I always have these random markers throughout the year, partially because of a season or holiday (Christmas and New Years always require a solid look back), but then some of the time it is just because something memorable took place this day, week, month or period last year. Then, as I look back I sorta begin to glance over (mentally) the time that has passed since then, and the things I have done, gone, been through, and survived.
So, today I am looking back for a few reasons.. One, because two years ago today I met a guy who has since become such a solid friend, and it is his birthday! When we met I was completely amused by his antics and perspective on pretty much everything.. mostly due to the way he expressed his thoughts. I have since watched him become such an amazing and faithful friend, who of course still brings a hysterical perspective into my life (even from the other side of the world). I know I can always count on him to give it to me straight, and in a classic guy way, which always amuses me. So, happy birthday my dear friend, I am thankful to our savior all the time for your friendship, and I pray for you often.
This time period last year I was mid my first grad class, looking for a new job, interviewed for a job in DC, and in about a week or so I would have gotten offered a new job which sent me spiraling into mass amounts of packing, hanging out, and moving everything I knew and loved somewhere else... I was not happy, not excited, and not really sure how I felt about this new adventure.
I moved, and restarted my life.. and have somehow managed to survive the last year. Which is a mixture of joy that it has been a year, and serious sorrow that I have that perspective about the last year of my life. However, at the same time I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I have just walked through. I never once doubted God had me exactly where He wanted me, I just also did not like the journey. Now I find that I have (praise the Lord) found my contentment again, which sadly has been missing for a very long time. For some reason there was just too much going on for me to stop and breathe, instead I just kept going forward knowing I needed to move or I would drown. So, that is exactly what I did, I filled my life and time... literally every moment. I never found time to refresh, never stayed still long enough to realize how much I was allowing myself to shrivel up and die on the inside. Ironically, I never stopped praying about others, but I virtually completely stopped praying for myself, except that is to complain about how much I did not like what was going on in my life.
No wonder I was lacking contentment.
A few weeks ago I felt like my fog was beginning to lift, like the fog was slowly getting burned away by the sun, and little by little I would be able to breathe and sigh with contentment again. It was not like a flip of a switch, it was no large emotional change, and it was not even with an understanding of what was happening. I just knew that something was slowly shifting, the tide was turning, the fog was burning away, and soon enough I would be left with perfect sight into what had just happened, and a greater love and appreciation to my Savior for faithfully walking me through it all. It was then that I began asking for a reboot/reset button, I had no idea what it was or even how to look for it, but I knew I needed something way down deep in my core to be switched that would let the years worth of pressure go.. in a peaceful not atomic bomb kinda way.
I still have no idea what is coming next, or really how to plan (can that ever really happen) for it, but, I do know that I no longer feel like I am constantly on the edge of exploding. I am really thankful for this...
So, while nothing really externally has changed, the tides are shifting, and I know that God is getting ready once again for change. Thankfully I am totally content with wherever (please don't make me pack my stuff up and move again!) it takes me........ (yes, even if I have to move again.)
Several of the things I am at peace with currently:
The direction my job is (or likely is not) heading... which subsequently means there are changes coming again soon... But, I know that God will clue me in as always exactly when I need to move.
The state of (or really lack there of) my relationship status. Thankfully I no longer feel an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of trying to fit someone in my life that would require a lot of time I didn't feel I had.
The living situation, lots of changes are coming in the next month, and stresses are getting resolved.. and thankfully (somehow) I have no bad feelings about any of it... but I will be glad to close that chapter of my life.
The very core of my heart and soul feel rested, peaceful, and content.. something that has not happened in a very long time. I am so thankful to know that while so many crazy things are still happening around me, that God is blessing me (not even kidding) with inner peace.
This last year added the the previous year of crap.. to create a solid two years of crapfest... But, I also am confident that God has used them to burn away the chaff, and to make me new ("...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind..." Ephesians 4:23).
Today, for however long it lasts (hopefully a while) I am new once again, content once again, peace-filled once again, and hopeful once again.
Showing posts with label Control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Control. Show all posts
Sep 30, 2011
Jul 6, 2010
Silent...
I have been silent for a while.. Not in terms of actual silence because regardless of how you are feeling, life goes on.. work goes on, friends and family require time.. But, there is still a difference when inside you feel silent.
