Resolving Conflict...

I have never been one to shy away from conflict.. likely due to the fact that while unpleasant, thanks to my parents, I learned that when dealt with, things are always resolved and better afterwards. However, just because I do not shy away from conflict, does not actually mean I like conflict, just that it has to be resolved in order to move forward... and move forward in a healthy way.

Lately, I feel like I have been surrounded by conflict, some of it I am fairly certain I have caused, others it has taken everything in me not to merely just drop everything and run from the person and situation, and still other bits of conflict have evoked an immediate reaction to the situation.

Let me just pause again and say that, conflict resolution is exhausting, especially when there seems to be lots of it from different places in a very short amount of time.

I know that, probably like most, I do a terrible job at resolution when I am tired; and I have spent the better part of the last month exhausted. Honestly, I was completely worn out until last weekend when I was finally able to sleep, and sleep for more than a couple hours at a time... And then, I was able to wake up with no where to immediately be, which is a nice change of pace as well.

Anyway, I digress...

Resolving conflict is tiring, it is unpleasant, it is frustrating, and it often brings out the worst in you before it will bring out the best, but every time on the other side I am thankful for the experience, the situation, and the person who stuck it out with me instead of hiding or running from me. Because, like most everything that is good in this world, it takes two people to make things work, especially if it is the relationship itself. Not everyone I have had conflict with lately has been willing to stand and fight with me to resolve our disagreement, which is frustrating beyond words, but I have come to realize lately that, I have a much larger pool of friends and loved ones than most who will stand and fight with me til resolution. Even if our conflict puts us on opposing sides, they will continue to work it out until we have figured out what is wrong and how to move forward.

Let me be the first to say, I have handled a lot of the situations poorly or at the very least, not as well as I would have liked. But, I think what has made it so exhausting lately is the sheer amount of it I have dealt with in such a short amount of time... Mostly small things that just evoke emotional reactions, things that have been thrown in my face, some that only brought about immediate anger, and other situations that forced me to choose what was more important to me; being right or showing love and respect to the person in front of me...

Can I just say, choosing love and respect is really difficult when you are angry at the person for something they have done and/or said...

But, I would also like to say, the difficulty or frustration felt when restraining the impulse to say or do something in retaliation is always worth it in the end. Otherwise, you are only left you feeling worse, unresolved, and now needing to also apologize on top of the initial hurt and emotion. So, while I have yet to entirely master this restraint-in-the-heat-of-the-moment thing, the few times I was able to keep it together, I always felt better in the end. Not because I felt like I had "done less wrong" and definitely not because I felt more right, but because hurting those you love never makes you feel better in the end... you just end up feeling like a scum of a person.

So, I guess the bottom line that I am feeling is that, despite the struggles relationally lately, I am learning a lot, I am somewhat begrudgingly growing, but I am growing and working for friendships that are totally worth fighting for. Talk about un-fun but entirely needed life lessons to learn. Sheesh.

Love,
Joy,
Peace,
Patience,
Kindness,
Goodness,
Gentleness,
Faithfulness,
and Self-Control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Sometimes I hate the fruits of the spirit, and other times I am overwhelmed by receiving them from others.

The Blah Weeks...

I really hate the days that are for all intents and purposes fine, nothing too off the wall, out of the ordinary, frustrating or otherwise, and even contained some really good parts.. Yet I still am left feeling blah at the end of the day. Today was one of those days, work was frustrating, but honestly I think it had more to do with my mindset than anyone or anything that actually took place, I had a great couple hours spent over coffee and chatting with some friends, and I even was able to sneak in a run (really I need to control the sugar intake that has gotten out of control the last week or so!).. And yet, here I sit, stretching on the floor, and something just feels off inside. Not the biggest fan of days where I feel blah for no real reason.

Completely random thoughts floating through my head:
I am super excited for a friend of mine and things going on in her life.

I am really excited to see "The Dark Tower" in a few weeks.

I am so excited for Avengers to come out (I know, I'm a nerd).

I dislike having to be patient, but feel like I have no other option at this point.

I really hate, and subsequently beat myself up when other people's happiness does not also bring me uninhibited joy and happiness for them... Talk about selfishness.. eesh.

It has been a really long time since I have experienced serious change in my life... I need to travel.. or move... or get a new job.. or SOMETHING!... But, none of those things are looking too promising at the moment (maybe I will just dye my hair again to satisfy the desire for change for a while haha).

