2010.... Never Again...

This past year was in one word: Awful.

I mean there obviously were highlights, some of them also lead to lowlights.. and so many times I found myself saying "God.. How long?!"

So, with that being said, this has become my staple blog each year.. reviewing what happened this year, and then what I am hoping for and looking forward to this next year. This is my favorite post because this is when I really detail and lay bare what I have learned, how I have grown, and the various things I have gone through.

I started out ringing in the new year in Times Square in NYC. Had an absolute blast, and treasure the memories I have from that trip.

(this is a really long post.. but I am not sorry since this is my blog :)

January
Two weeks into the new year my boss left for more reasons than is a good idea to discuss, which then suddenly launched me into a totally unstable year.

One of my roomie's and I had a falling out of sorts... and it began several months of avoidance, frustration, and ultimately the death of a friendship by the time we moved out of our house several months later. 

I discovered that because of the absence of my boss, who I had grown to really enjoy working with, respected, and cultivated a mutual trust when it came to thoughts and ideas, I now had to attend a couple day conference in DC... That ended on the day I get off, my birthday. But!.. It was going to be ok because me and various friends had the birthday of all birthday weekends planned.. It was going to be awesome.

Then, snow destroyed every single plan as I drove the 3 hours home after the conference. My Friday night plans to go Salsa dancing and have several other friends from around the state had to be canceled, my Pedicure/manicure with another friend, canceled. Getting my new tattoo, canceled. And, unknown plans for Sunday, canceled.

Instead, I arrived home to a..... well meant (sorta) birthday prank done in my bedroom, that took 45 minutes to clean up. A "make up" birthday party before the majority of the snow hit, and then I got snowed in with 7 people in a very small house... When all I wanted to do was be left alone and sulk.

However, after a solid day of sulking, but pretending I was not actually in a bad mood, a couple people I was stuck with began helping me unravel my frustrations.. and we ended up with some HYSTERICAL pictures and videos of us.. "working of" the cabin fever by using each other as weights for a Cross Fit exercise. It was awesome, and left each of us with lots of laughter and fun memories... By far the best part of the weekend!

February
I began this month leaving the Leadership team I had been a part of for the last year. It was time to not be involved, and through an unfortunate series of events throughout several months I realized not only did I dislike helping, I was feeling beat up and frustrated... It was time to leave as gracefully as I could. But, it unfortunately did not completely solve some of the issues that had started it in the first place. I am however very thankful that resolution of the individual issues took place, but it was clear that things would not go back to the way they were before, which was very unfortunate.

My family dealt with a whole lot of drama at home, and I was stuck 12 hours away helpless.

A guy who had positioned himself as significantly important friend in my life left for GA for military training and Ranger school. Which meant inevitably that it was the beginning of life never being the same once again. I was both amazed at how much I dreaded him leaving, and how much I was worried he and I would discover we were not actually friends after all... and we would lose total contact. He surprised me with a letter he had given to his cousin (one of my best friends).. and the letter made me cry. It was just very sweet and mixed humor and jokes with a very serious amount of establishing our friendship as important even though it would be changing dramatically.

March
At a sunday school get together I officially met and began talking to a guy I would later date for a short period of time.

I continued random mishaps and stress at work.. had several minor car problems.. and became a bridesmaid.. All in one day.

I went to the doctors and discovered my normal "girl" cycle was not actually normal in the symptoms and was put on medication to assist. It was also discovered that I have a lump, maybe two, and even though they are small, and could be caused by several things, we would wait until my next appointment to see if there are any changes... I only told my cousin, and began the process of coming to terms with the idea that I might have cancer, and I would find out March of 2011. It took me several months to tell anyone else, and 9 months before I would inform my parents. Discoveries like this are something that are probably among the most closely guarded for several reasons, the main one being that it is highly emotional by nature, and before I give the information to those around me and subsequently have to deal with their emotions I first want to have a handle on my own and figure out what I think and feel... So that, I can assist those around me with however they feel. And, the other big reason is, if it does end up being a worse case scenario, I want to make sure I am in a state at which even though it would be happening to me, I can help those around me deal with whatever would be coming... It really is all I feel I can do, so I wanted to be calculated in how I handled it.

Just after all of that two of my best friends and I disappeared to PA and went camping, rode 4-wheelers, and literally did nothing... We all were stressed out like crazy and needed a break. It was an absolutely amazing weekend!

April
One of my best friends and his wife made their what has turned into annual trips to see me for Easter.. Which was much needed. I talked to them about the new guy I had met, and all of the various things I liked, was not sure about, and all of the surrounding thoughts.

I disappeared to Charleston with two of my best friends for Spring Break. We spent most of the time laying on a beach or walking around, it was awesome and another much needed break... that of course brought a WHOLE lot of memories. The guy and I began talking quite a bit more and I found myself struggling with being scared that I might like a guy, and excited that a guy might like me.

We began dating not long after, and I was entered into the world of cars, military, and a whole lot of additional stress... That I willingly chose because I did in fact like this guy, more so then probably many of the other guys I have dated. My dad eloquently put it that I had "nothing to gain from walking away from him, and really nothing to lose by trying and seeing where it could go." So, that's exactly what I did. Resolved that I would pray myself through, and let God deal with the specifics... especially my terrified heart at letting a guy get close to me.

I was in the wedding I was made a bridesmaid for a month earlier. Met a girl (another bridesmaid) who I absolutely adore and cherish my time with her!

May
My boyfriend and I officially broke up, but we did not tell anyone for a bit, because of trying to figure things out... Which lead to a lot of tears when I finally did tell my best friends...And, then... we acted like we were still dating, only without the stress of everyone asking when we were getting married.

I moved about a mile in a half away from where I was living to a house one of my roomie's bought.. We painted, moved, and I left for a wedding in OH all in a 3 day  period.. in which I did not actually help move the furniture!.. (whoopsie).

The day I got back two friends were in town from various military places... So, I made a point to see them and spend time with them... even though I was totally and completely exhausted and worn out.

June
We hired a new boss, and while thankfully it was the one I liked better, it did nothing to relieve the stress at work.. and in some ways increased my stress because people came into my office daily to unload their stresses and worries on me.

My roomie and I established a fantastic home, and I was sad that her schedule required her to spend most of the month gone traveling.

I began having almost unbearable back and neck pains and began going to a chiropractor 3 times a week for almost 3 months some fairly extensive treatments.

I went to New Hampshire and New York for weddings of some great friends.

I had my emotions jerked all over the place and finally decided that I had had enough, and I felt like God was telling me to walk away, so, I was no longer going to seek after my (not) boyfriend. I explained how I felt, and that if he "wanted me, come get me" that I had no intention of running and hiding or playing hard to get, but that I was no longer going to seek him out. It was his job to come for me... if he wanted me. He made it pretty clear pretty quickly that he did not actually want me, and he made no attempts to come get me... Which realizing that you are not wanted in any capacity in someone's life is a significant blow, especially when you really like and care for them... And after they have told you repeatedly things indicating they feel differently.

July
I went and saw my bff in Atlanta for the first time since November... I arrived feeling totally broken and hurting. I had finally arrived to July of '10.. and while I knew God had told me in a dream 2 years prior that something significant this month, all I felt was pain, hurt, and like I had just spent the last 6 months getting beat up from every direction without reprieve. My bff and her recent fiance spent the weekend just loving on me, and we spent 4th of July with the Zacharias family, and it was awesome.

I ran in the the ex a couple time in the beginning of July, and while the interactions were "fine" with no significant drama, there was a decent amount of hurt because of realizing I had been lied to (regardless of the reason) about how he felt, and the fact that his actions made perfectly clear he did not want me.. That's a hard pill to swallow since I believed what he had told me before.

My roomie finally returned home to spend a couple weeks home before being gone again... Man did I need her around. We had countless talks sitting on the kitchen floor.. She was such a blessing.

I went home for the first time since Christmas for a whirlwind weekend for my Grandpa's wedding. Received more hugs then I knew what to do with, and ate it up.

I left July and entered August on a trip with work to Myrtle Beach. I was co-in charge of one of the boys cottages, and really loved the time with my kids... And the beach.

My family had another bout of significant drama that I could do nothing to help.. in South Carolina... Ugh.

August
Ironically through it all, I entered August feeling totally still inside. Somehow, through it all God heard my cries in July and stilled my heart, whispered He was in fact here, and He did hear me. All I needed to do was be still and trust Him.

I researched, and despite my better judgment enrolled in a double masters program.

Found out a week in a half before my 2 year anniversary that I was going to be let go in December... Which meant my feeling of "two years" was accurate... as was "July of '10" in terms of being significant in my life. When friends found out I am fairly confident they were certain I would have a mental breakdown and several of them I think inadvertently acted as though they were on suicide watch... Even though I told them over and over that I was at total peace with it all, God told me this would happen, and I believed Him.

