Headlong...

"The wise woman builds her house,
         But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." - Proverbs 14:1


Sometimes.. or a lot of times I feel like the foolish woman it is talking about. I always talk about trying to be patient, graceful, loving, understanding, compassionate.. whatever.. but the reality is I am still a fool and I fail constantly... It is rather aggravating. I am impatient, and I tend towards not understanding or being compassionate. I am easily excitable and prone to exaggerate. One of my wonderful friend's comments last night was, "Well.. you tend towards throwing the baby out with the bath water..." ... And, she is right... and I hate that she's right.


It never ceases to amaze me how much I can have something figured out, and then totally get thrown for a loop. I can have conversations figured out in my head, I can know exactly how someone will respond, and I can have my mind made up... and then.. oh wait, I have no clue how to respond, because the conversation I thought would take place in my head... does not even come close to what actually takes place.


Last night, I was praying and sorta allowing Jesus to sift through the mass quantities of emotions that I am not used to having overwhelm me. I attempted to just sit there and let Him seep into my heart and mind, but I could not get myself to calm down on the inside. The biggest problem was, I have spent most of this week dealing with self imposed emotions because I decided to be impatient and not actually find out what was going on.. I just made a decision based on a fraction of the information, and the sad part is, I knew I probably did not have all of the information... Sometimes my stubbornness drives even me crazy.. I know better then to assume I have all the information, much less to make a decision about what I think about everything knowing I do not have all the information.


After talking to a couple people last night I was able to resolve some of the hundred thousand things adding stress into my life currently, and I found myself standing in the middle of the disaster that is my room.. and just incredibly humbled at the level of patience those around me have for my stupidity... I am so insanely blessed by how often those around me really keep me from plowing head long into trouble, and then, how patient and compassionate they are with the repercussions or the emotions that inevitably follow whatever my latest blunder has been. This feeling then of course began to seep its way into my journaling and praying to Jesus... I am just amazed at how much He chooses to care about me, and how often I am just retarded in my actions and choices, yet He patiently finds and returns me to Him every time. 


Nights like last night are really good and humbling for me because it reminds me how much I am just not "there" yet.. How much more I have to improve and how much further I have to go, and how much more graceful and quick to forgive and be patient with others I need to be.


Now, onto being patient and forgetting how stressed out I am about everything else going on...