Jul 31, 2011

God is Love...

Today we concluded our God Anthology series at my church... Again.. as if on cue, "I LOVE MY CHURCH" seriously. This Wednesday is our live recording of the original music that was written for this series. I am SO excited about it, and cannot wait to go!

Today Heather talked about God is Love. She pointed out that this is the favorite topic of Christians.. and also the most misunderstood. She talked about how complicated love is, and how when we site 1 Corinthians 13:

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

We tend to say these at weddings and in a moment when we need to be "reminded" of what love "is" but that we often don't think about the context in which this was said. This was said to a culture that in order to worship Aphrodite in the temples, the men would sleep with the priestess's that were essentially slaves of the temple. It was very selfish, controlling, degrading, and common. So, to actually say or recite ANY part of the "love" chapter in the Bible, it only makes sense to say it within the context of who it was being said to and why.. and to point out just how counter culture and different from the "norm" it was.

I could not help but think about how often Christians are so quick to judge, forgetting that we will be judged according to how we judged. Meaning, the same standards will be held to us as we held to others...

“But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left.
   “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
  “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” - Matthew 25:31-46

It really is all about love.. even in the most obscure little ways.. Love matters. 

Jul 30, 2011

Tattoo Memories...

So as odd as it sounds.. One of my favorite things about being in a bathing suit all summer is being able to see my tattoo. I find myself tracing my finger over the design over and over, which is such a familiar pattern on my skin since I've done it so many times.. And it reminds me repeatedly why I got it in the first place..

And Then There Was One...

Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about what life is like now compared to what it was like a year ago... compared to what it "will" (as if I know for sure) be like in a year. As if anyone knows.. much less me, but especially when I drive I find myself just pondering.. mulling over random things.. mostly just about tid bits of life.

Today's random smattering of thoughts were all over the place, but one thing I keep coming back to is how different next summer will be compared to this one. Not because I actually know what is coming or what to expect, but because if certain aspects of life now continue down the path they are on, life will be dramatically different. Not bad or good, but just different.

For one, I am pretty confident I will not be at my current job.. I will be almost done with school.. I may or may not still be living in DC (which depending on the day makes me happy or sad).. And, many of my single friends will not be single anymore or much longer... Which brings me to one passing thought.. "And then there was one.." Sounds depressing, and if I think about it, really only the selfish side of me causes that to be depressing... The reason is most all of my girl friends either have found someone and are married already, are mid relationship closely heading to marriage, or are entering into something new... Now, don't get me wrong, I have prayed for each one of these girls to find a guy before me.. because I know that twinge of a feeling that "when will it be my turn..." feeling that comes when girlfriends find a guy, get engaged, and get married. No matter how happy you are for them, (even if only for .02 seconds) there is a moment when a girl thinks "God, when can it be my turn to find love?" The answer?.. I dunno.. God hasn't told me his answer to my question... Which, honestly I don't want to know... I have a tendency to screw things up when I get clued in... So, blind and in the dark works for me no matter how frustrating and aggravating it is.

Recently a couple of my besties have entered in and begun walking down the "see where this goes" path. I have prayed it for them fervently.. Mostly because they get truly lonely and I can see the honest and literal pain that they believe to be deeply hidden. I have watched them struggle very deeply with the idea that maybe it will never come... and what if God has single hood planned for them.. can they be truly happy when all they want is a husband and a family?.. I have watched them struggle to find genuine happiness for our closest girlfriends and their journey to becoming one with a charming and amazing man that is perfect for them. Because of these reasons, and so.. so many more I have been praying for my girlfriends to find amazing men of God who look at them and see the beauty that is just as obvious inside as it is outside... A man who will fight for her.. even if that fight is with himself. I have prayed for a man who will pursue her and draw her closer to the Lord... All the while knowing that at one time or another I will instead feel those feelings of "when will it be my turn?" while they walk down their paths... And, since a few of them have begun to walk down this path, my passing though recently is "and then there was one..." But, it is quickly followed with "...as it should be." .. because God cannot answer my prayers for them without this being the situation I find myself in. So, it makes sense.

And, as always, while a small part of me wants to find "the one" and live my "fairytale" (haha).. I am not there, and KNOW I am not there yet or right now.. And, to be completely and totally honest, I am not real sure I will be there anytime soon... Which is good cause I have a lot of work and school to finish and learn about.. Not to mention God and I are going through some pretty major foundation and structure changes in my heart, and a guy would really only mess that up, get in the way, or distract me from paying attention right now.