My lack of dedication to working out makes me feel like my body is turning to goo or mush... I am fairly sure my goal to run a half marathon at the end of May is not going to happen..

I could use a little inspiration.. It has been a very long time since I have had an artistic craving...

There is a pretty good chance most of my emotions this week are due to a severe lack of good and/or long amounts sleep all week... Maybe I should work on that huh?

On all of these random notes, I leave you with one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser and her song Faithful, pretty much sums up how I am feeling.

Face to Face...

Today is one of those days where the weight of who I really am is what is covering my vision. Sometimes I think it is really good for us to come face to face with not only our brokenness, but how much and how often we really do not get things right. Our feelings so often are completely legitimate, we can have perfect rationale, and then we come up against someone else's situation and are made aware of how we have actually completely blown a situation. I, like anyone I suppose, really dislike days like today, but also realize that they are vital to our growth and humility, which ultimately is a good thing I guess.

"In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?" -Romans 8:26-31

So Frustrated...

Today has been like nails on a chalkboard on the inside...

Not in the physical sense, meaning I am not ill nor do I feel like I am getting sick. I literally mean it feels like the aggravation you have when someone is grinding their teeth or scratching a chalk board...

I am lacking a serious level of patience, I have little grace today for those who frustrate me, and I certainly have no place in my vocabulary to be understanding and helpful.

I have no idea where this is coming from, and have spent a decent amount of time just praying for clarity.. maybe it is just me, maybe I feel like being a jerk for no reason, there is always the chance that I am feeling tension because of my own issues, and maybe it has more to do with my own pride than anything else.. I don't know.

What I do know is I am aggravated, I lack patience, I am frustrated... and something is wrong. I wish I could place it. Slide the missing piece back into its place and move forward. But, instead I am sitting here just frustrated.

I want clarity. I want understanding... If I am supposed to be feeling this way so I listen to what God's trying to tell me better, I am not sure it is having its desired effect, but I certainly am talking to God about it more.

All I know is I am aggravated and frustrated, at mostly nothing in particular... Awesome.

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Doubts...

I was thinking a little bit today about doubts and fears. I am not talking about basic doubt or fears, but the ones deep down inside that really can impact a lot of areas of your life... I was also thinking a bit about how doubts and fears grow, change, or reduce... For example, my biggest fear in college was "ending up alone," meaning I was worried I would be the scary, slightly crazy cat lady at the end of the road.... (or dog lady as it would likely end up ;) I had serious doubts that God heard my pleas and cries for Him to bring me someone so I would not have to do "this" (life) alone. These thoughts ebbed and flowed depending on what was going on around me and how busy or fulfilled I felt. But, one thing remained, there was fear in (what I thought was the worst thing possible) being alone.

What is interesting to me, is, I have found myself genuinely coming out of that fear and those doubts in the last couple years, but mostly in the last year or so. Part of it has been because of my need to focus elsewhere, which removal from the feelings and situation long enough always allows some distance from the thoughts or desires (for me at least). Other parts of it have to do with needing to comfort those around me that I am in fact not lonely at all, not in the slightest... And, finally, I realized that I honestly, whole heartedly trust God's plan for my life. Whether that means I will be the cool fun aunt that never has a husband and family of her own.. or whether that means some day I will adopt my own kids as a single woman... or if I find myself in love, married, and a family of my own. I do not in any way regret or find disappointment in my life so far regardless of the future. I realized sometime in the last year that I genuinely am enjoying my journey, and no part of me feels lacking or that God has left me wanting...

I was marveling the other day at how content I am with life as a whole. I have had some serious struggles, issues, and fires I feel like I have been through the last couple years, but currently I find that I am just content. I love my life... If God chooses to bring me a man.. then He's really gonna have to work on that one, cause not only am I busy (no really, that's not even an avoiding a date line), I am not particularly looking in a guy entering my life in a manner beyond just friends (kiss of death for guys, sorry). You see, it is not that I am against dating or having a guy pursue, I just do not have any, nor know of any that I am hoping will "come get/find me." I like my life just the way it is, single, difficult, busy, and (surprisingly) in DC. If God's will or plan is for me to find "the one" (I am not really sure I believe in that anyway), then I have total and complete confidence that God will work it out... and the guy will be perfect for me haha.. Meaning, he will have no bones about pursuing, and work to get/have me.... thus making me fall deeply and madly in love with him.... haha maybe someday... but not today, and likely not anytime soon.

