Sacrificial Love...

It has been a very difficult few weeks. I finally had a normal two days off (woot!)... And then, I literally slept both days away. Friday I took a six hour nap, and then Friday night I went to bed at midnight, and woke up at noon on Saturday... with a 10 minutes break in the middle to take my puppy outside.. I felt SO much better, but was rather annoyed at how much time I had wasted.

However, if the sheer amount of time I spent sleeping is not a perfect indication of the level of exhaustion I was feeling, I am not sure what would be... Except for now, I have not been able to accomplish the things on my to-do list that I needed to. Dang it.

I came into this job knowing that it would be hard. I knew I was called to be here for such a time as this, and I was prepared; or so I thought. I realize that I often have the "I can handle it" type attitude towards most things, I also know that I am not often one to express the heartfelt emotions deep down. I mean, I will tell others how I feel, but I do not often actually allow the intimate close feelings to show... That is really vulnerable. So, for whatever reason I will talk about it without expressing it.

And then, I listened to my dad talking about a moment years ago when he was in the beginning stages of losing it as we learned that his mom (grandma) had died. He explained how he felt, and how things began to crumble... and he glanced sideways and saw 16 year old me as I lost it, and he instantly sealed his feelings and emotions away knowing I needed him. -- He said it took a couple months before the seal broke and he dealt with his own grief. But, I was amazed because I remember those few moments vividly; it has been almost 12 years since then.

Sometimes I think about that morning from time to time without much more than a faint recognition of the scar that once was; and yet somehow, when I was listening to my dad talk about how he felt, and how it impacted him so profoundly, but that I was more important, and that he saw my need of him... I cried. I did not cry due to my own pain from that morning, but because I realized how much, and how many times in my life that I have survived difficult situations because my mom and dad sealed away their feelings to support and love me through my difficult situations over their own.

In a way it makes so much sense how and why I am the way I am about pain and emotions. It helps me understand why in highly emotional situations I rarely fall apart, but it also shows why the pain and suffering of otheres impacts me so deeply... It was how I was raised. Loving others first and before my own pain and troubles is more important no matter what.

What an amazing expression of love that is neither deserved nor expected, and yet cherished more deeply than words can adequately express.

My parents are amazing people that I do not deserve, but am so thankful for.

What an intensely clear and perfect reminder as to why I am doing what I am doing, and why sleeping away two days in order to restore myself so that I can move forward to loves others for Christ is worth every minute.

CT Shooting...

There are so many things I could say about the awful shooting in CT... There are so many things I wish I could say... There are so many people I wish I could hug... But, really there is nothing I can say or do that would make it ok again, no words I can offer, no amount of hugs will take away the pain. I keep thinking about those parents, those children, all of the final moments, the thoughts and emotions that went through those small little bodies. The memories that will never go away.. My heart is totally broken for these families.

In the midst of all of it, I wish I had the chance to tell them about Jesus, about receiving comfort from the only one who can give true comfort. I wish I knew why bad things happen like this, I wish I could explain with elegance why this doesn't make sense, but that it will one day.. All I know is that Jesus is the only thing that will make this ok again.

This song is Flags by one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser. This song is a beautiful description of how I feel about this tragedy, it speaks to the hurting and the mourning and the Truth of what is to come.

To all of the parents, brothers, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends of those that are affected by the CT shooting, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am praying for you all, and know that Jesus, the only one who can and will make this right one day loves you more than you understand and is beckoning you to come to Him, to share your grief, and to allow Him to heal your hearts.

Connecting Again...

I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.

I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..

What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.

There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.

Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.

I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.

Growing...

The last couple years has been a serious growing stage. I feel as though there is no breaking... and no real hint at an end. However, I have been thinking lately about all the ways I have been growing. I certainly feel much more established and comfortable with who I am and who I am not.

However, having said that, I do not think I have ever "made" it.. There always feels like more to learn, and things I need to get better at. I have no idea what the message and lessons are right now, but I am hoping to get more clarity soon.

I definitely am feeling a stirring inside of me, it is still faint and I have no clear picture as to what it is..

I am reading The Scent of Water by my new sweet friend Naomi Zacharias. She is a sweet joyful woman, that clearly has been through some rough things in her life, not just in her own walk, but due to willingly and purposefully stepping into the lives of others to help them shoulder their burdens.

Reading her book is becoming a neat way for me to almost sit in and dwell on the pain and grief. In this case it is very unique because I am reading her stories of traveling with Wellspring International, and how these stories and situations have impacted her. It has been unique partly because I typically do not read these types of books, but also because in this case I am taking time to allow the feelings and thoughts to sit on my heart and speak to me. At one point in the book she is talking about how sometimes the circumstances going on in your life just make you feel like God has forgotten you, when in reality, He is really the only one who has not... As I read that portion, I felt a welcome and familiar pang of emotion deep down reminding me of the truth that no matter my situation, frustration, irritation, stress level, annoyance, exasperation.. or just straight up pain and grief over things going on in my life, God has not left me to wander alone. It is proving interesting and a good chance of pace in my heart.

A Note to Those Christians...

It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most rude, condescending, judgmental, and hypocritical people are also the ones who claim to be christians. This week for some reason I have either come up against those kind of christians or I have listened to other Christians express hurt or frustration from an unpleasant encounter. So, here are a few remarks I have said or would like to say to the christians that exhibit a large amount of gracelessness and mercilessness.

First and foremost, we have been given this incredible gift of grace and mercy. One which we did NOT earn, we did not ask for, and we most certainly did not pay for. The only appropriate response is to turn around and do the same to those around us.. Giving them a glimpse of what we are completely aware of.

Second, your sins and my sins have been FORGIVEN. Which means stop freaking bringing up things from the past and running your mouth about what someone should or should not have done in any given situation. There is a distinct difference between calling someone out for actions for which they need to be called out for (mind you, just because you SEE something does not mean God has bestowed the task of taking care of it... Holy Spirit will let you know..) and berating someone or making it clear you look down on them (as though you are above them) for a mistake they have made in the past...

Which brings me to a subset.. If someone has a mistake/sin from their past, and you are merely aware of it.. you have no rights to claim emotions or feelings towards their mistake. You were not a part of it, nor was it intended towards you. That sin is between them, whoever was involved, and God.. Butt out... (I do recognize that sometimes past sins can cause pain to someone not involved.. that is something that needs to be taken to the Lord, not used against the person.)

Thirdly, please remember one crucial thing. God is God, you are not. He does not need you to fix things for Him, He is perfectly capable on His own... And, please learn the difference between your own feelings and emotions and "feeling something in the Spirit." It would make everyone's (even your) life so much better. You are not the morals police.

