Will You Love Me When I'm Ugly?...

This is a thought I have been mulling over the last week or two.

Let me set the stage for why...

About two and a half months ago, I took the perfect job for me. Seriously, at this point in my life the job is totally perfect. The job allows me to live what I love, use my skills and personality and love people for Jesus.

The first month I was here I basically didn't sleep at all. Literally, even when I would lay down to sleep I would lay in bed awake for hours, finally doze off and never fully reaching REM sleep for the first month. -- Praise the Lord for coffee.. not. even. kidding.

The second month I became ill... As in I slept for days, coughed until my insides hurt with every movement, and finally went to the doctors two weeks later only to discover I had to get four different medications in order to get over whatever ridiculously-long-named illness I had. Once the medication was over, I was not completely better, but was around 95% of the way there... But, I had work to do, so I kept plowing through.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been working in the vicinity of 80 hours a week because things simply have to get done as soon as possible. During those three weeks, my great grandma passed away, and I took exactly one day (Saturday) off to do homework. I have gotten to roughly 40% of the things on my to-do list, and even still the things that I have gotten to are not the essential trainings that I need to pull together and create to begin implementing and training people for the changes in programming we are doing.. (GAH!) Did I mention I also had homework to fit in?

I have things to do.. Lots of things...

And, even in the midst of all of this, I have gotten negative feedback (and just to be clear, not all of my feedback has been negative). I knew taking this job would put me in front of a firing squad so to speak. I also knew, that I would have a lot of difficult times ahead as God moved and asked people to change, and as He used me in whatever way He decided to in order to do that. I also knew that it would be difficult to do all of these things without my close and best friends around to support me or to distract me.. or make me laugh.. or get me out of my own head.. or tell me that I am acting crazy... (seriously, my friends have no idea how much I truly rely on them).

So, back to my question, will you love me when I am ugly?

Will you love me when my patience wears thin and I snap?
Will you love me when I say something wrong?
Will you love me when I don't have the answers?
Will you love me when I make the wrong decision?
Will you love me when I fail?
Will you love me when I didn't plan something well?
Will you love me when I don't do what you wanted me to?

Will you still love me when my ugly is showing?

This picture is not to say or communicate that I am ugly.. but, this is me... before I am any sort of "put together."

This is what I look like, tired in the morning, before makeup, before I've washed my face or brushed my teeth, before my hair is done, before I have even had my coffee...

This was me watching my puppy play in my half asleep stupor... (How does he have so much energy in the morning?!)

Will you still love me before I am put together and presentable?

I am not necessarily looking for comforting words, I am not fishing for encouragement, nor am I interested in people feeling sorry or bad for me... Instead, I just wanted to push others to think. When I (or anyone around you) fail, will you still love them? Will you care for them and forgive them?.. Or will you choose to say things that are not helpful, give feedback that does not spur on to be better, especially before you know the full story or what is really going on. Will you come along side them and figure out what you can do to help?

Just a thought for Thursday.

Planning Change...

I have always tended towards liking change. I really enjoy surprises, but like most, I like change on my terms, and in ways I can grasp or get a handle on. However, minor changes do not typically phase me, I enjoy the challenge of seeing if I can pull an audible in the middle of something and go with it.. Other times I plan change, and that is my favorite, such as changing my hair color or buying a puppy (I am so tired haha)...

What is by far the most difficult change for me (and likely everyone else) is when I have to help someone else change or plan change. Partially because to some extent, even if you like change... you don't like change. And, let's call a spade a spade here, change is hard.

What I love about my new job is, I am totally in my sweet spot of helping others be better, more effective, more passionate, more excited, and more challenged to dive deeper into our Lord, sorta like swimming in the ocean. I love that whether for good, bad or exhausting, my job is to help others grow in Christ.

Couple reminders based on things I have noticed lately:

Change is difficult and stressful. 
            "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

Taking time to rest and recharge is difficult, but essential.
             "On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God." - Psalm 62:7

There is a time and a season for everything.

             "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

At times we are supposed to support someone else's vision, even if it seems crazy.

