I have been thinking a lot about where things are in my life, where I have come from, what I have come through, and all of the same thoughts for my friend's lives as well.
There are certain markers in my life that make it easy to pause and take a look back. For example, today is a really good friend's birthday... One year ago today we met, and instantly we became friends. Neither of us expected much out of the friendship, and neither of us expected to become as good of friends as we are especially since most of our relationship revolves around fun banter, random conversations, and doing a whole lot of nothing together... But, sprinkled in there are lots of absolutely fantastic conversations, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer. So, today is an easy day to look back and be amazed at what God has done... The path we have all taken, and the ways things have changed that I just would never have guessed a year ago. So, before I continue with that thought, I just wanna say.. Happy 23rd birthday my dear friend. You are more amazing than you realize, and God has some pretty spectacular things in-store in your life; if the last year is any indication! I love you bunches, and I pray for you pretty much every day... You're even on my 3x5 bathroom card (whoa big deal!;).
However, looking at the last year I can very easily remember a lot of pain... Not because of my friend haha... but just in general. A lot of stress, a lot of strained relationships, a lot of unsolvable problems, a lot of doctors visits, more broken relationships, and a whole heck of a lot of mishaps that should have been avoided... a lot of pain, that is what I remember from the last year.
Ironically, just before summer 2009 came to a close I had a conversation with a woman asking how I "really was" and I told her this: "I am honestly doing really well... Life is great! But, I just have this feeling that something bad is coming.. that maybe life has been soo great for so long that it is about time for some crap in my life..." haha I had no idea what I was saying, nor what that crap would include.. but MAN was I right.
If you have been following my blog for any length of time or if you have scanned back through the last few months, it is no secret that only recently have I found contentment once again. July of this year ushered in a very welcome period of peace knowing that God is in fact in charge, and I can trust Him. He not only created all things, He created me, and has every intention of taking care of me... Whew!... Then I lost my job. haha! Things came in the perfect order, and I was totally at peace with the information that in a few months I would be laid off. I was so much at peace with it in fact that when I found out my response was ".. Ok... God'll take care of me... Now about this..." and I was just ready to move on, it was no massive blow to my life, and I was not worried...
This entire year every month brought new crap into my life, new tasks that had to be managed and new feelings that had to be controlled. I was faced with one awful thing after another, and no redeeming anything to balance out the emotional roller-coaster I was feeling.. It was just all bad. Never once did I doubt God's presence in my life, and never once did I curse God.. I saw Him moving AND answering my prayers in other people's lives... the number of prayers that got crossed off my 3x5 cards was just inspiring!.... I knew my God, I knew He loved and created not but me but everything around me...
But, come June I had just reached the end of what I could handle. I was about to fall and I knew it, and finally I had reached a place where in my prayers I would pray for all the needs of those around me.. and then I would sorta just sit broken and ask... "God, do you see me?... Do you see what I am going through?.. Do you realize how close to the edge I am?.. Do you see and feel this hurt inside of me?.. Do you know that I am too weak to continue?.. I have no fight left..... I. Need. You... Do you see?" Those were my prayers in June. In July God responded with "Daughter, I see you. I am here, and I am going before you, and coming behind you. Trust me, rely on me, and let ME hold you. I. See. You." He restored my heart, He healed my brokenness, and He calmed my mind. He saw me and made that clear.
I do not know how He does it, but He guarded my heart when I had no idea how. He protects me from myself even now, and He has made it clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow. So, I don't. My current circumstances make no sense, and definitely point to hurt, frustration, and anxiety... and yet I feel nothing but peace and contentment. I am safe, I am loved, and I will be ok. That is all I need to know because my God sees me. He knows exactly what I am going through because He has not removed Himself from my situation to watch from afar.
Does He see me? Does He know what I am going through?.... Yes.