Captivated

So, currently I'm listening to Captivated by Shawn McDonald.. I love this song. The sound of the song itself is fun, light, and a slightly different pace than most songs.. but then there are the lyrics which are so descriptive.. try imagining each of these things.. it's a very vivid picture.

When I look into the mountains I see Your face
When I look into the night sky it sparkles Your Name

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

I am
I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am
I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning it gives me your sights
When I look across the ocean it echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

That's what draws me to You
The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea

The air in my lungs and the way You made me
The blood in my veins and my heart You invade

The plants how they grow and the trees and the shade
The way that I feel and the Love in my soul

I thank you my God for letting me know

Amazing People

So, while I'm extremely frustrated at things I can't control today, I am still amazed at the people God has put into my life.

I'm finding it amazing and interesting to see how God truly does knit people together that can cover for each other's weaknesses or for their low moments. It's fascinating to see how things are supposed to work when functioning in the "body." I think it's interesting how when I'm upset for whatever reason I end up talking with a friend who is very calm and collected, makes me laugh, or just is insistent on showing they care for me (even though that's a challenge to let them).

hmm.. God is so good.

Chivalry

So, after an incredibly long conversation with a couple friends about chivalry and why it's important.. I am having a real hard time wrapping my mind around it.. I understand the basics "Let me open the door for you" ok that's nice.. or the little more awkward "let me open your CAR door for you".. but I am having a hard time understanding the why behind it. Why would you want to do that for me?.. especially if I'm not your girlfriend? I can rationalize (or actually probably more irrationally explain away) why it's good for others, but what about me? I have a friend who not only offers to give up his seat for me, but moves.. and then stands there and insists I take it.. cause I've had guys offer their seats before, but I don't think I've ever taken their seat, cause it's a lot of hassle.. they don't move ahead of time so it just ends up being more work, and I like sitting on the floor, so it's just easier. When my friend Brit and I leave anywhere basically from our time hanging out he walks us to the door, and waits for us to leave. There are probably a few dozen other little things like that that he does that I'm not sure WHY he does it. Brit and I have both asked separately why, and while we've each gotten a decent answer from him, its still really hard for me to comprehend it.

Brit's big issue is why would he do something for her she can do herself?.. I've had this explained to me before, so this one isn't as big an issue for me.. I've sorta learned to graciously accept.. even though it can be odd I sorta understand so I'm ok with it.

For me I can't understand why he would do it for me, especially when I'm just a friend. I could understand those things being done for a girl he was interested in, gf, wife etc..etc.. but why would he do all those things for just friends? I don't know. He explained it.. but the fact that he kept pointing out there isn't an ulterior motive is where both Brit and I take pause. Not that we expect the reason to be conniving or with the goal of getting somewhere special, it can be a good ulterior motive.. but still how can there be nothing at all when it comes to chivalrous things?

And, see here's the thing, I don't have this desire to "be equal with guys." The bottom line is they CAN do things I can't, and there are things they are good at and like doing that I really could careless about, and vice versa. So, I don't object on the feminist's views, I just simply don't comprehend why it's important.

Don't get me wrong.. girls.. we.. I... like being treated special. Who doesn't like to feel important? Or like they are precious.. But, that's not the point, the point is why is it important to make someone who is just a friend feel special and important (in that context)...

It's just.. different, and not something I'm used to so it makes me feel awkward, or like I owe them something in return (which he was very quick to expel that idea). But, it's hard for me to just accept it without feeling like I should do something in return.

hmm...

Beautiful

Let me start by clarifying some things... I'm using this Blog as a way of putting down on paper what my mind or heart is mulling over. So, since usually those things are focused on trying to figure out what's wrong with me, what I need to improve, what I did wrong etc..etc.. most of this blog will be those things. So, in light of that please don't assume I am an emotional conflicted mess lol These are just things God and I are working through that I thought might be beneficial for someone else to see and read too... If for no other reason than to know you're not the only one thinking it or you meet someone who says something similar. :) Enjoy!

What is beautiful? This is something I've been thinking about for a while now, and I think this is such a broad question... I mean here are a few things I think are beautiful..

