Random Splattering...

So, this is yet another gushing post haha

This past week or so has just been mass chaos. Beyond the insanity that has been work, I have painted 2 houses and moved.. Plus, I went to OH this past weekend for a wedding. Needless to say figuring out how to fit it all in and sleep has proven to be quite the challenge. But, come Friday when I was about to head out to Ohio, I was no where near done moving, and had gotten way less done then I had hoped I would get accomplished. My roomie was planning on moving over the weekend, and we had enlisted some friends to help move the washer and dryer, and a couple other friends had informed me not to worry about my stuff that they would move it... But, I still felt bad for not being there, and for the fact that they had to move my stuff.

Friday just before I left, the boy came over and hung out for a bit while I finished packing my stuff and the car, then so graciously helped the roomie move stuff (in INSANE humidity) from the old house to the new house... He got my 9 cube shelf up into my new loft.. which I was pretty sure was an impossible task, and that I would have to later at some point take it apart, cart it upstairs and re-assemble it. I was not looking forward to the task; but, he somehow (I still haven't figured out how) got it up into my room... I was SOOO excited when I found out :) haha you have no idea.

Saturday while I was busy playing catch up with old friends and getting things set up for the wedding, the boy spent his day fixing things for me, finishing the painting, put the light cover switch plates back on, organized the mass quantities of boxes that were all over my room, made my bed, and a whole assortment of other little things... And I had no idea.. none.

Sunday after the 8 hour drive home I was totally exhausted, and knew I had about an hour to nap before I had told friends I would show up to have dinner with them and other friends from out of town. After that, I was headed to see another friend who was in from out of town... When I got home, I made my way to my room and discovered everything that he had done. I sat on my bed grinning from ear to ear and giggling as I read the note explaining everything, then I sorta just sat there for a while and took it all in.. I was just totally stunned and had not expected it at all. I am pretty sure I looked ridiculous as I sat there grinning and soaking in all the hard work he had done.. which had to have taken a long time... I proceeded to gush to him about how awesome he is.. and he pretty much just laughed at me.. but, I am still pretty sure he has NO idea how big of a deal what he did was to me.

I think the thing that blows me away the most is how much he did not have to do any of the things he did, yet he chose to. I had not hinted at wanting him to, nor had I hoped he would.. It just simply was not on my radar as something to be aware of or think about. I had it all planned out in my head, how the timing would work out, and what the priority list was of things still needing to get done. I had anticipated everything and had planned accordingly (or so I thought)... The amount of stress that was lifted, and the level of appreciation that I have for everything he did really is almost impossible to explain. How he figures out all the perfect ways to help is beyond me. All I know is, I am so thankful for him and his thoughtfulness... all the time. :) Not to mention the friendship he offers me.. He listens to me vent and think out loud, and encourages and pushes me everyday. haha... He really is oblivious to all the ways he makes a difference to those around him, which is kinda cool to me.. But, I wish he could just for a moment see how big of a difference his mere presence is to those of us that he cares for. He has no idea, and I have no way of really communicating it to him. Once again, regardless of where Jesus leads us in the future, I am changed and grateful for who he is, and the fact that I get the chance to be friends with him. :)

Deflating...

So, I feel like the last 6 months have been one continuously growing stress ball...


Like every little thing was just adding more helium to my balloon, and I was getting dangerously close to exploding....

Then, slowly.. little by little I have watched the stress begin to fade, to deflate and dissipate. A whole slew of things are finally changing, such as getting into our new house, getting most of the painting done, some of the moving... Getting the major work projects done, or mostly completed.

The last couple days have been really great. I have gotten all kinds of things done, which always helps me feel better and more accomplished. I have gotten to practice martial arts again, allowing my body to be active and move in familiar patterns again... not to mention, I have gotten to talk about martial arts and allow my mind to dive deep into a topic I am so intimately acquainted with, which, that alone is a huge stress reliever. My roomie finally closed on the house and we began the mass exodus of painting and moving last night... Simply being able to be active and not in a holding pattern has proven to be a huge help for both her and I...

