I was talking with my mom today on my drive home from work, and while we talked about all sorts of random things, I keep thinking about one of the last topics we talked about. I was telling her about an article I read where a star (ok Zac Efron) talked about how he was not ever the most skilled, but worked the hardest, and I explained to her that I feel the same sentiment about myself. I am not like my siblings, my older brother is ridiculously smart (which takes after my dad) and can build I am pretty sure anything, my little brother has charm, strength, and wit for days, and my little sister is creative with more wisdom and intelligence than most anyone you will ever meet even though she is only 14... And, I feel as though most of the things I have are due to an incredible amount of hard work, not because of any gifts or talents.
My mom laughed at me and we talked about how interesting it is to hear other people's perceptions of us, and to really voice our own perceptions. She commented on how silly it sounded for me to talk about how little skills or talents I feel like I possess naturally, and pointed out a few things I am involved in... But, what is funny is while she was explaining I could definitely see her perspective, but I also think that even still, the vast majority of the things I have accomplished (getting my black belt, graduating college, getting a double masters degree..etc..) are all due to working hard, not necessarily because of any skill or talent I have. I mean, let's be honest, I am not the biggest fan of school, I do not enjoy nor understand most math, I dislike most sciences, and english is hardly a favorite topic of study so all of them require a great deal of hard work in order for me to succeed.
Then, mom was pointing out the similarities in feelings she has had, and how there are times she will think about how she wishes she was able to just give a little more to something, maybe that little bit extra would make all the difference, but then someone comes along and reminds her of all the things she is doing and all the ways she is making a difference, and how that changes the perspective.. Which, got me thinking about all the things I am involved in, and while none of them really require natural skills or talents, I am incredibly satisfied with the things I am doing and accomplishing or have done or accomplished.
Please do not misunderstand me, this is not a cry for compliments or a woe-is-me post at all. This is merely me looking at the way in which I operate, which has really been cultivated into a work ethic to succeed. I am not at all upset at my lack of natural talent, and I am sure there are things I am talented at, but really I am not necessarily interested on dwelling on those things because I am unsure that there can be the same sense of accomplishment for things you do not have to work for. While I may not view the things I have succeeded at or accomplished as due to any natural talent, I am completely aware that I approach life with in sorta a full tilt perspective... I mean, why not try to attain something? Why not work my hardest to see if I can do it (whatever it is)?.. But, then at the same time because of having to work so hard, I also realize there is a very real chance I will not succeed, which then subsequently leads me to pray about the tasks I am trying to accomplish...
So, once again, work (hard) like it depends on me... and pray (hard) like it depends on God.
May 8, 2012
May 4, 2012
Old Familiar Pains...
It has been almost two years since I have had to endure the rigorous activities, therapies, etc.. etc.. of my often shifted and out of place joints. And, while I am thankful it has been almost two years, I have also been hoping to avoid it all for quite some time still... However, I realized a couple days ago that my hips are messed up, my back is not aligned correctly, and my neck and shoulders are not exactly happy as of late. Which means, I need to find a chiropractor in the DC area to put humpty dumpty back together again. I have loved my last two chiropractors and am not exactly thrilled about looking for a new one again...
However, I am hoping this time it is a significantly reduced program to help put all my joints back together where they are supposed to be, but considering that I almost fell getting out of a car the other day due to my hip giving out and then realizing last week I could not sit still or my back and hip would lock up, realistically it will likely be another challenging recovery process. I am pretty aware of exactly how bad of shape my tendons and ligaments are right now... Should be a lovely, hopefully not painful, but likely long process to get it all straightened out once again.
However, I am hoping this time it is a significantly reduced program to help put all my joints back together where they are supposed to be, but considering that I almost fell getting out of a car the other day due to my hip giving out and then realizing last week I could not sit still or my back and hip would lock up, realistically it will likely be another challenging recovery process. I am pretty aware of exactly how bad of shape my tendons and ligaments are right now... Should be a lovely, hopefully not painful, but likely long process to get it all straightened out once again.
May 2, 2012
Sweet Friends...
I love my friends who are totally and completely different than me.. (especially the ones that are introverted haha) I have said it over and over again, the world does NOT need clones of me!