These are flowers from some friends.
And this is a pretty tree I saw the other
day while driving home from Brit's house.

This is a sunset I saw the other day...


To me these things I just find beautiful. An example of how creative, dynamic, and loving our God is.

So, then what about for people? Sometimes I feel bad for guys cause they just have no clue about what they say and how it effects girls. Even the most well intentioned guy makes comments that are meant harmless or as an observation and girls take it to heart.

The word "Beauty" is found 31 times in the Bible, and the word "Beautiful" is found 70 times in the Bible. So clearly this isn't just a topic that means nothing to God.. So.. How should we look at ourselves? Cause clearly we look at each other and see beauty, but for whatever reason we are blind to our own. I mean I can look at all of my friends and see how beautiful they are, some have these amazing eyes that dance when they laugh, others have smiles that you can't help but smile cause they are just stunning, some have these perfectly proportioned bodies that when you see guys around them is clear is attractive to them, or they have flawless skin, some have voices that are so easy to listen to, and others have the types of laugh that you truly hear the joy in it and can't help but laugh too, some have beautiful hair, And then some of my friends have all of those things and I feel more attractive cause they are MY friend ;) lol


"but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful." (Gen 29:17b)
"She (Abigail) was an intelligent and beautiful woman," (1 Sam 25:3b)
The entire book of Song of Solomon lol
"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands," (1 Peter 3:4-5)

Clearly there are more verses, but these stuck out to me.. For whatever reason beauty IS an important thing to girls. I know that personally I want to know I'm desirable on the inside as well as the outside. You always hear it in church that it's all about the inner beauty which without the inner the outside means nothing.. it's vanity.. like a vapor.. and you can't get to Heaven by looking good.

But if it truly means NOTHING why would God have made girls with that desire to be beautiful? I mean it's not something we learn.. look at a 3 year old little girl who is all dressed up and is told she's pretty.. or the 5 year old girl who asks her daddy if she's pretty.. God clearly made that a part of our wiring.. The challenge is making sure all the wiring is working together correctly...

So, here's where I struggle... I view myself as average.. not super beautiful, sometimes not beautiful at all, but just average. Which is fine, I don't mind it :) Where I begin to struggle is when I'm told and complimented on all of the wonderful parts of my personality, character, walk with God, etc.. etc.. Told I am "the type of girl guys want to marry.." and yet I'm not found beautiful (no one has said that directly), but it's in the things they don't say.. Because by process of elimination if I am the type of girl guys want to marry.. and I'm not married.. or even close to it.. then there clearly is something missing right? And since the only thing they DON'T mention is the beauty that must be it. Right? There is always the "you're such a dynamic, interesting, and intelligent person it's going to take a special guy.." hmm.. I hate that saying cause it doesn't say anything... or when they say "I can't wait to see who captures your heart.." as though I hadn't thought about it yet..

I find that this struggle to reconcile this issue in my head has caused SO many problems.. The easiest one to point out is my lack of ability to take a compliment that I don't believe ("you look pretty"), I reason it away as them feeling like they HAVE to say something (like them being polite or something). It's only cause I dressed a certain way. I have an attractive ____ but not an attractive ____ (whatever those things are). Or, when the poor well intentioned guy makes a comment about another girl's beauty, the assumption that girls in general make is "she has that but I don't.." so we take it to heart...

It's complicated for sure, and I honestly feel sorry for guys cause they have to sorta stumble their way along trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with us lol

So.. Hopefully soon I will have found my aha moment for this, and I will be able to progress in this issue. :)

What is Trust?

