Heart Check...

A little over four years ago, just before I moved to VA, I started this blog with one basic purpose, to give a place where my family back home would get to read about what was going on in my head and connect with my heart. I wanted a place for them to be able to "hear" things differently.

A lot has happened in four years... and I am certainly not even close to the same person I was then, but almost 700 posts later, a significantly larger readership, and an amazing chronicling of the story, I believe there is still value in using this blog to share my heart with whoever stumbles upon my post or visits regularly.
I still firmly believe it does my heart good, and the heart of those reading to hear total and completely honest things that are simmering or exploding out of me.
I still think it is important for people to be able to read the progression as I process through things.
Above all, it is imperative for people to see how God works in my life.

So, what is my heart check lately?

Ugh, so many things...

Part of me is in pure function mode. I do not know what to do with all the emotions, so I have resorted to function mode to get me through the chaotic things that always seem to usher in crazy emotions.

I am more than a little frustrated at the fact that I am not sleeping well, and still waking up a dozen times a night for random sounds I am not used to...

Sometimes I am so beyond excited and overjoyed that I am doing what I love. How did I get so lucky?.. God has given me my sweet spot job, and I am blown away... And then that makes me realize that I love my job.. what if I mess up? what if I cannot do it? what if... (fill in the blank).. And then I remember that God has sent me because I said years ago "here I am send me."

I am so thankful for stupid little things.. Like Friday I saw a blue and gold license plate cover for U of M, the license plate said "Vktors", and it was a VA plate.. I couldn't help but smile at God's blending of the two... This week someone came into my office and talked to me about DC for almost an hour, I loved every minute of it. I have gotten hugs from people I have only known a couple weeks, and hugs always mean a lot to me..

I am frustrated and completely sick of having to be careful about my hip (which thankfully is mostly just sore now and less a constant severe pain).. I am really tired of needing to ask for help, not even for any other reason than practically speaking it takes more time to ask someone to help.. and asking for help for things I should be able to do on my own, but currently cannot is tiring when I am not close with the person... because it leaves me feeling helpless, needy, and as though I owe them (all of which I am fully aware are not reality, but regardless, it is how I feel).

I GET PAID TO LOVE PEOPLE.. Seriously, I keep mulling that over in my head and it feels like I am cheating the system.. I am literally getting paid to love people, teach them about Christ and then how to love others in His name.. It is flippin amazing!

I miss my church and friends in DC so very much. Basically all the time, but thankfully e-mails keep me laughing, Skype gives me much needed quality time, and facebook/twitter/texting keep me connected for all the mundane things...

I am hopeful of what is to come, and soaking up and trying to learn as much as I can...

I do not for a moment regret nor second guess my choice to move back to MI, but I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge it was one of the most difficult decisions I have made (which is interesting because I am pretty sure that means more difficult decisions are down the road).. But, really I do not regret it; I somewhat revel in the challenge of it all and bask in the knowledge that God is moving, He is leading, He is gearing up, and we are about to soar.

My heart feels a constant mix of so many things, so when asked how I am doing I have a litany of things flood my mind.. I am genuinely good, excited, stressed, overwhelmed, homesick, etc..etc..

Farewell...

Saturday I had my DC Farewell party.

Let me just start by saying my best friend in DC is amazing, she knows exactly how to do things to make sure I know I am cared for. She has this way of just being the solid and steady support I need all the time. Words just cannot truly express how much she means to me, how much I rely on her support, wisdom, encouragement, perspective, care, and just overall friendship. More often than not, we look at things and find the same sense of humor in the situation, and I love that I can look at her while we are in a group of people and usually know what she is thinking or feeling... What makes our friendship even better is that we have known each other for a long time, but have gotten an amazing opportunity to truly get to know each other's hearts... and, it has changed me in all the best of ways. She has never been afraid to call me out in private, to laugh with me over randomness, to grieve with me, pray for me, and support me in everything going on in my life. I love how much I can jabber on about anything and everything or sit in total silence while we "watch" a movie, I do homework, and she reads a book... Or while we lay on a beach and just soak up the sun and sounds of the waves. She truly makes my life better, and I have a feeling she has almost no idea how much I look to her and seek her out when I need perspective or support.... And, to be totally honest, we are still operating as though nothing is happening.. and will likely continue to operate this way until we HAVE to say goodbye... ugh.

