2012 Wrap-Up...

Virginia Beach at night

Every year I do a year end wrap up.. I tend to do each year differently for some reason... And, this year is no different... in that it will be different than the others haha :)

I have been blogging since I was 18... Basically since blogging began "back in the day" haha.. However, I switched from my Xanga (what?!) to this one in 2008 when I moved to Central VA. Here are the previous year's in review posts:

2008 - Who Were YOU a Year Ago?
2009 - The Year I Was 24
2010 - 2010... Never Again...
2011 - Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

DC

(This gives a great view of how much my writing and views have changes and grown due to experiences, trials, friends, etc..) What a crazy thing to look back and read the year end reviews.

In the early part of 2013 I will post my goals for the year and some of my thoughts on where I feel like God is or is not leading me.

Power of Propaganda - Holocaust Museum

I love these two posts more than any other I do because it helps me wrap up and finish a year, and then look forward. I love that I can look back and remember what God is and has been doing in my life for so many years, and have a physical representation of the journey He is taking my life on... Plus, it is just sorta fun to see how accurate or totally off I was!

Favorite Memorial

I went into 2012 feeling like God was asking me to just take things as He brought them to me.
I had a few goals or "resolutions" going into 2012:
I wanted to exercise more compassion, grace, mercy, and love than I have in years past.
I wanted to diligently complete the next year of my double masters program.
I want to work better at controlling my mouth.
I wanted  to draw closer to my sweet Jesus Christ,  I want to learn more about who He is, and subsequently who I am supposed to be...
I wanted to learn how to love people on behalf of him better this year...

And then, I ended with saying "Now to pray them into existence" ... Boy did I have little idea at the time how much of this year would revolve around prayer...

New Years Eve

In January I started my own business.. which I dabble in still, but it is not my main focus.
A relationship I was "seeing where it goes" ended.. lamely, but it was definitely for the best, even if the reason given was over text message, and late came out to not actually be the real reason. I am thankful that even though it hurt, I learned so much about dating. -- This also was the start to just being satisfied with my single path that God has me on currently.
My bff came to visit, along with my best friend from Lynchburg, and then we toodled around DC with my best friend from DC and celebrated my 27th birthday.

My first "work" friend in DC

In February I felt like I was on the cusp of something.. Like I was running towards a cliff, getting ready to throw myself off of it, but I was unable to see what was over the edge.. Little did I know it was the start of changing things to bring me back to MI.
I wrote the single most visited blog post that I have ever written: Gay, Lesbian, Laws, and Christ... -- And, I am have gotten some really great feedback from people from all different backgrounds and viewpoints.. Including a dear friend who I have never seen face to face but is on my 3x5 cards ;)

Meg came!!

March really sunk home the year of prayer I felt like 2012 was turning into. I loved it, but it was definitely challenging, and at times almost physically painful.
March was a very humbling month...
I also was faced with some very difficult relationship situations...

Easter Weekend with best friends

In April it dawned on me how many prayers God is answering in my life!.. It also left me feeling mentally blank when I would try to blog... Which lead to a lot of randomness...
I realized how much I loved my church, how much I enjoyed being a part of it.. and even still how much I feel connected through it.
I was reminded that I will serve and praise the Lord during the good and the bad.
I realized I never meant to be a career woman, and my heart ached.. Ironically I vocalized my desire to be a catalyst...

Memorial Weekend on the Capital lawn..
Before we got stormed out

Unannounced to me May started months upon months of adjustments and pain that really is due to a chronic problem I have...
My mom and I talked multiple times a week on our drives home, and had lots of interesting conversations...
I updated my life goals...
I also decided to be bold over the summer.. Pretty funny considering all the changes summer brought me..
God and I continued our never ending learning curve about leadership and marriage.. One day maybe it'll be put to good use!

Small group friends

Meeting Vera!

June. Was. Crazy. Seriously, I have no idea how I fit so much into it.
I met a longtime friend FINALLY.

4th of July

DC Fireworks

Then there was July... Oh the infamous July... In the beginning of the month I prepared to start a fast that would kick off in the middle of the month.
I had my fill of "single" comments.. and my need to share my sentiments spilled out into a mostly sarcastic and humor infused post..
I struggled with relationships, and conflicts.. Which is good.... and usually feel terrible.
And then.. I naively posted about despising parts of change. God and I did battle as I kicked off the 40 day freedom fast.

"The Pencil" - Washington Monument

Prayer and Change, that is what this year felt consumed with.


 

Bachata Congress!

August was C.R.A.Z.Y. - I interviewed for a new job.. danced.. seriously injured myself.. accepted a new job.. and prepared to move.

Ice Cream eating competition - with our Ref.

September was a blur of packing and painting, saying good-bye, crying for all sorts of reasons, and a hard to explain mix of emotions. I am not even kidding when I say, no matter how shallow it may seem, choosing to leave DC and move back to MI was one of the hardest things I have done. Not because it was actually hard, and not because I struggled with whether God was leading me, but because I loved my friends and church there, and it felt safe, like home.

The murals I painted in my office

Then, what felt like the culmination of the first 9 months of 2012 finally exploded into crystal clear depiction of what it was pointing to... And, as always, God took care of me.

Vormund!

Oh man did I begin to get overwhelmed and totally humbled by the task before me... I set to the task of doing my job, and doing it well... and then I never slept. Literally.

Change.. oh October was about change.. in every sense of the word.. Life, Work, Puppy.. change change everywhere..

Three of my siblings - They make me laugh a lot

Oh sweet November... I don't really remember you because I was busy.
Busy raising a puppy and loving people for Jesus.. That is until I got sick, then I still had to raise a puppy and love people for Jesus, but felt like I was going to die.. or cough up a lung.. or never ever get enough sleep again. (dramatic much?)
After a much needed trip to DC to see people I love, I became consumed with work.. I loved every bit of it, despite the 80 hours a week I was putting in.
My great grandma passed away.

