I have been toying with the idea in my head to change things up a bit... Shocker right?
Although really, the change would only take place online, and it would be in the form of creating a new blog and website for myself... But, it would be change none the less.
I love blogging, I love sharing my thoughts and life with the digital realm. But, mostly I love the people that my blog connects me to. I love how God uses this platform and medium to speak to the hearts of people (not just the one I write, but soo many others).
For example, I am considering doing something a little bit more like my online friend Renee Fischer, or like this collection of women, or even still like this blog for new or soon to be marrieds. Obviously it would be like these in terms of the fact that it would become more dynamic and engaging, but it would be in my flare and style.
Honestly though, my biggest worry against making this move is my ability to move all of my 700+ posts to this new site. I mean, as much as I love change, this blog is an intimate history and chronological description of God's story in my life... it would have to come with me. Although, I am fairly certain I can make the transition... But, it would of course take work and time to make the move.
However, the thought of making the transition and exploring what it would look like to invest more in my writing online.. I like this thought just because I have talked to people and received numerous e-mails or messages about how much a particular post helped someone. I love that. In the moments and times when I have nothing to share or I hurt too deeply to express well, I write and put whatever I can out there because there is a chance that it might impact someone else.
How could I say no if all of this work sews just one seed for Jesus?.. Or waters just one fertile plant? Or encourages someone struggling? Or reminds someone they are loved unconditionally? Or helps someone express forgiveness? Or gives words to the voiceless?.. How could I choose not to write if just one post has the chance to change someone's eternal life?
No, I will continue to write, because what if?...
The real choice now is do I stay here or migrate and give myself more possibilities?
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Jan 15, 2013
Jan 13, 2013
Why Help?...
I have been thinking lately about the idea of why we help others.
Sometimes I think we "help" those "less fortunate" than ourselves for credit or recognition. Not always obviously, but sometimes it is even just wanting credit from the person we are helping... Then there are other times when I think we are told to help, and we obey, but in obeying find ourselves feeling incredibly awkward. I have had several instances lately where I feel like God has told me to step in and do something instantly without question. Ironically I find I get incredibly awkward in those moments because I am purely following the Holy Spirit, yet I want no recognition, so it is almost as though I do not want anyone to notice... Even though the particular situations require lots of people around to notice.
Then, on a totally different side, we help people despite themselves. We fight for what is right on their behalf, even though we often are fighting them instead of someone else...
***Pause*** Let me be explicitly clear here, I am not referring to everyone or even close to everyone... It will be clear in a few moments what I am talking about, just stick with me.
Helping can be frustrating business sometimes. I mean really, I have DOZENS of stories of helping people at my church, some funny, annoying, frustrating, infuriating, and many more emotions... and it has only been a few months! Yet ironically, I spend most of my time helping by actually fighting for change within themselves; usually nicely.. but sometimes bluntly... and still other times I completely ignore their bad behavior in order to get them one step closer. (Yup, I just referred to some Christian adults as having bad behavior...)
I find that I keep having to remind myself is that this is purely a season, this is where the heavy lifting comes in, and quite frankly, no matter how I feel I have been told to go and do, and I have no choice but to be obedient.
My job, or at least a huge portion of it is to be a catalyst for change... Actually, if I am being honest, my job is a lot of things... But, mostly my job is to teach people HOW to change. Not because we want everyone to look the same, act the same, smell the same (ew), or speak the same.. But because we want everyone to serve as God has made them uniquely and specifically to do. We want everyone to grow in a way that speaks to their own hearts and minds. A Christ follower should be serving and growing constantly, and in order to do that, we have to change... constantly.
Yet, if we have not ever been in a place or position that has forced change, we tend to stay mostly the same. Sometimes staying the same is reflected in our hair (clearly not mine), our manner of speaking or in the case of "the church" it comes in the form of our comfort zones and the places we are terrified to touch or go. So, my job is to create the space and opportunity for people to learn how to change... I work to give them the tools that will make the process one that each person understands how it works on their level. What makes creating space for change difficult is that, it looks as different as each person that attends our church... which means that everything I do to create space and encourage growth becomes a full frontal assault to someone no matter what I do.
Thankfully (not even joking), the Lord has been with me, and in moments where I was about to lose it on some poor afraid of change soul, God intervened and took care of me and the person I was engaged with. In some instances I was able to clearly see the words and actions for what they were, nervousness. In other cases I was able to respond to what they meant instead of what they were saying. While still other instances, I was given the gift of silence.. No really, for me that does not come easily or often...
I have also been thinking about all of the minor little things I do every. single. day. to help institute change in the hearts of the hundreds of people who attend my church, and subsequently the hundreds of people they have then contact with on a regular basis outside of "the church"... Cause let's be honest here, it only will mean something if the people who currently go to my church learn to grow and change, and then in turn reach out to those they have contact with who do not currently go to church or know Christ.
What I have also been thinking of is how no matter what I do, someone doesn't like it, while at the very same time it is an answer to someone else's prayers. How bizarre... And, talk about having to know where you are going, why you are headed in that direction, and then on-top of it all pray.. lots.
So, if it is so difficult sometimes, why do I help? Because I care. Genuinely. Deep down in my very core, in every fiber of who I am, I care. I was made to care, I was broken to have compassion, I care what happens in your eternal destination. I care what happens to the eternal destinations of the hundreds of people in your sphere of influence. It matters to me that each person be pushed to in turn learn why it matters that they help.
And, no matter what people think or say, I can, and will change the world.
