Jan 30, 2009

Getting there...

So, first.. my birthday was great :) Got to sleep in like crazy, had a really fun lunch with some great friends, did some shopping, took a nap, went to my Sunday school teachers house to have dinner with them, then do some cooking... then back to Brits for some cards. It was awesome:)

Today, I got a potted Gerber Daisie plant from my best friend back home :)

Yesterday I remembered a conversation I had a year ago with an airport terminal check-in guy in South Africa. He saw it was almost my 23rd birthday and proceeded to tell me that it was the worst year of his life and why.. but reassured me by saying that 24 was the best year ever.. haha.. Hmm.. I wasn't sure how to take it at the time, especially when Feb-April was real rough for a few reasons... But, looking back it was actually a great year. I can't think of one thing I HATED or would choose to change, even the hard things I learned a lot from!

If that's the worst.. HECK YEAH!.. I'm not sure that'll be the case, but even if it isn't and I still have the worst times ever ahead of me, I know that I'm in the place where even if I go through some more terrible times God will be there.. AND use it later for wonderful things. So, it will all be worth it in the end!

On other notes... a couple obnoxious things happened today (really with in 20 minutes of each other) that threaten to ruin my day/attitude... But, I'm working on that, because at this point I can't do anything about it.. and making a big deal about it will cause problems and potentially threaten progress that I've made elsewhere. *Sigh* So, letting it go is the only real option that would benefit everyone in the long run. Why is it those types of choices feel like nails on a chalk board regardless of the fact that they are the better option?

Jan 28, 2009


I turn 24 tomorrow. I'm kinda excited about it.. even though I think it's the first time I won't get to celebrate either on my birthday or for the weekend with mi familia. Sadness for sure.

BUT.. I just found out we get our birthday's off.. so I finally will get to sleep in after more than 3 weeks of not!

Bringing Backswanza to VA has been fun haha :)

I don't feel like I should be turning 24.. Is it normal to not feel like that's my age? lol

I realize 24 isn't that old.. especially since most all of my friends down in VA are 26+ (except for Brit I think)

I was informed tomorrow I get to become an adult... HAHA.. Thanks Jason ;)

In roughly 3 months God will have created me 25 years ago.. weird :)

I can't hardly believe it's been a year since my last birthday.. since I just got back from Swaziland 3 days before.. since Ash, Lisa, Irina, and I went to the movies and saw 27 dresses (I can't remember if anyone else came)..

It's crazy to think of all the things that have happened, and all the places I've been, and people I've met, and friends I've made, and experiences I've had since last January.. Weird.

I love birthdays.. I always have. Not even just my birthday, I love doing fun things for other people on their birthday, for their birthday, or getting them something special.. Birthdays are supposed to be special and be important. My family always makes a deal out of birthdays.. hence Backswanza :)

Hurray! :)

Jan 27, 2009

Not the Prodigal...

Have you ever noticed how some people have AMAZING conversion stories about how God showed up, shook their life, turned it around, and now they are one of the most passionate God seeking and loving people you have ever met...

I am not one of those people.

Have you ever met someone who grew up in an amazing family and loved Jesus as a child, but "became wiser" and realize He was fake when they reached the age of all knowing 16... They have these stories of turmoil and fighting with God until they later realize not only are they stupid but God never left them to begin with. He never stopped caring or loving them. So, they too have these amazing stories about how God worked in them and through them to bring them back to Him...

I am not one of those people either.

I am the other type. I'm the girl who grew up knowing Jesus, knowing what He was all about.. and seeing it lived out daily in my family's life. Not once have I given up believing in Jesus. How could I? I saw it practically in my parents and the way they lived. The principles made sense.. How could I not believe when I've felt and experienced Him in my life? How could I see the Northern lights at 8 years old and not be in awe of my Jesus.

I had no choice but to believe growing up with a Dad who can sometimes aggravatingly make a case with evidence that makes sense and can't be denied. He could answer just about any question you could possibly think of from the Bible. Not once did I ever hear "Cause I told you to believe..." Nope, my parents were smarter than that, and KNEW that wouldn't fly with my older brother and I.. So, what did they do?... explained EVERYTHING to us!.. woohoo! haha :) Ok.. at 12 it wasn't so much "woohoo!" and much closer to "oh man someone got Dad going.. AGAIN!" But, I wasn't dumb enough to say that haha :)

I mean I've had natural "Where the heck did God go cause I can't see or feel Him anymore.." kinda feelings. I've gone through depressions where I didn't even bother to look at Him. I went through times where He lived in a cute little box that I ignored when I was busy. I went through times where I was so mad at Him that I didn't speak to Him. And, I went through times where I didn't understand how He could let me or someone else hurt so badly so I just felt abandoned by God... But, never once have I doubted He was there. And, I mean seriously doubted.. I've had the "How is it possible?.." or "what if I'm wrong?" But, inevitably the answer comes shortly there after.