I commenced to apply for what turned out to be 70+ jobs... Praying that I would hear back from just 1 saying they wanted to hire me... I also began covertly training people at work on how to do the job I had spent the last 2 years creating. Knowing the entire time that if I mentioned anything at this point it would make the entire situation worse, and people would sabotage their jobs or become bitter... Which is the last thing I wanted for my kids.

My friend graduated from Ranger training, and I was able to go see it, and see him. It was an awesome visit!

September
I started school... once again, slightly excited, and slightly bitter that I was back in this situation.

I spent pretty much all of my time working, job hunting, and doing school... It was not fun.

October
I had a job interview, and ultimately was offered a job in DC... Well, technically Alexandria. I decided to take the job, and start November 1st.

I began packing my life up for the second time in a few months, I began training people for real on how to do my job, and tried figuring out how to pack, move, finish a class, start another class, and start a new job all in the same week.

I also began saying all my goodbyes... it sucked and I was not prepared for it.

I moved, again.

November
I started a new job, and began a class I came to disdain, loath, despise, etc...

I moved in with three girls I did not know, in a huge house, and discovered once again I am so very different then most Christian girls.

Work clearly is going to offer me lots of experience, but quickly established itself as a fairly stressful and aggravating entity in my life... God clearly put me here, but I am still a little unsure why.. But, here I am Lord, send me is still my mantra.

I realized how much I made Lynchburg my home, and the people there my family.

I got to skype with my bff who was traveling abroad with work for a month.. Man did I need her!

I went to TN to visit my dad's real dad and new wife for Thanksgiving... dragging one of my best friends along... It was, interesting, and I felt like I needed to be there, but still am not totally sure why.

A good friend from MI began going through some absurd and ridiculous things.. which then affected my family.. and yet again.. I am hours upon hours away, able to do very minimal to help... *sigh*

December
I loath my online class.

Decisions at work were mirroring rookie mistakes and actions... Causing a significant amount of aggravation. And, here I am again repeating some seriously stressful situations at work that I went through last year... Again, I am not sure why, but I am supposed to be here, so.. here I am.

I went to Atlanta for a weekend.. and loved my time there!

I went home and took one of my new roommates with me. It was so good to be home, man was it hard to leave... I also told my parents about the medical situation I have, and everything I know to date, and figured giving them three months to adjust was probably a good idea.. just in case.

2010
This was an awful year filled with more crappy crap crap then good by a long shot, and while I know things "could be worse" I certainly feel like I am ending this year with more bruises and scars then I care to admit, and an overwhelming amount of awful memories then good ones this year... However, through it all, I still praise God's Holy Name. I still give Him the glory, and I know I do not deserve better.. but I certainly ask for Grace AND growth for 2011... Is that even possible? I am not broken merely because my Savior is a good God. That is all, that is the only reason.

I hope this next year is full of countless more adventures, more laughter then I can store, and while I never want to whine so much about the pain that I forget others have it worse, and I would never ask for less pain and hurt.. I would also never ask to repeat this year. I am made stronger, this I know. Praise be to my God and my Salvation.

Be Done...

At this point I am just ready to be done... Be home, snuggling with the munchkins, eating way too much food, laughing like crazy at who knows what, and mostly just being home...

My class has one more day, and it could not come fast enough.

Work has been stressful.. but it feels like needlessly stressful, if only people would follow a logical process for doing things.

I have been sleeping horribly for a while now. Mostly just waking up a bunch of times throughout the night, which is normal, but usually I do not remember or wake up long enough to register a thought... but, lately I wake up, and wonder what time it is, how much longer do I have to sleep... what do I have to do the next day, do I need to shower in the am.. weird stupid stuff..

I am ready for Christmas, and a reboot.. Somehow Christmas is always magical, and makes me feel refreshed and excited about the next year..

Plus, we have an AWESOME 007 James Bond theme New Years party at our house this year.. I'm very excited :)

Africa

I have decided I need to go back to Africa, and soon.

Last week I was not having a particularly good week, and one certain evening I came home from a not good day at work, took a nap, woke up to an empty house, ate a random dinner and watched a youtube video of an interview with Brooke Fraser where she talked about her song Albertine, and her time in Rwanda. Half way through the interview I almost began crying, and decided I need to go back.. it has been over 2 years since I have been to Africa, or on any missions trip in general... way.. way too long.

So, since I make a point to do things that I really feel passionately about.. or even just things that I like, I have decided I am planning a trip to Africa in 2011. Currently I am thinking of Thanksgiving, since that's an automatic 4 days, because if I want to be gone for 10 days, that week would include 6 days of weekend/vacation.. meaning I only have to take 4 vacation days!... Unless I decide I just cannot handle it, and I just never come home... ;)

The plan is obviously still a molding and making process, and I really must throw this out there.. I will plan for and take anyone who wants to come. They will need to either work together as a group to raise the funds or supply their own way.. However, I will go alone even if no one chooses to come with me. Currently I want to go somewhere in East Africa/Central Africa. But, I am not gonna lie.. I once again am aiming towards seeing the sunrise or sunset from each side of every ocean... So the Indian Ocean or Red Sea is a substantial goal for this trip too :)

I cannot wait to go, see what happens, and explore.. be in and around a country doing things that I love. Seeing the faces of beautiful children, and getting the chance to smile, laugh, and hold their hands.

So, if you want to come, let me know. If you want to help me fund going or if you want to help someone else come with me, let me know... I am really excited about just getting to go be on the continent of Africa again soon. I cannot wait for the dust on my feet, the smells, the faces, and the emotions that God infuses into my heart and in my bones. My prayers from now until then are that the right people come together to go, and that God moves and does exactly what He has planned... But, most of all, that I am mold-able and able to be moved and persuaded by the Holy Spirit.. and, that I am obedient.
 (I found this picture online.. it's AMAZING!)

 

I found it from here.

Girl Time...

I have never been one for "girl time" in high school the overwhelming majority of my friends were guys, and only in college did the scale tend towards evening out. However, I still avoided "girl nights" most of the time.. I dislike bridal showers, baby showers, and I would rather stick a needle in my eye then play shower games and watch a soon to be bride open embarrassing items. In fact, one time in college I escaped a girls night... and when they came looking for me, I hid.. I was NOT a fan.

*** Disclaimer*** Understand, I do not mean for this idea of "Girl time" to be confused with one on one time with girl friends.. I am specifically referring to a mass number of girls together... with no purpose but to... be stupid girls.***

So, what's the problem?.. Girls. Especially mass quantities of girls. I go nuts when girls become a gangling group of gossips (like that?)... I mean seriously, think about it... groups of girls get together and they gossip... spread and share their emotions and craziness with each other. Ew. Who wants to be around that?! It is not fun. Torture... like water-boarding.. maybe.

However, within the last year or two I have discovered how much I enjoy hanging out with mature, loving, inspiring, engaging, Christian women.. who TRY to glorify the Lord. You know, the ones that spend time trying to lift you up and encourage you... Are real and portray no ounce of fake... The ones that you LOVE being around them because they lighten the room, they bring class and a sense of humor with them all the time.. The special ones that when you talk to them, they see you, they love you, and the focus on you as though you are the most important thing in the world to them. Aka.. The ones who love the Lord, and it shows.

Time with my girl friends from Lynchburg, I am pretty sure can cure any ailment.. and today I discovered a group of women who make me laugh.. they are encouraging, entertaining, exciting, (I don't think I can keep up with the e's....), but more than anything, all discussions were.. normal. I mean we talked girl things.. like weddings, and fashion... sales etc.. but, there was plenty of normal conversation, intellectual talks, and lots of humor. We had food and made crafts, it was a lot of fun. It was needed, and it was great to laugh. Specifically one of the women I gravitated towards right away was full of energy, she's a wife to a pastor, and a mother to a 2 year old and she was hysterical.. so very real (the type that is crazy beautiful and loving!). She is from GA, and she has such a passion for life.. whatever that brings, but is quick to point out how amazed she is by others qualities and choices. She was such a breath of fresh air.

I love how faithful God is, and how He provides exactly what you need RIGHT when you need it...

Like my BFF who called last night "just because" and some how ALWAYS manages to get me to laugh and smile. She is the perfect combination of beauty, humor, grace, class, optimism, and she does all of these things authentically and is able to use these things to encourage me in a way that does not make me more aggravated. She just gets me and I love it!

My cousin who made the time to ask me why I was upset.. then proceeded to listen to me vent about all the ridiculous things that were bothering me.. With a solution of "all you need is time with me.." oh how right she is!

