Pain and hurt are so hard to explain to someone not going through it. You can explain it, describe it, and give examples for them to compare it to, but the reality is no one else has anyway of feeling it with you. If you have read my blog for any amount of time, it does not take long to realize trying to push through pain and hurt are an ever-present goal and struggle for me. I have this insatiable desire to do things well, come through on the other side of something having done my absolute best, and for things to turn out well in the end. I am always hopeful and optimistic that in the end everything WILL be ok... Even if the end is too far away to see or grasp yet. I do not always voice my hope, but it is there.. and usually it is there in my knowledge of my Savior and His promises... Which are what gets me through the emotions of everything.
I went to bed last night hurting and frustrated.. I fell asleep in my prayers rebuking Satan and his demons from my mind, heart, room, house, from the situations I am in, and from the other people involved in my life that I know are struggling. I felt better as I drifted to sleep. When I woke up this morning it had been a solid night of unrest... I must have been having terrible dreams because I woke up at 2am hoping it was time to get up.. 2:50 thinking something was wrong with my phone I turned my phone on to check it, and received a text message from earlier that was encouraging in its own way. I was reminded in one line that I am not struggling alone, that it is not easy for them either. I then woke up at 5:00 frustrated, hot, and feeling like I had just come out of a terrible dream, but could not remember anything... I decided I should get up and go to the bathroom just to move around... Turned my ceiling fan on, and tried going back to sleep thinking, "Jesus this is ridiculous..." I woke from my barely asleep state with my alarm at 6:30 needing Jesus.. So, I played worship music and laid in bed attempting to pray away my feelings and frustrations... Only to then get up then 30 minutes late because of it, feeling no better.. Then to discover it is raining and I did not get the chance to set up the coffee the night before. Thank you Jesus for friends who live on my way to work, who make more coffee then they need...
So, not "feeling" anything today, no motivation, and no desire to do anything... I thought "maybe if I go back through my blog I will find something from my past that will encourage me..." .. and I did. Whew, thank you Jesus! So, here are a few quotes from one of my blogs in December (My Sandpapered Heart) that challenged me and reminded me... (I have bolded the parts that really jumped out at me again)
"I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?...
Will I obey Him when it hurts?
What about when I do not understand and I am scared?"
"What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."
Another thing he (Dr. Wheeler) mentioned was that 'We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor.'
He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.
My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over, no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...
So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."
When I re-read that something inside of me jumped. I was reminded that I MUST above anything else obey my Savior regardless of how I feel. I can pity party or make up excuses about my attitude and reactions because of my terrible night sleep all I want, but that changes nothing about my reality.. I must follow and run the race that my Lord has set before me.
“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” – Galatians 6:9
My biggest fear currently is totally irrational and not at all what I have seen, experienced, and know as truth. I fear that I will work at my short comings, learn to be more patient, and persevere, work at being more graceful and loving etc.. etc.. and in the end it will not matter anyway, I will lose and it will all be pointless. Where in the world does this thought process come in? It is false and a lie, I know in my mind that is a lie. I fear that once again I will fail and that it is safer and easier to rely on only myself. I do not want this lie anywhere near me, which is why I am mentioning it, I have found voicing fears and concerns always seem to help me see the reality and truth in them, as well as the foolish thoughts and emotions behind them.
Lord, I cannot do this on my own, I need you because I am weak and impatient and short sighted. Please help me, give me guidance, help my faith, and calm my fears. Help me to rest in you and your promises with unwavering certainty. Help me to be obedient even when I do not understand or feel like doing so.