Giving...

A couple of times a week on my way home from work, I end up talking with my mom. We talk about our day, the last few days, things we have been thinking about, things we are praying about, and a whole lot of things that only moms would understand. I love and cherish these conversations with my mom because they are such special moments we share just us..

Anyway, we were talking tonight and I was updating her on conversations, things I found funny, and I was telling her about hanging out with the boy, things that we have talked about, and several things that I am learning and praying about regarding everything going on in my life right now. Part way through the conversation she commented on the story I was telling her saying that it seemed like a good thing because he did not seem as needy as past relationships I have had. She then went on to explain that I tend to operate from a place of giving... I give my time.. my energy.. my money.. my things.. my emotions.. I tend to just give, and I do not really have a shut off or a filter for when I need to stop or when I can no longer handle it anymore. She explained that there have been instances when it seems like the person I am helping literally just drains me and does not give back...

What I found particularly surprising in how she was explaining it was the way in which she clearly communicated a love for how giving I am, a hint of worry because of my lack of ability to just shut it off... Yet, mixed in equally with the other two was almost an admiration in her words for the fact that I operate my life with the understanding that if I CAN do something to help someone else.. why wouldn't I?...

One of the things she mentioned (and what seems to be a totally logical approach to me), is her observation that I will respond the same to people who I barely know as I would to someone I love deeply.

I find myself really intrigued at the view my mom has of me.. Partially because I know she is right, and because there is so much love in the way she talks and worries about me (even though I'm about to turn 27 :), but also because I really had never thought of the fact that I do not really have an off switch in this area of my life. Sometimes I do, in a case by case basis, but I never say no over mild inconveniences...

After we talked, I began thinking about the ways in which this trait (whether learned, cultivated, or born in me) is and has been a good thing, but also how there have definitely been so many instances where it was really not a good thing. How in past relationships (friendships or otherwise) I literally just poured into them, sacrificing things I liked, needed or wanted in order to help them or "make the relationship work".. all the while, literally just emptying myself.. Sometimes to the point of breakdown or worse. More often than not, I view things in light of "would this help or benefit them (whoever them is), and is there a sound reason NOT to?" If the answer is "yes, no" then typically I will do it.. Drive hours, spend time or money, go out of my way, lose sleep, work extra etc...

However, there is definitely a couple ways that I can see how this has turned into maybe a not so good thing for me.. Namely that I really struggle letting others help ME.. Sounds bizarre, but I honestly do not know how to handle it well, and really have to work at letting other help me... and more importantly asking others to help. There are some people that I have slowly accepted into the category of ok to ask for help, some I am really working on, and others I have no cognitive understanding of what it would look like to let them help me...

Don't I seem like such a "good person"?...haha.. *gag*... That is not at all where I am going with this thought, and certainly not what my heart is contemplating regarding this whole thing...

Truly I am intrigued by the perspective my mom has, I am even more so intrigued because of how it applies to the story I was telling her, and how much I struggle with letting people help me... including, and maybe especially so the boy. I cannot even begin to fake being able to do everything alone, that idea is completely ridiculous, and I would be doomed to fail. I also know that I really need to work at letting others help me, and being (appropriately) vulnerable.. Sometimes (ok maybe a lot of the time) I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reason someone else (especially the boy) would go so out of their way for me.. I mean, if I detached myself and looked at the situation or if someone else was explaining this to me, I would laugh and tell them how ridiculous it was, that of course they are loved and letting others help them is a wonderful thing.. Yet, applying it to myself takes on a whole different light.

How do I help others and be selfless without turning into a fortress all unto my own?... I haven't a clue. How do I do these things without also turning into a self-centered person?.. I don't know.

So, those are a few of my thoughts for this evening...