOU! I want you to take the lead, both in a friendship manner and in a more than friends manner. I'm not talking about telling me what to do, but I want to support you, encourage you, and be that kind of person.. I am looking to respect you, please help me do that by actually taking the lead and being a Godly man worth respecting.

Don't follow me like a lost puppy... While I truly love quality time.. when you have plans with your friends or actually HAVE a life of your own, it keeps me guessing and intrigued. It's healthy and I like that. Now, please understand I am NOT saying play games with me cause I hate.. hate... HATE that. What I'm saying is have a life and include me in it... don't make me your life. :)

And speaking of playing Games.. Don't. Be straight forward with me. I'm not saying be rude about it, but I'm ok with having a DTR (Determine The Relationship) and establishing that we are just friends.. will only ever be just friends.. or need to be just friend for now, but maybe later.. or you're pursuing more than just friends, but need to move slowly.. Anything like that HELPS ME OUT. The problem is that more guys than you realize have played games and either denied it or turned it around and made me out to be the bad guy because I thought they liked me based off of what their actions showed. So, let your actions show what you want, and help that along by TELLING me what is going on. It helps me to understand what you do/don't do... And, ultimately it allows me to respect you more cause I didn't spend a million nights trying to figure out why you acted the way you did or said what you did.

Just an FYI.. I WILL analyze every single thing you do. Whether you're just friends in my eyes or there is a chance for more.. I will probably talk about it with my girl friends, but usually just because I think something is funny or I want their opinion. If I'm REALLY confused, I'll go to my guy friends that I know are just guy friends to get their perspective. But, don't get worried or scared.. it's probably a good thing that I talk about what you do, that means you're more than just someone I know.. chances are it's mostly things I thought were funny and worth mentioning or observations I've made about something you've done. Sometimes though, I need to be talked down because I didn't understand what you've done.. but that's ok too.

Love Jesus. You have no idea how wonderful and exciting it is to see a guy who loves Jesus and is passionate about finding and actually DOING what he was created for. THAT is attractive. I get so encouraged when I'm around guys who seriously love Jesus and allow that to show. On the flip side, if a guy isn't interested or is weak in his relationship with Jesus it quickly can become draining and I can't rely on you as an equal. I want to know that you will fulfill your role as the leader. Trust me, if you are LOVING Jesus and expressing that I will respect you and enjoy showing that respect if you are trying your best to live the life you are supposed to... it's exciting :)

Ok, so what am I really asking of you? If you're actually interested in pursuing more than friends what do I want? I mean, it's hard to figure out what to do or not to do. So, first, if you're interested in me, PURSUE ME. I'm ok if you talk to me on facebook, text, phonecalls, hand written letter, in person, whatever. But, keep in mind too much of one is unbalanced and not good either. So, if you do ALL the talking on facebook I'll assume you're just being my friend... if your just texting me I'll assume you're either scared or a coward.. or again, just interested in being my friend. So, mix it up a bit... be balanced. If you need to start out with facebook or texting that's fine.. but, if you want to pursue me, man up and actually do it. Also, talking with me about what is going on is good cause then you'll know what I'm thinking/needing, and if I'm not feeling "it" we can talk about it before anyone gets seriously hurt.