"But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate." - Luke 15:17-24

I am not this son. I am not the one who has turned away, stolen, squandered what was given to me.. I am not the one who gets a party thrown for because I've realized my stupidity and returned humbled. Nope, I'm the other son...

"And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours." -Luke 15:31

At least to a certain degree.. I can't remember ever being angry at the other people or being upset because a celebration is thrown for their returning.. I've always just seen it as my testimony is boring and it's hard to reach people because of it.. But, the reality is that isn't the case AT ALL.. especially as I begin to realize what is included in my testimony and how many things I've done and the various things that have happen to me regardless.

I've begun to understand the idea that just because I am a Christian doesn't mean life is easier or better.. in a lot of cases it's harder and has more temporary pain. I can list a whole slew of things that have caused me to become damaged. But, at the same time I can point to Christ as the reason I've come out of it the way I have, and He is the reason I can now use it to help others or relate to them in different areas.

You see.. it's not that my story is boring at all.. it's just different. I've experienced some incredibly painful things that I would never choose to go through again. I've allowed things to affect me in ways that I should never have allowed.. and I've let people hurt me.. which ultimately has made me stronger, with a few more character scars. But, now I am seeing the beauty that is included with the fact that I have had such a long relationship with Jesus. I can rely on Him easier and quicker than I would have otherwise because of the things we have been through together.

So, while I'm not the prodigal son... I am the one who has been there and gotten benefits and rewards all along the way. I think I'd choose consistency over anything else, cause that means God's been there with me the same in return... and I've LET Him be there for me.

Jan 25, 2009

My Jeans...

So, this weekend was.. interesting. I went to The Revolve Tour in Greensboro, NC with 22 of my teen girls and 4 ladies I work with. It was.. interesting. The concerts were entertaining enough.. but, essentially like every other concert I've ever been to. The speakers were decent, aimed definitely at teen girls.. But, one was so good.. Chad Eastham. He spoke on "Guys like girls who..." It was interesting and entertaining all at the same time!

He started with:
Guys like girls who... are born. And as he put it "congratulations for accomplishing the hardest task." .... HAHA! I cracked up at this comment.

Then, Guys like girls. "That's it period. Guys just like girls."... haha also cracked up at this one!

All hysterical explanations, he definitely has a way of putting things in an extremely comical manner :) I was impressed at his ability to connect in such a short amount of time. My girls LOVED him and of course had to have pictures and get autographs with him.. I was just thrilled that he was able to connect with them...

But, his one example was, "Guys like girls who are comfortable in their own jeans." That really got me thinking.. Am I comfortable in my own jeans? You see, he wasn't talking about the blue cotton-nothing like the perfect fitting- incredibly old- torn jeans I wear every day, he was talking about girls who are comfortable in their own skin. Comfortable with who they are.. LIKE who they are...

His point was that guys like comfort.. they like being comfortable and they like being around people who are comfortable...

He talked about this girl he liked, and how he would go to all these great lengths to just be in the same room with her... He also talked about another girl who everything he is today and things he has done today he can trace back to this one girl in his math class who was simply being herself and reaching out to him when he had first come back from rehab and was trying to figure out who he was without drugs... He said she asked him NORMAL questions.. but the bottom line was she was comfortable, enjoyable, and was genuinely interested in what he had to say. She introduced him to other people, became friends with him, but mostly it was just the fact that she was outgoing and completely comfortable with who she was that made such an impact in his life.

I have always wanted to be that girl, the one who makes a difference simply by being in the room. The girl who makes others feel important because she asked how you are... and then CARED to hear the answer.

So, then the question is, am I comfortable in my own skin? Do I like who I am? Do I like being me? The simple quick answer... Yes. I thought about it over and over all day yesterday, I thought about how I interact with people, my passions, my relationships, my thinking, who I was and the things I've struggled with.. And, I like who I am (granted I can see millions of flaws, and my sin, and things I wish I could do better, times I screwed up etc..etc..) but.. I like who I am.

Chad talked about the idea that girls who don't like themselves become a burden on others because the more you're around someone like that the more you assimilate those feelings/thoughts.. it just sorta rubs off on you. He said it is natural to feel drawn to the people who like who they are, and are just comfortable with who they are... because that type of person begins to make YOU feel more like that. It's so funny to me, because I feel like all of these things my mom and dad told me years ago that I just sorta laughed at them and took it flippantly.. (dang it I'm a retard lol) all of those things were so accurate. I can hear all the times Mom and Dad would tell me how I project confidence in myself, and how they could see it affecting other people. I would just sorta laugh cause I was completely blind to my influence on other people, I just thought everyone had that affect, which meant it wasn't special.

