"Sometimes life is just hard for no reason at all."
That's a quote from Remember the Titans. Coach Boone's wife said that to him when he was having a low moment, and for whatever reason, I have always just liked and remembered that quote. I think that for me it reminds me that there doesn't have to be a reason for Satan to attack us and make life hard. He just does, and we simply are fallen.. so life is just hard. It's ok because God always wins in the end, but it takes longer than we like to admit, and it's harder than we realize usually. In fact more often than not while I'm going through something it hurts more than I think I can handle and it lasts longer than I expect.
I have a hard time explaining how much I hurt when my friends hurt. The worst is when I can read it on their faces and in their body language, and have no idea how to help. I hate that, and pretty much all I know how to do is pray for their hearts. So I do, I pray that while they sleep God restores, fixes, molds, shapes, heals, and gives them rest in Him. I don't know what else to pray for them.
On a totally different topic, I got into a.. heavy discussion with a couple friends over the weekend about letting people help me and serve me. It was a needed conversation, and one I've continued to think about, but it was also not an easy conversation to have. Mainly because it caused me to have to be vulnerable... which I was, but was not very comfortable with. It was such a great conversation though because at points it was very intense in the fact that we each were whole heartedly serious in our thoughts and responses.. The thing that I appreciated the most was that they listened to me, heard me, and understood, then called me out in the areas I should at LEAST think about, and things I needed to realize from a different perspective. They also handled my verbal processing well... which is cause for major kudos :)
So, in an attempt to take what they were saying seriously.. I realize I need to allow people the chance to reciprocate. I need to allow them the chance to serve... Not just "give them" things to satisfy their desire to help me or be my friend. I haven't a clue how to do that, and I'm not at all comfortable with it... But, I realize it's important, more so than I realize I think. Because I seriously respect my friends and their hearts and perspectives, I am going to really try to learn how to... allow myself to lean on others equally instead of just "suck it up" and take care of them.
I also have begun trying to think through, and work through my idea of needs and wants... Usually, I just push things I want aside because it's not necessary... it's more frivolous and not essential. Where as on the other hand, I pay more attention to needs because in my mind those are what I should be focusing on.. I'm not saying I'm completely wrong, but just that I think I need to look a little more closely at my definitions and how I cause them to play out. Specifically how I cause them to play out when it comes to friendships. For example, I do not often accept things from friends that are their way of expressing love for me when it's outside my own major love languages. That's really a poor approach to love, even though I tend to purposefully do all of them for others... *sigh* I clearly have a lot to learn about loving and being loved.
Lord, Please help me learn to not just love the way you call me to, but also how you call me to be loved. Help me figure out how to be a better friend, and how to accept the friendships you give me. Help me let my issues go if it's pride related or some other hang up that should not be there, and help me learn how to not be selfish or self centered when it comes to friendships... Please help me learn to humbly accept what's given to me without fighting it or hurting the other person because of my response. It's moments like this that I feel frustrated and like I'm failing at being who I should be... Thank you for your grace in this, and please speak to my heart, helping me learn when to be silent and accept what you are trying to teaching me... I'm trying, but I need you to help me.
I will wait upon the Lord.