Sacrificial Love...

It has been a very difficult few weeks. I finally had a normal two days off (woot!)... And then, I literally slept both days away. Friday I took a six hour nap, and then Friday night I went to bed at midnight, and woke up at noon on Saturday... with a 10 minutes break in the middle to take my puppy outside.. I felt SO much better, but was rather annoyed at how much time I had wasted.

However, if the sheer amount of time I spent sleeping is not a perfect indication of the level of exhaustion I was feeling, I am not sure what would be... Except for now, I have not been able to accomplish the things on my to-do list that I needed to. Dang it.

I came into this job knowing that it would be hard. I knew I was called to be here for such a time as this, and I was prepared; or so I thought. I realize that I often have the "I can handle it" type attitude towards most things, I also know that I am not often one to express the heartfelt emotions deep down. I mean, I will tell others how I feel, but I do not often actually allow the intimate close feelings to show... That is really vulnerable. So, for whatever reason I will talk about it without expressing it.

And then, I listened to my dad talking about a moment years ago when he was in the beginning stages of losing it as we learned that his mom (grandma) had died. He explained how he felt, and how things began to crumble... and he glanced sideways and saw 16 year old me as I lost it, and he instantly sealed his feelings and emotions away knowing I needed him. -- He said it took a couple months before the seal broke and he dealt with his own grief. But, I was amazed because I remember those few moments vividly; it has been almost 12 years since then.

Sometimes I think about that morning from time to time without much more than a faint recognition of the scar that once was; and yet somehow, when I was listening to my dad talk about how he felt, and how it impacted him so profoundly, but that I was more important, and that he saw my need of him... I cried. I did not cry due to my own pain from that morning, but because I realized how much, and how many times in my life that I have survived difficult situations because my mom and dad sealed away their feelings to support and love me through my difficult situations over their own.

In a way it makes so much sense how and why I am the way I am about pain and emotions. It helps me understand why in highly emotional situations I rarely fall apart, but it also shows why the pain and suffering of otheres impacts me so deeply... It was how I was raised. Loving others first and before my own pain and troubles is more important no matter what.

What an amazing expression of love that is neither deserved nor expected, and yet cherished more deeply than words can adequately express.

My parents are amazing people that I do not deserve, but am so thankful for.

What an intensely clear and perfect reminder as to why I am doing what I am doing, and why sleeping away two days in order to restore myself so that I can move forward to loves others for Christ is worth every minute.

Painfully Good Reminders...

I have love hate relationships with the days where it is brought to my attention that I have been entirely too much about myself over the last while (however long). Not in the "I am a terrible person" way (although in some instances I truly lack compassion and tact), but in the subtle things that really matter to people, like a phone call, a message, whatever...

Lately life has been a whirlwind, which does not really surprise me, due to the fact that typically during the summer I attempt to have a summer schedule that allows me to do things with other people more. However, the problem with that schedule is, I have a typical "9-5" job and am in school full time getting a double masters degree, and still work to have enough free time to be able to do most things. Now, if I am being completely honest, I fill my time up with dozens of other things too, reading, movies, volunteering, small group, lots and lots of good food... and almost all of those activities involve friends.

However, that being said, my schedule lately has mostly revolved around myself.. The things I wanted to do, and the things that interested me. I mean, granted I "did" things to help others, but there have been way too many times lately where I have allowed myself to get distracted and forget things that are important to others.

I realize at this portion of my post it seems like I am beating myself up over little things that are "not a big deal." But they are.

In all seriousness, I cannot put a price on an offense or hurt I have caused someone else, especially someone who I care deeply for.

I was reminded today, in the most loving of ways, and more graciously than I deserved, that I had missed the mark. I had allowed myself to forget and become lazy in my diligence, and in doing so I had hurt someone close to me. How humbling to be reminded that your lack of paying attention to the small things that matter to other people has caused hurt in their life. Boiling it down, I hurt someone else because I did not care enough to make them a priority.

Ouch.

Talk about painful and humbling.

But, it honestly was the best kind of pain to experience because it allowed me the chance to apologize, and then do an inventory of the things I really have been slacking on out of pure laziness or apathy for things other than myself and my own interest... No matter how busy I am; work, school, whatever, I should never be too busy to stop and care about someone else's needs, cares, heart, problems or whatever over my own.

Such a painfully great heart check for me.

God's Character...

Last week I went to a speaking engagement/Q&A with Michael Ramsden and Ravi Zacharias. Couple side notes before I begin..

I met Michael Ramsden last January at the reception of my best friend's wedding. He is brilliantly funny, has a wonderful accent, and very clearly loves the Lord and has spent a great deal of time learning and working to understand Christianity.

I met Ravi Zacharias (and his wonderful wife Margie) a little over a year ago in his home. He is an amazing man both in front of an audience and in his own home. A few of my favorite things about him are how totally normal he is, he has just as many amusing or unique tendencies as any other person I have ever met. Yet, at the same time he has dedicated his whole life (since 17) to learning about Christ, Christianity, and teaching what he has learned to anyone with questions. Part of what I appreciate about him and his ministry Ravi Zacharias International Ministry (RZIM) is how much dedication he has to being and apologist (a link to what apologetics is just in case you don't know). He has been described as being the C.S. Lewis of this time, and I can definitely see that.

Anyway, on to the discussion I went to. It was hosted by the C.S. Lewis Institute, and held in the Constitution Hall of the DAR building downtown DC, with easily 1,500+ people in attendance (which is always encouraging).

Michael Ramsden started and was hysterical throughout his entire talk, but the thing that struck me the most about what he was talking about was how easily he wove literature, humor, facts, and faith in with Christianity in a manner that makes perfect sense. He started by explaining that there is a general thought, and one he held on to for quite a while when he was first learning about Christianity, and even after he realized he did actually believe Christ was the real deal... He was somewhat upset because his life was "good" before.. which left a lingering doubt of "will life be less fulfilling as a Christian?" He then commenced into explaining that "faith" is never actually used in a manner described as "stepping into the dark" but actually stepping into the light (Heb. 11:6 "..And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."). He then connected that thought with the idea that not only "God is.." but that God is trustworthy. The thing that is unique about the "Christian faith" is that the claim is that it is true and real, and that it is not based on an absence of evidence. Michael Ramsden then talked about the idea that so many Christians have "failed," but failed at what? What does it mean to be told that a Christian has failed? What does it mean to truly be a Christian?.. (Galaians 5, the fruits of the spirit) and that to "fail" is to live a life not worthy of the calling. But, in order to understand what the calling is, we have to understand the truth. He did a great job mixing a tough subject of truth, failure, hurt, and love with just enough comedy to tie it all together, at one point he said "I am sorry if you have met a church that is not meek, that has failed (to show love and truth)... Please give us their name and number..."

Michael Ramsden then proceeded to explain that when we are talking about Christians, then we have to be open about failure, the idea is not to hide it, because everyone knows we have failed. The real question that many people struggle with is "I am a good person, but I'm questioning whether there is a good God." When the reality is, we are not good people. Then very comically he pointed out, if you believe you are absolutely perfect, then the only option for you to do is to get married. (which of course sent everyone roaring with laughter...) He then very seriously pointed out that the fear and the core of the problem is that we feel that there is a failure of character of God himself... And, that we do not want God to pass judgement on us, but then we automatically want judgement passed on injustices... We can't understand why God wouldn't leave us alone.. but that if God operated that way it would quickly come across as though either God was schizophrenic or He is at war with himself.

He ended with a few last thoughts... True love exists only in the presence of judgement, not in the absence of better judgement. God loves us unconditionally with complete and total judgement, not in the absence of better judgement. The idea is that if you have never known truth, you've never known love either. You cannot truly love someone without knowing the truth about them, pass a knowing judgement, and then choose to love them anyway.

His parting thoughts were this: Whenever justice is absent, the result is despair and hopelessness. And, Mercy is exercised through justice.

