Moving!...

It is official, my blog is moving!

After much deliberation and processing, I decided for where I want to go it makes sense to make the change!

You will soon be able to find me and my blog at kristaback.com.

The four years of posting I have here will be migrating with me, and much of the content will stay the same.. Except, I will be expanding, putting more elements and speakers into my blog!

2012 Wrap-Up...

Virginia Beach at night

Every year I do a year end wrap up.. I tend to do each year differently for some reason... And, this year is no different... in that it will be different than the others haha :)

I have been blogging since I was 18... Basically since blogging began "back in the day" haha.. However, I switched from my Xanga (what?!) to this one in 2008 when I moved to Central VA. Here are the previous year's in review posts:

2008 - Who Were YOU a Year Ago?
2009 - The Year I Was 24
2010 - 2010... Never Again...
2011 - Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

DC

(This gives a great view of how much my writing and views have changes and grown due to experiences, trials, friends, etc..) What a crazy thing to look back and read the year end reviews.

In the early part of 2013 I will post my goals for the year and some of my thoughts on where I feel like God is or is not leading me.

Power of Propaganda - Holocaust Museum

I love these two posts more than any other I do because it helps me wrap up and finish a year, and then look forward. I love that I can look back and remember what God is and has been doing in my life for so many years, and have a physical representation of the journey He is taking my life on... Plus, it is just sorta fun to see how accurate or totally off I was!

Favorite Memorial

I went into 2012 feeling like God was asking me to just take things as He brought them to me.
I had a few goals or "resolutions" going into 2012:
I wanted to exercise more compassion, grace, mercy, and love than I have in years past.
I wanted to diligently complete the next year of my double masters program.
I want to work better at controlling my mouth.
I wanted  to draw closer to my sweet Jesus Christ,  I want to learn more about who He is, and subsequently who I am supposed to be...
I wanted to learn how to love people on behalf of him better this year...

And then, I ended with saying "Now to pray them into existence" ... Boy did I have little idea at the time how much of this year would revolve around prayer...

New Years Eve

In January I started my own business.. which I dabble in still, but it is not my main focus.
A relationship I was "seeing where it goes" ended.. lamely, but it was definitely for the best, even if the reason given was over text message, and late came out to not actually be the real reason. I am thankful that even though it hurt, I learned so much about dating. -- This also was the start to just being satisfied with my single path that God has me on currently.
My bff came to visit, along with my best friend from Lynchburg, and then we toodled around DC with my best friend from DC and celebrated my 27th birthday.

My first "work" friend in DC

In February I felt like I was on the cusp of something.. Like I was running towards a cliff, getting ready to throw myself off of it, but I was unable to see what was over the edge.. Little did I know it was the start of changing things to bring me back to MI.
I wrote the single most visited blog post that I have ever written: Gay, Lesbian, Laws, and Christ... -- And, I am have gotten some really great feedback from people from all different backgrounds and viewpoints.. Including a dear friend who I have never seen face to face but is on my 3x5 cards ;)

Meg came!!

March really sunk home the year of prayer I felt like 2012 was turning into. I loved it, but it was definitely challenging, and at times almost physically painful.
March was a very humbling month...
I also was faced with some very difficult relationship situations...

Easter Weekend with best friends

In April it dawned on me how many prayers God is answering in my life!.. It also left me feeling mentally blank when I would try to blog... Which lead to a lot of randomness...
I realized how much I loved my church, how much I enjoyed being a part of it.. and even still how much I feel connected through it.
I was reminded that I will serve and praise the Lord during the good and the bad.
I realized I never meant to be a career woman, and my heart ached.. Ironically I vocalized my desire to be a catalyst...

Memorial Weekend on the Capital lawn..
Before we got stormed out

Unannounced to me May started months upon months of adjustments and pain that really is due to a chronic problem I have...
My mom and I talked multiple times a week on our drives home, and had lots of interesting conversations...
I updated my life goals...
I also decided to be bold over the summer.. Pretty funny considering all the changes summer brought me..
God and I continued our never ending learning curve about leadership and marriage.. One day maybe it'll be put to good use!

Small group friends

Meeting Vera!

June. Was. Crazy. Seriously, I have no idea how I fit so much into it.
I met a longtime friend FINALLY.

4th of July

DC Fireworks

Then there was July... Oh the infamous July... In the beginning of the month I prepared to start a fast that would kick off in the middle of the month.
I had my fill of "single" comments.. and my need to share my sentiments spilled out into a mostly sarcastic and humor infused post..
I struggled with relationships, and conflicts.. Which is good.... and usually feel terrible.
And then.. I naively posted about despising parts of change. God and I did battle as I kicked off the 40 day freedom fast.

"The Pencil" - Washington Monument

Prayer and Change, that is what this year felt consumed with.


 

Bachata Congress!

August was C.R.A.Z.Y. - I interviewed for a new job.. danced.. seriously injured myself.. accepted a new job.. and prepared to move.

Ice Cream eating competition - with our Ref.

September was a blur of packing and painting, saying good-bye, crying for all sorts of reasons, and a hard to explain mix of emotions. I am not even kidding when I say, no matter how shallow it may seem, choosing to leave DC and move back to MI was one of the hardest things I have done. Not because it was actually hard, and not because I struggled with whether God was leading me, but because I loved my friends and church there, and it felt safe, like home.

The murals I painted in my office

Then, what felt like the culmination of the first 9 months of 2012 finally exploded into crystal clear depiction of what it was pointing to... And, as always, God took care of me.

Vormund!

Oh man did I begin to get overwhelmed and totally humbled by the task before me... I set to the task of doing my job, and doing it well... and then I never slept. Literally.

Change.. oh October was about change.. in every sense of the word.. Life, Work, Puppy.. change change everywhere..

