You Have GOT to be Kidding...

Sometimes I look at my life and cannot help but say "You have GOT to be kidding..." sometimes because of big things, and other times it is the smallest of things, or merely the possibilities set before me. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding...

I know I am young at 26, and I still do not feel a day past 22 (ok maybe 23..). I am no where close to the place I thought I would be when I was growing up.. and I am no where in the vicinity of who I thought I would be even a couple years ago. Seriously. What blows my mind about all of this is how even in the midst of everything craptastic about the last year in a half (I was really hopeful 2011 would be less stressful and painful than 2010), I am content.. not always happy, and not always thankful.. but content because I can see where my road has taken me and where I have encountered major forks in my life that have dramatically altered who I am. I am not at all who I thought I would be, and not even close to doing what I thought I would be doing.. But, I like it.

You see, when I was 14 or 15 my uncle talked passionately about being in Communications and Public Relations.. and how awesome it would be to do that job.. I was totally sold. In part because my uncle was my hero even though I knew he was broken and flawed. He talked me into all kinds of things because I would just get swept into his excitement, passion, and stories about what could be... So at 15 I thought I would be in a high falooting (is that actually a word?) PR job, I would be "somebody" and I would be successful. Little did I know that my idea of that would change dramatically throughout the course of my life.

Then at 18 I had my first boyfriend and I was convinced I would get married by sophomore year of college and move to GA with him after college to pursue his career choices.. I would be a mother by 24, and life would be grand.. Then we broke up, and nothing I had planned went accordingly. Instead I took summer camp jobs and found jobs in my field which helped me to land a couple key positions after college.. I dated a couple guys for short periods of time, had my heart broken a couple times.. and learned so much more than I ever anticipated about the woman and wife I actually want to be. All the while, I was crying deep down about how unfair it was that I was still single when other girls were getting married...

Then I began to travel, I took jobs elsewhere and began to see the world differently. I realized that more than getting married or being a mom, I wanted and desired to change the world.. to live a life totally sold out for Christ full of passion and excitement, and I would gladly include whoever wanted to take part in that goal and dream. Since that moment a couple years ago I have finally settled into the fact that I am actually already complete, AND that includes the fact that I am single. I still would like to get married some day, I would like to be a mom, but no longer do I HAVE to have these things in order to feel complete and whole as a woman. In fact, I have watched friends so desperate for "the one" that will surely complete them, that now they are finding themselves even more broken than they ever could have imagined. My heart hurts for them more than I have words to express... I have worked to learn from them, to gain wisdom where I can, and to pray all the time for them and for wisdom for myself in the future when I am placed in a situation with a potential guy.

Even still, there are days that I look at my life and things going on and have a conversation with the Lord that consists of "God.. you have GOT to be kidding me.. seriously?.. This is what you're asking me to walk through?!? What the Hell?!" (no joke I've had that conversation with God haha)... Then eventually after a LOT of prayer and thinking I come around to "Ok, fine, but I NEED you to be here with me the whole way!"  I find myself dealing with issues and problems I never would have even comprehended several years ago. I am making choices and learning things I have never desired to make or learn. I am living places I could have cared less about, but I am excited that I have no idea what is to come if my history is any indication. I struggling with new things every day, and am dramatically different than I was even a year ago, but, God and I are talking more now than ever before. I would not trade any of my past for any of the plans I had before.


To be completely honest, I could not be more content "in" my singleness. I have spent so much time thanking God for the closed doors and for protecting my heart and mind in this area.. Recently I have begun working very hard to keep the murmurs of "when you're content is when God brings the guy into your life" comments from well meaning people from influencing my heart because I am content to not have any idea one way or another about a guy in my life at any point in the future. I have finally reached contentment enough to not assume every guy who enters my life "might be...." and instead I am so incredibly thankful for the relationship and the unique spot it fills in my life for that moment, regardless of what that means. To bring it all down to one thing, I am content to let God figure His plan out, and let me know at the appropriate time... But, man what a ride so far...

Lost in Thought...

I don't know if anyone else ever gets like this, but there are days.. sometimes weeks where I am constantly lost in my thoughts. Lately I have been here.. just totally absorbed in whatever I am thinking.. which usually takes place when I drive, and since I have been doing a lot of driving, I have also been doing a lot of thinking. But, what is cool in the whole thing is how much processing is getting done, how much praying I have been doing, and how much I have finally had the chance to realize why I have been responding the way I have to certain things going on in my life and the lives of those around me...