I love all of my friends, but the introverted ones often feel dramatically different than me, probably for so many reasons, but they tend to be the ones who have gentler spirits, more compassion, think before they speak, are shy, cautious or are much more careful about what they share with others. I think I find all of these qualities precious in them because I realize that for whatever reason they have entrusted me to be a part of their lives and with information they hold close and privately, and that trust is inherently special and treasured by me.
I enjoy the perspective of my introverted friends because the world is dramatically different than my view of it. Often times, their approach causes me to pause and think about a different world view, which could also be why most of my best friends are introverted. ;)
I love my sweet friends who have different perspectives of the world, there is just a different cadence to my relationship with them, they bring out Christ in a new and fantastic way. I love when spending time with these friends gives me a totally different view of who Christ is, could be, and will always be. Such sweet cherished moments in my busy often chaotic life.
I love all of my friends, but the introverted ones often feel dramatically different than me, probably for so many reasons, but they tend to be the ones who have gentler spirits, more compassion, think before they speak, are shy, cautious or are much more careful about what they share with others. I think I find all of these qualities precious in them because I realize that for whatever reason they have entrusted me to be a part of their lives and with information they hold close and privately, and that trust is inherently special and treasured by me.
I enjoy the perspective of my introverted friends because the world is dramatically different than my view of it. Often times, their approach causes me to pause and think about a different world view, which could also be why most of my best friends are introverted. ;)
I love my sweet friends who have different perspectives of the world, there is just a different cadence to my relationship with them, they bring out Christ in a new and fantastic way. I love when spending time with these friends gives me a totally different view of who Christ is, could be, and will always be. Such sweet cherished moments in my busy often chaotic life.
Apr 30, 2012
Kindle App for Mac...
The Kindle App for my Macbook Pro was possibly one of the worst ideas ever... You see, I have read three books in the last week, which subsequently means two things... First, my sleep has diminished. Second, my desire to read my required reading for school has essentially disappeared. Oye!
I read Pride and Prejudice in three days, Catching Fire in two, and Mocking Jay in two days as well... I have about 10 other books I have been putting off reading, and will likely read them in the next (at this rate) few weeks.
Somehow I have never read Pride and Prejudice, although I am not entirely sure I would have cared for it in highschool given the old style language that made not much sense to me then, and I did not care for romantic stories much at all in high school. Although, I am very glad I read it now, and definitely enjoyed the story, the intricacies, and the cadence that the book had. While I cannot say I would ever personally want a "Mr. Darcy" of my own, I certainly enjoyed the relationship, and the struggle that Elizabeth went through in her journey of hating him to loving him.
I very much enjoyed Catching Fire (the second book in the Hunger Games series), although by the end I was beginning to tire of the back and forth between loving Gale and loving Peeta, however I must say it never got as tiring as Bella was towards Edward and Jacob in the Twilight series. I think this is partially because I tend to be the type of girl that once I make up my mind, it does not really change again in regards to relationships.
Mocking Jay was not my favorite, although I actually expected to dislike it way more than I actually did. It was not until a few events and decisions by the main character Katniss that I became fairly frustrated with the book. Several things I suspected came to pass, but there were several other things I was frustrated with. And, overall it was not nearly as engaging or enjoyable of a read as the first two books. Once I was done with the book I was satisfied the series was over, and unlike my usual desire I did not wish the series would continue (I will be the first to admit I tend to mourn for a bit when a series is over). I will say, she ended up with the guy I wanted her to end up with which I think helped my overall feeling of mild contentment at the ending.
Now to choose my next few books.... (this app is the worst idea ever haha...)
I read Pride and Prejudice in three days, Catching Fire in two, and Mocking Jay in two days as well... I have about 10 other books I have been putting off reading, and will likely read them in the next (at this rate) few weeks.
Somehow I have never read Pride and Prejudice, although I am not entirely sure I would have cared for it in highschool given the old style language that made not much sense to me then, and I did not care for romantic stories much at all in high school. Although, I am very glad I read it now, and definitely enjoyed the story, the intricacies, and the cadence that the book had. While I cannot say I would ever personally want a "Mr. Darcy" of my own, I certainly enjoyed the relationship, and the struggle that Elizabeth went through in her journey of hating him to loving him.