Inside I am silent. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
I have this, ever present picture of my relationship with my Savior being a journey through a rainforest or similar type woods. Sometimes it is night, sometimes it is daytime, sometimes I can see my path perfectly, and other times, I wish desperately I had a machete to chop away what is blocking my view, and sometimes it is a fun (or not so much) combination of all of these. Everything I feel or experience (especially with my Lord) gets put into the context of this forest. So, in my descriptions, a lot of times I cannot explain what I am feeling.. and the only thing I can do is describe a word picture I have in my head (thanks Dad.. I totally get this from you...).
So, the current word picture... If you have ever spent any amount of time in the woods or a forest or any sort, you realize the louder you are the less you hear of the things going on around you... The brighter the daytime, or the brighter the light you carry, and the less you see of the life and the world going on around you. I have spent so many months being so loud... Physically and mentally. I have talked, moved, thought, wrote, shouted, ran, drove.. I did everything possible. The only time I stopped was when I felt forced to, when I had no other option.
I have been fighting so hard for such a long time. Fighting to keep my life together, to seek God better today then I did yesterday, to master every detail, to follow God's perfect Will, I have spent more hours than I can count trying to reach or help anyone and everyone that comes into contact with me. I have spent almost every waking moment of the last several months trying to avoid the pain and hurt that has somehow become a constant ache in my life, a new normal. I have spent months fighting any and every emotion I feel inside to avoid the potential of it leading to a breakdown... Even if I have talked about what is going on, I have avoided actually allowing myself to experience and feel the full and unadulterated emotions of everything going on. Only a couple times have I been unable to contain and control the emotions, sometimes with a lot of pushing and prodding, and sometimes because I was just too overwhelmed to keep the emotions from breaking and spilling everywhere.. especially since I feel like they, whether good or bad are coursing through my veins constantly. I fight daily to be anything but mundane, to help those around me, to be the daughter, sister, co-worker, mentor, and friend that those around me need. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night asking God to help me be even just one step closer to the Krista He wants me to be. Tired yet?... I am.
I realized today that a lot of my joy has been lost or become hidden under the pain and stress that has been my focus. That statement alone makes me want to cry.. But, then again that would be expressing the emotions I do not want to allow to take over... *sigh* yeah, I know. It is not that my joy has disappeared and I cannot find it, it is that I have spent way too much of my time talking, moving, really anything to keep things together, instead of letting God have control. My desire to keep the pain from destroying me has become the goal each day.. and I have done all sorts of things to accomplish this. Some days I have just shut down inside, others I have spent the entire day praying, I have journaled, read, listened and blared music, I have laid on a dock and listened to water lap against the shore, I have slept, and gone out for coffee with friends... All of these things are great and wonderful things.. But, the problem comes back to, I have done these things in an attempt to fix and control what is going on...
Please do not get me wrong, I have not stopped seeking my Jesus through all of this. It is not like I have turned and walked away, nor do I feel like He has left me at all. I have seen Him working in some pretty spectacular ways... And, I have certainly discovered an entirely new affinity for prayer that I NEVER had before. I have found a new way that I absolutely LOVE talking to my Savior, my Lord, my God... But, I have somehow forgot to just stop.. to be silent, to wait.. to just listen without any intent at all but to just BE with my Savior.
So, here I am... partially because I think Jesus has cornered me, but partially because I have begun to realize I just want to sit and be still and listen.
So, here I am. Silent.
Inside I am silent. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
I have this, ever present picture of my relationship with my Savior being a journey through a rainforest or similar type woods. Sometimes it is night, sometimes it is daytime, sometimes I can see my path perfectly, and other times, I wish desperately I had a machete to chop away what is blocking my view, and sometimes it is a fun (or not so much) combination of all of these. Everything I feel or experience (especially with my Lord) gets put into the context of this forest. So, in my descriptions, a lot of times I cannot explain what I am feeling.. and the only thing I can do is describe a word picture I have in my head (thanks Dad.. I totally get this from you...).
So, the current word picture... If you have ever spent any amount of time in the woods or a forest or any sort, you realize the louder you are the less you hear of the things going on around you... The brighter the daytime, or the brighter the light you carry, and the less you see of the life and the world going on around you. I have spent so many months being so loud... Physically and mentally. I have talked, moved, thought, wrote, shouted, ran, drove.. I did everything possible. The only time I stopped was when I felt forced to, when I had no other option.