My first "for real I'm an adult" Christmas tree!

December brought with it crazy amount of hours of work, but I began seeing things happening and started seeing the work I was doing having an impact! But, in the midst of seeing the impact, I also began to see difficult things, and started realizing I have no "outlet" and will quickly burn out at the pace I was keeping.

Getting to be a fun aunt

I wrote my first guest post: Don't Be Afraid to Date...
And, my puppy is growing.. a lot.. and is sick..

Teaching munchkins how to make funny faces

What is crazy to me is that I tagged a LOT of the blog posts I wrote throughout this year.. but, I only chose a few from each month.. which means, this is merely a glossary overview of the year, the trials, the struggles, the joy, the friends, the trips, the meltdowns.. it amazes me at the sheer amount of things God has done and the prayers He has answered this year. Blows my mind. I am somewhere between totally overwhelmed and really stoked to see what He uses this building block of a year for in the future...

I have grown so much this year, and as difficult and at times painful as it was, I would never give it back nor change it. I am so beyond humbled at the task before me, but also at the friends and family that support me...

Who am I that God should use me?

2012 was a year unlike any other.
2012 was a year of prayer.
2012 was a year of change.

Hip Woes...

There are periods of time that I forget and subsequently become lazy about the specific and tedious care my body needs in order to maintain homeostasis. You see, my tendons and ligaments are something similar to an old worn and overused rubber band; they stretch more then they should, and they have very little pull resistance. Due to the relaxed nature of my tendons and ligaments, I have to be diligent in exercising, taking supplements, and stretching.

What happens when I am not diligent?... I dislocate a hip and crumble to the floor.

Seriously, that happened to me last Sunday.

The frustrating thing about all of this is, I am aware of my issues with my joints, but somehow manage to forget and/or push my body just beyond what it can handle... The even more frustrating thing is when I dislocated my hip this time, I did it stretching. No joke, I had spent the whole weekend dancing, and really it was the first time I had worked out in more than two months.. However, I did not think about the fact that spending all weekend dancing would fatigue my core and hip muscles, which would then affect my bodies ability to keep itself together.

On Sunday I was doing a fairly normal standing leg stretch when my right hip popped about eight times and shifted dramatically. (Before continuing, let me explain, I dislocate things on a somewhat regular basis.. It is always painful, but no joint is as painful as the hip... Ok, well maybe the jaw, but that happens less regularly.) Thankfully when I dislocated my hip I was holding onto a railing, otherwise I likely would have fallen; instead I lowered my leg, and then slowly crumbled to the floor trying to draw as little attention to myself as possible.

Pain. Massive amounts of pain when you dislocate your hip.

I spent the next twenty minutes trying to see if I could pop my hip back into place myself. I succeeded in popping it a few more times, but not really back into socket. And, since I was getting ready to take the last workshop of the weekend, one of which I had been looking forward to all weekend, I proceeded to dance another hour. By the end of the workshop, my pain threshold was getting a good test, but my almost equally intense desire to not make a big deal about the pain was also in full effect.

Thankfully, I was able to find a friend in town willing to inflict even more pain on me in order to put my hip back into place. The only bright spot in dislocating my hip is it provides incredibly hysterical stories later of the process of talking friends through how to put my hip back, fielding their questions, then laughing at their reactions to the entire thing.. And, trust me, I am perfectly aware that it is a completely ridiculous situation to start with, which only adds to the humor of it all... after the pain has subsided.

Currently, I am dealing with residual effects of a dislocated hip, which basically include a really sore hip joint, and a lot of somewhat painful but careful stretching. As luck would have it, I have weekly visits to my chiropractor and he is awesome; he put me through some tests to figure out where my hip was a few days later, then gave me some tips and things he wants me to do to speed up recovery.. but until then it feels unstable and sore. Lovely.

Life Lessons from Dancing...

So, I spent the weekend at the DC Bachata Congress. This is my second year attending the entire weekend, and my third year attending at least some portion of the event. I love dancing, and I love dancing with friends.. which this weekend was packed full of.. but, I am always amazed at how much I learn about myself and life in general from dancing.

However, before I get to my life lessons, this weekend my friends and I succeeded in taking more than one picture throughout the weekend...

 

(haha... There are a few more from my camera, and she has a couple more on her camera as well)

Throughout the whole weekend, we took some amazing classes, learned a whole lot more footwork than anyone could ever actually retain in one weekend; so instead took a ton of videos of the things we learned. And then we spent all of our spare time doing homework, eating, and sleeping. 

So, onto the life lessons I garnered about myself and relationships from dancing.

First, here's a video, that's out of focus, but gives you a basic idea of what I'm going to talk about. We are dancing Salsa (on 1)...

This video was from the second hour of the private lesson I had with Darlin Garcia, (who is hands down my favorite instructor/professional dancer). I have a lot of respect for him for so many reasons, partially because he loves and is dedicated to what he does, but also because he loves and is dedicated to his beautiful wife, son, and God, and there is no mistaking any of that... Not to mention he is a fantastic teacher and lots of fun.

Anyway, while he spent a couple hours helping me perfect my approach to salsa, my technique, and footwork (all things I desperately needed), he (probably) unknowingly helped me understand my approach to a lot of things in my life as well. 

The first hour of our lesson was just he and I, and we spent the majority of the time working on the literal basic steps, but not because I did not know them or could not perform them, it was entirely because I was not focused on the basic steps, so subsequently would try and figure out or get to the next step, move, pattern etc.. Which of course throws off the entire dance because he (the lead) is not there yet. Other times I would get so anxious for what was coming next that I would stop paying attention to what was going on now, and as he deemed it "run away" trying to anticipate. In the video you can see me smile or laugh at him each time I almost run away to the next thing before he leads me there... And then at the end of the video the high five was because I made it all the way through without anticipating and actually allowed him to lead me... It is harder than it looks!

