This is a place where I pour out my thoughts, troubles, issues, feelings, and where I'm slowly working through my world view and my relationship with my sweet Jesus.
There are so many things I could say about the awful shooting in CT... There are so many things I wish I could say... There are so many people I wish I could hug... But, really there is nothing I can say or do that would make it ok again, no words I can offer, no amount of hugs will take away the pain. I keep thinking about those parents, those children, all of the final moments, the thoughts and emotions that went through those small little bodies. The memories that will never go away.. My heart is totally broken for these families.
In the midst of all of it, I wish I had the chance to tell them about Jesus, about receiving comfort from the only one who can give true comfort. I wish I knew why bad things happen like this, I wish I could explain with elegance why this doesn't make sense, but that it will one day.. All I know is that Jesus is the only thing that will make this ok again.
This song is Flags by one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser. This song is a beautiful description of how I feel about this tragedy, it speaks to the hurting and the mourning and the Truth of what is to come.
To all of the parents, brothers, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends of those that are affected by the CT shooting, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am praying for you all, and know that Jesus, the only one who can and will make this right one day loves you more than you understand and is beckoning you to come to Him, to share your grief, and to allow Him to heal your hearts.
I really hate the days that are for all intents and purposes fine, nothing too off the wall, out of the ordinary, frustrating or otherwise, and even contained some really good parts.. Yet I still am left feeling blah at the end of the day. Today was one of those days, work was frustrating, but honestly I think it had more to do with my mindset than anyone or anything that actually took place, I had a great couple hours spent over coffee and chatting with some friends, and I even was able to sneak in a run (really I need to control the sugar intake that has gotten out of control the last week or so!).. And yet, here I sit, stretching on the floor, and something just feels off inside. Not the biggest fan of days where I feel blah for no real reason.
Completely random thoughts floating through my head:
I am super excited for a friend of mine and things going on in her life.
I am really excited to see "The Dark Tower" in a few weeks.
I am so excited for Avengers to come out (I know, I'm a nerd).
I dislike having to be patient, but feel like I have no other option at this point.
I really hate, and subsequently beat myself up when other people's happiness does not also bring me uninhibited joy and happiness for them... Talk about selfishness.. eesh.
It has been a really long time since I have experienced serious change in my life... I need to travel.. or move... or get a new job.. or SOMETHING!... But, none of those things are looking too promising at the moment (maybe I will just dye my hair again to satisfy the desire for change for a while haha).
My lack of dedication to working out makes me feel like my body is turning to goo or mush... I am fairly sure my goal to run a half marathon at the end of May is not going to happen..
I could use a little inspiration.. It has been a very long time since I have had an artistic craving...
There is a pretty good chance most of my emotions this week are due to a severe lack of good and/or long amounts sleep all week... Maybe I should work on that huh?
On all of these random notes, I leave you with one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser and her song Faithful, pretty much sums up how I am feeling.
We found our 4th and 5th roomies, and the great roomie swap begins this weekend...
As much as I would like to "love" Halloween.. I do not really care all that much for it. I enjoy dressing up (although in reality I've worn the same outfit every year since my dad bought me a BEAUTIFUL blue kimono dress that I love), I enjoy hanging out, and let's be honest.. I love anything that gives a reason to be festive and hang out with people... But, I am not the biggest fan of all the "other stuff" that typically comes with Halloween... So, while I have been invited to various parties, I am planning on avoiding them all.
I am buying my first piece of real furniture this week... a table and chairs. Mainly because ours will be leaving with the roomies moving out. So, I have decided that I might as well buy a set I will love for a very long time.. which means the tall counter-height table and chairs!... Although, one of my friends aptly pointed out that I "probably" should have bought a bed since I am still sleeping on an over-sized air mattress (3 years now..).
I am interested to see what the next year holds...
I am running a 10k on Sunday.. and I am unsure I can even run a 5k currently, should be interesting.
I have yet to decide or figure out what my plans for Thanksgiving are.. I had been hoping all year to be in Africa, God had other plans so, I guess now I will get a chance to see what those were.