So, whether you are single or you simply are worried about a single friend, let me encourage you to definitely be praying for the situation, but do not doubt God's plan and the perfectness of how it will all work out in the end. "Do not worry about tomorrow" including worry about the singleness of your loved ones (or yourself).

Trust God.

Hello Annoyance...

I have been seriously annoyed the last couple days. Not at anything in particular, but I find myself having to exercise way more control with my reactions to things that are ultimately minor but leave me feeling ready to rip someone's head off. I, as one of my friends put it, had to put myself in adult time out yesterday to avoid laying into someone for a couple of rather minor situations. The problem is I logically know none of the situations matter, and I realize that my feelings towards them are rather silly or petty, but I also have found that knowing that has not helped improve my feelings towards the situations.

Last night, I found myself really just praying about the whole thing admitting that I wanted someone to pick a fight with me so I could tear them apart... and then recognizing how not ok that perspective is, and that I really was powerless to change my perspective and needed some divine intervention... Which ultimately put me to bed instead of talking to anyone.

I hope that the rest of the day and evening pan out in such a way that allows the remaining shreds of totally unfounded annoyance to waste away.

He Sees Me...

I find that I keep reminding myself lately that God sees me, and He intimately cares about what is going on in my life. That no matter how I am feeling in this moment, He knows, is here, and cares... I have to remind myself that He understands, gets it, and is here walking this as of late craptastic journey with me. One day this will all make beautiful sense, and I will be thankful for these lessons I am learning, but not completely aware of right now.

"The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." - Psalm 145:18

"...I have not said to Jacob’s descendants, ‘Seek me in vain.’ I, the LORD, speak the truth; I declare what is right." Isaiah 45:19b

Fitting...

There are times that I just do not feel like I fit. Life has changed and is different than it has been (ever, but that sounds way more dramatic than it actually is). I feel almost as if there is no where that I fit right now, no where that is home, and no where that feels like "my place." I was thinking about it last night, and I am wondering if God is doing this so that He can close the doors and move me forward.. I hope so because I would gladly close these doors and move forward to what God has planned.

There is a part of me that is content to stop looking back and move forward, and a part of me that is frustrated at the same time. I am finding the typical responses that people try to use to "help" or "comfort" me to be trite and shallow, which has been leaving me incredibly frustrated instead. I have spent a decent amount of time praying about it, and feeling like maybe I needed to just change my attitude, but really I think it has more to do with the fact that the things people are using to encourage me are not authentic, they do not spur me forward or towards Christ, and instead tend to be a typical fake response.. or worse, encouragement or advice originating from a selfish place.. like "you should just move here/home" or "I can't wait to see who God has planned for you.." (which at this point seems more like a comment to make them feel better about being my single friend now having a significant other)..

Last weekend I was able to spend some time talking with my bff, and she brought up all the possible responses she could say that essentially "could be" true and authentic, but ultimately are not helpful or appropriate. Sometimes people say them from a perspective aimed at helping and encouraging, but instead they are said from a place of not understanding the heart of the issue is coming from so ultimately not helpful, but make the person feel better. Other times the comments are full of understanding and truth. My bff did an amazing job (as always) of understanding my heart behind what I was saying, and responding to what I meant deep down instead of what I was actually saying (one of many reasons I love and cherish her friendship in my life).

So, right now I am at a place of not really being sure what is up. I have no words to describe, and just find most common place "encouragement" frustrating and annoying because of the lack of understanding... Which, to be fair, how can they if I cannot put into words what I am feeling and what is going on... However, soon, things will be different and better.

There are Days...

There are days that blow me away with how great they are. How seemlessly everything goes, and how in-tune with people I am, or they are with me.

And then, there are days like the last couple. Where I feel like I am running up against a brick wall, and nothing I do or say makes it better, and only makes the situation worse.

There are days that I am totally lost as to how I have gotten to where I am, how so many misunderstandings lead to such friction.

There are days that I wonder if I really am the way some people see me, maybe they are right and I am just totally blind to that area of myself.. and what do I do that creates that perception of me?

There are days I am overwhelmed with my imperfections and shortcomings that I find it not only hard to breathe, but I hurt at my core... and cannot decipher if it is true or not.

There are days that I can do nothing but just take whatever is thrown at me, because responding just makes it hurt worse.

There are days that the Grace and Mercy of God is hard to see through the emotions and frustrations.

There are days that only my flaws are visible, and there seems to be no one to lovingly cover them when I cannot.

There are days that I realize how much further I have to go, and maybe it really is for the best that I am alone because I would just screw up and hurt someone if they were with me.