I realized in the middle of our lesson that in general my approach to life is foll throttle forward.. and very little of my attention is in taking the time to focus on right now, the current step... Oye.

The night before my lesson, I realized that I always thought I needed or preferred a "strong lead" meaning a clear, distinct, and "good strong" lead, which I associated with forceful... Yet I realized that I was not as much a fan of the forceful leads, and felt like I messed up much more. After spending time learning from Darlin, it solidified my revelation; the "good strong" leads are actually the yes, clear, distinct, but gentle ones, not at all forceful. Because while Darlin is certainly strong enough to easily pull and push me around as we dance if he wanted to, he chooses instead to be clear and direct, yet entirely gentle guidance... Granted because I am still not very good yet, it takes me a little while to learn and pick up what the signals mean, but he remained patient, and kept his sense of humor throughout the entire two hour lesson. 

What I realized throughout my lesson with Darlin, and the weekend as a whole is that, the more forceful a lead was, the more tense I would get in the dance, and then subsequently the more I would mess up and the less fun I would have. When I get tense, I would begin to get nervous and spend the entire time focused on protecting my shoulders from turns that were too forceful or pay more attention to the people around me ensuring I did not bump into them rather than enjoying the dance and the lead he was giving. However, on the opposite spectrum, the guys that lead clearly and directly, but with a much more gentle approach allowed me to relax, trust them, and follow much more easily. I found that with the gentle leads I would I stop paying attention to the people around me and forgot to focus on protecting myself from potential harm and instead just enjoyed the dance.

I find it funny that spending a couple hours with a dance instructor gave me a slighly different perspective on not just guys leading in general, but more specifically what actually makes me more comfortable.. which interestingly enough was not entirely what I thought (only maybe 2/3 correct haha). 

What a painless way to learn something about yourself... If only all life lessons could be taught in a couple hours of salsa dancing ;)

27th Birthday...

Today I turn 27.

I have had one of the best birthdays, and have been reminded of how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am to have so many people in my life who love me dearly... even when I fall short.

I will write more about the weekend later... Right now, here are the top 27 things from the last year (in chronological order):

1. Two of my best friends getting engaged 30 seconds after the the ball dropped on New Years. 
2. My bff marrying the man of her dreams, and getting to stand up in her wedding with her.
3. My best friends and roomie surprising me for my 26th birthday.
4. My little brother showing up for my 26th birthday with a dozen roses from him and my older brother.
5. Spending Easter with my best friend from college and his wife.
6. Getting to surprise my older brother for his birthday.
7. A friend moving to DC and becoming a close friend.
8. A new roomie moving into the house.
9. The wedding of a great friend.
10. My two best friends getting married.. and spending the weekend with so many close friends.
11. Throwing my parents a 30th anniversary party and seeing everyone.
12. The Bachata congress here in DC with such a wonderful friend. 
13. Lake and beach days.
14. Helping my bff and her husband move.
15. Visiting my cousin in California.
16. Learning to Paddle board.
17. Finally letting God take control of my frustrating work situation.
18. Finding stability and peace internally for the first time in two years.
19. Surviving the first year of Grad school.
20. Reconnecting with an old college friend.
21. Making Thanksgiving dinner with a my wonderful friend.
22. Letting God use others teach me about my value and worth.
23. Going to Philly with one of my amazing friends to dance and spend time together.
24. Driving to MI and back to DC with my roomie.
25. An old roomie/sister getting engaged.
26. Christmas.
27. Surviving 2011 officially when the ball dropped and it was 2012.

Some of these are obviously a little tongue and cheek, a few I am well aware make no sense unless you lived through those moments with me, and others are amusing, but completely true to how I feel.

26 was a really difficult year for me (as was 25), but I am incredibly hopeful about this year. I am amazed at the things God is teaching me already in this year, and I am so excited for what is to come (and filled with a little Holy trepidation if things continue to go the way they are currently).

Thank you to the friends and family:
That have stood by me, listened to me vent, ramble, cry, yell, laugh, and for the times you sat next to me in total silence because the were just no words. Thank you for the cooked foods, the movie nights, the galavanting around, the trips, and the memories we built this year. Thank you for sticking through the really difficult times, and for all the times you were more gracious than I deserved, and chose to love me despite my shortcomings and flaws. Thank you for your patience as I learned how to be patient. Thank you for your compassion as I learned what true compassion meant. Thank you for all the times you sought me out because I was unable to look beyond my own pain. Thank you for all of the hugs, dances, snuggles, running, goofing around, and for all the talking around the dinner table. Thank you for all of the phone conversations, for telling me when I was wrong, for listening to me when I needed to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of someone, and for praying for me whether I asked you to or not. Thank you for encouraging me more each day to draw closer to the Lord, and for all of the times you were on your knees on my behalf. Thank you for the unconditional love and forgiveness that I do not deserve, and for picking me up when I was unable to get up. Thank you for the faith you shared with me and for the confidence in our Savior when I was doubting. Thank you for sticking by me when it would have been much easier to walk away.

To my friends and family, I do not deserve you, but I simply cannot express how thankful and humbled I am that you are in my life. You show me Christ in new ways every day, and words simply cannot express how much each one of you mean to me. Thank you is not enough, but thank you is all I have.

Ringing in 2012...

I went out with several friends for New Years Eve, we had.. a lot of interesting things happen, including almost getting hit by a drunk driver that was trying to outrun us.. or run into us... while driving without a tire and spraying sparks and flames... Praise the Lord that the cars that had a green light didn't go so I could run the red light (after already stopping) when I realized he was going to rear end me going 50mph... Whoa.

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the evening.. lots of fun and laughter!

 This is a dear friend I have been able to reconnect with a couple months ago. Which is awesome!






