Thought Consuming..

So, I've been thinking about this lately.. What do you think about? What consumes your thoughts? And, I don't mean daily tasks like grocery lists, honey-do lists, or anything like that..

I mean what are the things that every time your mind gets a chance to wander.. it wanders here... In the morning it tends to be your first thought (after DANG IT I don't wanna get up of course)... At night it tends to be your last thought (after crap it's later than I wanted to get to bed..). It's an interesting exercise to let go of all the fluff and think about what consumes your thought process.. I mean I can say I honestly have.... at least 4 things on my mind at all times. They are occupying different parts of my mind, but there are always 4 of them..

There's the Conscious what I'm thinking right now the "top of my mind"

Then there's the "to do" list or things that I need to accomplish.. my mind pretty much always has that... kinda second so once I'm finished with whatever/wherever I am, I check it off.. and move it up the line..

Then there's the issues from the day/week.. These tend to be problems or things I'm wondering etc..etc.. basically this is where my mind goes when I let it wander on its own :) This is where I consider myself to "mull over" issues.

Then there's the subconscious level.. :)

So what do you mull over? After the immediate and the list, what do you think about most? I feel for me like my heart has a direct line with this section of my brain.. and sometimes it can be a wonderful thing, and other times it can be obnoxious cause it affects every other part of me, regardless of what I want to think or feel.

Currently I feel like I'm kinda sitting and being just in awe of who God is, and then my complete lack of faith in what He says He will do.. I mean I've been essentially praying the same prayer for a couple months now.. I want my heart to be broken. I want to FEEL Jesus. I want to see what He sees. I want to hear what He hears. I want to love like He LOVES... I want to BE who He wants me to be... so I mean come-on praying that same general thought pattern, you would think "man she's determined and really wants those things..." haha.. yes. But no, not really.. Yes I want those things, but at the same time I kinda didn't really expect Him to do it.

How stupid am I?!

Who prays for something for a couple months.. meaning it and wanting it.. but not really expecting God to DO it?!.. *smacks forehead* I'm a retard. How can you want something enough to pray for it virtually every day.. and not expect God to give you what you desire?..

*sigh* I have so far to go still clearly. Dang it. I'm just really glad He is patient...