I have been fighting so hard for such a long time. Fighting to keep my life together, to seek God better today then I did yesterday, to master every detail, to follow God's perfect Will, I have spent more hours than I can count trying to reach or help anyone and everyone that comes into contact with me. I have spent almost every waking moment of the last several months trying to avoid the pain and hurt that has somehow become a constant ache in my life, a new normal. I have spent months fighting any and every emotion I feel inside to avoid the potential of it leading to a breakdown... Even if I have talked about what is going on, I have avoided actually allowing myself to experience and feel the full and unadulterated emotions of everything going on. Only a couple times have I been unable to contain and control the emotions, sometimes with a lot of pushing and prodding, and sometimes because I was just too overwhelmed to keep the emotions from breaking and spilling everywhere.. especially since I feel like they, whether good or bad are coursing through my veins constantly. I fight daily to be anything but mundane, to help those around me, to be the daughter, sister, co-worker, mentor, and friend that those around me need. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night asking God to help me be even just one step closer to the Krista He wants me to be. Tired yet?... I am.
I realized today that a lot of my joy has been lost or become hidden under the pain and stress that has been my focus. That statement alone makes me want to cry.. But, then again that would be expressing the emotions I do not want to allow to take over... *sigh* yeah, I know. It is not that my joy has disappeared and I cannot find it, it is that I have spent way too much of my time talking, moving, really anything to keep things together, instead of letting God have control. My desire to keep the pain from destroying me has become the goal each day.. and I have done all sorts of things to accomplish this. Some days I have just shut down inside, others I have spent the entire day praying, I have journaled, read, listened and blared music, I have laid on a dock and listened to water lap against the shore, I have slept, and gone out for coffee with friends... All of these things are great and wonderful things.. But, the problem comes back to, I have done these things in an attempt to fix and control what is going on...
Please do not get me wrong, I have not stopped seeking my Jesus through all of this. It is not like I have turned and walked away, nor do I feel like He has left me at all. I have seen Him working in some pretty spectacular ways... And, I have certainly discovered an entirely new affinity for prayer that I NEVER had before. I have found a new way that I absolutely LOVE talking to my Savior, my Lord, my God... But, I have somehow forgot to just stop.. to be silent, to wait.. to just listen without any intent at all but to just BE with my Savior.
So, here I am... partially because I think Jesus has cornered me, but partially because I have begun to realize I just want to sit and be still and listen.
So, here I am. Silent.
Jun 23, 2010
Falling Backwards...
Last night I spent a lot of time in prayer. I just really wanted to talk to my Jesus, and I really needed Him to talk back. I did not hear any resounding voice from heaven, but I did have a great time communicating while journaling to Him. I realized last night that sometimes even without realizing it, I attempt to control or manipulate a situation so I am more comfortable in it, less scared, whatever... and really I just want to be in control enough to feel like my life is not out of control.
I hate that about myself. I hate that I have this almost never ending desire to control and know what to expect next. I decided today I am going to let go, and just let God control my life.. and I will forget tomorrow... or worse, I will forget in 2 seconds when I see a shiny object haha... it's really obnoxious, even to myself.
However, in my never ending pursuit of perfection I try and try again... Or maybe it is because I am insane... ;)
Anyway, last night I realized once again another area in my life that I really am trying desperately to hold onto, although, it is less of an "area" as much as a trait I realized that is connected to several areas in my life, and that trait has been cultivated out of fear. So, I spent a lot of time praying last night and I journaled just explaining to God (as if I have to.. but I like knowing I have taken the time to talk out my thoughts and feelings with my creator) that I am really just tired of the struggle to have control. I desire to be freed and let go, to just let go, take a step backwards and fall off the cliff knowing He will be there. Obviously I am really into word pictures... And, the reason I have described it this way is when you fall backwards, you REALLY have no control, you cannot even prepare for what is coming. You just have to go with it. So, this is me, once again voluntarily losing control of my life and knowing that my sweet Savior, my Creator, my always present help has already caught me and taken care of what is going on in my life.
Now, on to the listening to Him part...
I hate that about myself. I hate that I have this almost never ending desire to control and know what to expect next. I decided today I am going to let go, and just let God control my life.. and I will forget tomorrow... or worse, I will forget in 2 seconds when I see a shiny object haha... it's really obnoxious, even to myself.
