Self-Esteem...

I've been doing some thinking recently on self-esteem, especially how it pertains to girls... I know I've dealt with my share of struggles and I have had to dig my way out one way or another. The thing that I find fascinating is that whether there are guys around or just girls around I can find a reason to not be good enough.

I mean seriously think about it, if you're in a room full of girls, that's like going to the mall and window shopping. I can look at them and find beauty in each of them. Some have this beautiful skin, others stunning eyes, beautiful and perfect hair, some have this laughter that just makes you want to join in, some a dazzling smile, others are these tiny cute petite things, some are these skinny athletic builds, while still others have this amazing glow about them that just makes you want to be their friend... because maybe somehow by association you feel cooler and will assimilate that by osmosis lol.. ok maybe not that far.. but sometimes I feel that way :) The thing is, I can do that for ANY girl I meet.. it doesn't really matter what she actually looks like.. I find beauty in her that I somehow don't see in myself.

But, the worst is if you're in a room full of attractive guys AND attractive girls.. because then it goes from window shopping to being put IN the window and having the guys window shop.. And suddenly all the things you found beautiful and attractive about the girls becomes this thing that isn't beautiful and attractive about you.. because why would he choose you over her/that? Even if he expresses interest in you, you find a reason why it isn't true.. he must be mistaken, she must have turned him down, he's settling.. There's no possible way after viewing all his options he's decided you're the perfect choice... No way.

Then, ok we finally give in and let him choose us. But, we find a reason to blow off every single nice complimenting thing he says... We get good at it too, with responses like: "haha, yeah right" "oh, please *rolling eyes*" "whatever..." Because at that point we're technically letting him say whatever he feels he needs to, but inside we're making excuses like "it's only because I'm dressed up..." "He is just saying that/has to say that" "He doesn't know what I really look like without the make up!" "He's just saying that to make me feel better, because clearly I look like crap..".. And then part of it is we just feel awkward when a guy we know is amazing says complimentary things to us. We use it as a guarding mechanism to help guard our hearts and keep us from getting hurt.. which is completely the wrong way to handle it.. and in reality it doesn't even work!

I mean seriously I am an expert at talking myself out of anything.. regardless of what anyone says. SO, the issue really has nothing to do with how beautiful another girl is or how amazing and "well made" a guy is... it has everything to do with me and my wonderful little prison I've allowed Satan to entrap me in. I make excuses like "it's just the truth" "it's how I see things" "you don't understand" "if you only knew..." None of these things are even close to the truth...

God knows we desire to be beautiful and he understands that we struggle with self-esteem in that area. But, what we don't understand is we ARE beautiful. Not needing to be vindicated by any man saying so, not needing any other girl to tell us we are... but simply we are. God created us in His image, he made us to be beautiful and talks about it all over the Bible from beginning to end. He constantly is telling us in the Bible about how wonderful we are to Him, how much he delights in us, and how truly beautiful He sees us to be.

The problem is we forget, don't care, have never heard.. whatever reason, we stop acting as though we are beautiful. I know from my own various experiences that a guy can truly destroy the way I view myself.. and when I say destroy.. I mean it. Guys have no idea the power they hold over us.. especially once we have decided we like them. They can completely demolish us with a simple careless word or action. We can go from cloud 9 to the depths of despair simply because he didn't care enough to notice us or something we've done.

It becomes aggravating and it can easily turn us to bitterness... but the problem is we freely choose to let the guy do that to us. We have forgotten how to hold our hearts precious... I know there are times nothing about me has felt precious. Nothing. I've been through times when I didn't see one good thing about myself, and I couldn't have told you anything about myself that I liked... or at LEAST thought was ok. Especially my heart because I had it trampled so many times that I assumed that was the worth of it. How terribly sad to view that of your own heart. Looking back I can't imagine the pain Jesus cried over that simple view of myself.

" Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

" And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" - Phillipians 4:7

So, then the real question is what is my self-esteem and what SHOULD it be? And then, the second question is how do I get there? I mean obviously guys aren't where it can be placed. That's been proven a million times over, and has cause quaint little sayings like "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.." But, seriously how do I view myself? What is my value? What is my worth? and How do I make myself view myself as something of worth?

Haha.. well if it were as simple as a few sentences life would be so much easier, and I would be rich getting girls to miraculously change their self-image!.. But, clearly I'm not rich so it isn't just a simple answer.. But, what I can do is detail out what I've discovered so far..