The leaves are turning colors again, which is beautiful, but means cold weather is coming... I'm not the biggest fan of that...
I realized last weekend how different several relationships are in my life now than they were a year ago... A couple people I now view as having very prominent place had yet to even enter into my life. Another friend was a part of my group of friends where I used to live, we have known each other for years, but were never really close in a one on one friendship... However, she has become one of the few people who just get me.. I am so incredibly thankful for her, and amazed at how different of a friendship we have than I would have ever guessed before. She amazes me with how wise, thoughtful, funny, and genuine she is.. not to mention she seeks out the friendship just as much as I do, so there is always just this level of comfort when we hang out that I have with very... very few people here in DC... A part of me is sad I had not discovered this about her and the potential for our friendship three years ago when we first met. I am always amazed at how very different we are, but completely thankful that our friendship has become a totally unique thing all on its own, and taken a very welcome place in my life.
I have really become aware in the last few weeks how totally and utterly blessed I am.
I was musing to myself while driving earlier this week at how weird it is to feel contentment in my soul again. It feels like a foreign feeling.. a very welcome foreign feeling though. It is almost like the first warm sunshine on your skin after a particularly treacherous and cold winter... I cannot pinpoint where it has come from, and a part of me has had the (very stupid) feeling that if I dwell on it too much it will disappear again... Yet, I know that is a totally and utterly ridiculous thought (but very human of me still). I am amazed though at how constant it is, even with the continued (and rather awful) situations at work that always threaten my mood.. It has been very carefully protected and shielded from trivial things; and for that I am so thankful! There is a small part of me that does not want to do or try anything new in fear of causing the contentment to disappear again, but, at the very same time.. I feel like it has caused me to re-awaken the dreams and desires I have of life in general... Which means that soon God will be shaking things up again, and I will gladly take His hand and walk where He asks me to.. Only God could create something at your core that causes feelings that seem so polar opposites.
My dad has recently joined Facebook, and I love how easy it is to tell him how much I love him or let him know how frequently he comes to mind... I am so incredibly thankful for Facebook, e-mail, and skype for making the hundreds of miles not feel like anything at all.
Randomly, even though I have been listening to this song for a long time.. I out of the blue realized EXACTLY what it was talking about... haha.. I am real slow sometimes. Anyway, just thought I would share a song that has an amazing insight into the Christian walk... :)
"Love, where is your fire
I've been sittin' here smokin' away
Making signals with sticks
And odd ends and bits
But still there's no sign of a flame
Imposters have been passing
Offerin' a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out
For what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone
Some urge
Me to be temperate
Luke-warm will never do
[Chorus]
'Cos I, I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you
Holdin' my heart out
So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
'Til the time when you come
And I'm whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete
Some tell me
To be moderate
But lukewarm will never do
'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind (back of my mind)
That I'll offer you me, and you'll politely decline (no thank you)
So I hasten to mute it
I'll shout and rebuke it away
'Cos I
I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you, to you, to you
'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holdin' my heart out to you
Holdin' my heart out" - Love, Where is your Fire? - Brooke Fraser
"Speak to me in the light of the dawn Mercy comes with the morning I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me" C.S. Lewis Song, Brook Fraser
I know this is an odd quote to talk about, but every time I hear it come on my Ipod it sorta captures me.. Maybe because to me it's extremely vivid, I can literally picture what this would be like AND feel like. I dunno, but... whatever it is, it captures me, maybe it's the sound of the music behind the lyrics, maybe it's the sound of Brook Fraser's voice... maybe it's that I feel like I've been here and experienced this verse in the song. Whatever it is this verse captures me every time. Sometimes I feel like all I need is God to speak to me, and often it's on my way to work.. which is close to dawn... and I can't count the number of times I go to sleep begging God for something... and in the morning my outlook is just different... But, I also sometimes feel like I groan with creation.. especially when huge tragedy's happen and the evil and sin of man is exposed, it's like I ache in a completely different way, for the way things have gone so terribly wrong, and aren't the way they are meant to be.