So, as always, there is a part of me, my human fleshly side that dislikes the situation I find myself in, but then I remember my goals and true desires are to see my friends happy.. Sounds cheesey and cornballish.. but honestly, it makes my life and the challenges and frustrations so much easier to endure when my friends are truly happy. Plus, I decided years ago there were certain people in my life (including the ones that would reach a certain place in my life in the future) that I just could not stand the thought of my life causing them a twinge of pain, jealousy, hurt, frustration, or loneliness due to me finding a guy and getting married.. I realize this is slightly odd.. and taken too far (especially with the number of people I know and meet every year) it could easily lead to me "being single forever".. However, I figure, regardless of my prayers God is in control, not my prayers.. and if I am single forever... I haven't regretted any of it so far, so I have no reason to believe I will start regretting at some point in the future.

Besides.. prayer for my friends is all I know how to do to help the pain and burdens I see buried so deep in their hearts. If feeling like "and then there was one" is what I have to "feel" for a moment because they are finding contentment for their burdens.. they I will pray.. continuously.

Jul 29, 2011

Inappropriate...

Today we had an "all hands on deck" cleaning day to get the office ready for a governance retreat... And, sadly lots of things were still in boxes from moving the headquarters a year ago from Chicago to DC... So, we commenced in throwing things out that are not needed, and putting things away in the newly received filing cabinets. From my department, while there are technically eight of us, only four of us are local, and the other four are remote.. So, all of the work fell on three of us... and let me tell you.. lots and lots of files and old pictures. Half of which I am not convinced actually belong to our organization.. cause they made no sense why we would have them.

Anyway, in the midst of cleaning and going through things, I came across a couple cards, of which I opened to see if they were the type that should be kept or thrown out... Only to discover they were love letters to one of my remote co-workers... Why they were sent to headquarters in the boxes for them I have no idea.. and why this individual who is involved as a volunteer is writing love letters to my co-worker.. with incredible effort to "get away" with it and not be discovered by the other staff... Then, for my co-worker to keep them and not throw them away.. incredibly arrogant and totally inappropriate. If my co-worker were not out for the next couple months due to breaking both ankles from getting hit by a car I would feel compelled to bring it up and gently (or not so much) let them know how totally uncalled for and disappointing it is to find this kind of stuff.... Although, to be honest, given their behavior towards me at our national convention I am not totally surprised.. More appalled at the arrogance and immorality combined.

Totally. Inappropriate... and disgusting.

Jul 28, 2011

Beastly...

Last night I watched the movie Beastly (cheesy teeny-bopper chick flick), and it was a modern re-telling spin of Beauty and the Beast. It was cute, and had interesting points, some very comical points which were only caught if you paid attention to mannerisms and one liners. I definitely enjoyed it, and was satisfied with how they re-told the story, but added their own spin...

However, the ending (like all chick flicks) had a quick, too rushed resolution which left you feeling slightly off.. Yet even still, a couple things I appreciated about the film..

The entire thing was about how beauty really comes from the inside, and has nothing to do with the outside. It pointed out how we change ourselves to be attractive to someone else, even if that includes being "really mean" to keep someone's attention... We sometimes try to buy their affection, and other times we try to persuade them that we are actually more intellectual and interesting than we know how to be... But, when push comes to shove, the thing that draws people to us is.. us. Who we are on the inside, those moments we can't control, and the glimpse we have no idea we have let slip out of our perfectly disguised picture of who we are, the moments when we act out of a selflessness for the other person, the love we show that is unconditional and without strings... those are the things that draw people to us, and what draws us to other people. It is not about the portrayal of perfect or having it all together, it is about love and acceptance regardless. True love is so much more powerful than we give it credit for... No one is actually looking for perfect regardless of what they think they want.

So, while this movie was totally cheesey, and entertaining for a mid-week couch and movie night, I appreciated the odd reminder from an obscure source that we are meant to be more than our outward appearance, we are meant to be more inside... And, because it is what I do, here's a little reminder...

" If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13

Jul 26, 2011

Discomfort...

The fact of life today that sprung out of my biggest annoyance with people right now..

Fact of Life #300: We grow the most in moments when we are the most uncomfortable, so we shouldn't run from discomfort.