              "Then Jonathan said to the young man who was carrying his armor, 'Come and let us cross over to the garrison of these uncircumcised; perhaps the Lord will work for us, for the Lord is not restrained to save by many or by few.' His armor bearer said to him, 'Do all that is in your heart; turn yourself, and here I am with you according to your desire.'” - 1 Samuel 14:6-7            
             "So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." - Exodus 17:11-12

In all, above all, through all, and despite any emotion, love.
               "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. 
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13

Reacting to Stress...

I often work very hard (and most of the time I am successful) at containing the emotions that are raw, close to my heart or leave me feeling vulnerable. I mean, let's be honest, I convey emotions all over the place.. I ooze excitement, happiness consumes my face when I'm laughing, my voice and body language hit like a ton of bricks when I am upset or angry... But, when I am overwhelmed with feelings, I contain those at all costs. However, there are times when no amount of containment efforts do anything but add to the explosion when my emotions catapult me off the cliff of control.

My emotional reaction to stress differs depending on the situation, but also is different based on the compounding emotions added to the stress. I am in one of those periods in my life that no amount of containment efforts do much for very long in hiding or containing the stress and emotions. I mean, at this point, I can talk about the emotions I am feeling, but it is conveyed with a smile, a nervous laugh, and I refer to them as though I am actually talking about someone else...

I am fully aware, and very intentionally telling people how I feel without actually letting them witness the emotions. At this point I do not know how else to cope with all of the people and questions coming my way. I want to be completely and totally honest, but I also have to prevent myself from falling apart... Now is not the time to be emotional, things have to get done and be accomplished.

Yet, despite all of my best efforts, sometimes there just is nothing I can do to keep the stress and emotions under wraps.

Sunday evening I had a meltdown... and, when I say meltdown, I am not talking about some cute little cry session that makes you feel better when you are done... I am referencing total and complete overload type of shutdown. I was working on homework and legitimately not understand what I was doing, I had spent three hours trying to do my homework and had literally gotten nowhere.. Not one thing had been accomplished other than Googling terms, formulas, and examples. I had a little over four hours until the homework was due, and I had nothing done. On an average night when I understand my homework for this class (Managerial Finance) it takes me three to four hours... When I do not understand, it can take up to seven or eight hours.

After a few random outbursts at my computer for hating it, my mom suggested I ask my dad for help. So, because I had no other option and was already on the downward spiral of freaking out, I asked my dad to help...

Pause real quick... My dad is an amazing man, he is my hero, and I love that we are a lot alike, we are very close, and we communicate the same way... Most times our similarity is beneficial, but in the instances where I do not understand and are teetering on the edge of meltdown, our communication deteriorates quickly.

We started out strong, he was figuring out my homework, and walking me through what I needed to do... then I began to not understand why things were getting done the way they were.. I loathe not understanding things that I try to grasp. Seriously, I hate it when I do not and feel as though I cannot comprehend something. So, I began asking questions about why it was being done this way and not that way... He explained.. I asked again in a different way, he explained again in a different way, and something inside of me just snapped. I could not handle the fact that he was explaining and I literally could NOT grasp what he was saying. So I asked a different way, and he explained in another way, and we both began raising our voices.. (in our family raising your voice really does not have any direct correlation to being angry, we raise our voices for every emotion in the book basically.) We began repeating the asking questions, explaining, and raising our voices.. and me continuing not to understand for about an hour.

I literally felt like I had been pushed off a cliff and had no way of reeling back to control the emotions that literally exploded out of me.

I began to cry.. and I am not a cute crier, I ugly cry. So I cried, and talked with a breaking voice, then tried yelling with a breaking voice.. all the while knowing that I was not going to help him understand what I was not understanding, but all I felt like I could control was the off chance that I might be able to say SOMETHING to help me understand, thus validating my emotions and my out of control feeling that had taken over.

I mean after all, if I could not keep my schooling together, I knew it was a slippery slope to other things I cannot control. And, I am not a fan of things I cannot control inside of myself.. in general I, like most other people, dislike feeling out of control, but to be honest, my intense desire for control comes down to wanting to be in control of myself, not necessarily my circumstances (although I do like that as well).

So, Sunday night I cried. Partially because of the frustration of my homework, but also because I felt as though with everything going on, my homework SHOULD be the one thing I can control; that would be a false feeling and ideal.

