Will You Love Me When I'm Ugly?...

This is a thought I have been mulling over the last week or two.

Let me set the stage for why...

About two and a half months ago, I took the perfect job for me. Seriously, at this point in my life the job is totally perfect. The job allows me to live what I love, use my skills and personality and love people for Jesus.

The first month I was here I basically didn't sleep at all. Literally, even when I would lay down to sleep I would lay in bed awake for hours, finally doze off and never fully reaching REM sleep for the first month. -- Praise the Lord for coffee.. not. even. kidding.

The second month I became ill... As in I slept for days, coughed until my insides hurt with every movement, and finally went to the doctors two weeks later only to discover I had to get four different medications in order to get over whatever ridiculously-long-named illness I had. Once the medication was over, I was not completely better, but was around 95% of the way there... But, I had work to do, so I kept plowing through.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been working in the vicinity of 80 hours a week because things simply have to get done as soon as possible. During those three weeks, my great grandma passed away, and I took exactly one day (Saturday) off to do homework. I have gotten to roughly 40% of the things on my to-do list, and even still the things that I have gotten to are not the essential trainings that I need to pull together and create to begin implementing and training people for the changes in programming we are doing.. (GAH!) Did I mention I also had homework to fit in?

I have things to do.. Lots of things...

And, even in the midst of all of this, I have gotten negative feedback (and just to be clear, not all of my feedback has been negative). I knew taking this job would put me in front of a firing squad so to speak. I also knew, that I would have a lot of difficult times ahead as God moved and asked people to change, and as He used me in whatever way He decided to in order to do that. I also knew that it would be difficult to do all of these things without my close and best friends around to support me or to distract me.. or make me laugh.. or get me out of my own head.. or tell me that I am acting crazy... (seriously, my friends have no idea how much I truly rely on them).

So, back to my question, will you love me when I am ugly?

Will you love me when my patience wears thin and I snap?
Will you love me when I say something wrong?
Will you love me when I don't have the answers?
Will you love me when I make the wrong decision?
Will you love me when I fail?
Will you love me when I didn't plan something well?
Will you love me when I don't do what you wanted me to?

Will you still love me when my ugly is showing?

This picture is not to say or communicate that I am ugly.. but, this is me... before I am any sort of "put together."

This is what I look like, tired in the morning, before makeup, before I've washed my face or brushed my teeth, before my hair is done, before I have even had my coffee...

This was me watching my puppy play in my half asleep stupor... (How does he have so much energy in the morning?!)

Will you still love me before I am put together and presentable?

I am not necessarily looking for comforting words, I am not fishing for encouragement, nor am I interested in people feeling sorry or bad for me... Instead, I just wanted to push others to think. When I (or anyone around you) fail, will you still love them? Will you care for them and forgive them?.. Or will you choose to say things that are not helpful, give feedback that does not spur on to be better, especially before you know the full story or what is really going on. Will you come along side them and figure out what you can do to help?

Just a thought for Thursday.

Am I Ugly?...

I read an article last week about the latest fad of young girls posting on YouTube asking if they are pretty or ugly... My heart broke.

When I was in college the version of "Am I pretty or ugly" that a lot of my friends used was, "Hot or Not" ... Remember that?.. I hope not, because I hope like me you stayed far.. far away from that site. I did not venture even remotely close to that website because truthfully, I did not want others to rate me... Partially because I know my worth is so much more than a button someone clicks, and partially (if I am being completely honest) it was because I was afraid of the answer I would get... And then, I was fairly sure I would become obsessed with checking to see if anyone had said "hot" or "not."

Today, I read a blog by Pete Wilson, I do not know him personally, but I follow him on twitter and read his blog (love social media!). He posted a letter today from his friend Annie that speaks to a fear lots of women have.. It is well worth the read.

This has me thinking.. How sad that we (women/girls) are so broken and so hurting that we post videos to YouTube asking MILLIONS of others to tell us if we are pretty or ugly... At such young ages.

First, parents, PLEASE remove your daughters video, and spend some serious quality time establishing her worth in who she is because of Christ.. NOT because of her outward beauty. Remind her that she is worth so much more than that.