This weekend I drove down to Lynchburg again (I think I have bought stock in the roads I take..) to help throw one of my besties her bridal shower (she's getting married in 2 weeks to one of my other best friends... SO EXCITED!). And, the drive down was by far the fastest drive I think I have ever made.. only it took the typical 4 hours after work, but I was so engrossed in thought and prayer that I apparently was not really focused on driving.. although I remember the entire drive...

I am so thankful for a couple things and have been really praying about a few other things...

Mostly I am thankful that I currently do not loath my job... Just that weight alone has made a HUGE difference in the amount of laughter that has returned to my life. Thank you Jesus!

While my class is not my favorite, it is also the one that I have understood the most (sadly it's statistic too!).. and the one the professor is really working with me, offering me extra credit problems (which let's be honest, that's a win-win for everyone.. but mostly for my education!).

I am unbelievably thankful for the nice weather, and the warm temperatures. I know most people hate the heat, but I literally HATE cold.. I hate being cold.. I hate being in the cold.. It just makes me kinda grumpy... So, the extended daylight hours and warmer temperatures have done wonders for my body feeling alive again!

Sleep is not exactly my friend recently.. especially with this newly acquired cough from all the airplane rides lately.. But, somehow I have not turned into a grump with the severe lack of sleep.

I miss my church here in DC... but, I am really thankful for getting to visit my other churches from the various other places I have lived. Yesterday I was brought to tears by all the men/dads who went forward after the service... I did not realize how much I have been starved of solid Christian men recently who earnestly seek the Lord and want to be the men/dads etc.. they were created to be until I burst into tears yesterday. I mean, let's be honest, I have amazing men in my life... My dad, brothers, friends etc.. but none of them are here in the Metro DC area for me to interact with on a regular bases. There is just something about those Christ following, Y chromosome carrying beings that moves my heart... Which leads me to another thought and prayer...

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.. partially due to the high number of weddings, but also partially due to the nature of girl conversations.. A guy texts, fb, e-mails etc.. and it becomes the source of girly talk for a while... Needing all the details, thoughts, etc.. regardless of what the contents that were included actually were. But, in the midst of it all, I find myself totally content to be exactly where I am... Life is crazy right now, and I know that. Trying to ask a man to come and get me right now would be a horrible thing to task him with... However, even still I know that I still desire to get married and have a family, but more than that I need to serve my savior.. regardless of what that looks like. I would love for a man to come "sweep me off my feet" and for everything that goes with that.. But, my reality is, my life is not conducive for that right now.. and I am ok with that. I also chatted with a couple friends about what would I do IF a guy decided to willingly enter into my chaos.. (because we're girls and we like these types of talks).. And, I had to explain that my perspective is not due to me being against a relationship or lacking a desire for one.. but merely because I recognize the ridiculousness in asking someone to pursue me right now. I would without hesitation create time for him (which would likely mean less sleep), but that I do not have time to create opportunity for him to pursue, wait for him to pursue, then make time for him... That is just too much. However, if he (this figment of girls imagination guy) chose to pursue me anyway, knowing what is going on in my life, then I would gladly make room for him if I thought there was a chance... But until then, I will assume that every man who enters my life is there to fill a friend role.

So, all in all life is finally feeling less oppressed. A friend even commented "you laughed and giggled a lot.. is everything ok?" and it helped me to realize just how much life can become drudgery when so many factors are playing into our stress... I like when my first reaction is to laugh instead of merely fake a smile.

Thank you God that things are looking up finally!

Tid Bits of Life..

Yesterday was my older brother Jeavon's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I thankfully got the chance to call him as I was driving (yet again) down to Lynchburg. This time to see my kids graduate and get awards from the place I used to work. It was a good time, I got more hugs than I have in a long time, and my kids along with co-workers were so pleasantly surprised that it made the 3 1/2 hour drive worth it! I miss my kids, and my co-workers a lot.. especially since while working there, even during the "this sucks" moments of my job, I always had the love for my kids driving me, and the friendships of co-workers making it better. I miss that at the job I have currently.. there is not a whole lot that balances it out.

