Friends, Moving, and Life Lessons...

So, I am officially unemployed for a few weeks and it is awesome... Except for the packing, homework, torn ligament in my hip, and dozens of goodbyes I have to go through over the next few weeks.

I mean the homework is just a normal part of life, and thankfully the class I am in currently (Power, Politics, and Influence) is actually fairly interesting. However, the packing is obnoxious, but made down right infuriating by the fact that I cannot lift anything heavy. Or more specifically, I have been instructed not to lift anything that requires my legs to pick up because my torn ligament in my hip needs time to heal... Great, good thing I am not moving in the next month... Seriously, the most aggravating thing ever. I can feel the unsteadiness of the torn ligament throughout the day, so thankfully I do not every forget about it, and there are times when I move a certain way that I am reminded with an electrifying shot to my hip that I have done or moved something incorrectly... Definitely keeps me in check. But, I am also not one to handle needing help well... Yet, here I am, in desperate need of those around me to help me move. Oye. Thankfully, I have awesome friends that can be bought with a decent dinner... However, the amazingness of my friends does not negate the fact that not being able to do it on my own is both aggravating and humbling at the same time. It is a really big struggle for me not to be able to do it on my own. *sigh* Yet another way the Lord is working on me to bring glory to Himself I guess...

It is such a surreal thing to move away from so many people you love. I mean, I have done it numerous times, but never on this scale before. This whole moving to MI thing is a bit overwhelming in general, but the reactions of those around me only makes it all the more overwhelming. However, the reality is, I am blown away by the sheer number of people I have in my life who genuinely love me and care about me... And, I do not say that lightly or flippantly.

I am amazed, and seriously touched by my friends.

I will say though, moving away serves as the best motivation for people to give great hugs!.. Such a win for a touch person! haha I love how many friends have genuinely hugged me, held on longer than normal or just beyond what I expected, and made a point of telling me they loved me and will miss me. Never can I adequately express how much those words and actions have soaked into my heart and found a permanent spot. I have also been humbled by the way several of my friends have gone out of their way to see me, spend extra time with me, or just swing by for a quick hello and hug. I am so blessed... So. so. so. Blessed.

I have gotten the impression from several people that they think I should just "know" how much those around me love and care for me. And, maybe I should; but, apparently I do not... I am not feigning ignorance, nor am I trying to deny anything...

I mean, let's flip the scenario around for a second, can you point to every person in your life and accurately explain how much they care about you, love you, or how far they would go to let you know?.. Can you adequately explain just how much they will go out of their way to help you or show you how important you are to them?

Do not get me wrong, I can easily point to a lot of people and explain the relationship we have, but that does not mean I know exactly how far they will go for me, how inconvenienced they will choose to be, or how much I mean to them. I mean truly, I can very easily tell you how much that person means to me, how much I love them, care about them, and would do for them in a heartbeat... But, there are not many friends I would find myself able to articulate well their side of our friendship.. Not because I do not think they care about me, but just because I would be unsure of the accuracy of my description. Not to mention, because I am my own worst enemy, I know full well how much of a jerk I can be sometimes. I know the intimate thoughts and feelings that are really unsightly and should not be shared with others. Ultimately, I know my flaws, sins, and the things that make me a really frustrating, irritating, or obnoxious person to be around. So, from my own worst enemy perspective, it is hard to imagine how someone else could love me so much... Honestly, this whole thing is really bringing into full view how amazing it is that God does not only love me unconditionally despite myself, but how crazy it is that he puts other people around me who love me regardless of myself.

Seriously, I am so blessed. Stressed out about the next month of my life, and working to keep the emotions at bay and in check.. But, really I am feeling so blessed.

**But, not even kidding, I am working to keep these crazy emotions in check, and if you make me cry, I will likely high-five you to the face. Don't do it! (kidding, sorta.. I won't high-five you to the face... but seriously, don't say or do anything to make me to cry.)

Meeting Rainbow...

While I would like to say that I take appropriate measures to ensure that I get enough food, sleep, exercise, it really is only true if I have no one who needs me to go out of my way and/or lose sleep for. This weekend was no different. I had planned on catching a red-eye flight home from California in order to be able to attend a leadership summit at my church, then I had planned to drive to Ohio incredibly late to meet up with my family and a bunch of old friends, one of which was visiting from France! But, apparently God had other plans. My flight was delayed for almost three hours, and then once I finally arrived in DC more than three hours late, the cargo door of the plane would not open for about 45 minutes.. which promptly means I was going to be 3 hours late to a 4 hours summit... Meaning by the time I made it there it would be pointless. So, instead I slept in my car for 45 minutes, then proceeded to alter my plans and drive directly to Ohio.

Still not entirely sure why it worked out for me to not go to the leadership summit, but head to Ohio earlier.. But, regardless it meant more hugs and loves.