To finish the story, after we finished yelling and me melting down, I took a break to get some dinner, then he helped me with the remainder of homework that he could, and the remainder of my homework I threw some numbers and formulas together that might have possibly been what was needed for the rest of my homework and called it good at 1:30am... after starting around 6:30.

The thing I am realizing is that no matter how excited I am about what is coming, every other emotion is trailing like little ducklings. I know I am following my God, and I know that this job is going to be my sweet spot.. I know without any doubts that challenges and all, I am going to relish what God has me doing. But, I am fairly certain I have a meltdown or two coming in the next month or so, but I am hoping it occurs when I am alone or at the very least around someone who can handle it and does not take it personally.

God never said it would be easy to follow Him... But, man what a ride it will be!

Out of The Boat...

I love evenings that are filled with people I am really close with, they are among some of my favorite moments. My friends (and family) bring such a unique perspective to my life, I always feel so much better after talking to them, and especially after telling them the things I am thinking about, working through, uncertain about, and praying about, they just have a way of speaking into my life words of wisdom and healing. Tonight as I caught up my friends and brother all of them highlighted different things, spoke into my heart in a way that only they could.

A few nuggets of wisdom to share from the conversations:
Not only is Jesus our Lord and Savior, but He is also "Jehovah Sneaky"... meaning He does things all the time that we are clueless about when we walk into the situation, and then on the other side are left feeling like He is crazy sneaky in His plans!.. I laughed hysterically at this term for quite a while!

I realized that I sabotage my own thoughts more than I would like to admit out of fear. I am an expert at hiding my defensive walls, and do a wonderful (in a bad way) job of preventing myself from getting hurt, by also keeping myself from walking through a potentially amazing situation or opportunity.

I was reminded that I will look back on all of this and fully understand what God is doing, and on top of that, I will be thankful, and excited at all of the ways my Lord has moved.

Sometimes I am really good at freaking out for a little bit, melting down, and then coming full circle and releasing the stress, anxiety, problem, situation, questions, uncertainty etc..etc.. to God, and other times, I choose to "protecting myself" from further hurt by not taking it all to God. But, every once in a while, I am all in regardless of the outcome, and then I allow God to truly take control, and amazingly, no matter what happens, I end up happy, content or at least understanding of the purpose behind what He was doing. Somehow over and over I forget that my better option is to give it up and be all in.

Despite bouncing between being anxious and stressing over various things in my life, I want to be all in. I want to step out of the boat, I want to fix my eyes on Christ, and I want to take comfort in His voice. Because after all, He told me not long ago "Peace, I'm here."

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Doubts...

I was thinking a little bit today about doubts and fears. I am not talking about basic doubt or fears, but the ones deep down inside that really can impact a lot of areas of your life... I was also thinking a bit about how doubts and fears grow, change, or reduce... For example, my biggest fear in college was "ending up alone," meaning I was worried I would be the scary, slightly crazy cat lady at the end of the road.... (or dog lady as it would likely end up ;) I had serious doubts that God heard my pleas and cries for Him to bring me someone so I would not have to do "this" (life) alone. These thoughts ebbed and flowed depending on what was going on around me and how busy or fulfilled I felt. But, one thing remained, there was fear in (what I thought was the worst thing possible) being alone.

What is interesting to me, is, I have found myself genuinely coming out of that fear and those doubts in the last couple years, but mostly in the last year or so. Part of it has been because of my need to focus elsewhere, which removal from the feelings and situation long enough always allows some distance from the thoughts or desires (for me at least). Other parts of it have to do with needing to comfort those around me that I am in fact not lonely at all, not in the slightest... And, finally, I realized that I honestly, whole heartedly trust God's plan for my life. Whether that means I will be the cool fun aunt that never has a husband and family of her own.. or whether that means some day I will adopt my own kids as a single woman... or if I find myself in love, married, and a family of my own. I do not in any way regret or find disappointment in my life so far regardless of the future. I realized sometime in the last year that I genuinely am enjoying my journey, and no part of me feels lacking or that God has left me wanting...