How do you handle your stress? What makes it go away? I have a couple songs I listen to, which always help. The song I ALWAYS want to hear when I'm stressed is Gravity by Shawn McDonald.. There are so many memories from this song of being stressed out and listening to this song sprawled on the floor in a dark room.. (it really does make you feel better to throw yourself on the floor..lol) but the biggest stress reliever for me is to laugh with people I can trust. It's not the same when you laugh with people you aren't close with or don't trust much because you're still hiding exactly how you're feeling. You have that wall up where no matter what you're protected, the fake smile, the fake laugh, the hiding it in the subconscious so no one will see it on your face. Now granted even if I'm around people (a group usually) I trust I won't (if ever) say what I'm stressed about or even usually anything about what's going on, but I feel enough at ease to truly laugh instead of fake it. I do still try to hide it from my face or just hide it in general, although I've discovered that it's those weird moments when you're off in your own world just thinking that I apparently have it written all over my face. Sometimes I know it's just my "thought face" lol but there are times it's a real concern, stress, problem etc..etc..

It tends to throw me off a bit when people notice though.. Or more actually when they not only notice, but ask about it. Depending on what it is and who they are will depend on if I tell them.
Which brings me to a topic that my friends here in the VA and I have talked about a decent amount.. The whole concept of levels of trust... Apparently guys are fairly simple in the way they trust.. Either they trust you or they don't. Girls (or I guess I really am just speaking about me..) are very different.

So then.. I have I think 6 levels.. lol but let me explain...
1st.. The "I've just met you" level. You haven't proven that you won't hurt me, try anything. You haven't shown yourself to be anything more than another person. These people aren't even considered acquaintances. They aren't considered to be trust worthy at all.

2nd.. The "Acquaintance" level. These people are trustworthy enough that you know they won't try anything, they basically are people you like, but for whatever reason either don't know well, or they haven't proven trustworthy enough to get to know more about you than the basic surface stuff.

3rd.. The "Friends" level. This is a HUGE level for me... I mean I have a TON of friends, so a whole slew of them fall under this category. These people are friends, you hang out with them, laugh with them, and generally have a good time.. Some of these people you will share certain things with, but for the most part it's fairly easy going. There isn't a whole lot of 'pushing' each other. You don't use these people to bounce problems off of, and you generally don't talk about things that are close to the heart... They tend to be (as bad as it sounds) the only for fun friends.

4th.. The "Good Friends" level. I have a decent number of people I would consider good friends. These people have proven themselves to be trustworthy. They know you well enough to be able to read you at least in part. They can push you as a friend (most importantly the push you towards God type.. but not all good friends are that type of good friend). In general these people are trustworthy with most things, maybe not the big fears or the things that are touchy and close to the heart.. but they can keep secrets, have proven to be reliable, and have shown they truly care about who you are. Sometimes these people are simply people you have known forever, and you know where the boundaries are for them and where you can and cannot trust them, but you have known them too long, and been through too much to NOT say they are a good friend. This level is kinda a flex level cause with some people the relationship is a very reciprocal give and take friendship, and other people it is only one sided. And still other times these are the people who used to be best friends, but for whatever reason (usually distance or length of time since you've seen them and talked last) they aren't as close as they used to be.

5th.. The "Best Friends" level. Now, I know that this is kinda an odd level, since people still try to tell me that you have only one best friend.. but that's simply not true for me. I have a whole slew of best friends.. Granted there are different types of best friends, and I have people I call best friends that I will never stop calling them that because they were for a certain time period in my life.. So, I guess I feel like they deserve that title lol.. But, these are the people you can trust. They hold your secrets, they push you to be better, the relationship is very reciprocal, and these are the people who it's ok if they see you weak. These are the people who I know I can call on at any time for anything and they will be there if it's within their power. I can laugh with them, cry with them, and I can be in any mood and they will still love me. These are the people I get mad around, vent around, and the people who know my fears and insecurities. They feel free to call me out of things, and usually are the people I think of first when I am struggling, and as sad as it is the ones I think of praying for the most. These are the people who you can not see each other or talk for MONTHS and when you do it's like everything is exactly as it was :) I love these friends :)

6th.. This is the "Intimate" level. Really this is only for bf/husband... Because regardless there is a level reserved for one person. And when I say this level is reserved for boyfriend.. That does NOT mean I am "all his" until we are married simply being of bf status doesn't mean he automatically gets me.. it means there are things he will get to learn that others won't (once he has proven himself..).

