I Am Not Able...

This week has been exhausting. Tiring for a whole lot of reasons, some significant and others easily correctable (such as taking a nap)... However, I have been very frustrated on the inside for what feels like stupid things, which has done nothing but add to my exhaustion.

Every few years, I find myself faced with feelings of trust gone awry, hurts and lies that have really done nothing but cause frustration. And, for whatever reason, my only innate solution seems to always resort back to controlling what I allow others to see, hear, and experience when it comes to what is going on in my head and heart. I seem to repeat this cycle every few years or so, and somehow always find myself struggling with the something along the lines of:

Do I trust those around me enough to let them truly see me?
Do I allow those around me to carry my burden with me?
Do I give those around me the chance to show they are trustworthy?
Do I put myself in a place of vulnerability?
Do I matter enough to them to bother them with my issues?
Do I believe that I am worth it?

Then, every time, I seem to commence in a head vs. heart battle. My head knows the logical answers to all of these things, my heart "knows" but seems to stutter when it comes to truly believing, and then I am left paralyzed with indecision and fear.

What I find interesting this time is, I see it. I see what I am doing, I see how I am reacting, I feel the fear intensely, I get what is going on. Yet, through it all, I am still mulling over the questions and doubts. I find my heart refusing to budge, and instead asking questions such as,

What if I am actually too difficult, too frustrating, and too selfish for you to persevere?
What if it takes you too long to get through my walls and all of the mazes, so you give up?
What if I am actually not worth the trouble?
What if my weakness is too much for you to handle with all of your struggles?
What if I cannot actually trust you?
What if you take all of my insecurities and fears and use them against me?
What if all the lies I have taken like battle wounds to my heart are actually true and totally accurate?
What if...... (fill in the blank)

How is it I am 27 and these fears and insecurities (and ultimately lies) come back over and over?

The reality is I have had one, if not several people do or say something (or many things) that has caused one or several of these struggles to become burdens on my heart. These things are not always there, and certainly not in every situation, but enough. Enough that in moments of weakness I am completely lost as to how to reach out. Enough that when I am hurting I do not know how to ask for prayers.. partially because I do not have words to explain the feelings that I am experiencing down to my core. Enough that, I more often than not settle to handle it myself, pray about it a little, and brush it out of my mind so I can move on. Enough that I protect my heart and dance around topics in order to avoid explaining how much I do not have it together, do not know, and am hurting...

What is interesting, is this time around, I have no clue what sparked it.. Sure, I could point to the boy who lied, the frustrations at work, the general exhaustion, the lack of motivation or direction in my life.. I could point to a slew of things that potentially sparked this round of struggles... But, the reality is, I am not sure what actually caused it to come back. (Satan I am sure had a huge role to play.. thank you prince of darkness, who will one day occupy the lake of fire.)

I have had a couple different friends point out this week in various ways that I make it extremely difficult for them to help me, support me or pray for me... I have no idea how to change that, and there is a part of me that does not believe they will stick around long enough to find out.. But, what I do know is I struggle to reach out because the things I am specifically praying for tend to be close to my heart and deeply personal... And, in those moments, with those types of things, I am unsure I want to parade those things and myself to the center of attention. Deep down, I know there are a few friends that are here to stay, and others that God is giving me for a time because they are unique and perfect for this situation.

So, I have no idea where to go from here.

Mounting Attacks...

I do not know why, but sometimes I am completely blown away by the force at which I end up struggling with things.. I am unsure why I do not see it coming more that Satan is mounting an attack, but let me tell you, sometimes I am just totally blindsided.

Today was one of those days.

Looking back on yesterday, I should have known it was coming, I spent a great deal of time praying yesterday, and was feeling particularly antsy and like I just could not rest... yet somehow I missed the signs that a full onslaught of struggling was coming.

Today, I was taken by surprise. I hate getting taken by surprise in this way, I hate that I barely slept, and certainly did not sleep well enough to be able to recognize what was happening. So, instead I spent hours today struggling with some pretty intense fear and anxiety. It was so much so that I literally could not put accurate words to it for hours.. and even after the majority of the attack was over I felt physically exhausted, but still completely jittery.

So, I talked with a few friends, ran my third 5k of the week, and proceeded to have my third core worked out of the week... I am going to be hurting tomorrow.. But, thankfully right now the gym time is working off the extra energy I cannot seem to control, clearing my mind of the fog, and giving me a distinct chance to pray (which seems to naturally be taking its place the last mile of my run).

Thankfully the full onslaught of whatever was going on earlier has been replaced by calm seas once more. I have no idea how people get through days like today without Christ...

I am so glad tomorrow is a new day.

Nice Guys...

"Nice guys finish last."

I cannot count how many times I have heard this saying.. sometimes in exasperation from guys or sometimes as a nonchalant (or maybe jaded or calloused) comment from girls. However, what I do know is the saying has always bothered me, and I always feel the need to defend it with the "no way, that's not true!.." Yet, I always end up feeling defeated with very limited number of examples because I know regardless of what I know to be true, this is a feeling had by a lot of guys (and girls.. "Where are all the good guys?!"... While always choosing the wrong guys.. and I am guilty of this too...).

What is interesting is I know I will "end up" with a nice guy... not meaning the plain, boring, or pushover type of nice guy, but the kind that treats me better than I expect or deserve... Haha There just simply is no chance of me ending up with a boring or plain man. How do I know this? Because I know what is good for me, and the typical "bad guy" that I know has drawn me on several occasions has more to do with the strength of his personality, and the fact that usually those are the types of guys that are straight forward and view me as a challenge... But, that is never the type that will keep me for very long. So, while I hate to admit this, I understand that the typical "nice guy" often will feel like he finishes last because of being less likely to step into the unknown and risk getting hurt to pursue (I am sorry), but in reality, he will not feel that way when he finds his girl.