Then Ravi Zacharias spoke second. He told the story of how he became a Christian, and why he is an apologist. But, the thing that I appreciate about his approach to being an apologist was virtually summed up in this one statement,
"Always remember you're not just answering a question, you're answering an questioner."
With that statement, he moved on to logically walking through the validity of the bible and God himself. Here are a few of his talking points:
There is nothing in history that sees the personality of God like the contrast we see in the Bible.
We struggle with the sovereignty of God, and the responsibility of humanity.

When you are looking at Christianity, and what it means or entails, he had three main points. 1. It is a life of meaning, but not without tears. 2. It is a life of perfection that reaches out to the flawed. And 3. It is a life of hard physicality but a triumph of spirituality.

1. It is a life of meaning, but not without tears.
As humans, we talk often about moral law, but we try to forget evil and neglect the moral law giver. The problem with being human is our longing becomes agonizing because we always want to touch and feel. (Which is what caused the fall in the garden to begin with).

As Christians, we don't often emphasize the moment of encounter with God that causes us to believe in Jesus and His story. We try to downplay it in a way.

2. It is a life of perfection that reaches out to the flawed.
One of the biggest problems people have with Christians is the broken people come to our churches, they make a huge blunder in some fashion, and then we never let them forget it... (how terribly sad.. and totally true.) Ravi went on to explain that he is not advocating that we need an "all embrace" wrong and sin attitude, or that it doesn't matter, but that in our own lives we have to be hard and stringent, but with others we need the grace filled arms of God. There is no other worldview that does not lean on the works.. "My Grace is sufficient.." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Ravi went on to explain that as Christians we often adopt an "I don't agree, and refuse to support.." attitude, and then try to step out of someone's life to show how much we disapprove. But, that the reality is if we take our own voice out of the life of a broken person because we don't agree with them, we are leaving them exclusively with the contrary voices... (If that isn't a reality check, then I am not sure what is..)

3. It is a life of hard physicality but a triumph of spirituality.
From there he went on to explain that when people are faced with Christianity, the reality is no one truly hears the gospel until they are made uncomfortable by it..

The loneliest people are those who become tired of pleasure and are still left wanting... When the ultimate fulfillment comes from learning to love God in spirit and in truth.


Most of the questions asked about Christians (hypocrisy, authentic, truth, etc..) are really questions about God's moral character, and can he be trusted.

Lastly, according to Christ, no one killed him, he freely gave his life. Which would serve as a sign for us to know who He is, so we may know the certainty of who He is and what He offers.

After the Q&A part of the night (I did not put all the note from that section in this post) Ravi ended with these parting thoughts,
"We have to take the questions we are being asked seriously, and we cannot fail to see the person behind the question..."
"Take your faith seriously.."
"People are desperately seeking Christ, don't bring all the other baggage (humanity, Christianity, and sin)..."

The thing that I loved the most about listening to Ravi speak was the sheer level of work and understanding he puts into living his life for Christ. It was clear as people were asking questions that he was purposeful about answering the person just as much as the question. I was amazed.. and spent a lot of the time overwhelmed by the ability he has to naturally speak at any level, theology, facts, history, etc.. the amount of knowledge he has is impressive to say the least.. But, not once did it ever come out without humility and smothered in Christ's love and grace. What I appreciate throughout all of this is that I know on a personal level the man speaking, and he is not perfect, but I appreciate that about him as well.

I am sure I will post additional thoughts.. especially since this in not the entirety of my notes from this evening.

Out of the Blue...

There are days that I am pretty sure my exclusive purpose is to make it through the day as unscathed as possible... Then sometimes there are weeks, months, and years like that... I am somewhere in that mix.

I had a conversation tonight that was among some of the more weird and frustrating than I have had in a while... A "friend" I spent a while chatting with on facebook or text suddenly stopped talking to me. While I was curious, I honestly did not pursue it because it was clear that I was not wanted around. The couple times I reached out I was met with very little response and a very short answers, so I took the hint that my expiration date had worn off, and I was not wanted.

I went somewhere in the vicinity of 6weeks to 2 months without hearing from them. No big deal, and I really did not think of it much.

Out of the blue tonight I got a fb chat from this person. It started out just general chatting, asking me if I would come see them where they are working, and then when I pressed the fact that I had not heard from them in a while... along with the fact that I just assumed they had moved on, it quickly progressed into essentially attacking me for my cockiness in regards to my martial arts. It was an interesting conversation because these decisions about my cockiness were based exclusively off of text conversations, at no time was any of it face to face or even on the phone... (Let me pause here and say, text can be awesome.. but it is not a good way to understand the feelings and reasoning behind a lot of things people say. Too much is missed purely built into the nature of text communication.)

After a while of this, and it being apparent my explanations were not working I just apologized for the misunderstanding, and for the times that I know I am being cocky and just let them go until they were done, and decided they had enough, and then they bid me a good night and left.

..... uhm. Ok.

Not really sure what possessed this... interesting conversation, but it just leaves me with a very bitter taste in my mouth, and feeling beat up for no good reason.

Fantastic way to end a weekend that I worked most of it and begin the next work week.

People never cease to amaze me with their desires to share their thoughts about people and their situations without understanding all of it or even acknowledging there is probably more to the story. It is one thing to share your thoughts about a situation with the intent and heart to be of actual benefit to the person. A "tough love" conversation is always welcome... But, sharing your opinion about someone with really the only intent of walking away feeling you have somehow made your point known is not helpful to either party.

I get that I am a stronger person than most and can "handle" being trashed.. but seriously, I have no desire to be the stronger person when your only point is to hurt me so you feel better and justified.

So, now I walk away with the intent of forgiving and letting it go... regardless of how I feel about the situation.

Thank you.

A Note to Those Christians...

It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most rude, condescending, judgmental, and hypocritical people are also the ones who claim to be christians. This week for some reason I have either come up against those kind of christians or I have listened to other Christians express hurt or frustration from an unpleasant encounter. So, here are a few remarks I have said or would like to say to the christians that exhibit a large amount of gracelessness and mercilessness.

First and foremost, we have been given this incredible gift of grace and mercy. One which we did NOT earn, we did not ask for, and we most certainly did not pay for. The only appropriate response is to turn around and do the same to those around us.. Giving them a glimpse of what we are completely aware of.

Second, your sins and my sins have been FORGIVEN. Which means stop freaking bringing up things from the past and running your mouth about what someone should or should not have done in any given situation. There is a distinct difference between calling someone out for actions for which they need to be called out for (mind you, just because you SEE something does not mean God has bestowed the task of taking care of it... Holy Spirit will let you know..) and berating someone or making it clear you look down on them (as though you are above them) for a mistake they have made in the past...

Which brings me to a subset.. If someone has a mistake/sin from their past, and you are merely aware of it.. you have no rights to claim emotions or feelings towards their mistake. You were not a part of it, nor was it intended towards you. That sin is between them, whoever was involved, and God.. Butt out... (I do recognize that sometimes past sins can cause pain to someone not involved.. that is something that needs to be taken to the Lord, not used against the person.)

Thirdly, please remember one crucial thing. God is God, you are not. He does not need you to fix things for Him, He is perfectly capable on His own... And, please learn the difference between your own feelings and emotions and "feeling something in the Spirit." It would make everyone's (even your) life so much better. You are not the morals police.

Cuatro, just because you feel strongly about something, does not mean everyone else should.. There is a reason we are referred to as "a body" we each have our roles, soap boxes, and fights.. But that does not mean you should make yours someone else's.. such as piercings, tattoos, owning a home, investing etc.. While all of those things could be right or wrong depending on the person and the situation, you are not tasked with making sure everyone around you believes the same way or feels beat upon for thinking something different..

