Heart Check...

A little over four years ago, just before I moved to VA, I started this blog with one basic purpose, to give a place where my family back home would get to read about what was going on in my head and connect with my heart. I wanted a place for them to be able to "hear" things differently.

A lot has happened in four years... and I am certainly not even close to the same person I was then, but almost 700 posts later, a significantly larger readership, and an amazing chronicling of the story, I believe there is still value in using this blog to share my heart with whoever stumbles upon my post or visits regularly.
I still firmly believe it does my heart good, and the heart of those reading to hear total and completely honest things that are simmering or exploding out of me.
I still think it is important for people to be able to read the progression as I process through things.
Above all, it is imperative for people to see how God works in my life.

So, what is my heart check lately?

Ugh, so many things...

Part of me is in pure function mode. I do not know what to do with all the emotions, so I have resorted to function mode to get me through the chaotic things that always seem to usher in crazy emotions.

I am more than a little frustrated at the fact that I am not sleeping well, and still waking up a dozen times a night for random sounds I am not used to...

Sometimes I am so beyond excited and overjoyed that I am doing what I love. How did I get so lucky?.. God has given me my sweet spot job, and I am blown away... And then that makes me realize that I love my job.. what if I mess up? what if I cannot do it? what if... (fill in the blank).. And then I remember that God has sent me because I said years ago "here I am send me."

I am so thankful for stupid little things.. Like Friday I saw a blue and gold license plate cover for U of M, the license plate said "Vktors", and it was a VA plate.. I couldn't help but smile at God's blending of the two... This week someone came into my office and talked to me about DC for almost an hour, I loved every minute of it. I have gotten hugs from people I have only known a couple weeks, and hugs always mean a lot to me..

I am frustrated and completely sick of having to be careful about my hip (which thankfully is mostly just sore now and less a constant severe pain).. I am really tired of needing to ask for help, not even for any other reason than practically speaking it takes more time to ask someone to help.. and asking for help for things I should be able to do on my own, but currently cannot is tiring when I am not close with the person... because it leaves me feeling helpless, needy, and as though I owe them (all of which I am fully aware are not reality, but regardless, it is how I feel).

I GET PAID TO LOVE PEOPLE.. Seriously, I keep mulling that over in my head and it feels like I am cheating the system.. I am literally getting paid to love people, teach them about Christ and then how to love others in His name.. It is flippin amazing!

I miss my church and friends in DC so very much. Basically all the time, but thankfully e-mails keep me laughing, Skype gives me much needed quality time, and facebook/twitter/texting keep me connected for all the mundane things...

I am hopeful of what is to come, and soaking up and trying to learn as much as I can...

I do not for a moment regret nor second guess my choice to move back to MI, but I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge it was one of the most difficult decisions I have made (which is interesting because I am pretty sure that means more difficult decisions are down the road).. But, really I do not regret it; I somewhat revel in the challenge of it all and bask in the knowledge that God is moving, He is leading, He is gearing up, and we are about to soar.

My heart feels a constant mix of so many things, so when asked how I am doing I have a litany of things flood my mind.. I am genuinely good, excited, stressed, overwhelmed, homesick, etc..etc..

Farewell...

Saturday I had my DC Farewell party.

Let me just start by saying my best friend in DC is amazing, she knows exactly how to do things to make sure I know I am cared for. She has this way of just being the solid and steady support I need all the time. Words just cannot truly express how much she means to me, how much I rely on her support, wisdom, encouragement, perspective, care, and just overall friendship. More often than not, we look at things and find the same sense of humor in the situation, and I love that I can look at her while we are in a group of people and usually know what she is thinking or feeling... What makes our friendship even better is that we have known each other for a long time, but have gotten an amazing opportunity to truly get to know each other's hearts... and, it has changed me in all the best of ways. She has never been afraid to call me out in private, to laugh with me over randomness, to grieve with me, pray for me, and support me in everything going on in my life. I love how much I can jabber on about anything and everything or sit in total silence while we "watch" a movie, I do homework, and she reads a book... Or while we lay on a beach and just soak up the sun and sounds of the waves. She truly makes my life better, and I have a feeling she has almost no idea how much I look to her and seek her out when I need perspective or support.... And, to be totally honest, we are still operating as though nothing is happening.. and will likely continue to operate this way until we HAVE to say goodbye... ugh.