So, let me take a moment to say, nice guys, please pursue. Risk the pain and pursue us, be patient, be tender, be sweet, and show us we are worth anything... but for the love!!.. pursue us, do not wait for us to notice you, throw you a sign, or initiate. We are waiting for you to notice us, to show us we are important, and to prove to use that our insecurities are unfounded. I am not saying there is any sort of magical recipe for finding love, a girl, or avoiding heartache.. There is most certainly risk involved, and sometimes you will not be able to avoid the turn downs or heartache..

But, please.. please do not stop pursuing and risking for us.

From my experience, I am used to guys showing interest that realistically are not good matches or fits for me (or me for them) because of one reason or a dozen others, but what I have begun to realize over the last little while is that my relationships with them has actually left me extremely broken and insecure on the inside, which rarely comes out in any significant or visible way unless you add a guy into my life, then I throw all my energy into hiding the insecurities and trying to seem composed, put together, and not at all emotional. Sometimes, others can see the ways in which I am damaged and broken, although really you have to look for it (or know what you are seeing) to find it.

However, recently, I have found myself in a situation where a genuinely nice guy is pursuing me.. (and not at all plain, boring or predictable either!) He came out of nowhere (that I could see), and has been a sweet surprise. I am amazed constantly by how tender, caring, honest, and communicative this nice guy is... Not to mention (tall) funny (and tall), and incredibly smart (did I mention tall? haha). We are taking things very slowly, just sort of seeing how this unfolds. He and I both realize there are a lot of challenges ahead, so we are just taking it a little bit at a time and seeing where things go. What has been interesting for me throughout all of this though is how completely and totally sweet and caring he (this nice guy) is, and how much I am completely out of practice, not at all used to, and fairly uncomfortable letting someone else take care of me or go out of their way for me (How can anyone be bad at letting others care for them?!.. I dunno but I would get a gold star...). Thankfully, he is incredibly patient and does not get bent out of shape when I (sometimes) inadvertently fight back on things he wants to do to show I am important or ways he wants to take care of me. In return, I have been working incredibly hard at not even attempting to try to control or manipulate anything in order to make myself more comfortable in this situation I find myself in unexpectedly...

Let me clue you in on some of the internal workings of what is going on with me right now... I am very uncomfortable with, and really have no idea how to handle actually letting someone take care of me without then letting me do something in return or to "balance" things out again. I really like all the small things, and they make me feel incredibly special, but the reality is I have no idea how to respond or how to handle it.. so instead, I just get really awkward (or feel awkward inside haha). I purposefully try to take the focus off of me by asking questions or rambling about nothingness.. Usually in a failed attempt to keep him from seeing what I am thinking or how uncomfortable I feel that he is showing me that I am important. What is interesting for me is that in the midst of all of these conflicting emotions that I deep down I feel cared for in a way that I have never experienced before, which in turn only makes my awkwardness worse (who am I right now?!) haha However, what is the really interesting thing about all of this is how the intense uncomfortable feeling is something that I realize has nothing to do with anything him or his actions, but is purely my own insecurities... and maybe partially because I am a huge fan of practicality (...I am realizing practicality does not, nor do I realistically want it to play a role in how these types of things end up working out).

While I have no idea what is to come, and he and I are both uncertain about the future at this point (can anyone be certain of the future?), I am extremely thankful for getting the chance to experience something new, in a genuine, honest, and caring (and kinda new and exciting) way. I am also finding that I am spending a lot of time praying myself through my fears and insecurities and uttering "your will not mine" in my prayers more than I can remember... I also have found that I have a very welcome but bizarre feeling of peace, not because I feel an inclination in terms of direction, certainty or safety, but because I know that God is actually working things out.. And, in the end, regardless of what this will all end up looking like, I will be so incredibly thankful for all of it, and I will have learned so much.

Something New...

I have had an interesting few weeks, I have been experiencing and walking through, and into some new situations and feelings, and it has brought on some new thoughts and revelations about myself.

Typically, I am a very confident and self assured person. I know who I am and what I believe in when it comes to most any area of myself or my life. However, there are a few circumstances (ok maybe just one) where I begin to allow doubts to creep in.. in fact, it is less that I allow it and more that the devil and I have our own special code for what I should feel or think.. or in reality doubt about myself. I have found myself in that situation again recently, but this time it has caused different reactions or responses than what I have experienced in the past. For example, while all the emotions are still there, the freak outs are very minimal because I have very little guessing to do which keeps my mind from running away like a crazy person... I am finding that I am getting the chance to process through things before I need to react, and thankfully, I have begun to realize where some of my emotions or fears have come from.. which allows me the chance to work through them instead of merely ignore them, only to then have to deal with them at a later inconvenient date.

I have had a few revelations.. or things told to me recently, some of which I know, but often forget, and others I have simply not every considered before. For example, it was brought to my attention that I am of "amazing" character, morals, convictions, care, and love.. (aww thank you) and then it was pointed out that this person thinks part of the reason I am still single has more to do with how intimidating my stance on me not having sex before marriage is to the guys who pursue me... It was an interesting thought that I had never really considered before.. Not that it changes anything, but is just something I had never thought of... Thankfully the person who told me also affirmed their respect and admiration for my position on it, which meant I was not confused about their position or reason for telling me...