But, the more I push towards God and the more I intentionally get in his face... the more I am starting to see myself through his eyes too.. I am beginning to realize the affect I'm having on people.. and it's cool.. scary because it also means it can be negative.. but it's cool because I can look at who I was years ago.. a few months ago.. and I can see growth.. Which is incredibly exciting! I love the fact that today I am more like the people I admired in high school than I thought I would be. I like the fact that I can make people feel important.. I like the fact that friends laugh at me when I call them and ask first how they are doing... Or when I go out of my way to help someone, do something nice, or just check in with them.. I like the reaction I get.. because it's like looking and seeing the physically reaction to love.. It's pretty cool :)

So, guys like girls who are comfortable in their jeans... hmm.. That statement makes me kinda laugh for a couple reasons.. one because he had a funny story to go along with it.. and two because I'm still single and ok with that.. which is an example of loving my jeans. I mean granted I have moments when all I can think is "what the heck is wrong with me?!" especially when I get that extremely condescending "you just need a special guy..."... Not helpful. But, aside from those moments.. I am content. I like the "freedom" and independence that comes from not having a relationship... Some day I want it, and some day I will have it.. But, today is not that day because I have other things I have to do, other things I have to focus on, and other people to pour my time and energy into.

Now, understand me.. When I say I am happy with who I am, and content and comfortable in my own skin, I am in NO way saying that I feel I've "arrived" and have accomplished my goal in who I am.. haha not even close.. I can point to things DAILY.. sometimes hourly that I wish I was better at or different in areas.. But, in general I have begun to realize that I have been made in the image of God.. I am not perfect, but have been given talents, tasks, and abilities that I LIKE, and that He wants me to fulfill... So.. who am I, that I can tell Him "No, you're stupid and wrong" ... So, while I can see all the areas I have to improve, I've begun to realize I can't do it overnight.. it only makes sense that I would be comfortable with who I am, but acknowledge the improvements I need to make as they come.. or at least be comfortable and enjoy my jeans since they fit me perfectly.. great length, perfect waist, comfortable style.. just with some needs for patches where I have worn holes in them from my stupidity and stubbornness..

I think being comfortable will allow me to be more easily moldable because I will stop trying to be everyone else and focus on being me, who I am supposed to be..

So, I smile because I am comfortable and like wearing jeans. :)

Jan 21, 2009


I've been thinking about Love recently. Not the sappy "aww you're adorable I love you" kind of love. But, true Love. What does that mean to me? How do I feel loved? How do I show love? How does all of that relate to Jesus?...

Well, first the easiest way to go about this is to talk about the 5 Love languages. I'll explain them first.

Words of Affirmation, these are the words you say to encourage someone "You're doing a fantastic job with..."
Quality Time, this isn't just being around someone... but actually connecting and talking with them. Focusing on them and what they are talking about, thinking about, and sometimes just intentionally going out of your way to spend time with them... NOT just simply being in the same room as them.
Receiving Gifts, this is kinda obvious.. but this doesn't mean huge fancy gifts.. simple small ones can do the trick too.
Acts of Service, this means doing things for them, dishes, cleaning, running errands.. basically anything that would lighten their load, and requires a physical effort on your part. But, it can be specific for each person..
Physical Touch, this one is obvious what it is.. but it's not just about snuggling or accidental touch. It's intentional and sometimes playful touch that can mean more than you realize.

Everyone usually has at least a small part of each of these.. but, usually have 2 main ones. For me, my main one is touch, and my second is quality time. It's no surprise if you know me either haha :) I hug all the time, high-five (for those less comfortable with hugs), or pat someone on the shoulder to encourage them without making them feel awkward. Or.. I'll sit and cherish the time that I get to have with a friend, I love the meaningful conversation, especially if we connected and more trust was established.

But, obviously just because I feel love a certain way, doesn't mean everyone does (which is sad haha), so I've sorta trained myself to do different things to/for people to see how they respond, so I can learn what their love language is.. Sometimes I can pinpoint exactly what it is right away, and sometimes it's such a modge podge of things, that I just have a general idea, and continue to do things in that general area. I mean think about it.. How selfish would I be if I insisted on only showing love the way that I liked to?

I've had friends laugh at me because of the things I do to show someone I care. But, I truly desire to make those around me feel cared for.. important.. special.. Whatever. I have also realized, it's important to try very hard to make sure I'm doing it with no string attached because that's not true Love. Often times, it's SO easy to show someone in a practical way you care about them.. it doesn't take much extra effort on your part, maybe a little inconvenience, but nothing so significant that it isn't worth the rewards...

And... even if it IS inconvenient or requires you to go out of your way.. it's still worth it. :) I mean, I really enjoy doing things for someone, and having it stun them or amaze them because it was unexpected.. That's my favorite.

What's kinda funny about all this is.. I am not always the easiest person to love. I seriously enjoy showing love to others, making them smile and feel important.. but I really struggle letting others do the same for me in return.. which is incredibly important for it to be true Love. And, I don't mean "I'm a terrible person you shouldn't love me because I'm a sinner".. I mean I often stay guarded (although I hide it extremely well), and I will a lot of times thank them, but come up with a million excuses for why it isn't something they should feel like they have to/should do. I can easily say, it's the people who insist over and over that they care about me, and the ones that demonstrate that over and over that make the difference. I mean obviously, who wouldn't feel that way? :) I think the worst is when I accept it outwardly, but inside allow Satan to take my thoughts, and I come up with a whole slew of excuses for why it wasn't intended or isn't a big deal. I'm really trying hard in this area to not only Love others, but allow them to Love me.. without reasoning it away.