ANYWAY... On to my farewell party that she threw me. Such a great time to see so many people that have been an active part of my life here in DC (and from a few other places that made the trip to see me!). We ate tons of food, laughed, joked, ate some more, and just in general spent time hanging out. I was honestly overwhelmed by how many people made it out or the people who made a point to contact me if they were unable to come. Talk about feeling so blessed. It was a lot of fun to see some people that I have not seen in a while, and some people that I do not get to see very often, and just chat, laugh, bring up the same three topics over and over... somehow always working into the conversation perfectly, which provided more laughter.

All I can honestly say to everyone who has been a part of my life in the last four years is thank you. You have no idea how much you all have changed me, shaped me, loved me, made me a better person, encouraged me, and made me laugh. I am so blessed, and so thankful, and am going to miss you guys more than my smile lets on.

It really did not hit me until today.. I am moving, and these amazing people I will be leaving in two weeks. Oye. I was really glad that no one made me cry last night.. however, I did have to hug on, then walk away from someone who began to cry because neither of us wanted to "do this" at that moment with other people around. Then, today at church I seriously had to fight tears four or five different times throughout the production set up, the sermon, and the production clean up... Why do I keep coming back to "I am not ready for this to be over"? Seriously, not a fan.

I recognize that some people find my aversion to crying odd, and others do not get it.. But, honestly it has more to do with my desire to function and accomplish all of the things I need to before I allow my emotions to take over. I do not want to give into the emotions that are flitting around on the outskirts of my thoughts and feelings incessantly so that I do not parking myself there and wallow when I have things I need to do, and precious time I need to spend with people. There is a time for grieving and mourning, but that time cannot be here and cannot be now, because I need to treasure these moments, these jokes, these bits of time with each person while I can... Then, I will fall apart and allow the emotions to envelope me later. After the time here is over, and the last two weeks and whirlwind that is my life is finished, then I will allow myself to grieve and truly feel the emotions. For now, I am trying to treasure everything.

This is one of those periods in my life when I am way more emotional than I am letting on, and that I am deeply feeling things that I refuse to allow to be seen so it does not affect those around me... The hiding the emotions will continue to get harder and harder, which I suspected it would.

The one good thing about all of this, I am praying SO MUCH. Praying about leaving my friends and church here. Praying about where I am going. Praying about the people I will become friends with, and the people I will work with, and the people I will love on (there will likely be a lot of overlapping of those prayers and people). Then, I have been praying for God to help me and guide me, because my heart is torn, but likely torn in the absolute best way a heart can be torn... I have a job to do, and I have no doubts God and I have a lot of things to accomplish. I have so many thoughts, prayers, and plans for where God is leading me now, but I am still working through leaving DC when things had gotten almost perfect. haha, I should have known that was when He and I were going to move on to something and somewhere else.

Should be a great couple of weeks, with hopefully only a few minor breakdowns.

My Heart's Desire...

As part of the leadership training at NCC, each leader is given a coach to help them brainstorm, lift them and the small group up in prayer, discuss things going on, and just be a basic touch point for anything that the leader may need help working through. Not that I am biased, but I think my coach is the best one. Ever. She is amazing, full of wisdom, wit, joy, and has such perception that I just enjoy meeting with her and talking through things cause she is able to cut the insignificant things away and get to the core or the issue. I am beyond blessed to have her as my coach!

Today her and I were meeting to discuss my small group, but really it turned into discussing the changes that have come up and are presenting themselves lately. I spent longer than I needed to explaining all the different things, the perspectives, the caveats, the emotional pulls, my fears, frustrations, and prayers about everything. I went through it all figuring if she did not have all of the information either she would not be able to provide sound feedback or I would dismiss parts of what she said due to her not knowing it all. So, I chose to be completely upfront about it all... And, I am so glad I did!

After I explained everything, and then answered a few of her questions, she asked if I felt I was in a place to make a decision for myself. Meaning, if God gives me the chance to choose, am I at a place where can I choose for who I am and where I am at, based on my heart's deepest desires, instead of feeling pressure based on others? And then, she asked if I knew what my heart's deepest desire is. We talked about how I have a serious need for community, and I work hard to cultivate it wherever I go, and how I also desire whole heartedly to serve Christ... I desire a family one day, and I desire to have a career that means something.. But, when it boils down to it, I am not sure I can articulate to God what I want deep down. I am not sure I can explain to myself or others what my heart's deepest desire is because it feels entirely split into two. With half of my heart I want to forsake literally everything and serve Christ as my main focus, the other half of my heart desires to stay (or go) where solid and genuine community would be found. I mean, I have wanted a family basically my entire life, but I feel like that is something that will come regardless of where I live, go, stay, whatever, especially with all the ways to keep in contact, and the amazing thing that is Skype. And, I have also wanted to change the world my entire life (well, since I was 7 I guess).