But, mostly, I have been laughing more. And, while I have continued to laugh, I have not laughed even a fraction of the amount that would be considered normal for me in the last several months. I have commented several times that laughter has this weird healing, relaxing, and restoring ability. I am not sure how or why God made laughter that way, but He has, and it is a great thing. What I do know is, I have been laughing a lot more the last few days, and it has been a great thing for me. Last night I laughed a lot while we were painting the new house... It may possibly have been aided by the paint fumes, but, I am ok if that is the case ;) We had SO much help last night, it was such a wonderful reminder of how our friends are simply amazing.. and dedicated people.. not to mention funny, it was just nice to laugh at funny sayings, inside jokes, voices, comments, hip checking the wall and losing, people singing along with the music... whatever it was. And, even though my painting partner for my bedroom was more entertaining then painting help, it was exactly what I needed.. to just laugh and be kept company.


So, the marathon that is the next week is not over, but I am finding the stress beginning to deflate. Thank you Jesus!

Giddy...

I do not tend towards being giddy.. I mean, all the time I am easily excitable.. I get loud and animated for pretty much anything haha.. But, the typical "little girl" giddiness really does not happen to me often... And, lets be honest.. I have not been giddy about anything in a very long time... Let me give you a bit of insight into how odd I can be... haha

Last night, I got home from work and running a couple errands, and just had a lot of pent up stress that was threatening to completely run over me again. So, I decided I needed to work off extra energy and I went running. I was annoyed when at 2 miles my knee began hurting again and I had to walk... But, at least I got 2 miles in. Plus, it was hot and muggy enough that I was sweating as though I had just run 10 miles. When I got home, I got a text asking if I wanted to "play with sticks" ... which essentially means do some martial arts training.. And, the answer is ALWAYS yes, if I can fit it into my schedule at all. But, the problem in living where I do is, there has been no one who cares to really learn or has the training to actually allow me to get a work out in. So, to be honest, I have not trained seriously in about 2 years. Which, for someone who has had martial arts as a significant part of her life since she was 7, that has posed quite the challenge mentally and physically not to have that outlet... But, such is life, and you must adapt, so I have.

However, last night I got to train. Not the all-out-hardcore until I cannot move type training.. but, I got to begin teaching the basics again, and have my partner pick it up insanely quickly, with technique that is only in need of some basic tweaking. The awesome thing was, once they had the basics, they pushed it, they went harder and faster.. which means that I got to as well. I was impressed though to find that for the most part harder and faster for them did not mean a lack of technique or a loss of the tips and changes I had made to their technique. It was definitely a nice change of pace to teaching... And, since they are a lot bigger than me, it means I have to really be on my game while at the same time allowing my muscles to remember the movements that are so familiar.

Several times last night while we were training, I could not help but just grin because I was doing something that is so intensely familiar and like home, and that I made me a little giddy inside. So, I became a giddy little girl because I got to play with my sticks and do martial arts again. haha I am so weird sometimes... :)

Function...

So, I love the weekends, usually they bring a much needed break from the pace of the weekend, I end up being able to get a lot of things done that I want to do, and usually I really enjoy whatever they bring.

This weekend I find myself fighting to not stress out over the things that I have to find a way to fit into this next week. Last night I was able to get a bunch of stuff done, and then finally watch a movie and just let myself relax.. not worry about tomorrow (which I know we are not supposed to do anyway), not stress about timing of things next week, not try and figure out how to fit every work project in this next week.. but just.. be, no agenda, no timeline, nothing.. just watch the movie and sit or lay on the couch.. whatever. It was wonderful.

Then today I woke up finally to people moving one of my roomies out, and although I was warned they were coming, I had not been sleeping well anyway and I still found myself annoyed. I had to work for a while today, and was even more annoyed when I found out it was really pointless and the hour drive and the "lunch" was not worth my weekend time, or the added stress to my weekend. Awesome. I feel bad because I left there to go spend some time with friends, which was good for a while, but as soon as we stopped doing anything and everyone started giving the "now what" vibes I began to grow ansi and all the stresses of the next week started creeping into my mind. All I could think about was how I did not feel well and I have a million things to get done this week... So, making probably a poor choice I decided to leave.. in part so I could get some stuff done, but also in part because I did not want my mood to transfer to anyone else.

