I know I already posted today, but my heart has more to say... So, here I am.. saying it.
I don't know why but recently.. well ok with in the last year or so. I've begun to see a marked change in the way I look, view, feel, operate when I'm around people who are hurting... I used to really be like "oh I'm so sorry" and that would be the end or I'd adopt this "I'll fix it for you" kinda attitude, but I never really felt anything towards them... My heart was rarely moved.
Recently, I've begun to truly feel for them, hurt for them, ache for them, and it's caused a marked change in my prayer life for sure. I used to offer the typical "Lord help them" kinda prayer... And now, I find myself talking less with actual words in my prayers, and sorta just offering up my heart and the feelings my heart has towards the situation. I figure He knows what I mean because he created it.. So, I focus on just showing Him my heart and telling Him I need Him to do something about it, fix it, help them, comfort them, give me words, actions.. give me a way to convey how much I care.. to show them Love the way I should.. to reach them in a manner they need in order for the greater good and for God's plan to come to fruition...
But, I cannot accurately express how much I hurt for the people I care for who are hurting. Especially when, I see them go through the process as it's happening. I mean sometimes people come to you at the end and they give you the whole story and you sorta just take it all in, processing what they're telling you.. and other times you get the play by play as it's happening. The play by play sinks into my heart and it becomes an ever present ache in my heart that stays there until it's solved or until God takes it from there.
Yesterday a friend called and vented about a saga that's been going on for a month or so now. I've pretty much known everything either as it's happened or before it was gonna happen. Yesterday though was different, this friend's attitude on the whole issue was just one of pain and hurt instead of the normal pain with a hopeful attitude. I've never had this friend vent in the manner that they did, and I've never heard the hurt so deeply in their voice. My heart just broke, and I had no words to help. I had nothing. All I could do is say over and over "I know, I'm sorry" and when I explained I had nothing to say beyond that, they said they understood.. But, I hate that all I could do was listen, all I could do was say the same thing over and over.. and the pain that was being expressed brought me to tears. I knew the pain and the rejections my friend was going through, and it hurt to my very center... If I could I would take all that pain back and return there so they didn't have to. I know in the end they will be stronger, better, closer to God, but my heart aches so badly for them, and the worst is that I could do nothing to ease their pain. Nothing... I did the best I could to talk with this friend, and at one point my friend just yelled/vented at me for all the mistakes others have made... for all the frustrations that others have caused, and for every irrational friend they've encountered... All I could do was take it because I had nothing else to offer. So, I stopped trying to push my friend, and just absorbed whatever they needed to dish out, I tried to be whatever kinda friend they needed.. I ignored the painful things said, and I ignored the way they said what they said to me because it really has nothing to do with me... But, I still feel like I failed at being what they needed...
I know I know "you were there for them, that's what they needed" or "you just listened, that's the best you can do".. but that's not enough.. I feel like if I could just share the pain with them it would lessen the pain and hurt, and it would make it more bearable for them.. That's what I want. I can't do that, but I wish I could.
I wish I could make things hurt less for others... I wish I had the perfect words.. I wish I had the worlds best hug, the kind that would make their pain less just by a hug. I wish I could absorb some of their pain and then allow God and I to sort through it... But, I can't... All I can do is watch and hurt with them while they go through whatever they go through. I hate that.
To those who are hurting, I am serious when I say I'm praying for you. I may not have the words... and I may not even have the words when I'm praying... But, God and I are talking and we are communicating and I am pleading to Him for you. I don't say it flippantly, and usually I pray right away so I won't forget... and other times it pervades my thoughts and stays in my heart until it's over. I'm truly sorry you're hurting, all I can offer is the assurance and confidence that it WILL get better, in the end you will not regret it, and you will see God's hand through it if you let Him help you.