So, while I have no idea what is coming, my goal this week is really to spend a lot of time in prayer figuring out where my heart stands in the decision making of it all, so that regardless of what God calls me to next, I will know the desires of my heart.. Which ideally would be perfectly in line with what I feel I am being led to or it could be the total opposite, and serve as a period of time where God is calling me to faith and obedience above other things.

My heart's deepest desire for my life is tricky... I have a sense, but not really words. It would be kinda nice if God would "aha" moment this all for me!

Painfully Good Reminders...

I have love hate relationships with the days where it is brought to my attention that I have been entirely too much about myself over the last while (however long). Not in the "I am a terrible person" way (although in some instances I truly lack compassion and tact), but in the subtle things that really matter to people, like a phone call, a message, whatever...

Lately life has been a whirlwind, which does not really surprise me, due to the fact that typically during the summer I attempt to have a summer schedule that allows me to do things with other people more. However, the problem with that schedule is, I have a typical "9-5" job and am in school full time getting a double masters degree, and still work to have enough free time to be able to do most things. Now, if I am being completely honest, I fill my time up with dozens of other things too, reading, movies, volunteering, small group, lots and lots of good food... and almost all of those activities involve friends.

However, that being said, my schedule lately has mostly revolved around myself.. The things I wanted to do, and the things that interested me. I mean, granted I "did" things to help others, but there have been way too many times lately where I have allowed myself to get distracted and forget things that are important to others.

I realize at this portion of my post it seems like I am beating myself up over little things that are "not a big deal." But they are.

In all seriousness, I cannot put a price on an offense or hurt I have caused someone else, especially someone who I care deeply for.

I was reminded today, in the most loving of ways, and more graciously than I deserved, that I had missed the mark. I had allowed myself to forget and become lazy in my diligence, and in doing so I had hurt someone close to me. How humbling to be reminded that your lack of paying attention to the small things that matter to other people has caused hurt in their life. Boiling it down, I hurt someone else because I did not care enough to make them a priority.

Ouch.

Talk about painful and humbling.

But, it honestly was the best kind of pain to experience because it allowed me the chance to apologize, and then do an inventory of the things I really have been slacking on out of pure laziness or apathy for things other than myself and my own interest... No matter how busy I am; work, school, whatever, I should never be too busy to stop and care about someone else's needs, cares, heart, problems or whatever over my own.

Such a painfully great heart check for me.

It Is Over...

I find myself in a situation again that makes me want to respond like a typical girl, it seems like the most appropriate way to feel at the moment, hurt, frustrated... emotional. Yet, I realize that how I think I should be feeling right now is not actually what is going on at all inside...
What is even more amazing is the peace I feel despite the situation I am in.

Thankfully my innumerable prayers to protect my heart were answered, and even more thankfully the situation is the most void of drama and hurt I have ever encountered. And, even though there is always a slight feeling of being bummed, not because of the circumstances themselves... I am actually quite thankful for how it all happened, everything I went through, and learned (cause let me tell you.. it was a lot), but just bummed because it has occurred once again.

Yet, through it all, there is a peace. A letting go feeling of complete surrender that the situation, the circumstances, the feelings all are being handed over to my sweet savior, and I will never care to take the control of them again...

I had a feeling this situation was going to turn out this way, and still chose to walk through the door because I knew I was going to learn, I was going to grow, and I was going to see several things in a way I had not ever viewed them. Looking back, I would do it again for all of those reasons, and quite frankly because I felt a peace to walk through the door, which thankfully the peace has remained. I do not think I made any poor choices nor did I make a mistake.

So, it is over, but only because one thing has to end in order for the next to start. Whatever is next, it is in God's hands.

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

A Note to Those Christians...

It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most rude, condescending, judgmental, and hypocritical people are also the ones who claim to be christians. This week for some reason I have either come up against those kind of christians or I have listened to other Christians express hurt or frustration from an unpleasant encounter. So, here are a few remarks I have said or would like to say to the christians that exhibit a large amount of gracelessness and mercilessness.