Not me as in Krista by herself, in her own strength; but, "me" as in God created me uniquely and specifically, and He is going to use me to make His kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven unlike anyone else. Just like He will use each one of us to do the exact same thing, especially if we intentionally bow and bend our hearts towards Him.
Why do I help others in the joy, fun, exciting, frustrating, awkward, infuriating, and uncertain things? Because God has told me to. There is no other reason.
Sometimes I think we "help" those "less fortunate" than ourselves for credit or recognition. Not always obviously, but sometimes it is even just wanting credit from the person we are helping... Then there are other times when I think we are told to help, and we obey, but in obeying find ourselves feeling incredibly awkward. I have had several instances lately where I feel like God has told me to step in and do something instantly without question. Ironically I find I get incredibly awkward in those moments because I am purely following the Holy Spirit, yet I want no recognition, so it is almost as though I do not want anyone to notice... Even though the particular situations require lots of people around to notice.
Then, on a totally different side, we help people despite themselves. We fight for what is right on their behalf, even though we often are fighting them instead of someone else...
***Pause*** Let me be explicitly clear here, I am not referring to everyone or even close to everyone... It will be clear in a few moments what I am talking about, just stick with me.
Helping can be frustrating business sometimes. I mean really, I have DOZENS of stories of helping people at my church, some funny, annoying, frustrating, infuriating, and many more emotions... and it has only been a few months! Yet ironically, I spend most of my time helping by actually fighting for change within themselves; usually nicely.. but sometimes bluntly... and still other times I completely ignore their bad behavior in order to get them one step closer. (Yup, I just referred to some Christian adults as having bad behavior...)
I find that I keep having to remind myself is that this is purely a season, this is where the heavy lifting comes in, and quite frankly, no matter how I feel I have been told to go and do, and I have no choice but to be obedient.
My job, or at least a huge portion of it is to be a catalyst for change... Actually, if I am being honest, my job is a lot of things... But, mostly my job is to teach people HOW to change. Not because we want everyone to look the same, act the same, smell the same (ew), or speak the same.. But because we want everyone to serve as God has made them uniquely and specifically to do. We want everyone to grow in a way that speaks to their own hearts and minds. A Christ follower should be serving and growing constantly, and in order to do that, we have to change... constantly.
Yet, if we have not ever been in a place or position that has forced change, we tend to stay mostly the same. Sometimes staying the same is reflected in our hair (clearly not mine), our manner of speaking or in the case of "the church" it comes in the form of our comfort zones and the places we are terrified to touch or go. So, my job is to create the space and opportunity for people to learn how to change... I work to give them the tools that will make the process one that each person understands how it works on their level. What makes creating space for change difficult is that, it looks as different as each person that attends our church... which means that everything I do to create space and encourage growth becomes a full frontal assault to someone no matter what I do.
Thankfully (not even joking), the Lord has been with me, and in moments where I was about to lose it on some poor afraid of change soul, God intervened and took care of me and the person I was engaged with. In some instances I was able to clearly see the words and actions for what they were, nervousness. In other cases I was able to respond to what they meant instead of what they were saying. While still other instances, I was given the gift of silence.. No really, for me that does not come easily or often...
I have also been thinking about all of the minor little things I do every. single. day. to help institute change in the hearts of the hundreds of people who attend my church, and subsequently the hundreds of people they have then contact with on a regular basis outside of "the church"... Cause let's be honest here, it only will mean something if the people who currently go to my church learn to grow and change, and then in turn reach out to those they have contact with who do not currently go to church or know Christ.
What I have also been thinking of is how no matter what I do, someone doesn't like it, while at the very same time it is an answer to someone else's prayers. How bizarre... And, talk about having to know where you are going, why you are headed in that direction, and then on-top of it all pray.. lots.
So, if it is so difficult sometimes, why do I help? Because I care. Genuinely. Deep down in my very core, in every fiber of who I am, I care. I was made to care, I was broken to have compassion, I care what happens in your eternal destination. I care what happens to the eternal destinations of the hundreds of people in your sphere of influence. It matters to me that each person be pushed to in turn learn why it matters that they help.
And, no matter what people think or say, I can, and will change the world.
Not me as in Krista by herself, in her own strength; but, "me" as in God created me uniquely and specifically, and He is going to use me to make His kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven unlike anyone else. Just like He will use each one of us to do the exact same thing, especially if we intentionally bow and bend our hearts towards Him.
Why do I help others in the joy, fun, exciting, frustrating, awkward, infuriating, and uncertain things? Because God has told me to. There is no other reason.
Jan 6, 2013
Tired Change...
I am ridiculously tired right now.
I have spent the last three days directing, helping, and providing food and getting supplies for more than a dozen volunteers as we re-vamped the lobby/foyer area of my church and the sanctuary.
It. Looks. Awesome.
Seriously, I am so excited, and I am even more excited at knowing we are not finished, but that each additional thing we do is icing on the incredibly cool cake!
However, throughout it all, talk about a trying and tiring time! Thankfully the first two days went smoothly, we had lots of volunteers, laughter, and the majority of the work went smoothly... As is the case however, after working for more than 12 hours both Thursday and Friday, by Friday night me, my body, my homework, and my puppy were all suffering.
My puppy had spent two full days at this point in his crate with me home basically long enough to feed him, water him, and take him out for a potty break... needless to say he was an emotional almost 70lb wreck, and I was an exhausted and aching owner with homework to do and nothing but sleeping on my mind... It was a very poor combination that lead to multiple potty disasters Friday night and Saturday morning.