I also have realized lately how much I am used to taking care of myself.. I mean, I know that being single sort of brings with it a level of self-centeredness and independence (neither of which are necessarily bad things, but more just a byproduct of not having to run things by someone else). In the process of realizing my natural tendency towards taking care of myself, I realized how much of a struggle.. and I mean legitimate struggle it is for me to let someone else take care of me.. I almost view it as my responsibility to take care of others, not let them take care of me... That's been an interesting thing to learn, and try and walk through.. Graciously.

In addition, I have begun to really process through some of my fears and some of the things that have happened to me in the past. Ways I have been hurt, ways I made poor decisions that lead to additional pain, and ways that I had no idea situations affected me until I had an emotional reaction about them later. It is incredibly interesting to discover things about yourself that you just had no idea existed until the emotions take over.. it is very humbling and difficult to acknowledge.

What I do know at this point is there are new things in my life that are good things, but not easy things that will prove to force me to grow in ways I have never had to before. Should be interesting...

Hello, Good-Bye 2011...

I really love keeping a blog, I enjoy the outlet it gives me to speak my mind, the comfort it offers in getting out the thoughts that are both dear to my heart or frivolously in my head. I made a serious concerted effort this year to blog 4-6 days a week, and for the most part, I am surprised to say I have kept that up.. Not perfectly, and sometimes only because I almost always have my phone in tow and shared pictures of my travels throughout the summer.

However, I have two favorite posts that I have posted annually, the first one looks back on the year and the second one looks forward at the next year. In preparation to write this year's 2011 review I went back and looked at the 2010 look back, and the 2011 look forward. These two blogs really serve as a perfect little reminder of where I am and where I want to be going... Plus, it allows me the chance to update on the goals I had for this year. Christmas just always proves to be one of the best and most memorable times to review and take an internal check so that I can then move forward next year.

So, as always, this year in review will likely be a fairly long post, and while I almost never review the year the same as I have in the past, it remains my favorite post to make each year.

January

The year started off surrounded by so many wonderful people in my fairly new house. Two of my best friends got engaged (to each other) seconds after the 2011 ball dropped, which commenced all of us into seven months of wedding planning and excitement (more on their wedding later).

We got our fifth and final roomie (for a while), and we welcomed into our lives a wonderful and incredibly broken person. Another roomie and I began having serious issues, and as much as I tried, I could not seem to communicate in a manner that helped either one of us... And, eventually the relationship sadly dwindled into co-existence at best.

I began another difficult class in my double masters program, and proceeded to sit on the couch for hours every night having near melt downs trying to understand finance...

My very best friend in the whole world got married in Georgia, and I was so thrilled and honored to stand up in her wedding with eight other beautiful girls and nine great guys. It was a fantastic trip down, and a great celebration!

I joined a gym, and ended up signing up for what turned into five months of personal training sessions twice a week. I looked forward to and loved these couple hours a week because the trainer was a great match to my skill, passion for martial arts, humor, and he improved my body in ways I was unsure could happen... Well worth the money for the time period I was in and how I was feeling.

My birthday... dun. dun. dun. Was actually amazing this year. (whew!) I have had so many issues with my birthday over the  years that this year I was just too scared to hope for anything good, and just decided I wanted one thing. For one of my best friends to come and stay the weekend with me. She surprised me (by showing up late.. haha) with two more girl friends that I love to death sitting on my couch when I got home from dinner.. Which, because of the stress level I was under, I began to tear up just seeing and hugging them.. I then turned around to another friend creeping across the living room, which of course sent me into more tears being just so excited that he too was there... THEN, I was tapped on the shoulder, turned around to find my little brother holding a dozen roses (hands down my favorite birthday gift every year are these roses from my brothers). I just stood there dumbfounded and silent, then finally blurted out "Why are you here?!" then proceeded to hug the life out of him.. and SOB. As in, I could not breathe, I could not talk, I could not see.. I just sobbed and hugged my brother while everyone laughed at my reaction. THEN, the next day my friend/sister/old roomie showed up with cake and two more of my good friends.. and we proceeded to have a perfect weekend around DC exploring the Spy museum and getting Thai food. It was perfect, and I was reminded I am loved.

The day after my birthday we had 30 (or so) people laid-off from my workplace...

February

February is a bit of a blur, I mostly just remember hating life, arguing with one of my roomies a lot, sitting on the couch under blankets, and trying to understand my homework.

I also really remember struggling with my job situation and being totally and completely unhappy.

 But, the most overwhelming thing I remember from February are the feelings of total despair, being stuck, miserable, and totally feeling forgotten and unimportant. I literally remember feeling like I was not myself, but having no idea how to FIND myself again.

March

The most significant thing that happened in March was an out of the blue friend was made from reading my blog. I have no idea why or how she found me, but we began e-mailing several times a week about life, Jesus, pain, hurt, brokenness, Christianity, Christians, etc.. I was totally unsure how to handle the situations she presented me with, but what did end up coming from it was a lot of prayer on my part for her. I was amazed at the honesty she had when talking to me about her life and situations she has been in. I was humbled by the trust she had in me and broken for her and her situation. (I have not heard from her much in the last several months, but I still pray for her, her salvation, and that Jesus would do, what Jesus does in her life.)

I spent a great deal of March trying to figure out how I fit in the DC area. I did not like DC, I did not like my life here, and I really did not like that I felt stuck here. I had little to no friends, and had even fewer people who understood me.

I continued to hate my online class and felt more and more belittled and frustrated at work.

The biggest feelings I have from March are that of feeling unsafe and like the best I had to offer was to "keep it together."

April

April brought my best friend and his wife to visit for our annual Easter weekend together. I needed them more than I think they will ever understand. They understand me, they laugh with and at me, and more than anything, their friendship is solid no matter where we are in life. We had a great weekend in DC, we even went roller blading (old school I know, but it is our thing!).