I was marveling the other day at how content I am with life as a whole. I have had some serious struggles, issues, and fires I feel like I have been through the last couple years, but currently I find that I am just content. I love my life... If God chooses to bring me a man.. then He's really gonna have to work on that one, cause not only am I busy (no really, that's not even an avoiding a date line), I am not particularly looking in a guy entering my life in a manner beyond just friends (kiss of death for guys, sorry). You see, it is not that I am against dating or having a guy pursue, I just do not have any, nor know of any that I am hoping will "come get/find me." I like my life just the way it is, single, difficult, busy, and (surprisingly) in DC. If God's will or plan is for me to find "the one" (I am not really sure I believe in that anyway), then I have total and complete confidence that God will work it out... and the guy will be perfect for me haha.. Meaning, he will have no bones about pursuing, and work to get/have me.... thus making me fall deeply and madly in love with him.... haha maybe someday... but not today, and likely not anytime soon.

So, whether you are single or you simply are worried about a single friend, let me encourage you to definitely be praying for the situation, but do not doubt God's plan and the perfectness of how it will all work out in the end. "Do not worry about tomorrow" including worry about the singleness of your loved ones (or yourself).

Trust God.

Fitting...

There are times that I just do not feel like I fit. Life has changed and is different than it has been (ever, but that sounds way more dramatic than it actually is). I feel almost as if there is no where that I fit right now, no where that is home, and no where that feels like "my place." I was thinking about it last night, and I am wondering if God is doing this so that He can close the doors and move me forward.. I hope so because I would gladly close these doors and move forward to what God has planned.

There is a part of me that is content to stop looking back and move forward, and a part of me that is frustrated at the same time. I am finding the typical responses that people try to use to "help" or "comfort" me to be trite and shallow, which has been leaving me incredibly frustrated instead. I have spent a decent amount of time praying about it, and feeling like maybe I needed to just change my attitude, but really I think it has more to do with the fact that the things people are using to encourage me are not authentic, they do not spur me forward or towards Christ, and instead tend to be a typical fake response.. or worse, encouragement or advice originating from a selfish place.. like "you should just move here/home" or "I can't wait to see who God has planned for you.." (which at this point seems more like a comment to make them feel better about being my single friend now having a significant other)..

Last weekend I was able to spend some time talking with my bff, and she brought up all the possible responses she could say that essentially "could be" true and authentic, but ultimately are not helpful or appropriate. Sometimes people say them from a perspective aimed at helping and encouraging, but instead they are said from a place of not understanding the heart of the issue is coming from so ultimately not helpful, but make the person feel better. Other times the comments are full of understanding and truth. My bff did an amazing job (as always) of understanding my heart behind what I was saying, and responding to what I meant deep down instead of what I was actually saying (one of many reasons I love and cherish her friendship in my life).

So, right now I am at a place of not really being sure what is up. I have no words to describe, and just find most common place "encouragement" frustrating and annoying because of the lack of understanding... Which, to be fair, how can they if I cannot put into words what I am feeling and what is going on... However, soon, things will be different and better.

Thankful Today...

Life is never easy.. Have you ever noticed or thought about that? I mean, even when "life is good" there is ALWAYS something either looming or partaking in what is going on right now.

Yet, somehow we in the midst of everything forget all the time how blessed we are..

One of my old youth leaders posted this on her facebook status and I got to thinking a lot about it,

"What if all you had today is what you thanked God for yesterday?"

Well, I determined I would always have food and my family.

I would often have food, family, friends, and my car.

Sometimes I would have food, family, friends, my car, sunshine, and the same day over (I sometimes literally just thank God for my day)... 

I hardly ever thank God for my money, my clothes, make-up, shoes, etc.. Not that I am unappreciative.. I just tend to be thankful for things that legitimately mean something to me or things that tend to be stressers in my life (aka my car).

So Lord, thank you, for my food, friends, family, car, house, job, clothes, money, shoes, breath, and every other ridiculously small thing in my life that I tend to overlook. I am so blessed even when I am stressed and in a piss-poor mood. Thank you that your blessings have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you.

Emotionally Exciting...

I am so tired right now.

I am really excited.

I am really stressed.

I am really busy.

I am really hopeful.

I am so thankful my God is here with me.