Cuatro, just because you feel strongly about something, does not mean everyone else should.. There is a reason we are referred to as "a body" we each have our roles, soap boxes, and fights.. But that does not mean you should make yours someone else's.. such as piercings, tattoos, owning a home, investing etc.. While all of those things could be right or wrong depending on the person and the situation, you are not tasked with making sure everyone around you believes the same way or feels beat upon for thinking something different..

Now, on to some things I honestly believe we should all practice.. Love. Do not mistake my "love' to mean the cute hearts and rainbows kind. The false love that never says no.. I am talking about genuine heartfelt "I care about you too much to let you fall" kinda love.. The love that would cause you to die for someone. It is commonly understood that the more something is mentioned in the Bible the more important it is. The word Love (in one of several versions agape, phileos, aros, etc..) is mentioned more than 900 times in the Bible (I dare you to find a page in the bible without at least one "love" in it.), meaning this is a crucially important topic to understand. Just because you have the right to say something, does not mean God gave you the green light on His behalf. Choose your words carefully, and make sure your heart is approaching it with their best in mind.

Lastly, stop pretending like you are doing God a favor, He's already paid for your sins and theirs. Live your life so that it gives glory to God, and to speak words that show you are worthy of the call of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Sometimes...

Life is just hard. There is no explanation, not rhyme or reason, and nothing seems to make it better. Life is painful and full of sorrow.

Recently I have been exposed to some incredibly painful situations that do not actually involve me at all, but involve those that I love dearly. I have been faced with these incredible women who are full of life, energy, laughter, and care.. and in almost no time at all they have been torn down, demolished, and broken into these dripping with pain girls... And, to be totally honest, it was men who should have done nothing but protect and love them. How much it just tears at my heart to watch life be so cruel.. I. Hate. Satan. And, I mean that.. to watch how he deceives men into destroying women. Both being incredible and wonderful creations of God... I hate how easy it is for men to tear us down, to abuse us, and destroy and wield power over us they were never intended to have.

My heart hurts for these women in my life. Every time I remember them the pain comes and it almost takes my breath away it hurts so bad... and that's my ever present reminder to pray for them... I was informed by one of my friends that I have "potent" prayers... So, by golly I'll pray til I am blue and my knees are torn up!.. which really means my 3x5 bathroom mirror card is getting filled quickly at this point. *sigh*

My God is ever faithful. He does in fact make things better. He is ready to save, and He will... Just ask Him to sweep you away... Please pray for my friends... Please.

Does He See...

I have been thinking a lot about where things are in my life, where I have come from, what I have come through, and all of the same thoughts for my friend's lives as well.

There are certain markers in my life that make it easy to pause and take a look back. For example, today is a really good friend's birthday... One year ago today we met, and instantly we became friends. Neither of us expected much out of the friendship, and neither of us expected to become as good of friends as we are especially since most of our relationship revolves around fun banter, random conversations, and doing a whole lot of nothing together... But, sprinkled in there are lots of absolutely fantastic conversations, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer. So, today is an easy day to look back and be amazed at what God has done... The path we have all taken, and the ways things have changed that I just would never have guessed a year ago. So, before I continue with that thought, I just wanna say.. Happy 23rd birthday my dear friend. You are more amazing than you realize, and God has some pretty spectacular things in-store in your life; if the last year is any indication! I love you bunches, and I pray for you pretty much every day... You're even on my 3x5 bathroom card (whoa big deal!;).

However, looking at the last year I can very easily remember a lot of pain... Not because of my friend haha... but just in general. A lot of stress, a lot of strained relationships, a lot of unsolvable problems, a lot of doctors visits, more broken relationships, and a whole heck of a lot of mishaps that should have been avoided... a lot of pain, that is what I remember from the last year.

Ironically, just before summer 2009 came to a close I had a conversation with a woman asking how I "really was" and I told her this: "I am honestly doing really well... Life is great! But, I just have this feeling that something bad is coming.. that maybe life has been soo great for so long that it is about time for some crap in my life..." haha I had no idea what I was saying, nor what that crap would include.. but MAN was I right.

If you have been following my blog for any length of time or if you have scanned back through the last few months, it is no secret that only recently have I found contentment once again. July of this year ushered in a very welcome period of peace knowing that God is in fact in charge, and I can trust Him. He not only created all things, He created me, and has every intention of taking care of me... Whew!... Then I lost my job. haha! Things came in the perfect order, and I was totally at peace with the information that in a few months I would be laid off. I was so much at peace with it in fact that when I found out my response was ".. Ok... God'll take care of me... Now about this..." and I was just ready to move on, it was no massive blow to my life, and I was not worried...

This entire year every month brought new crap into my life, new tasks that had to be managed and new feelings that had to be controlled. I was faced with one awful thing after another, and no redeeming anything to balance out the emotional roller-coaster I was feeling.. It was just all bad. Never once did I doubt God's presence in my life, and never once did I curse God.. I saw Him moving AND answering my prayers in other people's lives... the number of prayers that got crossed off my 3x5 cards was just inspiring!.... I knew my God, I knew He loved and created not but me but everything around me...

But, come June I had just reached the end of what I could handle. I was about to fall and I knew it, and finally I had reached a place where in my prayers I would pray for all the needs of those around me.. and then I would sorta just sit broken and ask... "God, do you see me?... Do you see what I am going through?.. Do you realize how close to the edge I am?.. Do you see and feel this hurt inside of me?.. Do you know that I am too weak to continue?.. I have no fight left..... I. Need. You... Do you see?" Those were my prayers in June. In July God responded with "Daughter, I see you. I am here, and I am going before you, and coming behind you. Trust me, rely on me, and let ME hold you. I. See. You." He restored my heart, He healed my brokenness, and He calmed my mind. He saw me and made that clear.

I do not know how He does it, but He guarded my heart when I had no idea how. He protects me from myself even now, and He has made it clear that I am not to worry about tomorrow. So, I don't. My current circumstances make no sense, and definitely point to hurt, frustration, and anxiety... and yet I feel nothing but peace and contentment. I am safe, I am loved, and I will be ok. That is all I need to know because my God sees me. He knows exactly what I am going through because He has not removed Himself from my situation to watch from afar.

Does He see me? Does He know what I am going through?.... Yes.

When God Speaks...

2 years ago I got an email from a man from a place I had never heard of in a little town several states away. The email stated that he had found my resume online, and was very impressed and felt I would be perfect for a job he had, and he would like me to officially submit my resume. After reading the name of the organization, I promptly told him thanks but no thanks, I was a little unsure of the organization and was not really interested. He proceeded to send me more information and asked me to reconsider. I did, and decided I would give it a whirl, so I officially submitted my resume. A couple days later, I had a phone interview that went well, and he told me he wanted to fly me down for a face to face interview, I agreed. My job at the time ended 3 days later, and I packed my car to drive home from a summer working as a boat driver at a summer camp. I was home for the weekend, flew out and back in two days to find a job offer before I even reached home. I packed everything I owned into my car and made a 12 hour car ride down to Virginia with my best friend. 

