What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? What feelings and emotions follow when you catch a glimpse of how you looked this morning? Do you even actually look at yourself anymore? Do you see what is going on behind your own eyes?... Do you see what others see in you?
Yesterday I was having an avoid the mirror day.. Not because I felt ugly, but because I did not want to see what was going on behind my eyes, and I was hoping no one else could either.. so ignorance is bliss right? I am in this weird state lately of just not seeing what everyone else sees, and avoiding talking about anything intimate or detailed that is going on in my own heart... or behind my eyes. It is no secret it has been a really rough few months.. I have just felt really beat up, as though as soon as I make it through something, another wave threatens to drown me and beat me up with the force of what is going on...
Last night, I spent a long time talking with my dad. I love that man. He is good for me because he is blunt, but loving.. he tells me like it is and exactly like I need to hear it.. I always walk away annoyed because I did not necessarily want to hear what he said, but so incredibly thankful and reminded that it was exactly what I needed to hear. He always reminds me that I am strong and capable. I am worth more than I know, I am precious, and I am important. He somehow is always the person who echos over and over "Krista you can do this..." and above anyone else's words I believe his. I love my daddy.
Then I went and spent some time just being really frustrated at life. I was angry at life, but just frustrated that God was not intervening. That I could not see my Savior moving.. Where is He? When will enough be enough? Where is my hope?... My emotions were on this weird mix of "screw it I don't care" and just hurting beyond what I have the ability to communicate. I was angry and frustrated, and I just needed Jesus to talk to me, touch me, remind me who I am, and why I am precious to him. I needed to be reminded that I am not just getting tossed all this crap because it would be funny to watch me squirm.. So.. after a while of venting my frustrations at life, two of my best friends and I spent more than an hour just praying. I knew I needed serious help going before Jesus, and they were more than willing to be the ones there doing that with me. I cried, prayed, sat, and felt hopeless... And then, slowly one small feeling and thought at a time I began to feel like, "dear beautiful daughter, it will be ok.. I can do this, just let me take care of a few things. Trust me, believe me, I have this under control." My problems and troubles have not been solved... but, I can be still once more. I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of struggles coming in the next little while.. but, I also know that once again my Savior is here.. doing what He has promised and taking care of me... He has not promised things will be easy... but, "If you've ever met a gentle, loving, wise person who radiates the love of Jesus, I can almost guarantee that he or she has suffered deeply." I am working on daily radiating the love of my sweet Savior, and as much as this is full of suck.. I will choose this over anything else.