There are days that life just sucks.

There are days that all I need is for someone to extend a little grace and mercy towards me, but I am too aware of the hypocrisy of seeking that to ask for it.

There are days that no one seems to understand me, and it leads to hurt, anger, frustration, and a whole slew of other emotions.

There are days that no matter how many times someone has said I am great or wonderful, this day proves them wrong in my own mind.

There are days that are clear as to why I should not be in a relationship because I have too many flaws still.

There are days that lead me to just want to drop my life and disappear to Africa.

There are days that I just feel alone and secluded.

There are days.......

I Need Him...

Last night I went to bed totally worn out but feeling completely void inside. Not because of any one thing, but because of every little thing invading my life right now.

As I laid in bed last night I was really struggling to focus and pray. It is a little odd because I can pray for quite a while for those I love, the people on my 3x5 bathroom prayer card, but as soon as I went through that.. or really the last several additions mostly consisting of prayers for safety and for God to draw near or take care of various people in my life... Once I was done there I felt suddenly stuck like words no longer would come to mind for myself. So, my mind just wandered. I thought about my day, various conversations, articles I had read in the news, things from last weekend, and to do's for the rest of the week... Somehow my mind kept going back to bizarre things, like the bitterness or pessimism of most of my friends here in DC. I thought about the frustration I feel towards random people and their approach to various things in their life. I thought about my dream from the night before... Long dream short, I moved home, but not in with my parents because I had quit my job that I just could not handle anymore, but did not want to move home because I had no plan for what to do next and did not want to tell my family..

Here are a few things I know now. I do not want to quit my job, but I do not want to stay here either. One of my co-workers put it best I have not "bought in" to the mission of what we are doing. I am unconvinced we are doing a good job, especially knowing the people and practices behind some of the things we do. I recognize we COULD be doing a good job, but I do not think we are right now. And, I certainly do not think we are doing a good job facilitating and moving forward with projects that could have a high impact.

I also realize that even still through it all I desperately miss the people who know my heart and build me up and push me towards Christ. Even the people who "know" me best here have no idea how to encourage me, help me, or be there for me. So, it ends up just coming across in a weak half attempt at making small talk with me, which does not help my current mood lately of just wanting to be alone. How ironic that the person I look forward to seeing the most every week is my personal trainer because he is helping me attain a huge goal I have had for a long time, we talk about martial arts all the time (and I have not been able to do that in a LONG time), and he is always pleasant and encouraging... I could not figure out last night if that is pathetic or a good thing that he is one of my favorite people here in DC... I am fine either way, just a thought.

I also realized I miss every day conversations about God.. I miss having belief as a basis of understanding. The mediocrity of most people's faith who say they believe and go to church is exhausting. Not because of anything big, but because their lives simply do not match, and it is as obvious as a neon sign that they are hypocritical in their life. There really is no wonder that non-Christians dislike us, I cannot blame them at all... I get tired, frustrated, and fed up by it too. Call a spade a spade, either believe and live like you believe, or acknowledge you do not believe.. but in between pretending (lukewarm) is just aggravating... It all comes down to honesty. I cherish honesty... Anyone who knows me is intimately acquainted with my affinity for truth and honesty.

Praise the Lord with my whole heart that this class I am in with school is not as time consuming or difficult to understand as the last two... Maybe, just maybe I am actually learning, and will make it through this double masters degree!

Bringing it all back around, as I lay in my bed last night lost in thoughts, unable to sleep for who knows how long, I was totally overwhelmed with the feeling that I. Need. Him. I need my Savior so so SO much right now. But, aggravating my thoughts is the fact that I cannot make things better, I cannot bring myself closer to Him. All I can do is be here, open and waiting for Him to come get me, and thankfully I know He will because He always does. Like the sunrise and the coming of spring, my savior will come for me. Somehow, someway God will make all of this worth it, I will learn, I will grow, I will become a better more beautiful person through all of this. I have no doubts that God will redeem every bit of my journey and make the purpose make sense.

But, my reality is in this moment, right now, I just feel discouraged and frustrated. God knows exactly what I need, He sees me, of this there are no doubts... My biggest question is (and usually always is) "when?"... God will make this all ok again, I know looking back I will be thankful for this time and so glad I learned everything I am learning right now, but in the moment I am just left frustrated.. and worse, I am frustrated with things I cannot change, which leaves me feeling totally depleted and like I am just functioning to function.. which is an entirely different conversation, but goes back to my disdain for mediocrity.