By Saturday morning I had basically not slept at all, my puppy had additional potty disasters, and I yelled, scrubbed, and held back tears... Then headed out to get supplies and start the last day of reconstruction.... Which had lots of difficulty getting things back together, directing the chaos, and figuring out how to manage the worse than terrible mood I was in. It wasn't a pretty moment (or hours worth of moments) inside my head or heart Saturday morning.
Thankfully, everyone around me was filled with grace, and the Lord didn't fail me in my petitions for help. We had lots of help that got everything together much earlier than I had hoped for... a friend took the pups to allow her dog to tucker him out, and I was able to see the completion of the project looking FABULOUS!
Saturday night I climbed into bed at 9pm.. fell asleep after some reading and homework at 10pm...... and promptly woke up at 1am. Heard a loud crash in the bathroom a few minutes after I woke up that scared both the pups and I (thank you suction cup holding up the razor), so I decided to take the pups out for a potty break..... which also included a potty disaster on the way to the door. -- Seriously, I might not survive this stage. Then I fell asleep about 45 minutes later..
Words simply cannot express how thankful I am that the majority of the response to the changes were positive, and those that disliked it kept it to themselves that I am aware of. Afterwards the pups and I packed up and headed to my parents house so he could get worn out even more, and I could get some time with my family...
Now, Sunday evening, after putting in upwards of 50 hours of work in 4 days, my entire body hurts and is sore, and my mind is swimming with fog. So, I wrap up my "weekend" with a cup of sleepytime tea, frozen berries, homework, facebook, blogs, and then some reading before I pass out...
Change is tiring!
I have spent the last three days directing, helping, and providing food and getting supplies for more than a dozen volunteers as we re-vamped the lobby/foyer area of my church and the sanctuary.
It. Looks. Awesome.
Seriously, I am so excited, and I am even more excited at knowing we are not finished, but that each additional thing we do is icing on the incredibly cool cake!
However, throughout it all, talk about a trying and tiring time! Thankfully the first two days went smoothly, we had lots of volunteers, laughter, and the majority of the work went smoothly... As is the case however, after working for more than 12 hours both Thursday and Friday, by Friday night me, my body, my homework, and my puppy were all suffering.
My puppy had spent two full days at this point in his crate with me home basically long enough to feed him, water him, and take him out for a potty break... needless to say he was an emotional almost 70lb wreck, and I was an exhausted and aching owner with homework to do and nothing but sleeping on my mind... It was a very poor combination that lead to multiple potty disasters Friday night and Saturday morning.
By Saturday morning I had basically not slept at all, my puppy had additional potty disasters, and I yelled, scrubbed, and held back tears... Then headed out to get supplies and start the last day of reconstruction.... Which had lots of difficulty getting things back together, directing the chaos, and figuring out how to manage the worse than terrible mood I was in. It wasn't a pretty moment (or hours worth of moments) inside my head or heart Saturday morning.
Thankfully, everyone around me was filled with grace, and the Lord didn't fail me in my petitions for help. We had lots of help that got everything together much earlier than I had hoped for... a friend took the pups to allow her dog to tucker him out, and I was able to see the completion of the project looking FABULOUS!
Saturday night I climbed into bed at 9pm.. fell asleep after some reading and homework at 10pm...... and promptly woke up at 1am. Heard a loud crash in the bathroom a few minutes after I woke up that scared both the pups and I (thank you suction cup holding up the razor), so I decided to take the pups out for a potty break..... which also included a potty disaster on the way to the door. -- Seriously, I might not survive this stage. Then I fell asleep about 45 minutes later..
Words simply cannot express how thankful I am that the majority of the response to the changes were positive, and those that disliked it kept it to themselves that I am aware of. Afterwards the pups and I packed up and headed to my parents house so he could get worn out even more, and I could get some time with my family...
Now, Sunday evening, after putting in upwards of 50 hours of work in 4 days, my entire body hurts and is sore, and my mind is swimming with fog. So, I wrap up my "weekend" with a cup of sleepytime tea, frozen berries, homework, facebook, blogs, and then some reading before I pass out...
Change is tiring!
Dec 22, 2012
2012 Wrap-Up...
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| Virginia Beach at night |
I have been blogging since I was 18... Basically since blogging began "back in the day" haha.. However, I switched from my Xanga (what?!) to this one in 2008 when I moved to Central VA. Here are the previous year's in review posts:
2008 - Who Were YOU a Year Ago?
2009 - The Year I Was 24
2010 - 2010... Never Again...
2011 - Hello, Good-Bye 2011...
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| DC |
(This gives a great view of how much my writing and views have changes and grown due to experiences, trials, friends, etc..) What a crazy thing to look back and read the year end reviews.
In the early part of 2013 I will post my goals for the year and some of my thoughts on where I feel like God is or is not leading me.
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| Power of Propaganda - Holocaust Museum |
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| Favorite Memorial |
I had a few goals or "resolutions" going into 2012:
I wanted to exercise more compassion, grace, mercy, and love than I have in years past.
I wanted to diligently complete the next year of my double masters program.
I want to work better at controlling my mouth.
I wanted to draw closer to my sweet Jesus Christ, I want to learn more about who He is, and subsequently who I am supposed to be...
I wanted to learn how to love people on behalf of him better this year...
And then, I ended with saying "Now to pray them into existence" ... Boy did I have little idea at the time how much of this year would revolve around prayer...
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| New Years Eve |
A relationship I was "seeing where it goes" ended.. lamely, but it was definitely for the best, even if the reason given was over text message, and late came out to not actually be the real reason. I am thankful that even though it hurt, I learned so much about dating. -- This also was the start to just being satisfied with my single path that God has me on currently.