So, those are the basic levels. Each person is clearly dealt with individually, but these are the basic categories I put everyone in. There are also more details and it's way more complicated
then it was described here.. but this is the basics :) And no, I probably won't say where you are... especially if others are in the room.

The Songs in My Head

So, I've realized recently that I wake up almost every morning with a song in my head.. Or more accurately a portion of a song, cause some times a few days in a row it's the same song, just different parts of the song.. Sometimes it takes me all day to figure out which song the couple lines come from.. Sometimes it pertains to what I'm feeling for that while.. or sometimes it feels like God's wake up call in the morning.. and other times it's just random songs that make me laugh or wonder where in the world it came from...

Recently these are the lines that have been in my head in the morning..

" I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
Though it's not easy
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting "

Then the next morning I woke up with the same song, but a different part:

" I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait"

This morning I woke up with..

"You've won my heart...
Yes you've won my heart..
At the foot of the cross.." Just those words, which is kinda funny cause they're out of order a bit :)

I have a dozen others.. but these are the most powerful for now :)

Eleazar Daviid

This is my beautiful new Nephew Eleazar Daviid (Duh-veed)

He is adorable and I'm more than slightly bitter that I won't see him til he's about 6 weeks old!!!

Being an aunt is possibly one of the coolest things ever... :)

Permeating My Mind...

So.. I had an AHA moment on my way into work today.. I love it when talking to God I get those :) I figured out why I'm such a pessimist when it comes to relationships.. I mean seriously, I am fairly optimistic most of the time, I can for the most part keep a positive attitude.. So, I keep trying to pinpoint why I am such a pessimist about relationships involving myself (not others).

I mean others can tell me plain as day "this is what's going on.. this is what we see, think.. etc..etc.." and I will have the most pessimistic view of it. And it really bothered me, cause it doesn't fit with the rest of my world view. I was convinced for a while I had a commitment issue, cause that was the only thing I could come up with. But, I figured it out today.. now I just need to figure out what to do with my new found information :)

I am not scared of relationships (specifically speaking of boyfriend/girlfriend ones).. I'm not scared of the work, the trouble, arguments, the sacrifice.. none of that cause my parents have an incredibly stable relationship, and I've seen them do these things. I'm scared, or more specifically TERRIFIED of what I have experienced every single time (obviously since I'm not married). I am scared of feeling the incredibly painful "your not the one again".. when for whatever reason I am not the one for him, not the right _______, not enough ________, too much _______... and I always take that and attack myself with it.. I beat myself up over it.. and every single time I've given over to letting Satan pervade my thoughts of myself. I mean there have been times it's gotten so bad that my dad stepped in and we screamed at each other cause I didn't know how NOT to do that.. and he was scared for me. (quick side note, while I NEVER want to do that again with my dad.. I've never felt so loved once I figured out what he did :)

**Let me be clear... no suicidal thoughts have ever entered my mind, I have never resorted to cutting, throwing up (ew gross) or anything like that...**

But, for whatever reason my thoughts become only negative about myself, all I can do is find my faults, and why I am not and will never be enough. I'm not pretty or beautiful enough, I will never be attractive to anyone worthy, I'm not smart enough, I'm too opinionated, I'm not kind enough, I don't know how to be submissive enough, I'm not small enough, I'm too tall and large, I'm not passive enough, I'm not compassionate enough, I'm not girlie enough, I can never be like her, I can't be like that.. just to name a few of them.. I go over and over these thoughts in my mind and I literally have nowhere to go, I can't distract myself from them, and I can't brush them off like I do for everything else.. I convince myself that I just need a little while to be "disappointed"... that tomorrow I'll be fine. When in reality it takes some serious intervention to alter my mindset. Satan CLEARLY knows how to get me. And, I mean clearly.. he knows precisely to the tee what I have no defense against, I don't even know where to begin to build the defense... Ironically without the "boy" in the picture these are not only issues I don't really struggle with, but I actually very much like the way I am, and am fairly proud of these qualities I posses (knowing I can always improve of course)... And until now Satan has done a really good job of disguising what it is I struggle with.. I mean common, clearly these things are not the same as having a commitment issue (which I was beginning to worry was the TRUE issue)...