I guess the reason I've been thinking about this is, in order for me to Love Jesus.. and Love people FOR Jesus.. I have to also accept His Love. Obvious right? But, that's so hard to do in actuality. However, it's essential, I don't think I CAN truly Love Him or others for Him without first letting Him Love me. Dang it..

So, my prayer is that He changes my heart so I can Love Him more. Which ultimately will mean I can Love others more.. Which is exciting :)

Jan 20, 2009

The President and My Thoughts

So, fun lunch today.. Watched "History" as everyone keeps calling it (as though every other one isn't history as well..). I find a few things interesting, and thought I'd share..

Being in the south with a President who is half black is interesting.. Some of the older ladies commented on their thought process.. which was less than something to be proud of. But, we talked about the differences cause I was beginning to seriously FEEL the difference being from the North has made in my life. So, I said I thought their thought process was weird.. and completely foreign to me. The response? "Well, honey this is the south.." as though that makes it any better... kinda like bless your heart (you stupid retard).

So what do I think?.. He's a man who is half black. I don't really care that his middle name is Hussein.. I don't really care that he looks black. I don't think he will save us though.. I don't think McCain, Huckabee, Palin or any one of them could save us... Regardless of the man in the role as president the world will continue to get worse, we will continue to hurt each other, people will continue to die, people will continue to go to Hell. How sad. He will probably do some good things, he will do some terrible things, and he will have to answer for each. Praise Jesus it's not my choice or job to judge him!

See, I had a friend (who is black) say that he hates it when people say "I don't even see the color".. he said that's stupid because he sees it when he looks in the mirror. It's not racist to notice someone is WHITE, freckled, tan, black, whatever. That's not racism. It's not racist to ask a white girl what challenges she sees or feels by being interested, dating or being married to a black man.. that's called curiosity. It's the same thing my parents went through with my mom being German.. she LOOKS white, but she's not the typical white American I promise. There are cultural differences and challenges regardless of color. Noticing that someone is white, black, asian, hispanic etc..etc.. that's not racism. Racism is hating them because of it. Thinking less of them because they look like someone else you know who wasn't good in your eyes. Treating them poorly because they don't look like you... Those things are all racism. But the reality is you can be racist against people who DO look like you.. hence the issue with the Hutu and the Tutsi in Rwanda.. they LOOK alike for the most part but they were from different tribes and thus hated and killed each other and caused a genocide! Now that is racism. Hitler did it.. heck the Japanese do it to other Japanese in Okinawa, or along the boarders where Japanese married someone who wasn't Japanese... It happens all over the place and isn't a problem that for some reason whites and blacks have.


I figure it doesn't matter, my life hasn't changed and probably won't change with having Obama as President. My job, my passion, and my calling is the same, it has no reason to change... I will love and serve my sweet Savior Jesus until it's time for me to see Him. I will try to show that, express that with every part of who I am and what I say. I will do my best to help others to see that and get that too. So, why would having a "black president who's middle name is Hussein" change that?

I really hope that if this is exactly what blacks feel they need, they use it to light a fire under themselves. I hope they use this as a reason to stand up to the plate and make a difference... But, with that being said.. I still maintain that some of the most loving people I have ever met are black. I know more wonderful black men and women then I do the stereo typical "lazy ones".. Especially after going to Africa.. I have never experienced people like those in Africa (and they simply aren't the same as the "African-Americans".. they are a very different people). My friend and I joke all the time about all the incredibly attractive black men in our area. And how we wouldn't mind having a "creamy" (a term used in the movie Australia) child.. and I'm not gonna lie.. some of the cutest little kids are black :) Especially the ones in Africa. So why would I care that we have a black president? And, if this is what blacks need to motivate them.. Good. Use it. But, remember he isn't our Savior. Jesus is still Savior, He still will return, and the world will still end.

So, to sum up. I don't care that he's black. I don't care that his middle name is Hussein. I just care that people know and LOVE Jesus. Nothing has changed.

Not the Goal...

So, I've been learning a WHOLE lot recently about the fact that I'm supposed to be focused on my journey not the end Goal.. I mean that's important, but equally as important is the journey that gets me there. Which, if you think about it makes sense... if I reach my goal but don't remember, don't care to remember or simply view the journey as insignificant... then the goal loses most if not all of its meaning.

Think about it.. when you run a marathon (not that I ever have.. or ever will unless a gun is to my head!) the finish line is nice.. but not AMAZING if I don't also remember how hard I trained, ran, worked out, the steps I took to prepare make the finish line irreplaceabley (word?) sweet.