Three of my siblings - They make me laugh a lot

Oh sweet November... I don't really remember you because I was busy.
Busy raising a puppy and loving people for Jesus.. That is until I got sick, then I still had to raise a puppy and love people for Jesus, but felt like I was going to die.. or cough up a lung.. or never ever get enough sleep again. (dramatic much?)
After a much needed trip to DC to see people I love, I became consumed with work.. I loved every bit of it, despite the 80 hours a week I was putting in.
My great grandma passed away.

My first "for real I'm an adult" Christmas tree!

December brought with it crazy amount of hours of work, but I began seeing things happening and started seeing the work I was doing having an impact! But, in the midst of seeing the impact, I also began to see difficult things, and started realizing I have no "outlet" and will quickly burn out at the pace I was keeping.

Getting to be a fun aunt

I wrote my first guest post: Don't Be Afraid to Date...
And, my puppy is growing.. a lot.. and is sick..

Teaching munchkins how to make funny faces

What is crazy to me is that I tagged a LOT of the blog posts I wrote throughout this year.. but, I only chose a few from each month.. which means, this is merely a glossary overview of the year, the trials, the struggles, the joy, the friends, the trips, the meltdowns.. it amazes me at the sheer amount of things God has done and the prayers He has answered this year. Blows my mind. I am somewhere between totally overwhelmed and really stoked to see what He uses this building block of a year for in the future...

I have grown so much this year, and as difficult and at times painful as it was, I would never give it back nor change it. I am so beyond humbled at the task before me, but also at the friends and family that support me...

Who am I that God should use me?

2012 was a year unlike any other.
2012 was a year of prayer.
2012 was a year of change.

Heart Check...

A little over four years ago, just before I moved to VA, I started this blog with one basic purpose, to give a place where my family back home would get to read about what was going on in my head and connect with my heart. I wanted a place for them to be able to "hear" things differently.

A lot has happened in four years... and I am certainly not even close to the same person I was then, but almost 700 posts later, a significantly larger readership, and an amazing chronicling of the story, I believe there is still value in using this blog to share my heart with whoever stumbles upon my post or visits regularly.
I still firmly believe it does my heart good, and the heart of those reading to hear total and completely honest things that are simmering or exploding out of me.
I still think it is important for people to be able to read the progression as I process through things.
Above all, it is imperative for people to see how God works in my life.

So, what is my heart check lately?

Ugh, so many things...

Part of me is in pure function mode. I do not know what to do with all the emotions, so I have resorted to function mode to get me through the chaotic things that always seem to usher in crazy emotions.

I am more than a little frustrated at the fact that I am not sleeping well, and still waking up a dozen times a night for random sounds I am not used to...

Sometimes I am so beyond excited and overjoyed that I am doing what I love. How did I get so lucky?.. God has given me my sweet spot job, and I am blown away... And then that makes me realize that I love my job.. what if I mess up? what if I cannot do it? what if... (fill in the blank).. And then I remember that God has sent me because I said years ago "here I am send me."

I am so thankful for stupid little things.. Like Friday I saw a blue and gold license plate cover for U of M, the license plate said "Vktors", and it was a VA plate.. I couldn't help but smile at God's blending of the two... This week someone came into my office and talked to me about DC for almost an hour, I loved every minute of it. I have gotten hugs from people I have only known a couple weeks, and hugs always mean a lot to me..

I am frustrated and completely sick of having to be careful about my hip (which thankfully is mostly just sore now and less a constant severe pain).. I am really tired of needing to ask for help, not even for any other reason than practically speaking it takes more time to ask someone to help.. and asking for help for things I should be able to do on my own, but currently cannot is tiring when I am not close with the person... because it leaves me feeling helpless, needy, and as though I owe them (all of which I am fully aware are not reality, but regardless, it is how I feel).

I GET PAID TO LOVE PEOPLE.. Seriously, I keep mulling that over in my head and it feels like I am cheating the system.. I am literally getting paid to love people, teach them about Christ and then how to love others in His name.. It is flippin amazing!

I miss my church and friends in DC so very much. Basically all the time, but thankfully e-mails keep me laughing, Skype gives me much needed quality time, and facebook/twitter/texting keep me connected for all the mundane things...

I am hopeful of what is to come, and soaking up and trying to learn as much as I can...

I do not for a moment regret nor second guess my choice to move back to MI, but I have finally allowed myself to acknowledge it was one of the most difficult decisions I have made (which is interesting because I am pretty sure that means more difficult decisions are down the road).. But, really I do not regret it; I somewhat revel in the challenge of it all and bask in the knowledge that God is moving, He is leading, He is gearing up, and we are about to soar.

My heart feels a constant mix of so many things, so when asked how I am doing I have a litany of things flood my mind.. I am genuinely good, excited, stressed, overwhelmed, homesick, etc..etc..

Life Lately...

So, I figured I would take a post and updated on my life lately...

 And since pictures are worth 1,000 words, I thought I'd just update with some pictures...

This amazing person helped me move across the country, and think and remember things I just couldn't keep in my head!

 The "beauty and the beast rose" did not survive the trip back to MI.. But, 8 years, 14 moves, and three states I suppose is as long as any rose should be expected to live.

I love the people I work with, seriously they are awesome... They surprised me with a gift.. Pretty state of the art! haha

A few pictures of the new place, before I painted.

The wall on the left is now the color of the top flower on my shower curtain.. I completely accidentally picked the same colors.. Apparently subconsciously I am pretty matchy matchy.

 I love my kitchen!... Still trying to figure out if I need a microwave or not..

 I have painted a lot lately...

 This is the progression of my office...

 I am really excited about how it all turned out.. and I promise I cheated, and am not actually as good as this portrays.. I projected these onto the wall, then painted in the lines :)

This puppy will soon be in my arms!.. Just about a week in a half and he's mine! He is all paid off, and details are coming together to transport him... His name is Vormund (which means guardian in German).