I very much enjoyed Catching Fire (the second book in the Hunger Games series), although by the end I was beginning to tire of the back and forth between loving Gale and loving Peeta, however I must say it never got as tiring as Bella was towards Edward and Jacob in the Twilight series. I think this is partially because I tend to be the type of girl that once I make up my mind, it does not really change again in regards to relationships.
Mocking Jay was not my favorite, although I actually expected to dislike it way more than I actually did. It was not until a few events and decisions by the main character Katniss that I became fairly frustrated with the book. Several things I suspected came to pass, but there were several other things I was frustrated with. And, overall it was not nearly as engaging or enjoyable of a read as the first two books. Once I was done with the book I was satisfied the series was over, and unlike my usual desire I did not wish the series would continue (I will be the first to admit I tend to mourn for a bit when a series is over). I will say, she ended up with the guy I wanted her to end up with which I think helped my overall feeling of mild contentment at the ending.
Now to choose my next few books.... (this app is the worst idea ever haha...)
Apr 26, 2012
Career Woman...
A couple weeks ago I was driving back to DC from a weekend of friends and a wedding; one of my favorite things about the drive is A. It is always a beautiful drive, and B. The few hours it takes me to drive gives me plenty of time to do some thinking and processing, and catch up with a few people over the phone.
Last time I made this drive, for whatever reason, I found myself contemplating and realizing for all intents and purposes (at least on the outside) I am a "career woman," the irony is that I have never intended nor wanted to be. I have always wanted to get married, have a family, and then change the world (pretty much in that order). Having a "successful career" seemed exciting, but not really anything I would dream about. One thing is certain though, I have always wanted to change the world.. I just never really envisioned my career being the means by which I took to change the world.
So, what now? I mean, I am in my late 20's, fairly secure in my career, getting a double masters degree, starting my own business, and avidly working to pay off my debt... Success right?.. Sure, I guess. I mean on the outside it is perfect, I am succeeding and "making something of myself" ... What is interesting regarding all of this is, all I could think of on my drive home is "...this was not the type of woman I thought I would be 10 years ago..." I never set out to be a "career woman." I never thought I would be the age I am and still single.
I realized recently that one of the most difficult things for me to acknowledge, as well as figure out how to respond to is, other people's belief that my goal all along has been to be a successful career woman...
To be a successful career woman was never my goal.
To be honest, it is naturally frustrating to field questions about my status as a 20 something single girl... It becomes even more difficult and disheartening with the added assumptions of my intentions, goals, and the direction my life is going being purposefully to be a career woman or attain "success."
So, with this in mind, let me explain a few things:
I have completely accepted that I am not God, and have no control over when or if a man will enter my life and one day become my husband. If that will ever happen I do not know so, simply waiting around and acting as though marriage is the pinnacle of what I am meant to do with my life is not something I can do... Nor do I believe that marriage will be the pinnacle of my journey, if I do get married, I am confident it will dramatically change both of us, and God will use that to continue our journey... But, since tomorrow is not promised, I cannot wait for it to show up, I have to be faithful with the here and now.
I understand that a GREAT deal of effort has and is being put into my career and education, but I avidly said I would never go back to school when I graduated from college... four years after I made that declaration, God told me to go back to school, He and I fought about it until He won. Which leads me to believe I am in school to be obedient (only), not because I enjoy it (just ask my roomies who listen to me complain a lot..). And, I am living and working in DC because God put me here and continues to keep me here. Thankfully I am no longer loathing life in DC, and have in fact found several things that I love about my life here. The goal of being in DC is not for the purpose of being a career woman, being successful or furthering my career. I am here because two years ago when I was getting laid off, I prayed to have just one job open up... Out of 70+ applications I sent out, I had just one job open up, so I took it... Only recently am I beginning to see (possibly) what God is doing and how He is orchestrating all of these things.. But, even still, one thing I am certain of is, I am not aiming to be a career woman or to have a successful career, if those things happen then that is truly fantastic, if they do not, I will not bemoan or regret them. Ultimately I am aiming to fulfill the plans the Lord has for me, regardless of what that looks like.