I arrived in a city where I knew no one, had no GPS, a cell phone that didn't work outside the city.. no place to live, a shotty car, and an hour commute to work.

Slowly, God began filling in the massive blanks in my life. I found a mega church, a sunday school class, a small group, and a girl who would quickly become one of my best and most loyal friends. I got a new cell phone, a new car, found a roomie, and slowly began adjusting to the southern style of living. The entire time saying, I would only be at my job two years. Everyone acknowledged my timeframe with a smile and a nod and a "we will see.." But, I somehow knew God had told me two years.

3 months later in December we faced several job cuts, and somehow my job was not cut... but, I was informed I would be given 2 years to prove myself and see what I could do... I filed the timeframe away in the back of my mind.

During this same time period I had an extremely vivid dream, and really the main thing that stood out to me was "July of '10" ... So, once again I filed it away, and told a few people that something was going to happen in July of '10, I did not know what, but something, they smiled, nodded and said "we will see..."

Little by little, I built my life in this new city, and I loved it. I found amazing friends, trips to Africa, the beach, the mountains, DC, traveled all over the place, and saw God and felt God in totally new ways. I moved 4 times, met lots of people that I was blown away by for so many reasons, learned to dance, hiked mountains, and dealt with more visceral pain then I ever had before.

In January of '10 my world began to change one consistent step at a time, things at work changed dramatically, things at home began to become stressed, friends moved away, I began having lots of health problems, I met a boy and began to like really him only to later have God tell me to be obedient and walk away, I moved, traveled more then I probably should have, watched lots of friends get engaged, married, find out they were having a baby, and have babies. I had car problems, more medical problems, family problems at home, and the simple distance made it impossible to help, more job stresses... and then, almost suddenly it was July of '10.

Nothing.

4th of July, I went to Atlanta to visit my best friend from home who I had not seen in more than 8 months. I was totally broken, in the physical, mental, and emotional sense of the word broken. I was in pain.. I was trying mostly just to function. I was just hurting and trying to understand what was going on, and I had no way of communicating to anyone how I was feeling, cause I did not know. She and her new fiance spent the weekend making me laugh, loving on me, and reminding me of who I am, and why I am precious. I went home with a renewed sense of peace in my life which began to grow and consume me from the inside. I spent lots of time just being still. Listening to water lap on a dock, crickets, the nothingness that passes you when you drive with the windows down, and lots of music. I read a lot, traveled more, and dealt with the physical, mental, and emotional pain that I had yet to escape. I went home for a quick weekend and was hugged more in one weekend then I had been all summer.

The end of July of '10 came, and I saw it off by keeping track of 5 high school boys at the beach. They were mine along with 25 other kids of mine, and man do I really truly love my kids; they are precious and wonderfully made... However, after a week at the beach with my kids, I was very tired, but I cherished every moment of it. I had many great conversations, and spent the week so completely focused on them and their needs that I had no option but to forget my own pain, forget the hurt I had been given, and allow everything to just detox. I came home renewed, yet exhausted. At this point, I was working on 3 weeks straight without a day off, but also knowing that August of '10 would begin with me being truly happy for the first time all year.

Slowly, little by little I began to realize that I am ok. I knew all along God had a plan, but man was it painful. I realized that in July of '10 I found God faithful. God answered my prayers and He never left me, I never grew bitter, and in the end I realized I was ok, God was still God, and I was still His hurting daughter who desperately needed Him to save me, and He did. I became secure again, life continued.

Near the end of August I had several nights of terrible nights sleep. One particular evening, I spent the entire night having a dream about a meeting that would take place the next day, only the topic in my dream had nothing to do with the topic of the actual meeting... but, just the same I spent the whole dream angry and pissed off and yelling. So much so, that I woke up tense and sore all over, completely exhausted from the nights sleep. I went to work determined to have a good attitude and a good approach towards the meeting. During the meeting we discussed normal business, and then, as if I was in my own movie where the viewer could spot the oncoming plot, I was informed that I was going to be "let go" by the end of the year. The remainder of the conversation was pretty typical... and I explained that I was fine, God would take care of me and I was not worried. This is, and has always been His deal... He'll figure it out, and let me know the plan.

August of '10 I celebrated 2 years from when everything started.... This week I found out my time here at my job is coming to and end. Next week is 2 years. 

God does speak.

Never Forget...

I have had such a great weekend so far... It has included dancing, lots and lots of laughter, turning around a dozen times in DC while making only a 20 minute drive, good food, wonderful friends, and again more laughter. I simply cannot thank God enough for the things He has given me that I know I do not deserve. However, in the midst of all the genuine goodness, several very good and pointed conversations reminded me how much pain I am surrounded by every day...

To start, my roomie is hurting because of a situation she cannot change, she is grieving and hurting for those around her. I love her heart, and wish I could make it better... take away the pain.. offer some sort of comforting words of wisdom, but instead I cannot change the situation anymore then she can... These are the moments we learn the most, and these are the times when we realize how much we need our personal relationship with our Savior every single day. These moments sear into our hearts how fragile people are, and how important it is to live out exactly what we are told to by God... Love Him, Love others.

Sometimes life is just hard... for no reason at all. I hate Satan.

I got to talk to a really good friend from the couple of years I worked at camp this weekend, we tend to talk every so often, usually just catching each other up and literally hearing what God is doing or the things we are facing in our lives. There are so many times that once I get off the phone I am just blown away by how much God speaks to me through this friend. The no crap truth that they speak, the fact that they hear what I say, and then ask what I am truly thinking or feeling... and then they turn right around and are just as open and honest, and allow me to be the same type of friend for them... I truly treasure this friend, more then I think they have any idea of.

Tonight, I was talking with two of my best friends here, and I was so quickly reminded how much my heart breaks for certain people... No, actually my heart pretty much breaks for everyone at one point or another, sometimes it comes and goes, and other times it feels suffocating. Tonight, I was reminded how lost some people are... My heart literally hurts. Ever since going to Ghana in November of '08, there are just certain types of pain and hurt that when I am made aware of it in someone else's life, my heart physically hurts... Tonight is one of those nights. I can do absolutely nothing to fix the problem, and as much as I want to, I cannot force someone to see the error of their ways or how they are perpetuating the problem. The basic problem is, they just simply cannot understand certain facts about our God that I so ignorantly take for granted every single day. Sometimes, I just wish I could shake the people and yell at them "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW EASY THIS COULD BE?!"... And then, my Lord quietly reminds me that, it is not my job, nor my place to fix them... it is His, and He is in fact perfectly capable of taking care of things... and yes, His heart breaks for them too.

