So, I've found myself in a situation recently where I am.. in plain simple words fearful of what could happen... The situation itself is not new, and in fact has been going on since October... it's just getting progressively more odd and the individual that it involves has been getting progressively more erratic. Up until recently none of the situation scared me, I saw it for what it was, realized the potential danger, the consequences, and the reality of certain aspects if I did or did not respond and act in various ways. I decided I would draw whatever I could and cause/allow it to slowly fade away when I did not nurture the situation.
Essentially what happened is, I was the first to get attention, then it faded when I did not respond, then others began getting it and it was worse, so I drew the attention to get it away from them since.. lets be honest I'm more capable of dealing with certain situations given my background and experience. So, I took the brunt and it worked well for a while. Especially when guy friends stepped in and decided I was NOT under any circumstances going to handle this on my own... ps I love my friends. So, things were going well. Things were under control. It seemed like they were fading away again and this time it would stay away... I'm naive what can I say I guess...
Then, suddenly out of nowhere it got a whole lot worse than it had been before. I decided after not much prodding, and several very concerned guy friends that I would take what I had to the proper people who could actually use what I had. Although, it was all surreal and a little on the odd side, I remained un-phased by the scariness of the whole situation. I realized what had to be done and that is more important than anything. Staying focused and keeping the task and the goal as priority in this situation was more important and took precedence over any and all emotions I had about the matter. I needed to keep my head on straight to help those around me that were nervous, worried, scared, etc..etc.. from getting worse. My perspective was simply that regardless of what the outcome was.. I would take it, good, bad, worse, indifferent.. I would rather anything that could happen happen to me, I serve a bigger God and I am well aware of that.
And then, I got an email at an address that shouldn’t have been found, and would have required more than just some casual searching. The contents were blatant lies… but, the person claimed I had said these things to them… At this point the un-phased part of this situation stopped being a part of my thought process… I felt myself slip into irrational thinking and fear and I was powerless to stop it.
So, what I really want to talk about is fear that takes over… I felt myself slipping into an irrational fear, I felt my mind going into my pattern thinking type of process, and I began to not be able to explain in any sort of linear fashion. I was scared and I knew it. Not really because of anything other than the possibilities of what could happen. Where do they end? I had a hundred and some odd “what if’s” playing in my head… I knew exactly what was happening and I realized I didn’t know how to feel. Angry? Sad? Scared? Confused? Frustrated? Mad? Worried? Indifferent?... Or was this what I had been planning the whole time.. pull this towards myself so it wouldn't be some other girl. I couldn’t think straight enough to decide what I needed to feel. I forgot who my God is. For a brief moment I felt alone and as though nothing and no one would solve this problem....
How terrible of a place to be.
And then, I sought out first one friend and then the second because I couldn’t think straight enough to think of anyone else who would be able to protect me in this situation. They both validated my feelings, and then began helping me figure out what steps I needed to take.. Linear in fashion of course, because I couldn’t think through what to do. It was like my mind became fuzzy and loud. I was having a hard time even processing what they were talking about, so they both had to step by step me because that's about as far as I could go. If they gave me a whole bunch in a row I couldn't keep straight which needed to get done when.. Like I said, my brain went pattern, fuzzy, and loud. Then, they both began helping me see the humor in the situation, which is exactly what I needed because I needed to find something tangible that would help pull me out of my thoughts. Each of them explained how they would help, both using humor to exaggerate the situation… And, once I began to calm down inside I was able to see my situation for what it is… Someone who God has to save, and regardless I am His, I am His child and He loves me.
I need my God. Nothing’s changed. I am in a world full of “what if’s” and I have two basic options… choose fear or choose God. Every situation I struggle with is based off those two basics.. Choose fear and allow Satan to pervade my mind or choose God and allow Him to cleanse and calm my mind. The reality is fuzzy and loud are what happens when fear takes over... and then when I realize it and ask God to come back into my mind and take over I get clear and sharp again.
Currently I’m bouncing back and forth… I’m worried because there is a very real possibility that things could go badly, and I really don’t want to deal with it when it does... But, I find myself not fearful of it at the exact same time because I would rather it be me than another, my God is bigger, my friends aren’t just gonna sit by and watch, my Savior will save, and regardless this will be another step in my journey that God has laid out for me.. It will all be worth it if I can use this later.
So, while I’m worried I know in the end the good guys win.