I pulled into the hotel behind my parents and sister by about a minute in a half, which was fun, but it also meant none of us had a moment to relax as we checked in, unloaded, changed clothes, and got ready to leave again to make the half hour drive to our friends house to meet up with everyone for dinner.

The drive time that my family and I had throughout the course of the couple days we were in Ohio was perfect to say the least, we talked, laughed, picked on each other, drank coffee, offered to share with my dad, and told stories the entire time.

When we finally arrived, there were more people there than I expected, but the welcoming greeting is always one of my favorite things when visiting other people or having them visit me. There is just something special and exciting about the first few moments of hugs, laughter, hellos, and how are you's. This time proved to be just as wonderful and lovely as I was hoping. My dear friend from France has gone by Rainbow on anything that requires a screen name for years, including IMs, message boards, etc.. So to finally get to hug her for the first time and say our long overdue hellos and how are you's in person was awesome, and almost surreal because of the fact that we have known each other for 8-9 years now, and this was the first time we were able to hug and talk in person. And, while pictures always help keep people in the loop as to new hair styles and various things of that sort, it is always entirely different to see and talk to people in person... Her voice is a beautiful mix of a British accent with a French cadence.

What was and has always been so meaningful to me is the ever present love, prayers, encouragement, and care that has been projected from her the entire time I have known her, and this weekend was no different.

One of the things I always find interesting is to get glimpses into who I am to, and through other people's eyes. Their view of me is always so humbling, and to see the good they see in me, and to know the love they have for me... It makes me so acutely aware of what I do not deserve, but have somehow managed to come upon in more than my fair share of friendships in my life. At points throughout the weekend I was so overwhelmed by her love for me that I simply did not have words, so I would just sit smiling and listening to the conversations of the group eb and flow across different topics.

I would be completely remiss if I did not mention the several other people I got to spend time with and hug, it was such a lovely weekend full of stories, laughter, hugs, and food... lots of food. At a couple different points throughout the weekend I was amazed at how long these people have known me, which basically was my entire college career, and definitely my actual career, including moving to and from camps in Ohio, living at home for a year after college, moving to central VA, and then up to DC.. I am so blessed that they stuck with me through break ups, moves, struggles, business, chaos, and everything in between.

The overwhelming sense I left the weekend with was just how lucky I am that so many people love and care for me praying for big and little things in my life. I am just so blessed.

Double-Minded...

Sometimes I amaze (and frustrate) myself at how double-minded I can be about some things in my life. In general, I tend to lean towards being the type of person who knows what I like, what I want, and how I plan on getting there... or at the very least the next step or two I need to take in order to get to where I want to go. I typically know what I believe and why I believe it, and more often than not, I have a story behind my beliefs as well.

However, there are other things in my life that if I am being completely honest about, I feel double-minded, and it drives me crazy... When half of me wants something and the other half is repelled by the very same idea, I find myself stuck, immobile, trapped, and frozen. Wouldn't life just be easier if I stuck my head in the sand and took a nap!?..

Uh. No...
That just makes you look ridiculous with your butt stuck up in the air for all to see.

To name a few topics:
On one hand I would love to find the love of my life, get married, and strike off on adventures together... On the other, I love my life as is, I love the benefits of being single, I love that I am able to be transient by nature and follow wherever the Spirit of the Lord leads me. I know that while not necessarily easier, life certainly is less complicated (not in a good or bad way, there are just less things to take into consideration) when you are single. I also am completely aware of the fact that I do not understand what it means to be totally and completely in love with a man and willing to follow him anywhere. I do not know what it means for a man to love me back in the way God intended... Once I find this, I realize my view of singleness will change, I also know without any doubts I want to accomplish everything I can before that time in order to be prepared and where I need to be.

On one hand I would love to get a new job, find the position and organization that is my sweet spot.. On the other hand, I am aware that I could get a new job and it not be anything close to making my heart swell for 40 plus hours a week.. Which of course leads to, what if I move for a job I hate? I mean technically I have been there and done that, and clearly made it out alive and relatively unscathed with more wisdom, but seriously, I love where I live right now (shocker, I know), and my heart aches at the thought of leaving my church and friends here... Yet at the same time my heart of hearts longs for, desires more. My heart aches to be passionate about what I do, to know that what I am doing means something.

On one hand I love the thought of moving to a new place and all the adventures that would inevitably ensue, on the other hand, what if I move to a place that does not allows me to find adventures and activities that are a stones throw away where I currently live... Meaning, what if I move alone again to a place that does not fit. Ultimately I am well aware that God would take care of me, and teach me so much more than I can fathom right now, but I also truly love where I am currently living, and it fits me and where I am in my life right now.

So, double-minded or not, here I am, all of me in my full glory of imperfection and indecision.

