Why is it so Hard?

So, I was thinking about it on my way into work today.. Why is it so hard? Why isn't it easier to love Jesus? Why do I feel like I struggle every moment to show love? Why can't I just choose to do the best, be the best, show the best?.. and then actually DO that? I hate it! I hate that I have to choose between two great things instead of just being able to do it all.. I hate that I'm not better at being a faithful servant/follower of Jesus... I hate that the most I think.

I mean common lets be honest, most of the time we all feel like we are "good people" that we have done "good things" or that we "are better than most"... I don't want to feel like that, I mean I don't want to have this opinion of myself that I am lower than dirt (clearly because I am one of the women who serve as the "crescendo" of God's creation haha ;).. but what I want is to have TRUE humility.. and I heard it described as

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less"

I want to have that. I want others to see my life and KNOW I live for Jesus. I know I am (for the most part) a joyful person (thanks to my name ;) but I want people to see it written all over my face. I want people to hear it in my laughter. I want people to watch me and see that I choose to love. I want people to see my bad days and see Jesus still...

I was thinking about this last night as I was sauntering up 3 flights of stairs to my empty apartment insanely late for the hour I have to get up... Why do I keep staying up SO late when I know I have to get up SO early?.. And right away a thought popped into my head..

"Because people are more important than things. More important than sleep, more important than money, more important than anything else..."

I smiled to myself as I opened my apartment door because my Grandma used to say "people are more important than things" even when one of us grandkids would break something she loved.. (and ps I still miss her like crazy) But, she said that so many times.. My parents have said it more times than I can remember. And, the reality is it's true, I would give up anything I could for those I love.. My dad always says the TRUE meaning of life is Relationships.. and it's true, your relationship with God and your relationship with others.. that's all there is.

Sometimes I know I push myself too far, I give more money then I can afford, I give up more sleep than is good for me, I give up more time than I have, I give up things I might need.. I stress about how to help others..

I want my friends and family to know I love them, that I go to great lengths to show them that love in a way that means something to them personally, that I am serving them in a way that means something special to them .. and I hope I am doing that to at least some degree. I want those I encounter to know they are important to me. Even if it's a small encounter.

and ps.. I'm so tired today, but it was worth the laughs and the time spent :)