So, while a husband and family would be wonderful and although a successful career would be great, neither of these things themselves are or have ever been my goal, my goal has always been to be a catalyst and change the world... I just used to think that meant doing it alongside my husband, which may someday be the case, but that day is not today. Today my aim is to serve my Savior the best that I can, and bring Him glory exactly as I am; a single daughter of His, following the career path laid before me.
Last time I made this drive, for whatever reason, I found myself contemplating and realizing for all intents and purposes (at least on the outside) I am a "career woman," the irony is that I have never intended nor wanted to be. I have always wanted to get married, have a family, and then change the world (pretty much in that order). Having a "successful career" seemed exciting, but not really anything I would dream about. One thing is certain though, I have always wanted to change the world.. I just never really envisioned my career being the means by which I took to change the world.
So, what now? I mean, I am in my late 20's, fairly secure in my career, getting a double masters degree, starting my own business, and avidly working to pay off my debt... Success right?.. Sure, I guess. I mean on the outside it is perfect, I am succeeding and "making something of myself" ... What is interesting regarding all of this is, all I could think of on my drive home is "...this was not the type of woman I thought I would be 10 years ago..." I never set out to be a "career woman." I never thought I would be the age I am and still single.
I realized recently that one of the most difficult things for me to acknowledge, as well as figure out how to respond to is, other people's belief that my goal all along has been to be a successful career woman...
To be a successful career woman was never my goal.
Being a catalyst who changes the world... THAT has been my goal.
To be honest, it is naturally frustrating to field questions about my status as a 20 something single girl... It becomes even more difficult and disheartening with the added assumptions of my intentions, goals, and the direction my life is going being purposefully to be a career woman or attain "success."
So, with this in mind, let me explain a few things:
I have completely accepted that I am not God, and have no control over when or if a man will enter my life and one day become my husband. If that will ever happen I do not know so, simply waiting around and acting as though marriage is the pinnacle of what I am meant to do with my life is not something I can do... Nor do I believe that marriage will be the pinnacle of my journey, if I do get married, I am confident it will dramatically change both of us, and God will use that to continue our journey... But, since tomorrow is not promised, I cannot wait for it to show up, I have to be faithful with the here and now.
I understand that a GREAT deal of effort has and is being put into my career and education, but I avidly said I would never go back to school when I graduated from college... four years after I made that declaration, God told me to go back to school, He and I fought about it until He won. Which leads me to believe I am in school to be obedient (only), not because I enjoy it (just ask my roomies who listen to me complain a lot..). And, I am living and working in DC because God put me here and continues to keep me here. Thankfully I am no longer loathing life in DC, and have in fact found several things that I love about my life here. The goal of being in DC is not for the purpose of being a career woman, being successful or furthering my career. I am here because two years ago when I was getting laid off, I prayed to have just one job open up... Out of 70+ applications I sent out, I had just one job open up, so I took it... Only recently am I beginning to see (possibly) what God is doing and how He is orchestrating all of these things.. But, even still, one thing I am certain of is, I am not aiming to be a career woman or to have a successful career, if those things happen then that is truly fantastic, if they do not, I will not bemoan or regret them. Ultimately I am aiming to fulfill the plans the Lord has for me, regardless of what that looks like.
So, while a husband and family would be wonderful and although a successful career would be great, neither of these things themselves are or have ever been my goal, my goal has always been to be a catalyst and change the world... I just used to think that meant doing it alongside my husband, which may someday be the case, but that day is not today. Today my aim is to serve my Savior the best that I can, and bring Him glory exactly as I am; a single daughter of His, following the career path laid before me.
Apr 23, 2012
If and If Not...
Yesterday church was CRAZY!... Well, not really, just the production/set-up/running sermon/tear down was among the most hectic and hysterical I have experienced yet. The best line of the morning that still has me laughing is "we're like a bunch of 5th graders.." which was then followed by my response of "yeah, 5th graders in a museum!.. 'wow, what does THIS do?!...'" Haha, we really were struggling and had several curve balls thrown at us in a very short amount of time, and due to the wonderful natures of the people on the team with me we were able to laugh through the stress. Thankfully I do not think anyone in the service really noticed... But, we sure did!