First and foremost, we have been given this incredible gift of grace and mercy. One which we did NOT earn, we did not ask for, and we most certainly did not pay for. The only appropriate response is to turn around and do the same to those around us.. Giving them a glimpse of what we are completely aware of.

Second, your sins and my sins have been FORGIVEN. Which means stop freaking bringing up things from the past and running your mouth about what someone should or should not have done in any given situation. There is a distinct difference between calling someone out for actions for which they need to be called out for (mind you, just because you SEE something does not mean God has bestowed the task of taking care of it... Holy Spirit will let you know..) and berating someone or making it clear you look down on them (as though you are above them) for a mistake they have made in the past...

Which brings me to a subset.. If someone has a mistake/sin from their past, and you are merely aware of it.. you have no rights to claim emotions or feelings towards their mistake. You were not a part of it, nor was it intended towards you. That sin is between them, whoever was involved, and God.. Butt out... (I do recognize that sometimes past sins can cause pain to someone not involved.. that is something that needs to be taken to the Lord, not used against the person.)

Thirdly, please remember one crucial thing. God is God, you are not. He does not need you to fix things for Him, He is perfectly capable on His own... And, please learn the difference between your own feelings and emotions and "feeling something in the Spirit." It would make everyone's (even your) life so much better. You are not the morals police.

Cuatro, just because you feel strongly about something, does not mean everyone else should.. There is a reason we are referred to as "a body" we each have our roles, soap boxes, and fights.. But that does not mean you should make yours someone else's.. such as piercings, tattoos, owning a home, investing etc.. While all of those things could be right or wrong depending on the person and the situation, you are not tasked with making sure everyone around you believes the same way or feels beat upon for thinking something different..

Now, on to some things I honestly believe we should all practice.. Love. Do not mistake my "love' to mean the cute hearts and rainbows kind. The false love that never says no.. I am talking about genuine heartfelt "I care about you too much to let you fall" kinda love.. The love that would cause you to die for someone. It is commonly understood that the more something is mentioned in the Bible the more important it is. The word Love (in one of several versions agape, phileos, aros, etc..) is mentioned more than 900 times in the Bible (I dare you to find a page in the bible without at least one "love" in it.), meaning this is a crucially important topic to understand. Just because you have the right to say something, does not mean God gave you the green light on His behalf. Choose your words carefully, and make sure your heart is approaching it with their best in mind.

Lastly, stop pretending like you are doing God a favor, He's already paid for your sins and theirs. Live your life so that it gives glory to God, and to speak words that show you are worthy of the call of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?...

Saturday evening I sort of peaced out of all the different things I was invited to do, and headed for "alone time" ... (with people around of course haha) I went to Barnes and Noble and walked around until I found a book that struck my fancy, and then I burrowed away and read for about an hour in a half. Anyway, the book I chose was called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" and it's by Angela Thomas, I picked this book up without realizing I had heard this woman speak at a conference a little over a year ago, and I LOVED her...

So, onto the things I read about and am sorta thinking/mulling over now...

The entire purpose of the book is to mesh the desire to be found physically beautiful, intelligent, funny, witty, competent, with our desire for Jesus.. We want to be noticed, enchanting, desirable etc..etc.. Girls want to be all of these things physically and as an entire person. The thing that I really liked about her approach was that she not once pointed to needing "more God and less of these feelings and desires.." Instead, she points out how much we were created to feel and want these things, and how it IS ok, we just have to allow God to be the first in fulfilling these things in our life.

But, through the course of all of it, she so very openly talks about our desire for a boy to find these qualities in us. For us to have something tangible to see all of this fulfilled.. but then points to the problems if we allow a boy to be the one who solely fills this void. She walks down a logical path of thinking when the "swooning feelings" go away, and you have been married for a while, and he no longer picks up his socks etc..etc.. and suddenly if you are not careful you look to some other guy thinking "surely HE is perfect...." instead of allowing God to fill that hurt and void that your man was never meant to fill.

She spent a long time talking about the hurt in not being found beautiful. She talked about how half the hurt comes from what is NOT said instead. For example, when a guy says "Your friend is really pretty." He means NOTHING but to comment on another girl's beauty, but what he did not say about your own beauty means you were not noticed, and it leaves hurts, leaves a wound, a sting, some sort of mark on your heart. And, instead of acknowledging this or even our need and desire for this, we rationalize it as being ok, because we are dependable, the loyal friend, funny, smart, successful... But, when it all boils down to it, none of that matters, it still hurts.