The roomie who has somehow positioned herself not as best friend, but as my sister... the one that chooses to live with my crazy things, loves me anyway.. and somewhere along the way SHE became where home is... She knows everything, but instead of acquiring the title of best friend attained sister.. And, for anyone who is close to their sisters (like I am) you realize how much you need them in your life.. every day. She somehow manages to make me laugh when I'm PISSED at homework by pointing out how she couldn't possibly buy those shoes cause they are "sexy and stylish" ... and clearly she's "none of those things..." HAHA!

The best friend that puts up with my randomness.. (and even claims to enjoy it!).. Voluntarily joins me in stressful situations, defuses it with humor... and stalks me with pictures. Helps me process like crazy, and never judges me for any thought I have... instead helps me come back to reality and remember what's important.... And, has probably sat in a car with me more than anyone else in my life! Ha! 

The roomie who makes me food and listens to me complain a RIDICULOUS amount about the homework instead of sucking it up.. and she so graciously listens and patiently puts up with my overly dramatic reactions to life.. Then passes me a brownie and makes my life better.

The one that patiently taught me to dance.. and makes sure to touch base with me a couple times a week... Is insanely encouraging and uplifting. Seeks my thoughts and opinions and listens to my over reactions to things.. that I claim is just how I feel.. when everyone knows it is an over reaction... Who pursues my friendship for the sole purpose of being my friend... no agenda, just.. be around me.

The endless number of girl friends that comment on my pictures, blogs, status updates.. and send nothing but encouragement and humor. The ones who seek me out because they love me.. and that is all... Gosh am I so blessed, and how different the sheer quality AND quantity of women God has placed in my life...

So, as I get older and God graces me with amazing women in my life... Girl time has become less torturous and more enjoyable and loved. haha.. how funny!

Grumpy...

Most of the time I am full of laughter and joy... Recently though, I have felt incredibly grumpy. I mean I have still laughed at things, had good times with friends and such, but I am so easy to annoy and put in a bad mood recently.. or at least that is how I feel, even if no one else notices...

I have discovered a severe disdain for economics... Specifically Market Structures and all of the ridiculous graphs, curves, lines, and anything having to do with marginal or total... This week has pretty much consisted of homework = insta-pissy-krista... Sorry to all my friends who talked to me during my homework periods this week... :/

Work has been.. interesting.

I feel.. frumpy. I haven't worked out in a few months, and I NEED TO.. I seriously miss it.. enough to have decided I am heading back to the gym because it is easier than fitting anything else into my schedule at the moment.. And, this I feel fat and gross thing.. not working for me... And, before anyone tries to figure out a way to "make Krista feel better" I really think it is just a need for the sweat inducing endorphins... I know I "look fine," I just feel gross... But I have to wait until the next paycheck.. Dang.

I miss several people a whole heck of a lot... they have no idea.

The one good thing from the last week was putting together a Christmas package for my Chaplain friend in Afghanland.. It took me and one of my roomie's 4 hours.. and we swapped stories and laughed the whole time, it was definitely much needed.

A few nights ago as I lay FREEZING in bed trying to breath, not cough, and sleep at the same time, I laid there and paused for longer than I have in a very long time and just prayed for various troubles going on in my life and the life of those I love. Things people need like jobs, income, comfort, and a few to have their faith restored... It was at that point that I realized I have been so busy.. doing whatever task is directly in front of me that I realized I have forgotten to take time to be.. to do whatever.. to do something just for the fun of it because I wanted to.. No wonder I am tired and fighting headaches a lot recently. I cannot even begin to express how much it frustrates me that I do not feel like I am hearing God right now.. and mostly because I am not MAKING time to sit and be still. Oh gosh how I miss the feeling of that time... And then I sit and wonder why I am a grump... haha.. I am such a dumb, slow, child of our Savior. You would think I would learn... But, no.. I cycle through like this so often it is infuriating.

Oh my sweet Savior... Come rescue me from myself again. Remind me who you are, who I am... and who I am not. Calm my anxious heart and speak peace into my mind. Forgive me for the things I have chosen to do that are ridiculous and stupid, but more, forgive me for the things I have not done that you ask me to do. Bring the people into my life that I need to remind and ground me, show me who I you want me to reach out to. Give me words and keep me silent before I prove myself a fool. I am desperate for your restoring waters, fill my weary bones, restore my aching body, make new my heart.

"Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." - Ps. 119:35

Sometimes...

Life is just hard. There is no explanation, not rhyme or reason, and nothing seems to make it better. Life is painful and full of sorrow.

Recently I have been exposed to some incredibly painful situations that do not actually involve me at all, but involve those that I love dearly. I have been faced with these incredible women who are full of life, energy, laughter, and care.. and in almost no time at all they have been torn down, demolished, and broken into these dripping with pain girls... And, to be totally honest, it was men who should have done nothing but protect and love them. How much it just tears at my heart to watch life be so cruel.. I. Hate. Satan. And, I mean that.. to watch how he deceives men into destroying women. Both being incredible and wonderful creations of God... I hate how easy it is for men to tear us down, to abuse us, and destroy and wield power over us they were never intended to have.

My heart hurts for these women in my life. Every time I remember them the pain comes and it almost takes my breath away it hurts so bad... and that's my ever present reminder to pray for them... I was informed by one of my friends that I have "potent" prayers... So, by golly I'll pray til I am blue and my knees are torn up!.. which really means my 3x5 bathroom mirror card is getting filled quickly at this point. *sigh*

My God is ever faithful. He does in fact make things better. He is ready to save, and He will... Just ask Him to sweep you away... Please pray for my friends... Please.

Glimpses of Life...

Here are a few pictures from this weekend.. One of my best friends came up to visit and we celebrated her birthday with randomness all weekend long.. plus lots and lots of pictures :) We had fun.

This is the place that is now my life... (didn't take all of these.. half of them were taken by my friend :)

One of many cool memorials:

A fantastic sunset... and an official national building of some sort...

Same sunset.

The White House... aka my house...... JK! ;)

The Metro... A transportation that is unpredictable but often cheaper..

Walking... Lots of walking, LOVE IT! (I'm the all dark one haha)

My friend took this.. I really like this picture for some reason.. :)

Every time I turned around during our exploring she was taking more pictures! haha

Us visiting the Einstein memorial, it was pretty cool!

Albert Einstein's memorial... you can't tell in this picture, but there are metal buttons on the ground... They represent constellations! It was awesome.

Taking a break mid 45-mile walk.. lol

Resting in one of the parks... I love parks in the middle of a busy city.

My life is markedly different then I would have expected a year ago... even a couple months ago. But, I am loving the adventure that is coming my way, the unknown excites me more than it scares me at this point, and since I am totally blind to what is coming, it is forcing me to take everything in stride and open my eyes to the beauty and challenges that are around me. I am learning to delight in the challenges. I am learning to take in differences and recognize them as exactly that, a difference that has more to do with preference, and less to do with right or wrong. I am learning all over again and in new ways how to grow gracefully. I am learning about new cultures, and loving it. I am looking around me and seeing a Savior God lacking in so many people's lives, and it hurts my heart all over again. I am being reminded daily it is not my job to take offenses that are meant towards God, it is my job to love in a very real way. I am learning that in new places with new people, there are different battles to choose... and they are markedly different then other places and with other people... I am welcoming it.

Lord, my love, be here. Guide me.

Edgingly Different...

I was thinking about this yesterday as I drove to work. How "out of control" of my life I am. I mean I never planned to end up working on the 4th floor of a National organization in Old Town Alexandria. I never would have chosen to move to DC and become a part of the life and culture here. I never would have guessed that I would have spent two years in central VA, and I certainly never would have guessed I would have all the physical things I have. How is it that I own a car, am renting a HUGE house, own a Mac computer, an ipod nano, a slew of fantastic clothes, shoes, and jewelry, and the finances that allow me to essentially plan to buy whatever I want at some point in the relatively near future if I budget correctly. How have I become that person?.. I have no idea. I did not set out after college to get or be this type of person, all I wanted to do was love people for Jesus. So, in fact, my goal after college was to spend 27 months in Africa with the Peace Corps. Instead I have spend the last 3 1/2 years building a resume that is so much more fantastic then I feel I am. How have I found myself placed in a job that is so well paying that I am going to knock out substantial amounts of debt very quickly? I have no idea. I have not set out for riches or fame, in fact, I could careless about ever owning a home of my own... And yet, here I am feeling totally overwhelmed with the things I am blessed with in my life. How have I become this person? So insanely blessed that I do not know what to do with it?.. I do not know. All I know is that I am constantly praying that the Lord does not let me get swept away with the tides of the fickle people that surround me and do no turn to Him. I do not want to become this person without Him. I am not drawn to it, and I certainly do not need it, so then I must have a purpose, a mission, an adventure, and it would be impossible without His guidance.. or rather it would be pointless and have about the value of a vapor on a windy day.