I mean, think about it, in every day life, the things you have to work so hard to achieve are the things you are the most proud of.. the things you want to show off.. the things you are consumed with, and then find yourself constantly talking about.

So, why would my walk with God be any different? Why would I want to skip all the things that make it so much sweeter? Doesn't really make a whole lot of sense...

I love the fact that the things in my past that I HATED and were incredibly difficult while I was going through, the truly rough times, those are the most beneficial in the long run. Like working 4 part time jobs while going to school full time.. or trying to function and go to school and succeed and do well, while also fighting a headache for months and months that the doctors couldn't cure or figure out.. Those things help my determination, help me to encourage others, remind me that it's too hard to do alone regardless of what my instinctive reaction is. Those things help me to be so incredibly thankful for where I am now.. I mean seriously virtually daily I am amazed at how... easy life is currently compared to various points in my life (which also has me preparing to go through hard times again).. But, I realize that so much of that time I was trying to do it on my own... and it usually wasn't until I gave up.. broke down and cried (literally) then cried out to God that it would almost instantly get better.. I'd begin seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's things like that that make me wonder how in the world people do life on their own and choose to ignore God. I don't know where they find purpose, hope or the ability to bounce back.. All of those things come from God for me.. So, while I know I sound incredibly stupid and sheltered, I can't help it. I don't ever remember a time not believing in my savior.. exactly like I don't ever remember a time where I couldn't talk (and my earliest memory I was a year in half old!)... In fact, I remember my mom asking me when I was 2 if I wanted to believe in Jesus... I remember I was standing between her legs when she was sitting down, and her knees came almost to my armpits and I was leaning over her leg on my right side... :)

That is also why I hate movies with bad endings.. cause regardless of how I die, you die, anyone dies.. as Christians it is built into us that in the end.. we win. The good guys succeed. Good will ultimately prevail over evil. So, when a movie shows something other than that.. it doesn't resonate with me and it feels wrong.. like the story shouldn't be over yet..

So, my ending thought is, what are you ignoring in your journey today that you might need tomorrow?

Jan 16, 2009

Attractive Vulnerability

So, in the last month or two I've been really trying to figure out what it is that I am drawn to when it comes to other people and their friendship.. or in some cases what turns off my desire to be friends. Brit and I have had numerous conversations about what we feel we need in a friend, what makes us feel secure, taken care of.. essentially what makes us feel safe in the friendship. We've talked about characteristics of that friendship and what it would include and what definitely would not be included in a friendship where you feel safe. So, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on that...

Yesterday, a friend brought up the idea that without vulnerability in love all there is, is deep appreciation. That lead to a long discussion because someone brought up the idea that what about adoration.. which lead us to discuss the fact that it depends on if it's adoration towards God, or towards someone..

My thoughts on it (after verbally processing this of course lol) is that Adoration of God requires vulnerability.. love of God requires vulnerability.. But, that isn't the case towards another person. If I truly adore another person.. it isn't "right".. there's something wrong with that, and I'm not talking about the cute little quaint "aww I adore them.." But actual true adoration. You can't truly adore another person, it becomes false and twisted, and isn't a real relationship with them.. the only thing we are supposed to adore in the true sense of the word is Jesus. So, if I adore another person it becomes much closer to obsession, and I may think I'm being vulnerable, but in reality there isn't a correct relationship there to begin with, so I've created a false vulnerability.. one that would still allow me to get hurt, but it would be completely self inflicted and would have nothing to do with the other person, so it wouldn't be actual vulnerability.

Ok, now that you are starting to see where the vulnerability comes in, here's where it applies in the manner that I've been thinking about it for a while now..

For myself personally I will be friends with virtually anyone... but it takes special people to be true special friends to me. The reason is in my opinion I need stronger people as friends or I will sorta run over them and the friendship.. Not on purpose, but mainly because I have such a forceful, strong willed, stubborn, outgoing personality. So, I will be friends with those people, but I am also under the impression they cannot handle all the different sides of my personality (like when I'm mad :). I have determined that not only do I need strong friends, and by that I'm not saying outgoing extroverted friends either, but friends who are not afraid of my reaction. I have found that people who can listen to me vent, ramble, get excited, and help me process through whatever it is I'm dealing with are the ones that I tend to cling to. :) But, that isn't all of it.. I need friends who do exactly the same towards me. I need to know that I'm not burdening them with all of my issues and ramblings without also knowing they are doing the same. Part of that is it makes me feel like I'm on a level playing field, and part of it is that because they mean so much to me I need to know whats going on so I can also be there for them and take care of them in whatever possible way I can.

I really struggle when people want to know all kinds of things about me, without also sharing things about themselves.. Sometimes it can be as simple as a "20 questions game" and other times it just involves them randomly deciding to tell you something important to them or something they've been thinking about.. but my favorite is when you have inside jokes that they seek you out to tell you and remind you about, because it reminds me that there is a connection that only the two of you share.