ANYWAY... On to my farewell party that she threw me. Such a great time to see so many people that have been an active part of my life here in DC (and from a few other places that made the trip to see me!). We ate tons of food, laughed, joked, ate some more, and just in general spent time hanging out. I was honestly overwhelmed by how many people made it out or the people who made a point to contact me if they were unable to come. Talk about feeling so blessed. It was a lot of fun to see some people that I have not seen in a while, and some people that I do not get to see very often, and just chat, laugh, bring up the same three topics over and over... somehow always working into the conversation perfectly, which provided more laughter.

All I can honestly say to everyone who has been a part of my life in the last four years is thank you. You have no idea how much you all have changed me, shaped me, loved me, made me a better person, encouraged me, and made me laugh. I am so blessed, and so thankful, and am going to miss you guys more than my smile lets on.

It really did not hit me until today.. I am moving, and these amazing people I will be leaving in two weeks. Oye. I was really glad that no one made me cry last night.. however, I did have to hug on, then walk away from someone who began to cry because neither of us wanted to "do this" at that moment with other people around. Then, today at church I seriously had to fight tears four or five different times throughout the production set up, the sermon, and the production clean up... Why do I keep coming back to "I am not ready for this to be over"? Seriously, not a fan.

I recognize that some people find my aversion to crying odd, and others do not get it.. But, honestly it has more to do with my desire to function and accomplish all of the things I need to before I allow my emotions to take over. I do not want to give into the emotions that are flitting around on the outskirts of my thoughts and feelings incessantly so that I do not parking myself there and wallow when I have things I need to do, and precious time I need to spend with people. There is a time for grieving and mourning, but that time cannot be here and cannot be now, because I need to treasure these moments, these jokes, these bits of time with each person while I can... Then, I will fall apart and allow the emotions to envelope me later. After the time here is over, and the last two weeks and whirlwind that is my life is finished, then I will allow myself to grieve and truly feel the emotions. For now, I am trying to treasure everything.

This is one of those periods in my life when I am way more emotional than I am letting on, and that I am deeply feeling things that I refuse to allow to be seen so it does not affect those around me... The hiding the emotions will continue to get harder and harder, which I suspected it would.

The one good thing about all of this, I am praying SO MUCH. Praying about leaving my friends and church here. Praying about where I am going. Praying about the people I will become friends with, and the people I will work with, and the people I will love on (there will likely be a lot of overlapping of those prayers and people). Then, I have been praying for God to help me and guide me, because my heart is torn, but likely torn in the absolute best way a heart can be torn... I have a job to do, and I have no doubts God and I have a lot of things to accomplish. I have so many thoughts, prayers, and plans for where God is leading me now, but I am still working through leaving DC when things had gotten almost perfect. haha, I should have known that was when He and I were going to move on to something and somewhere else.

Should be a great couple of weeks, with hopefully only a few minor breakdowns.

Emotional Compass...

So, sometimes I have these moments where I literally feel like I am not in control of my reactions, emotions, actions etc.. Like I am being compelled by something that is not from me. I am not talking about being possessed or anything like that, but sometimes my emotions are so strong they feel like they have taken over.

Sometimes those emotions are great things!.. Such as when they are love for someone, protection of someone, conviction for justice and truth or what is right.. etc.. However, sometimes they are really bad.. anger and aggression at someone or something that is out of my control.

Emotions take work. Lots and lots of work to refine and create an accurate compass. When I was a kid I had a HORRIBLE temper.. I mean really bad. I kicked my 2 year old brother off the couch cause he slipped and fell on my legs once. I tried choking my older brother because he said something insulting.. I mean literally out of control. However, even then I knew better because not once did I ever lose it in front of my parents, which means I was actually in complete control, I just chose not to be when I did not feel like it. Until one day my dad (after I had done something ridiculous that I do not remember anymore) came to me... got within inches of my face, and very calmly, very controlled said, "If you do not control your temper... I will control it for you." then stood up and walked away. I. Was. Petrified. And, from that moment on I "magically" controlled my temper. I mean I would lose it occasionally, but never again did I lash out AT someone. I learned quickly where my boiling point was and how to remove myself from those situations. Then, as I got older I started purposefully working to process through my emotions, actively sought out people who could help me process when I felt my emotions were the only glass by which I was seeing through.