Now, on to some things I honestly believe we should all practice.. Love. Do not mistake my "love' to mean the cute hearts and rainbows kind. The false love that never says no.. I am talking about genuine heartfelt "I care about you too much to let you fall" kinda love.. The love that would cause you to die for someone. It is commonly understood that the more something is mentioned in the Bible the more important it is. The word Love (in one of several versions agape, phileos, aros, etc..) is mentioned more than 900 times in the Bible (I dare you to find a page in the bible without at least one "love" in it.), meaning this is a crucially important topic to understand. Just because you have the right to say something, does not mean God gave you the green light on His behalf. Choose your words carefully, and make sure your heart is approaching it with their best in mind.

Lastly, stop pretending like you are doing God a favor, He's already paid for your sins and theirs. Live your life so that it gives glory to God, and to speak words that show you are worthy of the call of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

When God Speaks...

2 years ago I got an email from a man from a place I had never heard of in a little town several states away. The email stated that he had found my resume online, and was very impressed and felt I would be perfect for a job he had, and he would like me to officially submit my resume. After reading the name of the organization, I promptly told him thanks but no thanks, I was a little unsure of the organization and was not really interested. He proceeded to send me more information and asked me to reconsider. I did, and decided I would give it a whirl, so I officially submitted my resume. A couple days later, I had a phone interview that went well, and he told me he wanted to fly me down for a face to face interview, I agreed. My job at the time ended 3 days later, and I packed my car to drive home from a summer working as a boat driver at a summer camp. I was home for the weekend, flew out and back in two days to find a job offer before I even reached home. I packed everything I owned into my car and made a 12 hour car ride down to Virginia with my best friend. 

I arrived in a city where I knew no one, had no GPS, a cell phone that didn't work outside the city.. no place to live, a shotty car, and an hour commute to work.

Slowly, God began filling in the massive blanks in my life. I found a mega church, a sunday school class, a small group, and a girl who would quickly become one of my best and most loyal friends. I got a new cell phone, a new car, found a roomie, and slowly began adjusting to the southern style of living. The entire time saying, I would only be at my job two years. Everyone acknowledged my timeframe with a smile and a nod and a "we will see.." But, I somehow knew God had told me two years.

3 months later in December we faced several job cuts, and somehow my job was not cut... but, I was informed I would be given 2 years to prove myself and see what I could do... I filed the timeframe away in the back of my mind.

During this same time period I had an extremely vivid dream, and really the main thing that stood out to me was "July of '10" ... So, once again I filed it away, and told a few people that something was going to happen in July of '10, I did not know what, but something, they smiled, nodded and said "we will see..."

Little by little, I built my life in this new city, and I loved it. I found amazing friends, trips to Africa, the beach, the mountains, DC, traveled all over the place, and saw God and felt God in totally new ways. I moved 4 times, met lots of people that I was blown away by for so many reasons, learned to dance, hiked mountains, and dealt with more visceral pain then I ever had before.

In January of '10 my world began to change one consistent step at a time, things at work changed dramatically, things at home began to become stressed, friends moved away, I began having lots of health problems, I met a boy and began to like really him only to later have God tell me to be obedient and walk away, I moved, traveled more then I probably should have, watched lots of friends get engaged, married, find out they were having a baby, and have babies. I had car problems, more medical problems, family problems at home, and the simple distance made it impossible to help, more job stresses... and then, almost suddenly it was July of '10.

Nothing.

4th of July, I went to Atlanta to visit my best friend from home who I had not seen in more than 8 months. I was totally broken, in the physical, mental, and emotional sense of the word broken. I was in pain.. I was trying mostly just to function. I was just hurting and trying to understand what was going on, and I had no way of communicating to anyone how I was feeling, cause I did not know. She and her new fiance spent the weekend making me laugh, loving on me, and reminding me of who I am, and why I am precious. I went home with a renewed sense of peace in my life which began to grow and consume me from the inside. I spent lots of time just being still. Listening to water lap on a dock, crickets, the nothingness that passes you when you drive with the windows down, and lots of music. I read a lot, traveled more, and dealt with the physical, mental, and emotional pain that I had yet to escape. I went home for a quick weekend and was hugged more in one weekend then I had been all summer.

The end of July of '10 came, and I saw it off by keeping track of 5 high school boys at the beach. They were mine along with 25 other kids of mine, and man do I really truly love my kids; they are precious and wonderfully made... However, after a week at the beach with my kids, I was very tired, but I cherished every moment of it. I had many great conversations, and spent the week so completely focused on them and their needs that I had no option but to forget my own pain, forget the hurt I had been given, and allow everything to just detox. I came home renewed, yet exhausted. At this point, I was working on 3 weeks straight without a day off, but also knowing that August of '10 would begin with me being truly happy for the first time all year.

Slowly, little by little I began to realize that I am ok. I knew all along God had a plan, but man was it painful. I realized that in July of '10 I found God faithful. God answered my prayers and He never left me, I never grew bitter, and in the end I realized I was ok, God was still God, and I was still His hurting daughter who desperately needed Him to save me, and He did. I became secure again, life continued.

Near the end of August I had several nights of terrible nights sleep. One particular evening, I spent the entire night having a dream about a meeting that would take place the next day, only the topic in my dream had nothing to do with the topic of the actual meeting... but, just the same I spent the whole dream angry and pissed off and yelling. So much so, that I woke up tense and sore all over, completely exhausted from the nights sleep. I went to work determined to have a good attitude and a good approach towards the meeting. During the meeting we discussed normal business, and then, as if I was in my own movie where the viewer could spot the oncoming plot, I was informed that I was going to be "let go" by the end of the year. The remainder of the conversation was pretty typical... and I explained that I was fine, God would take care of me and I was not worried. This is, and has always been His deal... He'll figure it out, and let me know the plan.

August of '10 I celebrated 2 years from when everything started.... This week I found out my time here at my job is coming to and end. Next week is 2 years. 

God does speak.

Never Forget...

I have had such a great weekend so far... It has included dancing, lots and lots of laughter, turning around a dozen times in DC while making only a 20 minute drive, good food, wonderful friends, and again more laughter. I simply cannot thank God enough for the things He has given me that I know I do not deserve. However, in the midst of all the genuine goodness, several very good and pointed conversations reminded me how much pain I am surrounded by every day...

To start, my roomie is hurting because of a situation she cannot change, she is grieving and hurting for those around her. I love her heart, and wish I could make it better... take away the pain.. offer some sort of comforting words of wisdom, but instead I cannot change the situation anymore then she can... These are the moments we learn the most, and these are the times when we realize how much we need our personal relationship with our Savior every single day. These moments sear into our hearts how fragile people are, and how important it is to live out exactly what we are told to by God... Love Him, Love others.

Sometimes life is just hard... for no reason at all. I hate Satan.

I got to talk to a really good friend from the couple of years I worked at camp this weekend, we tend to talk every so often, usually just catching each other up and literally hearing what God is doing or the things we are facing in our lives. There are so many times that once I get off the phone I am just blown away by how much God speaks to me through this friend. The no crap truth that they speak, the fact that they hear what I say, and then ask what I am truly thinking or feeling... and then they turn right around and are just as open and honest, and allow me to be the same type of friend for them... I truly treasure this friend, more then I think they have any idea of.

Tonight, I was talking with two of my best friends here, and I was so quickly reminded how much my heart breaks for certain people... No, actually my heart pretty much breaks for everyone at one point or another, sometimes it comes and goes, and other times it feels suffocating. Tonight, I was reminded how lost some people are... My heart literally hurts. Ever since going to Ghana in November of '08, there are just certain types of pain and hurt that when I am made aware of it in someone else's life, my heart physically hurts... Tonight is one of those nights. I can do absolutely nothing to fix the problem, and as much as I want to, I cannot force someone to see the error of their ways or how they are perpetuating the problem. The basic problem is, they just simply cannot understand certain facts about our God that I so ignorantly take for granted every single day. Sometimes, I just wish I could shake the people and yell at them "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW EASY THIS COULD BE?!"... And then, my Lord quietly reminds me that, it is not my job, nor my place to fix them... it is His, and He is in fact perfectly capable of taking care of things... and yes, His heart breaks for them too.