Jul 25, 2011

Just Say It...

Why are we afraid to say something is wrong or right?

I do not understand the aversion to stating opinions.. And why is it that most of the people who do state their opinions do so in a horrible, terrible, no good, offensive manner?.. I don't know.

But, what I do know is people who cannot say something is right or wrong aggravate the snot out of me. I get that sometimes the answer simply is "I don't know" but really.. most of the time YOU DO KNOW, but are too afraid to actually state what you believe. If you do say what you believe to be right or wrong, then what happens is if you genuinely DON'T know.. there is actual credence to that statement because it is an admittance of a lack of knowledge and actually takes a decent amount of humility to admit.

Going through life in a perpetual state of grays is going through life in a perpetual state of mediocrity.

Now, I am not saying that it is EVER ok to be belligerent with what you say... The greatest commandment after all IS love... SO.. in light of that, there is wisdom in timing, wording, silence, etc.. I get that, and advocate for that.. But, in a situation where it is not the time or place to state what you believe.. Just SAY that "Now is not the time for this talk.. I would feel more comfortable talking about this later.." or simply "I prefer not to talk about it right now.." nothing mean or rude about that.. but there is always a time and place to actually say (in a loving, mature, and respectful way) beliefs. There is nothing wrong with stating what you do and don't believe, the issues always come in with the manner in which it's communicated.

So, for goodness sake, learn to or force yourself to step out and cultivate the art of lovingly and respectfully stating your beliefs. It gives you and those around you a chance to sharpen their mental aptitude, learn something, and maybe even gain a new perspective!

Jul 24, 2011

Emotional Release...

I had a fantastic weekend.. literally jam packed with girlfriends starting on Thursday evening. I really love my girls, they are just so much fun. Lots of character, personality, humor, intelligence, wit, etc..etc.. They are never ending entertainment.. and people that I can sit next to silently for hours. They are wonderful... And always bring out the best in me or help me remember the things about life I love the most.. I am pretty sure I laughed more this weekend than I have in a long time, and I am so grateful for the times we had....

But, (maybe I am the only one..) I always feel a slight depressing let down when weekends like this come to an end. Maybe because they are leaving and life must resume as normal.. maybe because I am just plain tired, or maybe because it is easier to forget and be distracted while they are around rather than be an adult and deal with things that are challenging... Or.. D) all of the above.

This morning at church we talked about the Jealousy of God... I am pretty sure I say this every week... But, not to be forgetful, I love my church. The leadership is just amazing, they have purposeful vision, and they are intentional about the messages they teach. I mean intentional in the way of they want to grow the congregation, beyond where they were last week, month, message series, year etc.. They are purposeful about their dreams, visions, prayer, and understanding.. yet so incredibly humble and earnestly seeking Christ in the midst of all of it. I am so blessed. When I move from DC (whenever that will be) I will mourn leaving the community, church, body of Christ that is National Community Church... I am unbelievably thankful that this has been my light in the midst of the hard and craptastic year that I have had. Ironically this is also the LEAST involved I have been in my church in.... more then 10 years. Which I find ironic that I have these emotions and connection considering everything.. I will take it though!

I am finding that the more I think about it, the more I get slightly anxious, yet totally calm and content about the prospects of the next few months, and the chances of life changing dramatically as is. Not just in my life, but the lives of several of my friends... I have a very strong feeling that life will not even look the same in a year... or even 6 months. I am anxious and excited all at the same time.

Lord, bring it on, and be my strength walking me through it please!

Jul 23, 2011

Jul 22, 2011

Inspirationless...

I have a weird dichotomy type situation I find myself in. Part of me really desires to get out of my job, situation, city, etc.. and go elsewhere cause "surely life would be better".... can anyone say "greener grass illness"?!.. Then another part of me does not want to give up my church, move again, go through the hassles that inherently come with moving.. including car/address/information/bill etc.. change over.. not to mention packing and pulling my life into upheaval again (for the 6th time in 3 years). I finally have been able to have some fun or relaxing times here in DC.. so I am a little leery to give (what feels like) the fragile state of my slowly growing contentment up. Then, part of me really desires to love what I am doing again.. to feel the daily satisfaction that what I am doing means something... or simply enjoy who I am working for again (weird how quickly we take that kinda stuff for granted...). I was asked a couple weeks ago if I could go anywhere.. where would I go?.. Atlanta. For a few reasons, which include the fact that I love Atlanta, it's further south (hurray nicer winters), and my bff and her husband live there... But, there's a part of me that just feels pulled there, and in all honesty I TRIED getting a job there a year ago when I was looking for new jobs.