To this day, whenever I get emotional or feel my emotions taking over I am incredibly intentional about processing and separating my emotions from my decision making. I have gotten to the point where I know I FEEL a certain way, but I also recognize the reality or logic behind what is going on....

Which has lead me to the last sentence of my previous post... I have to be VERY careful not to confuse my emotions and subsequently my actions for the will of God or the Holy Spirit. They are not one in the same.. and one does not lead or become inspired by the other. They CAN be.. but they are not intricately woven in each other enough to assume that my emotions about something must be the Holy Spirit laying it on my heart. Not necessarily the case.

Just because something is "wrong" and I feel indignation about the issue, treatment of others, actions, reactions, etc.. of other people does not mean God has tasked me with the mission to right the wrong. Sometimes He absolutely has.. but not always. And, I would even go so far as to say sometimes we assume that our emotions are or should be our driving force behind why we do something... and that is wrong. Stay with me while I unpack this a bit...

I have emotions about a lot of things, starving children in Africa, homeless people in NYC, inner city kids with absent parents, mistreatment of disabled people, disrespect of parents from their children, the abuse shown from parents to kids, the government forcing laws I do not agree with, people being sent to war over politics, the disrespect shown to the warriors and soldiers who are doing it for a variety of their own reasons, the TV evangelists, Christian radio stations, westboro baptist church... trust me, my list goes on and on. But, do you see the incredibly wide variety of things that can easily boil over into a passionate and emotional discussion about my beliefs!?.. And, let's call a spade a spade.. There are definite right and wrong in each of these situations, mostly on an individual basis, but it is there none the less. The problem is, just because I have an emotion about these things, and even a very strong emotion, does not mean God has called me to take up each of these crosses and follow Him.

I can honestly say that most of these issues have no other purpose in my heart than to compel me to pray for them.. for the people who it IS their mission and passion.. sweet spot and desire to take care of these situations and issues. Meaning, in the body of Christ, the hands holding the guns in Iraq are the ones actually tasked with that mission.. I am merely the mouth uttering petitions before the Lord of grace, mercy, strength, protection, and courage in their situation. I am the backup to their situation, I am not the lead just because I feel strongly about something.

There is a VERY distinct, but VERY fine line between my emotions and being compelled by the Holy Spirit. The line is easy to miss, and takes intentionality to learn how to see it.. But, recognizing this line is what separates the "new Christians" from the "mature Christians" (although these are poor word choices, they are the best I have to communicate my meaning right now...). I think more often than not we choose to take up arms and fight for something that we were never meant to fight for... We have chosen to waste time and energy on something that God never meant for us.. Even though it may be a "right" cause, we often let our human, fallen, broken flesh/past/history/emotions/hangups dictate us instead of going before the throne and making sure we are following God's plan and purpose. Know your role.. Purposefully seek out exactly what God is telling you your role is...

Let me say it this way:
"So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset."

- Exodus 17:10-12 (The bolded sections are to show you each various role)

I promise each person in this story was emotional, passionate, fired up, invested, and engaged in this situation.. But, each had their own role to play, and had they stepped out of their God given role based off of their emotions about the situation, they would have been sinning and a problem rather than a solution.

Your emotions cannot be your exclusive compass in regards to right, wrong, and whether the Holy Spirit is compelling you to take action... Emotions come and go like the wind, so cannot be an accurate compass. They are merely the first step in the process; hopefully they are the step that takes you to your knees to figure out where God is placing your next step.

Take the steps to becoming a mature Christian.. Look for the differences (sometimes subtle) to your emotions and the Holy Spirit's prompting. They feel different when you are paying attention, I promise.

I Get It, But...

I feel like I have had a lot of major things that are inconsistent in my life as of late, and while part of me really likes the changes and the change of pace, another part of me is just ready for something to FEEL normal again.

