I have this weird feeling deep inside of me that is really hard to explain. I feel like there are all of these compartments of things God has been working on and speaking to me on.. and suddenly it feels like He's meshing them together. So... here are a few of the things bouncing around in my head... or heart... I guess both really.
I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?... Will I obey Him when it hurts? What about when I do not understand and I am scared?
This past Sunday Dr. Wheeler (a Liberty Seminary Prof) spoke about things that we tend to do or believe that really do not line up with what we claim we believe in Jesus... A couple of the things he said that stood out to me...
"Our problem with Honoring God is that we believe we can practice Biblical Faith and actually hold onto our lives at the same time."
... Whoa. I do this.
He also said, "What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."
This makes so much sense to me, and completely explains the "works" idea that so many people bring up.. Works do not get you to Heaven... But, the more you believe and follow Jesus the more you begin to WANT to do these things... aka the more what you believe becomes validated and apparent.
Another thing he mentioned was that "We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor."
... As much as I hate to admit it.. I think I have fallen to this trap in my thought process. How horrible is that?!...
He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.
My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over.. no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...
I was talking with another friend on Saturday night, and I was surprised by how open the conversation was. There was no fluff.. Not everything was described or said because neither one of us needed to know the entirety of the situation, but I was amazed at the answers I got. Nothing got built up to be more or less than it was, and our ability to just talk about what was going on without any judgement.. while at the same time just talk about how all of this applies to what is known as truth. I walked away from the conversation knowing and excited to see God move. I knew that all of my prayers would be answered, and God's story would be absolutely amazing... Yet, I was still hurting because I knew at the very same time, the hurt that has to take place, the brokenness that has to occur, and the serious repentance that first has to take place in order for God to take over and do what He has planned. In the end it will be great, until then it will be hard painful work.
So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."