However, in my never ending pursuit of perfection I try and try again... Or maybe it is because I am insane... ;)
Anyway, last night I realized once again another area in my life that I really am trying desperately to hold onto, although, it is less of an "area" as much as a trait I realized that is connected to several areas in my life, and that trait has been cultivated out of fear. So, I spent a lot of time praying last night and I journaled just explaining to God (as if I have to.. but I like knowing I have taken the time to talk out my thoughts and feelings with my creator) that I am really just tired of the struggle to have control. I desire to be freed and let go, to just let go, take a step backwards and fall off the cliff knowing He will be there. Obviously I am really into word pictures... And, the reason I have described it this way is when you fall backwards, you REALLY have no control, you cannot even prepare for what is coming. You just have to go with it. So, this is me, once again voluntarily losing control of my life and knowing that my sweet Savior, my Creator, my always present help has already caught me and taken care of what is going on in my life.
Now, on to the listening to Him part...
Sep 30, 2009
Humbled Heart...
Even when I have it all together, things out of my control spiral into chaos. I can do nothing wrong, and still find myself in the midst of issues and problems to solve...
Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.
All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.
Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me...
Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..
So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven't a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot... Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That's where true freedom will come...
*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.
Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.
All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.
Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me...
Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..
So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven't a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot... Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That's where true freedom will come...
*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.
Jul 6, 2009
The Bud To Flower...
So, I was talking earlier with one of my best friends and I was telling her about all the areas I feel I'm growing.. or more specificically the areas I feel like God is growing me. I was explaining to her my fears and the things I am worried about and how I feel like God is shaping and molding me despite my hang ups. At this particular time, I am not going into my fears because they are pretty specific, and not beneficial for anyone... but, I don't mind sharing the ways God is growing me... I feel that's a better focus anyway since my fears are not substantiated at all.. just my human imperfect side showing up.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
I kinda feel like this quote is a good representation of what's going on right now. I remember back in the late fall early winter that I felt like God was growing me at an exponential rate... At times, I felt like my learning curve was STRAIGHT UP. I really felt like I was not allowed to have a curve... just to move up. Today, I feel the same... Or I guess lately I have the same feeling, only now it's in a completely different area than it was in the late fall early winter.
Currently, I feel like I am meant to grow and mature on the side of independence/dependence. It's weird because it is not an area I ever really felt like I had an issue with. I mean I have always known I am independent. As a child, if my brother could do it so could I... So, I learned to read at 4, write cursive at 6, started martial arts at 7.. etc.. etc.. I didn't really think about it, I just did it if he could do it. I have always loved my independence, I appreciate my ability to go and do, my adventurous side is one of the qualities I enjoy about who I am. My ability to go and do cause God said so... I am proud of the fact that for the most part I am capable. Not an iron fortress that needs no one.. but someone who pulls my own weight most of the time.
After high school, and especially after college I began to realize that my natural instinct towards independence sometimes needs to be tapered to allow others to flourish or just because it is better for me to be dependent. But, even still, it was not a big deal, a few minor areas here and there. There are maybe a hand full of times that I can remember when I had to choose to be dependent instead of independent, I mean really, not anything big... Just things like allowing a guy to open a door for me.. lol I mean honestly minor things.
And then, I moved here.. the land of I-didn't-think-I-needed-to-grow-but-have-no-choice-now. And suddenly, I have all these areas that make me feel like a midget in the land of tall (metephocically speaking of course lol). Now, I am faced with choices daily of whether I want to fight my natural instinct of taking care of things myself or if I plan on being dependent on others...
Honestly, the hardest part is that most of the time I just do not think about what I am doing long enough to realize I am choosing independence over dependence. And, I am not just talking in terms of guy/girl relationsions... I do it all over the place for virtually everyone. But, the thing that is kinda funny is I push others to be dependent on me, I encourage them to lean on me and let me do things for them... and in some areas with some people I have gotten really good at reciprocating that. But, then there are these other areas where I just really struggle with it.. and I mean I fight. I will fight to keep my independence.. for honestly no reason at all. The only thing I can come up with is maybe I am used to it, and have "always done it this way." Which is an excuse I HATE.
So... Right now I'm a bud turning to a flower because it's just not acceptable to be a bud anymore...
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
I kinda feel like this quote is a good representation of what's going on right now. I remember back in the late fall early winter that I felt like God was growing me at an exponential rate... At times, I felt like my learning curve was STRAIGHT UP. I really felt like I was not allowed to have a curve... just to move up. Today, I feel the same... Or I guess lately I have the same feeling, only now it's in a completely different area than it was in the late fall early winter.