I cannot begin to explain how special and needed I feel when a friend confides in me about something that is not to ever be public knowledge.. It gives me the special task of proving yet again that I am THEIR friend, that I can be trusted, and that I will hold true to my task of showing them love in any way that I can. I find it almost a slap in the face when someone asks me not to tell, then later asks if I've told anyone.. and their reasoning is that I just "seem" like the type that would let it slip.. Sadness for sure, I am not only good at hiding my own secrets, I am good at hiding other's as well.

I love when I am close enough with someone that they understand how I process through issues or what I am needing at that particular point in time.. and they are there for me. Especially being here in VA where I cannot simply run home, climb into bed with my mom while she should be sleeping and just tell her what's going on.. Or to sit with my dad at the breakfast bar or cuddled up on the couch next to the fireplace for hours after everyone else has given up, and gone to bed and just talking... Or sprawled on my brothers bed laughing and talking about whatever happens to wander into our heads... I don't have that here, and yet God has lovingly provided me with people who have been able to fill that.. obviously not in the same way, but in a very real needed way. Even down to sitting next to me on the couch and being ok that our arms are touching. Laying in a friends bed and laughing at whatever things we think are amusing or how funny we think the guys are... And then of course hugs which I'm still convinced make the world a better place, especially when given by a couple of my guy friends who understand how to give a good hug haha :)

People who are vulnerable are so incredibly attractive to me. They not only love me, but give me the opportunity to love them in return.

Jan 15, 2009

Thought Consuming..

So, I've been thinking about this lately.. What do you think about? What consumes your thoughts? And, I don't mean daily tasks like grocery lists, honey-do lists, or anything like that..

I mean what are the things that every time your mind gets a chance to wander.. it wanders here... In the morning it tends to be your first thought (after DANG IT I don't wanna get up of course)... At night it tends to be your last thought (after crap it's later than I wanted to get to bed..). It's an interesting exercise to let go of all the fluff and think about what consumes your thought process.. I mean I can say I honestly have.... at least 4 things on my mind at all times. They are occupying different parts of my mind, but there are always 4 of them..

There's the Conscious what I'm thinking right now the "top of my mind"

Then there's the "to do" list or things that I need to accomplish.. my mind pretty much always has that... kinda second so once I'm finished with whatever/wherever I am, I check it off.. and move it up the line..

Then there's the issues from the day/week.. These tend to be problems or things I'm wondering etc..etc.. basically this is where my mind goes when I let it wander on its own :) This is where I consider myself to "mull over" issues.

Then there's the subconscious level.. :)

So what do you mull over? After the immediate and the list, what do you think about most? I feel for me like my heart has a direct line with this section of my brain.. and sometimes it can be a wonderful thing, and other times it can be obnoxious cause it affects every other part of me, regardless of what I want to think or feel.

Currently I feel like I'm kinda sitting and being just in awe of who God is, and then my complete lack of faith in what He says He will do.. I mean I've been essentially praying the same prayer for a couple months now.. I want my heart to be broken. I want to FEEL Jesus. I want to see what He sees. I want to hear what He hears. I want to love like He LOVES... I want to BE who He wants me to be... so I mean come-on praying that same general thought pattern, you would think "man she's determined and really wants those things..." haha.. yes. But no, not really.. Yes I want those things, but at the same time I kinda didn't really expect Him to do it.

How stupid am I?!

Who prays for something for a couple months.. meaning it and wanting it.. but not really expecting God to DO it?!.. *smacks forehead* I'm a retard. How can you want something enough to pray for it virtually every day.. and not expect God to give you what you desire?..

*sigh* I have so far to go still clearly. Dang it. I'm just really glad He is patient...

Jan 14, 2009


Here is a great song that I have recently found that I LOVE, it's incredibly moving, and describes how I feel wonderfully :)

Jan 12, 2009


I read a book once (a Tedd Dekker book to be precise) and it used the analogy that sin is like black vinegar, God and His kingdom is like oil... when you start with a jar of oil it is easy to see through and the light shines through it easily.. but the more you let sin creep in the more it pushes the oil out of the jar.. But.. the two cannot mix, there is either oil or vinegar but never are they mixed.

I'm 12 days into reading the Bible through in a year.. you'd be surprised how many chapters they have you reading.. so far I'm on 24 of Genesis, 29 of Psalms, and 15 of Matthew... It's "time consuming".. but not really I mean it takes more than 2 seconds to read it every evening.. but I like it. I feel a sense of accomplishment, re-dedication every evening as I continue to read and realize how much I've already read. I am looking forward to reading books I'm not sure I've ever actually sat down and read through...