Tonight I caught myself thinking "I hate how much I care..." and then I instantly was reminded (in my own mind of course) "... You prayed for this..." and my only rebuttal was stupid and like a little child "yeah, but I just didn't think it would hurt this much..."

I am double minded sometimes, and I know that fact about myself. I want to spend every day loving those around me, making them feel important and cared for... That task manifests itself differently depending on who it is I am engaging with, but the purpose and heart behind my goal is the same. Then I will turn right around and get so frustrated because I do not want to hurt or feel the pain I feel when I watch those around me hurt... or even when I hear a story of someone else's pain. I am reminded almost daily of the fact that I am SO thankful I am not God and do not know it all.. or have the responsibility to fix it all... even when I want to.

Tonight I realized, I am never going to be able to forget this pain and ache I feel when I watch those around me deal with pain... regardless of the cause, it is real to them, and I cannot fix it. My heart hurts so much it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes... and that drives me to do the only thing I know for sure... Prayer.

New...

For the first time in more than 8 months I finally feel normal. Not because of a drug, alcohol, a boy, or anything tangible... I just feel like myself again. Laughing comes easily once more, and energy is not something I merely remember having a lot of.

My schedule is about to explode again (which I love), all my best friends are back to work (they are all teachers), and several of them are either taking college classes or teaching college classes, and then there is my wonderful roomie who works at night... My classes start on the 2nd, and then of course there's all the normal trying to fit time in for people, which I feel like will be doing a lot of inviting people over to hang out or to join me somewhere with wifi...

My roomie has finally returned to me for good, no more galavanting around the country... After this last stint I told her she is never allowed to leave me for that long again (almost a month!). I love having her home... even if we just sit on opposite ends of the awesome couch she bought with our dog between us and watch a movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon... I love it... We laugh a lot, and have more inside jokes then I can count.. we recite one liners from movies constantly, and we purposefully seek to do things for one another all the time. She has no idea how much living with her makes me feel like I belong, like I have a place that is my home, and that my mood at home does not effect how much she loves me and will try to take care of me.. She's wonderful, and I am not really looking forward to her disappearance in the evenings due to work... so we have decided on a plan of dinners at her work, and probably more than my fair share of sitting at her games (probably doing homework) just so I can be around and see her more than Sunday mornings haha

Even though the start of a new school year means THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of college students who do not know how to drive once again are taking up space on the roads and parking lots.. I really do look forward to the new school year each fall, because for whatever reason I seem to work off a fiscal year better than a calendar year haha! I am looking forward to the bonfires, dinners, sweatshirts, and the mass amounts of laughter from the ridiculousness that is my wonderful friends and their antics and one liners :)

I love that from this point in my life I can look both backwards and forwards and see God moving, I can see His hand in every aspect of my life, holding me when I was too broken to keep going, cheering when I made the right choice, I can feel His arms around me as I was hurt and cried more times then I can ever remember crying before, and I can feel His encouragement when I was so frustrated at Him that I had to choose things I knew were right instead of what I wanted. I can see how patient my Lord was when I was angry and let Him know exactly how I was feeling. But, more than any of it... I can see His faithfulness.. Even through all the suck that was this year, I can see how much stronger I am, how much more I have written Him into the fibers of my heart, and I can see all the people He placed around me to care for me... the moments when I did not even know I needed something suddenly I had exactly what I needed to keep going. Even when I was being a brat and really did not deserve it my sweet Savior was there taking care of me unconditionally. I have been through a lot this year, but never once have I felt like God left me hanging to dry, I felt Him with me every step, even when I was so angry at Him and this plan that seemed to contain nothing but one crappy thing after another... He was still there.. ever faithful.

I would do every bit of it again knowing the painful outcome, and the work it would take to come out hopefully being found faithful on the other side.... Only to know that the hard times will come again at some point.

Tonight was the first night in a really long time that I just felt normal.. like laughing just came naturally, that I was surrounded by people who love me, and that I will be ok, and in fact things will be awesome because I am not controlling my future!

Healing and Sunshine...

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, my whole body felt achey and my stomach felt like any sudden movement would cause me to lose it. I sat on my bed and tried to will the illness away, and tried reasoning with myself that 8 1/2 hours of sleep should have cured whatever I had... I got up and tried to begin getting ready for work, only to stop every couple steps willing my stomach to stay put. So, I emailed my boss and explained I was not feeling well and would be in tomorrow.. and promptly went back to sleep for another 6 or so hours.... which brings my total to roughly 14 1/2 hours of sleep last night! Whoa...

So, other than that I am doing really great.. I spent the last week with 30 or so teens and 15 or so adults at the beach. I love the beach or rather anything with water. I spent a week totally focusing outward, I did a lot of observing, and mental checks. I love my kids, all of them.. Some stay on the obnoxious side, others fluctuate, and some stay on the reasonable and enjoyable side... I had lots of fantastic conversation with them about relationships, tattoos, boys, girls, God, the Bible, their families and histories. I took a sheet for the beach instead of a towel, and was never without a child sitting next to me talking, I loved it. My respect for several of my coworkers grew exponentially because of their reactions, and all the little ways they held their composure when really we all wanted to just scream.. I loved every bit of it, even if I did return insanely tired.

I was thinking the other day, how absolutely amazing my Lord is. He took an insanely hectic week full of drama and sunshine to finally let the pain and hurt I have been through the last 7 months bleed out. I do not know how he did it, but somehow the residual effects of my old living situation, my work stresses, boy trouble, friends leaving, home issues, car problems, friend frustrations, health issues, and a slew of other pains all became ok again. Somewhere in there I became ok with what I have gone through, and I know it will at some point in the future be made perfectly clear why it all happened the way it did. It is not like everything is suddenly all better, like a snap of a finger or flash of light.. but rather a total peace with the fact that my life has been especially hard as of late, and I have had to deal with, learn, and persevere through a lot of heartache and pain. I have said all along I would do it all over again because I have learned SO much about who my Lord is, who I am, and how to talk to God when all I really want to do is freak out and run away.

All I keep coming back to is I am ok. Life is slowing down and picking up at the same time. I do not have as many things crammed in as possible anymore... but, at the same time I am keeping the perfect balance of busy. I love summer, but I am content to see it coming to a close, and see fall come. Not that I have any specific plans for the fall, but I am ok for this "season" to come to a close.

