Cricket In the Silence...

Today I feel better, different... I do not really have any explanation, except for my Savior.. because to be honest, physically I FEEL terrible today. I was up insanely late two nights in a row, I have begun rehab on my back, plus I have been running a lot, then all the not stretching enough or drinking as much water as I need... And, as my little icing on top, for someone who hates running with a passion, running a couple miles every night has been a HUGE feat for me!.. Plus, the massive heat-wave we are experiencing means that after dark it has been around 90 with humidity at least! Lung capacity while running has been shot because of breathing in water instead of air.. :/

I bought David Crowder's new cd Church Music and LOVE it.. On my way into work today I was listening to it (for the 20 dozenth time in 3 days), and this song really struck me... it's perfect.. Actually the whole cd feels like it was meant for me at this point in what is going on, but this song is right on for today.

My hands are searching for You 

My arms are outstretched towards You 

I feel You on my fingertips 

My tongue dances behind my lips for You 

This fire rising through my being 

Burning, I'm not used to seeing You 

I'm alive, I'm alive 

I can feel you all around me 

Thickening the air I'm breathing 

Holding on to what I'm feeling 

Savoring this heart that's healing 

My hands float up above me 

And You whisper You love me 

And I begin to fade 

Into our secret place 

The music makes me sway 

The angels singing say we are alone with You 

I am alone and they are too with You 

And so I cry 

The light is white 

And I see You 

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive 

Take my hand, I give it to you 

Now you own me, all I am 

You said You would never leave me 

I believe You, I believe

Somehow, in the chaos that has been my mind, the last couple days have felt overwhelmingly silent. The type where you go from such a loud overwhelming noise to... nothing, and the dramatic and sudden change startles you. My mind has done just that... Silence. The type of change where suddenly, you can hear a cricket's overwhelming chirp in the silence, instead of the normal cadence of the loud noises. My mind has not become silent in the "I suddenly have no thoughts" type way at all, but in a "there is a sudden dramatic shift" type way. The pause before the storm, the held breath just before the race gun goes off, the split second before you dive, the overwhelming pounding of your heartbeat... 

I do not know where, why, or what it means.. but it feels like a sweet and welcome change. I like feeling the silence enough to hear the cricket chirp in my mind.

When Lyrics Speak...

I just really like these two songs right now.. Here are the lyrics that are speaking the most to me...

"You said you'd never leave or foresake me.
When you said, this life is gonna shake me,
you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul.
This I know

When everything falls apart, your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart, you're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on, you keep holding on

When I see, the darkness all around me
When I see, the tragedy has found me
I still believe, your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know." - Everything Falls - Fee

"Deliver me out of the sadness

Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through." - Deliver Me - David Crowder Band

The Pursuit of Perfection...

My friend and I both really like the tag line for the Lexus "The pursuit of perfection" ... we like that it is a journey and never ending push to be perfect.

Last night I was reminded once again I am still in this pursuit.. I am not there... *big sigh* I wish I was a lot further along in my journey than I am.. but, I cannot change where I am except to push forward. I hate when things get pointed out to me that I am less than perfect on.. and it really does not matter what the thing is... or if I have a legitimate reason I am not an expert at it, I still hate that I am not perfect.. a natural.. whatever... But, even more than that I hate when they are right.

Last night I was shown in a gentle, nice, straight to the point way yet another way I do not relinquish control. I do not willingly let someone else lead. In fact, I will assume the lead before I have realized that is what I have done... It comes naturally at this point because of how long it has been necessity in my life... Back to my tango lessons huh?... Learning to follow a lead with my eyes closed trusting I will be safe and not run into anything.. gah!

I realized a few days ago just how frustrated I get at myself.. for anything. I was really frustrated because I could not figure out how to solve the problems of a couple friends and those around me... It is not even my job, and yet here I am... frustrated because I somehow feel I should be able to help more then I do.

And then, epiphany... Maybe that is what God is going through AGAIN with me... Be patient, wait, stop, trying to control will only leave me failing and frustrated... *another big sigh*

I have found myself in several conversations lately where I have been squarely faced with this issue... and I am finding I have more options in my repertoire of responses then I ever thought I had before... I have no idea where these sudden new responses are coming from but I am finding them fascinating (Thank you Jesus). My usual responses in the past have been full of puffed up arrogance or I have been so full of pride that I would never want to admit that the person might be right, so I would justify and try and explain in an attempt to make sure I was not viewed less than perfect still... Now I am finding that mostly I just sit or stand there and listen to what is being said, what I am being accused of, what perceptions are being explained.. and sadly a lot of times they are true.. I hate that I am not perfect. That I cannot flawlessly lead when I need to and gracefully step aside when I am supposed to... It is that gracefully step aside thing that I become a klutz about.

I think I need to seriously reevaluate some of the way I do things currently though... I have no idea what that looks like, but I think it is about to rock my world. I feel numb currently.. not in a bad way, but in the God is about to move inside of me, so he numbs the area that will be focused on beforehand... Or in some cases things get numbed so you cannot control them.. that is what I feel like God is doing. He is numbing me so that He can work effortlessly without me screaming in pain...

"Take my fret, take my fear. All I have, I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams. Be all my delights, be my everything. And It’s just you and me here now. Only you and me here now." - Only You, David Crowder Band

Not Ok...

I once heard a saying from Matt Chandler from The Village Church.. He said "It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to stay there." Meaning it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be hurting, broken, weak.. not ok.. But, it is not ok to wallow in it, to live in this state. We are always to be pressing on, pushing forward, learning, growing.. just as long as we are moving.

So, I am not ok. I am weak, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I do not understand, I do not have peace in my heart, and I have no idea what to do.

Yesterday at church I went down front and prayed because I feel very broken, like I am going through these motions simply out of muscle memory because my mind cannot focus on them. A couple of my best girl friends came and prayed with me, and as we were getting up another friend commented on not understanding how I hold it all together so well... Mainly because I was not crying, and she was because one of the big things going on right now she is one of the peripheral people that is getting effected. I just laughed at her and told her, "you're assuming because I'm not crying that I'm holding it all together." Which is exactly how I feel right now.. That while I do not have the emotions to cry, I am not holding it together. I do not know how to fix this thing.

To be completely honest, one of the biggest things going on is I dread going to work now. I honestly feel hung out to dry, and as though it is just a matter of time before either I decide I have had enough and walk away or before someone else decides I am not essential or too much of a pain. Ugh. Work takes up too much of my life for me to dread it, no wonder people who hate their jobs are grumps all the time...

If I was giving full disclosure, I would admit that part of my struggle right now is being... afraid, hesitant, unsure of where God is gonna take me next... As in, I really do not want to move away, even if that is back home. I love it where I live, I love my friends. But, it dawned on me today, I have absolutely LOVED everywhere God has taken me, so if he leads me away.. why would it be any different?.. It wouldn't be.

Lord I will follow you. I will let you lead and just relish the dance you are leading me through. I am uneasy because I don't know the steps, but I trust you to lead me well. I will smile because you are what makes this all worth it and so much fun. Please hold onto me tightly so I don't fall or stumble.

I wanted to put the official video.. but it won't allow embedding.. So, you get the link instead..

How He Loves

I dare you to get this song out of your head... It's almost impossible.