Second, whether you are skinny, fat, chubby, tall, short, big boned, blonde, brunette, redhead, tan, ghost-white...

You. Are. Beautiful. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are worthy to be chased, and you are a treasure because of who you belong to, not because of your perceived imperfections.

Do not get me wrong.. I have my days.. I have my moments... standing in front of the mirror wishing my stomach was flatter, my posture was better, my calves were not as muscular, my skin was clearer, my (fill in the blank)... I have been there (last week actually).. If I am being totally honest, I struggle with these same thoughts on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I have to stay vigilant in reminding myself that my worth has nothing to do with the extra weightloss I feel like would make me much more attractive... My worth is not attached to anything I am or am not, can or cannot do, have or do not have...

What if I was shorter or less muscular, would the guys like me then?.. No.

My favorite (I'll punch you in the face) question:
"Why ARE you still single?" ..
It always brings out the (worst) best answers I have such as:
"It's my violence that keeps the men at bay..." or "Because I'm actually a Witch (insert different word...) behind this smile and laugh..."

The reality is, only God knows why I am still single, why the men do not chase after me like they do my pretty friends (referencing the letter Annie wrote)... When I guarantee, my beautiful friends (I swear I have the highest ratio for beautiful friends possible) struggle with these same thoughts... The truth is also that, I am (you are) worthy, and I am (you are) beautiful.

Are you ugly? If you let Him, my sweet savior will whisper the truest response to that question: Not a chance.

You're Beautiful...

I heard this song tonight on the radio, and I just really love it, it says all the things I need to hear, and that every girl or woman I know should hear every day.

So, to my girl friends: You're Beautiful, you are treasured, you are sacred, and you are His. You were meant for so much more than all of this, you're beautiful.

Love you :)

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

Comfortable In My Skin...

So, I was asked today to share my experiences with being a "taller, bigger girl" with a girl who is very young, and taller than those her age ... haha... It sounds way worse than it was meant, I am thin, and getting thinner cause of my working out... But, I am ridiculously muscular for a girl and I am tall.. Which, compounding those also means I weigh more. If you ask anyone around, weight is not an issue I am self-conscious about. I have never had an eating disorder to the amount of starving myself or puking to maintain weight... I always consider calories, but I fight that battle in my head.

So, here's a bit of my story about being comfortable in my own skin...

I have struggled with self image (like every other girl I have ever met), especially through high school, and the beginning of college. It took me a long time to find "my style." All I recognized during that period of time, was my abnormally tall and large boned body compared to those of my friends who were all ridiculously tiny beautiful girls. I noted it, and tried to ignore it, but it effected the way I viewed myself. For a while, I attributed my issues with the fact that they had boyfriends and I did not.. "if only.. then I would feel comfortable in my own skin." If I could find just ONE person to find me more beautiful and cherish me more than anyone else... I look back and that feeling makes my heart hurt. Knowing that I was so focused, and cause myself so much inner turmoil and pain.. That instead of focusing on my sweet Savior I was focused on how badly I wish I was created different.

In my mind, clearly God messed up. I was not pretty enough, skinny enough, short enough, tall enough, my hips were too big, my legs were too muscular, my shoulders too broad, my athletic build wasn't right, my hands were too big, my hair too thick, too curly, my eyes squinted too much when I smiled, my laugh was too loud, my feet too big, my stomach not flat enough, my butt not big enough, I wasn't dainty enough.... How terribly sad to have my world view through those eyes...

To this day, I still compare myself to the girls around me, on bad days especially I struggle to control my thoughts... However, I have begun to be able to separate the thoughts in my mind (Praise Jesus)... The biggest difference is now it does not grip my mind like it used to. When I was younger, I could not look at a beautiful girl and not compare myself, I was unable to view her beauty apart from my own. Somehow somewhere I got a scale.. and her beauty was a direct reflection on me and mine... Now, after a lot of self inflicted pain, I can look at a girl and think "wow, she's really pretty.." and it does not automatically diminish my view of myself. Most times now the scale is not her vs me.. it is her, and it is me, they are separate. Her scale is her own, my scale is my own, they do not overlap.