Currently, I feel like I am meant to grow and mature on the side of independence/dependence. It's weird because it is not an area I ever really felt like I had an issue with. I mean I have always known I am independent. As a child, if my brother could do it so could I... So, I learned to read at 4, write cursive at 6, started martial arts at 7.. etc.. etc.. I didn't really think about it, I just did it if he could do it. I have always loved my independence, I appreciate my ability to go and do, my adventurous side is one of the qualities I enjoy about who I am. My ability to go and do cause God said so... I am proud of the fact that for the most part I am capable. Not an iron fortress that needs no one.. but someone who pulls my own weight most of the time.
After high school, and especially after college I began to realize that my natural instinct towards independence sometimes needs to be tapered to allow others to flourish or just because it is better for me to be dependent. But, even still, it was not a big deal, a few minor areas here and there. There are maybe a hand full of times that I can remember when I had to choose to be dependent instead of independent, I mean really, not anything big... Just things like allowing a guy to open a door for me.. lol I mean honestly minor things.
And then, I moved here.. the land of I-didn't-think-I-needed-to-grow-but-have-no-choice-now. And suddenly, I have all these areas that make me feel like a midget in the land of tall (metephocically speaking of course lol). Now, I am faced with choices daily of whether I want to fight my natural instinct of taking care of things myself or if I plan on being dependent on others...
Honestly, the hardest part is that most of the time I just do not think about what I am doing long enough to realize I am choosing independence over dependence. And, I am not just talking in terms of guy/girl relationsions... I do it all over the place for virtually everyone. But, the thing that is kinda funny is I push others to be dependent on me, I encourage them to lean on me and let me do things for them... and in some areas with some people I have gotten really good at reciprocating that. But, then there are these other areas where I just really struggle with it.. and I mean I fight. I will fight to keep my independence.. for honestly no reason at all. The only thing I can come up with is maybe I am used to it, and have "always done it this way." Which is an excuse I HATE.
So... Right now I'm a bud turning to a flower because it's just not acceptable to be a bud anymore...
Jul 2, 2009
Tango this is Control...
So, some friends and I get together on Wednesday evenings to learn to dance.. well some of them pretty much know how to do it all, so they end up teaching the rest of us. So far, we have pretty much stayed in the Latin arena of dance styles, which is perfectly fine with me! Let me break this down for you a bit more...
Salsa is a blast, it's fun and there's lots to do (assuming your partner knows how to do it of course). It includes a lot of spinning and fun twists... which for someone like me ends up just being a blast. The footwork can be a challenge, but quickly feels natural if you have someone there helping you at first. This is easy to follow.. but also easy to anticipate what's coming.. which can be a problem.. :)
Cha Cha is a lot of fun, but I'm not the best at it yet. Pretty much I can do the correct steps, and for the most part though I know it well enough to follow, I don't know it well enough to help someone else.
There are a couple others we have learned too, the Meringue and the Cumbia... Which are simple and fun.. but all have their own little quirks and challenges.
And then there's the Tango... This dance is deceptively hard. It's slower than the rest, and has no set moves or starting place. While all of these dances can be done just holding hands or together in proper form or hold or whatever you call it. The Tango is SO much easier done when you're together and his hand is on your back. So... here are some of the things I'm learning from Tango.. :) Hope you enjoy haha...
To start out, in Tango I cannot do anything unless he moves me. No footwork, no pivots, no shifting of my weight... nothing. He literally has to shift and move me anytime we are supposed to move. When you are watching someone else do it, it looks so graceful and sweet... Not necessarily easy, but it just looks like both people know what's coming and can move as one. When you are doing it yourself, you realize how hard it actually is. As the girl, I have no idea where we are going next at all. No set move is supposed to follow, and almost any of the moves can be done after almost any of the moves...
If I try anticipating, it simply stops working. I stumble, he stumbles over me, our frame is broken because of my essential arguing with what he's trying to do. It's pretty obvious when the girl anticipates and stops letting the guy lead...
But, on the opposite end, if I do my role in the dance, I give him the resistance in the frame he needs to be able to glide us around the floor. I use him as balance, which allows him to shift my weight and move me, and we begin to then move gracefully.