My fantastic friends who made the trek up to DC to ring in the new year with me!

 Haha.. we became friends being in a wedding of a mutual friend.. and we dance TOTALLY ridiculous at the reception, it had been a while since we had the chance to have a ridiculousness dance session.. so we had to take the opportunity to interpretive dance to the music haha











On the train on the way home, we discovered we both are complete cheesers when we smile for pictures.. So, we had to take a few to laugh at.

Such a fun evening with friends, even with a few minor mishaps...

Happy New Year!

Philly Weekend...

My friend and I are headed to Philly in the AM to get some private salsa lessons from our favorite professional dancer Darlin Garcia, and attend a grand opening of a dance studio. This is sort of our Christmas gift to each other.. which really we are both paying for ourselves, but it is more about the set aside time we will get to spend together, catch up, and share in some dancing.. which we love doing.. but love doing together even more!

I cannot begin to explain how excited I am to spend the weekend with her. She is such a blessing in my life, constantly encouraging, checking in on me, listening to me ramble about the most obscure things, and most of all we end up laughing together so much about all kinds of things. She surprised me by her friendship and loyalty, her dedication to me when I have gone through some really rough times just amazes me, and there is no doubt that I am blessed to have her as a friend..

And, I love her more than she loves me ;)

New Experiences..

My roomie, and a couple of her co-workers came out salsa dancing with a couple of my friends and I. I am so proud of her for stepping out to try something new that she is not naturally comfortable with, and especially for not just trying it, but keeping an open mind.. and finding out she could have fun AND feel graceful.

Successful night for sure :)

Bachata Dancing...

So, as promised here are a few videos from the DC Bachata Congress this weekend.

The first one is Christian Sola and Elina, and they taught a Bachata in the Dark workshop.. which sounds like it could be sketchy, but really he focused on the finer details of Bachata as well asappropriate ways for the guys to turn and touch the girls while dancing with them.. He emphasized that it is actually mostly an illusion rather than actually touching.. If you pay attention you can see it in this video, it looks like they are very connected and intimate and close.. however, they are not actually touching each other with their fingers. He's leading her with the palms of his hands, forearms and elbows almost exclusively...

 I very much enjoyed this class. I learned a whole lot about the smaller details of Bachata, and they were fantastic instructors!

The next video is Troy and Jorjet. Possibly among (if not) THE top Dominican style Bachata dancers right now. Not only is he absolutely hysterical, and she stunningly beautiful (and they are married), they dance fantastic together.. Her footwork is astounding and, they are amazing instructors! I want to be able to dance like her... Dang!



When he sits down he then asked us if we wanted to see her "do her thing"... to which we all replied in the affirmative.. and you can see a bit of what she does below.. So, this last video is just her showing off some of her dance moves.. absolutely incredible!

Motion...

It is no surprise to those who know me to find out I love dancing.. or moving.. or flowing around.. I would dancing in the kitchen when I was younger while I cooked... Sometimes it would lead to burning the food cause I would get distracted haha... Sometimes I would talk to my mom in the kitchen and spin around and purposefully slid on the fake wood flooring the whole time (I have no idea how my parents found my antics amusing!)... I have always been a mover. I am incredibly animated, I use my hands like crazy while I talk.. and I seriously cannot be still while I talk, my entire body acts out what I am trying to communicate. Then, to top it all off, I have spent 19 years training my body to move and flow in slow motion or fast spurts...

So, it is no real surprise that I love dancing... I thoroughly enjoyed the classes I took this weekend (I'll post a couple videos later to show what I learned). But, one of my favorite things that sets dancing apart from the martial arts is the grace and flow of it all, where as the martial arts accentuates my strength and endurance, my capable side; dance accentuates my grace and beauty. I love them both, even though I am not the best or most skilled. I like dance because 1. I feel graceful and beautiful, but it takes skill and hard work to accomplish. 2. It's a solid work out that leaves me exhausted... Plus as a bonus my body gets the chance to work out weird muscles in the process..

After this last weekend of dancing literally all weekend, I feel awesome. very tired, but very excited about the hard work I put in and the fun I had... Not to mention the cool people I met and had the chance to learn from.

Videos to come :)

Bachata Congress...

This is a picture of me dancing with Darlin Garcia at the Resolution Jam 2011... Un-benounced (is that even a word?) to me at the time, he is a world renowned Salsa Dancer.. What I knew then was he is a fantastic dancer, clearly enjoys dancing, and is such a smooth lead that I smiled and spun more dancing with him than I did with anyone else that night. And, he will be one of the instructors at this weekend's 2011 DC Bachata Congress!

To say I am excited would be an understatement.

I have snacks, drinks, band-aids and tape, friends, caffeine, and shoes all prepared for this weekend's dancing extravaganza...

Nothing Serious...

There are days and people that just remind me how much fun life can be..

Even though nothing outwardly changed throughout the majority of my weekend or my day yesterday, there were little things that reminded me of the fact that life is meant to be enjoyed, not ever to be drudgery. Praise the Lord.

Over the weekend I was finally able to NOT travel... Don't get me wrong, I love to travel, but every weekend for a month, plus some week days is a lot... I was in multiple states, on a incredibly high number of airplanes, and I spent more hours in my car than I have logged in a very long time.. I acquired laugh lines (I'm sure), a cough (thank you dry airplanes and sick people), a ton of great memories, a severe lack of sleep, and a whole lot of time to think and pray (which I was really in need of). But, there is also nothing like being able to stay home and do whatever I want or need to for a weekend..

I was able to try a Krav Maga class (not real impressed) and go salsa dancing for the first time in a month (yess!).. I had a chance to lay in our hammock with my roomie and catch up on life over the course of the last month. Talk through thoughts and feelings about various things going on in each of our worlds, and laugh over random things.