Tonight I caught myself thinking "I hate how much I care..." and then I instantly was reminded (in my own mind of course) "... You prayed for this..." and my only rebuttal was stupid and like a little child "yeah, but I just didn't think it would hurt this much..."

I am double minded sometimes, and I know that fact about myself. I want to spend every day loving those around me, making them feel important and cared for... That task manifests itself differently depending on who it is I am engaging with, but the purpose and heart behind my goal is the same. Then I will turn right around and get so frustrated because I do not want to hurt or feel the pain I feel when I watch those around me hurt... or even when I hear a story of someone else's pain. I am reminded almost daily of the fact that I am SO thankful I am not God and do not know it all.. or have the responsibility to fix it all... even when I want to.

Tonight I realized, I am never going to be able to forget this pain and ache I feel when I watch those around me deal with pain... regardless of the cause, it is real to them, and I cannot fix it. My heart hurts so much it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes... and that drives me to do the only thing I know for sure... Prayer.

New...

For the first time in more than 8 months I finally feel normal. Not because of a drug, alcohol, a boy, or anything tangible... I just feel like myself again. Laughing comes easily once more, and energy is not something I merely remember having a lot of.

My schedule is about to explode again (which I love), all my best friends are back to work (they are all teachers), and several of them are either taking college classes or teaching college classes, and then there is my wonderful roomie who works at night... My classes start on the 2nd, and then of course there's all the normal trying to fit time in for people, which I feel like will be doing a lot of inviting people over to hang out or to join me somewhere with wifi...

My roomie has finally returned to me for good, no more galavanting around the country... After this last stint I told her she is never allowed to leave me for that long again (almost a month!). I love having her home... even if we just sit on opposite ends of the awesome couch she bought with our dog between us and watch a movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon... I love it... We laugh a lot, and have more inside jokes then I can count.. we recite one liners from movies constantly, and we purposefully seek to do things for one another all the time. She has no idea how much living with her makes me feel like I belong, like I have a place that is my home, and that my mood at home does not effect how much she loves me and will try to take care of me.. She's wonderful, and I am not really looking forward to her disappearance in the evenings due to work... so we have decided on a plan of dinners at her work, and probably more than my fair share of sitting at her games (probably doing homework) just so I can be around and see her more than Sunday mornings haha

Even though the start of a new school year means THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of college students who do not know how to drive once again are taking up space on the roads and parking lots.. I really do look forward to the new school year each fall, because for whatever reason I seem to work off a fiscal year better than a calendar year haha! I am looking forward to the bonfires, dinners, sweatshirts, and the mass amounts of laughter from the ridiculousness that is my wonderful friends and their antics and one liners :)

I love that from this point in my life I can look both backwards and forwards and see God moving, I can see His hand in every aspect of my life, holding me when I was too broken to keep going, cheering when I made the right choice, I can feel His arms around me as I was hurt and cried more times then I can ever remember crying before, and I can feel His encouragement when I was so frustrated at Him that I had to choose things I knew were right instead of what I wanted. I can see how patient my Lord was when I was angry and let Him know exactly how I was feeling. But, more than any of it... I can see His faithfulness.. Even through all the suck that was this year, I can see how much stronger I am, how much more I have written Him into the fibers of my heart, and I can see all the people He placed around me to care for me... the moments when I did not even know I needed something suddenly I had exactly what I needed to keep going. Even when I was being a brat and really did not deserve it my sweet Savior was there taking care of me unconditionally. I have been through a lot this year, but never once have I felt like God left me hanging to dry, I felt Him with me every step, even when I was so angry at Him and this plan that seemed to contain nothing but one crappy thing after another... He was still there.. ever faithful.

I would do every bit of it again knowing the painful outcome, and the work it would take to come out hopefully being found faithful on the other side.... Only to know that the hard times will come again at some point.

Tonight was the first night in a really long time that I just felt normal.. like laughing just came naturally, that I was surrounded by people who love me, and that I will be ok, and in fact things will be awesome because I am not controlling my future!

Healing and Sunshine...

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, my whole body felt achey and my stomach felt like any sudden movement would cause me to lose it. I sat on my bed and tried to will the illness away, and tried reasoning with myself that 8 1/2 hours of sleep should have cured whatever I had... I got up and tried to begin getting ready for work, only to stop every couple steps willing my stomach to stay put. So, I emailed my boss and explained I was not feeling well and would be in tomorrow.. and promptly went back to sleep for another 6 or so hours.... which brings my total to roughly 14 1/2 hours of sleep last night! Whoa...

So, other than that I am doing really great.. I spent the last week with 30 or so teens and 15 or so adults at the beach. I love the beach or rather anything with water. I spent a week totally focusing outward, I did a lot of observing, and mental checks. I love my kids, all of them.. Some stay on the obnoxious side, others fluctuate, and some stay on the reasonable and enjoyable side... I had lots of fantastic conversation with them about relationships, tattoos, boys, girls, God, the Bible, their families and histories. I took a sheet for the beach instead of a towel, and was never without a child sitting next to me talking, I loved it. My respect for several of my coworkers grew exponentially because of their reactions, and all the little ways they held their composure when really we all wanted to just scream.. I loved every bit of it, even if I did return insanely tired.

I was thinking the other day, how absolutely amazing my Lord is. He took an insanely hectic week full of drama and sunshine to finally let the pain and hurt I have been through the last 7 months bleed out. I do not know how he did it, but somehow the residual effects of my old living situation, my work stresses, boy trouble, friends leaving, home issues, car problems, friend frustrations, health issues, and a slew of other pains all became ok again. Somewhere in there I became ok with what I have gone through, and I know it will at some point in the future be made perfectly clear why it all happened the way it did. It is not like everything is suddenly all better, like a snap of a finger or flash of light.. but rather a total peace with the fact that my life has been especially hard as of late, and I have had to deal with, learn, and persevere through a lot of heartache and pain. I have said all along I would do it all over again because I have learned SO much about who my Lord is, who I am, and how to talk to God when all I really want to do is freak out and run away.

All I keep coming back to is I am ok. Life is slowing down and picking up at the same time. I do not have as many things crammed in as possible anymore... but, at the same time I am keeping the perfect balance of busy. I love summer, but I am content to see it coming to a close, and see fall come. Not that I have any specific plans for the fall, but I am ok for this "season" to come to a close.

I have decided or maybe been forced to realize a few things about myself...
1. I am worthy to be pursued, and until the time that a guy decides that he will pursue and fight for me regardless, I will remain an untouchable. I am too stubborn and loyal to have to deal with crap for crap sake when the guy cannot decide what he wants.
2. Choosing obedience over loyalty is one of the hardest things ever to do.
3. I would willingly go through anything again to learn how to talk to the Creator.
4. I can do more when I stop trying to do it all.
5. Laughter is healing, and when you do not have any it slowly kills you on the inside.
6. I, whether good or bad always seem to choose strength instead of relying on others.
7. Sometimes I pull away because I want to see who insists on being there... And, I am SO thankful for the few that insist on being there.
8. I am endlessly complicated and intricate thanks mostly to my Savior.
9. I am stronger than I realize mostly due to the never ending love and support of God and all the people He has placed in my life.
10. I have learned/am learning that the only thing I need to know is that God has a plan, and I need to choose to be content in that alone.

Reminded...

Pain and hurt are so hard to explain to someone not going through it. You can explain it, describe it, and give examples for them to compare it to, but the reality is no one else has anyway of feeling it with you. If you have read my blog for any amount of time, it does not take long to realize trying to push through pain and hurt are an ever-present goal and struggle for me. I have this insatiable desire to do things well, come through on the other side of something having done my absolute best, and for things to turn out well in the end. I am always hopeful and optimistic that in the end everything WILL be ok... Even if the end is too far away to see or grasp yet. I do not always voice my hope, but it is there.. and usually it is there in my knowledge of my Savior and His promises... Which are what gets me through the emotions of everything.