I have decided or maybe been forced to realize a few things about myself...
1. I am worthy to be pursued, and until the time that a guy decides that he will pursue and fight for me regardless, I will remain an untouchable. I am too stubborn and loyal to have to deal with crap for crap sake when the guy cannot decide what he wants.
2. Choosing obedience over loyalty is one of the hardest things ever to do.
3. I would willingly go through anything again to learn how to talk to the Creator.
4. I can do more when I stop trying to do it all.
5. Laughter is healing, and when you do not have any it slowly kills you on the inside.
6. I, whether good or bad always seem to choose strength instead of relying on others.
7. Sometimes I pull away because I want to see who insists on being there... And, I am SO thankful for the few that insist on being there.
8. I am endlessly complicated and intricate thanks mostly to my Savior.
9. I am stronger than I realize mostly due to the never ending love and support of God and all the people He has placed in my life.
10. I have learned/am learning that the only thing I need to know is that God has a plan, and I need to choose to be content in that alone.

Love Hurts..

"Love stinks" .. Everyone knows the song that goes with that saying, but, recently I have found that I have a serious fundamental disagreement with that statement. Love does not stink, but man it sure can cause a lot of pain. I do not know if you have ever experienced the simple fact that love just hurts. Not necessarily because whoever the person is has hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, but mostly just because life is hard and we make mistakes, and somewhere along the line of life, you realize how love is hard and painful... And, when I say "you" I really mean "me" just so you know ;)

I have been talking to several different people recently, all having different topics of discussion, several having problems, and others just needing to talk. All requiring my time and energy, and in all of the discussions I was completely powerless to actually change anything about their circumstances. I mean I gave all I have to them, which really was only a listening ear, humorous comments, serious comments, but mostly, I just gave them my time. I walked away from each situation and prayed for them, asking God to show up, to make Himself known in their lives, to soak into every corner of their lives so heavily that they begin to feel like they are breathing Him in.

After one of these encounters I realized love just hurts. Love brings pain, heartache, trouble, and pretty much every other negative thing with it.... Yet, why in the world would I expect anything else? I mean, my God died for me... Because He LOVES me. How can I expect anything less than pain when I am trying to love those around me?

Love is not this fun little emotion, twitterpation, infatuation, blindness... Love is calculated, hard work, and never ending. But, I realized the other day after a certain conversation, I cannot love those around me without allowing them the chance to love me in return, no one can, it does not work that way. Love is 100% an outward flowing thing, and when you encounter someone who wants to 100% love you in return, whether it be a friend, family or romantic interest, that is when the we are at our greatest and Christ is glorified. Because, if I am spending every ounce of energy I have to love those around me, I never have to take a second thought to worry about myself or be selfish, because someone else has spent their time making sure I am loved and taken care of. In fact, I have found that a lot of my aggravation with people recently stems from the fact that there is a breakdown somewhere in the way love is supposed to look.. Haha.. how cheesy does that sound?.. But, it is totally true.

One simple example.. My roomie and I have a fantastic relationship. I LOVE living with her (besides everything else, she makes me laugh ALL the time!), and I can honestly say I am pretty sure there is not a single day that goes by that one of us does not do something totally selfless for the other one just to show we care. She'll make me coffee or get it set up the night before for me in the morning, I'll do the dishes or schedule time for a roommate date, she'll transfer my clothes to the dryer then fold them and put them on my bed, I'll make a special trip home to feed the dog... Every single day at least once I think "I really love living with her."

On a totally different side of the spectrum, I realized not long ago that we are made to need love. We have a "God shaped hole" that if you do not know Jesus, He can and will fix that seemingly bottomless hole inside. But, we are made to need each other, guys, girls. family, friends, romantic relationships.. We NEED community, which includes a wide variety of roles that need filling. Some of the most broken people I have ever known, are people who do not have (or do not seek out) these places to be filled with people who actually love them without any strings attached, and then in return they do not love anyone in their life without a benefit to themselves. Words simply cannot express how much my heart hurts for these friends of mine. How much I wish my love for them could be enough, and since I am a girl, I can always fool myself for a while into thinking I can be enough, love them enough, work hard enough. I can fool myself into believing that my love will help the "see the light" and it will make a difference. Somehow, I am certain for a time that I can DO enough to heal them and solve the issues in their lives. And then, my Savior quietly reminds me that it is not my job... He can do it just fine on His own thank you.

Please understand, I do not view the broken and hurting people in my life as charity cases... There would simply be too many, since every single person I know is broken and hurting in some way. These people are not put on a to-do checklist every day, they are people that I want to genuinely get to know and love. I want them to know they are important, wonderful, and cherished... They are not forgotten, alone, lost, or looked over, and their pain is real. I want the people I encounter to know that they are seen, their pain is not stupid, and there IS hope.... However, I ALWAYS come back to knowing that it is my job to love them (whatever that looks like), and Jesus' job to save and restore them.

Love will always hurt. But, loving those around me is THE most important thing I can ever do. I hate that I forget that so much, but, I am also broken and hurting, and I am keenly aware of how desperately I need Jesus every single day.

Trusting the Larger Story...

I went down to Atlanta last weekend to visit my best friend from home (who has obviously now relocated). We have not been able to see each other since before Thanksgiving, and while we talk multiple times a week (via text, phone conversation or video chat), it is never the same as sitting next to each other talking about whatever happens to pop into our heads as a good topic to discuss... And then seeing each other's reaction.

My friend has such a wonderful perspective on life, and we always joke about feeling cooler, prettier, funnier, and just overall more confident when we are together.. "with our powers combined..." ;)

Anyway, we joked all weekend about the fact that we have totally reversed roles.. Last year she drove 12 hours to come see and spend a week with me while she had back problems, family issues, work stresses, various frustrations, and struggles of seeing God's plan.. We spent that week laughing and doing random things (like having a peanutbutter, whipped topping, and oreo cookie fight in my livingroom), and mostly just loved being together and hanging out.. We talked and laughed a LOT that week.

This year, I am the one who drove 7 hours (with traffic.. and it definitely was NOT 12..haha), I also have back problems, work stresses, and various other frustrations, and struggling to see God's plan. This year we spent the weekend laughing, doing random things (like convincing me I actually am thinner than I think and can fit into a smaller size jeans then I have since I was 13!!), and once again we mostly just loved being together and hanging out.. and of course talked and laughed a LOT. This time around we included her fiance!

One of the conversations we had, she mentioned that even though she went through a rough year and things were incredibly difficult... And, even though I felt helpless to change anything, she commented on the fact that she needed to go through those things so she could learn how to trust God. Trust God in a very large way, in a small way, but mostly trust that he is good. That our Lord loves her and that even though she did not really understand what was going on or why, she had to learn to be content in her trust of Him.