 I love how God sends me rainbows every time a major thing in my life is going to happen or is happening... It makes me smile.

 These lovely... weird, but amazing people are directly related to me, and now they are close enough to meet for a couple hours on a Sunday night and laugh and talk and hang out. They are "special" haha, but they make life so much better!

So, hopefully that catches you up a smidge on life lately.

He Chose Me...

Over the last three weeks I have had this bubbling up from the deep thought that has crashed into my full consciousness this weekend...

God chose me.

He chose to save me in all my wretchedness.

He chose to rescue my heart.. over and over again through every heartache and turmoil I have put it through.

He chose to bless me in ways that no one could script better.

He chose to give me a passion and a genuine love for those around me.

He chose to send me all over the place to meet spectacular and inspiring people.

He chose me.

He chose to bring me to a church to make a difference and follow Him.

He. Chose. Me.

I am sure from an outside perspective it looks as though this is a slightly dramatic thought. But, I can assure you my very core has been ruminating over this thought for a few weeks now. I am so inadequate. I feel a bit like an imposter. I do not feel ready to take on the task that He is clearly putting before me. I am stoked about this new job... No seriously, I am getting paid to meet people for coffee and talk about Jesus.. And then, I get to inspire them and help them be better servants of our Lord. Best. Job. Ever. But, despite all of that, I look around me and know so many amazing, much more capable, much more educated, much more passionate, much more intuitive people that know what to do and how to lead better..

And yet, God chose me.

I am blown away, and ridiculously humbled by this revelation that has hit me full on over the weekend. I am unable to do this without Christ, yet He chose me. In a period where I finally felt as though He had healed past hurts, and as though He had finally made me new, and helped me step into the who I was created to be, not to mention in the midst of my full glory of brokenness, He decided this would be a good time to uproot me and transplant me somewhere too follow Him. I am stoked, and I am full of a bit of trepidation at realizing how much He has laid before me...

I am resonating with this verse currently: "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) .. This passage goes on to say she replied to Mordecai and told him and other Jews to fast for three days and pray, she would do the same, and then she would break the law and approach the king on behalf of the Jews. I resonate with this whole thing because I fasted for 40 days from sweets and desserts during the entire process of applying and interviewing for this job...

I also know that I will continue to need serious prayer and at times fasting to help me over the next.. well long time. But, I also know without any doubts that the Lord is here, and He is about to rock some worlds.. including, and probably especially mine.

On January 30th of this year, I posted that God Goes Before Me, and I have never been more aware of that then I am right now.
February 2nd of this year I posted that Prayer is a Game Changer; I still firmly believe that, but even more so now that I have experienced some pretty substantial prayer stories since then...

And, on February 8th of this year I said I felt like I was On the Cusp of something... Now I know.

These blog posts are three examples of why I absolutely love blogging. Because, now these three posts share a part of my journey this year with you, and now you can begin to see just how accurately God works in my heart, even when I do not know what He is doing.. He is there, working, and leading me. I love my Lord and King, my Savior, and my Christ more than words can truly express.

God is awesome, and so much more.

Cared For...

This morning as I sit here in my new apartment with a cup of coffee in hand, I realize yet again that I am so ridiculously blessed...

I am beginning to like my new apartment, and after finally locating and posting my 3x5 prayer cards on my bathroom mirror it has begun to feel like home... Slowly, but surely I am finding places for everything and establishing a routine here in MI.

I am beginning to get really excited to see what God does in my life and the lives of those around me. I started getting glimpses of what He is directing me towards this week, and I love that my life is now my job.. Meaning, I am actually getting paid to do what I love.. truly. I am enjoying watching and actively pursuing this new job as it begins to shape up. Although, I was called both a minister and a pastor this week.. which both feel totally inaccurate and really weird to hear myself described that way.. But regardless, I am pumped to watch God unveil His plan.

The number of people that have helped me in some form or fashion over the last couple months is truly humbling, and as I sit here, I am totally amazed at how many people have totally selflessly taken care of me.

This week I have been incredibly touched by the friends that have helped me or checked on me to make sure I was ok, safety checks that reminded me I am cared for (even from so far away), late night text conversations that reminded me that my perspective and friendship is sought after, a couple hour phone call with a friend reminding me how big and amazing our God is, and skyping dates set up... It has been a full week, and I love ever bit of it.

I do not think there is a way to adequately explain how much such little things have meant to me this week, but I can say without any exaggeration that my family and friends (new and old) are amazing people and I do not deserve them.. but am so thankful and love them so very much.

This morning as I sit here in my new apartment, coffee in hand, I am blessed and feel totally cared for by so many people. God is truly amazing how He works everything out.

The First Week...

So, the last week has been crazy.. truly.

A week ago today I went and got a tour of The Pentagon with a couple friends, which of course was lead by another friend. And although we had to get up crazy early to work with his schedule, it was totally worth it, and a really fun thing to do on my last day.

Then the craziness of actually packing my life up began. Still trying to be ever conscious of the torn ligament in my hip, did my best to pack and leave boxes.. but, I sort of accidentally threw a wrench in my own plans when I went to look up the truck rental information only to discover I had messed up and was supposed to pick it up a day prior... Thankfully God was on my side and even though it was the end of the month they had not given it to anyone else yet. However, I had to load my car myself, which means pulling huge ramps out and putting them back.. It was about then that my hip began to hurt... immensely.

Later in the day, a bunch of my friends came over to help me cook, load the truck, and paint my room.. I really wish I had enjoyed the entire thing more, but really I spent the first half ridiculously stressed out and trying to contain my emotions. Thankfully I had a referee helping me communicate.. However, once most everything was done, and we sat down for dinner, I finally started feeling my insides uncoil... Although, the stress and emotions might have been aided by the fact that I had not eaten all day either...

