I feel... I do not know how I feel. I have seriously been struggling the last couple weeks. I hate that. I hate when you struggle and there are no good words that I could use to explain why. I hate when emotions take over and I have no reason to explain them...
I have had to work hard at not exploding or saying things to people who deserve nothing but kindness in return.. Or, in some cases I have just been annoyed to be around people.. people I love dearly and LOVE spending time with... I just feel irritated and frustrated for no reason at all. Tense for no reason, upset, annoyed.. no reason. *sigh* I am not this girl, so what gives? PMS?... haha I wish, that is easy for me to deal with. I am not that girl either, and it is not the same.
If I can put a face to the emotion, I do alright, I can control it, hide it, resolve it.. whatever I need to do in order to deal with it and move on.
The problem is when I cannot figure out the problem. I feel like I am blind, and hurting, and there is nothing to be done but sit and wait. I can point to all kinds of things that have caused stress, things that have taken my attention, things I am worrying about... but none of them are enough to cause me to feel like I am hurting.
The weirdest thing about all of this.. I can STILL see God working. This is not a "God where did you go?" time... This is much more along the lines of "okaayyy.. I see you working and moving.. so why do I feel like this still?" This is not a crisis of faith or even doubting His will or plan. Nothing even resembling that. In fact, I have been praying and spending more time just sitting in His presence... with the simple goal of spending time with Him. Sometimes, I have an agenda, things I feel really heavy on my heart... mostly people and situations I need to pray for. Other times I just show up with no agenda, just a desire to reconnect with my Savior. And yet, still I hurt and feel blind.
Ironically... I kinda knew this was coming. I had a feeling awhile ago that something was coming. I thought maybe it would involve pain, and I just prayed no one would die... (no one has that I know of).
Last Friday, one of my best friends from college called and said they had time to talk cause they were driving home for a wedding... And, we just talked. Talked about what was new, going on, things God is doing. It was a truly awesome time of just catching up. One of my favorite things about our friendship is how solid it is always. We can go months and months and not talk, but as soon as they hear my voice they know how I am doing, if I am ok, what I need.. and since they know me so well, they just get when I am trying to process while I am talking. I love that they get me, they know my past, my history, past issues and problems... and they have this ability to put it all together and it makes sense.
My mom called last Sunday just to talk. I have an amazing Mom. She said almost right away, "You've been on my mind. Are you ok?" ... "No." ... We talked for a long time just about everything, how I am feeling, what I see, the things that are incoherent, the illogical and irrational feelings. I rambled like a crazy person because I have no idea what is going on inside of me. All I know is the feeling, and describing it is so ridiculously hard. My mom did such a great job just letting me ramble. :)
Then, last night I made it to the gym totally excited and needing to be at the gym working off way more coffee then I should consume in 2 days... I got half way through my work out routine, getting ready to swim for an hour or so when things went south. A friend got a phonecall, we basically had to pray, then she had to go deal with some things. By the time she was leaving I did not have enough time to swim before Bible study... Oh.. and my comp is having problems.. and the newly fixed car had a check engine light come on... Awesome. I arrived at Bible study barely holding it together, but able to fake it enough to get to watching the video. Then, a friend sitting next to me asked if I was ok, and I had a choice to make.. Lie or be honest. I thought seriously about lying, and realized I saw her reading my eyes and lying would do nothing for hiding, and I shook my head and said quietly, "No. I'm not ok." She froze and then asked if I wanted to talk, I said "No, because I will cry if I begin talking." She asked if I was sure, and much to my relief let it go until after the video was over and most had left. We decided a starbucks run (why not get more coffee..) was in order. So, we left and went there.. And, once again I began detailing out how I was not ok, and I was frustrated, and I could not explain why. It was good. She has such a loving and truly caring spirit that it was nice to just talk.. we talked about ALL kinds of things, any rabbit trail my mind went down, she so lovingly and gracefully followed me through it all.
Between the several conversations I have explained, and other ones I have not (mainly because this would be the worlds longest blog entry)... One friend summed everything up and said "I think maybe all of this is God's way of pushing you to a much deeper level of trust in Him and His plan."
I think she is right. I do not like how I am feeling right now, but I also know God is working. That is enough, even in the midst of these feelings.