Sometimes, I catch myself day dreaming about what life is like now compared to what it was like a year ago... compared to what it "will" (as if I know for sure) be like in a year. As if anyone knows.. much less me, but especially when I drive I find myself just pondering.. mulling over random things.. mostly just about tid bits of life.
Today's random smattering of thoughts were all over the place, but one thing I keep coming back to is how different next summer will be compared to this one. Not because I actually know what is coming or what to expect, but because if certain aspects of life now continue down the path they are on, life will be dramatically different. Not bad or good, but just different.
For one, I am pretty confident I will not be at my current job.. I will be almost done with school.. I may or may not still be living in DC (which depending on the day makes me happy or sad).. And, many of my single friends will not be single anymore or much longer... Which brings me to one passing thought.. "And then there was one.." Sounds depressing, and if I think about it, really only the selfish side of me causes that to be depressing... The reason is most all of my girl friends either have found someone and are married already, are mid relationship closely heading to marriage, or are entering into something new... Now, don't get me wrong, I have prayed for each one of these girls to find a guy before me.. because I know that twinge of a feeling that "when will it be my turn..." feeling that comes when girlfriends find a guy, get engaged, and get married. No matter how happy you are for them, (even if only for .02 seconds) there is a moment when a girl thinks "God, when can it be my turn to find love?" The answer?.. I dunno.. God hasn't told me his answer to my question... Which, honestly I don't want to know... I have a tendency to screw things up when I get clued in... So, blind and in the dark works for me no matter how frustrating and aggravating it is.
Recently a couple of my besties have entered in and begun walking down the "see where this goes" path. I have prayed it for them fervently.. Mostly because they get truly lonely and I can see the honest and literal pain that they believe to be deeply hidden. I have watched them struggle very deeply with the idea that maybe it will never come... and what if God has single hood planned for them.. can they be truly happy when all they want is a husband and a family?.. I have watched them struggle to find genuine happiness for our closest girlfriends and their journey to becoming one with a charming and amazing man that is perfect for them. Because of these reasons, and so.. so many more I have been praying for my girlfriends to find amazing men of God who look at them and see the beauty that is just as obvious inside as it is outside... A man who will fight for her.. even if that fight is with himself. I have prayed for a man who will pursue her and draw her closer to the Lord... All the while knowing that at one time or another I will instead feel those feelings of "when will it be my turn?" while they walk down their paths... And, since a few of them have begun to walk down this path, my passing though recently is "and then there was one..." But, it is quickly followed with "...as it should be." .. because God cannot answer my prayers for them without this being the situation I find myself in. So, it makes sense.
And, as always, while a small part of me wants to find "the one" and live my "fairytale" (haha).. I am not there, and KNOW I am not there yet or right now.. And, to be completely and totally honest, I am not real sure I will be there anytime soon... Which is good cause I have a lot of work and school to finish and learn about.. Not to mention God and I are going through some pretty major foundation and structure changes in my heart, and a guy would really only mess that up, get in the way, or distract me from paying attention right now.
So, as always, there is a part of me, my human fleshly side that dislikes the situation I find myself in, but then I remember my goals and true desires are to see my friends happy.. Sounds cheesey and cornballish.. but honestly, it makes my life and the challenges and frustrations so much easier to endure when my friends are truly happy. Plus, I decided years ago there were certain people in my life (including the ones that would reach a certain place in my life in the future) that I just could not stand the thought of my life causing them a twinge of pain, jealousy, hurt, frustration, or loneliness due to me finding a guy and getting married.. I realize this is slightly odd.. and taken too far (especially with the number of people I know and meet every year) it could easily lead to me "being single forever".. However, I figure, regardless of my prayers God is in control, not my prayers.. and if I am single forever... I haven't regretted any of it so far, so I have no reason to believe I will start regretting at some point in the future.
Besides.. prayer for my friends is all I know how to do to help the pain and burdens I see buried so deep in their hearts. If feeling like "and then there was one" is what I have to "feel" for a moment because they are finding contentment for their burdens.. they I will pray.. continuously.