All that being said, the sermon itself was amazing and really gave me a whole lot to think about... The sermon was another in our current "IF" series, talking about the various passages in the bible that are huge if passages. This week they focused on Daniel 3:16-18:
"Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, 'O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.'”
First.. can I point out that until this weekend I thought his name was pronounced A-ben-dego, not A-bed-nego.. How do we so often/prominently reverse the n and d?!
Ok, so on to the actual portions of the passage and message that jumped out to me, I love how they say that IF it is so, God is ABLE to deliver... then they go on to say EVEN IF NOT.. they will still not bow and worship.
One of the interesting things pointed out is that they did not justify a way in which they could possibly comply outwardly without inwardly complying. Meaning, none of them said "well, we can bow down, but inwardly worship our own God..." or "it doesn't really mean anything cause he's crazy anyway..." or my personal favorite, "I should choose my battles carefully so I can have a greater impact later..." Nope. None of these excuses were made, they stood their ground, and faced some pretty serious consequences for it... The thing I love the most about this is that they tell the crack-head (I do not know if he really was, but her certainly was crazy) that they refuse to bow and worship anyone but the God of the universe, that he is perfectly able to save them from the flames... But, my favorite part is the faith that is unmovable when they say "...even if He does not..." they will still not worship the idol.
Heather went on to explain that so often we only want to proclaim the good things, and focus on our "if He does" faith. But, it is the "if He does not" faith that is more difficult. Because God is able, but he may not... She pointed to Hebrews 11, and explained that we all love the first 35(a) verses, but do not really want to focus on the last few verses in the chapter that explain how some people suffered and died terrible deaths on behalf of Christ, but even still they worshiped. They lived in the "if not" faith believing that the ultimate purpose of God is good, even if he does not deliver them from their troubles. Sometimes God delivers us through our problems instead of from them..
What a powerful thought... While God is able, if He does not choose to deliver us from our problems, do we have the faith to believe His ultimate purpose is good, and He will deliver us through (even if that means into death)?
One of the points she made was that often we want to tell others it's "going to be ok" when in reality we have no idea if it is going to be ok... The last few verses of Hebrews 11 list several instances where it was not ok for some people who followed Christ. Although it might seem a little backwards, I find it totally refreshing to hear that sometimes it is not ok because God's plan is not always to keep us or remove us from pain, but to walk us through the entire thing... There are a few areas in my life that I am praying the "if" prayer, but also praying through the "if not," then I will still worship my Lord and Savior.. Near the end of her sermon she talked about how we have to continue to pray until God has answered our prayer, said no or until we feel a peace about it that indicates He has answered the prayer, but that it has not happened yet; at which point we need to transition into praising Him.
How powerful. How difficult.
All that being said, the sermon itself was amazing and really gave me a whole lot to think about... The sermon was another in our current "IF" series, talking about the various passages in the bible that are huge if passages. This week they focused on Daniel 3:16-18:
"Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, 'O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.'”
First.. can I point out that until this weekend I thought his name was pronounced A-ben-dego, not A-bed-nego.. How do we so often/prominently reverse the n and d?!
Ok, so on to the actual portions of the passage and message that jumped out to me, I love how they say that IF it is so, God is ABLE to deliver... then they go on to say EVEN IF NOT.. they will still not bow and worship.
One of the interesting things pointed out is that they did not justify a way in which they could possibly comply outwardly without inwardly complying. Meaning, none of them said "well, we can bow down, but inwardly worship our own God..." or "it doesn't really mean anything cause he's crazy anyway..." or my personal favorite, "I should choose my battles carefully so I can have a greater impact later..." Nope. None of these excuses were made, they stood their ground, and faced some pretty serious consequences for it... The thing I love the most about this is that they tell the crack-head (I do not know if he really was, but her certainly was crazy) that they refuse to bow and worship anyone but the God of the universe, that he is perfectly able to save them from the flames... But, my favorite part is the faith that is unmovable when they say "...even if He does not..." they will still not worship the idol.