"I just spoke silence to the seeker next to me, She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech That turned to me and asked belligerently 'what do I live for?" Hosea's Wife, Brooke Fraser
I feel like this describes me more often than I'd like to admit. I hate the idea that I speak silence when people are actually wanting me to give them hope. That idea kills me.
"There's nothing fancy bout the way I love you, It's as simple as the stars in the sky, and the blue in the sea. There's nothing fancy bout the way I love you, But it sure is fancy how you love me." Nothing Fancy, Dave Barnes
This is such a simple song, and so cute.. For whatever reason it captures my attention. :) I feel like it's a humble way of looking at love.. sorta an awe at the "prize" you have and the love you are allowed to show someone else. Love it :)
So, today's post will sorta be all over the place.. Please forgive me :)
I read several people's blogs and notes on facebook about their different missions adventures either coming up soon, or ones they are currently on... I can't really convey to you how much I wish I was doing that RIGHT NOW. Not that I am discontent here or feel unhappy by any means. I see the things here that I can do, and I see how I can show Jesus here. But, that's not the point... The point is that I am made for that... Later.
But, see here's the weird little twist added to all of this.. I am so incredibly happy where I am. I have made some of the most amazing friends... just found out one of my best friends of all time will be coming down here this summer!.. and while I get frustrated at some things at work.. I love those kids like crazy. I'm finally getting to the point where I can remember all of their names, and they come seek me out to tell me funny things, or just chit chat about whatever. It's great :) Frustrating at times.. but that comes with all teen interaction I think lol (Funny little saying about raising teens... "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jelly to a tree." HAHA!)
I came to the realization the other day that it will be another one of those break my heart when I have to move situations because I will miss everyone here so much. Never in anywhere that I've been have I experienced a group of people like this. I love them a whole bunch.. They are great friends and wonderful at encouraging and helping each other learn.. but mostly just BEING friends, hanging out, laughing, eating together, joking around.. and they are so open to new people. I can't wait for my best friend to meet everyone down here and get to know them all! It will be totally different than what she is used to.
So, how do you reconcile the fact that I so desperately want to be abroad doing missions.. yet want to stay here and build these friendships?.. Easy.. split into two people!.. haha.. dang it. Obviously not easy. I think at this point I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.. but I think it's incredibly healthy to be desiring to push forward and move on. Not because of the moving on itself, but because that inspires me to grow and learn and it keeps me from getting happy and content with mundane. I hate mundane (if you haven't been able to tell from my rantings haha). I'm not talking about being discontent. Please understand, there is a significant difference knowing in a couple years you will move on and be tasked with something different, and being excited about that time, and being discontent with where you are now. I am not discontent by any stretch of the imagination... But, I'm serious cultivating and fanning the flame of my passion to do missions abroad, it keeps me from being happy with mediocre. I don't want to be mediocre, and I desire to help others push past that too. I truly want to be a person who changes the world... I want to be the person that has touched more lives than people can count, I want to be the person that reached out and showed them Jesus.. just because I was there. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about fame here.. I don't care to be famous. I want to look back on my life and know that I have friends all over the world. I want my story to encourage others to seek hard after God's plan for their life regardless of what His plan is.
Speaking of changing the world, I think I'm well on my way. haha I have a good start! My mom and I were talking the other night on the phone.. just general stuff, what was going on, the obnoxiousness of the two teen boys living at home with new girlfriends, funny things my friends said.. basic conversation and suddenly my mom goes "You have over 900 friends on facebook!?" haha I couldn't help but bust up laughing.. especially knowing that I know all of them.. a couple (10 maybe) are friends of friends, but I won't just accept people who request me as a friend unless I know how I know them. We laughed about that for a bit, but it got me thinking... 900 something people I know are "listed" on my facebook.. how many more do I know that aren't on facebook? How many more people am I friends with that for some reason or another aren't "listed" anywhere?... My parents have joked for years that I either am or will soon know someone everywhere I go. I think this concept is great! One time a friend tried testing me and said... "what about Alaska?!".. haha I've been there for a wedding so I know an entire family that lives up there... But, seriously think about it if you intentionally sought to make a difference in the life of every person you've ever gotten to know.. how many thousands of people would be significantly changed?.. Do you realize how big that ripple effect would be?!
