Double-Minded...

Sometimes I amaze (and frustrate) myself at how double-minded I can be about some things in my life. In general, I tend to lean towards being the type of person who knows what I like, what I want, and how I plan on getting there... or at the very least the next step or two I need to take in order to get to where I want to go. I typically know what I believe and why I believe it, and more often than not, I have a story behind my beliefs as well.

However, there are other things in my life that if I am being completely honest about, I feel double-minded, and it drives me crazy... When half of me wants something and the other half is repelled by the very same idea, I find myself stuck, immobile, trapped, and frozen. Wouldn't life just be easier if I stuck my head in the sand and took a nap!?..

Uh. No...
That just makes you look ridiculous with your butt stuck up in the air for all to see.

To name a few topics:
On one hand I would love to find the love of my life, get married, and strike off on adventures together... On the other, I love my life as is, I love the benefits of being single, I love that I am able to be transient by nature and follow wherever the Spirit of the Lord leads me. I know that while not necessarily easier, life certainly is less complicated (not in a good or bad way, there are just less things to take into consideration) when you are single. I also am completely aware of the fact that I do not understand what it means to be totally and completely in love with a man and willing to follow him anywhere. I do not know what it means for a man to love me back in the way God intended... Once I find this, I realize my view of singleness will change, I also know without any doubts I want to accomplish everything I can before that time in order to be prepared and where I need to be.

On one hand I would love to get a new job, find the position and organization that is my sweet spot.. On the other hand, I am aware that I could get a new job and it not be anything close to making my heart swell for 40 plus hours a week.. Which of course leads to, what if I move for a job I hate? I mean technically I have been there and done that, and clearly made it out alive and relatively unscathed with more wisdom, but seriously, I love where I live right now (shocker, I know), and my heart aches at the thought of leaving my church and friends here... Yet at the same time my heart of hearts longs for, desires more. My heart aches to be passionate about what I do, to know that what I am doing means something.

On one hand I love the thought of moving to a new place and all the adventures that would inevitably ensue, on the other hand, what if I move to a place that does not allows me to find adventures and activities that are a stones throw away where I currently live... Meaning, what if I move alone again to a place that does not fit. Ultimately I am well aware that God would take care of me, and teach me so much more than I can fathom right now, but I also truly love where I am currently living, and it fits me and where I am in my life right now.

So, double-minded or not, here I am, all of me in my full glory of imperfection and indecision.

One of the things I have been considering in terms of the ramifications of being double-minded is that while frustrating, it is also a good starting place for God to really do some work in my heart. Meaning, if I am unsure of what I want, it will do a few things, first and probably foremost, it will drive me to pray about it and likely pray a lot about it. Second, not knowing what I want forces me to pause and consider it all regularly, which for someone who tends towards "go until God says no..." the need to stop and think is really a good thing. The last thing that I think is potentially a really good thing about my double-minded feelings towards some things in my life is that it keeps me humble... I find it really easy to charge off into the unknown due to my pride alone, yet when I am uncertain I seek Christ and other people much smarter and more experienced than I am for advice, I stop to pray, think and consider.

So, while entirely frustrating to not know exactly what I think and want in some areas of my life, I also realize there is some good to take into consideration in these situations.

Connecting Again...

I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.

I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..

What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.

There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.

Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.

I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.