In total honesty.. There are parts of myself I seriously dislike.. The things I do not like have nothing to do with the girls around me. These things are simply things I dislike. I do not like my stomach, so, I decided one of my big goals once I moved down here is to change that.. to actually do something about my dislike. I have decided I am tired of disliking something and not doing what I can to change it.. in a healthy manner. So, in an effort to change my view, I now work out every morning before work. I hate running, but since I am seeing results, I am content to make myself get up insanely early to run or do a core work out. I do not like my feet, they are ok, but I seriously dislike when people touch my feet. If I have socks on it's ok, and if I am close to them or know them well it is more ok.. but overall I am not a fan of others touching my feet (adding to it, they are extremely ticklish). I do not hide them like I used to, but I also do not focus on them.

Because I do not want to be ruled by my dislikes, I know that I have to be vigilant in where I allow my mind to go when I am struggling with the way I look. The thing that makes it hard, is even if I do not have any interest in a guy, I still desire to be found beautiful to him... Not saying I want him to pursue me or fawn all over me (that gets awkward quickly), but to know I am at least attractive... It is a bigger desire than guys realize. I have been and am still working on re-orienting my thought process on this.. and as cliche as it sounds, finding my beauty in my Savior makes a difference.. I am not even sure where I would start though in explaining HOW to do that to another girl.. it is a slow arduous process..

The biggest breakthrough I have ever had in this area, was when I realized how few times I tell others I think they are beautiful, attractive, hansom, etc..etc.. In fact, I rarely was doing that, even people I think are absolutely stunningly beautiful and attractive I was not telling them. My reasoning? Surely they must know it, hear it all the time, don't need to hear it, or just simply don't care to hear it... Then, it dawned on me that they need to or at the very least appreciate hearing it just as much as I do. This revelation is one of the big reasons it does not bother me for people to know I find them attractive.. guy or girl. Now I go out of my way to compliment the physical attributes of those around me. Which, lets be honest, sounds funny, especially since we are told that "beauty is fleeting," but the bottom line is, since we find value there regardless, being reminded that someone else also finds us valuable in that area... it allows me to hopefully at some point get the chance to help them realize their value is truly elsewhere.

So.. through all this... currently I am comfortable in my skin, I like who I am, and to be totally honest, my focus is just elsewhere right now. God has done great things and has changed the way I process through this.. not just my views. My looks are not really on the forefront of my mind.. I mean I think about it enough to put makeup on, do my hair, and wear clothes that work for my body type. However, if I do not have time.. I no longer feel self conscious that I do not have my makeup or hair done. I have decided that if I need to, other things need to be truly priority. However, once I have done all the typical "getting ready" things.. I am done thinking about it for the day, it no longer is in my mind.

I love my Savior, and I am content in who He has made me, and what He made me to look like. There are aspects of myself that are not perfect, but no longer does it effect the way my mind goes into self doubt and loathing. I can appreciate the looks and personalities of those around me without it causing self doubt or contempt of myself. I realize I am not, nor will I ever be size 2.. my bones simply are not made to be that small.. or anywhere close to that small. I am ok knowing this, and I am content with the way I look.

I praise Jesus for this shift in my perspective... I just hope He can use it to rub off on a couple other girls too..

The Mental Battle...

So, my roomie and I were chatting last night about random things... We have a tendency to do that... at odd times usually too :) Anyway, most of our conversation last night centered around the idea of our struggles and how we deal with them, control them, and try to move past them.

Obviously, one of the places we stayed for a long while was on image. Image of ourselves and how we perceive ourselves compared to others around us. I explained the way I used to view myself and the way I currently view myself. The struggles I have, and how I control it.