She talked about a lot of aspects of being beautiful, so I thought I would include a couple quotes that I felt really described my feelings.. currently, previously... at some point I felt or feel this way...

"I've spent most of my life trying to deny the way God made me. Afraid to be strong for fear of being prideful... Afraid to admit I'm a woman who longs to be desired, rescued, and longs to be called beautiful."

"When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters."

Once she began transitioning into the core of the issue, the very center of what we are truly desiring above even a boy finding us beautiful, she said this:

"Oh, God, do YOU think I'm beautiful?"

She points out that at the core, we struggle with questions like these, and on some level believe that maybe not even God sees these things, or worse... what if he does and he begins to stop seeing me as beautiful and desirable? What if he stops noticing me because of all the mess?

"God, do you see me flawed? Do you see me struggle? Do you see the unmet desires of my heart? Do you see me trying to manipulate and control? Do you see me yearn for things I can't have? Do you see me in all the mess and STILL think I'm beautiful?"

God's responds to our broken thoughts...

"I knew the truth when you felt misunderstood." That in all of it he knows, sees, hears, and beyond all of that CARES when we are hurting.

She points out that one of the big things we have to understand is "There is a desperate loneliness that settles on the heart not heard. Lonely for companionship, lonely for expression, lonely for affirmation." And, in the midst of that, we ask once again...

"Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me?.... Do you REALLY love me?"

God always responds to these, He lovingly talks and speaks to each question in our hearts if we allow Him to. He created us knowing these things, and He uses them to continually draw our hearts to Him.

Then, she explains that we were created to give our hearts away to a boy, and that we were created to NEED their strength and that we are supposed to fall head over heels for a boy. This idea seems basic, but honestly.. the idea of giving my heart away, leaning on his strength, and falling head over heels in love with someone who could decide later I am not worth it.. Very much scares me. If I am being TOTALLY honest... my heart definitely cries out: what if he changes his mind and decides I'm not beautiful anymore? What if I fall apart at some point and he decides it is more than he bargained for?... What if he thought I had it together more than I do? What if my weakness drags him down? What if I can't support him the way he needs? Is he settling for ok when he could have had amazing? I mean I can point to dozens of women who are much more beautiful than I am both physically and personality wise.... So, what if?....

But, if I am going to pay attention to any of the things she was talking about, I have to realize a couple things...
1. Jesus created me to fill these areas with himself... which does not mean I suddenly no longer desire these things from a boy.. it just means he is the first and primary source of contentment in these areas.
2. None of these things mean my world will fall apart.
3. My future is not my own to worry about, that is not my job.

So, this is me admitting that I too share these feelings. I am "capable," "successful," "intelligent," "witty," "charming," "dependable," etc..etc.. and yet I still wonder, "Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me? Do you REALLY love me?"

These things constantly draw me back to the arms of my Sweet Savior Jesus.

My Sandpapered Heart...

I have this weird feeling deep inside of me that is really hard to explain. I feel like there are all of these compartments of things God has been working on and speaking to me on.. and suddenly it feels like He's meshing them together. So... here are a few of the things bouncing around in my head... or heart... I guess both really.

I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?... Will I obey Him when it hurts? What about when I do not understand and I am scared?

This past Sunday Dr. Wheeler (a Liberty Seminary Prof) spoke about things that we tend to do or believe that really do not line up with what we claim we believe in Jesus... A couple of the things he said that stood out to me...

"Our problem with Honoring God is that we believe we can practice Biblical Faith and actually hold onto our lives at the same time."

... Whoa. I do this.

He also said, "What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."
This makes so much sense to me, and completely explains the "works" idea that so many people bring up.. Works do not get you to Heaven... But, the more you believe and follow Jesus the more you begin to WANT to do these things... aka the more what you believe becomes validated and apparent.

Another thing he mentioned was that "We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor."

... As much as I hate to admit it.. I think I have fallen to this trap in my thought process. How horrible is that?!...

He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.

My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over.. no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...