Heather went on to explain that so often we only want to proclaim the good things, and focus on our "if He does" faith. But, it is the "if He does not" faith that is more difficult. Because God is able, but he may not... She pointed to Hebrews 11, and explained that we all love the first 35(a) verses, but do not really want to focus on the last few verses in the chapter that explain how some people suffered and died terrible deaths on behalf of Christ, but even still they worshiped. They lived in the "if not" faith believing that the ultimate purpose of God is good, even if he does not deliver them from their troubles. Sometimes God delivers us through our problems instead of from them..
What a powerful thought... While God is able, if He does not choose to deliver us from our problems, do we have the faith to believe His ultimate purpose is good, and He will deliver us through (even if that means into death)?
One of the points she made was that often we want to tell others it's "going to be ok" when in reality we have no idea if it is going to be ok... The last few verses of Hebrews 11 list several instances where it was not ok for some people who followed Christ. Although it might seem a little backwards, I find it totally refreshing to hear that sometimes it is not ok because God's plan is not always to keep us or remove us from pain, but to walk us through the entire thing... There are a few areas in my life that I am praying the "if" prayer, but also praying through the "if not," then I will still worship my Lord and Savior.. Near the end of her sermon she talked about how we have to continue to pray until God has answered our prayer, said no or until we feel a peace about it that indicates He has answered the prayer, but that it has not happened yet; at which point we need to transition into praising Him.
How powerful. How difficult.
Apr 19, 2012
The Blah Weeks...
I really hate the days that are for all intents and purposes fine, nothing too off the wall, out of the ordinary, frustrating or otherwise, and even contained some really good parts.. Yet I still am left feeling blah at the end of the day. Today was one of those days, work was frustrating, but honestly I think it had more to do with my mindset than anyone or anything that actually took place, I had a great couple hours spent over coffee and chatting with some friends, and I even was able to sneak in a run (really I need to control the sugar intake that has gotten out of control the last week or so!).. And yet, here I sit, stretching on the floor, and something just feels off inside. Not the biggest fan of days where I feel blah for no real reason.
Completely random thoughts floating through my head:
I am super excited for a friend of mine and things going on in her life.
I am really excited to see "The Dark Tower" in a few weeks.
I am so excited for Avengers to come out (I know, I'm a nerd).
I dislike having to be patient, but feel like I have no other option at this point.
I really hate, and subsequently beat myself up when other people's happiness does not also bring me uninhibited joy and happiness for them... Talk about selfishness.. eesh.
It has been a really long time since I have experienced serious change in my life... I need to travel.. or move... or get a new job.. or SOMETHING!... But, none of those things are looking too promising at the moment (maybe I will just dye my hair again to satisfy the desire for change for a while haha).
My lack of dedication to working out makes me feel like my body is turning to goo or mush... I am fairly sure my goal to run a half marathon at the end of May is not going to happen..
I could use a little inspiration.. It has been a very long time since I have had an artistic craving...
There is a pretty good chance most of my emotions this week are due to a severe lack of good and/or long amounts sleep all week... Maybe I should work on that huh?
On all of these random notes, I leave you with one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser and her song Faithful, pretty much sums up how I am feeling.
Completely random thoughts floating through my head:
I am super excited for a friend of mine and things going on in her life.
I am really excited to see "The Dark Tower" in a few weeks.
I am so excited for Avengers to come out (I know, I'm a nerd).
I dislike having to be patient, but feel like I have no other option at this point.
I really hate, and subsequently beat myself up when other people's happiness does not also bring me uninhibited joy and happiness for them... Talk about selfishness.. eesh.
It has been a really long time since I have experienced serious change in my life... I need to travel.. or move... or get a new job.. or SOMETHING!... But, none of those things are looking too promising at the moment (maybe I will just dye my hair again to satisfy the desire for change for a while haha).
My lack of dedication to working out makes me feel like my body is turning to goo or mush... I am fairly sure my goal to run a half marathon at the end of May is not going to happen..
I could use a little inspiration.. It has been a very long time since I have had an artistic craving...
There is a pretty good chance most of my emotions this week are due to a severe lack of good and/or long amounts sleep all week... Maybe I should work on that huh?
On all of these random notes, I leave you with one of my favorite artists Brooke Fraser and her song Faithful, pretty much sums up how I am feeling.
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