Not a big conversation, nothing I have not heard before, and certainly not something I have not thought about recently... But, then I got a forwarded email from my uncle that receives the Ransomed Heart ministry daily devotionals... And, one particular one's title was "The Questions Lodged Deep in our Hearts" It pointed out that while we "know" God means good for us, we begin to struggle when life over and over seems to have failed us, and that slowly we begin building questions deep down inside without realizing it.. Questions like "Why did you allow things to happen like this?" "Why did you make me like this?" "What will you allow to happen next?" ... "Do you REALLY care for me, God?"

At first I read that and I thought "hmm.. that's odd..." and then it was like something clicked inside of my heart.. head.. somewhere. I trust and have faith in my God.. but I still often act like deep down I am so wounded that I will just approach the future as though I have no option but to "suck it up" "get over it" ... instead of with a peace and grace that can only come if I truly, honestly, and passionately seek my Savior.. And, then allow him to move me forward, while also moving IN me, and then asking and accepting the constant renewal of the Krista I am supposed to be. Not in the totally controlled and manipulated way, but in a rolling with the waves and finding joy in them.

I love my Savior with more words and with more passion and feelings then I can really express. But, I realized this week I am wounded and expecting life to move on with or without me.. So, my only option is to suck it up and accept it, and continue marching onward right?.. No, that attitude leaves no room for peace and grace to overcome me, nor does it leave room for joy to find its way back into every facet of my life.

I realize things have been awful in my life over the last while, but I also know that I really honestly DO trust the larger story that I am a part of. I know without any doubts that in the end, it will all be worth everything, and I know I would gladly do it all over again. So, while the pain is now.. the joy is coming, and the larger story is really an incredible adventure that I get the chance to go through and experience.

Silent...

I have been silent for a while.. Not in terms of actual silence because regardless of how you are feeling, life goes on.. work goes on, friends and family require time.. But, there is still a difference when inside you feel silent.

Inside I am silent. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.

I have this, ever present picture of my relationship with my Savior being a journey through a rainforest or similar type woods. Sometimes it is night, sometimes it is daytime, sometimes I can see my path perfectly, and other times, I wish desperately I had a machete to chop away what is blocking my view, and sometimes it is a fun (or not so much) combination of all of these. Everything I feel or experience (especially with my Lord) gets put into the context of this forest. So, in my descriptions, a lot of times I cannot explain what I am feeling.. and the only thing I can do is describe a word picture I have in my head (thanks Dad.. I totally get this from you...).

So, the current word picture... If you have ever spent any amount of time in the woods or a forest or any sort, you realize the louder you are the less you hear of the things going on around you... The brighter the daytime, or the brighter the light you carry, and the less you see of the life and the world going on around you. I have spent so many months being so loud... Physically and mentally. I have talked, moved, thought, wrote, shouted, ran, drove.. I did everything possible. The only time I stopped was when I felt forced to, when I had no other option.

I have been fighting so hard for such a long time. Fighting to keep my life together, to seek God better today then I did yesterday, to master every detail, to follow God's perfect Will, I have spent more hours than I can count trying to reach or help anyone and everyone that comes into contact with me. I have spent almost every waking moment of the last several months trying to avoid the pain and hurt that has somehow become a constant ache in my life, a new normal. I have spent months fighting any and every emotion I feel inside to avoid the potential of it leading to a breakdown... Even if I have talked about what is going on, I have avoided actually allowing myself to experience and feel the full and unadulterated emotions of everything going on. Only a couple times have I been unable to contain and control the emotions, sometimes with a lot of pushing and prodding, and sometimes because I was just too overwhelmed to keep the emotions from breaking and spilling everywhere.. especially since I feel like they, whether good or bad are coursing through my veins constantly. I fight daily to be anything but mundane, to help those around me, to be the daughter, sister, co-worker, mentor, and friend that those around me need. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night asking God to help me be even just one step closer to the Krista He wants me to be. Tired yet?... I am.

I realized today that a lot of my joy has been lost or become hidden under the pain and stress that has been my focus. That statement alone makes me want to cry.. But, then again that would be expressing the emotions I do not want to allow to take over... *sigh* yeah, I know. It is not that my joy has disappeared and I cannot find it, it is that I have spent way too much of my time talking, moving, really anything to keep things together, instead of letting God have control. My desire to keep the pain from destroying me has become the goal each day.. and I have done all sorts of things to accomplish this. Some days I have just shut down inside, others I have spent the entire day praying, I have journaled, read, listened and blared music, I have laid on a dock and listened to water lap against the shore, I have slept, and gone out for coffee with friends... All of these things are great and wonderful things.. But, the problem comes back to, I have done these things in an attempt to fix and control what is going on...

Please do not get me wrong, I have not stopped seeking my Jesus through all of this. It is not like I have turned and walked away, nor do I feel like He has left me at all. I have seen Him working in some pretty spectacular ways... And, I have certainly discovered an entirely new affinity for prayer that I NEVER had before. I have found a new way that I absolutely LOVE talking to my Savior, my Lord, my God... But, I have somehow forgot to just stop.. to be silent, to wait.. to just listen without any intent at all but to just BE with my Savior.

So, here I am... partially because I think Jesus has cornered me, but partially because I have begun to realize I just want to sit and be still and listen.

So, here I am. Silent.

Mirror Mirror...

What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? What feelings and emotions follow when you catch a glimpse of how you looked this morning? Do you even actually look at yourself anymore? Do you see what is going on behind your own eyes?... Do you see what others see in you?


Yesterday I was having an avoid the mirror day.. Not because I felt ugly, but because I did not want to see what was going on behind my eyes, and I was hoping no one else could either.. so ignorance is bliss right? I am in this weird state lately of just not seeing what everyone else sees, and avoiding talking about anything intimate or detailed that is going on in my own heart... or behind my eyes. It is no secret it has been a really rough few months.. I have just felt really beat up, as though as soon as I make it through something, another wave threatens to drown me and beat me up with the force of what is going on...


Last night, I spent a long time talking with my dad. I love that man. He is good for me because he is blunt, but loving.. he tells me like it is and exactly like I need to hear it.. I always walk away annoyed because I did not necessarily want to hear what he said, but so incredibly thankful and reminded that it was exactly what I needed to hear. He always reminds me that I am strong and capable. I am worth more than I know, I am precious, and I am important. He somehow is always the person who echos over and over "Krista you can do this..." and above anyone else's words I believe his. I love my daddy.