Saturday was the actual moving day, and surprisingly it went incredibly smoothly. The drive while long, was fairly easy, we had no traffic issues, no truck or car issues, and spent hours of the trip playing "would you rather..." Once we arrived at my new place in MI, there were people from my new church waiting to help unload everything.. And boy did they! They unloaded everything in under and hour, helped arrange the furniture, and even returned the truck for me!.. Seriously one of the best welcoming gifts I could have been given!.. Although, the beauty and the beast rose saw its last move..

Sunday and Monday were full of church and shopping for random things I needed for the new place, which was fun, but tiring...

Monday I had to put one of my best friends on a plane and send her back to DC.. and we cried and hugged and held each other several times.. and then, I cried most of the hour drive home. I am going to miss her like crazy, but I am so so thankful for being able to skype, text, e-mail, etc.. because it definitely makes everything so much easier!

Tuesday commenced my first actual day of work, and I spent the day in meetings for the most part just talking through where to get started and what to do. Then I spent that evening and most of the next two days painting my new office and e-mailing with and meeting up with various different people. It is such a weird feeling to have a job that does not feel like work.

Slowly I am getting things together. Last night I painted my bedroom, so it finally feels like mine. And, I found my 3x5 prayer cards for my bathroom mirror.. the amount of relief I had when I finally found them is fairly comical because now the bathroom feels like mine, complete with my normal routine of praying over specific things while I brush my teeth and wash my face. It is the little things...

Oh yeah, and somewhere in there I fit my homework.. Oye.

Never The Same...

Today, while not my official last day in DC feels like it because tomorrow will be full of packing and goodbyes.. Although, to be honest I am well into my goodbyes.

 

 This is the view out our front window, I spent dozens of Sundays doing homework with this view.

I am so thankful for my time here in DC. The first 10 months here were pretty craptastic, but like most things that suck, I would never ever take them back or do them differently because it changed me, moved me, molded me, and like everything difficult caused me to propel myself into my Savior's arms.

Words just do not seem to do justice to how I am feeling about moving away from my friends and my church. I have said this numerous times, but I love National Community Church more than I have loved any church before, I consider myself blessed to have attended here for two years, and I love the people I met, the people I served with, and am so thankful for the things I learned about Jesus here.

I have made a lot of friends here and have done a lot of growing up and maturing with their assistance. While it might sound somewhat melodramatic, I do not think I have grown so much with the help of my friends as I have in the two years I have been here. A few key people really helped me, but there truly are dozens that have taught me so much about love, friendship, grace, mercy, compassion, and seeking Christ. Seriously thank the Lord for technology that helps me to stay in contact with the people I love.. 

I came to DC during one of the crappiest years I can remember, and I did not want to be here.. and found myself pretty much stuck in another terrible year.. Or most of a year really. 

Now I find myself leaving with the heaviest of hearts, yet completely full of joy and hope for what God is doing next.. These two conflicting things collide in my chest, and cause me to fight off tears of both grief and joy. Sounds ridiculous and over the top, but it is true... As much as I hate to admit to the emotions that I do not often express, and as much as I struggle to be strong and portray strong, the reality is, I know I am very weak.

Nothing will ever be the same, and as much as I do not want to admit it, that is a good and perfect thing. God has never ever ever lead me astray, and every single time life has changed and I have moved or done something crazy and different God was there, and looking back I realize how perfect it all was; this time is no different. Despite the emotions, and the difficulty I have in leaving before I feel ready, I have absolutely no doubts about this being exactly what God wants me to do... 

My life will never be the same, and despite it all, I am praising the Holy One and thanking Him for this change.

I will forever love this city and probably miss it, but it is time to say goodbye and follow Christ to MI.

Welcome Home...

I signed my lease yesterday and got the keys to my new place.. Complete with a fun decorated key. I am really excited about the new place, it is a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment, complete with a carport... and washer and dryer hook up.. Not to mention  a great amount of storage space, and an extended balcony facing the woods!.. I have vaulted ceilings and can paint! This place will be perfect for me and my soon to be new puppy!

However, once I got these keys, it solidified for me that I am moving. That my life in DC is wrapping up, and that my life in MI is starting. It solidified that my life will never be the same, and that it will likely blow me away to see where God and I are going, and in a year I will look back so thankful for this moment when I received my keys. 

I am excited, and yet I am sad.

If I am being honest, I kept it together long enough to set everything up with the post office for my new mailing address, made a few phone calls to wrap some things up in MI.. Sent a couple e-mails, then got on the road to make the 9 hour drive back home.. to DC, for the last time.

I cried, a lot.

A friend called and talked with me, and just listened as I cried. We talked about the reality that I know God is going to do great things, that He is leading me in an entirely new direction in my life, and that I am so blessed, but that it is ok to grieve that what I know and love is changing.

I have a week left here in DC, I have so much to do, including homework, but the reality is all I want to do is hang out with the people I love here.

Next week I will be excited about my new life, but this week I will grieve that I am leaving.

White Walls...

I have amazing friends.. Seriously, if you ever need to discover who your real friends are, and who cares about you.. Dislocate your hip, tear a very crucial ligament in your hip, then plan to move 650 miles away before you will heal..

Honestly, a part of me wonders if this is God's way of saying "I will move you to MI, stop getting in my way." Because truly, I am not allowed to move anything heavy that requires my legs or is heavy enough that I should use my legs... Which means I am perfectly capable of... almost nothing. haha. Lovely.