Can I just say how much I hate sin though.. I mean I hate it, despise, loath... anything that describes malice.. that's how I feel towards sin. I truly hate that it's so much a part of my life that I can't see it sometimes.. How TERRIBLE IS THAT?! How horrible is it that it simply means missing the mark?.. I hate that I miss the mark on anything. I want to be perfect.. perfection.. that's what I want. I despise the fact that I, for whatever reason have a laps of reasoning and choose not to express love towards someone or on their behalf. I loath the fact that when faced with the choice I more often than I like, choose to not show Jesus. Grr..

I hurt when I see sin keeping someone from knowing Love the way I know Love. I hate that they have so much vinegar in their glass that they simply aren't even aware the light is there.. or that there is even such a thing as oil. How terrible the pain Jesus must feel for those people.. for the things they could do but have chosen not to.. for the times they wouldn't let him love them.. for the choices they make that mean natural consequences must take their course.. How does He do it every moment of every moment.. and still choose them..

I can't even begin to understand, yet here I am asking to see with His eyes. Hear with His ears. Love what he loves. Hurt for what hurts Him... I don't know what this means, and I'm beginning to realize it means a lot of hurting and a lot of pain. That's ok as long as I know He is my light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want Jesus... but I get it now that I don't just want Jesus.. I want Him with them all there too...

I just wish the path wasn't so narrow that so many would knowingly choose to miss it.

My Words in Lyrics...

So, I can't find the words to express how I'm feeling.. so here is what I'm feeling and thinking in a list of lyrics.. (ps I LOVE that music does this :)

" Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more
Won't You open me" - Open Me

" I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now " - Hurricane

" Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity" - Hosanna

"This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides" - Desert Song

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, " -Shadowfeet

"Won't You make me new, won't You make me true
Jesus, won't You make me like You," - Open Me

" Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest" - Hosanna

"And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames" - Desert Song

"But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You" - Gravity

And I'm not going to question, why You're so faithful
Why that You give me the blessing that You have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown" - All I Need

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow" - Desert Song

Hmm.. Interesting flow if you read it at one continuous thought.. :)

I haven't been sleeping well for about a week now.. I don't think I've reach REM sleep at all any of the times I've attempted sleeping... more like that stage where you're sleeping.. but conscious enough to be thinking and aware that time is passing... So, the question is why? I can't say anything in particular is on my mind...

Jan 9, 2009

Things that make me laugh..

So.. I thought I'd post some of the things I've found to be hysterical recently..

"I didn't hit you... I high-fived you to the face!" - HAHA! I've definitely started using this one :)

"LOL - Lots of love, and sometimes Laughing out loud. Hehe - a polite chuckle. Haha - an actual laugh. Har har - you're a retard."

"Blind Orphans get EVERYTHING!" - Igor the movie...

"CREEEEPERRRR!!" - If you only knew haha :)

"Krista you are already hiding behind a pillow?.. the movie hasn't even started yet.." - and for the record I wasn't hiding it was cold.. and we were watching AVP which isn't scary lol

"You're back!"
"I'm always Back, but hopefully not forever..."
"Well we really would like to keep you as long as possible."
"..... Yes, but hopefully not as a Back.."
"... Oh... HAHA.. got it.. I'm slow"

"Can I.. Can I... Can I.. Can I have your number?"

"Girl the back of your head looks ridiculous!" - Which was said to me about my fro LOL

"501 North is going in the same direction as 29 South?!" - Maybe you will begin to understand why I hate the road system here...

"Bless your heart is the same as saying 'aww..you poor stupid retard'.." - You can only understand if you live in the south lol

Hopefully you got a chuckle from these :) I certainly have.. and this isn't even the stories or faces that have me cracking up all the time... :)

Jan 6, 2009


So, recently I've been learning a lot about community. Not community like "oh hey, all 40 of us live on this floor and share 3 showers and 2 toilets, and sing to each other while we get ready for the day.."

But, I mean actual community where you help each other, look out for each other, encourage, feed, laugh, listen... basically become family.

It's different cause my mom once said "Krista you create your family around you everywhere you go..." I kinda just laughed at her cause it seemed like a cute little quaint comment to make, but now I realize how totally and completely accurate my mom was :) (what a wise Mom I have! lol)

When I think about it.. community makes sense, we were CREATED to be in community.. the whole meaning of life is relationships... aka community. Adam got Eve because he needed community, God desires community with us, depression takes place when we don't have community.. etc..etc..

So, why wouldn't we try our best to create a community that serves as a foundation that we can stand on, and a place we can learn to be our best?

I think the biggest reason I'm sorta getting an "aha" time with this is because of the community where I live currently. I mean it's different lol Some call it a "Bubble"... but in reality it's not, it's nothing like the college I went to, and maybe I would feel differently if I was actually GOING to the college here. However, I feel like there is a solid group of people that serve as the foundation for each other, but then encourage each other to get up and go, serve, move, grow, reach out.. And, at the exact same time serve as the check to make sure it's all for the correct purposes. That the motives are truly from/for God.

But, it's interesting... What makes you feel like you have community?