I also was informed this weekend throughout the course of a conversation with a couple of friends while out dancing I that, apparently have the very muscular/athletic build, and that is a good and attractive thing. My friend told me that the girl we were all watching dance (and amazed by) reminded him of me, and which was interesting since she looked nothing like me, and was a way better dancer, but he went through the process of explaining that it was the muscular/athletic build... (I maintain that I never know how to respond to the "you look like/remind me of/sound like etc.." comments that I get all the time.) However, it caused a fairly amusing conversation to ensue about the differences between "cute, tiny, and petite" and what I would describe myself as "large, muscular, and athletic." (not in a bad way, but also not in an attractive way) It was interesting to talk about the differences between what guys and girls see as attractive, but my other friend who was there with us is the classic small, pretty mexican girl, and her perspective was that she is average and normal, but that I was more attractive one of the two of us... when my view was that she (who I happen to think is just stunningly beautiful) is the more attractive one.. and then our guy friend who thought we were both crazy haha

Last night I was reminded how much I love certain aspects of my life, mostly because of the people in it... my sister was gchatting with me while I did homework, she just updated me on life, telling me one hilarious story after another about things going on at home, and we just laughed while we talked and shared perspectives.. then, I was able to have dinner with my roomies (4 out of 5 of us is a win with our schedules!) for the first time in a month or more, and we also laughed, made fun of each other (which really was mostly them all harassing me), swapped random stories, talked about things we were wondering or thinking about, and were typical girls for the first time in a very long time. It was really nice to hang out and just laugh...

I appreciate when life is interesting, when I have no idea what to expect or how to anticipate what is coming next.

Saturday Serve...

Today I joined a friend of mine and we joined my church's Second Saturday Serve project opportunity. I have been wanting to do these since I moved here, however in the 6 or so months that I have been here I have only been in town for 1 of those and a friend was in town which caused the scheduling to be conflicting. I showed up a little early with Starbucks in hand, and talked to Matt another NCC attender, but to a different location. Then my friend and others slowly started trickling in.

Eventually they began explaining the service opportunities and the need at each location, along with the number of people needed. I needed to physically do work today, not sure why, but I needed to be productive. So, I volunteered to not only go to one of the more physical locations, but take the lead on it. We went to Christ's House, a place that supplies food to the community at large.. but ALSO supplies a whole slew of other food pantries in and around the city. They move thousands of pounds of food a year. It was really rather amazing. So, we followed Nicole down to the cramped basement with a low ceiling to get the instructions... We packed boxes full of food that will be sent to other food pantries. Each box could be no more than 40lbs, so we packed, weighed, wrote the poundage on each box and stuck a sticker of the organization on each box... All while ducking, bending, and slouching to avoid hitting our heads on heating ducts, water piping, and lights. I am not sure anyone realizes the challenges tall people have when carrying a 40lb box while having to duck or limbo under things. Whew! Afterwards the three of us (packing 30 boxes) headed to lunch to just hang out and chat, laughing and enjoying getting to know new people.

I loved the chance to physically get to show love to people who will never know what I have done. The mothers who feed their children with the food I packed today will never know how sore my back is or the time I spent in a damp basement to help her feed her family. That is awesome to me, I love that.. and it could not have been a more perfect project for me today.

Afterwards I stopped by the store to pick up a whole lot of Ramen Noodles to ship to my friend in Afghan-land.. And could not help but giggle at the store when a lady stopped me saying "I am so sorry.. but I am short, and you are very tall, can you reach up there and grab that for me?" She was so sweet about it, and let's be honest, it took no effort at all...

When I got home I for some reason had energy to spare.. So, I went for a 2 mile run in the misting rain... came home to do homework, laundry, and relax...

Now I'm getting ready to head out dancing (my body is really gonna hate me tomorrow!)...

I am so beyond content today. It amazes me how God works. All it takes is a little time actively getting outside my selfishness and putting some actions behind my words that speak more to my heart than so many other things I could have chosen to spend my time doing today.

Just Dance...

I spent two nights this past weekend going dancing... I wanted to find and experience new places around DC to dance, and decided since it was an extended weekend it was the perfect reason to go! Plus, as always the cardio involved is crazy intense, and so much better then running a few miles.

There is something freeing and energizing about wearing myself out dancing. haha The thing that makes it even odder is that typically I dance with men I do not know. But, I love the fact that there is so much technique involved, and it requires a different tactic and response with each guy I dance with. I love learning new moves, and honing my skills.. Plus it helps that I feel totally beautiful in a new way.

When I do martial arts I feel beautiful, but in a skilled, trained, specific, graceful and powerful way. This is just pure "I am a beautiful girl" kind of feeling. Love it, and love how tired I am afterward.

Martial Arts & Dancing...

Endorphins change things... Or, at least we are told they do. And, I can certainly attest to the fact that when I am more active I feel better, my joints do not hurt as much, my body holds itself together better (part of the disorder thing I have). But, mostly I just enjoy the way my body looks more, I like when my muscles have just that little extra touch of toneness then they do when I am not working out. I find I am more confident in what I wear, and I like the way my body looks in general when I am more active.. Maybe yet another reason I LOVE summer...

So, I have gotten a gym membership again (well a free week pass until my paycheck comes and I can afford the real membership), and I have been invited to audition for a dance group this weekend. I figure I would probably REALLY enjoy the dance group, which is 12 weeks of 2 hour dance classes on Saturdays. PLUS, the gym I am going to has a cardio kickboxing class.. Yahtzee!.. Also, I think it might have a pool as well.. Double Yahtzee! With all of these things working with me, I will be in fantastic shape in no time, and I will be happier in general, partially because I will no longer just be going home to do homework.

I am excited to be tone again.. and to get to punch things.. swim away my stress.. and dance.. which means laughing a LOT. Martial arts and dancing!?.. Yess Please!

Not Ok...