I long for my emotions to feel constant and normal again. I realized today, that while things are definitely better then they have been, and while I can see and feel Hope returning to my heart, I can feel myself really smiling instead of faking it, and I can feel the joy that has been so intimately familiar throughout my life returning slowly, through it all I am still very easily agitated. (I am so sorry to my friends who so graciously put up with me...) I also realized today, I spend most of my day being very ok, nothing being wrong at all... but, as the evening arrives and progresses, something inside me becomes very not ok. This has been my daily cycle recently... One, that I am really not all that thrilled about. It is almost as though the weights of the problems facing those around me, and the concerns and emotions that are going on inside of me are held at bay all day, and then I spend an hour driving home praying, and everything just comes out to stay for the evening.

I feel like I am in this weird state of being totally ok. I am content in being single, I am appreciating the new challenges my job is offering, and really content that things are at least visible and not a total black hole. I can see the growth that has taken place in my life throughout everything, and I am mostly happy with who I am becoming each new day. I am content and understand the slow progress that is my chronic pain, and the rehab that needs to take place in order for everything to heal properly, I realize and have mostly come to terms with the fact that I cannot solve the problems of those around me, but that I am just called to love them... and that involves spending a LOT of time praying, and I am totally ok with that.

I treasure my praying time, but I definitely am finding it more of a challenge in the state of my current emotions... And yet, at the very same time I am finding a stabilizing force I cannot explain, I have no real words to describe what it is or what it means right now. All I know is, it very clearly comes from my Savior.

There is a part of me that feels like everything going on inside of me has this barrier between my emotions and my rationale. It feels as though there is a glass wall between the two factions, I can very much feel what I am going through, but it is almost like there is a disconnect there. I am sifting through and working through hurts, pains, and insecurities all over again, but I have not fell like it has taken over my thought process. I can pick apart the various aspects of things I am going through, and I feel every bit of it, yet I can also recognize what is at the root of it all, and that alone is seems to provide the very welcome barrier. I find myself spending a lot of time each day just thinking through things and allowing myself to just FEEL what is going on, not pushing to solve or burry it, but just to feel it for a while, then I am finding that I tend to then spend some time figuring out after feeling it, what do I actually I think about everything... Then, I always end with a really simple prayer "Lord, I get it, but it still hurts, help me."

So, Lord, I get it.. I see how this is a critical phase of my life... But, it still hurts.

Emotions This is Logic....

So, Here's the thing.. I am always one of those types of people that's strong. I have grown up pretty much my entire life playing the role as the stronger friend... I honestly did not think much of it, just assume it as my role, and I take it on with zeal like I do pretty much everything else in my life. :)

Here's what I know... God is in a constant state of molding me and re-building me.. Totally a potter/clay relationship here... I always can see His hand in things, molding me and changing my heart in various ways in a whole slew of different areas. Sometimes I am ridiculously slow at learning.. and other times it was pointed out that maybe God moves as slow as He does in order to make sure I am getting molded instead of broken... Which was definitely an interesting thought.. that makes sense at the same time.

But, at this particular instance I feel like God and I are dancing.. Blind.. well, no.. I am blind and He's leading fully able to see... Once this concept was pointed out to me, I felt something click inside me. Something inside of me suddenly recognized where I was fighting my Savior and I began to relax and allow myself to be lead. I remembered how unimportant it is for me to see where He's leading me, but that it is so much more important for me to relish in the fact that He IS moving me, and that through it all He is still holding me and guiding me.

I am in constant conflict between my logical side and my emotional side. Whenever I have a severely emotional reaction to something, my logic tends to argue with it in order to figure out where the emotion is legit, and where I am being a retarded girl who needs to check my thoughts. I tend to keep pretty tight constraints on my emotional side in order to ensure that I am not allowing that to rule, or react in an inappropriate or unfair to others way. I really feel as though, even if others CAN handle my emotional tirades, they should not HAVE to handle them... It is something I need to control and be careful of.. not something they have to learn to handle.