My bff came to visit, along with my best friend from Lynchburg, and then we toodled around DC with my best friend from DC and celebrated my 27th birthday.
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| My first "work" friend in DC |
I wrote the single most visited blog post that I have ever written: Gay, Lesbian, Laws, and Christ... -- And, I am have gotten some really great feedback from people from all different backgrounds and viewpoints.. Including a dear friend who I have never seen face to face but is on my 3x5 cards ;)
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| Meg came!! |
March was a very humbling month...
I also was faced with some very difficult relationship situations...
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| Easter Weekend with best friends |
I realized how much I loved my church, how much I enjoyed being a part of it.. and even still how much I feel connected through it.
I was reminded that I will serve and praise the Lord during the good and the bad.
I realized I never meant to be a career woman, and my heart ached.. Ironically I vocalized my desire to be a catalyst...
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| Memorial Weekend on the Capital lawn.. Before we got stormed out |
My mom and I talked multiple times a week on our drives home, and had lots of interesting conversations...
I updated my life goals...
I also decided to be bold over the summer.. Pretty funny considering all the changes summer brought me..
God and I continued our never ending learning curve about leadership and marriage.. One day maybe it'll be put to good use!
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| Small group friends |
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| Meeting Vera! |
I met a longtime friend FINALLY.
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| 4th of July |
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| DC Fireworks |
I had my fill of "single" comments.. and my need to share my sentiments spilled out into a mostly sarcastic and humor infused post..
I struggled with relationships, and conflicts.. Which is good.... and usually feel terrible.
And then.. I naively posted about despising parts of change. God and I did battle as I kicked off the 40 day freedom fast.
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| "The Pencil" - Washington Monument |
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| Bachata Congress! |
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| Ice Cream eating competition - with our Ref. |
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| The murals I painted in my office |
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| Vormund! |
Change.. oh October was about change.. in every sense of the word.. Life, Work, Puppy.. change change everywhere..
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| Three of my siblings - They make me laugh a lot |
Busy raising a puppy and loving people for Jesus.. That is until I got sick, then I still had to raise a puppy and love people for Jesus, but felt like I was going to die.. or cough up a lung.. or never ever get enough sleep again. (dramatic much?)
After a much needed trip to DC to see people I love, I became consumed with work.. I loved every bit of it, despite the 80 hours a week I was putting in.
My great grandma passed away.
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| My first "for real I'm an adult" Christmas tree! |
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| Getting to be a fun aunt |
And, my puppy is growing.. a lot.. and is sick..
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| Teaching munchkins how to make funny faces |
What is crazy to me is that I tagged a LOT of the blog posts I wrote throughout this year.. but, I only chose a few from each month.. which means, this is merely a glossary overview of the year, the trials, the struggles, the joy, the friends, the trips, the meltdowns.. it amazes me at the sheer amount of things God has done and the prayers He has answered this year. Blows my mind. I am somewhere between totally overwhelmed and really stoked to see what He uses this building block of a year for in the future...
I have grown so much this year, and as difficult and at times painful as it was, I would never give it back nor change it. I am so beyond humbled at the task before me, but also at the friends and family that support me...
Who am I that God should use me?
2012 was a year unlike any other.
2012 was a year of prayer.
2012 was a year of change.
Nov 3, 2012
Catching Fire...
While the transition from DC to MI has been an emotional one, today when a friend asked me if anything exciting was happening here in MI, I realized that it is, and I feel it coming..
We (the staff at the church) are planning, praying, preparing, praying, meeting, praying, strategizing, praying.. and working towards the goal and direction that we feel the Lord is leading us in.
I am at a little bit of a loss for words in regards to what I feel stirring inside of me, but it feels like a spark; the type of spark that you know is going to roar to life the wildfire.
As I talk to various people, convey my excitement, my plans, my passion, the direction our church is moving, and the ways we feel God calling and moving us as a community, I see the small sparks in the eyes of some of the people. Not everyone, but some... soon blazing infernos will have erupted within enough people that an unstoppable wildfire will consume the land.
God is moving, and His plan is catching fire, and it is starting with small sparks.
We (the staff at the church) are planning, praying, preparing, praying, meeting, praying, strategizing, praying.. and working towards the goal and direction that we feel the Lord is leading us in.
I am at a little bit of a loss for words in regards to what I feel stirring inside of me, but it feels like a spark; the type of spark that you know is going to roar to life the wildfire.
As I talk to various people, convey my excitement, my plans, my passion, the direction our church is moving, and the ways we feel God calling and moving us as a community, I see the small sparks in the eyes of some of the people. Not everyone, but some... soon blazing infernos will have erupted within enough people that an unstoppable wildfire will consume the land.
God is moving, and His plan is catching fire, and it is starting with small sparks.
Oct 24, 2012
Planning Change...
I have always tended towards liking change. I really enjoy surprises, but like most, I like change on my terms, and in ways I can grasp or get a handle on. However, minor changes do not typically phase me, I enjoy the challenge of seeing if I can pull an audible in the middle of something and go with it.. Other times I plan change, and that is my favorite, such as changing my hair color or buying a puppy (I am so tired haha)...
What is by far the most difficult change for me (and likely everyone else) is when I have to help someone else change or plan change. Partially because to some extent, even if you like change... you don't like change. And, let's call a spade a spade here, change is hard.
What I love about my new job is, I am totally in my sweet spot of helping others be better, more effective, more passionate, more excited, and more challenged to dive deeper into our Lord, sorta like swimming in the ocean. I love that whether for good, bad or exhausting, my job is to help others grow in Christ.