First order of business when I got home was a nap to hopefully aid in feeling better... Now, on to getting things done to hopefully help ease some of the stress of the next week!... Ugh I need Jesus and hugs this week...

Headlong...

"The wise woman builds her house,
         But the foolish tears it down with her own hands." - Proverbs 14:1


Sometimes.. or a lot of times I feel like the foolish woman it is talking about. I always talk about trying to be patient, graceful, loving, understanding, compassionate.. whatever.. but the reality is I am still a fool and I fail constantly... It is rather aggravating. I am impatient, and I tend towards not understanding or being compassionate. I am easily excitable and prone to exaggerate. One of my wonderful friend's comments last night was, "Well.. you tend towards throwing the baby out with the bath water..." ... And, she is right... and I hate that she's right.


It never ceases to amaze me how much I can have something figured out, and then totally get thrown for a loop. I can have conversations figured out in my head, I can know exactly how someone will respond, and I can have my mind made up... and then.. oh wait, I have no clue how to respond, because the conversation I thought would take place in my head... does not even come close to what actually takes place.


Last night, I was praying and sorta allowing Jesus to sift through the mass quantities of emotions that I am not used to having overwhelm me. I attempted to just sit there and let Him seep into my heart and mind, but I could not get myself to calm down on the inside. The biggest problem was, I have spent most of this week dealing with self imposed emotions because I decided to be impatient and not actually find out what was going on.. I just made a decision based on a fraction of the information, and the sad part is, I knew I probably did not have all of the information... Sometimes my stubbornness drives even me crazy.. I know better then to assume I have all the information, much less to make a decision about what I think about everything knowing I do not have all the information.


After talking to a couple people last night I was able to resolve some of the hundred thousand things adding stress into my life currently, and I found myself standing in the middle of the disaster that is my room.. and just incredibly humbled at the level of patience those around me have for my stupidity... I am so insanely blessed by how often those around me really keep me from plowing head long into trouble, and then, how patient and compassionate they are with the repercussions or the emotions that inevitably follow whatever my latest blunder has been. This feeling then of course began to seep its way into my journaling and praying to Jesus... I am just amazed at how much He chooses to care about me, and how often I am just retarded in my actions and choices, yet He patiently finds and returns me to Him every time. 


Nights like last night are really good and humbling for me because it reminds me how much I am just not "there" yet.. How much more I have to improve and how much further I have to go, and how much more graceful and quick to forgive and be patient with others I need to be.


Now, onto being patient and forgetting how stressed out I am about everything else going on...

Seek...

"Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 'I will be found by you,' declares the LORD.." 

- Jer. 29:12-14a

I Love these verses.. If you do not know, this comes AFTER we have been told that He (The Lord) knows the plans He has for us... and that basically His goal is not to smite us or bring calamity into our lives... But to use us to bring glory to Him. 


He desires for us to intimately know Him.
He wants to watch us succeed and do and be exactly what He created us to do and be.
He wants us to be passion filled.
He wants us to look to Him and seek Him regardless of what is going on.


He wants me.
He wants you.


He desires for us to choose and seek after Him.


Today I woke up feeling exactly like I have every other morning recently... first thought being, "Lord, do I really have to do this day?..." The simple answer?.. "Yes. Now get up."


So, obediently I got up and began my day.


But, today is a little different, I read the verses above and for the first time in a long time I felt this, not just logically understood that it is true. I understood deep down inside of me that Jesus is asking me to seek Him, He WANTS to hear me, He loves just getting to sit and talk with me. He Loves Me.


If my God loves me, then what perspective does that give my life? How does this change the way I approach each day? How does that affect my hope? It changes everything.


My uncle sends me daily devotional readings that he really likes from the Ransomed Heart ministry. These are a few excerpts that I really liked from what he sent me today, 

"Faith looks back and draws courage; hope looks ahead and keeps desire alive... 

