How He Loves...

I. Love. My. Savior.

If you don't know Jesus.. please begin, it is totally worth it I promise.

Last night after I finished my post yesterday about being restless, my restlessness continued.. I talked with my Sunday school teacher's wife for a while after running into her with some friends.. I always really enjoy talking with her.... my voice started strong then began dying as we neared the end of the conversation :)

Then, I went to Campus Church very not interested in being there... ugh.. I was just struggling with my mind going a million different directions and I could not get focused to save my life... When we walked in they were doing Easter Communion... Ugh.. I was just not really ready to do this...

Then my Savior showed up and began talking to my heart... oh how I love Him.

The thing that I find interesting is I have heard pretty much every possible communion story spin ever. I have heard every type of presentation possible.. but every time it still works and speaks to me.

Last night when it all started I was TOTALLY closed off to Jesus. I felt it when I began praying in the time they gave us before we went down to this MASSIVE cross in the middle of the arena (yes it's that big with that many people). I was tense, and I had myself locked up inside... It took me a few minutes of sitting in silence not even able to pray before I realized I had shut myself in whatever this was and I was not allowing myself to relax and listen for Jesus... As I made my way down to the cross, I KNEW God wanted me to kneel even though everyone else was getting their cup and cracker and walking back to their seat.. soo.... heart pounding hard enough for everyone to see, I grabbed my communion and knelt at the foot of the 100 foot cross that the communion stuff was sitting on. As I knelt there, I began to tell Jesus all about my impatience, and how scared I was, and how much I am going to mess everything up... I think that it was the first time I have told Him I am a little scared about things coming. But, not really the things coming, but the fact that I am well known (at least to myself) for screwing things up. Becoming obsessive compulsive about something, freaking out and running away, sabotaging things or pushing people away because I do not know what I am doing. I am afraid that I will mess things up. THAT, is where my restlessness is coming from, I do not want to screw things up...

***Please note, that God is God and I am not.. I realize I cannot "mess up" His plan ultimately.. but that perspective is mundane and mediocre.. I desire to do my best, not rely on knowing He can clean up my messes so it must be ok.

So, I spent most of the service just sorta opening up those thoughts to Him. Allowing Him to sift through them and just let me sit there in silence while He did that. I love those moments with my sweet Jesus, they are among my favorite for sure. Then, I worshipped.. I sang and just cried out in music to Him. It was great. :)

I left, went to Walmart and toodled around getting random food and things I need for the weekend. Got a few welcome text messages that just made me smile, and had a 2 hours conversation with a friend who was needing to just process and talk. I love how Jesus allows me to be that kind of friend for others. I love that He gives me the chance to truly care, AND that people know I am that type of person.

I went to bed WAY too late.. but I am so thankful that is how my evening went.

Oh how He loves me....

Not Ok...

I once heard a saying from Matt Chandler from The Village Church.. He said "It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to stay there." Meaning it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be hurting, broken, weak.. not ok.. But, it is not ok to wallow in it, to live in this state. We are always to be pressing on, pushing forward, learning, growing.. just as long as we are moving.

So, I am not ok. I am weak, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I do not understand, I do not have peace in my heart, and I have no idea what to do.

Yesterday at church I went down front and prayed because I feel very broken, like I am going through these motions simply out of muscle memory because my mind cannot focus on them. A couple of my best girl friends came and prayed with me, and as we were getting up another friend commented on not understanding how I hold it all together so well... Mainly because I was not crying, and she was because one of the big things going on right now she is one of the peripheral people that is getting effected. I just laughed at her and told her, "you're assuming because I'm not crying that I'm holding it all together." Which is exactly how I feel right now.. That while I do not have the emotions to cry, I am not holding it together. I do not know how to fix this thing.

To be completely honest, one of the biggest things going on is I dread going to work now. I honestly feel hung out to dry, and as though it is just a matter of time before either I decide I have had enough and walk away or before someone else decides I am not essential or too much of a pain. Ugh. Work takes up too much of my life for me to dread it, no wonder people who hate their jobs are grumps all the time...

If I was giving full disclosure, I would admit that part of my struggle right now is being... afraid, hesitant, unsure of where God is gonna take me next... As in, I really do not want to move away, even if that is back home. I love it where I live, I love my friends. But, it dawned on me today, I have absolutely LOVED everywhere God has taken me, so if he leads me away.. why would it be any different?.. It wouldn't be.

Lord I will follow you. I will let you lead and just relish the dance you are leading me through. I am uneasy because I don't know the steps, but I trust you to lead me well. I will smile because you are what makes this all worth it and so much fun. Please hold onto me tightly so I don't fall or stumble.

I wanted to put the official video.. but it won't allow embedding.. So, you get the link instead..

How He Loves

I dare you to get this song out of your head... It's almost impossible.