Couple reminders based on things I have noticed lately:
Change is difficult and stressful.
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34
Taking time to rest and recharge is difficult, but essential.
"On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God." - Psalm 62:7
There is a time and a season for everything.
"So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." - Exodus 17:11-12
In all, above all, through all, and despite any emotion, love.
"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13
What is by far the most difficult change for me (and likely everyone else) is when I have to help someone else change or plan change. Partially because to some extent, even if you like change... you don't like change. And, let's call a spade a spade here, change is hard.
What I love about my new job is, I am totally in my sweet spot of helping others be better, more effective, more passionate, more excited, and more challenged to dive deeper into our Lord, sorta like swimming in the ocean. I love that whether for good, bad or exhausting, my job is to help others grow in Christ.
Couple reminders based on things I have noticed lately:
Change is difficult and stressful.
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34
Taking time to rest and recharge is difficult, but essential.
"On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God." - Psalm 62:7
There is a time and a season for everything.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11
A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace... He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11
At times we are supposed to support someone else's vision, even if it seems crazy.
"Then Jonathan said to the young man who was carrying his armor, 'Come and let us cross over to the garrison of these uncircumcised; perhaps the Lord will work for us, for the Lord is not restrained to save by many or by few.' His armor bearer said to him, 'Do all that is in your heart; turn yourself, and here I am with you according to your desire.'” - 1 Samuel 14:6-7 "So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." - Exodus 17:11-12
In all, above all, through all, and despite any emotion, love.
"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13
Jul 21, 2012
My Heart's Desire...
As part of the leadership training at NCC, each leader is given a coach to help them brainstorm, lift them and the small group up in prayer, discuss things going on, and just be a basic touch point for anything that the leader may need help working through. Not that I am biased, but I think my coach is the best one. Ever. She is amazing, full of wisdom, wit, joy, and has such perception that I just enjoy meeting with her and talking through things cause she is able to cut the insignificant things away and get to the core or the issue. I am beyond blessed to have her as my coach!
Today her and I were meeting to discuss my small group, but really it turned into discussing the changes that have come up and are presenting themselves lately. I spent longer than I needed to explaining all the different things, the perspectives, the caveats, the emotional pulls, my fears, frustrations, and prayers about everything. I went through it all figuring if she did not have all of the information either she would not be able to provide sound feedback or I would dismiss parts of what she said due to her not knowing it all. So, I chose to be completely upfront about it all... And, I am so glad I did!
After I explained everything, and then answered a few of her questions, she asked if I felt I was in a place to make a decision for myself. Meaning, if God gives me the chance to choose, am I at a place where can I choose for who I am and where I am at, based on my heart's deepest desires, instead of feeling pressure based on others? And then, she asked if I knew what my heart's deepest desire is. We talked about how I have a serious need for community, and I work hard to cultivate it wherever I go, and how I also desire whole heartedly to serve Christ... I desire a family one day, and I desire to have a career that means something.. But, when it boils down to it, I am not sure I can articulate to God what I want deep down. I am not sure I can explain to myself or others what my heart's deepest desire is because it feels entirely split into two. With half of my heart I want to forsake literally everything and serve Christ as my main focus, the other half of my heart desires to stay (or go) where solid and genuine community would be found. I mean, I have wanted a family basically my entire life, but I feel like that is something that will come regardless of where I live, go, stay, whatever, especially with all the ways to keep in contact, and the amazing thing that is Skype. And, I have also wanted to change the world my entire life (well, since I was 7 I guess).
So, while I have no idea what is coming, my goal this week is really to spend a lot of time in prayer figuring out where my heart stands in the decision making of it all, so that regardless of what God calls me to next, I will know the desires of my heart.. Which ideally would be perfectly in line with what I feel I am being led to or it could be the total opposite, and serve as a period of time where God is calling me to faith and obedience above other things.
My heart's deepest desire for my life is tricky... I have a sense, but not really words. It would be kinda nice if God would "aha" moment this all for me!
Today her and I were meeting to discuss my small group, but really it turned into discussing the changes that have come up and are presenting themselves lately. I spent longer than I needed to explaining all the different things, the perspectives, the caveats, the emotional pulls, my fears, frustrations, and prayers about everything. I went through it all figuring if she did not have all of the information either she would not be able to provide sound feedback or I would dismiss parts of what she said due to her not knowing it all. So, I chose to be completely upfront about it all... And, I am so glad I did!
After I explained everything, and then answered a few of her questions, she asked if I felt I was in a place to make a decision for myself. Meaning, if God gives me the chance to choose, am I at a place where can I choose for who I am and where I am at, based on my heart's deepest desires, instead of feeling pressure based on others? And then, she asked if I knew what my heart's deepest desire is. We talked about how I have a serious need for community, and I work hard to cultivate it wherever I go, and how I also desire whole heartedly to serve Christ... I desire a family one day, and I desire to have a career that means something.. But, when it boils down to it, I am not sure I can articulate to God what I want deep down. I am not sure I can explain to myself or others what my heart's deepest desire is because it feels entirely split into two. With half of my heart I want to forsake literally everything and serve Christ as my main focus, the other half of my heart desires to stay (or go) where solid and genuine community would be found. I mean, I have wanted a family basically my entire life, but I feel like that is something that will come regardless of where I live, go, stay, whatever, especially with all the ways to keep in contact, and the amazing thing that is Skype. And, I have also wanted to change the world my entire life (well, since I was 7 I guess).