For example, in college I was much more on the obsessive side of working out and being in shape. I was terrified of gaining the "freshman 15" and so, I watched what I ate more than I had in high school, and I worked out a lot... It backfired on me when my pants no longer fit because my legs had grown too much muscle.. Dang. But, by my Junior year I was starting to see friends around me have metabolisms that had slowed down and they began to gain weight. So, I re-energized my plight to stay thin... I was much more on the obsessive side than I honestly think is ok... But, my thought process was I worked out so I wouldn't worry or struggle with eating habits... That was an area I wanted desperately to avoid (not to mention throwing up is THE worst illness for me). So, I did 750 sit ups every day, worked out for an hour to an hour in a half almost every day, and taught martial arts several nights a week... on top of working 4 jobs and going to school full time... surviving on 4 hours or less of sleep a night... Looking back.. not much of that was healthy from any standpoint... But, it worked, I didn't gain any weight, and proudly stayed the same size I was in high school.

However, once I hit my senior year I realized I was... letting that control more of me than I wanted in my life. So, I quit. I quit running (I always hated it anyway), I quit the elliptical (which was a 45min-hour every day I could fit it in), I quit doing sit ups (at least every day), I quit weight lifting (I've never noticed a huge difference anyway), and I only taught martial arts like once a week. So... slower.

Then I graduated, and life became this insane hectic pace I set for myself... between work, youth group, church, hanging out with friends, being a board member of a non-profit, teaching martial arts, and finding time for family... I simply didn't have time to work out. I LOVED what I was doing, how I was helping those around me, so I began to allow myself the ability to NOT have to work out in order to feel ok.. and much to my surprise... my size has stayed the same. I mean I fluctuated 5-10 pounds randomly.. but for the most part it's consistent. I'm still not sure if that was my substitute or just God's way of giving me a better focus. Granted, I still think about the calories I consume everysingle time I eat, and in my head I think about a decent amount of healthy calorie intake, and I try to maintain somewhere close to that. I also have discovered (thanks to my roomie) that food is more social than anything else.. I am never hungry when it's just me..

Let me clarify something also... Part of this working out obsession comes from my knowledge that if I ever become overweight or out of shape, my body begins to hurt terribly.. I AM one of those people who has to stay in shape in order to not physically hurt all the time. It's just part of my EDS.

Since then, I have swung the completely opposite direction. I have avoided working out in an effort to not lose myself in the obsession again... However, after a couple days in the last year of being in almost unbearable pain for the entire day, I realized I needed to find a true balance to the whole thing.. So, slowly... very slowly I've begun getting myself back into it. I've decided boundaries for myself, and somehow, God and I will figure this thing out...

So, anyway, last night we were talking about the mental battle we feel in our heads. We both agreed that it becomes something that we have to maintain a seriously close tight grasp on in order for it to not rule over us. We almost without realizing it will walk into a room and decide "I have nicer legs then her, she is skinnier than me, she has a prettier face, I have nicer hair... etc.. etc..." It's honestly very sad, and I'm pretty sure not glorifying at all...

For example, if a guy says "your best friend is stunning." If I'm not careful, I've suddenly allowed Satan to implant in my head "what he really means is 'you're not very pretty, your nothing compared to her, and he would never like you or think you're beautiful.'" ... Whoa. Those are some pretty drastic jumps... Way to take a very nice compliment that I COMPLETELY agree with about someone else I care for, and twist it to cause division, heartache, self loathing, and a wedge between God and I... in multiple areas of my life.

So, while I still hear those things in my head from random comments... or really more because of the lack of a comment towards me(sometimes what's not said causes more heartache than what IS said). I have really begun working at acknowledging the disconnect in my thinking and trying my best to clamp down on it. So, anytime a self loathing thought or one that could lead down that road pops into my head, instantly I chide myself for jumping to such a ridiculous conclusion... and then usually it's followed by some major prayer.. both for myself and the dumb thoughts, and also for the person making the comment, as well as the person it's made about. My reasoning is that I do not want a nice, sincere, loving comment about someone I CARE about to turn into a selfish mindset of self loathing and self pity... That's.. DUMB. It's an emotional reaction that's not needed. There's no reason to jump down that path, and lets be honest emotions are no excuse... pms is no excuse... My God is bigger than that.