I want to gallivant around this town being edgingly different. I want people who meet me to be perplexed by the dynamics that make up who I am. I do not care if they look at me and decide based on my looks that I must be different or the same, what I want is for them to walk away from an encounter with me knowing I am real, loving, and that my life is being driven by Christ. I want to be different because normal is overrated. I have discovered safe is boring and not at all what we are called to surround ourselves with, and I have never desired for the "comfortable" so why would I start now? I want the ones who are scorned by other Christians to be drawn to me, to my life, to my laughter, to my joking, to my love, and to my Savior God.

I am so much further from perfect and put together then I would like to be at this point in my life... But, it is who I am, and where I am at, so Lord use it. I am going to grow like whoa here in the metropolis that is DC, but I am also excited to push to be even more passionate, excited, and in love with my sweet Jesus. How exciting that I have been put here. God is good.

Now, for those of you that keep asking, here is a bit about my actual life and first week here... I finally feel like I am at this point of no longer being overly stimulated or overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of the things I am now having to adjust to and call home. I caught up on homework which was a huge help, and was able to do some familiar things, even though it was in a totally new place.

So, to explain the random assortment of things that have happened my first week here:

From a work perspective:
Day 1 - Sunny
Day 2 - Partly cloudy
Day 3 - Mostly cloudy
Day 4 - Rainy...
Day 5 - I was amusingly expecting a monsoon or snow.. thankfully it was partly sunny haha

From a life perspective:
Thursday I decided staying home and doing homework was not at all enticing since I had spent the previous three evenings doing exactly that, so I peaced out and went salsa dancing. I enlisted the help of my wonderful friend who exposed me to the Latin dance world to begin with and we found a place not too far away that would be good and allow me to "just dance" haha I only stayed for a couple hours, but was able to partake in an intermediate class, learn some new things, and then dance. Surprisingly, I was asked to dance a decent amount, and quickly realized that I have a long way to go until I can consider myself a good dancer... but, I am really excited to be around such a large number of good dancers on a regular basis to help me improve!

I also discovered this week that my church has a martial arts bible study that meets on Sundays, trains some, then goes through some Bible passages.. I'm stoked!.. Especially since there's Arnis involved as one of the styles!! :) Between these two activities, it has helped curb my (I'm sure false) feelings of becoming "fat and lazy." I am excited to know that I don't HAVE to go running if I don't want to, I can dance and do martial arts for very little money or travel.. and I don't have to worry about or get aggravated by ancient mysticism working its way into my martial arts!

Friday night, I met up with a friend from Lynchburg and a local friend of hers, and we went to Old Town and had a great night just hanging out... and maybe laughing at the incredibly unaware white men really feeling and trying to "channel" Kesha on the dance-floor... poor guys.

Today, I went with those same friends to explore Georgetown. We had some fantastic coffee... Who's employees were incredibly amused by my typical "Americano with Flavor." "What flavor?" "Surprise me." :) We walked around, I got some GREAT ideas for Christmas, and realized how cheap and practical I am yet again... and then got a FANTASTIC Chai cupcake. This is also about when I realized that I even though cheap and buy pretty much NOTHING unless it is on-sale.. I enjoy great food, and am ok spending money on good food.... Weird?.. Maybe a bit haha

Tonight, I plan on heading to a friend of a friends house... by myself to partake in a game night! Haha, good thing I do not scare easily huh? Showing up to a random persons house where I know no one to play games.. I must be crazy right?... Or maybe I just have a Savior, a blackbelt, and a severe lack of fear of social situations lol Besides, how else am I supposed to meet people? Everyone has fears, insecurities, goals, ambitions, stories, and a past... No one is totally unique and normal. I just assume that we have an equal amount of good stories and bad stories from our past, and that they look at me and recognize that I am just as "normal" as they are.. so why not be friends? :) The idea of strangers has always been a foreign concept to me... They're only strangers until you can introduce them to someone else right?... And that, takes a grand total of knowing someone for 30 seconds...

I am really excited to make the trek to Church tomorrow... To once again have church in the basement of a coffee shop, and slowly begin to feel more at home. I am excited to meet God there once again, only this time hopefully less ADD and more focused.

I know I have said this, but I am really looking forward to the things to come. The new friendships I make, the people I get to love, the opportunities I will get, and all the times God is going to have teachable moments!

Alexandria...

I have officially relocated.

I have the worlds best friends ever, they helped me move and settle in, find the church I want to go to, put up pictures and laughed and made my new place feel like home.

I am still in a bit of stimulation overdrive.. it hasn't really hit me yet that this is my home, but the more I think about it and settle in the more I am beginning to like it.

My new roomies and I are slowly getting acquainted, it still feels odd not to be living with my other roomie.. but it felt more like home after she arrived on Saturday late night..

The new job seems to be a good new thing, it will be interesting seeing how this all works and assimilating to a certain degree to the new culture and work environment, but I am looking forward to it and the diversity that is now the place I work :)

I have no idea what God's plan is at this point, but it will definitely be interesting!

Emotionally Exciting...

I am so tired right now.

I am really excited.

I am really stressed.

I am really busy.

I am really hopeful.

I am so thankful my God is here with me.

It has been such an amazingly draining couple of weeks, and the ride is not over yet. I love the adventure seeking that has been built into the very fibers of who I am, I enjoy that taking off into uncharted territory does not scare me, but instead brings me a sense of alive that I do not get from every day life. I love how much I know I am unaware of what is to come, and I am totally overwhelmed with every bit of emotion that I have been going through the last couple weeks. I am so thankful that even in the small things God is taking control and not letting me control what is to come.

My poor roomie has been crazy busy and working til way late, and here I am busy, tired and emotionally feeling less patient, kind, and loving then normal... She has been amazing through every bit of this. How will I do without her?.. I have no idea.

My other best friends are being fantastic.. and I am so not deserving of it.. and I do not even mean that in a humility showing kinda way.. I mean really, I have no way of ever showing them how much their patience and perseverance means to me right now.. Especially with my totally lacking patience... I am so sorry to them for that :/

I spent somewhere around 7 1/2 hours doing homework today.. I did not get everything accomplished I had wanted to, nor did I do as well on the test as I had wanted to.. But, I can successfully check another thing off my list of things to do... (Does my list ever actually get smaller?!)

Today, I have found my emotions being a bit off.. mostly in the internal dialogue of my level of patience... but a couple times it has become pretty clear I am sure to my friends (again I'm so sorry for the crazy that all of this is and my reaction to it all). But, parts of me have just felt.. off. Maybe due to stress.. maybe due to the fact that I am realizing how much I still have to do to leave so many of my loved ones here...

One thing is for certain, I had no idea how many people I have grown attached to in the 2 years I have been here, and I definitely had no idea so many people around me cared so much for me and love having me around... I am so blessed. Whatever God has next has to be pretty freakin spectacular to pull me away from this!.. I am so curious what it is!

I found out today one of my cousin's fiance died today. I do not really know any details, but I do know that he was a few years younger than me, and he and my cousin just had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago. Please remember to pray for her and my extended family... and that they seek after God in this time. I know what my savior can do, I just hope they look to Him to do it.

I had another exhausting yet necessary conversation with one of my best friends about our friendship. Both of us have been through a whole heck of a lot this year, and it has become apparent that our friendship has suffered in the line of fire of life. We are both very hopeful of the ability for our friendship to bounce back.. but man this couldn't come at worse timing. Both of us are tired, emotionally drained from everything else going on, and we are just now beginning to realize some of the issues that need resolving and healing and lots of prayer.. I am really glad God can do anything.. including solve, resolve, heal, and make new and stronger our friendship.

Tomorrow we sign the lease on our new house... (we being my new roomies and I). We are gonna start painting and moving in the rest of this week (Friday for me since it is about 3 1/2 hours away). I am so excited to be there and begin settling in... again... If only I did not have to worry about the rest of this class that ends Wednesday, and the next class (Economics) that begins Thursday... oh boy...

My car is currently "in the shop" which really means parked at my mechanic friend's house.. I am SO thankful for him and his ability to fix my car for almost always half what I am quoted elsewhere...

My little brother and I spent a while chatting and making each other laugh tonight... sharing youtube videos and random stories, I miss him, but definitely needed a bit of time with him, even if it was through facebook.

My army friend arrived in Hawaii where he is stationed until he deploys in April... (I am really glad I am going to get to see him around New years) I am so proud of all the hard work he has put in this year into achieving his goals and dreams (graduating ranger school and airborne school!).. Not to mention how totally humbling it is knowing he is doing all of this to protect all of us... and then to know God created him to do exactly this.. That's really an amazing thought.

I am really tired, excited, stressed, and probably every other emotion there is.. I am trying really very hard to make sure I am responding appropriately to things, and it is times like these where I can tell my emotions are getting the best of me that I am annoyed even more by it all!...