But the road is not entirely rough. There are oases along the way. It would be a dreadful mistake to assume that our Beloved is only waiting for us at the end of the road. Our communion with him sustains us along our path. "

Communion with my Sweet Jesus along the way is what makes the difference. I have been spending hours upon hours praying and journaling every aspect of what is and has been going on in my life in an attempt to draw closer, not fall further away from my Lord, and it is not proving easy. However, doing so is allowing me the chance to see balance and sustaining that is taking place in my life instead of the uncertainty and chaos that I feel constantly on the brink of falling into. I do not understand why, I do not see the purpose, I do not see the morning coming to change my night.. But, what I am beginning to see once again is that I am not forgotten, I am not discarded, I am not being punished... I am being walked through another difficult time in my life, and I will be able to use this to further glorify my Jesus later. 

I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will be so thankful for this time later when I have to rely on the things I am learning now to handle whatever I face later. I want to get from here to there being found faithful.

Life is not easy, and lets be honest sometimes it just sucks... But, every single hard time is worth it later when I am able to use it to help someone else, to encourage them, to push them towards Jesus... when this current time smoothes my rough edges just a fraction more allowing me to look and reflect my savior  a little bit more.

So, today is not easier, I do not understand anything more then I did yesterday, my frustrations and pain have not eased. But, I found that I am finding reassurance and hope in the fact that my Lord wants me to seek Him, and He will find me in return. Meaning, ultimately.. this has a purpose and I am not lost and forgotten.

Seek and you will find...

Mirror Mirror...

What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? What feelings and emotions follow when you catch a glimpse of how you looked this morning? Do you even actually look at yourself anymore? Do you see what is going on behind your own eyes?... Do you see what others see in you?


Yesterday I was having an avoid the mirror day.. Not because I felt ugly, but because I did not want to see what was going on behind my eyes, and I was hoping no one else could either.. so ignorance is bliss right? I am in this weird state lately of just not seeing what everyone else sees, and avoiding talking about anything intimate or detailed that is going on in my own heart... or behind my eyes. It is no secret it has been a really rough few months.. I have just felt really beat up, as though as soon as I make it through something, another wave threatens to drown me and beat me up with the force of what is going on...


Last night, I spent a long time talking with my dad. I love that man. He is good for me because he is blunt, but loving.. he tells me like it is and exactly like I need to hear it.. I always walk away annoyed because I did not necessarily want to hear what he said, but so incredibly thankful and reminded that it was exactly what I needed to hear. He always reminds me that I am strong and capable. I am worth more than I know, I am precious, and I am important. He somehow is always the person who echos over and over "Krista you can do this..." and above anyone else's words I believe his. I love my daddy.


Then I went and spent some time just being really frustrated at life. I was angry at life, but just frustrated that God was not intervening. That I could not see my Savior moving.. Where is He? When will enough be enough? Where is my hope?... My emotions were on this weird mix of "screw it I don't care" and just hurting beyond what I have the ability to communicate. I was angry and frustrated, and I just needed Jesus to talk to me, touch me, remind me who I am, and why I am precious to him. I needed to be reminded that I am not just getting tossed all this crap because it would be funny to watch me squirm.. So.. after a while of venting my frustrations at life, two of my best friends and I spent more than an hour just praying. I knew I needed serious help going before Jesus, and they were more than willing to be the ones there doing that with me. I cried, prayed, sat, and felt hopeless... And then, slowly one small feeling and thought at a time I began to feel like, "dear beautiful daughter, it will be ok.. I can do this, just let me take care of a few things. Trust me, believe me, I have this under control." My problems and troubles have not been solved... but, I can be still once more. I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of struggles coming in the next little while.. but, I also know that once again my Savior is here.. doing what He has promised and taking care of me... He has not promised things will be easy... but, "If you've ever met a gentle, loving, wise person who radiates the love of Jesus, I can almost guarantee that he or she has suffered deeply." I am working on daily radiating the love of my sweet Savior, and as much as this is full of suck.. I will choose this over anything else. 

Reminded...

Pain and hurt are so hard to explain to someone not going through it. You can explain it, describe it, and give examples for them to compare it to, but the reality is no one else has anyway of feeling it with you. If you have read my blog for any amount of time, it does not take long to realize trying to push through pain and hurt are an ever-present goal and struggle for me. I have this insatiable desire to do things well, come through on the other side of something having done my absolute best, and for things to turn out well in the end. I am always hopeful and optimistic that in the end everything WILL be ok... Even if the end is too far away to see or grasp yet. I do not always voice my hope, but it is there.. and usually it is there in my knowledge of my Savior and His promises... Which are what gets me through the emotions of everything.

