Theirs Become Mine...

So, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world (no really, it's ok to be jealous). I was talking on the phone to one of them yesterday and she was checking in on me to make sure I was ok, and that nothing eventful had happened since we'd talked earlier. I began after a little prodding, to tell her what was wrong and how I was feeling because she very quickly was able to tell in my voice that I was not having a good day.

She listened and heard what I was meaning more than what I was saying (it takes a special friend to be able to do that). I began detailing out for her my frustrations, and how much it bothers me when I feel helpless or as though I have nothing productive to offer. I hate that feeling, and it grates at my nerves to no end.

But, then she sorta giggled at me and explained how it was no surprise to her. She explained to me how I without even realizing it take people's problems and I carry them as though they were mine. Sometimes I offer advice and help (which is usually what I aim for), but most of the time I do whatever I can to make the problem at least partially mine also so they are not alone.

I guess I never really thought about it before, and I don't really know how or why that is my chosen method of showing my caring and compassionate side... All I do know is, that's exactly what I do. She couldn't have been more right, and I didn't even realize that's what I do. Or, maybe I did and just do it so naturally that I just don't pay attention to it.

She went on to explain how because that's what I do, everyone views me as "their person," they come to me to vent because I am stable, always available, and always wanting to be there and help. I never once viewed it that way, and I'm not sure what to make of that observation... I guess maybe, but I don't really think of it I guess.

She then explained that currently things are so hard for me because not only am I attempting to take on the problems and hurts of others, I am trying to muddle through my own issues that are taking up more time than I am used to or that they should. So, essentially here I am trying to juggle more than I know what to do with, all with intensely high emotions involved... Awesome.

All I know is, when I woke up this morning my first thought was "Lord I'm so empty it's not even funny." (How's the for a good morning thought!?) I've spent the majority of the day reading my Bible.. because I've been ridiculously slacking on that lately... And, what I know is that what I need right now is Him. I need His love and that's about it right now. I don't need people (WHOA!.. if you know me that's significant.), I don't need anything but Him, His time, His face... I need my Savior because I need to feel not empty inside anymore.

Man has this week been taxing.

Black and White Perspective...

Random thought to start my blog with, I've been listening to podcast sermons on my way into work lately.. and it's been absolutely amazing. I pop it on and my driving kicks to autopilot (not literally but I get so focused on what I'm listening to that I tend to just let myself go through the motions of my drive to work). The podcasts are perfectly timed, so I end up with about enough time for 1-3 songs before I arrive to work. I find that I seriously desire and look forward to these drives. :)

Here's my question.. What are you using as your perspective? This is a rather new thought in my head, and I'll do my best to unpack it, but it may come out some in random form instead of linear (sorry).

So often we look at our lives and we compare it to "the Jones" I mean it may not literally be the Jones', but it may be your best friend, a group of people you wish you were a part of, a group you ARE a part of, the news, the world, your family, your city etc..etc.. the list can go on and on. I can think of a whole bunch of things that I use as my perspective on life and myself.

How often do we assume the "lesser of two evils" mentality? How many times a day do I think it's ok just this once, or because no one is around, or because so and so did it it MUST be ok, or at least I didn't do ______... whatever, fill in the blank for yourself. But, the reality is Jesus didn't give us the freedom of gray's, He gave us black and He gave us white. We either are right or we are wrong.

Now, hear me for just a second... the problem with gray is it inherently means you're using the wrong things as a perspective... Gray means it's right for me but not for you. It's ok that I sin because it's not as bad as your sin. It's ok that you're lying as long as you don't... murder... It's ok to not help someone because surely God will help them... The problem assumes that God doesn't want you to do it, or that God isn't asking you to be who he wants you to be.

I'm not a fan of grays in life. I never really have been, I tried for a while to let gray be ok... mainly because several people pointed out my black and white perspective and I got gun shy and it took me a while to figure out if black and white was truly ok. What if gray was right?... Well, the reality is if Jesus is my perspective there is no Gray.