I went to bed last night hurting and frustrated.. I fell asleep in my prayers rebuking Satan and his demons from my mind, heart, room, house, from the situations I am in, and from the other people involved in my life that I know are struggling. I felt better as I drifted to sleep. When I woke up this morning it had been a solid night of unrest... I must have been having terrible dreams because I woke up at 2am hoping it was time to get up.. 2:50 thinking something was wrong with my phone I turned my phone on to check it, and received a text message from earlier that was encouraging in its own way. I was reminded in one line that I am not struggling alone, that it is not easy for them either. I then woke up at 5:00 frustrated, hot, and feeling like I had just come out of a terrible dream, but could not remember anything... I decided I should get up and go to the bathroom just to move around... Turned my ceiling fan on, and tried going back to sleep thinking, "Jesus this is ridiculous..." I woke from my barely asleep state with my alarm at 6:30 needing Jesus.. So, I played worship music and laid in bed attempting to pray away my feelings and frustrations... Only to then get up then 30 minutes late because of it, feeling no better.. Then to discover it is raining and I did not get the chance to set up the coffee the night before. Thank you Jesus for friends who live on my way to work, who make more coffee then they need...

So, not "feeling" anything today, no motivation, and no desire to do anything... I thought "maybe if I go back through my blog I will find something from my past that will encourage me..." .. and I did. Whew, thank you Jesus! So, here are a few quotes from one of my blogs in December (My Sandpapered Heart) that challenged me and reminded me... (I have bolded the parts that really jumped out at me again)

"I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?... 

Will I obey Him when it hurts? 

What about when I do not understand and I am scared?"

"What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."

Another thing he (Dr. Wheeler) mentioned was that 'We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor.'

He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.

My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over, no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...

So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."

When I re-read that something inside of me jumped. I was reminded that I MUST above anything else obey my Savior regardless of how I feel. I can pity party or make up excuses about my attitude and reactions because of my terrible night sleep all I want, but that changes nothing about my reality.. I must follow and run the race that my Lord has set before me.

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” – Galatians 6:9

My biggest fear currently is totally irrational and not at all what I have seen, experienced, and know as truth. I fear that I will work at my short comings, learn to be more patient, and persevere, work at being more graceful and loving etc.. etc.. and in the end it will not matter anyway, I will lose and it will all be pointless. Where in the world does this thought process come in? It is false and a lie, I know in my mind that is a lie. I fear that once again I will fail and that it is safer and easier to rely on only myself. I do not want this lie anywhere near me, which is why I am mentioning it, I have found voicing fears and concerns always seem to help me see the reality and truth in them, as well as the foolish thoughts and emotions behind them.

Lord, I cannot do this on my own, I need you because I am weak and impatient and short sighted. Please help me, give me guidance, help my faith, and calm my fears. Help me to rest in you and your promises with unwavering certainty. Help me to be obedient even when I do not understand or feel like doing so.

Fallen...

I realized again today as I was talking to one of "my kids" from back home... We live in such a crappy world. Our world is broken and full of terrible things that were never meant to be a part of who we are or our understanding.

I have been faced with so much of it recently and all I can think is "This. Is. Awful." not in a judgmental way, but in a realistic understanding that God never intended this to be in our lives when He created us. We were not supposed to have knowledge of Good and Evil... I was never supposed to know how much it hurts to watch someone you care about suffer and struggle through things. I was never supposed to understand pain so deep in my heart that nothing can express it. I was never supposed to know what it feels like to be helpless as someone walks through the steps of healing.... I was never supposed to know these things. I was never supposed to experience these things. Our world is terrible and it breaks my heart every time I am faced with these types of situations.

If I could I would take the pain and frustration and trials of those around me... But, I was never meant to be our savior. I am not, nor do I want to be Jesus... But, I hate feeling helpless when those around me are suffering and hurting. The only thing I have to offer is to listen and pray, and I try my best to do both. But, even still I do not feel like that is enough.. I always walk away wishing I could do more... and that is usually what drives me to prayer.

I wish I could do more to help those around me and make a difference in the lives of the people I touch..

Not Ok...

I once heard a saying from Matt Chandler from The Village Church.. He said "It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to stay there." Meaning it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be hurting, broken, weak.. not ok.. But, it is not ok to wallow in it, to live in this state. We are always to be pressing on, pushing forward, learning, growing.. just as long as we are moving.

So, I am not ok. I am weak, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I do not understand, I do not have peace in my heart, and I have no idea what to do.

Yesterday at church I went down front and prayed because I feel very broken, like I am going through these motions simply out of muscle memory because my mind cannot focus on them. A couple of my best girl friends came and prayed with me, and as we were getting up another friend commented on not understanding how I hold it all together so well... Mainly because I was not crying, and she was because one of the big things going on right now she is one of the peripheral people that is getting effected. I just laughed at her and told her, "you're assuming because I'm not crying that I'm holding it all together." Which is exactly how I feel right now.. That while I do not have the emotions to cry, I am not holding it together. I do not know how to fix this thing.

To be completely honest, one of the biggest things going on is I dread going to work now. I honestly feel hung out to dry, and as though it is just a matter of time before either I decide I have had enough and walk away or before someone else decides I am not essential or too much of a pain. Ugh. Work takes up too much of my life for me to dread it, no wonder people who hate their jobs are grumps all the time...

If I was giving full disclosure, I would admit that part of my struggle right now is being... afraid, hesitant, unsure of where God is gonna take me next... As in, I really do not want to move away, even if that is back home. I love it where I live, I love my friends. But, it dawned on me today, I have absolutely LOVED everywhere God has taken me, so if he leads me away.. why would it be any different?.. It wouldn't be.

Lord I will follow you. I will let you lead and just relish the dance you are leading me through. I am uneasy because I don't know the steps, but I trust you to lead me well. I will smile because you are what makes this all worth it and so much fun. Please hold onto me tightly so I don't fall or stumble.

I wanted to put the official video.. but it won't allow embedding.. So, you get the link instead..

How He Loves

I dare you to get this song out of your head... It's almost impossible.

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?...

Saturday evening I sort of peaced out of all the different things I was invited to do, and headed for "alone time" ... (with people around of course haha) I went to Barnes and Noble and walked around until I found a book that struck my fancy, and then I burrowed away and read for about an hour in a half. Anyway, the book I chose was called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" and it's by Angela Thomas, I picked this book up without realizing I had heard this woman speak at a conference a little over a year ago, and I LOVED her...

So, onto the things I read about and am sorta thinking/mulling over now...

The entire purpose of the book is to mesh the desire to be found physically beautiful, intelligent, funny, witty, competent, with our desire for Jesus.. We want to be noticed, enchanting, desirable etc..etc.. Girls want to be all of these things physically and as an entire person. The thing that I really liked about her approach was that she not once pointed to needing "more God and less of these feelings and desires.." Instead, she points out how much we were created to feel and want these things, and how it IS ok, we just have to allow God to be the first in fulfilling these things in our life.

But, through the course of all of it, she so very openly talks about our desire for a boy to find these qualities in us. For us to have something tangible to see all of this fulfilled.. but then points to the problems if we allow a boy to be the one who solely fills this void. She walks down a logical path of thinking when the "swooning feelings" go away, and you have been married for a while, and he no longer picks up his socks etc..etc.. and suddenly if you are not careful you look to some other guy thinking "surely HE is perfect...." instead of allowing God to fill that hurt and void that your man was never meant to fill.

She spent a long time talking about the hurt in not being found beautiful. She talked about how half the hurt comes from what is NOT said instead. For example, when a guy says "Your friend is really pretty." He means NOTHING but to comment on another girl's beauty, but what he did not say about your own beauty means you were not noticed, and it leaves hurts, leaves a wound, a sting, some sort of mark on your heart. And, instead of acknowledging this or even our need and desire for this, we rationalize it as being ok, because we are dependable, the loyal friend, funny, smart, successful... But, when it all boils down to it, none of that matters, it still hurts.