I went to bed last night hurting and frustrated.. I fell asleep in my prayers rebuking Satan and his demons from my mind, heart, room, house, from the situations I am in, and from the other people involved in my life that I know are struggling. I felt better as I drifted to sleep. When I woke up this morning it had been a solid night of unrest... I must have been having terrible dreams because I woke up at 2am hoping it was time to get up.. 2:50 thinking something was wrong with my phone I turned my phone on to check it, and received a text message from earlier that was encouraging in its own way. I was reminded in one line that I am not struggling alone, that it is not easy for them either. I then woke up at 5:00 frustrated, hot, and feeling like I had just come out of a terrible dream, but could not remember anything... I decided I should get up and go to the bathroom just to move around... Turned my ceiling fan on, and tried going back to sleep thinking, "Jesus this is ridiculous..." I woke from my barely asleep state with my alarm at 6:30 needing Jesus.. So, I played worship music and laid in bed attempting to pray away my feelings and frustrations... Only to then get up then 30 minutes late because of it, feeling no better.. Then to discover it is raining and I did not get the chance to set up the coffee the night before. Thank you Jesus for friends who live on my way to work, who make more coffee then they need...

So, not "feeling" anything today, no motivation, and no desire to do anything... I thought "maybe if I go back through my blog I will find something from my past that will encourage me..." .. and I did. Whew, thank you Jesus! So, here are a few quotes from one of my blogs in December (My Sandpapered Heart) that challenged me and reminded me... (I have bolded the parts that really jumped out at me again)

"I keep coming back to the fact that no where (that I can find) does God ever ask us to "feel" Him. He simply tells us to obey Him... So, do I obey Him with the total and complete knowledge of His truth... or do I obey Him when I feel like it, or feel Him.. or any other lame thing I can come up with? Will I obey him when I do not like what is going on? What about when I want to do something that will feel good?... 

Will I obey Him when it hurts? 

What about when I do not understand and I am scared?"

"What you believe matters, but only as much as it is validated by your actions."

Another thing he (Dr. Wheeler) mentioned was that 'We have fooled ourselves into believing we deserve God's grace, and that we're entitled to His favor.'

He then said something that lines up perfectly with one of my favorite quotes, he said "The greatest victories and personal contentment that we have comes from the hardest trials." Which is so true, and is one of the things that gives me hope and comfort when I am feeling hopeless and torn down.

My friend and I were talking about this whole concept later and we both agreed that it is like sandpaper to your heart... it does not feel good, but looks so much better.. and feels so much better once it is done and over. And, after it is done and over, no one ever would choose to go back to what it was like before the sandpaper...

So... This is me, saying "Ok God, take this and catch me."

When I re-read that something inside of me jumped. I was reminded that I MUST above anything else obey my Savior regardless of how I feel. I can pity party or make up excuses about my attitude and reactions because of my terrible night sleep all I want, but that changes nothing about my reality.. I must follow and run the race that my Lord has set before me.

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” – Galatians 6:9

My biggest fear currently is totally irrational and not at all what I have seen, experienced, and know as truth. I fear that I will work at my short comings, learn to be more patient, and persevere, work at being more graceful and loving etc.. etc.. and in the end it will not matter anyway, I will lose and it will all be pointless. Where in the world does this thought process come in? It is false and a lie, I know in my mind that is a lie. I fear that once again I will fail and that it is safer and easier to rely on only myself. I do not want this lie anywhere near me, which is why I am mentioning it, I have found voicing fears and concerns always seem to help me see the reality and truth in them, as well as the foolish thoughts and emotions behind them.

Lord, I cannot do this on my own, I need you because I am weak and impatient and short sighted. Please help me, give me guidance, help my faith, and calm my fears. Help me to rest in you and your promises with unwavering certainty. Help me to be obedient even when I do not understand or feel like doing so.

God's Gonna Do His Ditty...

"God's gonna do His ditty.."

It's a quote from a good friend of mine that was hit and killed by a car while he was out walking exam week Senior year of college... I was reminded of this saying yesterday while I was out running errands, and then again when I was talking with a great friend over coffee last night... The thing that I always liked about this quote is the understanding that regardless God is going to do His will.. and we need to be ok with that.