I mean do not get me wrong.. I fail on this more often than I would like to admit, but it is seriously something I am working on with intention. Lets be honest, I am one of the most easily excitable people ever.. and I tend to vent at loud volumes, but all that is different than allowing my emotions to control the things I say in that state. I hate watching people react to things I have said because of an out of control emotional response that I did not check with my logical rational side. I hate watching others do that to each other.. and the excuse of "you're a girl, it's ok for you to say out of control hurtful things" .. No, that's NOT an excuse. I know I am more emotional than most guys simply because I am a girl, I am aware that my hormones play a role (what girl is not aware of that?!).. but seriously.. that does not give me a free pass to lash out at people because I "feel like it" .. no no.

It is interesting though, because through all of this I have had several conversations with different people recently talking about this topic, and they have helped me hash out the why's behind all of it. I love hearing their different perspectives and realizing how in certain areas I am still very guarded and wounded because of things people have done or said... Which allows me the chance to see it and grow, allow God to change and heal my heart some more. One friend and I were discussing this, because at the moment it was pertinent information for our conversation. My friend told me a couple times that it is ok to be emotional I am a girl after all.. and my friend insisted they could handle it.. and while I appreciate the incredible thoughtfulness... just because my friends CAN handle it.. does not mean they should ever have to handle it. At one point in our conversation my friend pointed out that it is ok for me to rely on them and be vulnerable and weak...

Instantly, my mind I went through all the reasons why it was not ok for me to be weak and vulnerable.. Which, to be honest kinda caught me off guard. It has been a really long time since I have had a thought like that... Apparently, I am not as far past this trust issue as I thought or hoped, at least in certain areas.. (Dang it.) Because of this, and because I am an external processor I told my friend that I simply do not know HOW to rely on others when it comes to being weak and vulnerable. I am just used to being the stronger friend, the solid one, the loyal one... I am unaccustomed to being the weaker or more vulnerable one.. It is definitely an odd feeling for me. When I am hurt or emotional, my way of coping is to clamp down on my emotions, more so in an effort to make sure I am understanding the reality of the situation, and not just the perceived situation based on my clouded emotional state. Sometimes in certain areas, I think I do alright, but in others, I simply do not do well at all. But, I also pointed out to my friend they they are one person telling me it is ok, and whether they are right or not, I have had others.. potentially hundreds of other people either in action or words contradicting them... I mean, do not get me wrong, I have several friends who are faithful, loyal, trustworthy, and have done more to restore my heart than I can accurately portray in words. God has put particular people in my life to heal and restore various areas of my heart, and I am so unbelievably thankful to God for these friends. But, in any case, it causes me to be even more careful not to be the one hurting them, but helping them heal from whatever hurt they are dealing with. I realize that these other people are fallen as well, hurt, and wounded individuals.. healing and moving past those hurts is no easy feat.. it is a slow and arduous task even once you realize their reaction is based off of hurt and pain of their own, but it is worth it in the end once God has healed and made these things new in my heart.

At Moments I Feel...

Sometimes I just feel like my heart is a ping pong ball... I don't know that it always shows, but I feel like it's all over the place, especially recently. Maybe because I am really tired, maybe because of new situations that have come up, new challenges that have arrived, or maybe just because I haven't had a chance to re-group, and won't for a while... Either way I feel drained inside.

I realized the other day that I have not had as much time with Jesus as I used to or would like.. That would explain a lot of the inconsistency I am feeling I think. I feel like I am taking time and spending it with Him just enough to sustain me for the day, but not nearly the amount I want or even feel like I need every day... Like I am on the verge of starving.. but not quite.

I have these moments where I laugh like crazy because I have some hysterical friends, they love me and it shows. And then, I have these moments where my heart just hurts... and honestly feels like it's bleeding again because of things going on. And then, without warning my heart will be back to normal... What the heck.

I definitely am having to do constant heart checks to make sure I am not freaking or spazzing for no reason at all. But, like I said, I am not totally sure how much it shows or is externally expressed. All I know is, it is there, and I am having to be very careful because, I do not want my emotions to be an excuse for reacting poorly to various situations in my life.