My friends have been amazing throughout all of this. I mean, let's be honest, they have teased me a lot about my "handicap" because of my injury, but everything I have needed help with, one or more of my friends has stepped in to fill the void and cheerfully do it for me. I really have no idea what I have done to get such amazing friends, but I am so beyond thankful... Especially knowing that, I soon have to rely on my friends here in DC to pack me up, and then my brothers and dad in MI to unpack me. Talk about seriously humbling for this "I don't like to ask for help" girl... However, to be total honest, despite all of my emotions and my pride having to take a back seat to allow my ridiculous injury to heal, mostly I am overwhelmed by how much others care about me enough to actually take care of me...

Perfect example, tonight a friend came over and helped me prime my bedroom. I felt horrible as she moved things around my room, cheerfully and more than willingly, but the fact that I could not move it was just frustrating... Then, she used the roller and primed my entire room while I edged. I mean honestly, we had a great time talking and laughing and sharing stories, but it is still really hard to have to be in a place of needing to ask for help.

Now, I lay in the middle of my completely disastrous room (yes on my plush air mattress... but, don't judge me or feel bad, it's been my bed for 4 years haha) surrounded by insane asylum white walls. Not only does my room not look like mine because everything is in utter disarray as boxes and heavy items are pushed together in the center of the room, but I have no curtains since we had to take them down to paint... and worst of all, the walls are white. WHITE. The only thing worse than white bedroom walls are beige bedroom walls (it is either insane asylum white, or beige hell). Well, actually, to be more accurate, the walls are more splotchy white since we just primed, but I painted my room a mocha brown the day I moved in, and the two places I have lived before this I painted as well.. so to be honest, my bedroom has not been white or beige in more than 3 1/2 years.

Now I find myself in my bedroom feeling like I am invading someone else's space, such a weird feeling.

Farewell...

Saturday I had my DC Farewell party.

Let me just start by saying my best friend in DC is amazing, she knows exactly how to do things to make sure I know I am cared for. She has this way of just being the solid and steady support I need all the time. Words just cannot truly express how much she means to me, how much I rely on her support, wisdom, encouragement, perspective, care, and just overall friendship. More often than not, we look at things and find the same sense of humor in the situation, and I love that I can look at her while we are in a group of people and usually know what she is thinking or feeling... What makes our friendship even better is that we have known each other for a long time, but have gotten an amazing opportunity to truly get to know each other's hearts... and, it has changed me in all the best of ways. She has never been afraid to call me out in private, to laugh with me over randomness, to grieve with me, pray for me, and support me in everything going on in my life. I love how much I can jabber on about anything and everything or sit in total silence while we "watch" a movie, I do homework, and she reads a book... Or while we lay on a beach and just soak up the sun and sounds of the waves. She truly makes my life better, and I have a feeling she has almost no idea how much I look to her and seek her out when I need perspective or support.... And, to be totally honest, we are still operating as though nothing is happening.. and will likely continue to operate this way until we HAVE to say goodbye... ugh.

ANYWAY... On to my farewell party that she threw me. Such a great time to see so many people that have been an active part of my life here in DC (and from a few other places that made the trip to see me!). We ate tons of food, laughed, joked, ate some more, and just in general spent time hanging out. I was honestly overwhelmed by how many people made it out or the people who made a point to contact me if they were unable to come. Talk about feeling so blessed. It was a lot of fun to see some people that I have not seen in a while, and some people that I do not get to see very often, and just chat, laugh, bring up the same three topics over and over... somehow always working into the conversation perfectly, which provided more laughter.

All I can honestly say to everyone who has been a part of my life in the last four years is thank you. You have no idea how much you all have changed me, shaped me, loved me, made me a better person, encouraged me, and made me laugh. I am so blessed, and so thankful, and am going to miss you guys more than my smile lets on.

It really did not hit me until today.. I am moving, and these amazing people I will be leaving in two weeks. Oye. I was really glad that no one made me cry last night.. however, I did have to hug on, then walk away from someone who began to cry because neither of us wanted to "do this" at that moment with other people around. Then, today at church I seriously had to fight tears four or five different times throughout the production set up, the sermon, and the production clean up... Why do I keep coming back to "I am not ready for this to be over"? Seriously, not a fan.

I recognize that some people find my aversion to crying odd, and others do not get it.. But, honestly it has more to do with my desire to function and accomplish all of the things I need to before I allow my emotions to take over. I do not want to give into the emotions that are flitting around on the outskirts of my thoughts and feelings incessantly so that I do not parking myself there and wallow when I have things I need to do, and precious time I need to spend with people. There is a time for grieving and mourning, but that time cannot be here and cannot be now, because I need to treasure these moments, these jokes, these bits of time with each person while I can... Then, I will fall apart and allow the emotions to envelope me later. After the time here is over, and the last two weeks and whirlwind that is my life is finished, then I will allow myself to grieve and truly feel the emotions. For now, I am trying to treasure everything.

This is one of those periods in my life when I am way more emotional than I am letting on, and that I am deeply feeling things that I refuse to allow to be seen so it does not affect those around me... The hiding the emotions will continue to get harder and harder, which I suspected it would.

The one good thing about all of this, I am praying SO MUCH. Praying about leaving my friends and church here. Praying about where I am going. Praying about the people I will become friends with, and the people I will work with, and the people I will love on (there will likely be a lot of overlapping of those prayers and people). Then, I have been praying for God to help me and guide me, because my heart is torn, but likely torn in the absolute best way a heart can be torn... I have a job to do, and I have no doubts God and I have a lot of things to accomplish. I have so many thoughts, prayers, and plans for where God is leading me now, but I am still working through leaving DC when things had gotten almost perfect. haha, I should have known that was when He and I were going to move on to something and somewhere else.

Should be a great couple of weeks, with hopefully only a few minor breakdowns.

Friends, Moving, and Life Lessons...

So, I am officially unemployed for a few weeks and it is awesome... Except for the packing, homework, torn ligament in my hip, and dozens of goodbyes I have to go through over the next few weeks.