Then I went and spent some time just being really frustrated at life. I was angry at life, but just frustrated that God was not intervening. That I could not see my Savior moving.. Where is He? When will enough be enough? Where is my hope?... My emotions were on this weird mix of "screw it I don't care" and just hurting beyond what I have the ability to communicate. I was angry and frustrated, and I just needed Jesus to talk to me, touch me, remind me who I am, and why I am precious to him. I needed to be reminded that I am not just getting tossed all this crap because it would be funny to watch me squirm.. So.. after a while of venting my frustrations at life, two of my best friends and I spent more than an hour just praying. I knew I needed serious help going before Jesus, and they were more than willing to be the ones there doing that with me. I cried, prayed, sat, and felt hopeless... And then, slowly one small feeling and thought at a time I began to feel like, "dear beautiful daughter, it will be ok.. I can do this, just let me take care of a few things. Trust me, believe me, I have this under control." My problems and troubles have not been solved... but, I can be still once more. I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of struggles coming in the next little while.. but, I also know that once again my Savior is here.. doing what He has promised and taking care of me... He has not promised things will be easy... but, "If you've ever met a gentle, loving, wise person who radiates the love of Jesus, I can almost guarantee that he or she has suffered deeply." I am working on daily radiating the love of my sweet Savior, and as much as this is full of suck.. I will choose this over anything else. 

Best In Life...

I am a huge believer in the idea that the best things in life are hard, difficult, challenging.. any of the above.. pick one. The things I remember the most, are some of the hardest most challenging things I have ever done. Pass my blackbelt test, pass and graduate college, move to VA, preach Jesus in Ghana... These have all been huge moments in my post-high school life that have all been challenging, but never have I regretted it. In fact, usually once I look back on them they are the points in my life that I am the most thankful for, and the things that I am most fond of because I worked the hardest, was the most stubborn, was on my knees the most, was terrified inside and yet was obedient to what God was telling me.

I tell my friends all the time when any of us are faced with difficult times that "it wouldn't mean anything if it was easy." I firmly believe this.. If I do not have to work for something it has a significantly less amount of value to me then something I worked hard for.

Have you ever stopped to look at the random things in your life that are worth fighting for? What about the challenging things that you have to change?... I have discovered a lot of things recently in myself that I need to work on, and spend a lot of quality knees to the floor time to correct and fix. I do not bemoan this except for the fact that, lets be honest.. no one LIKES finding things they have to change. No one enjoys times that are difficult. No one likes the revelation that once again they are not perfect and have oh so much more to work on... The difference is this time I know exactly what I have to do to be obedient... So, that is what I am doing, and even still, I feel like it is turning my insides into mush. I am being broken and molded and changed for the better.. but it is never an easy process. I see the good, and I am so incredibly thankful that I can see it this time, I know what the goal is... At least in part. Currently it is all still such a new enough revelation that it is an "easy fix"... Sorta like breaking a bone, if you fix it right away, while painful right now.. it is much more painful long term if you have to re-break it in order to fix it later.

I love when I can pray and feel my Savior moving. I can hear Him whispering "peace be still" in my ears and to just wait. I can feel Him holding me and reminding me that this is all for the better, that He loves me and this all regardless of how I feel will be so much better later... Just wait and see. I will not regret any of this later, and I will understand it all once I have been obedient and just waited and prayed... Ugh... so.. I wait and I pray.

One of the interesting things that I am finding is that the roles are reversed inside of me.. usually my heart is spazzing and my emotions go haywire while my mind with logic and reasoning has to talk my heart into a state of calm and understanding... usually with lots of prayer in there. However, this time it is the opposite, my heart is totally at peace.. which does not mean that I enjoy what I am feeling either.. I just have a peace knowing I am being obedient and I am relinquishing control to my Jesus. My mind however is going spastic. I feel like my mind is bouncing off its own walls. I am running scenarios that are not real, nor will ever probably be real.. Again, the only thing that seems to be calming my mind is prayer... ugh.. again with this prayer thing. I never used to be such a prayer monger, however, I am kinda appreciating and enjoying this new-ish (last 6-8 months) found closeness with my Savior.

So, my daily exercise... NOT freaking or panicking like I did this morning... and continuing to push myself to prayer.. to my knees.. to being facedown before my Savior knowing that He is working, moving, and making things as they are supposed to be.. His will, not mine.

The best things in life are never easy.. and even in the midst I do not retract that statement. I choose hard, even though it sucks now.

Not Ok...

I once heard a saying from Matt Chandler from The Village Church.. He said "It's ok to not be ok, but it's not ok to stay there." Meaning it's perfectly acceptable and understandable to be hurting, broken, weak.. not ok.. But, it is not ok to wallow in it, to live in this state. We are always to be pressing on, pushing forward, learning, growing.. just as long as we are moving.

So, I am not ok. I am weak, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I do not understand, I do not have peace in my heart, and I have no idea what to do.

Yesterday at church I went down front and prayed because I feel very broken, like I am going through these motions simply out of muscle memory because my mind cannot focus on them. A couple of my best girl friends came and prayed with me, and as we were getting up another friend commented on not understanding how I hold it all together so well... Mainly because I was not crying, and she was because one of the big things going on right now she is one of the peripheral people that is getting effected. I just laughed at her and told her, "you're assuming because I'm not crying that I'm holding it all together." Which is exactly how I feel right now.. That while I do not have the emotions to cry, I am not holding it together. I do not know how to fix this thing.

To be completely honest, one of the biggest things going on is I dread going to work now. I honestly feel hung out to dry, and as though it is just a matter of time before either I decide I have had enough and walk away or before someone else decides I am not essential or too much of a pain. Ugh. Work takes up too much of my life for me to dread it, no wonder people who hate their jobs are grumps all the time...

If I was giving full disclosure, I would admit that part of my struggle right now is being... afraid, hesitant, unsure of where God is gonna take me next... As in, I really do not want to move away, even if that is back home. I love it where I live, I love my friends. But, it dawned on me today, I have absolutely LOVED everywhere God has taken me, so if he leads me away.. why would it be any different?.. It wouldn't be.

Lord I will follow you. I will let you lead and just relish the dance you are leading me through. I am uneasy because I don't know the steps, but I trust you to lead me well. I will smile because you are what makes this all worth it and so much fun. Please hold onto me tightly so I don't fall or stumble.

I wanted to put the official video.. but it won't allow embedding.. So, you get the link instead..

How He Loves

I dare you to get this song out of your head... It's almost impossible.

Old Familiar Pain...

I am so frustrated. The last couple days have been really rough, and it is not because of any single situation or person, but several loaded on top of one another.

I hate when I feel like this... I am well acquainted with these feelings, but it does not make them any better. The bottom line is right now I am just hurting. I am working very hard at not progressing to getting pissed at the various situations or people, especially the ones I know I am partially to blame for the problem. The worst part of the issues are, I cannot fix any of these situations. I cannot make them better, I cannot take back anything I have done, and even though I have apologized for the things I have done wrong (that I was aware of), it does not make the situation gone.