Thank goodness Jesus forgives and loves me still!

False Things...

I was perusing Facebook recently and I was reading posts from friends from highschool, college, and post college and realizing how many of them think "all they need is...." name it. A boy, their boy, food, caffeine, the best friend, a hug, sleep, a girlfriend, their significant other... etc..etc.. And, while sometimes I can definitely see the need for this, I could not help but wonder how many times we... I shift what I need into something that I do not actually need, but would get instant gratification for this moment.

How many times do I need to read my Bible or listen to worship music.. or worse yet, how many times am I supposed to be still and silent... and instead I search and "need" something else to make my life better. Ugh, my heart hurts at this realization not only in my own life, but in the lives of my friends and family members who are broken. The ones who believe their boyfriend holds their value, the ones who believe makeup makes them worthy, the ones who judge their preciousness based on the number of text messages they get in a day... What they NEED is to fall in love... with their Creator. What I need is to fall deeper in love with my lord.

False things create more insecurity and fears... but, if God is with me then whom will I fear? Why would I live as if fear is my motivator instead of as though life is my playground and Jesus has won already? False things of any kind create more problems and more hurt, pain, stress etc..

Here I Go Again...

So, just over two years ago I started this blog as way to share my thoughts, feelings, and all the various ways God is shaping me and my worldview. It seemed like such a huge thing because I was packing everything I owned (and could fit) into my car and moving 4 states away to a place I was totally unfamiliar with and knew no one.

This move is not anywhere near as "scary," but I find myself just as torn and excited about moving. I love adventure, I love new things.. especially if they take the form of challenges, and I am really exited about doing things I have never done before! I get to live in a big city that has lots of cool things to do. Riding the metro will allow me to use my commute time for Bible reading or other things I feel compelled to do in the mornings instead of driving! Also, I will probably live alone for at least a while, which I am very ok with at this point because it will allow me to feel stress free about people coming to visit.. and it will give me time and space to create myself a home-safe zone. I am excited about the new challenges and things the new job will present. There are lots of things that will be different, but enough the same that I will feel somewhat comfortable in that.

So, here I go again. Off to new things.. new place, new adventures, trials, laughter, friends, sights, sounds, smells... I am ready for God to show me what's next, and what I need to learn and pay attention to for this next step in my journey. Right now I have no feeling of time like I did last big transition.. So, we shall see what He does :) I am excited.

Not Enough...

It is days like today, and weeks like the ones coming up, that I realize I am just not enough. I cannot do things on my own strength and will, and I certainly never have enough patience to handle things... especially when I start from a stressed point of view.

I have no idea how I am going to gracefully (or patiently) get through the next 3 weeks. The to-do list is ever growing, and the things I accomplish just do not seem to make any difference to my list.

Oh Lord, Please help me.

Answers...

I am so very ecstatic to express all the things that God has done this week...

First, this week started out horrible.. and showed signs of staying that way all week long.

Thursday, I decided I had about as much as I could handle and decided I needed a break, I needed to peace out and give my mind and body a chance to break from the norm. I took off and went dancing for the evening. I went to an event that took place in an art museum.. I laughed, danced, and almost slipped on the marble floors over and over, and ended the night being exhausted but content. I made a new friend, and had a great time just doing something different and unusual in my average week.

Friday, I burrowed away and worked on a massive project for work all day, only getting interrupted by some of my already graduated students wanting to update me on the new things in their life. Both conversations were great, and lots of fun. Then, I continued with my need for a break from the normal and went to a dinner event with my new friend. We had fun talking with people about a wide variety of topics over a fantastic view and dinner. Then, to top it all off, I went to Cha cha and Salsa workshops.. and proceeded to dance for several hours... Safe to say, my feet are killing me, my legs, core, and neck are sore... But, I am content and happy once again.

All week long, I felt like Satan was just high gear attacking me. I could tell because that things I normally do not care about, and things that do not normally aggravate me were driving me insane.

Friday, after work I got a phone call that I got the job I interviewed for in DC, the pay increase I would need to afford rent, and fantastic benefits are included in this job. I am ridiculously excited about this job for lots of reasons... including the fact that I love the city, and I will get the chance to live in the city and ride the metro (meaning no more 35k miles a year on my car!). I also am excited about the changes that will occur and the challenges I am about to face... While this job is essentially exactly what I am doing right now, there are aspects that I have yet to do, such as a job on a national level, and more traveling for my job. I am really excited about those aspects of my job.

God answers prayers in His absolutely perfect timing in a manner that I never would have chosen or plotted for myself, but am really excited about.

Does He See...

I have been thinking a lot about where things are in my life, where I have come from, what I have come through, and all of the same thoughts for my friend's lives as well.

There are certain markers in my life that make it easy to pause and take a look back. For example, today is a really good friend's birthday... One year ago today we met, and instantly we became friends. Neither of us expected much out of the friendship, and neither of us expected to become as good of friends as we are especially since most of our relationship revolves around fun banter, random conversations, and doing a whole lot of nothing together... But, sprinkled in there are lots of absolutely fantastic conversations, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer. So, today is an easy day to look back and be amazed at what God has done... The path we have all taken, and the ways things have changed that I just would never have guessed a year ago. So, before I continue with that thought, I just wanna say.. Happy 23rd birthday my dear friend. You are more amazing than you realize, and God has some pretty spectacular things in-store in your life; if the last year is any indication! I love you bunches, and I pray for you pretty much every day... You're even on my 3x5 bathroom card (whoa big deal!;).

However, looking at the last year I can very easily remember a lot of pain... Not because of my friend haha... but just in general. A lot of stress, a lot of strained relationships, a lot of unsolvable problems, a lot of doctors visits, more broken relationships, and a whole heck of a lot of mishaps that should have been avoided... a lot of pain, that is what I remember from the last year.

Ironically, just before summer 2009 came to a close I had a conversation with a woman asking how I "really was" and I told her this: "I am honestly doing really well... Life is great! But, I just have this feeling that something bad is coming.. that maybe life has been soo great for so long that it is about time for some crap in my life..." haha I had no idea what I was saying, nor what that crap would include.. but MAN was I right.

If you have been following my blog for any length of time or if you have scanned back through the last few months, it is no secret that only recently have I found contentment once again. July of this year ushered in a very welcome period of peace knowing that God is in fact in charge, and I can trust Him. He not only created all things, He created me, and has every intention of taking care of me... Whew!... Then I lost my job. haha! Things came in the perfect order, and I was totally at peace with the information that in a few months I would be laid off. I was so much at peace with it in fact that when I found out my response was ".. Ok... God'll take care of me... Now about this..." and I was just ready to move on, it was no massive blow to my life, and I was not worried...

This entire year every month brought new crap into my life, new tasks that had to be managed and new feelings that had to be controlled. I was faced with one awful thing after another, and no redeeming anything to balance out the emotional roller-coaster I was feeling.. It was just all bad. Never once did I doubt God's presence in my life, and never once did I curse God.. I saw Him moving AND answering my prayers in other people's lives... the number of prayers that got crossed off my 3x5 cards was just inspiring!.... I knew my God, I knew He loved and created not but me but everything around me...

But, come June I had just reached the end of what I could handle. I was about to fall and I knew it, and finally I had reached a place where in my prayers I would pray for all the needs of those around me.. and then I would sorta just sit broken and ask... "God, do you see me?... Do you see what I am going through?.. Do you realize how close to the edge I am?.. Do you see and feel this hurt inside of me?.. Do you know that I am too weak to continue?.. I have no fight left..... I. Need. You... Do you see?" Those were my prayers in June. In July God responded with "Daughter, I see you. I am here, and I am going before you, and coming behind you. Trust me, rely on me, and let ME hold you. I. See. You." He restored my heart, He healed my brokenness, and He calmed my mind. He saw me and made that clear.

I do not know how He does it, but He guarded my heart when I had no idea how. He protects me from myself even now, and He has made it clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow. So, I don't. My current circumstances make no sense, and definitely point to hurt, frustration, and anxiety... and yet I feel nothing but peace and contentment. I am safe, I am loved, and I will be ok. That is all I need to know because my God sees me. He knows exactly what I am going through because He has not removed Himself from my situation to watch from afar.

Does He see me? Does He know what I am going through?.... Yes.

Pursue Me...

I love how much I learn from friends. My friends have no idea how much I need them every day, they have no concept of how much of an impact they make on my life, and they certainly have no idea how much I think about even the smallest things they do or say... I mull over their actions because I want to learn, I want to be more like them, sometimes just in the smallest ways, and they slowly change me from the inside out without any clue.

Recently I have taken on an attitude.. or air of patience and contentment.. which I LOVE, but it certainly has changed a whole slew of my responses to situations. I could go on and on about all of these reactions, but the one I have been thinking the most about is the thought and idea of being pursued. And while I have no guy in mind, I still feel like writing this as though it is to a certain person... Let me just say this to start the thought:

If you want me, come get me.