April also brought with it an acute understanding that I was missing my Savior at my very core. I knew something was missing, I knew I felt lost, and I also knew I had no idea what to do. I felt empty and broken, and felt like I was completely directionless.

What I do remember though on a positive note is how pretty DC is in the spring. The flowers, trees, warm breeze.. it was truly beautiful and I finally found something I enjoyed about living here!

April also kick-started my insanely hectic always busy weekend summer schedule.

May

May brought a lot of wedding showers.. Several friends were getting married, so I traveled to and from Lynchburg a lot in order to feel like I was much more a part of something than I actually was.

I realized in May that I truly was beginning to hate my job because of a couple particularly challenging individuals, and I really was struggling with the Lord on my attitude towards my job and the people causing the issues. I also began seriously searching for a new job...

I spent most of May exhausted. I had almost every moment of every day for the entire month planned out, down to how long it took me to get places. It was all rather ridiculous really... But, the busyness allowed me to fake ok. It is easier for me to fake that I am ok because I was so busy every "not ok" moment can be blamed on exhaustion and not getting enough sleep, and then anything that did not fall under that category could be lumped in with the stress of school and being incredibly busy at work...

I hid my heart and refused to acknowledge the pain going on at my core to anyone else for the entire month.

June

One of our roomies moved out, and another one replaced her. It was both sad and exciting at the same time.

I went home for the first time since Christmas to surprise my brother for his birthday, loved being home and seeing everyone, and it gave me a good reprieve from not feeling like I belonged or fit anywhere.

I left from MI back to DC for a night, then down to FL for a week-long annual convention for work. I spent the better part of the entire month traveling, I acquired a cough I could not get rid of, and spent the majority of my time doing homework in the hammock we had set up in our backyard... I am pretty sure that hammock saved my life this summer haha :)

I had more wedding showers and more traveling back down to Lynchburg, and I honestly have no idea how I found the time to do my homework.. much less understand and pass the class...

I spent a great deal of June trying to do an internal check and figure out what I needed to do to make my life "ok" again. At this point I really realized how much I disliked my life, and I knew I needed to make a change, and I knew a lot of it was that I was not willing to humble myself enough to talk to my Savior about the things really bothering me.. So, God and I began having some pretty serious "what the hell" conversations.. It was actually quite liberating to know He was listening to me spout off like a little child, and that He still cared and loved me..

Also, while this is my first mention of it in this post, I L.O.V.E. my church, and throughout the whole year they really were the one lighthouse that I had. Over the summer, they did a series called the God Anthology, they picked and talked about nine attributes of God. While I was crazy busy, my church remained the one thing about DC I loved and was (and still am) unsure I ever wanted to give up...

The one thing that began to offer some genuine reprieve that I did not even know I needed was having a friend from Lynchburg move to DC. While we were in the same group of friends there, we were not super close.. But she has become such a God send to me. Her friendship, loyalty, humor, adventurous spirit, and level headedness... as well as her love for fun and doing things has been exactly what I did not even know I needed.

July

The two best friends that got engaged on New Years got married over the 4th of July weekend. It was a pretty epic weekend.. One that included a lake day, 11 other bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, several flower girls and ring bearers, three pastors, and a sneak attack surprise of chucks shoes for the dance off at the reception... I got to see so many old friends, meet new ones, and party like crazy celebrating the union of two of my best friends! It was a pretty epic and fantastic wedding weekend :)

It was about this point in the year that I finally began realizing I (while crazy busy) was finding my place in DC. I did not particularly like most of the things going on, and it was not my ideal, but I was able to say that I had friends and that maybe I was making a life here after all... With the exception of the fact that I was still job hunting... and still really wanting to move to Atlanta...

I also realized in July exactly how stressed out I was... So, I took a couple day trips or mornings to relax.. I really thought a couple times I was going to lose it on some poor unsuspecting soul...

I had a period of time in July where it seemed that my virginity came up over and over in almost any situation. I found the conversation empowering and very intriguing as well. I was quite surprised by the interest others had in my choice to remain a virgin until I get married... the reactions were.. priceless and pretty much spanned the gambit. Some were not surprised in the slightest, some thought it was purely accidental, others were completely blown away because apparently I do not seem "the type." However, it really caused me to begin looking at those areas of my life and realize that not only am I not ashamed or embarrassed by them in the slightest, I am very thankful and proud that God and I have this story together.. and that I have the boldness to talk about it with others, and explain eloquently why I am still a virgin.

August

I went home in the beginning of August to help plan and celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary, and it was awesome. We had a blast, and I was reminded once again how absolutely amazing my family is. I am always amazed at how close we are and how much we all genuinely LOVE to be around each other, joking, laughing, reading, talking, watching movies.. whatever.. we love it.

I also went with one of my friends to the Bachata congress here in DC, and we had SO much fun. We were so sore, tired, and our poor feet suffered greatly, but overall it was a fantastic experience, and one that helped me learn so much more about dancing, and helped renew my love for it.

In August we also had an Earthquake in DC (which you can see the destruction my place suffered here), and a hurricane... although I left to visit my best friend and her husband during the hurricane, and helped them move.. It was a long and tiring weekend, but I loved every minute of it because I was with them!

I could tell by the end of August I was really getting antsy for life to FEEL normal. I wanted to feel like I belonged, like God and I were close again, like I was important, like I had value to offer, and I longed to enjoy my job once again...

September

I spent the first half of September really evaluating where I was, and really ready inside to take a moment and breathe. I felt like I was drowning and like nothing anyone said was relieving my stress.

