So, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world (no really, it's ok to be jealous). I was talking on the phone to one of them yesterday and she was checking in on me to make sure I was ok, and that nothing eventful had happened since we'd talked earlier. I began after a little prodding, to tell her what was wrong and how I was feeling because she very quickly was able to tell in my voice that I was not having a good day.
She listened and heard what I was meaning more than what I was saying (it takes a special friend to be able to do that). I began detailing out for her my frustrations, and how much it bothers me when I feel helpless or as though I have nothing productive to offer. I hate that feeling, and it grates at my nerves to no end.
But, then she sorta giggled at me and explained how it was no surprise to her. She explained to me how I without even realizing it take people's problems and I carry them as though they were mine. Sometimes I offer advice and help (which is usually what I aim for), but most of the time I do whatever I can to make the problem at least partially mine also so they are not alone.
I guess I never really thought about it before, and I don't really know how or why that is my chosen method of showing my caring and compassionate side... All I do know is, that's exactly what I do. She couldn't have been more right, and I didn't even realize that's what I do. Or, maybe I did and just do it so naturally that I just don't pay attention to it.
She went on to explain how because that's what I do, everyone views me as "their person," they come to me to vent because I am stable, always available, and always wanting to be there and help. I never once viewed it that way, and I'm not sure what to make of that observation... I guess maybe, but I don't really think of it I guess.
She then explained that currently things are so hard for me because not only am I attempting to take on the problems and hurts of others, I am trying to muddle through my own issues that are taking up more time than I am used to or that they should. So, essentially here I am trying to juggle more than I know what to do with, all with intensely high emotions involved... Awesome.
All I know is, when I woke up this morning my first thought was "Lord I'm so empty it's not even funny." (How's the for a good morning thought!?) I've spent the majority of the day reading my Bible.. because I've been ridiculously slacking on that lately... And, what I know is that what I need right now is Him. I need His love and that's about it right now. I don't need people (WHOA!.. if you know me that's significant.), I don't need anything but Him, His time, His face... I need my Savior because I need to feel not empty inside anymore.
Man has this week been taxing.