I have no desire nor intention of running and hiding, but I also have been hurt enough to know I need you to prove that I am wanted, desired, and that you will not throw me away because of something better or more appealing... or worse, you will not push me away until I break and cannot handle it anymore, forcing me to make the choice to end it and walk away.

It has become very apparent that until you come for me I am going to be so very thankfully content to live my life to the fullest that God has intended for me. I have adventures planned, and am living through things I never expected but am pretty happy with. I have no intentions of creating opportunities for you or pursuing you. If you do not initiate and make the first move, I will go about my life without you. I like to think of it as a dance. You have to work up the courage ask me to dance, and once we are out on the dance floor, I will respond to the signals you send. To everyone else, it will look flawless and beautiful.. but to us it will be hard work, and you will always have to be one step ahead of me... But, in the end it will be a blast, and we will be excited to continue our journey and adventure together with God being the music that we are both dancing to...

These thoughts come in part because of a conversation with a couple friends late last week. One of my friends spent a couple hours explaining a story from a recent trip, the story was very entertaining, of course leaving room for us girls to be... well girls. We giggled and laughed at the ridiculousness that were certain points in the story, and ended with encouraging her to stick to her God given role in the relationship. Lets not fool ourselves, at no point is it easy to leave the guy to God and let God deal with him and his heart.. but it is always the better choice.

So, here I am... Living a wonderfully exciting life full of things only God could have planned... and one of these days you will know I am the one you want and you will pursue me. I am excited and can't wait... but really I can because until then life will keep both of us busy enough and we will learn some irreplaceable things that we will need later. All I ask is that when God tells you to, you come for me. Thanks ;)

How Great is Our God...

I tend to read every night before I hope for sleep... Last night I read Hebrews 6 due to a surprise conversation with a fairly new friend. I got the chance to hear a small portion of my new friend's story, and he mentioned Hebrews 6, so I thought I would take that night's readings and refresh my memory on what it says. The first half talks about the "Peril of Falling Away" as it is titled in the beginning of the chapter, while the second half focuses on "Better Things for You." The part that stuck out to me the most while reading it last night was a couple verses near the end.

"For men swear by one greater than themselves, and with them an oath given as confirmation is an end of every dispute. In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us." - Hebrews 6:16-18

We (whether believing in God or not) will swear using His name, promise with something seen as "higher" and more credible than ourselves.... Yet God, owning everything, and being subject to no one.... just merely promises, and because of that then folds a double layer of promise into what He says will happen... How crazy to think about.

Then this morning I spent a long time listening to Louie Giglio's various sermons.. He has such a unique way of putting truths.. and his passion just oozes out of him, it's really a neat thing to listen to. The sermons I listened to had to do with how great our God is, and how indescribable He is.... I could not agree more, and this certainly comes at a perfect time when I find myself relying on God more and more as each day goes on... I am so excited about what is next, but I have literally no way of preparing for it, so my only option is to wait on the Lord...

It will be awesome.

Find Me Faith...

Is my faith certain?

This question has nothing to really do with doubting my faith so much as processing through the things I "know" to make sure I truly honestly believe with absolute certainty... deep down inside where doubt begins seeping through...

I was thinking last night as I was laying in bed really tired but unable to sleep (again), that I have absolutely no clue what is coming next. I am certain of a few things...
1. God told me this would go down like this.
Dos. I am out of a job in 3 1/2 months.
III. God hasn't told me what to expect, but He has told me not to worry.
D. I am not worried or stressed, but I am being diligent in making sure I am not getting lax or lazy during this time.

I am really enjoying this point in time where I am just totally content. I feel quieted inside, and at peace... Which, has proven to be beyond amusing for me when others find out about my pending loss of a job. I am being consistent at work, staying diligent with my homework, and making sure to continually look for a new job. I find myself praying about my job a lot, but most of my prayers are still sticking with my friends away at war, the people I know struggling with illnesses or having a difficult something or other in their life... And, I am ok with the fact that most of my prayers stay there instead of focusing on something as trivial as a job and bills... I am really working at constantly remind myself that God has worked everything out absolutely perfectly up to now, why would I suddenly worry?

In other news, I am loving the totally content feeling I have in all areas of my life.. including the area of guys. Because of previous relationships I finally am at a place where I have no desire to "make it work." I desire to be pursued, fought for, loved, and did I mention pursued? I took a couple months and really looked at the way I view guys in regards to me, and I am pretty happy with where I have settled. My basic thoughts lie around, guys (and people in general) are hurt and broken just like me... but, that does not mean bitterness and hurt need to rule my perspective of them. I have come to a point where I do not care to push and work at a relationship until I know the guy is pushing and working just as hard, that he is willing to fight for our relationship and me, and until then I maintain my neutral state. I am not bitter, hurting, nor fighting to keep guys away.. I am simply just trusting God to protect my heart, and going about living my life.

I have no doubts that Jesus will bring the man I need into my life at the right time... until then I have things to do, work to get done, places to go, people to see.... and lots of homework to do!

Thank you Jesus that your unwavering, undoubting, completely certain Faith has found me, and brought with it peace.

The Smiles in My Day...

Sometimes, when I pause and think about all the random little things going on in my life I cannot help but smile and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all... and, often times I feel like I should be living in a comedy version of the Truman Show! ;)

Things that make me smile today:

Emailing throughout the day with my best friend. - Our conversation are a comedy routine themselves!
Completing a matting/framing project and looking at it, proud that I still have that skill!
Watching a video posted by one of my friends and his wife of someone else's adoption "gotcha" day.
Reading old facebook picture comments from my little brother.
Coffee... Always, always makes me smile :) Especially if the flavor makes your taste-buds dance!
Friends of mine leave tonight for a missions trip to Panama... I'm REALLY excited for them! :)
Random people trying to "help" me... Seriously, it makes me laugh.
Running commentary...
Realizing how ironic God can be with His timing...

I am so very thankful today has turned out like it has... For whatever reason I woke up feeling ok, but as though that state was fragile, and a bad encounter would send me off the crappy crap crap day cliff... Thankfully I had some time to wake up, listen to some great music, and get a cup of coffee before I had to deal with any obnoxiousness in my day.

Still job hunting, nothing really new to report other than, I continue to apply for jobs wherever I find one that interests me.

I was talking with my dad the other day, and it was really nice to just sorta go through my thought process with him. One of the points I brought up was my curiousness at why God felt it was important to tell me two years ago this is how everything was going to go down... My dad said that part of it he thinks is how I am always saying that if God would just give me a basic direction I would feel ok, safe, and secure... The ironic thing is... I do. I am not worried, I know without any doubts this is exactly how things are supposed to play out, and I am doing my best to hang onto the ride, and gracefully handle whatever comes my way. I'm really excited about what God's preparing to do next, even though I am totally blind. :)

Facts Update #1..

Here is the statistical data for my new adventure...

Last week:

Applied for 30 jobs.

1 local (meaning I will not have to move)

29 not local (meaning I will have to pack up and move my crap again)

2 rejections. = 28 pending responses... until I begin applying again...

www.indeed.com is quickly becoming my new best friend for job hunting.

Thoughts currently:

I'm not worried, God will figure this out since it is His plan anyway.

I found some really neat jobs, and even thought I might not be completely qualified currently to do them, I will be soon... So, hopefully something fun will come my way.

I have a few thoughts/feelings about the coming year.. I shared them with a couple friends, and we shall see what comes from them.

I am totally content to not worry about what is coming next..

I am really curious to see what God does with a couple other situations in my life... but mostly regarding my job hunt.

My school work is going to be about as much work as I was expecting.. but not really prepared for...

Life is not easy... but man is it worth the work on the other side.

I got a new bed for free!... No more air mattress!... At least until I possibly move haha

When God Speaks...

2 years ago I got an email from a man from a place I had never heard of in a little town several states away. The email stated that he had found my resume online, and was very impressed and felt I would be perfect for a job he had, and he would like me to officially submit my resume. After reading the name of the organization, I promptly told him thanks but no thanks, I was a little unsure of the organization and was not really interested. He proceeded to send me more information and asked me to reconsider. I did, and decided I would give it a whirl, so I officially submitted my resume. A couple days later, I had a phone interview that went well, and he told me he wanted to fly me down for a face to face interview, I agreed. My job at the time ended 3 days later, and I packed my car to drive home from a summer working as a boat driver at a summer camp. I was home for the weekend, flew out and back in two days to find a job offer before I even reached home. I packed everything I owned into my car and made a 12 hour car ride down to Virginia with my best friend. 

I arrived in a city where I knew no one, had no GPS, a cell phone that didn't work outside the city.. no place to live, a shotty car, and an hour commute to work.