I once heard a saying from Matt Chandler from The Village Church.. He said "It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to stay there." Meaning it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be hurting, broken, weak.. not ok.. But, it is not ok to wallow in it, to live in this state. We are always to be pressing on, pushing forward, learning, growing.. just as long as we are moving.

So, I am not ok. I am weak, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I do not understand, I do not have peace in my heart, and I have no idea what to do.

Yesterday at church I went down front and prayed because I feel very broken, like I am going through these motions simply out of muscle memory because my mind cannot focus on them. A couple of my best girl friends came and prayed with me, and as we were getting up another friend commented on not understanding how I hold it all together so well... Mainly because I was not crying, and she was because one of the big things going on right now she is one of the peripheral people that is getting effected. I just laughed at her and told her, "you're assuming because I'm not crying that I'm holding it all together." Which is exactly how I feel right now.. That while I do not have the emotions to cry, I am not holding it together. I do not know how to fix this thing.

To be completely honest, one of the biggest things going on is I dread going to work now. I honestly feel hung out to dry, and as though it is just a matter of time before either I decide I have had enough and walk away or before someone else decides I am not essential or too much of a pain. Ugh. Work takes up too much of my life for me to dread it, no wonder people who hate their jobs are grumps all the time...

If I was giving full disclosure, I would admit that part of my struggle right now is being... afraid, hesitant, unsure of where God is gonna take me next... As in, I really do not want to move away, even if that is back home. I love it where I live, I love my friends. But, it dawned on me today, I have absolutely LOVED everywhere God has taken me, so if he leads me away.. why would it be any different?.. It wouldn't be.

Lord I will follow you. I will let you lead and just relish the dance you are leading me through. I am uneasy because I don't know the steps, but I trust you to lead me well. I will smile because you are what makes this all worth it and so much fun. Please hold onto me tightly so I don't fall or stumble.

I wanted to put the official video.. but it won't allow embedding.. So, you get the link instead..

How He Loves

I dare you to get this song out of your head... It's almost impossible.

Emotions This is Logic....

So, Here's the thing.. I am always one of those types of people that's strong. I have grown up pretty much my entire life playing the role as the stronger friend... I honestly did not think much of it, just assume it as my role, and I take it on with zeal like I do pretty much everything else in my life. :)

Here's what I know... God is in a constant state of molding me and re-building me.. Totally a potter/clay relationship here... I always can see His hand in things, molding me and changing my heart in various ways in a whole slew of different areas. Sometimes I am ridiculously slow at learning.. and other times it was pointed out that maybe God moves as slow as He does in order to make sure I am getting molded instead of broken... Which was definitely an interesting thought.. that makes sense at the same time.

But, at this particular instance I feel like God and I are dancing.. Blind.. well, no.. I am blind and He's leading fully able to see... Once this concept was pointed out to me, I felt something click inside me. Something inside of me suddenly recognized where I was fighting my Savior and I began to relax and allow myself to be lead. I remembered how unimportant it is for me to see where He's leading me, but that it is so much more important for me to relish in the fact that He IS moving me, and that through it all He is still holding me and guiding me.

I am in constant conflict between my logical side and my emotional side. Whenever I have a severely emotional reaction to something, my logic tends to argue with it in order to figure out where the emotion is legit, and where I am being a retarded girl who needs to check my thoughts. I tend to keep pretty tight constraints on my emotional side in order to ensure that I am not allowing that to rule, or react in an inappropriate or unfair to others way. I really feel as though, even if others CAN handle my emotional tirades, they should not HAVE to handle them... It is something I need to control and be careful of.. not something they have to learn to handle.

I mean do not get me wrong.. I fail on this more often than I would like to admit, but it is seriously something I am working on with intention. Lets be honest, I am one of the most easily excitable people ever.. and I tend to vent at loud volumes, but all that is different than allowing my emotions to control the things I say in that state. I hate watching people react to things I have said because of an out of control emotional response that I did not check with my logical rational side. I hate watching others do that to each other.. and the excuse of "you're a girl, it's ok for you to say out of control hurtful things" .. No, that's NOT an excuse. I know I am more emotional than most guys simply because I am a girl, I am aware that my hormones play a role (what girl is not aware of that?!).. but seriously.. that does not give me a free pass to lash out at people because I "feel like it" .. no no.

It is interesting though, because through all of this I have had several conversations with different people recently talking about this topic, and they have helped me hash out the why's behind all of it. I love hearing their different perspectives and realizing how in certain areas I am still very guarded and wounded because of things people have done or said... Which allows me the chance to see it and grow, allow God to change and heal my heart some more. One friend and I were discussing this, because at the moment it was pertinent information for our conversation. My friend told me a couple times that it is ok to be emotional I am a girl after all.. and my friend insisted they could handle it.. and while I appreciate the incredible thoughtfulness... just because my friends CAN handle it.. does not mean they should ever have to handle it. At one point in our conversation my friend pointed out that it is ok for me to rely on them and be vulnerable and weak...

Instantly, my mind I went through all the reasons why it was not ok for me to be weak and vulnerable.. Which, to be honest kinda caught me off guard. It has been a really long time since I have had a thought like that... Apparently, I am not as far past this trust issue as I thought or hoped, at least in certain areas.. (Dang it.) Because of this, and because I am an external processor I told my friend that I simply do not know HOW to rely on others when it comes to being weak and vulnerable. I am just used to being the stronger friend, the solid one, the loyal one... I am unaccustomed to being the weaker or more vulnerable one.. It is definitely an odd feeling for me. When I am hurt or emotional, my way of coping is to clamp down on my emotions, more so in an effort to make sure I am understanding the reality of the situation, and not just the perceived situation based on my clouded emotional state. Sometimes in certain areas, I think I do alright, but in others, I simply do not do well at all. But, I also pointed out to my friend they they are one person telling me it is ok, and whether they are right or not, I have had others.. potentially hundreds of other people either in action or words contradicting them... I mean, do not get me wrong, I have several friends who are faithful, loyal, trustworthy, and have done more to restore my heart than I can accurately portray in words. God has put particular people in my life to heal and restore various areas of my heart, and I am so unbelievably thankful to God for these friends. But, in any case, it causes me to be even more careful not to be the one hurting them, but helping them heal from whatever hurt they are dealing with. I realize that these other people are fallen as well, hurt, and wounded individuals.. healing and moving past those hurts is no easy feat.. it is a slow and arduous task even once you realize their reaction is based off of hurt and pain of their own, but it is worth it in the end once God has healed and made these things new in my heart.