It has been such an amazingly draining couple of weeks, and the ride is not over yet. I love the adventure seeking that has been built into the very fibers of who I am, I enjoy that taking off into uncharted territory does not scare me, but instead brings me a sense of alive that I do not get from every day life. I love how much I know I am unaware of what is to come, and I am totally overwhelmed with every bit of emotion that I have been going through the last couple weeks. I am so thankful that even in the small things God is taking control and not letting me control what is to come.

My poor roomie has been crazy busy and working til way late, and here I am busy, tired and emotionally feeling less patient, kind, and loving then normal... She has been amazing through every bit of this. How will I do without her?.. I have no idea.

My other best friends are being fantastic.. and I am so not deserving of it.. and I do not even mean that in a humility showing kinda way.. I mean really, I have no way of ever showing them how much their patience and perseverance means to me right now.. Especially with my totally lacking patience... I am so sorry to them for that :/

I spent somewhere around 7 1/2 hours doing homework today.. I did not get everything accomplished I had wanted to, nor did I do as well on the test as I had wanted to.. But, I can successfully check another thing off my list of things to do... (Does my list ever actually get smaller?!)

Today, I have found my emotions being a bit off.. mostly in the internal dialogue of my level of patience... but a couple times it has become pretty clear I am sure to my friends (again I'm so sorry for the crazy that all of this is and my reaction to it all). But, parts of me have just felt.. off. Maybe due to stress.. maybe due to the fact that I am realizing how much I still have to do to leave so many of my loved ones here...

One thing is for certain, I had no idea how many people I have grown attached to in the 2 years I have been here, and I definitely had no idea so many people around me cared so much for me and love having me around... I am so blessed. Whatever God has next has to be pretty freakin spectacular to pull me away from this!.. I am so curious what it is!

I found out today one of my cousin's fiance died today. I do not really know any details, but I do know that he was a few years younger than me, and he and my cousin just had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago. Please remember to pray for her and my extended family... and that they seek after God in this time. I know what my savior can do, I just hope they look to Him to do it.

I had another exhausting yet necessary conversation with one of my best friends about our friendship. Both of us have been through a whole heck of a lot this year, and it has become apparent that our friendship has suffered in the line of fire of life. We are both very hopeful of the ability for our friendship to bounce back.. but man this couldn't come at worse timing. Both of us are tired, emotionally drained from everything else going on, and we are just now beginning to realize some of the issues that need resolving and healing and lots of prayer.. I am really glad God can do anything.. including solve, resolve, heal, and make new and stronger our friendship.

Tomorrow we sign the lease on our new house... (we being my new roomies and I). We are gonna start painting and moving in the rest of this week (Friday for me since it is about 3 1/2 hours away). I am so excited to be there and begin settling in... again... If only I did not have to worry about the rest of this class that ends Wednesday, and the next class (Economics) that begins Thursday... oh boy...

My car is currently "in the shop" which really means parked at my mechanic friend's house.. I am SO thankful for him and his ability to fix my car for almost always half what I am quoted elsewhere...

My little brother and I spent a while chatting and making each other laugh tonight... sharing youtube videos and random stories, I miss him, but definitely needed a bit of time with him, even if it was through facebook.

My army friend arrived in Hawaii where he is stationed until he deploys in April... (I am really glad I am going to get to see him around New years) I am so proud of all the hard work he has put in this year into achieving his goals and dreams (graduating ranger school and airborne school!).. Not to mention how totally humbling it is knowing he is doing all of this to protect all of us... and then to know God created him to do exactly this.. That's really an amazing thought.

I am really tired, excited, stressed, and probably every other emotion there is.. I am trying really very hard to make sure I am responding appropriately to things, and it is times like these where I can tell my emotions are getting the best of me that I am annoyed even more by it all!...

Thank goodness Jesus forgives and loves me still!

Random Splattering...

So, this is yet another gushing post haha

This past week or so has just been mass chaos. Beyond the insanity that has been work, I have painted 2 houses and moved.. Plus, I went to OH this past weekend for a wedding. Needless to say figuring out how to fit it all in and sleep has proven to be quite the challenge. But, come Friday when I was about to head out to Ohio, I was no where near done moving, and had gotten way less done then I had hoped I would get accomplished. My roomie was planning on moving over the weekend, and we had enlisted some friends to help move the washer and dryer, and a couple other friends had informed me not to worry about my stuff that they would move it... But, I still felt bad for not being there, and for the fact that they had to move my stuff.