"Thank you"
Starting with a simple thank you instead of any sort of "yeah right" "ok, whatever" response actually does eventually change your perception of yourself.

"Sorry, I'm dumb/weird/odd/different etc.."
Stop starting things or explaining yourself using negative terms.. think them that's fine.. but there's something powerful about the spoken word. So, instead of explaining yourself away with negative terms, simply state what it is you're trying to say. Something like "Sorry, I don't understand" is COMPLETELY different than "Sorry I'm stupid and don't get it.."

"I really like..."
Finding things that are physical things that you like about yourself are key.. and a great place to start. Now, I know that 1 Peter 3 says "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful...".. But, the reality is we desire outward beauty as much as we desire inward beauty. So, pretending it isn't a desire is silly. I want to know I'm beautiful on the inside of course.. but I also need to know I'm attractive on the outside. No idea why either. It's just how I am.

"Yeah but..."
Man are we good at using this as our get out of jail free card or what!? If ever I don't know how to win an argument or I'm just out of ways of defending what I want to do, I use the "yeah but you don't understand..." usually followed by explaining that my past experiences have taught me whatever... The reality is this whole world is fallen.. so there's a pretty good chance that experience wasn't the best because of the fallen nature of our world. It doesn't mean we can use that to stay stuck. Acknowledge the problem, the hurt, the pain, the effects it had on you.. and be done with it. Own up to what you should own up to... Then let God have the rest. It does wonders to the feeling you have.

"Fake it til you make it.."
So, I know this sounds funny.. but there's something about an action done long enough becomes natural. So... once you've given the past up, and the issues, and the pain, and whatever else to God.. fake it until you begin to see yourself that way. I am NOT saying pretend everything is ok.. what I'm saying is begin to dance in the beautiful freedom that our Savior provides. Allow Him to take care of the problems... The problem doesn't have to feel solved, better, fixed.. you don't have to see yourself as beautiful.. but begin to act confident and you will slowly begin to feel confident in who our precious Jesus has made you to be.

So, I have a lot more.. but I'm gonna give it a rest for now.. Soon I am gonna make a post about my view of a guys role in relationships... :) Have a great Wednesday!

Gentle and Quiet Spirit

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands," 1 Peter 3:3-5

I have always liked this verse, and I've always been fascinated by it and it's concept... But, I've always believed that it didn't apply to me because lets be honest I'm not quiet, and gentle only depending on the situation...

And then Gloria, my roomie in Ghana who had to leave a day early left me a note that said that I have "...an enduring sense of strength and love for adventure, coupled with the gentle and quiet spirit (not mouth, spirit)...." (haha..she obviously understands me a little huh?) I truly think it was one of the most touching things anyone has ever said to me, and it was given to me at the perfect moment.. and I felt it in the very core of who I am. So, then I began to wonder what does this mean and did this verse really apply to me also? I mean I can point to a multitude of women who have these qualities and I always admire them.. My mom being one of the most blatant examples of this in my life.

So, lets break it down then.. what does it mean if I of all women have a Gentle and Quiet Spirit?..

ESV, NIV, and ISV use the words "gentle and quiet spirit"
KJV and YLT use the words "meek and quiet spirit" ... now here's where I have to chuckle to myself because I LOVE the word meek, it's one of my favorite words of all time. In English the word meek means shy, timid, weak, incapable, coward etc..etc.. When actually the word was used to describe war horses and it meant "Power under control"... haha let that sink in for a second... Power. Under. Control. I love the word Meek.

Ok, so lets break down the other words..
Gentle,
Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender. Not wild or turbulent, polite; refined. (Obviously there are a whole SLEW of other descriptive words.. but this gives you an idea)
Quiet,
Making no noise or sound, esp. no disturbing sound, restrained in speech, manner, free from disturbance or tumult; tranquil; peaceful, free from disturbing thoughts, emotions.. etc..etc..
Spirit,
An attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling, or action. Temper or disposition. The essential nature of a person or group. (Again, there are a whole lot more.. but you get an idea where I'm going with it.)

So, then can this verse describe me?.. I think so. Not all the time, but as a general characteristic of who I am this can now describe me because of who God has been shaping and molding me to be. I'm not sure I could say that about myself even just a few years ago, but I've gone through things that I can see have created some of these characteristics in myself. So.. I seriously give God praise cause he's creating me to be this. He is creating me to be beautiful from the very core of who I am out. So, Lord let my hope be in you so that I can be beautiful the way you made me.