Thankfully I had a free airplane ticket to use and some extra time off, so I peaced out to California to see my cousin. We spent four days in southern California doing whatever we pleased to celebrate her 3rd anniversary (even though her husband was deployed at the time). We laid on the beach, played in the VERY cold water, got pedicures, ate amazing food, walked down the beach, took paddle boarding lessons, made amazing homemade food, and watched movies.. not to mention talked and laughed for all four days. It was during that break that I FINALLY felt something break. It was like God had released the pressure valve on my stress level and I could finally think, feel, and process clearly. I felt content inside my soul once again... I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

We also celebrated the 10th anniversary (has it REALLY been that long?!) of the 9/11 terrorist attacks...

I was reminded during September how much I am loved, and for whatever reason I was finally able to start understanding it deep down.. I am surrounded by friends who love me and send flowers just because they knew I was having a rough week..

October

I finally knew what contentment felt like, and it was like a dew kissed morning.

I became debt free except for my student loans in October, and the new found freedom is awesome!

The biggest thing I remember from October is feeling like I finally found my groove. I finally felt like I was BUILDING a life.. and while I was not too thrilled with certain situations with work or school still, I had peace once more, and knew I was going to be ok.

I made the decision to sign the lease at the end of the month, which essentially meant I was committing to another year here in DC... I was a little worried I was making a mistake, but knew I needed to make a choice regardless and let God do his thing and figure out what was going to happen.

I also ran my first 10k.. and I RAN the whole thing.. the furthest I have ever run.. in my ENTIRE life.. I was pretty stoked.. then I walked like an 85 year old man for several days haha!

November

November seemed like it FLEW by to me. I am not entirely sure where the month went..

I think the most unique thing about November for me was all of the things that felt like they began settling into place. For starters, it went down in record as the longest I had lived in one place for the last nine years (whoa!). I had not realized how transient my life was, and how almost bizarre it felt to live in the SAME place not having to pack up or move anywhere... Such a unique feeling.

I was able to reconnect with an old friend from Freshman year of college, and it has become such a welcome surprise and rekindling of a friendship.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner with the help of a friend... and it wasn't easy, but we had fun and only had a few minor mishaps..

I began reading and finished reading Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie (the founder of TOMS Shoes) and was incredibly inspired...

Work became suddenly significantly easier and less stress filled due to staffing changes, it was almost a visible change in my stress level and it could not have come at a more perfect time. This made it easier to decide that I can stay where I am until God really moves me elsewhere...

Overall it was a good month, not void of frustrations or annoyances, but definitely one of the best months I have had in around a year in a half...

I also met a guy through a mutual friend that I have been on a few dates with, he has proven to be much nicer than I am used to in the men I typically date. I have absolutely no idea where it is going, but after a few (somewhat minor) freak outs I have settled into trusting that God knows what He is doing and walking through this door and seeing what happens.

December

I cannot believe December is almost over... Where did this year go? The most challenging thing about this year is there were so many reoccurring feelings and frustrations that it makes the entire year blend into itself...

This month I have spent a great deal of time feeling like life is normal.. Well normal aside from trying to figure out if I like this guy while at the same time understanding that the emotions do not accurately reflect reality and just enjoying it is really the key.

What I do know is that the Lord and I are reconnecting.. Prayer comes easier again, and just sitting and being with my Savior is something I am enjoying again.

2011

Hands down of the most stressful and pressure filled years I have ever had... While I would NEVER.. ever choose to re-live this year, I can honestly say I am so thankful to have been through this year and survived. I learned so many things about prayer, stress, pressure, friends, and know without any shadow of a doubt that patience was created and increased ten fold in my life this year.

While this is a gross exaggeration of what has happened this year, I feel like Job at the end of his book in the Bible, an overwhelming sense of peace and an acute awareness of the blessings in my life.

Please Lord, do not ever make me repeat this year, but thank you for all the times you carried me and comforted me while I struggled. Thank you for proving once again you are faithful and that no matter where I am, what I am going through or who I am dealing with you not only care, but you hear me when I talk to you. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and for putting the people in my life I needed to survive. Thank you for teaching me another thing or two about humility and compassion, and for growing my heart for the lost and broken.

I have no idea what to expect for the next year, I would love for it to be a fantastic year, but I have no sense of what is to come at all. But, what I do know is, if the last couple years are any indication, it is going to be a very... interesting year!

Not My Own...

Several weeks ago, Dick Foth spoke at my church for a two part series "Hallowed" which roughly means "Holy." He talked about the Lords prayer and just what exactly are we asking for when we say the Lords prayer. In case you have never heard it or just want a refresher:

"Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And, lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the Kingdom,
The power,
and the Glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen."

Even though this is old English, I still like this version the best.
There is a different cadence to it that I enjoy, which is ironic since I do not really like any other verses in old English.

One of the things that was pointed out was "Thy will be done.." and how even in the Garden of gesthemany where Jesus was crying, praying, and basically asking God to find another way to save us He essentially said "Thy will be done.."...

"...he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want.'" -Matthew 26:39b

This has really been sticking with me lately after Dick Foth made mention of, how different would our lives and the lives of those around us look if more people said more often "... not my will, but yours..."

So, what if?.. What if I said that more times a day than I can count? How different would my life look if every prayer, everything ended with "but, not my own will, but yours be done here."? Would my life dramatically change?
I dunno, maybe.

