So, it has been an interesting last while. I keep thinking back over the last couple days, the massive amounts of emotions, the total void of any feeling at all, the struggle to feel normal again, the totally content moments.. everything seems to have piled on and fallen off this past little while.
Yesterday I was mulling over the idea of love. How much does God love us?... How much do I love those around me?.. Where is my line, and do I confuse love for something else when I feel like it?
One of my roomies and I were talking, and she told me about a podcast she had listened to, and how the pastor said "God's love for you isn't expressed in your circumstances, it was expressed on the cross." Which is such a great way of explaining it I think. So often, we forget that He ALREADY did everything we need in order to be loved. We feel the need to bemoan whatever situation we are in, claim, feel, and ask where's God? When in actuality, He already showed us what we need to know and has told us what we need to know.. we just stop listening.
Then, I re-found these verses: "Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:... Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand"...."Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place"... "Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?" - Job 38:1,3,4,12,35
And was reminded, my God is THAT big.. and still loves me more than I can really measure or count.
That got me thinking. Why do I love those around me?.. Because of who they are? What they can do for me? Because they serve some purpose to me?... Maybe sometimes.. but honestly, most of the time, I care and love those around me just because. I have no ulterior motive, no underlying goal, no agenda in the relationship... I just care about virtually whoever I meet just because I can. I am very thankful that God made me this way. I cannot think of a single person I have met that I did not care at all how they are if I knew/know them beyond basic one time meeting... and sometimes I meet someone once and they find a place in my heart right away.
I have had people ask me "why do you care?.. It doesn't involve or effect you.." and a lot of times that is true. Situations other people find themselves in, if I can I help.. if I cannot do anything then I just pray.. often times I do both.
Last night I was laying on one of my best friends beds and we were not doing anything but just laying there chatting and playing around on our phones. And, I began detailing out my thought process on a particular situation.. I was invited to go join some friends to hang out for the evening... I wanted to go, but the reality was the drive was too long for the time of evening I was invited, not to mention the logistics of getting home and going to work the next day would have meant a grand total of only a few hours of sleep. But, once I went through all the basics I began talking about my heart in the situation...
I want to be wanted. (who doesn't?!) I just did an entire post on the desire to be found beautiful and noticed. The thing is, if I am totally honest, I really do not think I would be wanted as much as someone else, not even in a woe is me situation, just knowing bits of information like I do. I would have ended up being "good enough" but, it would not have been what they wanted most.
Just interesting tid bits of thoughts. My prayer is that the God of all Peace and Understanding helps me "get" it correctly. See His plan, His love, His will.. everything. And that, through it all He will be glorified regardless of the cost to me... Although, I do struggle with the fear of things sometimes.. But, that too shall pass.