Slowly, God began filling in the massive blanks in my life. I found a mega church, a sunday school class, a small group, and a girl who would quickly become one of my best and most loyal friends. I got a new cell phone, a new car, found a roomie, and slowly began adjusting to the southern style of living. The entire time saying, I would only be at my job two years. Everyone acknowledged my timeframe with a smile and a nod and a "we will see.." But, I somehow knew God had told me two years.

3 months later in December we faced several job cuts, and somehow my job was not cut... but, I was informed I would be given 2 years to prove myself and see what I could do... I filed the timeframe away in the back of my mind.

During this same time period I had an extremely vivid dream, and really the main thing that stood out to me was "July of '10" ... So, once again I filed it away, and told a few people that something was going to happen in July of '10, I did not know what, but something, they smiled, nodded and said "we will see..."

Little by little, I built my life in this new city, and I loved it. I found amazing friends, trips to Africa, the beach, the mountains, DC, traveled all over the place, and saw God and felt God in totally new ways. I moved 4 times, met lots of people that I was blown away by for so many reasons, learned to dance, hiked mountains, and dealt with more visceral pain then I ever had before.

In January of '10 my world began to change one consistent step at a time, things at work changed dramatically, things at home began to become stressed, friends moved away, I began having lots of health problems, I met a boy and began to like really him only to later have God tell me to be obedient and walk away, I moved, traveled more then I probably should have, watched lots of friends get engaged, married, find out they were having a baby, and have babies. I had car problems, more medical problems, family problems at home, and the simple distance made it impossible to help, more job stresses... and then, almost suddenly it was July of '10.

Nothing.

4th of July, I went to Atlanta to visit my best friend from home who I had not seen in more than 8 months. I was totally broken, in the physical, mental, and emotional sense of the word broken. I was in pain.. I was trying mostly just to function. I was just hurting and trying to understand what was going on, and I had no way of communicating to anyone how I was feeling, cause I did not know. She and her new fiance spent the weekend making me laugh, loving on me, and reminding me of who I am, and why I am precious. I went home with a renewed sense of peace in my life which began to grow and consume me from the inside. I spent lots of time just being still. Listening to water lap on a dock, crickets, the nothingness that passes you when you drive with the windows down, and lots of music. I read a lot, traveled more, and dealt with the physical, mental, and emotional pain that I had yet to escape. I went home for a quick weekend and was hugged more in one weekend then I had been all summer.

The end of July of '10 came, and I saw it off by keeping track of 5 high school boys at the beach. They were mine along with 25 other kids of mine, and man do I really truly love my kids; they are precious and wonderfully made... However, after a week at the beach with my kids, I was very tired, but I cherished every moment of it. I had many great conversations, and spent the week so completely focused on them and their needs that I had no option but to forget my own pain, forget the hurt I had been given, and allow everything to just detox. I came home renewed, yet exhausted. At this point, I was working on 3 weeks straight without a day off, but also knowing that August of '10 would begin with me being truly happy for the first time all year.

Slowly, little by little I began to realize that I am ok. I knew all along God had a plan, but man was it painful. I realized that in July of '10 I found God faithful. God answered my prayers and He never left me, I never grew bitter, and in the end I realized I was ok, God was still God, and I was still His hurting daughter who desperately needed Him to save me, and He did. I became secure again, life continued.

Near the end of August I had several nights of terrible nights sleep. One particular evening, I spent the entire night having a dream about a meeting that would take place the next day, only the topic in my dream had nothing to do with the topic of the actual meeting... but, just the same I spent the whole dream angry and pissed off and yelling. So much so, that I woke up tense and sore all over, completely exhausted from the nights sleep. I went to work determined to have a good attitude and a good approach towards the meeting. During the meeting we discussed normal business, and then, as if I was in my own movie where the viewer could spot the oncoming plot, I was informed that I was going to be "let go" by the end of the year. The remainder of the conversation was pretty typical... and I explained that I was fine, God would take care of me and I was not worried. This is, and has always been His deal... He'll figure it out, and let me know the plan.

August of '10 I celebrated 2 years from when everything started.... This week I found out my time here at my job is coming to and end. Next week is 2 years. 

God does speak.

Unseen...

I had a totally random thought today, and thought I would share it... I have a never ending battle with my emotions and logic... Some days one rules over the other.. and more recently I have found a neat little balance between the two that I am satisfied in learning and leaning more on this meshed reasoning...

I have come to the realization that, my emotions are what adds flair and passion to everything I do. The laughter the escapes my mouth all the time, the compassion, and the heart I feel the for hurting, and it is the thing that fuels my desire to understand people and God. My logic however motivates me to move, to act, to accomplish.. Together, there is this kinda fun balancing act that I am learning how to embrace instead of trying to accept one and ignore the other until it explodes out everywhere.

Today I realized, I am totally unsure of what to expect next in my life.. Not that I have ever had this neat little map, but there have definitely been times where I have felt like I knew what to expect next. Currently, I have no idea, and I am totally fine with that... Which is a weird feeling for me. I have this overwhelming peace that everything will be ok, God has this fantastic plan... and I do not need to know what is next, I just need to push on and seek Him...

This I know...  God has my total and unhindered faith in His love and plan for my life. Slowly, I will get to see it unfold, and I am pretty excited to see each step as they take place. Everything will be ok, no matter how I feel now or tomorrow.

Never Forget...

I have had such a great weekend so far... It has included dancing, lots and lots of laughter, turning around a dozen times in DC while making only a 20 minute drive, good food, wonderful friends, and again more laughter. I simply cannot thank God enough for the things He has given me that I know I do not deserve. However, in the midst of all the genuine goodness, several very good and pointed conversations reminded me how much pain I am surrounded by every day...

To start, my roomie is hurting because of a situation she cannot change, she is grieving and hurting for those around her. I love her heart, and wish I could make it better... take away the pain.. offer some sort of comforting words of wisdom, but instead I cannot change the situation anymore then she can... These are the moments we learn the most, and these are the times when we realize how much we need our personal relationship with our Savior every single day. These moments sear into our hearts how fragile people are, and how important it is to live out exactly what we are told to by God... Love Him, Love others.

Sometimes life is just hard... for no reason at all. I hate Satan.

I got to talk to a really good friend from the couple of years I worked at camp this weekend, we tend to talk every so often, usually just catching each other up and literally hearing what God is doing or the things we are facing in our lives. There are so many times that once I get off the phone I am just blown away by how much God speaks to me through this friend. The no crap truth that they speak, the fact that they hear what I say, and then ask what I am truly thinking or feeling... and then they turn right around and are just as open and honest, and allow me to be the same type of friend for them... I truly treasure this friend, more then I think they have any idea of.

Tonight, I was talking with two of my best friends here, and I was so quickly reminded how much my heart breaks for certain people... No, actually my heart pretty much breaks for everyone at one point or another, sometimes it comes and goes, and other times it feels suffocating. Tonight, I was reminded how lost some people are... My heart literally hurts. Ever since going to Ghana in November of '08, there are just certain types of pain and hurt that when I am made aware of it in someone else's life, my heart physically hurts... Tonight is one of those nights. I can do absolutely nothing to fix the problem, and as much as I want to, I cannot force someone to see the error of their ways or how they are perpetuating the problem. The basic problem is, they just simply cannot understand certain facts about our God that I so ignorantly take for granted every single day. Sometimes, I just wish I could shake the people and yell at them "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW EASY THIS COULD BE?!"... And then, my Lord quietly reminds me that, it is not my job, nor my place to fix them... it is His, and He is in fact perfectly capable of taking care of things... and yes, His heart breaks for them too.

Tonight I caught myself thinking "I hate how much I care..." and then I instantly was reminded (in my own mind of course) "... You prayed for this..." and my only rebuttal was stupid and like a little child "yeah, but I just didn't think it would hurt this much..."

I am double minded sometimes, and I know that fact about myself. I want to spend every day loving those around me, making them feel important and cared for... That task manifests itself differently depending on who it is I am engaging with, but the purpose and heart behind my goal is the same. Then I will turn right around and get so frustrated because I do not want to hurt or feel the pain I feel when I watch those around me hurt... or even when I hear a story of someone else's pain. I am reminded almost daily of the fact that I am SO thankful I am not God and do not know it all.. or have the responsibility to fix it all... even when I want to.

Tonight I realized, I am never going to be able to forget this pain and ache I feel when I watch those around me deal with pain... regardless of the cause, it is real to them, and I cannot fix it. My heart hurts so much it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes... and that drives me to do the only thing I know for sure... Prayer.

New...

For the first time in more than 8 months I finally feel normal. Not because of a drug, alcohol, a boy, or anything tangible... I just feel like myself again. Laughing comes easily once more, and energy is not something I merely remember having a lot of.