While I was talking with my friend for HOURS over coffee, (which lets be honest the coffee did not last a fraction of the time we talked) I was reminded of several things that I had sort of forgotten, and I was able to talk through various other things that I had been praying and thinking about, but needed the chance to flesh out that I do in fact firmly believe these things... 

Such as, my God is GOOD.. but that does not mean He promises a safe and easy life... However, if I truly believe He is good, then I need to stop worrying about what is coming. I need to completely and totally trust that He has great things for me, even if I cannot see them right now.

I have a list of the type of woman I want to be, and several things on this list have been things that have eluded me.. especially to the degree that I want them in my life. So, last night I got the chance to talk about some of those things, and really just get the chance to solidify in my mind the type of things that I want to do, ways I want to act/re-act, and things I need to let go of. 

The neat thing is, I did not have to detail everything out for her, we sorta just allowed our conversation to include and leave out whatever we needed, but at the same time we were both able to just admit that life is hard.. and sometimes it sucks.. but ultimately, we are very glad and very thankful for where we have been and the things we have learned.

One of the things I touched on and have been thinking since.. I want the "Words of my mouth and meditations of my heart to be please to you my Lord, my rock and redeemer." .. And, that I do not want to just SAY things, but truly believe and think them inside. Because, lets be honest.. I can fake a whole heck of a lot if I choose to... But, I do not want to fake it, I want it to be genuine, I want to truly and honestly be full of grace, patience, love, and portray and exude kindness as a woman of God.

I also realize that I need to actually be patient if I believe my Savior is good.

Suck It Up...

Sometimes I have these days where I just feel like whining about everything.. Whining about how frustrated I am at being tired, waking up late, the tasks I have for the day, the things that are not going my way, the muggy rainy weather, my lack of motivation to do anything... Just pretty much anything I can think of I want to whine about... 


On days like this it is like I am suddenly made aware how much of a complainer I can be, how much I need my Savior to help me today, and even when no one else hears me complain because it just goes on inside my head, God hears me and knows... And, in the midst of all of this, I am reminded:


"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:1-5

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." - Romans 8:24-26

And then in the midst of all of this I am gently reminded of what I truly want beyond my current emotions and feelings:

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
         Be acceptable in Your sight,
         O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

So, on days like today where I just want to complain about anything I can think of... or when I have absolutely no motivation, my God is here to remind me that He has my life, and I just have to rely on that knowledge with unwavering certainty that the plan I am living is not haphazard, but a carefully crafted, intimate, and personal plan laid out specifically for me... 

Now, if I can only be found faithful.

The Danger in Prayer...

I do not know if you have ever experienced what prayer can do, but let me warn you.. it moves mountains.. and it is a scary thing once you realize how much true faith makes a difference. The problem with prayer is they are answered. 

I have discovered my prayers get answered. Not in a cute little "thanks for turning all the lights through town green for me.." type way.. but in I pray and God answers me. Not necessarily all in the way I was hoping or thinking He would... but how do I dismiss a God that speaks back to me. How do I get angry at a God that allows me to sit at His feet and yell, cry, and excitedly talk to Him? How do I get angry when I pray for answers and I get them? 

The funny thing is when I tell people that God always answers my prayers I get this funny look like "what's wrong with you?"... and yet where in the Bible does it say my Savior would not answer my prayers?.. I never said I get everything I asked for in the fashion I asked for it.. I say He answers me. When I pray, I know He hears me, He comforts me, He reminds of verses, He lets me express whatever I need to, and then, in His timing He answers me. Sometimes I get upset with His answers, and sometimes I am blown away, blessed, and excited by his extremely complicated plan... and still other times I realize I have just one more piece to the puzzle that is my life. A lot of times my answers are just enough that they get me through now to the next moment, and there are times I know that really the only answer I can handle right now is "Wait." But, regardless... just know, your prayers will get answered. You will not always understand them, and sometimes it takes a long time and a whole heck of a lot of prayer before you get an answer, and sometimes they are so far from what you were expecting that you feel like returning them for a full refund... But, I also promise that in the end it will be a perfectly executed plan from our Savior... Even if at this exact moment it makes no sense.