I mean the homework is just a normal part of life, and thankfully the class I am in currently (Power, Politics, and Influence) is actually fairly interesting. However, the packing is obnoxious, but made down right infuriating by the fact that I cannot lift anything heavy. Or more specifically, I have been instructed not to lift anything that requires my legs to pick up because my torn ligament in my hip needs time to heal... Great, good thing I am not moving in the next month... Seriously, the most aggravating thing ever. I can feel the unsteadiness of the torn ligament throughout the day, so thankfully I do not every forget about it, and there are times when I move a certain way that I am reminded with an electrifying shot to my hip that I have done or moved something incorrectly... Definitely keeps me in check. But, I am also not one to handle needing help well... Yet, here I am, in desperate need of those around me to help me move. Oye. Thankfully, I have awesome friends that can be bought with a decent dinner... However, the amazingness of my friends does not negate the fact that not being able to do it on my own is both aggravating and humbling at the same time. It is a really big struggle for me not to be able to do it on my own. *sigh* Yet another way the Lord is working on me to bring glory to Himself I guess...

It is such a surreal thing to move away from so many people you love. I mean, I have done it numerous times, but never on this scale before. This whole moving to MI thing is a bit overwhelming in general, but the reactions of those around me only makes it all the more overwhelming. However, the reality is, I am blown away by the sheer number of people I have in my life who genuinely love me and care about me... And, I do not say that lightly or flippantly.

I am amazed, and seriously touched by my friends.

I will say though, moving away serves as the best motivation for people to give great hugs!.. Such a win for a touch person! haha I love how many friends have genuinely hugged me, held on longer than normal or just beyond what I expected, and made a point of telling me they loved me and will miss me. Never can I adequately express how much those words and actions have soaked into my heart and found a permanent spot. I have also been humbled by the way several of my friends have gone out of their way to see me, spend extra time with me, or just swing by for a quick hello and hug. I am so blessed... So. so. so. Blessed.

I have gotten the impression from several people that they think I should just "know" how much those around me love and care for me. And, maybe I should; but, apparently I do not... I am not feigning ignorance, nor am I trying to deny anything...

I mean, let's flip the scenario around for a second, can you point to every person in your life and accurately explain how much they care about you, love you, or how far they would go to let you know?.. Can you adequately explain just how much they will go out of their way to help you or show you how important you are to them?

Do not get me wrong, I can easily point to a lot of people and explain the relationship we have, but that does not mean I know exactly how far they will go for me, how inconvenienced they will choose to be, or how much I mean to them. I mean truly, I can very easily tell you how much that person means to me, how much I love them, care about them, and would do for them in a heartbeat... But, there are not many friends I would find myself able to articulate well their side of our friendship.. Not because I do not think they care about me, but just because I would be unsure of the accuracy of my description. Not to mention, because I am my own worst enemy, I know full well how much of a jerk I can be sometimes. I know the intimate thoughts and feelings that are really unsightly and should not be shared with others. Ultimately, I know my flaws, sins, and the things that make me a really frustrating, irritating, or obnoxious person to be around. So, from my own worst enemy perspective, it is hard to imagine how someone else could love me so much... Honestly, this whole thing is really bringing into full view how amazing it is that God does not only love me unconditionally despite myself, but how crazy it is that he puts other people around me who love me regardless of myself.

Seriously, I am so blessed. Stressed out about the next month of my life, and working to keep the emotions at bay and in check.. But, really I am feeling so blessed.

**But, not even kidding, I am working to keep these crazy emotions in check, and if you make me cry, I will likely high-five you to the face. Don't do it! (kidding, sorta.. I won't high-five you to the face... but seriously, don't say or do anything to make me to cry.)

Last Day Reflections...

Today is my last day of work at my current job... What a surreal feeling. No matter how many times I have done this whole leaving a job and going somewhere else thing, it never stops feeling weird. I mean, let's be honest, so much life has taken place here... Lots of good things have happened, more bad things than I care to remember, stressful things, and educational things have all happened here.

Regardless of the bad things, I am so beyond thankful for my time here because I met some amazing people. I have learned so much from watching others succeed, run projects, help others, or merely just by the purposefulness at which they approached people and situations. And then of course, there are the people who despite my best attempts to maintain my professional boundaries worked their way into my heart and will forever be planted there. These people have made me a better person, a stronger Christian, and made me laugh... a lot. I am so thankful for these people, for their friendship, for their time, and for all the prayers they have uttered on my behalf. Leaving them is the most difficult thing about leaving my job. I am going to miss them so much...

Some of my favorite things that I am taking away from this job:
Lunch - the random conversations, laughter, picking on, and general "togetherness" that we all needed to get through our days.
G-chatting - Thank you Google for providing such a brilliant way to communicate.
The knowing looks we all shoot each other during meetings.

While I have learned something from everyone I have worked with, there are a few people I am truly going to miss. I am not ready for the emotions that are coming today...

Reacting to Stress...

I often work very hard (and most of the time I am successful) at containing the emotions that are raw, close to my heart or leave me feeling vulnerable. I mean, let's be honest, I convey emotions all over the place.. I ooze excitement, happiness consumes my face when I'm laughing, my voice and body language hit like a ton of bricks when I am upset or angry... But, when I am overwhelmed with feelings, I contain those at all costs. However, there are times when no amount of containment efforts do anything but add to the explosion when my emotions catapult me off the cliff of control.

My emotional reaction to stress differs depending on the situation, but also is different based on the compounding emotions added to the stress. I am in one of those periods in my life that no amount of containment efforts do much for very long in hiding or containing the stress and emotions. I mean, at this point, I can talk about the emotions I am feeling, but it is conveyed with a smile, a nervous laugh, and I refer to them as though I am actually talking about someone else...