Do you realize how different the world would be?! I mean seriously think about how many people you know.. and I realize I know a lot more than the average just because I'm so social and outgoing... but either way we all have a realm of influence much larger than we realize. Do we seek to help them and make a difference to them?
One of the reasons I like being as busy as I am is because it means I'm spending that time investing in other people's lives. Granted sometimes it's just watching a movie.. playing games.. sitting next to them at the circus. But, the reality is at some point those times build up and lead to a level of trust, a comfort that wouldn't have been there had those things not taken place. So, then later I will have the basis to speak to them about hard things.. And, a lot of times it allows Jesus to shine through me simply by the WAY I live out my life. (Granted I wish I was better in several areas.. but I do truly try.) I want to be different, I want them to see why I'm different, and if that means being so busy I don't have time to clean my room very often.. haha I'm ok with that :)
Because of this philosophy of life I've sorta established for myself, I realized the other night that I don't complain about "the church." I don't enjoy conversations about how horrible most churches are or how they are failing at blah blah blah... I actually find them aggravating and it makes me want to slap the face off of whoever is doing the talking because it doesn't help anyone.. AND usually the people doing that kinda talk are either A. Not doing anything themselves. B. Not focused on the right things. or C. Talking to people who ARE doing things about it. It ends up making you want to shoot your brains out because it's painted in such a grim picture that clearly we are all failing miserably and making life worse for everyone else... Instead of helping make it better it actually has the reverse effect. So, I kinda have the the shut up and change it attitude when people talk about what "the church is failing at." If you're the "only one," so what.. work until you can't work anymore.. and then do it all over again the next day. Because, the reality is if you see such a problem, and you feel such a burden on your heart, God probably put it there for a reason... And, if God put it there, then you should be seeking Him with it anyway, and He WILL give you the tools you need to rock it. Pretty cool huh?
Just my random thoughts today haha :) I leave you with this song... Saving the World by Brook Fraser
So, I can't find the words to express how I'm feeling.. so here is what I'm feeling and thinking in a list of lyrics.. (ps I LOVE that music does this :)
" Will You touch my eyes so I can see Will You touch my ears so I can hear Will You touch my mind so I can know Will You touch my heart so I can love You more Won't You open me" - Open Me
" I need You like a hurricane Thunder crashing, wind and rain To tear my walls down I’m only Yours now I need you like a burning flame A wild fire untamed To burn these walls down I’m only Yours now " - Hurricane
" Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity" - Hosanna
"This is my prayer in the desert And all that's within me feels dry This is my prayer in the hunger in me My God is a God who provides" - Desert Song
"Theres distraction buzzing in my head saying in the shadows it's easier to stay but I've heard rumors of true reality whispers of a well-lit way when the world has fallen out from under me I'll be found in you, " -Shadowfeet "Won't You make me new, won't You make me true Jesus, won't You make me like You," - Open Me
" Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest" - Hosanna
"And this is my prayer in the fire In weakness or trial or pain There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold So refine me Lord through the flames" - Desert Song
"But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end Don't want to lose my sight of You" - Gravity
" And I'm not going to question, why You're so faithful Why that You give me the blessing that You have Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown" - All I Need
This is my prayer in the harvest When favor and providence flow I know I'm filled to be empited again The seed I've recieved I will sow" - Desert Song
Hmm.. Interesting flow if you read it at one continuous thought.. :)
I haven't been sleeping well for about a week now.. I don't think I've reach REM sleep at all any of the times I've attempted sleeping... more like that stage where you're sleeping.. but conscious enough to be thinking and aware that time is passing... So, the question is why? I can't say anything in particular is on my mind...