So, in light of all of this, I feel a total lack of inspiration. No motivation to look for jobs, and when I have they all look hallow and like a slow torturous job, no matter how cool the job description seems. I cannot figure out if this is God's way of telling me to hold off in looking.. or if it is his way of steering me to a specific job that "pops" to me.

Oh Lord give me guidance, speak to me.

Jul 20, 2011

Party Planning...

I'm beginning to plan my parent's 30th Anniversary party.. couple thoughts from the day..

As I was going through my facebook friends list for people to invite.. I kept thinking "They should know my parents too!" I was so amazed at how many people I FEEL like know or should know my parents, and do via stories and things (and vice versa).. but I was sad that so many of my almost 1500 friends don't know my parents personally!

Also, I AM SO EXCITED about this party.. Mainly because my parents enjoy going to parties and things, but are not often excited or inspired to have a huge party.. especially one focused on them.. So, the fact that this is what they want to do to celebrate is AWESOME!

I can't wait to see everyone. It will be epic!
:)

Jul 19, 2011

Live Cuban Band...

Headed to salsa to a live Cuban Band... And break in my new shoes from Burju Shoes!

Yes I Am...

Sometimes I forget how unusual things in my life are until I talk to someone else and get the chance to see myself and my life from someone else's eyes. Before I get too far into this thought... A couple perspective setting verses.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies" - 1 Cor. 6: 19-20

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife." - 1 Cor. 7:3-5

So, here we plunge...

Yes, I am still a virgin. I know this is an odd thing to blog about, and to some I am sure it is even a little crude, but I have a specific purpose behind what I am doing.. And, I am walking through this explanation because I am not my own. I was bought with a price, and no one gains further insight into purity and God gains no glory by my silence. Not to mention my silence could possibly be construed as embarrassment or shame in the fact that I have not had sex yet at 26 (and a half) years of age... Which is simply not where my perspective is...

My relationship with Christ and my virginity are probably the two most intensely personal things in my life. However, neither of them were ever meant to be private, meaning I have no shame, embarrassment, or problem talking about them. So then, why bring it up and open the discussion? Couple reasons, most of which stem from 4-5 different people who have asked or brought it up in conversation in the last month. I was relaying to my mom yesterday that I never anticipated my introduction being along the lines of "Hi, I'm Krista, I work in Communications, I'm in Grad school, I'm a virgin, I just moved to DC, I love salsa dancing, I love Jesus...." Haha.. Who knew.

So, without further ado.. Let's talk about this.

These are the answers that I have been giving to the common questions that apparently are perplexing to the masses (ironically Christians AND non-Christians alike)...
  • Yes, I have kissed a guy (3 to be exact).
  • No, I am not a virgin by accident (I don't even know what that means.."by accident"..).
  • No, it doesn't bother me that I'm 26 and have never had sex.
  • I plan on waiting until I'm married. Period. However, if that "never happens" it's no skin off my back, and I am perfectly fine with that.
  • I refuse to exchange sex for a false sense of security and companionship... 
  • No, I am not afraid of "being alone."
  • My need for Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, and Mental compatibility outweigh my desire to satisfy my "sexual desires."
  • Just because I am a virgin does not mean I don't know what a sexual drive is... I just control it.
  • No, it's not unhealthy to control it... 
  • I control it because giving in to it leads to a fake mere shadow of what it was meant for, which leads to loneliness, which leads to depression, which leads to mediocrity in more areas of life that could have otherwise been avoided.
  • Yes, some day I do want to have sex... with one man.. my husband.
  • I actually find a lot of comfort knowing he will be "the only one."
  • No, I am not worried about compatibility.
  • Yes, I will marry a man who is not a virgin if that is who I fall in love with...
  • No, I don't take it personally, he didn't do it TO me. 
  • If he slept with another girl(s) before he became a Christian, then he has been forgiven and restored in the eyes of God, if it happened after he became a Christian, then he has been forgiven and restored in the eyes of God.. Either scenario would require us to just talk about it... Like we will everything else.
  • Regardless of his past, it is primarily between him and Jesus, I am the bystander, not the victim.
  • No, it doesn't bother me to talk about the fact that I am still a virgin, and no the questions aren't too private.
  • Yes, I will and have talked about it with my parents..
  • No, it's not awkward... Their raising and parenting play a huge role in the reason I am and believe the way I do. I see no need to be awkward or embarrassed about that.
  • I am well aware that it is shocking I'm still a virgin for multiple reasons.. including the fact that I have tattoos, piercings, salsa dance, dye my hair, drink alcohol, and seem to be "normal" in most socially acceptable ways.. I am totally ok with the paradox that is blowing your mind.