Friday just before I left, the boy came over and hung out for a bit while I finished packing my stuff and the car, then so graciously helped the roomie move stuff (in INSANE humidity) from the old house to the new house... He got my 9 cube shelf up into my new loft.. which I was pretty sure was an impossible task, and that I would have to later at some point take it apart, cart it upstairs and re-assemble it. I was not looking forward to the task; but, he somehow (I still haven't figured out how) got it up into my room... I was SOOO excited when I found out :) haha you have no idea.

Saturday while I was busy playing catch up with old friends and getting things set up for the wedding, the boy spent his day fixing things for me, finishing the painting, put the light cover switch plates back on, organized the mass quantities of boxes that were all over my room, made my bed, and a whole assortment of other little things... And I had no idea.. none.

Sunday after the 8 hour drive home I was totally exhausted, and knew I had about an hour to nap before I had told friends I would show up to have dinner with them and other friends from out of town. After that, I was headed to see another friend who was in from out of town... When I got home, I made my way to my room and discovered everything that he had done. I sat on my bed grinning from ear to ear and giggling as I read the note explaining everything, then I sorta just sat there for a while and took it all in.. I was just totally stunned and had not expected it at all. I am pretty sure I looked ridiculous as I sat there grinning and soaking in all the hard work he had done.. which had to have taken a long time... I proceeded to gush to him about how awesome he is.. and he pretty much just laughed at me.. but, I am still pretty sure he has NO idea how big of a deal what he did was to me.

I think the thing that blows me away the most is how much he did not have to do any of the things he did, yet he chose to. I had not hinted at wanting him to, nor had I hoped he would.. It just simply was not on my radar as something to be aware of or think about. I had it all planned out in my head, how the timing would work out, and what the priority list was of things still needing to get done. I had anticipated everything and had planned accordingly (or so I thought)... The amount of stress that was lifted, and the level of appreciation that I have for everything he did really is almost impossible to explain. How he figures out all the perfect ways to help is beyond me. All I know is, I am so thankful for him and his thoughtfulness... all the time. :) Not to mention the friendship he offers me.. He listens to me vent and think out loud, and encourages and pushes me everyday. haha... He really is oblivious to all the ways he makes a difference to those around him, which is kinda cool to me.. But, I wish he could just for a moment see how big of a difference his mere presence is to those of us that he cares for. He has no idea, and I have no way of really communicating it to him. Once again, regardless of where Jesus leads us in the future, I am changed and grateful for who he is, and the fact that I get the chance to be friends with him. :)

Deflating...

So, I feel like the last 6 months have been one continuously growing stress ball...


Like every little thing was just adding more helium to my balloon, and I was getting dangerously close to exploding....

Then, slowly.. little by little I have watched the stress begin to fade, to deflate and dissipate. A whole slew of things are finally changing, such as getting into our new house, getting most of the painting done, some of the moving... Getting the major work projects done, or mostly completed.

The last couple days have been really great. I have gotten all kinds of things done, which always helps me feel better and more accomplished. I have gotten to practice martial arts again, allowing my body to be active and move in familiar patterns again... not to mention, I have gotten to talk about martial arts and allow my mind to dive deep into a topic I am so intimately acquainted with, which, that alone is a huge stress reliever. My roomie finally closed on the house and we began the mass exodus of painting and moving last night... Simply being able to be active and not in a holding pattern has proven to be a huge help for both her and I...

But, mostly, I have been laughing more. And, while I have continued to laugh, I have not laughed even a fraction of the amount that would be considered normal for me in the last several months. I have commented several times that laughter has this weird healing, relaxing, and restoring ability. I am not sure how or why God made laughter that way, but He has, and it is a great thing. What I do know is, I have been laughing a lot more the last few days, and it has been a great thing for me. Last night I laughed a lot while we were painting the new house... It may possibly have been aided by the paint fumes, but, I am ok if that is the case ;) We had SO much help last night, it was such a wonderful reminder of how our friends are simply amazing.. and dedicated people.. not to mention funny, it was just nice to laugh at funny sayings, inside jokes, voices, comments, hip checking the wall and losing, people singing along with the music... whatever it was. And, even though my painting partner for my bedroom was more entertaining then painting help, it was exactly what I needed.. to just laugh and be kept company.