So, while I have no idea what is coming, my goal this week is really to spend a lot of time in prayer figuring out where my heart stands in the decision making of it all, so that regardless of what God calls me to next, I will know the desires of my heart.. Which ideally would be perfectly in line with what I feel I am being led to or it could be the total opposite, and serve as a period of time where God is calling me to faith and obedience above other things.
My heart's deepest desire for my life is tricky... I have a sense, but not really words. It would be kinda nice if God would "aha" moment this all for me!
Jul 19, 2012
Always Changing...
I am always amazed at God's timing. I do not know why His plans continue to surprise me (probably because He's God..) but still.. they do. What is interesting to me is how He chooses to work in answering my prayers. I have tons of prayers that I pray consistently, asking for growth, to have more of the fruits of the spirit (yeah, yeah, that may have been my first mistake), asking for Him to use me to change the world... And then, somehow in the midst of all my prayers and petitions, I forget that I am not in control, and neither are my prayers. Somewhere along the lines I forget that I do everything for Him, and in the moments that matter, I will likely freak out for a bit, then I will be drawn back to suck it up, pull it together, and follow Him, wherever He leads me.
I find myself at another one of those crossroads where things are going to change, there is a defining moment or two coming my way, and initially I freaked out.. spazzed a little, and in my anxiousness begged God not to ask me to do anything I did not want to do..
Wait. What?!.. Who am I right now?.. This is not me! I go, I follow, I am not afraid of change, so what is this?
This is fear, fear of the leaving behind things and people I love.. again, fear of a couple years of suck repeating themselves... Just fear.
Not so much fear of the unknown or change in general because I tend to love change, but honestly, it is the relationships that I love that inevitably change that has me worried about change.
Thankfully after a lot of prayer, a lot of thinking, and a very real moment of feeling like God was telling me "Peace, I'm here" has caused me to feel like I am ok again. I do not know the future (dang it), but I do know that regardless, I will be ok because my Lord has told me He's here.
This afternoon I had to take down my hammock cause they are cutting down a few trees in our yard (serious sadness), and beforehand I just laid on it, listened to the birds and the bugs, watched the wind in the trees, and prayed. Prayed for all the various people involved in this change. Prayed for my friends. Prayed for weights on my heart. And, just spent some time being still.
Then, later this evening I sent out an e-mail to some of my closest friends asking for prayer after explaining what is going on, and I get this back:
"(my friend's) pastor told a story about Mother Teresa. A man was visiting her and asked her to pray for him to have clarity. She said no. He asked why and she said, 'I will not pray for clarity I will pray for trust.' This really hit me, because so many times I too have prayed for clarity when what I really needed was trust. So, I will pray for you to trust more and more the God who is able to do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or imagine knowing that He loves you and will work all things together for your good and His glory."
Love it.
I am so beyond thankful and blessed by my Lord, by my friends, by my family... Just feeling immensely blessed tonight. Not because the world is perfect, and not because the answers are before me, but because I am loved unrelentingly by my Savior regardless of my situation or emotions.
Life will always be changing. Nothing will ever stay the same, and really I love that. What I struggle with is, change also brings an end to some really great things. But, things have to be let go for new things, so I am choosing to let go, lay in my hammock, and let God direct it all.
I find myself at another one of those crossroads where things are going to change, there is a defining moment or two coming my way, and initially I freaked out.. spazzed a little, and in my anxiousness begged God not to ask me to do anything I did not want to do..
Wait. What?!.. Who am I right now?.. This is not me! I go, I follow, I am not afraid of change, so what is this?
This is fear, fear of the leaving behind things and people I love.. again, fear of a couple years of suck repeating themselves... Just fear.
Not so much fear of the unknown or change in general because I tend to love change, but honestly, it is the relationships that I love that inevitably change that has me worried about change.
Thankfully after a lot of prayer, a lot of thinking, and a very real moment of feeling like God was telling me "Peace, I'm here" has caused me to feel like I am ok again. I do not know the future (dang it), but I do know that regardless, I will be ok because my Lord has told me He's here.
This afternoon I had to take down my hammock cause they are cutting down a few trees in our yard (serious sadness), and beforehand I just laid on it, listened to the birds and the bugs, watched the wind in the trees, and prayed. Prayed for all the various people involved in this change. Prayed for my friends. Prayed for weights on my heart. And, just spent some time being still.
Then, later this evening I sent out an e-mail to some of my closest friends asking for prayer after explaining what is going on, and I get this back:
"(my friend's) pastor told a story about Mother Teresa. A man was visiting her and asked her to pray for him to have clarity. She said no. He asked why and she said, 'I will not pray for clarity I will pray for trust.' This really hit me, because so many times I too have prayed for clarity when what I really needed was trust. So, I will pray for you to trust more and more the God who is able to do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or imagine knowing that He loves you and will work all things together for your good and His glory."
Love it.
I am so beyond thankful and blessed by my Lord, by my friends, by my family... Just feeling immensely blessed tonight. Not because the world is perfect, and not because the answers are before me, but because I am loved unrelentingly by my Savior regardless of my situation or emotions.
Life will always be changing. Nothing will ever stay the same, and really I love that. What I struggle with is, change also brings an end to some really great things. But, things have to be let go for new things, so I am choosing to let go, lay in my hammock, and let God direct it all.
Jul 14, 2012
The Despising Part of Change...
I have always been a people person and made friends, close friends, good friends, lots of friends everywhere I go/move/visit. I love the people in my life dearly, and once they are "in" so to speak, I really never let them entirely go. I mean granted, like all relationships distance, schedules, and stages in life cause ebs and flows, but I make a point to ensure that every interaction reinforces that no amount of time or distance changes my willingness to pick up as if no time or distance has taken place.