Today is my little sister Irina's birthday! I cannot believe she's turning 14!.. I still feel like she should be 7... (Man am I behind the times eh?).. But, at the same time, I am so excited she's getting older, and we are transitioning into real friends, with moments, laughter, serious talks, heartaches, and just normal life things. I love that she is growing into this amazing woman that I get to call my sister... and who I have so much respect for! Really excited to continue to watch her grow!! :)

In TOTALLY other news, I have been "texting" with a guy. Nothing serious, and nothing to write home about (since we're talking a couple weeks of texting max), but it brings a smile to my face. I have yet to find out his affinity for the Lord.. which is pretty high on my list of things to know.. But, I am working on a couple things, mainly letting him and God figure out whatever "this" is or is supposed to be.. but also letting him lead without me either pushing him to move faster (for my own selfish reasons) or pushing him away (also for my own selfish reasons). But, so far he's been fun and entertaining to chat with, and he has a great smile. :) I am not holding my breath though until he makes it apparent what "this" is, whether just friends, or more.. We shall see.. However, I will say, sadly he will have to be very persistent and dedicated to make it through the insane schedule I have, so just looking at that alone, I am fairly certain it will deter him or any other guy from pursuing or sticking around.. Now's just not a good scheduled time in my life..

Voiceless Thoughts...

So, as of this past Saturday I have had virtually no voice. If I strain really hard I can make enough noise to be heard in normal conversation (if there isn't too much ambient noise). But, to be honest, I sound like a mixture between a boy and a smoking chipmunk.. haha ugh... A day in the life of Krista.....

But, in the midst of this, I obviously am not talking nearly as much.. (although some might disagree).. but for real, my talking has been cut in half. So, some of my random thoughts.

I for real, no joke hate sin... It ruins things. The whole one fly ruins the butter concept.. I have a serious disdain for watching those around me hurt themselves because of sin... It drives me crazy when I watch those around me justify whatever the situation is in order to make themselves feel better... AND.. to top it off, I hate that I know I do this too. Please, please, please call me out on this when you see or notice me doing anything even remotely close to this. I hate having a double minded thought process.

I had a text conversation with a dear friend of mine the other day.. He out of the blue texted me saying he was folding laundry and remembering the various stories that go with the different articles of clothing, and praying for the various individuals involved.. And mentioned Camp, and when he successfully threw me into the pool... That sent us into texting about what's been going on. THE thing that I appreciate about him the most is his constant never ending striving to be closer and learn more about our Savior. He can in a single conversation remind me that every bit of crap I have in my life is all for God's glory. Talking to him refreshes my weary soul, and reminds me where my center in Jesus is supposed to be. But, the neat thing about it all is we are constantly able to use what Jesus is doing and teaching us in our own lives to encourage the other one... regardless of what it is. Our conversation leads me into my next thought....

Faith: Determined, unwavering, certainty.
I have been surrounded by this concept over and over for a while now. In part because of situations I am finding myself in recently, and in part because of situations those around me are facing right now. How much certainty do I have in my Savior? Do I trust Him without question? Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will provide and get me through?... Well, sometimes but not nearly as much as I should. I have recently been focusing on the whole concept of Faith in God, that He is going to do what He says He will... But, not in this general fluffy fuzzy white bunnies type way.. but in a very real, very practical way. In an attempt to allow Faith to pervade every area of my life, I have begun (trying) to do it one step (or situation) at a time.. Currently, I am allowing myself the freedom to not worry about my job situation, moving (or not), or anything beyond what is necessary for me to focus on currently. I have also (for the first time) allowed Jesus the ability to work in and deal with a potential relationship with a boy.

Which, brings me to my next thought... A boy. Now, before you get all spastic on me and want a million details, he is not "my boy" he is simply a boy that intrigues me enough to give a second thought about. So far, he has shown a lot of great qualities that I am interested in, and he intrigues me enough that I would be open to the idea of seeing if there could be more.. However, there has been and will continue to be a ridiculous amount of prayer that goes into this... Which sounds like this fun little saying, but it's visceral for me. The more I pray specific prayers the easier it is for me to have Faith that my God is doing exactly what He's promised.. He is planning my future, and attempting to help me avoid harm (which is not to be confused with pain). My prayer is simple..

"My sweet Jesus, more than I want this guy or any other guy, I need You and Your will. Guard my heart because I can't and help keep me from expectations. Guide my steps and remind me of You first."

So far so good. I am learning how to take it a bit at a time and trust that not only do I NOT have it under control, I do not need to, that's God's thing. *big sigh of relief* Now to focus on enjoying whatever the ride brings :)

Love Me...