I was talking with another friend on Saturday night, and I was surprised by how open the conversation was. There was no fluff.. Not everything was described or said because neither one of us needed to know the entirety of the situation, but I was amazed at the answers I got. Nothing got built up to be more or less than it was, and our ability to just talk about what was going on without any judgement.. while at the same time just talk about how all of this applies to what is known as truth. I walked away from the conversation knowing and excited to see God move. I knew that all of my prayers would be answered, and God's story would be absolutely amazing... Yet, I was still hurting because I knew at the very same time, the hurt that has to take place, the brokenness that has to occur, and the serious repentance that first has to take place in order for God to take over and do what He has planned. In the end it will be great, until then it will be hard painful work.

So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

An Old Familiar Feeling...

So, yesterday was such a rough day... Ironically the best part of my day was work... haha! (Who would've ever thought that!).. ok, not just work, tanning too :)

But, I came to a realization after talking with a friend who gave me some great advice when I gave him the bare bones of my ache...

Sometimes after a while, it's time to let it go and move on.

Which is weird, cause I am not that person.. in fact I fight to the end to hold on to people until it's really just drowning me and the other person involved. And usually it takes several people encouraging me before I will realize how much better it will be for everyone involved if I let their friendship go. But, sometimes it's just time to let it go gracefully. Not forced, but also not a force to stay.. just gracefully let it go and let it drift...

This old feeling of hurt... yeah I'm pretty familiar with it and I'm not a fan either. In my ideal world each friend I make stays.. we don't drift apart or get to a point where communicating is difficult, we simply remain good friends. And, thankfully I HAVE friends like that, I have people who fill that role. But, why can't more be like that? Or better yet, why can't we know ahead of time if someone will or won't be one or the other?.. That would make things a lot easier, and my heart with a lot less patches!

In all honesty though. If I sit here and think about it, I know the answer, I just don't like it. I wish the "friends for a time" thing didn't ever include a heartache when it was over. And, the thing is, I'm not even talking about an intimate relationship.. I just have a tendency to assimilate people into my life, they become a part of my family and I treat them like it. I mean obviously I won't ever stop doing that, I won't ever stop assimilating, it's ingrained in me and it's a part of the way I operate, the way I care and love others, and I am fairly proud to have that be so much part of who I am and my nature...

I'm not a fan of this feeling, and if it could be blotted out I would LOVE that... but, I'm fairly certain this is one of those moments in time where it hurts SO badly, and later you are so thankful it turned out exactly the way it did...

So, while this is the hurts like crazy in the darkness of night, I'll dance knowing the morning sunrise makes it all worth it...

Sin

I read a book once (a Tedd Dekker book to be precise) and it used the analogy that sin is like black vinegar, God and His kingdom is like oil... when you start with a jar of oil it is easy to see through and the light shines through it easily.. but the more you let sin creep in the more it pushes the oil out of the jar.. But.. the two cannot mix, there is either oil or vinegar but never are they mixed.

I'm 12 days into reading the Bible through in a year.. you'd be surprised how many chapters they have you reading.. so far I'm on 24 of Genesis, 29 of Psalms, and 15 of Matthew... It's "time consuming".. but not really I mean it takes more than 2 seconds to read it every evening.. but I like it. I feel a sense of accomplishment, re-dedication every evening as I continue to read and realize how much I've already read. I am looking forward to reading books I'm not sure I've ever actually sat down and read through...

Can I just say how much I hate sin though.. I mean I hate it, despise, loath... anything that describes malice.. that's how I feel towards sin. I truly hate that it's so much a part of my life that I can't see it sometimes.. How TERRIBLE IS THAT?! How horrible is it that it simply means missing the mark?.. I hate that I miss the mark on anything. I want to be perfect.. perfection.. that's what I want. I despise the fact that I, for whatever reason have a laps of reasoning and choose not to express love towards someone or on their behalf. I loath the fact that when faced with the choice I more often than I like, choose to not show Jesus. Grr..

I hurt when I see sin keeping someone from knowing Love the way I know Love. I hate that they have so much vinegar in their glass that they simply aren't even aware the light is there.. or that there is even such a thing as oil. How terrible the pain Jesus must feel for those people.. for the things they could do but have chosen not to.. for the times they wouldn't let him love them.. for the choices they make that mean natural consequences must take their course.. How does He do it every moment of every moment.. and still choose them..

