As part of the leadership training at NCC, each leader is given a coach to help them brainstorm, lift them and the small group up in prayer, discuss things going on, and just be a basic touch point for anything that the leader may need help working through. Not that I am biased, but I think my coach is the best one. Ever. She is amazing, full of wisdom, wit, joy, and has such perception that I just enjoy meeting with her and talking through things cause she is able to cut the insignificant things away and get to the core or the issue. I am beyond blessed to have her as my coach!
Today her and I were meeting to discuss my small group, but really it turned into discussing the changes that have come up and are presenting themselves lately. I spent longer than I needed to explaining all the different things, the perspectives, the caveats, the emotional pulls, my fears, frustrations, and prayers about everything. I went through it all figuring if she did not have all of the information either she would not be able to provide sound feedback or I would dismiss parts of what she said due to her not knowing it all. So, I chose to be completely upfront about it all... And, I am so glad I did!
After I explained everything, and then answered a few of her questions, she asked if I felt I was in a place to make a decision for myself. Meaning, if God gives me the chance to choose, am I at a place where can I choose for who I am and where I am at, based on my heart's deepest desires, instead of feeling pressure based on others? And then, she asked if I knew what my heart's deepest desire is. We talked about how I have a serious need for community, and I work hard to cultivate it wherever I go, and how I also desire whole heartedly to serve Christ... I desire a family one day, and I desire to have a career that means something.. But, when it boils down to it, I am not sure I can articulate to God what I want deep down. I am not sure I can explain to myself or others what my heart's deepest desire is because it feels entirely split into two. With half of my heart I want to forsake literally everything and serve Christ as my main focus, the other half of my heart desires to stay (or go) where solid and genuine community would be found. I mean, I have wanted a family basically my entire life, but I feel like that is something that will come regardless of where I live, go, stay, whatever, especially with all the ways to keep in contact, and the amazing thing that is Skype. And, I have also wanted to change the world my entire life (well, since I was 7 I guess).
So, while I have no idea what is coming, my goal this week is really to spend a lot of time in prayer figuring out where my heart stands in the decision making of it all, so that regardless of what God calls me to next, I will know the desires of my heart.. Which ideally would be perfectly in line with what I feel I am being led to or it could be the total opposite, and serve as a period of time where God is calling me to faith and obedience above other things.
My heart's deepest desire for my life is tricky... I have a sense, but not really words. It would be kinda nice if God would "aha" moment this all for me!