I am open about this because hiding it does no one any good. I have not bought nor paid the price for my virginity, and therefore it is not mine to give away. This aspect of who I am is Christ's, just like my heart and soul. When I get married (as my friends so awesomely described it last weekend) it will be a Jesus giving me to my husband, and my husband to me kinda thing, because it is Christ alone who has paid for us. So, in light of this, my silence on the matter only saves me a potentially awkward conversation (or many conversations).. but my voice gives God the glory and credit for the place I find myself today. And, if my story gives someone hope, encouragement, or causes them to curiously seek my Savior... Then I absolutely must share my story.

To God be the glory... Even in my talking about my virginity.

Jul 17, 2011

Recent Thoughts...

I have a lot of random thoughts lately.. but I have not thought through them enough to detail them out.. so, here is the snippet list version...

There IS a right and a wrong.
Monogamy, polygamy, and poly-amorous are not even close to the same things.
The beach does amazing things for stress.
Hugs make life better.
One person can honestly make or break a day.
The God Anthology is a kick-butt sermon series.
I know what God is doing in this period of my life.
I might actually like school this next 8 weeks.
My brother and Sister in law will be home from Africa in less than 24 hours.
I go home in 3 weeks.
God surprises me with opportunities sometimes.
I love watching friends' life changing stories.
I miss some of my friends a whole heck of a lot.
I hate how little I have traveled outside of the country lately.
Preparing for the future sucks most of the time.
I will choose singlehood over mediocrity every time.
Despite it all I see God working.
The sun does amazing things.
I am never lonely enough to settle.
Putting my big girl panties on is essential on a daily basis.
I know that some of my problems are really just childish.
I have amazing friends.
I am blessed even in the bitterness of night... And know it.
I will love you even if you are wrong.
I have to choose to love someone else and their needs over my preferences.
Everything has a time... This too will pass.
I never take for granted those who understand me.
God makes everything beautiful in it's time.

Someday it will all make perfect beautiful sense.

Jul 16, 2011

Rohoboth Beach

The day at the beach.. So needed and wonderful. Sun, sand, water, snacks, and a good book! Bliss...

Jul 14, 2011

Marketing Management...

Well, I did it.. I finished and passed my Stats class!!.. Praise the Lord Jesus for that one! I feel like it was the longest 8 weeks ever, but that was probably aided by the fact that I had 40 million other things going on and the annoyance of homework just never seemed to go away in the midst of all of the other plans.

Now.. I am firmly 1/3 of the way through the class and on to Marketing Management. PLUS one of my classmates from a previous class switched her classes around so she will be in this class with me. And, I am hoping that I will at least understand this material (please please please) since this is sorta my undergrad degree.. and my 7 years experience. I am hoping to learn new things, but comprehend the information. I can handle the long hours put in.. if I am at least understanding what I am reading.

So, off to another 8 week race to complete yet another class!.. Whew this gets tiring!

Jul 13, 2011

STOP...

Yesterday started out like any other day.. 7am wake up.. get dressed.. do my hair and makeup.. gather my things and head off to work.. arrive a little early and go through my typical morning work routine.. Which includes reading (really browsing) all the major news networks, catching up on emails, and creating my list of to-dos for the day. We had a department meeting (which I was a lot bit apprehensive about)... and in that meeting I began to feel HORRIBLE.

