So, I'm at home this weekend for one of my roomie's from college's wedding. She and her now husband are perfect for each other, and I couldn't be more thrilled for the two of them. She is so happy, and knowing her heart and the conversations we have had over and over for months upon months before he was even in the picture... it's just so nice to see those all come through, but only better then either of us had imagined. She is one of several girls I've prayed pretty seriously to find "the one," and either know for sure he's the one or get married before me... I'm thrilled she now is :)... 3 more to go :)
But, in the mix of all of the happiness and the laughter there is always the twinge of "when will it be my turn?" No worries, nothing big, and nothing like I used to feel.. but you see it and it makes you wonder about your own story... When will you find him? How will it play out? How long will it take? When will I get to be the most beautiful to someone?... And then, almost on cue you begin doubting it all.. as though some how you are less than every single other girl who has ever gotten married... That somehow it will escape you. Stupid, we all know it, but the thought is still there.
I was talking with someone last week... or the week before, and we were talking on this topic. When she brought up the idea that we sorta just assume God will bring us what we're "ok with" like we won't get the best... but we will learn to "deal with" whatever he brings us. As though we're the forgotten child who lives under the stairs... How sad, and how limiting of my God.
That idea got me thinking... Do I do this? Sadly the answer is yes, all the time. I see something and my attitude is "I can make this work.." or "I can work with this.." which right away should be a clue that it's not the best, but I begin taking things into my own hands and I start trying to plan, plot, and execute my own idea of how something will or will not work. But, I don't even just do this when it comes to guys, I do this all over the place. I assume for whatever reason that God's plan is for me to have second rate.. How sad. Especially when I look back on the pages of my story so far, every single thing has been exponentially better than I'd planned for it all to be.. So, why do I assume second rate is not just ok, but the plan?.. I have no idea. I'm an idiot I guess.
So, in the mix of being so completely happy and thrilled for my dear Ash, who is now on a new adventure... I'm dealing with a mix of how do I rely on the idea that I'm not going to get second rate?.. I dunno, but I'm gonna have to work on this for sure.
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For you, these thoughts may be a passing nuisance, but for me, they're a day-to-day struggle. Over the past five years, I've probably asked close to 400 girls out, but I can count the amount of girls that said yes on one hand. Of those, there was only one case where there was some serious potential. Week-by-week, rejection after rejection, it wears down your self-esteem and confidence. For me it's come to the point of spiritual turmoil at times. Every day that goes by, I find it harder and harder to believe that God has anyone for me at all. Am I supposed to rejoice that he wants me to live in celibacy until I'm dead? I love God, and I know his will is best, but I also hate his plans sometimes. It really does help to remind myself that God loves me even if women never will, but so many times, it's easier just to blame God, deceiving myself into believing I'd be happier if I never chose to follow my vowels before him.
Then again, part of my problem is that I'm not willing to settle for "just ok" when I'm looking for someone. I'm not up for the weight of dating a non-Christian in hopes that I can convert them. I'm not going to compromise my integrity by dating someone who uses drugs and alcohol in order to have a good time. And I'm not going to raise some other guy's children because someone else wasn't as selective as I was.
Of course, all of the people I described are children of God and just as deserving of Jesus's love, but a lot of my reasoning is based on what I believe the passage about being "unequally yoked" is about - dating/marrying someone who is on the same spiritual ground with the same spiritual growth as yourself.
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