One of the bigger situations was a prime example of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Both of us stopped trying like we normally do, and just waited for the other one to come to us. We both took things and assumed what we wanted instead of asking questions or seeking the other out like we normally do. We became consumed with our own world and hurt and basically forgot to reach out and lean on each other. But, regardless in the midst of all of it, we were both hurting and the lack of communication caused the hurt to deepen on both ends. After a long... long argument, we got through it all, and I think both realized part of it had really nothing to do with each other as much as it did our own situations.. And, being the best friends that we are, and the history we have, we know it is safe to react poorly... even though reacting poorly is never a good idea, we will always love each other and we know that, even in the midst of everything.

Another situation, I have no idea how to fix. I honestly feel like the person is choosing to "show me a lesson" or "punish" me for whatever offense they feel I have committed or in whatever way they feel I have wronged them. I am frustrated beyond belief for a lot of things that are just not appropriate to post on a blog for anyone to read. The sucky part is, I have no idea what is truly going on, what caused the reactions, and regardless of what I potentially have done, it does not warrant the reaction I am getting... Knowing the person it is on purpose, and it just adds to the hurt.

I found out yesterday another good friend I had in college has apparently decided to ex-communicate me. We were not super close for most of college, mainly because I did not know them... But, the last couple years of college, they became one of my mentors, solid, dependable, caring... etc..etc.. The type that would drive hours to be your support if you asked. They spent hours upon hours with me talking about various things, perspectives on life, Jesus, the World, ministry, caring about others. We did missions trips together and honestly made a great team. And then, suddenly the phone number I have goes to someone else, I am no longer a facebook friend.. and thus have no way of communicating with them unless I hunt them down at the last place I knew that they worked at. To add to it, a really great mutual friend of the two of us still has the ability to contact them, which means I was intentionally removed from their life. Awesome.

Then to add to all of this I started out the week with a couple very highly intense situations. I am not going to go into detail, just in the midst of everything else it makes life stressful. Enough so that I am clenching my jaw again while I am sleeping, and I have to intentionally not clench my jaw while I am awake... My mouth hurts.

So.. Now, where am I at? Wanting to cry. I just really feel helpless and hurt in a lot of these situations. I am a fixer, even if I cannot fix, usually I can help, offer support, advice, something. But, I have no idea what to do.

The thing that I am really fighting right now is not allowing myself the ability to get pissed off and react poorly. I am also very much fighting reverting back to the old thought processes and insecurities. For the sake of exposing things in the light.. here are a few of my thoughts I KNOW are NOT true, but I am seriously fighting the emotions and thoughts of anyway...

~Maybe if I just push everyone away or pull away from everyone, it will keep pain like this from reoccurring in my life.

~These are more examples added to the case of why I am not good enough.

~Maybe if I tried harder, cared less, was more loving, less abrasive, sought them out more, was more intentional about being in their life, they would see me, and want me in their life as a friend.

~Beyond this I begin to revert back to things like "I knew I would get hurt again." "It's my fault for being _______ or not enough ________" I literally can fill those blanks with everything.

~I'll just grit and bare it, and eventually it will be ok and the hurt will go away.

~I should try harder, maybe I have gotten too lazy.

~Maybe if I was better at ____________ things would be different.

These are just a few of them...

But, let me be clear for a second time, none of these are things I am believing. These are lies, and I recognize them as that... This is not a crisis needing someone to intervene before I do something stupid type moment. I know these are not truths, and I know that Jesus is working. He is moving, and He will be glorified through everything. All of these thoughts are things that used to be serious strongholds in my life, and the pain I am currently feeling is very familiar, and with that familiarity comes the habitual thoughts that used to come with them. I am battling the thoughts in my head, praying over them, and recognizing the lies that are trying to seep into my heart and beliefs once again.

So... Now what?.. Pray. Talk to my Sweet Savior and allow His Truths to wash over my mind and heart. I accept this pain, these trials.. whatever He asks me to. I do not have the mentality of "why me?" because it not only does no good, but it also contradicts prayers of "I'll do anything for you" .... Knowing these things does not lessen the pain, it is still there and still real, but it changes the view of darkness. Knowing morning will come eventually never changes being in the cold darkness that is night, it just changes the perspective on the situation. So, my perspective is that God WILL be glorified. I will screw up and admit it, and I will grow, and I will become more of the person I am supposed to be. But, usually that means some pain too, which I would rather have than be who I used to be for the sake of avoiding any pain at all.

Lord please help me and cover me in you.

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

Theirs Become Mine...

So, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world (no really, it's ok to be jealous). I was talking on the phone to one of them yesterday and she was checking in on me to make sure I was ok, and that nothing eventful had happened since we'd talked earlier. I began after a little prodding, to tell her what was wrong and how I was feeling because she very quickly was able to tell in my voice that I was not having a good day.

She listened and heard what I was meaning more than what I was saying (it takes a special friend to be able to do that). I began detailing out for her my frustrations, and how much it bothers me when I feel helpless or as though I have nothing productive to offer. I hate that feeling, and it grates at my nerves to no end.

But, then she sorta giggled at me and explained how it was no surprise to her. She explained to me how I without even realizing it take people's problems and I carry them as though they were mine. Sometimes I offer advice and help (which is usually what I aim for), but most of the time I do whatever I can to make the problem at least partially mine also so they are not alone.

I guess I never really thought about it before, and I don't really know how or why that is my chosen method of showing my caring and compassionate side... All I do know is, that's exactly what I do. She couldn't have been more right, and I didn't even realize that's what I do. Or, maybe I did and just do it so naturally that I just don't pay attention to it.

She went on to explain how because that's what I do, everyone views me as "their person," they come to me to vent because I am stable, always available, and always wanting to be there and help. I never once viewed it that way, and I'm not sure what to make of that observation... I guess maybe, but I don't really think of it I guess.

She then explained that currently things are so hard for me because not only am I attempting to take on the problems and hurts of others, I am trying to muddle through my own issues that are taking up more time than I am used to or that they should. So, essentially here I am trying to juggle more than I know what to do with, all with intensely high emotions involved... Awesome.

All I know is, when I woke up this morning my first thought was "Lord I'm so empty it's not even funny." (How's the for a good morning thought!?) I've spent the majority of the day reading my Bible.. because I've been ridiculously slacking on that lately... And, what I know is that what I need right now is Him. I need His love and that's about it right now. I don't need people (WHOA!.. if you know me that's significant.), I don't need anything but Him, His time, His face... I need my Savior because I need to feel not empty inside anymore.

Man has this week been taxing.