However, I also recognize that in my frustration God will make Himself known, He always does. So, here I am, sitting and waiting for my Jesus that I so desperately need in every moment.

"Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed" 

- Psalm 119:116

When God is What I Need...

So, for a whole lot of reasons I just really do not feel like going into I have been extremely frustrated lately.. And, by lately I mean the last 6 months or so...


Today, also for a lot of reasons I am aggravated deep down inside. I am frustrated at my lack of ability to solve the issues and problems going on in my life, and I am feeling helpless or stuck. I hate when I cannot fix or solve issues or problems in my own life.. but also in someone else's. I know it sounds ridiculous, I mean why would I care or why would it ache in my heart when I am helpless to help someone I care about?... The simple answer? I do not know.. I do not know why it drives and stakes itself in my heart or why I am so deeply effected when someone I care about is going through rough times. Sometimes I wish I was not like that, or just did not care quite so much.. but then I realized.. I like that I care so deeply. It happens to be one of the things that I try and cultivate, even if it does end up adding stress to my life. I would rather care deeply and passionately every single day, experiencing pain, hurt, frustration, and stress that I would not otherwise have to go through then to simply not care about what others are going through.


So, this morning a friend and I both had the same feeling of just discontentment deep down inside, for a lot of the same reasons, even though what is causing the feelings are not the same. Our solution was to spit scripture back and forth for a while... Here's a little of what we sent, I hope this brings you as much comfort and reassurance as it brought me today...


"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?
 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13


"Also this I came to see as wisdom under the sun, and it impressed me.
 There was a small city with few men in it and a great king came to it, surrounded it and constructed large siegeworks against it.
 But there was found in it a poor wise man and he delivered the city by his wisdom Yet no one remembered that poor man.
 So I said, "Wisdom is better than strength." But the wisdom of the poor man is despised and his words are not heeded.
 The words of the wise heard in quietness are better than the shouting of a ruler among fools.
 Wisdom is better than weapons of war, but one sinner destroys much good." - Ecclesiastes 9:13-18


"Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?" - James 2:5



"Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." - Proverbs 25:15


"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while,
   "He who is coming will come and will not delay.
    But my righteous one will live by faith.
   And if he shrinks back,
      I will not be pleased with him." - Hebrews 10:36-38


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts.
 As the rain and the snow
       come down from heaven,
       and do not return to it
       without watering the earth
       and making it bud and flourish,
       so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
       It will not return to me empty,
       but will accomplish what I desire
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." - Isaiah 55:8-11



"Why are you in despair, O my soul?
         And why have you become disturbed within me?
         Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
         For the help of His presence." - Psalm 43:5,8


"The LORD will protect you from all evil;
         He will keep your soul.
    The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
         From this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:7-8

"So that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;
 strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously" - Colossians 1:10-11


"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
         Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
    I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress,
         My God, in whom I trust!" - Psalm 91:1-2

"Sustain me according to Your word, that I may live;
         And do not let me be ashamed of my hope." - Psalm 119:116

God is what I need.

Choosing Contentment...

So, I was sitting with a couple of my friends and I realized something... Even when I am unhappy about certain things and aspects of my life, I tend towards contentment. Not because it's easy, not because I like it more, not even because God says anywhere to be content... Just simply because of a faith I have in my God.. and maybe a little predisposition in my creation that makes me naturally this way.

But, here's my thoughts on it... It is totally understandable to not feel content in a certain aspect of your life.. usually I take that to mean God is pushing me to either move on, grow, or He is challenging me to do something I am probably not the biggest fan of naturally. That makes sense to me.. Either I have moved.. or God is moving.. one of the two.

However, I do not understand those who say "God told me to come here/do this/be that..." and the very next thing out of their mouth is "I hate this/hate that/hate being here..." That's a lot different than feeling like God's moving you and not being sure you like it yet. I am not even sure you can claim you are being faithful and obedient with an attitude of hatefulness towards what you feel God's asking you to do. Uncertainty I get, feeling like you're supposed to be somewhere else, having a passion for something other than what you are currently doing, knowing eventually something else is what God has called you to.. all those things I totally understand not being content with the current standings.. I have been there ridiculously more than I care to admit.. But, each time I have never hated where I was.. I have hated certain aspects, and each time I have felt convicted that I was not choosing to follow anything that was asked of me..