For me personally, I need to know I'm cared for.. not just "oh hey how's it going?" type.. but truly cared for. I love sharing my life.. which sounds odd, but simple things like making dinner, getting together to laugh, watch movies, having coffee, complete tasks, play games, bantering, being serious, exchange back rubs lol anything really... I love taking people into my life and sharing it with them. I love it even more when they do it back and our lives at least in part assimilate together. I LOVE when I can be sitting next to someone totally silent.. then suddenly ask "why do you think......" or "How does God....." and have them take me serious enough to answer (even though usually they laugh first cause it's so random:).

I love that the community that is established here basically operates as a large family that lives 2..5..10 minutes apart. We work (sometimes together), go to church (usually) at the same place, live together (most of us), but then eating, and entertainment always include each other... granted the group is so large it's never everyone.. but little pockets that shift and change people depending on the night and the activity. And the wonderful part is that it doesn't matter if you know the people or the house your going to, and it doesn't matter if you were specifically invited.. everyone just takes everyone and invites anyone :)

How cool is that? I mean obviously there are people who are closer.. but I don't feel "cliques"... just people who are closer friends, but still love and accept everyone else. It's cool :)

So we do all these things, then seriously fiercely encourage growth in Jesus and challenge each other to reach out so others can know too..

It's exciting, and I hope and pray that you have it too. I pray that you find that, even if it' a smaller group than what I have (I've always been known for my people lol).. If you don't... seriously seek one out, create one of your own. Just make sure they push you towards our Savior, that's important.

Jan 2, 2009

Things I'm Excited About...

So, I thought it makes sense to explain things I'm excited about for this year..

I'm turning 24.. WEIRD!.. haha

I'm excited to see what God has in store for me THIS year.. since each year seems to be getting crazier and "further out there" :) I mean, I think back and 2008 was INSANE.. I made 2 major moves and 1 minor one, lived in 3 states (dang it for taxes.. man is that gonna be a pain!), and where I thought I was gonna be now a year ago, isn't even close.. whoa, I love how God's plan moves :)

I'm excited to get my finances stable for the first time (that counts) in my life! I finally feel like I'm at a place where I'm not two steps behind my bills... Between the basic bills and the random ones I wasn't expecting, I was feeling like I was barely floating.. But I realized a couple days ago how much headway I'm making on my bills and it was exciting! :)

I'm excited to read through the Bible this year (for the first time EVER).. Although, I'm gonna struggle with the "begot" section lol (Thanks to Phil I found a cool place to do that Here, and I have asked a couple friends to do it with me so I can do my normal "I wonder why..." :) And.. haha my poor dad gets to serve as my reference book (hey, if you had a Greek reference that can explain everything around and involving questions.. and to top it all off the reference loves you.. You'd use it too! ;)

I'm excited to have new adventures I haven't even thought of yet!.. woohoo!

I am excited about the fact that I feel like I have something to aim for.. I mean more than the basics of "Love Jesus, Love others." But, more along the lines of what Jesus wants from me.. I feel like my puzzle has enough pieces that I can begin to see my picture.. It's exciting! :)

I'm excited that I have the chance to bring missions trips to my work.. and I have co-workers just as excited about it as I am! :) Now we just have to get the board and our donors on with the mission and goals we have! :)

I can't wait to see how my relationships with my kids develop and grow.. I hope I get the chance to make a good difference in their life! I love talking and interacting with them.. they are truly special and precious, and I take such delight in talking with them and getting to know them :)

I'm excited that I will get the chance to travel some this year! (Around the country, and hopefully outside the country once or twice! ;)

I'm excited that I have a place that is "mine" where I don't feel like I will be moving soon or that what I'm doing is just the temporary hold over until "my real life begins"... I mean I want to be itinerant (a word that's been stuck in my head for a while now..), but for this particular time I am excited that I have a base place to start and call mine.

I am excited because I have an amazing group of friends, here where I live, back home, from school (aka all over the country now). And they are so good to me, and truly push me and help me grow...They make me laugh, and encourage me, crack my back, make fun of my cracking/sick voice, listen to me as I vent, listen and offer feedback as I weed through the muddled thoughts about whatever, and just love me.. I hope I can do the same for them :) I want to show Jesus more like they do :)

I am excited cause for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm "missing out" because I'm single... instead I see it as this incredible blessing that will last for a while.. I don't know how long, and I'm ok with that cause, I like what I can do now. I'll be able to use it to bless and help others, and experience things I wouldn't be able to if I were trying to also focus on another person's needs. I finally feel like it's not a "that is better than this," but more "this is a fantastic adventurous time... and that will be totally different and awesome too... when it's right."

How exciting this year will be. A challenge, rough, fun, exciting, a time to change and be completely different.. but mostly just exciting cause I'll be growing. :)

I've also included "Open Me" by Shawn McDonald.. This song is currently my voice for what I'm talking to God about :) And, again in case anyone has forgotten.. he is my favorite artist.. SO talented, and somehow creates songs that I feel would be what my heart would create if it could :)