I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.
I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..
What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.
There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.
Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.
I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.