She talked about a lot of aspects of being beautiful, so I thought I would include a couple quotes that I felt really described my feelings.. currently, previously... at some point I felt or feel this way...

"I've spent most of my life trying to deny the way God made me. Afraid to be strong for fear of being prideful... Afraid to admit I'm a woman who longs to be desired, rescued, and longs to be called beautiful."

"When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters."

Once she began transitioning into the core of the issue, the very center of what we are truly desiring above even a boy finding us beautiful, she said this:

"Oh, God, do YOU think I'm beautiful?"

She points out that at the core, we struggle with questions like these, and on some level believe that maybe not even God sees these things, or worse... what if he does and he begins to stop seeing me as beautiful and desirable? What if he stops noticing me because of all the mess?

"God, do you see me flawed? Do you see me struggle? Do you see the unmet desires of my heart? Do you see me trying to manipulate and control? Do you see me yearn for things I can't have? Do you see me in all the mess and STILL think I'm beautiful?"

God's responds to our broken thoughts...

"I knew the truth when you felt misunderstood." That in all of it he knows, sees, hears, and beyond all of that CARES when we are hurting.

She points out that one of the big things we have to understand is "There is a desperate loneliness that settles on the heart not heard. Lonely for companionship, lonely for expression, lonely for affirmation." And, in the midst of that, we ask once again...

"Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me?.... Do you REALLY love me?"

God always responds to these, He lovingly talks and speaks to each question in our hearts if we allow Him to. He created us knowing these things, and He uses them to continually draw our hearts to Him.

Then, she explains that we were created to give our hearts away to a boy, and that we were created to NEED their strength and that we are supposed to fall head over heels for a boy. This idea seems basic, but honestly.. the idea of giving my heart away, leaning on his strength, and falling head over heels in love with someone who could decide later I am not worth it.. Very much scares me. If I am being TOTALLY honest... my heart definitely cries out: what if he changes his mind and decides I'm not beautiful anymore? What if I fall apart at some point and he decides it is more than he bargained for?... What if he thought I had it together more than I do? What if my weakness drags him down? What if I can't support him the way he needs? Is he settling for ok when he could have had amazing? I mean I can point to dozens of women who are much more beautiful than I am both physically and personality wise.... So, what if?....

But, if I am going to pay attention to any of the things she was talking about, I have to realize a couple things...
1. Jesus created me to fill these areas with himself... which does not mean I suddenly no longer desire these things from a boy.. it just means he is the first and primary source of contentment in these areas.
2. None of these things mean my world will fall apart.
3. My future is not my own to worry about, that is not my job.

So, this is me admitting that I too share these feelings. I am "capable," "successful," "intelligent," "witty," "charming," "dependable," etc..etc.. and yet I still wonder, "Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you notice me? Do you hear me? Will you rescue me? Do you REALLY love me?"

These things constantly draw me back to the arms of my Sweet Savior Jesus.

Old Familiar Pain...

I am so frustrated. The last couple days have been really rough, and it is not because of any single situation or person, but several loaded on top of one another.

I hate when I feel like this... I am well acquainted with these feelings, but it does not make them any better. The bottom line is right now I am just hurting. I am working very hard at not progressing to getting pissed at the various situations or people, especially the ones I know I am partially to blame for the problem. The worst part of the issues are, I cannot fix any of these situations. I cannot make them better, I cannot take back anything I have done, and even though I have apologized for the things I have done wrong (that I was aware of), it does not make the situation gone.

One of the bigger situations was a prime example of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Both of us stopped trying like we normally do, and just waited for the other one to come to us. We both took things and assumed what we wanted instead of asking questions or seeking the other out like we normally do. We became consumed with our own world and hurt and basically forgot to reach out and lean on each other. But, regardless in the midst of all of it, we were both hurting and the lack of communication caused the hurt to deepen on both ends. After a long... long argument, we got through it all, and I think both realized part of it had really nothing to do with each other as much as it did our own situations.. And, being the best friends that we are, and the history we have, we know it is safe to react poorly... even though reacting poorly is never a good idea, we will always love each other and we know that, even in the midst of everything.

Another situation, I have no idea how to fix. I honestly feel like the person is choosing to "show me a lesson" or "punish" me for whatever offense they feel I have committed or in whatever way they feel I have wronged them. I am frustrated beyond belief for a lot of things that are just not appropriate to post on a blog for anyone to read. The sucky part is, I have no idea what is truly going on, what caused the reactions, and regardless of what I potentially have done, it does not warrant the reaction I am getting... Knowing the person it is on purpose, and it just adds to the hurt.

I found out yesterday another good friend I had in college has apparently decided to ex-communicate me. We were not super close for most of college, mainly because I did not know them... But, the last couple years of college, they became one of my mentors, solid, dependable, caring... etc..etc.. The type that would drive hours to be your support if you asked. They spent hours upon hours with me talking about various things, perspectives on life, Jesus, the World, ministry, caring about others. We did missions trips together and honestly made a great team. And then, suddenly the phone number I have goes to someone else, I am no longer a facebook friend.. and thus have no way of communicating with them unless I hunt them down at the last place I knew that they worked at. To add to it, a really great mutual friend of the two of us still has the ability to contact them, which means I was intentionally removed from their life. Awesome.

Then to add to all of this I started out the week with a couple very highly intense situations. I am not going to go into detail, just in the midst of everything else it makes life stressful. Enough so that I am clenching my jaw again while I am sleeping, and I have to intentionally not clench my jaw while I am awake... My mouth hurts.

So.. Now, where am I at? Wanting to cry. I just really feel helpless and hurt in a lot of these situations. I am a fixer, even if I cannot fix, usually I can help, offer support, advice, something. But, I have no idea what to do.

The thing that I am really fighting right now is not allowing myself the ability to get pissed off and react poorly. I am also very much fighting reverting back to the old thought processes and insecurities. For the sake of exposing things in the light.. here are a few of my thoughts I KNOW are NOT true, but I am seriously fighting the emotions and thoughts of anyway...

~Maybe if I just push everyone away or pull away from everyone, it will keep pain like this from reoccurring in my life.

~These are more examples added to the case of why I am not good enough.

~Maybe if I tried harder, cared less, was more loving, less abrasive, sought them out more, was more intentional about being in their life, they would see me, and want me in their life as a friend.

~Beyond this I begin to revert back to things like "I knew I would get hurt again." "It's my fault for being _______ or not enough ________" I literally can fill those blanks with everything.

~I'll just grit and bare it, and eventually it will be ok and the hurt will go away.

~I should try harder, maybe I have gotten too lazy.

~Maybe if I was better at ____________ things would be different.

These are just a few of them...

But, let me be clear for a second time, none of these are things I am believing. These are lies, and I recognize them as that... This is not a crisis needing someone to intervene before I do something stupid type moment. I know these are not truths, and I know that Jesus is working. He is moving, and He will be glorified through everything. All of these thoughts are things that used to be serious strongholds in my life, and the pain I am currently feeling is very familiar, and with that familiarity comes the habitual thoughts that used to come with them. I am battling the thoughts in my head, praying over them, and recognizing the lies that are trying to seep into my heart and beliefs once again.

So... Now what?.. Pray. Talk to my Sweet Savior and allow His Truths to wash over my mind and heart. I accept this pain, these trials.. whatever He asks me to. I do not have the mentality of "why me?" because it not only does no good, but it also contradicts prayers of "I'll do anything for you" .... Knowing these things does not lessen the pain, it is still there and still real, but it changes the view of darkness. Knowing morning will come eventually never changes being in the cold darkness that is night, it just changes the perspective on the situation. So, my perspective is that God WILL be glorified. I will screw up and admit it, and I will grow, and I will become more of the person I am supposed to be. But, usually that means some pain too, which I would rather have than be who I used to be for the sake of avoiding any pain at all.