My schedule is about to explode again (which I love), all my best friends are back to work (they are all teachers), and several of them are either taking college classes or teaching college classes, and then there is my wonderful roomie who works at night... My classes start on the 2nd, and then of course there's all the normal trying to fit time in for people, which I feel like will be doing a lot of inviting people over to hang out or to join me somewhere with wifi...

My roomie has finally returned to me for good, no more galavanting around the country... After this last stint I told her she is never allowed to leave me for that long again (almost a month!). I love having her home... even if we just sit on opposite ends of the awesome couch she bought with our dog between us and watch a movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon... I love it... We laugh a lot, and have more inside jokes then I can count.. we recite one liners from movies constantly, and we purposefully seek to do things for one another all the time. She has no idea how much living with her makes me feel like I belong, like I have a place that is my home, and that my mood at home does not effect how much she loves me and will try to take care of me.. She's wonderful, and I am not really looking forward to her disappearance in the evenings due to work... so we have decided on a plan of dinners at her work, and probably more than my fair share of sitting at her games (probably doing homework) just so I can be around and see her more than Sunday mornings haha

Even though the start of a new school year means THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of college students who do not know how to drive once again are taking up space on the roads and parking lots.. I really do look forward to the new school year each fall, because for whatever reason I seem to work off a fiscal year better than a calendar year haha! I am looking forward to the bonfires, dinners, sweatshirts, and the mass amounts of laughter from the ridiculousness that is my wonderful friends and their antics and one liners :)

I love that from this point in my life I can look both backwards and forwards and see God moving, I can see His hand in every aspect of my life, holding me when I was too broken to keep going, cheering when I made the right choice, I can feel His arms around me as I was hurt and cried more times then I can ever remember crying before, and I can feel His encouragement when I was so frustrated at Him that I had to choose things I knew were right instead of what I wanted. I can see how patient my Lord was when I was angry and let Him know exactly how I was feeling. But, more than any of it... I can see His faithfulness.. Even through all the suck that was this year, I can see how much stronger I am, how much more I have written Him into the fibers of my heart, and I can see all the people He placed around me to care for me... the moments when I did not even know I needed something suddenly I had exactly what I needed to keep going. Even when I was being a brat and really did not deserve it my sweet Savior was there taking care of me unconditionally. I have been through a lot this year, but never once have I felt like God left me hanging to dry, I felt Him with me every step, even when I was so angry at Him and this plan that seemed to contain nothing but one crappy thing after another... He was still there.. ever faithful.

I would do every bit of it again knowing the painful outcome, and the work it would take to come out hopefully being found faithful on the other side.... Only to know that the hard times will come again at some point.

Tonight was the first night in a really long time that I just felt normal.. like laughing just came naturally, that I was surrounded by people who love me, and that I will be ok, and in fact things will be awesome because I am not controlling my future!

Change...

So, I have decided to "take the plunge." ... I am going back to school. And, since I cannot seem to do anything half way I am going back for a double masters. I have always said I have no reason to go back to school, and getting a masters just for the sake of having one was totally pointless to me, no, I would only return if I knew exactly what I was going for, and if God told me so.

Well, I do not know that God necessarily told me "Go back to school" but, the idea popped into my head out of nowhere, and seemed to make sense as the perfect timing.. all of my closest friends are either teaching classes in the evening, going back to school, or working in the evenings... so what would I do?... Get new friends or go back to school... :) Mostly my feeling is it is perfect timing, and I am in this "what now?" state, so why not at least be a little productive.. especially if that means later I will get paid more or have a better opportunity to do what I love! :)

I am not super excited to go back to school, but I am finding as time progresses and I get through each next step to actually getting signed up and starting classes, I realize I am beginning to have the "lets rock and roll" attitude. Which will be good once I start.

To top everything else off I have dark hair again :) The color did not at all turn out like the color on the box.. The color was "Medium golden brown" the color on my hair became "Dark auburn" haha oh well, I still like it, and it is just hair anyway...

I am really looking forward to fall.

Gentleness...

A while ago, I decided I would slowly work through the fruits of the spirit... Not in a barrage attack to figure it out and move on, but in the quiets of my heart, slowly, deliberately, and to work through them as they come up and God points things out. Really, I think this will be a never ending pursuit, and that is totally ok with me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about the simple concept of being kind, of gentleness to those around you. In the book I Isaac, take thee Rebekah, Ravi points out that regardless, there is no reason to not be kind to your spouse (or anyone really), that simple comment got me thinking about how often I am really not kind.. and oh man let me tell you, I have every excuse.. I have a list of reasons that I can spin to make people feel as though I may just possibly be in the right with my response. When in reality I have no legitimate reason not to be kind, I have no reason not to always respond with gentleness.

I fail at this kindness and gentleness thing every single day, it is really kinda pathetic and sad. I get so frustrated with myself that I even try to justify in my own mind how I was totally in the right for the way I responded, the tone I took, the words I used, or at the very basic... my motives behind the reaction and response to those around me.

I really want to work on this.. as in, really really... I dislike feeling like I have responded poorly to something. I want to build others up, not be the reason they are frustrated or hurt at the end of the day. I truly want to be known for my gentleness.. not necessarily the perceived type of gentleness that never says things that need to be said.. but completely the type that everything is said out of a spirit of love and caring... Which can include being straightforward... :)

I want to make my legacy one of caring, laughter, and a never ending outpouring of Jesus in my life. I think that would be absolutely fantastic... Lord, help me to learn true gentleness.

Healing and Sunshine...

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, my whole body felt achey and my stomach felt like any sudden movement would cause me to lose it. I sat on my bed and tried to will the illness away, and tried reasoning with myself that 8 1/2 hours of sleep should have cured whatever I had... I got up and tried to begin getting ready for work, only to stop every couple steps willing my stomach to stay put. So, I emailed my boss and explained I was not feeling well and would be in tomorrow.. and promptly went back to sleep for another 6 or so hours.... which brings my total to roughly 14 1/2 hours of sleep last night! Whoa...

So, other than that I am doing really great.. I spent the last week with 30 or so teens and 15 or so adults at the beach. I love the beach or rather anything with water. I spent a week totally focusing outward, I did a lot of observing, and mental checks. I love my kids, all of them.. Some stay on the obnoxious side, others fluctuate, and some stay on the reasonable and enjoyable side... I had lots of fantastic conversation with them about relationships, tattoos, boys, girls, God, the Bible, their families and histories. I took a sheet for the beach instead of a towel, and was never without a child sitting next to me talking, I loved it. My respect for several of my coworkers grew exponentially because of their reactions, and all the little ways they held their composure when really we all wanted to just scream.. I loved every bit of it, even if I did return insanely tired.

I was thinking the other day, how absolutely amazing my Lord is. He took an insanely hectic week full of drama and sunshine to finally let the pain and hurt I have been through the last 7 months bleed out. I do not know how he did it, but somehow the residual effects of my old living situation, my work stresses, boy trouble, friends leaving, home issues, car problems, friend frustrations, health issues, and a slew of other pains all became ok again. Somewhere in there I became ok with what I have gone through, and I know it will at some point in the future be made perfectly clear why it all happened the way it did. It is not like everything is suddenly all better, like a snap of a finger or flash of light.. but rather a total peace with the fact that my life has been especially hard as of late, and I have had to deal with, learn, and persevere through a lot of heartache and pain. I have said all along I would do it all over again because I have learned SO much about who my Lord is, who I am, and how to talk to God when all I really want to do is freak out and run away.

All I keep coming back to is I am ok. Life is slowing down and picking up at the same time. I do not have as many things crammed in as possible anymore... but, at the same time I am keeping the perfect balance of busy. I love summer, but I am content to see it coming to a close, and see fall come. Not that I have any specific plans for the fall, but I am ok for this "season" to come to a close.

I have decided or maybe been forced to realize a few things about myself...
1. I am worthy to be pursued, and until the time that a guy decides that he will pursue and fight for me regardless, I will remain an untouchable. I am too stubborn and loyal to have to deal with crap for crap sake when the guy cannot decide what he wants.
2. Choosing obedience over loyalty is one of the hardest things ever to do.
3. I would willingly go through anything again to learn how to talk to the Creator.
4. I can do more when I stop trying to do it all.
5. Laughter is healing, and when you do not have any it slowly kills you on the inside.
6. I, whether good or bad always seem to choose strength instead of relying on others.
7. Sometimes I pull away because I want to see who insists on being there... And, I am SO thankful for the few that insist on being there.
8. I am endlessly complicated and intricate thanks mostly to my Savior.
9. I am stronger than I realize mostly due to the never ending love and support of God and all the people He has placed in my life.
10. I have learned/am learning that the only thing I need to know is that God has a plan, and I need to choose to be content in that alone.