One of the things I have been considering in terms of the ramifications of being double-minded is that while frustrating, it is also a good starting place for God to really do some work in my heart. Meaning, if I am unsure of what I want, it will do a few things, first and probably foremost, it will drive me to pray about it and likely pray a lot about it. Second, not knowing what I want forces me to pause and consider it all regularly, which for someone who tends towards "go until God says no..." the need to stop and think is really a good thing. The last thing that I think is potentially a really good thing about my double-minded feelings towards some things in my life is that it keeps me humble... I find it really easy to charge off into the unknown due to my pride alone, yet when I am uncertain I seek Christ and other people much smarter and more experienced than I am for advice, I stop to pray, think and consider.

So, while entirely frustrating to not know exactly what I think and want in some areas of my life, I also realize there is some good to take into consideration in these situations.

It Is Over...

I find myself in a situation again that makes me want to respond like a typical girl, it seems like the most appropriate way to feel at the moment, hurt, frustrated... emotional. Yet, I realize that how I think I should be feeling right now is not actually what is going on at all inside...
What is even more amazing is the peace I feel despite the situation I am in.

Thankfully my innumerable prayers to protect my heart were answered, and even more thankfully the situation is the most void of drama and hurt I have ever encountered. And, even though there is always a slight feeling of being bummed, not because of the circumstances themselves... I am actually quite thankful for how it all happened, everything I went through, and learned (cause let me tell you.. it was a lot), but just bummed because it has occurred once again.

Yet, through it all, there is a peace. A letting go feeling of complete surrender that the situation, the circumstances, the feelings all are being handed over to my sweet savior, and I will never care to take the control of them again...

I had a feeling this situation was going to turn out this way, and still chose to walk through the door because I knew I was going to learn, I was going to grow, and I was going to see several things in a way I had not ever viewed them. Looking back, I would do it again for all of those reasons, and quite frankly because I felt a peace to walk through the door, which thankfully the peace has remained. I do not think I made any poor choices nor did I make a mistake.

So, it is over, but only because one thing has to end in order for the next to start. Whatever is next, it is in God's hands.

Thankful Today...

Life is never easy.. Have you ever noticed or thought about that? I mean, even when "life is good" there is ALWAYS something either looming or partaking in what is going on right now.

Yet, somehow we in the midst of everything forget all the time how blessed we are..

One of my old youth leaders posted this on her facebook status and I got to thinking a lot about it,

"What if all you had today is what you thanked God for yesterday?"

Well, I determined I would always have food and my family.

I would often have food, family, friends, and my car.

Sometimes I would have food, family, friends, my car, sunshine, and the same day over (I sometimes literally just thank God for my day)... 

I hardly ever thank God for my money, my clothes, make-up, shoes, etc.. Not that I am unappreciative.. I just tend to be thankful for things that legitimately mean something to me or things that tend to be stressers in my life (aka my car).

So Lord, thank you, for my food, friends, family, car, house, job, clothes, money, shoes, breath, and every other ridiculously small thing in my life that I tend to overlook. I am so blessed even when I am stressed and in a piss-poor mood. Thank you that your blessings have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you.

It's Ok To Not Be Ok..

On my morning commute to work I was listening to Matt Chandler and he was talking about Blessings and Woes (blessings and curses basically). He went through and detailed out why it would say in Luke "blessed are the poor" and later "woe is the rich"... he pointed out that it has nothing to do with the fact that you are a starving college student, or arrived to church in a multi million dollar car.. He went to Matthew where it explains it's "blessed are the poor in spirit"...

Anyway, he went on to explain how important it is for us to realize that either we are totally incapable of doing life on our own, or in some cases we realize we DON'T feel like we need God.. and in the process it hits us that we SHOULD realize how much we need Jesus...

He points out that one of his favorite sayings about his church is "it's ok to not be ok... but it's not ok to stay there." He continues by explaining that he grew up in churches where everyone was perfect, no problems etc..etc.. and in a previous podcast he talked about how when people pretend to be ok, but aren't.. when they fake the smile for long enough suddenly something explodes and they're having an affair, getting divorced, killing someone.. and it all seems out of the blue.

At church, in community, it's ok to not be ok... to not have it all together. But, it's not ok to stay there, it's important to grow.. even if you are struggling and don't see the growth, it's important to be putting forth the effort to allow God to move you and your heart. He also pointed out that so often we focus on someone's conversion "THEY ARE SAVED!!... the end" when really their story begins with "And they got SAVED... and then..." We forget that saved doesn't mean absolved of every temptation and issue, that sometimes it takes 1, 2, 10, 20 years to get past an issue... That the progress can be so painstakingly slow that we don't even realize we've accomplished a huge task or over come something, until after we've passed it then it's like it suddenly clicks and we realize God moved us!..

So, it's ok to not be ok... but it's not ok to stay there. Or, it's ok to be broken and hurting, it's not ok to wallow in it.