I got the chance to talk today to a friend who is so very dear to me. She is the youthpastor at the church me and my family attend back home.. plus, she is the sister of my sister in law.. so we have connections in several different places. :) She is just one of those people that is just such a joy to talk to and be friends with. I loved being one of the youth leaders with her as our leader... we just worked so well together, it was great! Anyway, as we were talking and catching each other up on life and various things God was doing in our lives, I assumed the next question she would be asking was the same that everyone else seems to ask "is there a boy?" So, I answered her question.. before she asked it.. and she just laughed at me and said she actually had not even thought of that question, but we talked about it and how I am feeling about it... which lead to my thoughts..
So many people put this big weight on "finding someone," and while I want to some day find someone and get married and serve together and have a family, I am also certain now's not that time. I am content and happy with where things are in my life. I honestly am not sure I could fit more into my schedule.. either more stress or a relationship. I also feel like there are sooo many things I seriously need to still work on, that adding a relationship right now would really just be a big mistake. As in, I would suck it up and hurt him, hurt myself, and probably hurt those around me because of having to then deal with the issues created. It is just not worth it for an "idea" of what I want in the future. I mean someday, and whether that's someday sooner than I anticipate or whether it's still a long way off, someday God will finally bring the relationship into fruition, but until then I have work to do.. and I pray for the work he has to do. And, let me be clear.. I am not saying this in order for people to respond with "you always find who you're meant to be with when you're not looking. *wink wink*" (gag me) My feeling is not a false sense of, "maybe if I make myself feel and say certain things I can trick God into sending him my way." lol No, not at all. I have discovered trying to trick God doesn't work so well.
In the process of me trying to.. well process this out, I was talking with one of my friends and we were talking about how so many people seem to adopt this idea that they "so badly need someone" that they forget the actual WHY behind God creating relationships in the first place... God made us to "become one" to BETTER serve and glorify Him and His name. So then, why try setting boundaries so close to the line that it is easy to stumble over? If your goal is to glorify Him from the very beginning with your relationship, setting your boundaries so that it is easy to mess up does the polar opposite. Then, the whole purpose of glorifying and being better with someone than alone becomes null and void. If my goal is to see how close I can get without crossing any lines, my focus has suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) been dramatically shifted in the wrong direction. Ever step of it should be "how can WE better glorify Him TOGETHER"... which then all the boundaries become clear (or at least to me they do).. They become pure.
At this point in my life, and who knows how long it will last, I just feel like I do not need to focus on "a relationship." Which much to my joy and many thanks to God, there is no one making that a difficult feeling. Currently, I have so many flaws I am trying to work on and get through, that I just would botch up any attempt at anything more than just friends with a boy. I have to focus enough on relationships with family and friends that pursuing more just honestly seems overwhelming at this point. As though it would be the straw that broke the camel's back if I attempted more.
I could go on and on for pages I think if I tried describing all the places I feel like God is asking or in some cases making me grow. Some areas are I feel really big, and others are simply fine tuning... But, regardless the growth needs to be my focus right now so I don't miss it. And, I don't mean to sound like I can thwart God's plan for my life, just that if He's speaking it into my life, I want to make sure I am trying my hardest to listen to Him regardless of the volume at which He's speaking to me. I want to be found faithful to my Savior.