Now, I'm NOT talking about "I don't drink so you shouldn't" or "You can eat ham, but I don't" nothing like that.. All of that is explained in the Bible. I'm talking about moral issues, choices of right and wrong, not personal preferences. I'm not talking about the body of Christ having different strengths and choosing not to do something they aren't good at. God gave us variety in "us" in our community so that we can all have strengths and weaknesses. It's ok if I choose not to do things I'm not good at, and instead focus on the things I am good at... none of those are inherently a sin... unless God tells me to and I say no... that's when it becomes a sin.

What I AM talking about is when I (or people) choose to not say anything... When I choose to not listen when God speaks to me.. When I allow fear to get in the way... When I don't say "Jesus Loves You" because I know the person isn't a Christian... When I choose to do something because it's not NEARLY as bad as so and so... When It's ok for me to listen to THIS song because it isn't as bad as THAT song.. As soon as I rationalize what I'm doing, it becomes a sin, I've missed the mark.. Chance are I missed a moment with my Savior. The idea that I missed a moment with my Savior makes my heart hurt. To think of all the times I chose not to look at Jesus and spend a moment with Him... Uhg, I can't explain how much that hurts.

What I do know is that I hate the idea of gray. I hate that someone feels it's ok for me to not say something and CHOOSE to ignore the love I could lavish on someone else... How can I say I love my Jesus, my Sweet King, my Savior, my Daddy.. How can I say those things and then tell someone else "I'm sorry, I won't show you what He's shown me." That's not Love, that's ignorance and selfishness.

If you believe in Jesus, then it's black and white, no gray.

What Do You Desire?

So, I was having some serious God time on my way into work today (have I said how much I love my hour drive?!).. I realize the gas it takes to get to and from work every day is a lot.. but I truly love my car time cause it forces me to think.. and that always forces me to talk with God.

My thoughts today centered around What do I desire?... I sorta listen to the same 3 songs every morning (that is if I feel in the mood to hear anything beyond the tires on the road). But, these songs never get old.. Desert Song, Hosanna, and Came to my Rescue.. Today I listened to them as well as Facedown, and just sorta let my mind wander. Once the songs were over, I shut the radio off and I just started talking to God.. I wanted him to hear me and know what I was thinking.. (Obviously he does, but it means more when I actually tell him..)

So, here are my thoughts. I want to KNOW God, and I don't mean just have the head knowledge.. I want to experience Him. I want to be so in His face that regardless of how I'm feeling, angry, sad, happy, joyful, tired, numb, restless, excited, worried, troubled.. anything I want to be in His face whether I'm happy, shouting, crying, whispering, or simply just sitting. I want Him to guide my steps. I need Him, and I truly mean NEED. I feel empty when I'm not close to Him, I feel sluggish and as though I'm dizzy and disoriented. See the thing is, I feel the pull "from the world".. but it doesn't compare to how I feel when I'm in God's face. I want to be David (only without the murder and adultery.. or being a guy :) etc..etc..), I don't want my emotions and what I'm currently fixated on to get in the way of my speaking to my Sweet Savior. I desire to be content. I want to be so close to God that He fills my vision, and everything I see is through Him.

When you boil it down.. I just want Jesus.

I want to be content here, right now. I want to love my journey with Him, not just be focused on the goal. I don't want to miss opportunities or experiences because I was too blind to see where I was and what I should have been doing. I want people to SEE Jesus in me, I want there to be no doubt that I love Him. I don't want to be the person ankle deep in the ocean... I want to be the person rolling in the waves.

I want to see myself as God sees me. I don't want to feel like He messed up cause of whatever whatever, I just want to be able to be so in God's face that even when I look at myself I can see the me He intends for me to be... even when I do mess up.

I want to be in a constant state of living outside my comfort zone cause that is the only time I really let go of my skills, abilities, cautions, and just become flexible, mold-able and let God work using me. I love that feeling when you're amazed cause you KNOW you couldn't do it, and yet looking back you realize you didn't. That's when you feel God and know you're alive.

I desire Jesus alone.