That being said, I kinda hate how many people I know in so many places. Everywhere I move, everywhere I travel causes pieces of me to stay behind and makes the thought of moving more challenging each time.
The thing I find so interesting about my perspective is, my desire to move, stay, travel or my anxiety about those same things has nothing really to do with the logistics, dangers, money, etc.. and everything to do with the people in my life that I love. Going somewhere new, meeting new people, making new friends, all of that is actually more exciting and exhilarating than anything. But, as I get older I realize that the more I do that, the more it means leaving someone else behind (at least for a while) because the reality is no matter who you are or how social you are, you simply cannot fit everyone into your life the same amount all the time. There are inherent ebs and flows that are neither good nor bad, they just are... And, leaving people is the one thing I dislike about change.
And, just as a note, currently there are no actual plans in the works to move, there are just always possibilities as I keep my eyes and ears open to where God is leading me next and what our next adventure will be.
That being said, I kinda hate how many people I know in so many places. Everywhere I move, everywhere I travel causes pieces of me to stay behind and makes the thought of moving more challenging each time.
The thing I find so interesting about my perspective is, my desire to move, stay, travel or my anxiety about those same things has nothing really to do with the logistics, dangers, money, etc.. and everything to do with the people in my life that I love. Going somewhere new, meeting new people, making new friends, all of that is actually more exciting and exhilarating than anything. But, as I get older I realize that the more I do that, the more it means leaving someone else behind (at least for a while) because the reality is no matter who you are or how social you are, you simply cannot fit everyone into your life the same amount all the time. There are inherent ebs and flows that are neither good nor bad, they just are... And, leaving people is the one thing I dislike about change.
And, just as a note, currently there are no actual plans in the works to move, there are just always possibilities as I keep my eyes and ears open to where God is leading me next and what our next adventure will be.
Oct 27, 2011
Thursday Thoughts...
Thursday thoughts...
Brooke Fraser and Shawn McDonald are my two favorite artists.
We found our 4th and 5th roomies, and the great roomie swap begins this weekend...
As much as I would like to "love" Halloween.. I do not really care all that much for it. I enjoy dressing up (although in reality I've worn the same outfit every year since my dad bought me a BEAUTIFUL blue kimono dress that I love), I enjoy hanging out, and let's be honest.. I love anything that gives a reason to be festive and hang out with people... But, I am not the biggest fan of all the "other stuff" that typically comes with Halloween... So, while I have been invited to various parties, I am planning on avoiding them all.
I am buying my first piece of real furniture this week... a table and chairs. Mainly because ours will be leaving with the roomies moving out. So, I have decided that I might as well buy a set I will love for a very long time.. which means the tall counter-height table and chairs!... Although, one of my friends aptly pointed out that I "probably" should have bought a bed since I am still sleeping on an over-sized air mattress (3 years now..).
I am interested to see what the next year holds...
I am running a 10k on Sunday.. and I am unsure I can even run a 5k currently, should be interesting.
I have yet to decide or figure out what my plans for Thanksgiving are.. I had been hoping all year to be in Africa, God had other plans so, I guess now I will get a chance to see what those were.
The leaves are turning colors again, which is beautiful, but means cold weather is coming... I'm not the biggest fan of that...
I realized last weekend how different several relationships are in my life now than they were a year ago... A couple people I now view as having very prominent place had yet to even enter into my life. Another friend was a part of my group of friends where I used to live, we have known each other for years, but were never really close in a one on one friendship... However, she has become one of the few people who just get me.. I am so incredibly thankful for her, and amazed at how different of a friendship we have than I would have ever guessed before. She amazes me with how wise, thoughtful, funny, and genuine she is.. not to mention she seeks out the friendship just as much as I do, so there is always just this level of comfort when we hang out that I have with very... very few people here in DC... A part of me is sad I had not discovered this about her and the potential for our friendship three years ago when we first met. I am always amazed at how very different we are, but completely thankful that our friendship has become a totally unique thing all on its own, and taken a very welcome place in my life.
I have really become aware in the last few weeks how totally and utterly blessed I am.
I was musing to myself while driving earlier this week at how weird it is to feel contentment in my soul again. It feels like a foreign feeling.. a very welcome foreign feeling though. It is almost like the first warm sunshine on your skin after a particularly treacherous and cold winter... I cannot pinpoint where it has come from, and a part of me has had the (very stupid) feeling that if I dwell on it too much it will disappear again... Yet, I know that is a totally and utterly ridiculous thought (but very human of me still). I am amazed though at how constant it is, even with the continued (and rather awful) situations at work that always threaten my mood.. It has been very carefully protected and shielded from trivial things; and for that I am so thankful! There is a small part of me that does not want to do or try anything new in fear of causing the contentment to disappear again, but, at the very same time.. I feel like it has caused me to re-awaken the dreams and desires I have of life in general... Which means that soon God will be shaking things up again, and I will gladly take His hand and walk where He asks me to.. Only God could create something at your core that causes feelings that seem so polar opposites.
My dad has recently joined Facebook, and I love how easy it is to tell him how much I love him or let him know how frequently he comes to mind... I am so incredibly thankful for Facebook, e-mail, and skype for making the hundreds of miles not feel like anything at all.
Brooke Fraser and Shawn McDonald are my two favorite artists.
We found our 4th and 5th roomies, and the great roomie swap begins this weekend...