The thing is.. I am not really feeling the desire to talk about it.. Again, I am pretty sure it is just my inconsistency talking, and maybe it is just a surge of independence.. And, I realize I am an external processor, but I also feel like this is just something that needs to.. I guess float for a bit and God needs to chat with me about it for a while before I trapes off and talk about it with people.

Sometimes, I feel as though there are some people who have these hidden agendas when they enter into a friendship with me or with others around me.. Not hidden as in bad or with malicious intent.. just something they are not admitting to me (or the other person) or maybe to themselves.. I dunno. I struggle with those friendships or people I guess, in part because I think I tend to assume the worst based off past friendships, and in part because they require a lot of energy that I just simply do not feel I have at this point. I cannot stand being lied to, regardless of how tiny.. I mean there's a significant difference between telling someone you do not want to talk or the timing is just bad... and straight up lying about whatever it is.

Recently, I have discovered that, I really struggle when people try to push their way into a friendship or into me trusting them. It is not even on my terms or with my best interest at heart.. just whatever they feel, want, or think I need. Almost as though regardless of what I tell them I want or need, they have it made up in their mind what it should play out to look like... Whether it is with them directly or with someone else I am friends with. And, lets be honest, the opposite happens, I begin to want to shut off from them and push them away because it turns into this constant push for me to let them in and trust them, instead of a natural progression.. I don't feel like they have earned the right for me to share or allow them to take care of me.. I dislike it because allowing someone to take care of me is me being vulnerable with them. As odd as it sounds, I do not like people taking care of me if I don't trust them, I prefer my independence.. Granted, I realize there is a lot of fear involved here, and I know that, and I am ok with this because God and I are working on things from my end.

I sorta feel like a skiddish deer or wild animal, and forcing me to do something really is not ever going to work.. But, coaxing and allowing me the chance to decide allows me the chance to choose instead of being forced. Right now, I am tired and I feel like I need to fight to maintain the space I need... Never a good place to start.

I just need my Jesus right now.. That much is clear.

The Friends in Feelings...

So, I've been thinking lately about how wonderful my God is to me. haha, I know that sounds odd, but really. I don't really know if it's simply the things I'm going through and the things I'm praying to Him about, or if it's because I've begun taking steps to actually hear Him, listen and read what He has written me. But, what I do know is when I ask Him to help me, help my hurting heart, cover me with His peace... whatever it is, I FEEL Him do it. sometimes it's a day or so later, but I think some of that has more to do with me an my stubbornness and the fact that I have to remind myself on a regular basis that this isn't my fight to win, this is for me to give over to Him and let my Sweet Savior fight it for me.

I've also been learning how important it is to trust those around you. I feel like this is a lesson I keep having to re-learn, but seriously I have a tendency to have this feeling that I have to do it all on my own, that I don't want to "burden" them with my problems, I'd rather just deal with it and not cause them stress. It's a dumb idea.. like the Army's old slogan that caused their enrollment to drop significantly.. "Army of One".. no one actually WANTS to be an army of one. We all desire community, people to help us along our way, friends to make us laugh, those who love us to hug us and make the world better... Sometimes it simply comes down to stubbornness and not allowing God to use others to tell us what He has to say. I don't want my stubbornness to keep me from hearing my Savior, I don't want this weird "I can do it myself" mentality to get in the way of allowing someone else to show love. How dare I think I can stand on my own?.. It's dumb, and I know it's dumb...

So, what am I doing? I am really trying to surround myself with people I can rely on. I have several friends who have told me over and over that they not only don't mind hearing what I have to say, but they want to (that was an odd idea for me, even though that's exactly how I feel about them). A lot of times the hardest part of letting others in is the seeking them out and letting them know you need to talk, a hug or you need simply to have some time with them. I've discovered that in certain moods there are certain friends I seriously desire to hang out with because they have this air of peace about them... and I firmly believe that's because they so seriously seek Jesus and His kingdom. There are also times when I just want to be around people, but not talk, I know I need community, but I know I also don't really want to talk about it, so I tend to just want to be close in proximity to them, just be in their presence.

I guess most of this is just me wanting to say God is good, and I have amazing friends who show me that all the time. Thanks :)