If you ever think about it, pray for the girls around you and the mindset they are subjecting themselves to. The hurt they are causing and the lack of reliance on our savior... And, any prayer my direction is always appreciated :)

Beautiful

Let me start by clarifying some things... I'm using this Blog as a way of putting down on paper what my mind or heart is mulling over. So, since usually those things are focused on trying to figure out what's wrong with me, what I need to improve, what I did wrong etc..etc.. most of this blog will be those things. So, in light of that please don't assume I am an emotional conflicted mess lol These are just things God and I are working through that I thought might be beneficial for someone else to see and read too... If for no other reason than to know you're not the only one thinking it or you meet someone who says something similar. :) Enjoy!

What is beautiful? This is something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I think this is such a broad question... I mean here are a few things I think are beautiful..

These are flowers from some friends.
And this is a pretty tree I saw the other
day while driving home from Brit's house.

This is a sunset I saw the other day...


To me these things I just find beautiful. An example of how creative, dynamic, and loving our God is.

So, then what about for people? Sometimes I feel bad for guys cause they just have no clue about what they say and how it effects girls. Even the most well intentioned guy makes comments that are meant harmless or as an observation and girls take it to heart.

The word "Beauty" is found 31 times in the Bible, and the word "Beautiful" is found 70 times in the Bible. So clearly this isn't just a topic that means nothing to God.. So.. How should we look at ourselves? Cause clearly we look at each other and see beauty, but for whatever reason we are blind to our own. I mean I can look at all of my friends and see how beautiful they are, some have these amazing eyes that dance when they laugh, others have smiles that you can't help but smile cause they are just stunning, some have these perfectly proportioned bodies that when you see guys around them is clear is attractive to them, or they have flawless skin, some have voices that are so easy to listen to, and others have the types of laugh that you truly hear the joy in it and can't help but laugh too, some have beautiful hair, And then some of my friends have all of those things and I feel more attractive cause they are MY friend ;) lol


"but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful." (Gen 29:17b)
"She (Abigail) was an intelligent and beautiful woman," (1 Sam 25:3b)
The entire book of Song of Solomon lol
"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands," (1 Peter 3:4-5)

Clearly there are more verses, but these stuck out to me.. For whatever reason beauty IS an important thing to girls. I know that personally I want to know I'm desirable on the inside as well as the outside. You always hear it in church that it's all about the inner beauty which without the inner the outside means nothing.. it's vanity.. like a vapor.. and you can't get to Heaven by looking good.

But if it truly means NOTHING why would God have made girls with that desire to be beautiful? I mean it's not something we learn.. look at a 3 year old little girl who is all dressed up and is told she's pretty.. or the 5 year old girl who asks her daddy if she's pretty.. God clearly made that a part of our wiring.. The challenge is making sure all the wiring is working together correctly...

So, here's where I struggle... I view myself as average.. not super beautiful, sometimes not beautiful at all, but just average. Which is fine, I don't mind it :) Where I begin to struggle is when I'm told and complimented on all of the wonderful parts of my personality, character, walk with God, etc.. etc.. Told I am "the type of girl guys want to marry.." and yet I'm not found beautiful (no one has said that directly), but it's in the things they don't say.. Because by process of elimination if I am the type of girl guys want to marry.. and I'm not married.. or even close to it.. then there clearly is something missing right? And since the only thing they DON'T mention is the beauty that must be it. Right? There is always the "you're such a dynamic, interesting, and intelligent person it's going to take a special guy.." hmm.. I hate that saying cause it doesn't say anything... or when they say "I can't wait to see who captures your heart.." as though I hadn't thought about it yet..

I find that this struggle to reconcile this issue in my head has caused SO many problems.. The easiest one to point out is my lack of ability to take a compliment that I don't believe ("you look pretty"), I reason it away as them feeling like they HAVE to say something (like them being polite or something). It's only cause I dressed a certain way. I have an attractive ____ but not an attractive ____ (whatever those things are). Or, when the poor well intentioned guy makes a comment about another girl's beauty, the assumption that girls in general make is "she has that but I don't.." so we take it to heart...

It's complicated for sure, and I honestly feel sorry for guys cause they have to sorta stumble their way along trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with us lol

So.. Hopefully soon I will have found my aha moment for this, and I will be able to progress in this issue. :)