Jesus hears and answers my prayers always, of this there is no doubt.

When Lyrics Speak...

I just really like these two songs right now.. Here are the lyrics that are speaking the most to me...

"You said you'd never leave or foresake me.
When you said, this life is gonna shake me,
you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul.
This I know

When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart, you're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on, you keep holding on

When I see, the darkness all around me
When I see, the tragedy has found me
I still believe, your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know." - Everything Falls - Fee

"Deliver me out of the sadness

Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through." - Deliver Me - David Crowder Band

Three Thousand Words...

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
         And He brought them out of their distresses.
    He caused the storm to be still,
         So that the waves of the sea were hushed.
    Then they were glad because they were quiet,
         So He guided them to their desired haven."

Psalm 107:28-30

"Let the mountains bring peace to the people,
         And the hills, in righteousness."

Psalm 72:3

        "When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
         The moon and the stars, which You have ordained;
    What is man that You take thought of him,
         And the son of man that You care for him?"

Psalm 8:3-4

Best In Life...

I am a huge believer in the idea that the best things in life are hard, difficult, challenging.. any of the above.. pick one. The things I remember the most, are some of the hardest most challenging things I have ever done. Pass my blackbelt test, pass and graduate college, move to VA, preach Jesus in Ghana... These have all been huge moments in my post-high school life that have all been challenging, but never have I regretted it. In fact, usually once I look back on them they are the points in my life that I am the most thankful for, and the things that I am most fond of because I worked the hardest, was the most stubborn, was on my knees the most, was terrified inside and yet was obedient to what God was telling me.

I tell my friends all the time when any of us are faced with difficult times that "it wouldn't mean anything if it was easy." I firmly believe this.. If I do not have to work for something it has a significantly less amount of value to me then something I worked hard for.

Have you ever stopped to look at the random things in your life that are worth fighting for? What about the challenging things that you have to change?... I have discovered a lot of things recently in myself that I need to work on, and spend a lot of quality knees to the floor time to correct and fix. I do not bemoan this except for the fact that, lets be honest.. no one LIKES finding things they have to change. No one enjoys times that are difficult. No one likes the revelation that once again they are not perfect and have oh so much more to work on... The difference is this time I know exactly what I have to do to be obedient... So, that is what I am doing, and even still, I feel like it is turning my insides into mush. I am being broken and molded and changed for the better.. but it is never an easy process. I see the good, and I am so incredibly thankful that I can see it this time, I know what the goal is... At least in part. Currently it is all still such a new enough revelation that it is an "easy fix"... Sorta like breaking a bone, if you fix it right away, while painful right now.. it is much more painful long term if you have to re-break it in order to fix it later.

I love when I can pray and feel my Savior moving. I can hear Him whispering "peace be still" in my ears and to just wait. I can feel Him holding me and reminding me that this is all for the better, that He loves me and this all regardless of how I feel will be so much better later... Just wait and see. I will not regret any of this later, and I will understand it all once I have been obedient and just waited and prayed... Ugh... so.. I wait and I pray.

One of the interesting things that I am finding is that the roles are reversed inside of me.. usually my heart is spazzing and my emotions go haywire while my mind with logic and reasoning has to talk my heart into a state of calm and understanding... usually with lots of prayer in there. However, this time it is the opposite, my heart is totally at peace.. which does not mean that I enjoy what I am feeling either.. I just have a peace knowing I am being obedient and I am relinquishing control to my Jesus. My mind however is going spastic. I feel like my mind is bouncing off its own walls. I am running scenarios that are not real, nor will ever probably be real.. Again, the only thing that seems to be calming my mind is prayer... ugh.. again with this prayer thing. I never used to be such a prayer monger, however, I am kinda appreciating and enjoying this new-ish (last 6-8 months) found closeness with my Savior.

So, my daily exercise... NOT freaking or panicking like I did this morning... and continuing to push myself to prayer.. to my knees.. to being facedown before my Savior knowing that He is working, moving, and making things as they are supposed to be.. His will, not mine.

The best things in life are never easy.. and even in the midst I do not retract that statement. I choose hard, even though it sucks now.

The Pursuit of Perfection...