So.. sounds nice enough... easy enough... Right. Thus enter control... Tango allows me no control. Nothing that even resembles control. The only thing I get to do is offer my balance, weight, and resistance in the frame, the rest is just allowing myself to be moved. It is SO HARD. Part of what makes it so hard is the fact that Tango is supposed to be slower, I mean it CAN be faster, but it's a much slower dance than Salsa or Cha Cha. So, with it being slower, anticipating is even more impossible. I have the hardest time just simply allowing myself to be moved... Haha, the parallels here are almost endless... I won't go into them, at least not now.
So, how do I cope? I close my eyes. LOL... Ok so, I don't close my eyes to block anything out, I close my eyes so I can no longer anticipate, and fighting him becomes something I have to do consciously instead of something I do out of habit. I can't look him in the eyes and see what's coming, I simply have to feel and move. Anticipating what could come becomes almost impossible. Waiting is easier because I can't see, and the little signals he gives are suddenly the only signals I can pay attention to because I can't rely on my sight. I think I relax more when my eyes are closed. I end up having to pay less attention to things that are my comfort zone (sight), and more attention to things I take for granted (touch and sound)...
So, I'm learning to Tango... Or, in other words, I'm learning to let go of control and be moved... It's harder than anyone realizes, and I have no idea how hard it is for the guy to lead...
Salsa is a blast, it's fun and there's lots to do (assuming your partner knows how to do it of course). It includes a lot of spinning and fun twists... which for someone like me ends up just being a blast. The footwork can be a challenge, but quickly feels natural if you have someone there helping you at first. This is easy to follow.. but also easy to anticipate what's coming.. which can be a problem.. :)
Cha Cha is a lot of fun, but I'm not the best at it yet. Pretty much I can do the correct steps, and for the most part though I know it well enough to follow, I don't know it well enough to help someone else.
There are a couple others we have learned too, the Meringue and the Cumbia... Which are simple and fun.. but all have their own little quirks and challenges.
And then there's the Tango... This dance is deceptively hard. It's slower than the rest, and has no set moves or starting place. While all of these dances can be done just holding hands or together in proper form or hold or whatever you call it. The Tango is SO much easier done when you're together and his hand is on your back. So... here are some of the things I'm learning from Tango.. :) Hope you enjoy haha...
To start out, in Tango I cannot do anything unless he moves me. No footwork, no pivots, no shifting of my weight... nothing. He literally has to shift and move me anytime we are supposed to move. When you are watching someone else do it, it looks so graceful and sweet... Not necessarily easy, but it just looks like both people know what's coming and can move as one. When you are doing it yourself, you realize how hard it actually is. As the girl, I have no idea where we are going next at all. No set move is supposed to follow, and almost any of the moves can be done after almost any of the moves...
If I try anticipating, it simply stops working. I stumble, he stumbles over me, our frame is broken because of my essential arguing with what he's trying to do. It's pretty obvious when the girl anticipates and stops letting the guy lead...
But, on the opposite end, if I do my role in the dance, I give him the resistance in the frame he needs to be able to glide us around the floor. I use him as balance, which allows him to shift my weight and move me, and we begin to then move gracefully.
So.. sounds nice enough... easy enough... Right. Thus enter control... Tango allows me no control. Nothing that even resembles control. The only thing I get to do is offer my balance, weight, and resistance in the frame, the rest is just allowing myself to be moved. It is SO HARD. Part of what makes it so hard is the fact that Tango is supposed to be slower, I mean it CAN be faster, but it's a much slower dance than Salsa or Cha Cha. So, with it being slower, anticipating is even more impossible. I have the hardest time just simply allowing myself to be moved... Haha, the parallels here are almost endless... I won't go into them, at least not now.
So, how do I cope? I close my eyes. LOL... Ok so, I don't close my eyes to block anything out, I close my eyes so I can no longer anticipate, and fighting him becomes something I have to do consciously instead of something I do out of habit. I can't look him in the eyes and see what's coming, I simply have to feel and move. Anticipating what could come becomes almost impossible. Waiting is easier because I can't see, and the little signals he gives are suddenly the only signals I can pay attention to because I can't rely on my sight. I think I relax more when my eyes are closed. I end up having to pay less attention to things that are my comfort zone (sight), and more attention to things I take for granted (touch and sound)...
So, I'm learning to Tango... Or, in other words, I'm learning to let go of control and be moved... It's harder than anyone realizes, and I have no idea how hard it is for the guy to lead...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)