You know, that sudden hot flashes and sweats that have you convinced you're going to throw up... So, I began praying I would at least make it through the meeting, and thankfully I did. Fairly promptly after the meeting I told my supervisor I was leaving cause I did not feel well, and headed to my car with the windows up (what?!) and my air conditioning blasting (uh oh.. now we know it's a problem).. I made it home, stripped off my work clothes and plunged in bed to lay there an concentrate on not puking, and falling asleep instead. Which, as long as I did not move at all the nausea was not too horrible. I proceeded to sleep for about two hours before I woke up realizing I was going to be re-visiting what little I had eaten that day (a peach and chocolate covered espresso beans about 6 hours prior). I proceeded to do a first, after puking and cleaning it up (where's mom like when you're a kid?!), I laid on the bathroom floor. I have never done that.. ever (that I can remember). But, it seemed like a must for the time, plus the floor was cool. Once I felt like the nausea had passed, I gathered up essentials in case it returned and headed back to bed for more sleep..

All in all I slept from about noon until 7pm (with minor wake up breaks), was up a couple hours, and headed back to bed for some more achy sleep until 7am when I decided I still did not feel up for heading to work, arranged to stay home.. and fell back asleep until noon. Whoa. Apparently I was really toasted.

Today I have had toast, a popsicle, and about 10oz of gingerale.. So far so good.

One of my roomie's who is a nurse listened to my symptoms and informed me that it just sounds like my body was done and forced me to quit and rest... She pointed out how much I have been going in the last 6 weeks, and said it sounded like my body just needed a break.. So, in an effort to give it a break, I have stayed on the couch pretty much all day toodling around online and getting the last bit of my homework done (before I can be done with this class forever!).

So, apparently today is my forced STOP day...

Jul 11, 2011

When I Don't Even Know...

There are times when I really just don't even know.. I don't get it.. I don't understand.. and I just get really frustrated.

Today was one of those days... Well, really I have been thinking a lot about stuff lately, and I began talking about some of it with one of my besties last night.. which usually causes me to mull for a bit and become very introspective.

Most of my thoughts are more of the same.. Meaning, a lot of thought about work, school, and the life I have currently. My biggest overall frustration is my lack of direction.. I begin to feel like I am floundering around in the deep end of the pool and not getting anywhere, and really just focusing on getting my head above water long enough to get a breath of air. Which. I. Hate. (not the breath of fresh air.. the fact that THAT becomes my goal)... I really dislike when I do not feel like I have a direction or goal in life. I feel as though I am learning a lot right now, but more in the immeasurable ways. I feel as though everything I am learning really has more to do with the small far corners of my mind and heart, building up the patience (oh joy) and tolerance (again oh joy) in ways that only come into handy when you are in the heat of a moment later... at which point you become incredibly thankful for the time you did not really like or want to go through..

All this to say, one day I will be blogging about how thankful I am to have gone through this desert... But today I am just really frustrated at the lack of direction in my life.

Jul 9, 2011

Saturdays...

Today is going to be a great day.. (minus the fact that I was up at 7am to let our landlord into the house to do some minor repairs...)

A few of my besties are coming into town today, all because they are traveling elsewhere and I happen to be in DC and the best place for a crashpad!.. However, I will take any excuse to hang with them! So, our time will be awesome and lots of fun I am sure :)

Also, while I have a lot of laundry, homework, cleaning, and normal daily stuff to do that I have been putting off, I am content that it is finally the weekend. Especially Saturday. For some reason Saturday is always the breathe deep day for me. The day that allows me to put behind me the craptastic work week I just had, and look forward to church and another day "off." Saturdays are the days that just make life ok again.

Jul 8, 2011

All Sizes...

Found a store in Georgetown that has a wide variety of TOMS and in all sizes too!

Jul 7, 2011

Facts of Life 200's...

I posted a while ago the Facts of Life 300's.. Which was not and still is not complete, since this is a long forming process of coming up with the Facts of Life. In case you are new to this.. these are facts I randomly number and randomly post on my facebook status. I have been doing it for about two years (so clearly a slow process) and eventually I will turn them along with some of my pictures into a coffee table book. Some of them are serious, while others are just funny.

So, without further ado.. Facts of Life 200's (so far):

Fact of Life #200: A community of people, who love Jesus dearly and show it, can make all the difference in your life.

Fact of Life #202: Fridays never get old.


Fact of life #204: Lack of sleep and days of cloudy rainy weather kills motivation.
 Fact of Life #208: We cannot praise God in the times of blessings and then turn around and curse him during times of trouble.

Fact of Life #210: Being straight forward is the better way to communicate.
Fact of Life #249: Life can't get much better than laughing and talking about life with best friends.
Fact of Life #273: Love is sorta the opposite of the definition of insanity... We DO keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results..and suddenly one time the results are different!