So, it has been an interesting last while. I keep thinking back over the last couple days, the massive amounts of emotions, the total void of any feeling at all, the struggle to feel normal again, the totally content moments.. everything seems to have piled on and fallen off this past little while.

Yesterday I was mulling over the idea of love. How much does God love us?... How much do I love those around me?.. Where is my line, and do I confuse love for something else when I feel like it?

One of my roomies and I were talking, and she told me about a podcast she had listened to, and how the pastor said "God's love for you isn't expressed in your circumstances, it was expressed on the cross." Which is such a great way of explaining it I think. So often, we forget that He ALREADY did everything we need in order to be loved. We feel the need to bemoan whatever situation we are in, claim, feel, and ask where's God? When in actuality, He already showed us what we need to know and has told us what we need to know.. we just stop listening.

Then, I re-found these verses: "Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:... Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand"...."Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place"... "Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?" - Job 38:1,3,4,12,35

And was reminded, my God is THAT big.. and still loves me more than I can really measure or count.

That got me thinking. Why do I love those around me?.. Because of who they are? What they can do for me? Because they serve some purpose to me?... Maybe sometimes.. but honestly, most of the time, I care and love those around me just because. I have no ulterior motive, no underlying goal, no agenda in the relationship... I just care about virtually whoever I meet just because I can. I am very thankful that God made me this way. I cannot think of a single person I have met that I did not care at all how they are if I knew/know them beyond basic one time meeting... and sometimes I meet someone once and they find a place in my heart right away.

I have had people ask me "why do you care?.. It doesn't involve or effect you.." and a lot of times that is true. Situations other people find themselves in, if I can I help.. if I cannot do anything then I just pray.. often times I do both.

Last night I was laying on one of my best friends beds and we were not doing anything but just laying there chatting and playing around on our phones. And, I began detailing out my thought process on a particular situation.. I was invited to go join some friends to hang out for the evening... I wanted to go, but the reality was the drive was too long for the time of evening I was invited, not to mention the logistics of getting home and going to work the next day would have meant a grand total of only a few hours of sleep. But, once I went through all the basics I began talking about my heart in the situation...

I want to be wanted. (who doesn't?!) I just did an entire post on the desire to be found beautiful and noticed. The thing is, if I am totally honest, I really do not think I would be wanted as much as someone else, not even in a woe is me situation, just knowing bits of information like I do. I would have ended up being "good enough" but, it would not have been what they wanted most.

Just interesting tid bits of thoughts. My prayer is that the God of all Peace and Understanding helps me "get" it correctly. See His plan, His love, His will.. everything. And that, through it all He will be glorified regardless of the cost to me... Although, I do struggle with the fear of things sometimes.. But, that too shall pass.

Maybe Later...

I got the chance to talk today to a friend who is so very dear to me. She is the youthpastor at the church me and my family attend back home.. plus, she is the sister of my sister in law.. so we have connections in several different places. :) She is just one of those people that is just such a joy to talk to and be friends with. I loved being one of the youth leaders with her as our leader... we just worked so well together, it was great! Anyway, as we were talking and catching each other up on life and various things God was doing in our lives, I assumed the next question she would be asking was the same that everyone else seems to ask "is there a boy?" So, I answered her question.. before she asked it.. and she just laughed at me and said she actually had not even thought of that question, but we talked about it and how I am feeling about it... which lead to my thoughts..

So many people put this big weight on "finding someone," and while I want to some day find someone and get married and serve together and have a family, I am also certain now's not that time. I am content and happy with where things are in my life. I honestly am not sure I could fit more into my schedule.. either more stress or a relationship. I also feel like there are sooo many things I seriously need to still work on, that adding a relationship right now would really just be a big mistake. As in, I would suck it up and hurt him, hurt myself, and probably hurt those around me because of having to then deal with the issues created. It is just not worth it for an "idea" of what I want in the future. I mean someday, and whether that's someday sooner than I anticipate or whether it's still a long way off, someday God will finally bring the relationship into fruition, but until then I have work to do.. and I pray for the work he has to do. And, let me be clear.. I am not saying this in order for people to respond with "you always find who you're meant to be with when you're not looking. *wink wink*" (gag me) My feeling is not a false sense of, "maybe if I make myself feel and say certain things I can trick God into sending him my way." lol No, not at all. I have discovered trying to trick God doesn't work so well.