I am fully aware, and very intentionally telling people how I feel without actually letting them witness the emotions. At this point I do not know how else to cope with all of the people and questions coming my way. I want to be completely and totally honest, but I also have to prevent myself from falling apart... Now is not the time to be emotional, things have to get done and be accomplished.

Yet, despite all of my best efforts, sometimes there just is nothing I can do to keep the stress and emotions under wraps.

Sunday evening I had a meltdown... and, when I say meltdown, I am not talking about some cute little cry session that makes you feel better when you are done... I am referencing total and complete overload type of shutdown. I was working on homework and legitimately not understand what I was doing, I had spent three hours trying to do my homework and had literally gotten nowhere.. Not one thing had been accomplished other than Googling terms, formulas, and examples. I had a little over four hours until the homework was due, and I had nothing done. On an average night when I understand my homework for this class (Managerial Finance) it takes me three to four hours... When I do not understand, it can take up to seven or eight hours.

After a few random outbursts at my computer for hating it, my mom suggested I ask my dad for help. So, because I had no other option and was already on the downward spiral of freaking out, I asked my dad to help...

Pause real quick... My dad is an amazing man, he is my hero, and I love that we are a lot alike, we are very close, and we communicate the same way... Most times our similarity is beneficial, but in the instances where I do not understand and are teetering on the edge of meltdown, our communication deteriorates quickly.

We started out strong, he was figuring out my homework, and walking me through what I needed to do... then I began to not understand why things were getting done the way they were.. I loathe not understanding things that I try to grasp. Seriously, I hate it when I do not and feel as though I cannot comprehend something. So, I began asking questions about why it was being done this way and not that way... He explained.. I asked again in a different way, he explained again in a different way, and something inside of me just snapped. I could not handle the fact that he was explaining and I literally could NOT grasp what he was saying. So I asked a different way, and he explained in another way, and we both began raising our voices.. (in our family raising your voice really does not have any direct correlation to being angry, we raise our voices for every emotion in the book basically.) We began repeating the asking questions, explaining, and raising our voices.. and me continuing not to understand for about an hour.

I literally felt like I had been pushed off a cliff and had no way of reeling back to control the emotions that literally exploded out of me.

I began to cry.. and I am not a cute crier, I ugly cry. So I cried, and talked with a breaking voice, then tried yelling with a breaking voice.. all the while knowing that I was not going to help him understand what I was not understanding, but all I felt like I could control was the off chance that I might be able to say SOMETHING to help me understand, thus validating my emotions and my out of control feeling that had taken over.

I mean after all, if I could not keep my schooling together, I knew it was a slippery slope to other things I cannot control. And, I am not a fan of things I cannot control inside of myself.. in general I, like most other people, dislike feeling out of control, but to be honest, my intense desire for control comes down to wanting to be in control of myself, not necessarily my circumstances (although I do like that as well).

So, Sunday night I cried. Partially because of the frustration of my homework, but also because I felt as though with everything going on, my homework SHOULD be the one thing I can control; that would be a false feeling and ideal.

To finish the story, after we finished yelling and me melting down, I took a break to get some dinner, then he helped me with the remainder of homework that he could, and the remainder of my homework I threw some numbers and formulas together that might have possibly been what was needed for the rest of my homework and called it good at 1:30am... after starting around 6:30.

The thing I am realizing is that no matter how excited I am about what is coming, every other emotion is trailing like little ducklings. I know I am following my God, and I know that this job is going to be my sweet spot.. I know without any doubts that challenges and all, I am going to relish what God has me doing. But, I am fairly certain I have a meltdown or two coming in the next month or so, but I am hoping it occurs when I am alone or at the very least around someone who can handle it and does not take it personally.

God never said it would be easy to follow Him... But, man what a ride it will be!

Packing Disaster...

Packing is potentially one of my least favorite things; partially because I know I never do it well. I am most certainly not the most efficient and organized packer, and I really have only a system that makes sense to me.

Currently, I am attempting to be a for real packer and have a rhyme or reason to my methods... We shall see how long that lasts. I feel like usually I start out every time I pack with the determination to have a system, and then it quickly deteriorates into "eh, I'll remember that bizarre item was put in this random box that belongs in a different room..."

I am also for the first time ever (no seriously) throwing crap away that has no business moving with me, and donating to Goodwill things that I have not used in a year or more.. and realistically have no reason to use.. Like the "maybe" broken printer that I haven't dug out of the closet in the two years I have lived in DC.. There is NO reason to lug it to MI with me... Or the shoes that I completely wore the heels off of, and they are not even expensive enough shoes to re-heel... They need to go.

However, due to my.... attempt at a logical move, my room is driving me crazy because it is full of "piles".. The closest one to the door is the Goodwill pile, followed closely by the gathered-from-around-the-house-that-I-need-to-remember-to-pack-cause-it's-mine pile, then the three bins that are packed, but will likely be unpacked and re-packed with something else once I get more boxes and actually begin my plan of attack for packing... Then of course my (almost) ever present clean clothes taking up half my bed.. And a random smattering of paint supplies and empty boxes taking up the remainder of my room.

Should be a fun couple months! Oye.

Back in the Mitten...

I remember two distinct desires from when I was five:
1) I wanted to get married and have a family.
2) I wanted to change the world.

What five year old thinks that?!...

Well, at 27, I have yet to get married or start a family, so why not focus on changing the world?...

How do I even begin to explain the rabbit trails that God has been working on for so long?!.. Let alone in the last year. The entirety of this move is crazy and overwhelming, but really awesome and exciting.

I will likely post several more times talking about various aspects of the next couple months, and since I am feeling quite overwhelmed with tasks and emotions currently, I plan on just giving the basic information, and then expounding later.