So.. Now what?

I mean I recognize the issue, I realize what Satan's game plan has been all along now. Cause if you've ever been there when I've broken down into one of these things.. according to my dad it's very scary, and something he never wants to see again. SO, now I know.. but you can't just snap your fingers and decide that 23 years of something will just go away. That all the insecurities will be gone instantly..

So.. Now what?

Well, that's where my conversation with Jesus centered today. Cause, I honestly have no idea what to do now. I obviously have no idea how to Guard my heart.. which IS THE WELL SPRING OF LIFE.. How does anyone suck at something that is so important to life?! So, that's what I prayed.. God needs to do it for me, to protect my thoughts and emotions cause I don't know how. It's obvious I can't go through life like this... cause that would mean missing out on huge blessings from God, and a lot of inner turmoil. I need Jesus on this one. He's the only one who can clean out the decay and replace it with what I desperately need there.

My cry to my Sweet Savior this morning consisted of begging him to save me from myself. I can't do it anymore, and I don't know how to change. I am terrified of those feelings because the pain is more real and more destructive than anyone can describe. It's such a visceral reaction in my chest.. One that can't really be explained.. there aren't really words I can think of to describe it.

How do people without Jesus keep moving?

Why is it so Hard?

So, I was thinking about it on my way into work today.. Why is it so hard? Why isn't it easier to love Jesus? Why do I feel like I struggle every moment to show love? Why can't I just choose to do the best, be the best, show the best?.. and then actually DO that? I hate it! I hate that I have to choose between two great things instead of just being able to do it all.. I hate that I'm not better at being a faithful servant/follower of Jesus... I hate that the most I think.

I mean common lets be honest, most of the time we all feel like we are "good people" that we have done "good things" or that we "are better than most"... I don't want to feel like that, I mean I don't want to have this opinion of myself that I am lower than dirt (clearly because I am one of the women who serve as the "crescendo" of God's creation haha ;).. but what I want is to have TRUE humility.. and I heard it described as

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less"

I want to have that. I want others to see my life and KNOW I live for Jesus. I know I am (for the most part) a joyful person (thanks to my name ;) but I want people to see it written all over my face. I want people to hear it in my laughter. I want people to watch me and see that I choose to love. I want people to see my bad days and see Jesus still...

I was thinking about this last night as I was sauntering up 3 flights of stairs to my empty apartment insanely late for the hour I have to get up... Why do I keep staying up SO late when I know I have to get up SO early?.. And right away a thought popped into my head..

"Because people are more important than things. More important than sleep, more important than money, more important than anything else..."

I smiled to myself as I opened my apartment door because my Grandma used to say "people are more important than things" even when one of us grandkids would break something she loved.. (and ps I still miss her like crazy) But, she said that so many times.. My parents have said it more times than I can remember. And, the reality is it's true, I would give up anything I could for those I love.. My dad always says the TRUE meaning of life is Relationships.. and it's true, your relationship with God and your relationship with others.. that's all there is.

Sometimes I know I push myself too far, I give more money then I can afford, I give up more sleep than is good for me, I give up more time than I have, I give up things I might need.. I stress about how to help others..

I want my friends and family to know I love them, that I go to great lengths to show them that love in a way that means something to them personally, that I am serving them in a way that means something special to them .. and I hope I am doing that to at least some degree. I want those I encounter to know they are important to me. Even if it's a small encounter.

and ps.. I'm so tired today, but it was worth the laughs and the time spent :)

Create in Me a Clean Heart

I'm not sure why, but this song came out of nowhere and suddenly I heard it over
and over in my head today.. My mom and dad used to sing it all the time around
the house when I was growing up.. Not to mention we had these Cassette tapes
and later Cd's :)

"Create in me a Clean Heart, Oh God, And Renew a Right Spirit within me.
Create in me a Clean Heart, Oh God, And Renew a Right Spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Thy Presence, Oh Lord.
And Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the Joy of Thy Salvation,
And Renew a Right Spirit within me." - Keith Green

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10