In the process of me trying to.. well process this out, I was talking with one of my friends and we were talking about how so many people seem to adopt this idea that they "so badly need someone" that they forget the actual WHY behind God creating relationships in the first place... God made us to "become one" to BETTER serve and glorify Him and His name. So then, why try setting boundaries so close to the line that it is easy to stumble over? If your goal is to glorify Him from the very beginning with your relationship, setting your boundaries so that it is easy to mess up does the polar opposite. Then, the whole purpose of glorifying and being better with someone than alone becomes null and void. If my goal is to see how close I can get without crossing any lines, my focus has suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) been dramatically shifted in the wrong direction. Ever step of it should be "how can WE better glorify Him TOGETHER"... which then all the boundaries become clear (or at least to me they do).. They become pure.

At this point in my life, and who knows how long it will last, I just feel like I do not need to focus on "a relationship." Which much to my joy and many thanks to God, there is no one making that a difficult feeling. Currently, I have so many flaws I am trying to work on and get through, that I just would botch up any attempt at anything more than just friends with a boy. I have to focus enough on relationships with family and friends that pursuing more just honestly seems overwhelming at this point. As though it would be the straw that broke the camel's back if I attempted more.

I could go on and on for pages I think if I tried describing all the places I feel like God is asking or in some cases making me grow. Some areas are I feel really big, and others are simply fine tuning... But, regardless the growth needs to be my focus right now so I don't miss it. And, I don't mean to sound like I can thwart God's plan for my life, just that if He's speaking it into my life, I want to make sure I am trying my hardest to listen to Him regardless of the volume at which He's speaking to me. I want to be found faithful to my Savior.

Rock, Mortar, Moat, Gators...

So, the other day I was talking with a friend and we were talking about guys.. haha! We were talking about different ones and who is simply just a fantastic friend, one we look up to and cherish their presence in our life. Ones who are attractive in a variety of ways, the different qualities in each of our friends that we like and have since added to our "list." Ones who serve as the opposite and cause us to "thanks but no thanks" when it comes to what we are looking for. And then of course the conversation about guys that inevitably involves giggles.

While talking we began meandering through not only what's important to us, but also fears and how we handle them. I explained that I am very scared of repeating past mistakes, and sometimes I feel as though I AM the definition of insanity... repeating over and over the same type of guy, same qualities, same reactions, same role to play.. and yet expecting it to be different every time. When so far it is all disappointingly the same, including the heartbreak at the end and the struggle to regain what my heart lost.

Given the last time my heart was broken.. I'm not sure I would come out better because that was seriously dark, and I would never ever choose to go through it again... So, it sort of goes without saying that I'm terrified of a repeat. I'm scared of the "night" what I would feel, what I would allow Satan to totally get a hold of and sink his claws and teeth into... And, that I would need my daddy to intervene again because I wouldn't be able to do it on my own... Just a lot of pain there that I can now more than a year later look back and see how it was used (thank goodness something good came from it), but I don't want to have another time like it that can be used later... My heart just feels too fragile for that, like it's being held together by strings that slowly are getting stronger, but any wrong bump could also still cause more damage than good.

So, in an attempt to explain it to my friend I said that I've built this 20ft wall with rock and mortar, a moat, gators.. and I'll send out smoke signals... Which is more of an amusing way to explain it than anything.. and we joked about having razor wire and broken glass on the top, and there MIGHT be a bridge, but I'm more likely to just push them off it... We joked about the height of the wall saying that 7ft is a "good" height because it allows them to see in if they really stretch and jump... but that I'm way more comfortable with 20ft... After a bit we got serious and talked about the fact that all joking aside my wall is there, and I've become an expert at disguising it so that no one realizes it's there. I don't often tell someone "no I won't allow you to know this or that about me"... so instead I dance around the topic or I give them an answer that will satisfy their question without going deeper or exposing a tender area.

Now, with all that said, I think it's only fair to mention that my wall might be really tall and guarded very heavily... But, I have come a HUGE long distance from where I used to be. The things I hold and guard carefully aren't nearly as large and complicated as they used to be, my walls no longer cover the circumference of Africa like they used to. :) And, I have begun to share and allow people to help me.. which again is such a testament to me on how wonderful my Savior is, because I did NOT used to allow that :) So, while this is all about how scared and careful I am with my fragile heart, I also realize I'm not nearly as scared and fragile as I used to be.. which gives confidence and assurance to the future.. which while still scary is covered in more hope than I used to realize.