My friend and I both really like the tag line for the Lexus "The pursuit of perfection" ... we like that it is a journey and never ending push to be perfect.

Last night I was reminded once again I am still in this pursuit.. I am not there... *big sigh* I wish I was a lot further along in my journey than I am.. but, I cannot change where I am except to push forward. I hate when things get pointed out to me that I am less than perfect on.. and it really does not matter what the thing is... or if I have a legitimate reason I am not an expert at it, I still hate that I am not perfect.. a natural.. whatever... But, even more than that I hate when they are right.

Last night I was shown in a gentle, nice, straight to the point way yet another way I do not relinquish control. I do not willingly let someone else lead. In fact, I will assume the lead before I have realized that is what I have done... It comes naturally at this point because of how long it has been necessity in my life... Back to my tango lessons huh?... Learning to follow a lead with my eyes closed trusting I will be safe and not run into anything.. gah!

I realized a few days ago just how frustrated I get at myself.. for anything. I was really frustrated because I could not figure out how to solve the problems of a couple friends and those around me... It is not even my job, and yet here I am... frustrated because I somehow feel I should be able to help more then I do.

And then, epiphany... Maybe that is what God is going through AGAIN with me... Be patient, wait, stop, trying to control will only leave me failing and frustrated... *another big sigh*

I have found myself in several conversations lately where I have been squarely faced with this issue... and I am finding I have more options in my repertoire of responses then I ever thought I had before... I have no idea where these sudden new responses are coming from but I am finding them fascinating (Thank you Jesus). My usual responses in the past have been full of puffed up arrogance or I have been so full of pride that I would never want to admit that the person might be right, so I would justify and try and explain in an attempt to make sure I was not viewed less than perfect still... Now I am finding that mostly I just sit or stand there and listen to what is being said, what I am being accused of, what perceptions are being explained.. and sadly a lot of times they are true.. I hate that I am not perfect. That I cannot flawlessly lead when I need to and gracefully step aside when I am supposed to... It is that gracefully step aside thing that I become a klutz about.

I think I need to seriously reevaluate some of the way I do things currently though... I have no idea what that looks like, but I think it is about to rock my world. I feel numb currently.. not in a bad way, but in the God is about to move inside of me, so he numbs the area that will be focused on beforehand... Or in some cases things get numbed so you cannot control them.. that is what I feel like God is doing. He is numbing me so that He can work effortlessly without me screaming in pain...

"Take my fret, take my fear. All I have, I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams. Be all my delights, be my everything. And It’s just you and me here now. Only you and me here now." - Only You, David Crowder Band

Choosing...

Today is a serious I need Jesus morning. I went to bed crying out to Jesus, and woke up in the exact same state.. almost as though my sleeping hadn't even gotten in the way of my prayers.

I hate when I cannot fix things for people. I hate when I have to sit and offer empathy and support, and I cannot actually offer anything... I hate when I cannot just solve the problem for someone. :/

My prayers always feel discombobulated when I am feeling this way. I always feel like I am at a loss for words to pray, that I have this mental block that keeps me from telling God what I am needing, wanting, feeling...

Here is what I know... My God is also my Lord. I will serve Him and follow Him regardless of how I feel. I will listen and be patient if it kills me. I will be strong and faithful because my Savior is here with me. Life is not easy, nor was it ever promised to be; but, I choose hard and rewarding any moment of any day before I would ever choose easy and mundane or boring. I do not understand a lot of "why's" in my life, but I also know that if I knew all of the answers, I would not be the person I am today.. for the worse.

Psalm 37:1-13

¹Do not fret because of evildoers,
         Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
    ²For they will wither quickly like the grass
         And fade like the green herb.
    ³Trust in the LORD and do good;
         Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
    ⁴Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart.
    ⁵Commit your way to the LORD,
         Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
    ⁶He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
         And your judgment as the noonday.
    ⁷Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
         Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
         Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
    ⁸Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
         Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
    ⁹For evildoers will be cut off,
         But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.
    ¹⁰Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
         And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
    ¹¹But the humble will inherit the land
         And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
    ¹²The wicked plots against the righteous
         And gnashes at him with his teeth.
    ¹³The Lord laughs at him,
         For He sees his day is coming.