Nov 7, 2008

Permeating My Mind...

So.. I had an AHA moment on my way into work today.. I love it when talking to God I get those :) I figured out why I'm such a pessimist when it comes to relationships.. I mean seriously, I am fairly optimistic most of the time, I can for the most part keep a positive attitude.. So, I keep trying to pinpoint why I am such a pessimist about relationships involving myself (not others).

I mean others can tell me plain as day "this is what's going on.. this is what we see, think.. etc..etc.." and I will have the most pessimistic view of it. And it really bothered me, cause it doesn't fit with the rest of my world view. I was convinced for a while I had a commitment issue, cause that was the only thing I could come up with. But, I figured it out today.. now I just need to figure out what to do with my new found information :)

I am not scared of relationships (specifically speaking of boyfriend/girlfriend ones).. I'm not scared of the work, the trouble, arguments, the sacrifice.. none of that cause my parents have an incredibly stable relationship, and I've seen them do these things. I'm scared, or more specifically TERRIFIED of what I have experienced every single time (obviously since I'm not married). I am scared of feeling the incredibly painful "your not the one again".. when for whatever reason I am not the one for him, not the right _______, not enough ________, too much _______... and I always take that and attack myself with it.. I beat myself up over it.. and every single time I've given over to letting Satan pervade my thoughts of myself. I mean there have been times it's gotten so bad that my dad stepped in and we screamed at each other cause I didn't know how NOT to do that.. and he was scared for me. (quick side note, while I NEVER want to do that again with my dad.. I've never felt so loved once I figured out what he did :)

**Let me be clear... no suicidal thoughts have ever entered my mind, I have never resorted to cutting, throwing up (ew gross) or anything like that...**

But, for whatever reason my thoughts become only negative about myself, all I can do is find my faults, and why I am not and will never be enough. I'm not pretty or beautiful enough, I will never be attractive to anyone worthy, I'm not smart enough, I'm too opinionated, I'm not kind enough, I don't know how to be submissive enough, I'm not small enough, I'm too tall and large, I'm not passive enough, I'm not compassionate enough, I'm not girlie enough, I can never be like her, I can't be like that.. just to name a few of them.. I go over and over these thoughts in my mind and I literally have nowhere to go, I can't distract myself from them, and I can't brush them off like I do for everything else.. I convince myself that I just need a little while to be "disappointed"... that tomorrow I'll be fine. When in reality it takes some serious intervention to alter my mindset. Satan CLEARLY knows how to get me. And, I mean clearly.. he knows precisely to the tee what I have no defense against, I don't even know where to begin to build the defense... Ironically without the "boy" in the picture these are not only issues I don't really struggle with, but I actually very much like the way I am, and am fairly proud of these qualities I posses (knowing I can always improve of course)... And until now Satan has done a really good job of disguising what it is I struggle with.. I mean common, clearly these things are not the same as having a commitment issue (which I was beginning to worry was the TRUE issue)...

So.. Now what?

I mean I recognize the issue, I realize what Satan's game plan has been all along now. Cause if you've ever been there when I've broken down into one of these things.. according to my dad it's very scary, and something he never wants to see again. SO, now I know.. but you can't just snap your fingers and decide that 23 years of something will just go away. That all the insecurities will be gone instantly..

So.. Now what?

Well, that's where my conversation with Jesus centered today. Cause, I honestly have no idea what to do now. I obviously have no idea how to Guard my heart.. which IS THE WELL SPRING OF LIFE.. How does anyone suck at something that is so important to life?! So, that's what I prayed.. God needs to do it for me, to protect my thoughts and emotions cause I don't know how. It's obvious I can't go through life like this... cause that would mean missing out on huge blessings from God, and a lot of inner turmoil. I need Jesus on this one. He's the only one who can clean out the decay and replace it with what I desperately need there.

My cry to my Sweet Savior this morning consisted of begging him to save me from myself. I can't do it anymore, and I don't know how to change. I am terrified of those feelings because the pain is more real and more destructive than anyone can describe. It's such a visceral reaction in my chest.. One that can't really be explained.. there aren't really words I can think of to describe it.

How do people without Jesus keep moving?

1 comment:

bams dokein said...

WOW friend...what a strong post. I totally can relate to a lot of what you said. We (most girls) are harder on ourselves than any one can imagine. All of the "i'm not this or not that" or "i'm too much this or too much that" is hard to get out of your head. We beat ourselves up on every little issue we can think of which tears us down. Like you mentioned Satan does do a wonderful job of disguising himself and knocking us down, so we need to give it over to God to take care of. Yes, easier said than done but stay focused on Him. You definitely will be in my prayers that God gives you strength and comfort to work through this. :)