So, the marathon that is the next week is not over, but I am finding the stress beginning to deflate. Thank you Jesus!

Function...

So, I love the weekends, usually they bring a much needed break from the pace of the weekend, I end up being able to get a lot of things done that I want to do, and usually I really enjoy whatever they bring.

This weekend I find myself fighting to not stress out over the things that I have to find a way to fit into this next week. Last night I was able to get a bunch of stuff done, and then finally watch a movie and just let myself relax.. not worry about tomorrow (which I know we are not supposed to do anyway), not stress about timing of things next week, not try and figure out how to fit every work project in this next week.. but just.. be, no agenda, no timeline, nothing.. just watch the movie and sit or lay on the couch.. whatever. It was wonderful.

Then today I woke up finally to people moving one of my roomies out, and although I was warned they were coming, I had not been sleeping well anyway and I still found myself annoyed. I had to work for a while today, and was even more annoyed when I found out it was really pointless and the hour drive and the "lunch" was not worth my weekend time, or the added stress to my weekend. Awesome. I feel bad because I left there to go spend some time with friends, which was good for a while, but as soon as we stopped doing anything and everyone started giving the "now what" vibes I began to grow ansi and all the stresses of the next week started creeping into my mind. All I could think about was how I did not feel well and I have a million things to get done this week... So, making probably a poor choice I decided to leave.. in part so I could get some stuff done, but also in part because I did not want my mood to transfer to anyone else.

First order of business when I got home was a nap to hopefully aid in feeling better... Now, on to getting things done to hopefully help ease some of the stress of the next week!... Ugh I need Jesus and hugs this week...

Headlong...

"The wise woman builds her house,
         But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." - Proverbs 14:1


Sometimes.. or a lot of times I feel like the foolish woman it is talking about. I always talk about trying to be patient, graceful, loving, understanding, compassionate.. whatever.. but the reality is I am still a fool and I fail constantly... It is rather aggravating. I am impatient, and I tend towards not understanding or being compassionate. I am easily excitable and prone to exaggerate. One of my wonderful friend's comments last night was, "Well.. you tend towards throwing the baby out with the bath water..." ... And, she is right... and I hate that she's right.


It never ceases to amaze me how much I can have something figured out, and then totally get thrown for a loop. I can have conversations figured out in my head, I can know exactly how someone will respond, and I can have my mind made up... and then.. oh wait, I have no clue how to respond, because the conversation I thought would take place in my head... does not even come close to what actually takes place.


Last night, I was praying and sorta allowing Jesus to sift through the mass quantities of emotions that I am not used to having overwhelm me. I attempted to just sit there and let Him seep into my heart and mind, but I could not get myself to calm down on the inside. The biggest problem was, I have spent most of this week dealing with self imposed emotions because I decided to be impatient and not actually find out what was going on.. I just made a decision based on a fraction of the information, and the sad part is, I knew I probably did not have all of the information... Sometimes my stubbornness drives even me crazy.. I know better then to assume I have all the information, much less to make a decision about what I think about everything knowing I do not have all the information.


After talking to a couple people last night I was able to resolve some of the hundred thousand things adding stress into my life currently, and I found myself standing in the middle of the disaster that is my room.. and just incredibly humbled at the level of patience those around me have for my stupidity... I am so insanely blessed by how often those around me really keep me from plowing head long into trouble, and then, how patient and compassionate they are with the repercussions or the emotions that inevitably follow whatever my latest blunder has been. This feeling then of course began to seep its way into my journaling and praying to Jesus... I am just amazed at how much He chooses to care about me, and how often I am just retarded in my actions and choices, yet He patiently finds and returns me to Him every time. 


Nights like last night are really good and humbling for me because it reminds me how much I am just not "there" yet.. How much more I have to improve and how much further I have to go, and how much more graceful and quick to forgive and be patient with others I need to be.


Now, onto being patient and forgetting how stressed out I am about everything else going on...