And as a side note... I like how tagged onto the end as part of a beautiful woman is one who is submissive to her husband. I didn't used to like that idea at all... But, the more I'm beginning to understand what that means, the more I really like it, and realize how purposeful and wonderful it would mean to be submissive.

Beautiful

Let me start by clarifying some things... I'm using this Blog as a way of putting down on paper what my mind or heart is mulling over. So, since usually those things are focused on trying to figure out what's wrong with me, what I need to improve, what I did wrong etc..etc.. most of this blog will be those things. So, in light of that please don't assume I am an emotional conflicted mess lol These are just things God and I are working through that I thought might be beneficial for someone else to see and read too... If for no other reason than to know you're not the only one thinking it or you meet someone who says something similar. :) Enjoy!

What is beautiful? This is something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I think this is such a broad question... I mean here are a few things I think are beautiful..

These are flowers from some friends.
And this is a pretty tree I saw the other
day while driving home from Brit's house.

This is a sunset I saw the other day...


To me these things I just find beautiful. An example of how creative, dynamic, and loving our God is.

So, then what about for people? Sometimes I feel bad for guys cause they just have no clue about what they say and how it effects girls. Even the most well intentioned guy makes comments that are meant harmless or as an observation and girls take it to heart.

The word "Beauty" is found 31 times in the Bible, and the word "Beautiful" is found 70 times in the Bible. So clearly this isn't just a topic that means nothing to God.. So.. How should we look at ourselves? Cause clearly we look at each other and see beauty, but for whatever reason we are blind to our own. I mean I can look at all of my friends and see how beautiful they are, some have these amazing eyes that dance when they laugh, others have smiles that you can't help but smile cause they are just stunning, some have these perfectly proportioned bodies that when you see guys around them is clear is attractive to them, or they have flawless skin, some have voices that are so easy to listen to, and others have the types of laugh that you truly hear the joy in it and can't help but laugh too, some have beautiful hair, And then some of my friends have all of those things and I feel more attractive cause they are MY friend ;) lol


"but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful." (Gen 29:17b)
"She (Abigail) was an intelligent and beautiful woman," (1 Sam 25:3b)
The entire book of Song of Solomon lol
"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands," (1 Peter 3:4-5)

Clearly there are more verses, but these stuck out to me.. For whatever reason beauty IS an important thing to girls. I know that personally I want to know I'm desirable on the inside as well as the outside. You always hear it in church that it's all about the inner beauty which without the inner the outside means nothing.. it's vanity.. like a vapor.. and you can't get to Heaven by looking good.

But if it truly means NOTHING why would God have made girls with that desire to be beautiful? I mean it's not something we learn.. look at a 3 year old little girl who is all dressed up and is told she's pretty.. or the 5 year old girl who asks her daddy if she's pretty.. God clearly made that a part of our wiring.. The challenge is making sure all the wiring is working together correctly...

So, here's where I struggle... I view myself as average.. not super beautiful, sometimes not beautiful at all, but just average. Which is fine, I don't mind it :) Where I begin to struggle is when I'm told and complimented on all of the wonderful parts of my personality, character, walk with God, etc.. etc.. Told I am "the type of girl guys want to marry.." and yet I'm not found beautiful (no one has said that directly), but it's in the things they don't say.. Because by process of elimination if I am the type of girl guys want to marry.. and I'm not married.. or even close to it.. then there clearly is something missing right? And since the only thing they DON'T mention is the beauty that must be it. Right? There is always the "you're such a dynamic, interesting, and intelligent person it's going to take a special guy.." hmm.. I hate that saying cause it doesn't say anything... or when they say "I can't wait to see who captures your heart.." as though I hadn't thought about it yet..

I find that this struggle to reconcile this issue in my head has caused SO many problems.. The easiest one to point out is my lack of ability to take a compliment that I don't believe ("you look pretty"), I reason it away as them feeling like they HAVE to say something (like them being polite or something). It's only cause I dressed a certain way. I have an attractive ____ but not an attractive ____ (whatever those things are). Or, when the poor well intentioned guy makes a comment about another girl's beauty, the assumption that girls in general make is "she has that but I don't.." so we take it to heart...

It's complicated for sure, and I honestly feel sorry for guys cause they have to sorta stumble their way along trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with us lol

So.. Hopefully soon I will have found my aha moment for this, and I will be able to progress in this issue. :)