Lord please help me and cover me in you.

I Feel...

I feel... I do not know how I feel. I have seriously been struggling the last couple weeks. I hate that. I hate when you struggle and there are no good words that I could use to explain why. I hate when emotions take over and I have no reason to explain them...

I have had to work hard at not exploding or saying things to people who deserve nothing but kindness in return.. Or, in some cases I have just been annoyed to be around people.. people I love dearly and LOVE spending time with... I just feel irritated and frustrated for no reason at all. Tense for no reason, upset, annoyed.. no reason. *sigh* I am not this girl, so what gives? PMS?... haha I wish, that is easy for me to deal with. I am not that girl either, and it is not the same.

If I can put a face to the emotion, I do alright, I can control it, hide it, resolve it.. whatever I need to do in order to deal with it and move on.

The problem is when I cannot figure out the problem. I feel like I am blind, and hurting, and there is nothing to be done but sit and wait. I can point to all kinds of things that have caused stress, things that have taken my attention, things I am worrying about... but none of them are enough to cause me to feel like I am hurting.

The weirdest thing about all of this.. I can STILL see God working. This is not a "God where did you go?" time... This is much more along the lines of "okaayyy.. I see you working and moving.. so why do I feel like this still?" This is not a crisis of faith or even doubting His will or plan. Nothing even resembling that. In fact, I have been praying and spending more time just sitting in His presence... with the simple goal of spending time with Him. Sometimes, I have an agenda, things I feel really heavy on my heart... mostly people and situations I need to pray for. Other times I just show up with no agenda, just a desire to reconnect with my Savior. And yet, still I hurt and feel blind.

Ironically... I kinda knew this was coming. I had a feeling awhile ago that something was coming. I thought maybe it would involve pain, and I just prayed no one would die... (no one has that I know of).

Last Friday, one of my best friends from college called and said they had time to talk cause they were driving home for a wedding... And, we just talked. Talked about what was new, going on, things God is doing. It was a truly awesome time of just catching up. One of my favorite things about our friendship is how solid it is always. We can go months and months and not talk, but as soon as they hear my voice they know how I am doing, if I am ok, what I need.. and since they know me so well, they just get when I am trying to process while I am talking. I love that they get me, they know my past, my history, past issues and problems... and they have this ability to put it all together and it makes sense.

My mom called last Sunday just to talk. I have an amazing Mom. She said almost right away, "You've been on my mind. Are you ok?" ... "No." ... We talked for a long time just about everything, how I am feeling, what I see, the things that are incoherent, the illogical and irrational feelings. I rambled like a crazy person because I have no idea what is going on inside of me. All I know is the feeling, and describing it is so ridiculously hard. My mom did such a great job just letting me ramble. :)

Then, last night I made it to the gym totally excited and needing to be at the gym working off way more coffee then I should consume in 2 days... I got half way through my work out routine, getting ready to swim for an hour or so when things went south. A friend got a phonecall, we basically had to pray, then she had to go deal with some things. By the time she was leaving I did not have enough time to swim before Bible study... Oh.. and my comp is having problems.. and the newly fixed car had a check engine light come on... Awesome. I arrived at Bible study barely holding it together, but able to fake it enough to get to watching the video. Then, a friend sitting next to me asked if I was ok, and I had a choice to make.. Lie or be honest. I thought seriously about lying, and realized I saw her reading my eyes and lying would do nothing for hiding, and I shook my head and said quietly, "No. I'm not ok." She froze and then asked if I wanted to talk, I said "No, because I will cry if I begin talking." She asked if I was sure, and much to my relief let it go until after the video was over and most had left. We decided a starbucks run (why not get more coffee..) was in order. So, we left and went there.. And, once again I began detailing out how I was not ok, and I was frustrated, and I could not explain why. It was good. She has such a loving and truly caring spirit that it was nice to just talk.. we talked about ALL kinds of things, any rabbit trail my mind went down, she so lovingly and gracefully followed me through it all.

Between the several conversations I have explained, and other ones I have not (mainly because this would be the worlds longest blog entry)... One friend summed everything up and said "I think maybe all of this is God's way of pushing you to a much deeper level of trust in Him and His plan."

I think she is right. I do not like how I am feeling right now, but I also know God is working. That is enough, even in the midst of these feelings.

My Sandpapered Heart...

I have this weird feeling deep inside of me that is really hard to explain. I feel like there are all of these compartments of things God has been working on and speaking to me on.. and suddenly it feels like He's meshing them together. So... here are a few of the things bouncing around in my head... or heart... I guess both really.

I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?... Will I obey Him when it hurts? What about when I do not understand and I am scared?

This past Sunday Dr. Wheeler (a Liberty Seminary Prof) spoke about things that we tend to do or believe that really do not line up with what we claim we believe in Jesus... A couple of the things he said that stood out to me...

"Our problem with Honoring God is that we believe we can practice Biblical Faith and actually hold onto our lives at the same time."

... Whoa. I do this.

He also said, "What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."
This makes so much sense to me, and completely explains the "works" idea that so many people bring up.. Works do not get you to Heaven... But, the more you believe and follow Jesus the more you begin to WANT to do these things... aka the more what you believe becomes validated and apparent.

Another thing he mentioned was that "We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor."

... As much as I hate to admit it.. I think I have fallen to this trap in my thought process. How horrible is that?!...

He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.

My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over.. no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...

I was talking with another friend on Saturday night, and I was surprised by how open the conversation was. There was no fluff.. Not everything was described or said because neither one of us needed to know the entirety of the situation, but I was amazed at the answers I got. Nothing got built up to be more or less than it was, and our ability to just talk about what was going on without any judgement.. while at the same time just talk about how all of this applies to what is known as truth. I walked away from the conversation knowing and excited to see God move. I knew that all of my prayers would be answered, and God's story would be absolutely amazing... Yet, I was still hurting because I knew at the very same time, the hurt that has to take place, the brokenness that has to occur, and the serious repentance that first has to take place in order for God to take over and do what He has planned. In the end it will be great, until then it will be hard painful work.

So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."

New Perspective...

So, I have known most of my life that I lack a lot of compassion for stupid people who bring things on themselves. And, when I say I lacked compassion, my first response was to say "see, you're an idiot.."

And then, I went to Africa for Thanksgiving last year. While the trip was not my first mission trip, locally, abroad.. or even to Africa. I knew what to expect, I knew what food to avoid, what smells I would encounter, what to pack, and I knew how to go with whatever was thrown at me... Then Jesus threw me a curveball and I was not prepared... HE Himself intervened and touched my heart. haha... weird that of all things, I had not prepared for that. I mean I prayed for it, seriously prayed for weeks upon weeks that I would see His face. And then, I did and was changed. I did not see it in a child, in the people I met, in the voices I heard, in anything I could attribute it to except Jesus wanted to tell me something, He wanted to share with me things that I did not understand.

I saw what He sees, and I was changed.

Since then, my compassion (or mercy as some call it) has been totally different. I still (and probably will forever) have a bit of the "you brought this on yourself" attitude in certain situations... But, it is not even close to my first response. In fact, it is probably not even the first couple thoughts when presented with a situation where the person did in fact bring whatever consequence they are experiencing on themselves........

So, what do I think now?

Now I hurt for them. Mostly I hurt because they are hurting and broken, and while some know it, far to many have no idea. That breaks my heart. Now, instead of seeing their actions and focusing on that, I have begun to see and focus on the why behind the action. The whole reason they are doing certain things, and the reason they are unable to see the greater meaning behind it all. I have also begun to really realize I can see it in their eyes.. almost without fail. Interestingly enough, even when they are smiling and laughing often I can pick up that something is off.

Once (probably more than once though) one of my very wise friends pointed out to another friend, that it would be a mistake to confuse the fact that just because someone does not react to what is observed, that they did not ever observe it in the first place.