Maybe I would stop stressing so much,
Maybe I would be less afraid of getting hurt again,
Maybe I would stop trying to keep everything together perfectly,
Maybe I would stop paying attention to the wrongs against me,
Maybe I would stop trying to control everything,
Maybe I would be more patient,
Maybe I would be more compassionate,
Maybe I would see someone else's hurt before my own,
Maybe I would be less selfish,
Maybe I would begin to be more fulfilled in every situation,
Maybe I would have more peace and contentment in my life,
Maybe I would hurt more because I was seeking God's will more,
Maybe my life would get harder,
Maybe I would cry more,
Maybe my heart would be broken more for what breaks God's,
Maybe I would get hurt more,
Maybe I would get my heart broken again,
Maybe I would love unabashedly,

Maybe more people would come to know Christ,
Maybe God would change the world with my life.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this concept, and just working through the idea that I want to walk through any door and any path the Lord has put before me regardless of what is going on or the result.

This was aided by today's sermon by Mark Batterson about how sometimes God's plan does not make sense for 55-1500 years... He listed several stories in the Bible that the individuals would likely have said "thanks but no thanks" and would have chosen to write it differently, but that later, and sometimes 1500 years (and however many generations that is) later it all makes perfect beautiful sense as to why something happened the way it did. He also pointed out that when God does miracles, they never are convenient, and often really get in the way of life and our plans. Such an interesting thought.

Am I open to be inconvenienced for God?.. Gosh I hope so.

I guess I just feel like I am at this place right now where I know that some crazy things are coming around the corner, some probably scary, others exciting, likely some stressful things, and everything in between, but what I know above and beyond that is I desire God's will over my own. With Him directing and taking the lead I have no reason to fear...

Not my own, but yours my King.

Connecting Again...

I have been doing a lot of praying lately about all sorts of things, friends, family, a wide variety of health, schooling, relationships, safety, salvation etc..etc.. I have really grown to love my getting ready for the day/bed time while I wash my face, do my hair, make up or brush my teeth because it gives me a chance to pick one or two of the things on my 3x5 prayer cards to focus on and really touch the face of God. While I pray throughout the day, I tend to view these 30 minutes to an hour a couple times a day, just before I fall asleep, and while I drive to or from work as real anchors in my talking moments with my sweet Savior.

I have felt a serious sense of connection once again to my sweet Jesus, partially because He clearly has overcome a lot of things in my life and it is fairly apparent we are on to new and as of yet unattained heights. But, with that comes a lot of prayer for relationships, not just mine, but also the ones my friends (or family) are in. Friendships, dating, engaged or married relationships, and just really asking that God take over and overwhelm their (and my) minds and hearts..

What is interesting to me is how much peace and contentment comes from these moments I am connecting with my Lord. I have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of a lot of my friends or family that I am praying for but, what I do know is everyone I know could use some additional prayers.. Including myself.

There are a lot of things going on that I did not see coming and certainly was not expecting, and since that just wreaks of a loss of control, I am slightly prone to freak mentally... Yet, in reality I know that freaking out does nothing to aid the situation.. And still, even in the midst, at my very core, at the center of my internal storms I know that my God is here, walking through and guiding me speaking words of "peace be still." I realized last week that no matter the outcomes of things going on in my life right now, I would always choose to walk through these doors.

Last night I was talking to someone about the idea of pain, frustration, brokenness, and how much people often try to drowned out the thoughts and feelings with various methods... drinking, movies, games, incessant noise, drugs, sleep etc..etc.. What I realized is, I never want to forget these moments of pain, fear, brokenness. I do not want to undo the memories and let them fade away like the mundane memories I have already forgotten throughout my life. I want to always remember both the good and the bad things that I have been through. I have learned so much about what I believe and who I am through these instances that, forgetting would be not just tragic, but devastating to me. I realized last night that even though I have had some serious shouting matches at the Lord (I've yet to have him shout back), I always knew He is still here, He loves me, and one day it all will make perfect beautiful sense. I also realized last night that while I never actively choose the painful mistakes I have made again, I know that the only way I will be able to keep from repeating the same stupid things over and over is by remembering... even if remembering is really painful, I will still choose it... It is such an intense motivator for me.

I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to love better, care more, have more compassion, and draw closer to the one and only Lord.

Fear Altering...

Fear has an interesting way of pervading our view, obstructing reality, and coloring life differently. I have realized in the last couple weeks how much fear really can completely change how we see life; it easily becomes the sole focus of my mental energy and leaves me feeling both frustrated and over-reactive.

I also realized about a week ago that, I have essentially two options with my fear, I can do what comes naturally and act as though it is life as usual or I can actually process the fear out... I naturally want to hide the fear due to the fact that it does not require me to be vulnerable.. It is the easier path for me to walk because I can fake confidence... However, if I actually process the fear out and figure out what is causing it, and where it came from to begin with, then I can actually work towards letting it go, taking active steps to release the fear and then move on.

It took me a solid week of flipping back and forth between what is comfortable and safe for me to do and what is quite honestly the best thing for me regardless of my feelings... And then, tonight I realized, I need to process through my fear before it consumes my entire perspective on life... I have never been a fearful person, I love and embrace adventure and the unknown typically, but in a few very out of my control situations the fear paralyzes me... I absolutely refuse to be paralyzed in my life, there are way too many experiences to be had, too many people to love, and way too many things to learn for fear to be the default reaction.

So, with a lot of prayer, a lot of talking, and probably a decent amount of blogging, God and I will work through this fear, and He will pull it out of my unsure and unsteady hands only to replace it with a peace that only He can give... That is what I aim for, regardless of if the fear has any substantiated reality in my life in the future.

Should be a wild and scary ride... oh gosh...

Cannot Be Repaid...

I have had a bucket list of things I want to do for pretty much as long as I can remember.. it has gone through various phases and updates, taken the form of barely more than excited thoughts of adventure to a running list with accomplishments crossed out.

Tonight I want to focus on one small one that I put on my bucket list because it would serve as a forever reminder that life is bigger than me.. That I am selfish, but if I can truly pull this off, then it serves as yet another reminder that Jesus makes me new and more like Him every day.

