The Scars That Form...

A long time ago I LOVED a Faith Hill song where she talks about the meaning of life.. and she mentions apple pie, and all these random things that basically are the "small things in life." My dad asked me "do you know the meaning of life"... This is where you as a teen always want to have some smart comeback.. but, you realize that it's sorta a trick question because no matter what you say, you know you're gonna be wrong.. So, I think I made something up about the small things in life.. and then added the scape goat "I dunno.." Dad began detailing out for me something that just clicked in my head... Life is about relationships. My relationship with another person and my relationship with God. There are few things that matter.. but that pretty much sums them all up.

I mean thinking about it.. We never get our feelings hurt or become deeply scarred by our dog who ate our favorite shoe... We never shake our fist and try to punch the sky for not being the color blue it was yesterday... We never cry because the grass has to be cut again... it's just silly to think about those things.. Everything that matters seriously to me has to deal with a relationship.

So, with that being said... I wish more people would take it seriously. That nice little saying "sticks and stone may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me.." LIES. That, as my dad would say is Satan's biggest lie.. It's his big crappy crap crap story he has convinced us.. That we are somehow this one man island, and don't need your approval.. This idea simply allows us to live in denial and it allows the pain and hurt to overwhelm us at some point maybe years later...

I can count the hundreds of times someone I know has made some comment that seriously wounded my heart... I can think of specific times when what someone said.. or in some cases DIDN'T say fractured my heart.

I was talking with a friend earlier today and he made some comment about how he's never seen me in a bad mood. haha.. I laughed at him and said, he has, I just go to great lengths to cover it.. which got us talking about why... Which lead to talking about what has caused me to be so incredibly close to my family.. I explained that when I was little (and still home schooled) we had family.. essentially decide they were done with us, and virtually an entire side of the family decided we were disowned and not allowed to talk to them anymore. At 7 I remember my parents pulling my brother and I into their laps and trying the best they could to explain why we were no longer allowed to see Grandma and Grandpa. Now, you might think "no big deal, you were 7..." Well.. when my earliest memory is when I was a year in a half.. and I was reading at 4... remembering things vividly at 7 is a cake walk... I was an extremely aware child.

What I remember from that time period is a couple things.. My parents trying so incredibly hard to be a fortress for my brothers and I (my sister wasn't around yet)... I remember weird random distant relatives coming in and taking the place of loving us unconditionally... And, I remember the rainiest, coldest, dreariest spring and summer ever... I remember at that point we were solidified as a unit, we looked out for each other and cared for each other.. and to this day there is no one who makes me feel safer than my family.. My older brother was my first best friend, and he and I will always have a special connection because of everything we've weathered together... No one can piss me off like him, and no one can comfort me the way he does...

What I remember also, is what I took away from that time... I understood at the age of 7 that I was not good enough.. pretty enough, smart enough, etc..etc.. to be loved unconditionally. I mean who's Grandma and Grandpa can't love their granddaughter unconditionally?... That's what I heard through it all... It didn't matter that I have these amazing parents that are just exceptional and loved me unconditionally... So, at that age, I learned what it means to have a disagreement and have someone.. "hate on you" for it. I learned what it feels like to be excluded or told you're not "good to have around"...

One of my all time favorite quotes by an unknown author to me...

"If you've ever met a gentle, loving, and wise person
who radiates the love of Jesus,
I can almost guarantee that they have suffered deeply."

So, with that being said, that is why I work so hard at loving others. It's why I try so hard to show them they are important and why I try so hard including them and making them feel a part of the "in crowd." Because, I've realized that unconditional is a choice.. a determination.. and I've begun to realize just what that looks like in light of what God's given me.. I've also learned that it has nothing to do with the other person... Much like at 7, nothing was my fault enough to make an entire family disown me...

Let me be clear.. I LOVE my family, I've forgiven them, I will do anything for them... but I still carry the scars. We've mended and resolved as best we can, and my parents, brothers and I have chosen to forgive.. but, we still carry the scars from it... Our scars have helped shape us. I would never choose to have that time taken away from my family.. We became who we needed to be for each other and for others later because of that time period.. It was just incredibly painful to go through, but it also solidified who we were for each other.. And that is more precious to me than it would have been otherwise..

Love is my choice because I've got the scars to show for when love wasn't someone else's choice...