I can't even begin to understand, yet here I am asking to see with His eyes. Hear with His ears. Love what he loves. Hurt for what hurts Him... I don't know what this means, and I'm beginning to realize it means a lot of hurting and a lot of pain. That's ok as long as I know He is my light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want Jesus... but I get it now that I don't just want Jesus.. I want Him with them all there too...

I just wish the path wasn't so narrow that so many would knowingly choose to miss it.

Permeating My Mind...

So.. I had an AHA moment on my way into work today.. I love it when talking to God I get those :) I figured out why I'm such a pessimist when it comes to relationships.. I mean seriously, I am fairly optimistic most of the time, I can for the most part keep a positive attitude.. So, I keep trying to pinpoint why I am such a pessimist about relationships involving myself (not others).

I mean others can tell me plain as day "this is what's going on.. this is what we see, think.. etc..etc.." and I will have the most pessimistic view of it. And it really bothered me, cause it doesn't fit with the rest of my world view. I was convinced for a while I had a commitment issue, cause that was the only thing I could come up with. But, I figured it out today.. now I just need to figure out what to do with my new found information :)

I am not scared of relationships (specifically speaking of boyfriend/girlfriend ones).. I'm not scared of the work, the trouble, arguments, the sacrifice.. none of that cause my parents have an incredibly stable relationship, and I've seen them do these things. I'm scared, or more specifically TERRIFIED of what I have experienced every single time (obviously since I'm not married). I am scared of feeling the incredibly painful "your not the one again".. when for whatever reason I am not the one for him, not the right _______, not enough ________, too much _______... and I always take that and attack myself with it.. I beat myself up over it.. and every single time I've given over to letting Satan pervade my thoughts of myself. I mean there have been times it's gotten so bad that my dad stepped in and we screamed at each other cause I didn't know how NOT to do that.. and he was scared for me. (quick side note, while I NEVER want to do that again with my dad.. I've never felt so loved once I figured out what he did :)

**Let me be clear... no suicidal thoughts have ever entered my mind, I have never resorted to cutting, throwing up (ew gross) or anything like that...**

But, for whatever reason my thoughts become only negative about myself, all I can do is find my faults, and why I am not and will never be enough. I'm not pretty or beautiful enough, I will never be attractive to anyone worthy, I'm not smart enough, I'm too opinionated, I'm not kind enough, I don't know how to be submissive enough, I'm not small enough, I'm too tall and large, I'm not passive enough, I'm not compassionate enough, I'm not girlie enough, I can never be like her, I can't be like that.. just to name a few of them.. I go over and over these thoughts in my mind and I literally have nowhere to go, I can't distract myself from them, and I can't brush them off like I do for everything else.. I convince myself that I just need a little while to be "disappointed"... that tomorrow I'll be fine. When in reality it takes some serious intervention to alter my mindset. Satan CLEARLY knows how to get me. And, I mean clearly.. he knows precisely to the tee what I have no defense against, I don't even know where to begin to build the defense... Ironically without the "boy" in the picture these are not only issues I don't really struggle with, but I actually very much like the way I am, and am fairly proud of these qualities I posses (knowing I can always improve of course)... And until now Satan has done a really good job of disguising what it is I struggle with.. I mean common, clearly these things are not the same as having a commitment issue (which I was beginning to worry was the TRUE issue)...

So.. Now what?

I mean I recognize the issue, I realize what Satan's game plan has been all along now. Cause if you've ever been there when I've broken down into one of these things.. according to my dad it's very scary, and something he never wants to see again. SO, now I know.. but you can't just snap your fingers and decide that 23 years of something will just go away. That all the insecurities will be gone instantly..

So.. Now what?

Well, that's where my conversation with Jesus centered today. Cause, I honestly have no idea what to do now. I obviously have no idea how to Guard my heart.. which IS THE WELL SPRING OF LIFE.. How does anyone suck at something that is so important to life?! So, that's what I prayed.. God needs to do it for me, to protect my thoughts and emotions cause I don't know how. It's obvious I can't go through life like this... cause that would mean missing out on huge blessings from God, and a lot of inner turmoil. I need Jesus on this one. He's the only one who can clean out the decay and replace it with what I desperately need there.

My cry to my Sweet Savior this morning consisted of begging him to save me from myself. I can't do it anymore, and I don't know how to change. I am terrified of those feelings because the pain is more real and more destructive than anyone can describe. It's such a visceral reaction in my chest.. One that can't really be explained.. there aren't really words I can think of to describe it.

How do people without Jesus keep moving?