For example.. summer '07- summer '08.. hated a whole bunch of aspects of my life.. for example, I felt like I was simply getting a paycheck and that my job meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Oh sure I could point to all the good my company did, all the family groups (in my OWN family) that were positively effected by my job and diligent work... but ultimately at the end of the day... I was just pulling in a paycheck. Part of my disdain for my job had to do with the hundreds upon hundreds of times I heard "You're just too young.. you don't understand." ... I wanted to respond "You're too old.. you will never understand." .. and sometimes I did (oops). However, my saving grace was that I worked my butt off so I had money for gas.. so I could be insanely involved in my youthgroup.. and by insanely, I mean I was at every function we had... I loved being a youth leader. Loved the involvement.. every bit of it, even the leaders meetings, the pizza 3 or 4 days a week, the lack of love and acceptance my kids showed me and each other.. I loved loving them and laughing with them... So, I worked so I could then have money to do what I loved. But, even still.. I felt like my life had somehow hit the pause button. I no longer felt like I was moving, growing, walking the path God had set in my life... I just felt.. stagnant. No other way to describe it.. So, yeah I was not content with a lot of aspect of my life at that point...

And then, a boy broke my heart... seriously.

And then, I got an entire year of living at home, loving my family, and letting them love me.

And then, I went to Africa for the first time.

And then, I was able to "commiserate" with 2 other friends who felt the same way I did.

And then, I learned what it meant to not see my path, not feel like I am moving, and yet see God in dozens of areas of my life.

And then, I was able to spend a year connecting with, learning, and loving extended family that I will probably never get the chance to do that again...

And then, I was able to encourage youth leaders who didn't know how to continue.

And then, I was able to connect with and love kids who pushed me and every other leader away....

God worked. God moved. I knew it, and I saw it.. and then at the end, a year later I realized I had no choice but to experience that because it sucked and I needed to persevere even when I was blind and my heart was hurting because a boy chose to be dumb.

I realized it was not that God has paused my life.. or put anything on hold... He took a year and made me be still and know he is God.. He fortified my walls, strengthened my communication with Him.. and then sent me to a place to recover and remember how precious and loved I am by Him. I spent the summer of '08 at a camp where I was begged to come back.. under any circumstances, and I told them no 4 times before I agreed.. I spent the summer being told every day how much I was loved and cherished.. I was reminded how important I am to my sweet Savior... I never once heard I was too young, didn't understand, or wasn't mature enough to grasp something... I simply was Krista.. joyful.. loved.. and God refreshed my weary soul..

And then, He sent me to Virginia to be around the most amazing community of people.. who truly love Jesus.. and He somehow uses them to heal me and others. There are aspects of things I know are not my favorite.. I will not be here forever, in fact I have an idea of how long I will be here based on some talks with Jesus... But, the bottom line is I am here.. and I am learning, growing, moving, refreshing, and changing to become who I need to be for a task later in life.. whatever that is.. and, I LOVE that. I love knowing I am preparing for something later. I feel it even when I become bogged down with the monotonous daily tasks...

So, looking at the last two years.. That is why I seriously get frustrated when people not only become discontent with an area of their life.. but with EVERYTHING in it.. and then claim they are there simply cause "God told them." Baloney.. You either are following or you are not.. and if you are so incredibly unhappy.. you're probably missing God's point anyway... and it will take Him LONGER to get you to listen... *sigh*

Even when I do not understand... I choose to be content. Not always right away.. but usually once the emotion of the situation is gone I have come out on the other side choosing contentment regardless... It is a choice, a chosen perspective, a point of view you will have to fight for. Just... just choose to be content and you will see totally differently.

Frustrating Days...

Today, I am just frustrated. It seems as though every little detail that could go wrong has. Even things that I did not predict to go wrong.. did.

I woke up this morning to work out with Brit (second morning in a row!), we did less cardio and more toning today... I am not the biggest fan of getting up insanely early to exercise, but I honestly have no other time to do it consistently, so early it is... It was good, I can already feel my body adjusting to the activity (with much thanks to the dancing recently, and the martial arts lessons). However, this morning I woke up with roughly 4 hours of sleep under my belt, and a whole lot of stress on my shoulders.

My day did not really improve as it went on, and every issue I could have possibly had with work related deadlines, I had. I have done what I can to fix the problems, but as of now there isn't much I can do except work.... slooooowwwlllyyy... to get it done. *sigh* Just frustrating. I think I will be working insanely long hours today and tomorrow to try and get things done by deadlines.

I am just frustrated with a lot of things right now.