Powerless...

So, new revelation... I am powerless. haha.. weird one I know. But, it is true. I have no control over anything. I mean think about it.. I am not even the one who makes myself breath... I have literally no control over my life. Powerless. Dang it.

I had a very long.. very late into the night discussion with one of my best friends the other night, and we just talked about how I am doing, feeling, frustrations.. all of which I feel stem from feeling disconnected with God. It was such a great conversation, and my friend is an expert at leading questions that allow me to externally process through whatever is going on.

I explained how "off" things feel... I feel I get frustrated easily, am tired more, and inside at my core.. the way I know my relationship with Jesus to be.. something just feels different.. off.. or something. Not that I do not feel Him, or do not think He's there.. not listening, whatever whatever.. I can still clearly see Him moving and doing things in my life... So, that's not the issue. It is not about a "woe is me I don't feel God," more that something is off.. not normal.. discombobulated..

After a while of rambling on and on.. and feeling like I was not making much sense at all, my friend pointed out that maybe my perspective was wrong. Maybe I was feeling like it was all my fault that things were "off or wrong" when in reality God's just teaching me something right now.. changing the way things work. My friend lovingly pointed out that maybe this is just an example of how little control I have.. and then so lovingly asked.. "How does that make you feel?" ... lol my friend KNEW full well how it made me feel.. I hate the feeling of being powerless. In almost every area of my life, I have the ability to do SOMETHING to change my circumstances.. usually it just means working harder, less sleep, talkig to someone, etc..etc..

But, in this particular instance.. I am powerless. I am sitting here on the floor before my Savior, and I have nothing to give, nothing to offer... I simply.. have to sit. Be here. I can do literally nothing without Him. I. Am. Powerless. Grr...

Then today, I met with a girl who is absolutely wonderful. We have decided to meet once a week.. which originally was gonna be just for an hour.. but really we need a couple hours a week to chat. We have decided to be accountability partners.. pretty much just because our minds and the way we process things are virtually identical.. which is amusing in oh so many ways. But, I was explaining my new "revelation" of being powerless.. and I explained the whole conversation to her. Then we moved on to other topics, and a little while later I was telling her about my latest dance class... and how I literally could not do anything they were trying to teach me with my eyes open. I actually had to close my eyes in order to follow correctly, not anticipate, or allow an instinct to take over. She stops me right away and says..

"That's exactly what's going on with you and God right now... He's trying to lead you and you keep fighting Him, so He's making you close your eyes so you'll follow..."

That's when it all clicked and suddenly I had peace about it all (which is not to be confused with no longer having anxiety).. Just because you do not have anxiety about something does not mean it's a God given peace about something either... They are distinctly different. But, in this instance.. I realize because of what she pointed out that, I am uncertain about how I feel about what God's doing.. but the reality is, I follow better with my eyes closed. The fact that I cannot see what He's doing is to my benefit (obviously), it allows me to focus in a different way, I stop fighting, my instincts stop counteracting what I am trying to do.. and suddenly I am relying on and moving where He is leading me... And thus, things begin to flow..

So.. While I am really powerless... it does not mean I am not moving, it means I am now allowing myself to be moved... *sigh of relief*

Tango this is Control...

So, some friends and I get together on Wednesday evenings to learn to dance.. well some of them pretty much know how to do it all, so they end up teaching the rest of us. So far, we have pretty much stayed in the Latin arena of dance styles, which is perfectly fine with me! Let me break this down for you a bit more...

Salsa is a blast, it's fun and there's lots to do (assuming your partner knows how to do it of course). It includes a lot of spinning and fun twists... which for someone like me ends up just being a blast. The footwork can be a challenge, but quickly feels natural if you have someone there helping you at first. This is easy to follow.. but also easy to anticipate what's coming.. which can be a problem.. :)

Cha Cha is a lot of fun, but I'm not the best at it yet. Pretty much I can do the correct steps, and for the most part though I know it well enough to follow, I don't know it well enough to help someone else.

There are a couple others we have learned too, the Meringue and the Cumbia... Which are simple and fun.. but all have their own little quirks and challenges.

And then there's the Tango... This dance is deceptively hard. It's slower than the rest, and has no set moves or starting place. While all of these dances can be done just holding hands or together in proper form or hold or whatever you call it. The Tango is SO much easier done when you're together and his hand is on your back. So... here are some of the things I'm learning from Tango.. :) Hope you enjoy haha...

To start out, in Tango I cannot do anything unless he moves me. No footwork, no pivots, no shifting of my weight... nothing. He literally has to shift and move me anytime we are supposed to move. When you are watching someone else do it, it looks so graceful and sweet... Not necessarily easy, but it just looks like both people know what's coming and can move as one. When you are doing it yourself, you realize how hard it actually is. As the girl, I have no idea where we are going next at all. No set move is supposed to follow, and almost any of the moves can be done after almost any of the moves...

If I try anticipating, it simply stops working. I stumble, he stumbles over me, our frame is broken because of my essential arguing with what he's trying to do. It's pretty obvious when the girl anticipates and stops letting the guy lead...

But, on the opposite end, if I do my role in the dance, I give him the resistance in the frame he needs to be able to glide us around the floor. I use him as balance, which allows him to shift my weight and move me, and we begin to then move gracefully.