As much as I would like to "love" Halloween.. I do not really care all that much for it. I enjoy dressing up (although in reality I've worn the same outfit every year since my dad bought me a BEAUTIFUL blue kimono dress that I love), I enjoy hanging out, and let's be honest.. I love anything that gives a reason to be festive and hang out with people... But, I am not the biggest fan of all the "other stuff" that typically comes with Halloween... So, while I have been invited to various parties, I am planning on avoiding them all.
I am buying my first piece of real furniture this week... a table and chairs. Mainly because ours will be leaving with the roomies moving out. So, I have decided that I might as well buy a set I will love for a very long time.. which means the tall counter-height table and chairs!... Although, one of my friends aptly pointed out that I "probably" should have bought a bed since I am still sleeping on an over-sized air mattress (3 years now..).
I am interested to see what the next year holds...
I am running a 10k on Sunday.. and I am unsure I can even run a 5k currently, should be interesting.
I have yet to decide or figure out what my plans for Thanksgiving are.. I had been hoping all year to be in Africa, God had other plans so, I guess now I will get a chance to see what those were.
The leaves are turning colors again, which is beautiful, but means cold weather is coming... I'm not the biggest fan of that...
I realized last weekend how different several relationships are in my life now than they were a year ago... A couple people I now view as having very prominent place had yet to even enter into my life. Another friend was a part of my group of friends where I used to live, we have known each other for years, but were never really close in a one on one friendship... However, she has become one of the few people who just get me.. I am so incredibly thankful for her, and amazed at how different of a friendship we have than I would have ever guessed before. She amazes me with how wise, thoughtful, funny, and genuine she is.. not to mention she seeks out the friendship just as much as I do, so there is always just this level of comfort when we hang out that I have with very... very few people here in DC... A part of me is sad I had not discovered this about her and the potential for our friendship three years ago when we first met. I am always amazed at how very different we are, but completely thankful that our friendship has become a totally unique thing all on its own, and taken a very welcome place in my life.
I have really become aware in the last few weeks how totally and utterly blessed I am.
I was musing to myself while driving earlier this week at how weird it is to feel contentment in my soul again. It feels like a foreign feeling.. a very welcome foreign feeling though. It is almost like the first warm sunshine on your skin after a particularly treacherous and cold winter... I cannot pinpoint where it has come from, and a part of me has had the (very stupid) feeling that if I dwell on it too much it will disappear again... Yet, I know that is a totally and utterly ridiculous thought (but very human of me still). I am amazed though at how constant it is, even with the continued (and rather awful) situations at work that always threaten my mood.. It has been very carefully protected and shielded from trivial things; and for that I am so thankful! There is a small part of me that does not want to do or try anything new in fear of causing the contentment to disappear again, but, at the very same time.. I feel like it has caused me to re-awaken the dreams and desires I have of life in general... Which means that soon God will be shaking things up again, and I will gladly take His hand and walk where He asks me to.. Only God could create something at your core that causes feelings that seem so polar opposites.
My dad has recently joined Facebook, and I love how easy it is to tell him how much I love him or let him know how frequently he comes to mind... I am so incredibly thankful for Facebook, e-mail, and skype for making the hundreds of miles not feel like anything at all.
Oct 13, 2011
New Ones...
If you are unaware, I have been living in a house with four girls for the last year.. which means our 5 bedroom, 3 1/2 bath, megatron of a house is usually teeming with laundry (clean and dirty), dishes (also clean and dirty), almost constant good smells of food or candles... and, it is really difficult to say whether you are actually ever home alone or not. I am also pretty sure there has been at least one car parked in front of our house constantly all year, whether one of ours, a friends, or someone who needed a place to store a car while they travel.
Currently however, we have two roomies moving out at the end of the month, and are in the process of replacing them with two more... The three of us staying in the house have been talking a lot lately about what we want the next year to look like, how we want our house to stay the same or change.. and mostly just curious about how the next couple months will unfold adding two different people to the mix of the house.
One of the things that we realized is how incredibly blessed we have been this year. While there are frustrating days and issues that naturally come up when five girls live together, for the most part, we have been so lucky to have the issues be relatively minimal... Especially since, we typically talk through everything pretty quickly.. We have dealt with conflict in an adult manner that has proven and cultivated maturity and genuine care and love for one another (who knew that was possible having so many girls in once house!), instead of from a selfish standpoint that just leaves everyone frustrated. I am so thankful that we have chosen to live in a manner that makes sense.. meaning, we live in genuine community, sharing food when it makes sense, laughing, cooking, cleaning, etc.. all in a way that feels natural instead of fake or forced.
I truly hope these feelings do not change when the new ones move in at the end of the month!
Currently however, we have two roomies moving out at the end of the month, and are in the process of replacing them with two more... The three of us staying in the house have been talking a lot lately about what we want the next year to look like, how we want our house to stay the same or change.. and mostly just curious about how the next couple months will unfold adding two different people to the mix of the house.
One of the things that we realized is how incredibly blessed we have been this year. While there are frustrating days and issues that naturally come up when five girls live together, for the most part, we have been so lucky to have the issues be relatively minimal... Especially since, we typically talk through everything pretty quickly.. We have dealt with conflict in an adult manner that has proven and cultivated maturity and genuine care and love for one another (who knew that was possible having so many girls in once house!), instead of from a selfish standpoint that just leaves everyone frustrated. I am so thankful that we have chosen to live in a manner that makes sense.. meaning, we live in genuine community, sharing food when it makes sense, laughing, cooking, cleaning, etc.. all in a way that feels natural instead of fake or forced.
I truly hope these feelings do not change when the new ones move in at the end of the month!
Sep 1, 2011
Done Yet?...
I would like to be done with my job now... I would like to switch to something I actually care and am passionate about.
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