So, right now my heart hurts for those people who are hurting. Jesus is the only thing that can fix their problems. I am powerless. My role to play is simply to be me, to be in their lives, consistent, encouraging, loving, praying, whatever God asks me to do... But ultimately I am not the one who is going to fix anything, I am playing a minor role. And, I am ok with that.

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

Emotions This is Logic....

So, Here's the thing.. I am always one of those types of people that's strong. I have grown up pretty much my entire life playing the role as the stronger friend... I honestly did not think much of it, just assume it as my role, and I take it on with zeal like I do pretty much everything else in my life. :)

Here's what I know... God is in a constant state of molding me and re-building me.. Totally a potter/clay relationship here... I always can see His hand in things, molding me and changing my heart in various ways in a whole slew of different areas. Sometimes I am ridiculously slow at learning.. and other times it was pointed out that maybe God moves as slow as He does in order to make sure I am getting molded instead of broken... Which was definitely an interesting thought.. that makes sense at the same time.

But, at this particular instance I feel like God and I are dancing.. Blind.. well, no.. I am blind and He's leading fully able to see... Once this concept was pointed out to me, I felt something click inside me. Something inside of me suddenly recognized where I was fighting my Savior and I began to relax and allow myself to be lead. I remembered how unimportant it is for me to see where He's leading me, but that it is so much more important for me to relish in the fact that He IS moving me, and that through it all He is still holding me and guiding me.

I am in constant conflict between my logical side and my emotional side. Whenever I have a severely emotional reaction to something, my logic tends to argue with it in order to figure out where the emotion is legit, and where I am being a retarded girl who needs to check my thoughts. I tend to keep pretty tight constraints on my emotional side in order to ensure that I am not allowing that to rule, or react in an inappropriate or unfair to others way. I really feel as though, even if others CAN handle my emotional tirades, they should not HAVE to handle them... It is something I need to control and be careful of.. not something they have to learn to handle.

I mean do not get me wrong.. I fail on this more often than I would like to admit, but it is seriously something I am working on with intention. Lets be honest, I am one of the most easily excitable people ever.. and I tend to vent at loud volumes, but all that is different than allowing my emotions to control the things I say in that state. I hate watching people react to things I have said because of an out of control emotional response that I did not check with my logical rational side. I hate watching others do that to each other.. and the excuse of "you're a girl, it's ok for you to say out of control hurtful things" .. No, that's NOT an excuse. I know I am more emotional than most guys simply because I am a girl, I am aware that my hormones play a role (what girl is not aware of that?!).. but seriously.. that does not give me a free pass to lash out at people because I "feel like it" .. no no.

It is interesting though, because through all of this I have had several conversations with different people recently talking about this topic, and they have helped me hash out the why's behind all of it. I love hearing their different perspectives and realizing how in certain areas I am still very guarded and wounded because of things people have done or said... Which allows me the chance to see it and grow, allow God to change and heal my heart some more. One friend and I were discussing this, because at the moment it was pertinent information for our conversation. My friend told me a couple times that it is ok to be emotional I am a girl after all.. and my friend insisted they could handle it.. and while I appreciate the incredible thoughtfulness... just because my friends CAN handle it.. does not mean they should ever have to handle it. At one point in our conversation my friend pointed out that it is ok for me to rely on them and be vulnerable and weak...

Instantly, my mind I went through all the reasons why it was not ok for me to be weak and vulnerable.. Which, to be honest kinda caught me off guard. It has been a really long time since I have had a thought like that... Apparently, I am not as far past this trust issue as I thought or hoped, at least in certain areas.. (Dang it.) Because of this, and because I am an external processor I told my friend that I simply do not know HOW to rely on others when it comes to being weak and vulnerable. I am just used to being the stronger friend, the solid one, the loyal one... I am unaccustomed to being the weaker or more vulnerable one.. It is definitely an odd feeling for me. When I am hurt or emotional, my way of coping is to clamp down on my emotions, more so in an effort to make sure I am understanding the reality of the situation, and not just the perceived situation based on my clouded emotional state. Sometimes in certain areas, I think I do alright, but in others, I simply do not do well at all. But, I also pointed out to my friend they they are one person telling me it is ok, and whether they are right or not, I have had others.. potentially hundreds of other people either in action or words contradicting them... I mean, do not get me wrong, I have several friends who are faithful, loyal, trustworthy, and have done more to restore my heart than I can accurately portray in words. God has put particular people in my life to heal and restore various areas of my heart, and I am so unbelievably thankful to God for these friends. But, in any case, it causes me to be even more careful not to be the one hurting them, but helping them heal from whatever hurt they are dealing with. I realize that these other people are fallen as well, hurt, and wounded individuals.. healing and moving past those hurts is no easy feat.. it is a slow and arduous task even once you realize their reaction is based off of hurt and pain of their own, but it is worth it in the end once God has healed and made these things new in my heart.

Valleys and Mountains...

"Sometimes life is just hard for no reason at all."

That's a quote from Remember the Titans. Coach Boone's wife said that to him when he was having a low moment, and for whatever reason, I have always just liked and remembered that quote. I think that for me it reminds me that there doesn't have to be a reason for Satan to attack us and make life hard. He just does, and we simply are fallen.. so life is just hard. It's ok because God always wins in the end, but it takes longer than we like to admit, and it's harder than we realize usually. In fact more often than not while I'm going through something it hurts more than I think I can handle and it lasts longer than I expect.

I have a hard time explaining how much I hurt when my friends hurt. The worst is when I can read it on their faces and in their body language, and have no idea how to help. I hate that, and pretty much all I know how to do is pray for their hearts. So I do, I pray that while they sleep God restores, fixes, molds, shapes, heals, and gives them rest in Him. I don't know what else to pray for them.

On a totally different topic, I got into a.. heavy discussion with a couple friends over the weekend about letting people help me and serve me. It was a needed conversation, and one I've continued to think about, but it was also not an easy conversation to have. Mainly because it caused me to have to be vulnerable... which I was, but was not very comfortable with. It was such a great conversation though because at points it was very intense in the fact that we each were whole heartedly serious in our thoughts and responses.. The thing that I appreciated the most was that they listened to me, heard me, and understood, then called me out in the areas I should at LEAST think about, and things I needed to realize from a different perspective. They also handled my verbal processing well... which is cause for major kudos :)

So, in an attempt to take what they were saying seriously.. I realize I need to allow people the chance to reciprocate. I need to allow them the chance to serve... Not just "give them" things to satisfy their desire to help me or be my friend. I haven't a clue how to do that, and I'm not at all comfortable with it... But, I realize it's important, more so than I realize I think. Because I seriously respect my friends and their hearts and perspectives, I am going to really try to learn how to... allow myself to lean on others equally instead of just "suck it up" and take care of them.

I also have begun trying to think through, and work through my idea of needs and wants... Usually, I just push things I want aside because it's not necessary... it's more frivolous and not essential. Where as on the other hand, I pay more attention to needs because in my mind those are what I should be focusing on.. I'm not saying I'm completely wrong, but just that I think I need to look a little more closely at my definitions and how I cause them to play out. Specifically how I cause them to play out when it comes to friendships. For example, I do not often accept things from friends that are their way of expressing love for me when it's outside my own major love languages. That's really a poor approach to love, even though I tend to purposefully do all of them for others... *sigh* I clearly have a lot to learn about loving and being loved.

Lord, Please help me learn to not just love the way you call me to, but also how you call me to be loved. Help me figure out how to be a better friend, and how to accept the friendships you give me. Help me let my issues go if it's pride related or some other hang up that should not be there, and help me learn how to not be selfish or self centered when it comes to friendships... Please help me learn to humbly accept what's given to me without fighting it or hurting the other person because of my response. It's moments like this that I feel frustrated and like I'm failing at being who I should be... Thank you for your grace in this, and please speak to my heart, helping me learn when to be silent and accept what you are trying to teaching me... I'm trying, but I need you to help me.

I will wait upon the Lord.