So.. sounds nice enough... easy enough... Right. Thus enter control... Tango allows me no control. Nothing that even resembles control. The only thing I get to do is offer my balance, weight, and resistance in the frame, the rest is just allowing myself to be moved. It is SO HARD. Part of what makes it so hard is the fact that Tango is supposed to be slower, I mean it CAN be faster, but it's a much slower dance than Salsa or Cha Cha. So, with it being slower, anticipating is even more impossible. I have the hardest time just simply allowing myself to be moved... Haha, the parallels here are almost endless... I won't go into them, at least not now.

So, how do I cope? I close my eyes. LOL... Ok so, I don't close my eyes to block anything out, I close my eyes so I can no longer anticipate, and fighting him becomes something I have to do consciously instead of something I do out of habit. I can't look him in the eyes and see what's coming, I simply have to feel and move. Anticipating what could come becomes almost impossible. Waiting is easier because I can't see, and the little signals he gives are suddenly the only signals I can pay attention to because I can't rely on my sight. I think I relax more when my eyes are closed. I end up having to pay less attention to things that are my comfort zone (sight), and more attention to things I take for granted (touch and sound)...

So, I'm learning to Tango... Or, in other words, I'm learning to let go of control and be moved... It's harder than anyone realizes, and I have no idea how hard it is for the guy to lead...

Dancing The Night Away...

So, over the last week or so my friends and I have been out dancing twice.. and by out dancing.. I really mean out once, and staying in once too. Last Friday a few of us decided it would be fun to go to the local dance academy/night club.. haha which really isn't like what it sounds at all.. It's a "dry" night club.. which really isn't a club, but just a dance academy that they opened on Friday night too. We all got there early so they can teach us something about what we're doing.. since we only have one gifted salsa dancing friend. :)

There was a fairly even number of guys and girls so it made it lots of fun cause no one HAD to be the wall flower, and much to my surprise and joy the guys were great about rotating around to all the girls, especially the ones along the side. It's never a fun feeling of having to be the wall flower because everyone else has a partner...

We all had a blast, and you wouldn't believe the work out that comes from dancing! haha! Much more so as the girl who does tons of twirling. Which, lets be honest twirling is what makes it as fun as it is :) Especially when, my friends and I act like goobers while dancing. My friend Doll who is down here visiting and I even though dancing with our partners, at one point decided warring with each other was more fun.. So, regardless of where the guy tried leading us, we were more interested in acting like we were trying to upstage each other! lol :) It was a blast and we laughed hysterically all evening long :)

Then, last night Doll, Brit, and I went over to a couple of our friend's house and got private salsa lessons. We had more girls than guys, but it was ok, we blasted Pandora and had a blast anyway. Trying to manage, learn, demonstrate, and practice in a very small living room with 5 people all trying to do the same thing was comical to say the least... Which of course caused more laughing as we'd bump into each other, the couch, the chair, the ceiling fan lights, the banister, or when we'd realize the next move we were learning would send the girl (us) into the wall... =O Then, which ever girl was not partnered seemed to always sneak away to get watermelon, brownies, oreos, water.. whatever. :) It was a lot of fun learning and laughing at each other trying to learn. At the end of the evening we popped on some youtube videos for assistance, which was also a lot of fun.. Then we got ambitious and thought we could learn the Lindy Hop.. lol yeah.. that's about where our adventure came to a screeching halt :)

But, regardless we had a lot of fun. We laughed and joked around. The guys didn't hurt us or drop us as they attempted new moves (which is always a bonus!). Sometimes I think it's amazing how all you need is just something that's just fun. A reason to laugh until it hurts. Somehow, it restores what needs to be righted, causes joy to return. I'm not sure how, but it does :) I'm such a fan of those moments. If I could freeze and hold onto them, I would because at those times nothing else matters, just the joy and the laughter. I love it.

"Let them praise his name with dancing, making melody to him with tambourine and lyre!" - Psalm 149:3

An Old Familiar Feeling...

So, yesterday was such a rough day... Ironically the best part of my day was work... haha! (Who would've ever thought that!).. ok, not just work, tanning too :)

But, I came to a realization after talking with a friend who gave me some great advice when I gave him the bare bones of my ache...

Sometimes after a while, it's time to let it go and move on.

Which is weird, cause I am not that person.. in fact I fight to the end to hold on to people until it's really just drowning me and the other person involved. And usually it takes several people encouraging me before I will realize how much better it will be for everyone involved if I let their friendship go. But, sometimes it's just time to let it go gracefully. Not forced, but also not a force to stay.. just gracefully let it go and let it drift...

This old feeling of hurt... yeah I'm pretty familiar with it and I'm not a fan either. In my ideal world each friend I make stays.. we don't drift apart or get to a point where communicating is difficult, we simply remain good friends. And, thankfully I HAVE friends like that, I have people who fill that role. But, why can't more be like that? Or better yet, why can't we know ahead of time if someone will or won't be one or the other?.. That would make things a lot easier, and my heart with a lot less patches!

In all honesty though. If I sit here and think about it, I know the answer, I just don't like it. I wish the "friends for a time" thing didn't ever include a heartache when it was over. And, the thing is, I'm not even talking about an intimate relationship.. I just have a tendency to assimilate people into my life, they become a part of my family and I treat them like it. I mean obviously I won't ever stop doing that, I won't ever stop assimilating, it's ingrained in me and it's a part of the way I operate, the way I care and love others, and I am fairly proud to have that be so much part of who I am and my nature...

I'm not a fan of this feeling, and if it could be blotted out I would LOVE that... but, I'm fairly certain this is one of those moments in time where it hurts SO badly, and later you are so thankful it turned out exactly the way it did...

So, while this is the hurts like crazy in the darkness of night, I'll dance knowing the morning sunrise makes it all worth it...