"Do something for someone they cannot repay."

That is on my bucket list. I want to get in the habit of doing things for people with literally no thought of reward for myself. Sometimes things I do come with a subconscious understanding that I will reap some sort of reward.. Sometimes, I know that through my actions God will bless me.. and other times, like in the case of this item on my bucket list.. The sheer idea of it is too big for me to accomplish on my own and that is partially why this is one of my favorite things on my bucket list. Because this is the type of thing that really is so beyond myself that I just want to be a part of it...

A few weeks ago, I think I found what will fulfill this. I do not know if it will pan out, but I really want it to and I am scared for it to turn out at the same time.

I know that by posting the specifics, it puts it out there for criticism, judgement, and concerns from those who are convinced that I do not think things through or that I act rashly often times.. or because they are just natural worriers.. But, I also know that it gives me the chance to share this process regardless of how it turns out, and it all gives Jesus another chance to shine... 

So, here goes, a couple of years ago I met a now friend and her husband through a mutual close friend of ours. I found out then, but did not think much more about the fact that her husband had kidney failure and has been dealing with it for (now three) years. Anyway, thanks to social media I have been able to keep up (ok more like stalk) her and her husband, their recent pregnancy and birth of their first beautiful baby (a girl!).. and of course all the adorable pictures that ensure with cute babies!

However, he has begun to seriously look for a kidney donor due to his kidney failure. So, I thought about it for about a week or so, and decided that I would go get tested to see if I am a match. That was the least I could do since the first step is to be the same blood type, and since I am O- and he is O.. first step is done. I have sent in the first of what will likely be numerous documents in the process of getting tested to see if I can donate one of my kidneys to him.

Which means that now begins the heavy lifting of my prayers about this whole thing.. For me, for him, for their family, and for anyone else who I have no idea will be touched because of Jesus' hand on this whole situation... That last part is what excites me the most.

I know there are lots of risks, life would be different, more challenging, and there are a serious number of risks and medical complications later in life for me with one kidney...

I. Know. It. Is. Dangerous.

But, how can I say no if there is a chance I could save his life... or dramatically improve his quality of life at the very least? How can I say no to someone's new baby girl? How could I say no to my friends?..

And, it all comes back to "God's will, not mine." So, if this is supposed to happen, and it is a part of God's plan for my life and the life of my friends, then all of the steps (and there are a lot of them) will work out seamlessly, there will have no doubt that this is supposed to work out exactly this way. If this is not God's will, then there are plenty of doors to close along the way... So, in this process, I am going until God says no... Which tends to be my mode of operating the last few years anyway... I have just enough faith to know my savior is capable of anything, and this is just a fraction of how he could use me to change the lives of others.

If you think about it, please pray because this situation is gonna need a lot of Jesus to work out.. whether it works out with my involvement or someone else's...

Stripped Away...

It is interesting to me how slowly, methodically, and calculated the Lord pulls away things in your life that distract you from Him. Sometimes I think He does it fast, but more often than not I feel like God does it slowly with me. As though He pulls away the layers in such a fashion that not only do I not have a choice but to let go, but it causes me to turn to Him a little bit more each layer.

Sometimes I think God moves so slowly because I am just that stubborn... and other times I believe He moves that slowly because any faster and I would break.

It is a wonderful thing though to come out on the other side, healed, new, and closer to my savior than ever before.

Doubts...

I was thinking a little bit today about doubts and fears. I am not talking about basic doubt or fears, but the ones deep down inside that really can impact a lot of areas of your life... I was also thinking a bit about how doubts and fears grow, change, or reduce... For example, my biggest fear in college was "ending up alone," meaning I was worried I would be the scary, slightly crazy cat lady at the end of the road.... (or dog lady as it would likely end up ;) I had serious doubts that God heard my pleas and cries for Him to bring me someone so I would not have to do "this" (life) alone. These thoughts ebbed and flowed depending on what was going on around me and how busy or fulfilled I felt. But, one thing remained, there was fear in (what I thought was the worst thing possible) being alone.

What is interesting to me, is, I have found myself genuinely coming out of that fear and those doubts in the last couple years, but mostly in the last year or so. Part of it has been because of my need to focus elsewhere, which removal from the feelings and situation long enough always allows some distance from the thoughts or desires (for me at least). Other parts of it have to do with needing to comfort those around me that I am in fact not lonely at all, not in the slightest... And, finally, I realized that I honestly, whole heartedly trust God's plan for my life. Whether that means I will be the cool fun aunt that never has a husband and family of her own.. or whether that means some day I will adopt my own kids as a single woman... or if I find myself in love, married, and a family of my own. I do not in any way regret or find disappointment in my life so far regardless of the future. I realized sometime in the last year that I genuinely am enjoying my journey, and no part of me feels lacking or that God has left me wanting...

I was marveling the other day at how content I am with life as a whole. I have had some serious struggles, issues, and fires I feel like I have been through the last couple years, but currently I find that I am just content. I love my life... If God chooses to bring me a man.. then He's really gonna have to work on that one, cause not only am I busy (no really, that's not even an avoiding a date line), I am not particularly looking in a guy entering my life in a manner beyond just friends (kiss of death for guys, sorry). You see, it is not that I am against dating or having a guy pursue, I just do not have any, nor know of any that I am hoping will "come get/find me." I like my life just the way it is, single, difficult, busy, and (surprisingly) in DC. If God's will or plan is for me to find "the one" (I am not really sure I believe in that anyway), then I have total and complete confidence that God will work it out... and the guy will be perfect for me haha.. Meaning, he will have no bones about pursuing, and work to get/have me.... thus making me fall deeply and madly in love with him.... haha maybe someday... but not today, and likely not anytime soon.