To say that I am excited about all of the possibilities this job has would be an understatement.
To say that there will be challenges, and it is all a bit overwhelming at the same time would be such an understatement it is laughable.. Because, while I am excited, I am also reeling with a million things that I need to do and normal emotions that moving entails. Deciding to leave DC, my church, my friends, my community here, and moving even further away from my friends in Lynchburg has been an incredibly difficult decision, and one that anyone I talked about it with can attest to the internal struggle I had reconciling all of the feelings and emotions involved...

Yet, regardless of my internal conflict, one thing remained clear; God was in control. I knew that I was going to struggle, but I also felt a profound presence that God has been with me through it all. Sometime later, I will post a few of the ways God has orchestrated this entire thing.. It is crazy and overwhelming to see all the big and little ways in which He has shown up in the last year moving me towards this, and I feel like it should be shared.. But, not today.

So, the big questions, where and what will I be doing? I will be moving to the metro Detroit area to work for Clarkston Free Methodist Church. I will be.. for lack of a better term, a community catalyst. I will be working outside the church in the local, regional, and eventually global community to network, identify needs, create plans to help implement change, then go back and teach, train, equip, and mobilize the people in the church to fulfill those needs. And, I will work with the church to appeal to and bring back the 20-30somethings. This is a ridiculously watered down explanation, but it will help give an idea.

The answers to some common questions I have been getting:
Yes, my family is ecstatic!
No, I will not be living at my parent's place, they live about an hour away and it would not make sense to work to build relationships in a community I don't live in.
I will be moving sometime near the end of September, and am planning on getting an apartment near the church.

And, one of the biggest answers to the most common question I have been getting asked:
No, I still do not own a "real bed"... so I am able to deflate mine and transport it very easily! ;)

P.S. Please note the name of this post.. Yes, it is a purposeful play on words :)

The Despising Part of Change...

I have always been a people person and made friends, close friends, good friends, lots of friends everywhere I go/move/visit. I love the people in my life dearly, and once they are "in" so to speak, I really never let them entirely go. I mean granted, like all relationships distance, schedules, and stages in life cause ebs and flows, but I make a point to ensure that every interaction reinforces that no amount of time or distance changes my willingness to pick up as if no time or distance has taken place.

That being said, I kinda hate how many people I know in so many places. Everywhere I move, everywhere I travel causes pieces of me to stay behind and makes the thought of moving more challenging each time.

The thing I find so interesting about my perspective is, my desire to move, stay, travel or my anxiety about those same things has nothing really to do with the logistics, dangers, money, etc.. and everything to do with the people in my life that I love. Going somewhere new, meeting new people, making new friends, all of that is actually more exciting and exhilarating than anything. But, as I get older I realize that the more I do that, the more it means leaving someone else behind (at least for a while) because the reality is no matter who you are or how social you are, you simply cannot fit everyone into your life the same amount all the time. There are inherent ebs and flows that are neither good nor bad, they just are... And, leaving people is the one thing I dislike about change.

And, just as a note, currently there are no actual plans in the works to move, there are just always possibilities as I keep my eyes and ears open to where God is leading me next and what our next adventure will be.

Longest Stay...

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about the last year, the beginning of the next year, and just sort of taking inventory a bit. I realized that, as of today, I will have lived in one place for the longest amount of time since I was 17... That is almost ten years!

Let me break it down this way...
My senior year of highschool we moved to the first house my parents owned.. and we are all convinced it was made for our family.

About six months later I moved to college (I know it is not really a "move".. but it is if you are a girl haha).. I then proceeded to move to and from college for four years, including to and from summer camps every summer.

After I graduated at 22, I moved home... lived there for almost a year, but in the process had packed all my things preparing to move to Africa, then when that fell through I ended up moving to Ohio for summer camp again. At the end of the summer, I got a job in central VA, packed everything I owned/could fit in my car and made the 12 hour trek to my new "home".

Once in central VA, I lived in a temporary apartment for a month. Then moved into a new (beautiful) apartment for 8 months. Then moved to a cute house with two girls for just under a year. Then moved to an attic (my favorite room ever) of the house my roomie had bought... Lived there for 5 months... Then moved to DC where I have been for JUST over a year now.

So, since my senior year of high school I have yet to live in one house for more than a year... And yet, here I am beginning my second year in this same house, feels weird and good at the same time. Part of me thinks there is no possible way I will make another whole year, but then again, stranger things have happened!

August Wrap Up...

I am really astounded that tomorrow is the end of August.. WHERE DID IT GO!?!.. Seriously. Part of me is looking forward to sweatshirts and jeans, and part of me is dreading the cold that is soon to follow.

I had a fantastic weekend in Atlanta, not only do I love Atlanta, my bff and her husband live there.. Which is always a welcome reprieve from my life. We literally spent all weekend moving them into their new (totally perfect) loft condo they bought. I absolutely love the NYC feel, and they are so excited about it, which made it a lot of fun to help them move. Plus, I always cherish being able to be a part of those moments in my bff's life. They tend to be more of the mundane flavor, but they create all these fantastic memories, and links in our life that just bind our friendship more every time.

Not to mention we end up eating well (although who's gonna pray and where are we gonna eat end up being a "not it" debate every single time haha), but we also spend good quality time together talking about anything and everything. I say this all the time, but my bff just gets me, she hears what I say, but understands what I mean, and gives a much better description of what is going on and how I am feeling instead of my typical ramblings about things I am frustrated and upset about. I have no idea how she does it, but she is by far one of the best people in my life for understanding what my heart means. I need her in my life more than she will ever know, and I am so thankful and so blessed and encouraged by her constantly... Plus, I think she's hysterical, so that helps :)

Considering how hard life has been, this was a great change of pace. :)

Ps. I started reading The Scent of Water on the plane ride home.. It's incredibly riveting and brings in such an interesting healing element with it. Highly recommend it!