Fact of Life # 276: Without proper Jesus time, life becomes tiring.

Fact of life #288: The more you focus on yourself the more depressing the world seems.

Jul 6, 2011

Fasting...

So.. today I fasted until sundown. Which is not a substantial fast in my book, but it is the first one I have ever done (whoa)...

This morning I just woke up feeling I needed more of Jesus.. but totally lost as to how, why, when etc.. I have begun listening to the Bible on my ipod on the way into work, and while I love it, that just was not enough today. So, I decided that I just really needed to connect more, and fasting was the first thing that came to mind.

So, all day long every time I thought about food or felt hungry I prayed about my life, things I was thinking, feeling, frustrated by.. but I mostly just prayed about God and I...

It is no mystery that I dislike the way my life is right now.. there's a whole lot of stress, and not a lot of redeeming things to "bring me back" to center or content. There are glimpses of possible relief, but I am going on a solid year in a half or so of life just being very stressful and rough, from all directions. Today I realized I am literally just tired. The type of tired that does not get fixed by a nap or a day in the sun.. It does not get fixed by a weekend of nothing.. It is like my tired is a constant state at my core. It is not really a circumstantial thing, like last weekend I LOVED and cherished every moment I was with my friends and all the laughter, but that is not what I need to fix this... I recognized today that as always, I literally need Jesus to fix this.

So, today in the midst of all of this I also realized I do not have any plan or anything I "would like to do" ... I am mostly just focused on surviving work and school.. And regaining the drive to work out that I lost time for over the last month.

I have so many friends traveling, getting married, having kids, etc.. and it is not that "I want what they have," it is that they seem to have a path and a direction to follow, and I feel completely lacking any purpose or direction. I feel like I am stuck for an uncertain amount of time (although November still feels like the end of the "I'll try it for a year" feeling I had at the beginning of all of this DC stuff...), but I have no idea of where or how I will do whatever is next.. And, for some reason being in the situation I am here I feel more stuck than temporarily here... It is a little weird for me to feel stuck.

Right now, I keep trying to remind myself that this season is about learning... closing my mouth and just learning.. Learn what to do, what not to do, best practices, loving unconditionally etc.... But, man am I not a fan of this season.

Lord, I need some serious guidance and direction. I am content today, but not content to stay here. I feel lost and without direction. I have no words, but you know what I need...

Jul 5, 2011

I Love...

A few of the things I was reminded of this weekend..

I love laughing and joking around with people.. Seriously, it is one of my favorite things, especially when it is purely for fun with no hidden cut you down agenda.

I LOVE hugs.. I am pretty sure I say this every fourth blog.. But, I do. They just make my day better.. And, I got a whole heck of a lot of hugs this weekend.. Seriously.. LOTS!

I love weddings (although I admittedly am a little weddinged out).

I love dancing.. With music everyone can hear... or just the music in my head. I love moving around and being ridiculous and just laughing through my whacked out sense of rhythm.

I really love getting to know new people. I enjoy learning about them, what their thoughts are, what makes them tick, and what they are passionate about.

I love having my hair done and did.. haha I just feel better :)

I love the water.. (and the sun) even if that means driving a jetski for hours on end to avoid anyone else getting on and potentially getting a ticket ;)

I love my friends.. all of them.... old, new, older, younger.. they are just wonderful people... and somehow I always feel so special and distinctly cared about when I am around my friends.

I love when people use my full name instead of just my first, not many people do it, but the ones that do always are full of such life, energy, and humor.. And usually they say my name a ridiculous number of times for effect...

I love watching people's reactions to my ridiculousness.. and my total and utter lack of self-consciousness... The array of facial expressions I see while I am the one who is actually making a fool of myself in front of people provides endless amounts of amusement for me...

I love when people feel close enough to me to clue me into their first impressions of me... like this weekend when I was informed the first impression someone had of me about a year in a half ago was that I was very shy and incredibly reserved... Which turned into quite the amusing conversation about the first time we met and why I did not talk much... and how different his perspective of me is now.

I love sleep.... but never seem to get very much of it!

I love how blessed I am... Even when life is rough.. I am so blessed.. even when I don't deserve it, I am so blessed... and weekends like this past one just remind me of how amazing God is, and how much He knows exactly what I need when..