So, whether you are single or you simply are worried about a single friend, let me encourage you to definitely be praying for the situation, but do not doubt God's plan and the perfectness of how it will all work out in the end. "Do not worry about tomorrow" including worry about the singleness of your loved ones (or yourself).

Trust God.

The Pursuit of Perfection...

My friend and I both really like the tag line for the Lexus "The pursuit of perfection" ... we like that it is a journey and never ending push to be perfect.

Last night I was reminded once again I am still in this pursuit.. I am not there... *big sigh* I wish I was a lot further along in my journey than I am.. but, I cannot change where I am except to push forward. I hate when things get pointed out to me that I am less than perfect on.. and it really does not matter what the thing is... or if I have a legitimate reason I am not an expert at it, I still hate that I am not perfect.. a natural.. whatever... But, even more than that I hate when they are right.

Last night I was shown in a gentle, nice, straight to the point way yet another way I do not relinquish control. I do not willingly let someone else lead. In fact, I will assume the lead before I have realized that is what I have done... It comes naturally at this point because of how long it has been necessity in my life... Back to my tango lessons huh?... Learning to follow a lead with my eyes closed trusting I will be safe and not run into anything.. gah!

I realized a few days ago just how frustrated I get at myself.. for anything. I was really frustrated because I could not figure out how to solve the problems of a couple friends and those around me... It is not even my job, and yet here I am... frustrated because I somehow feel I should be able to help more then I do.

And then, epiphany... Maybe that is what God is going through AGAIN with me... Be patient, wait, stop, trying to control will only leave me failing and frustrated... *another big sigh*

I have found myself in several conversations lately where I have been squarely faced with this issue... and I am finding I have more options in my repertoire of responses then I ever thought I had before... I have no idea where these sudden new responses are coming from but I am finding them fascinating (Thank you Jesus). My usual responses in the past have been full of puffed up arrogance or I have been so full of pride that I would never want to admit that the person might be right, so I would justify and try and explain in an attempt to make sure I was not viewed less than perfect still... Now I am finding that mostly I just sit or stand there and listen to what is being said, what I am being accused of, what perceptions are being explained.. and sadly a lot of times they are true.. I hate that I am not perfect. That I cannot flawlessly lead when I need to and gracefully step aside when I am supposed to... It is that gracefully step aside thing that I become a klutz about.

I think I need to seriously reevaluate some of the way I do things currently though... I have no idea what that looks like, but I think it is about to rock my world. I feel numb currently.. not in a bad way, but in the God is about to move inside of me, so he numbs the area that will be focused on beforehand... Or in some cases things get numbed so you cannot control them.. that is what I feel like God is doing. He is numbing me so that He can work effortlessly without me screaming in pain...

"Take my fret, take my fear. All I have, I’m leaving here. Be all my hopes, be all my dreams. Be all my delights, be my everything. And It’s just you and me here now. Only you and me here now." - Only You, David Crowder Band

Gain or Lose...

I would like to just start with the fact that I love my daddy. He is an amazing man, full of love, grace, compassion, and wisdom. Sometimes I forget how much these things exude from him until I get the chance to seek him out for something, and he so lovingly reminds me of these things in the way he talks to me and the advice he gives. I love my daddy and the man he is. :) (yeah yeah.. I'm a daddy's girl)

I find myself in a really interesting.. and new situation now. I love how I can look back at where Jesus has taken me and the journey He's brought me on so far, and I can see where and why I have gone through things. "For a time such as this.."

I was talking with my cousin today and I asked him "in all honesty, am I a strong person?" he laughed at me and explained how I am the strongest person he knows... It was an interesting conversation, but I found it fascinating because I know how uncertain I can be on the inside. I know how often I fail or doubt God's plan... Yet, in and through it all God allows me to be strong. Sometimes, I feel like the poster child for "I never give you more than you can handle..." But, sometimes (or days) it sure feels like it's more than I can handle..

However, I find myself in a unique position right now. I am totally at peace with things, not that I like everything or feel like it's ok to just stay exactly where I am, or that I do not have uncertainty... I have all of these (and more).. but somewhere in the midst of all of this I have this overwhelming peace that everything will be ok. I will probably face some serious struggles coming up, I will probably mess up and not handle them with grace or love.. but I sure am going to try my best, and try to seek my savior first, before I make any terrible mistakes that cannot be "fixed."

I realized today that these new challenges in my life are going to take lots of prayer.. specific and general. They are going to take grace, patience, love, compassion, perseverance, and lots and lots of Jesus.. Part of that understanding comes from talking with my dad last night, and he said some pretty profound things (as usual) to me.. One specifically has been ringing in my head all day...

"Krista, you have nothing to gain if you choose to walk away and not put your heart into this. You also have nothing to lose by putting your heart into this."

Oh how right my dad is. I am a stupid girl who is stronger than I realize most of the time, but need my sweet Jesus more than I admit every day, but in the midst of all of this, I have nothing to lose... and I gain nothing if I walk away for fear of getting hurt or messing up.

So, all uncertainty aside, I am choosing to put my heart into this and see where Jesus takes it. I am very much at peace with it all, and I am ok not knowing all the details right now... but mostly, I am just really excited at the adventure that is ahead, regardless of what it brings my way. I love adventure, especially knowing my Jesus is leading it :)

Illogical Fears...

I for years have struggled with the "you're such a girl" remark.. the idea that someone would think I was like "those" girls was revolting to me. I have always hated that someone would think my emotions ruled me instead of my logic and understanding. I have always despised each of the moments in my life where emotions clearly took over and I was thinking and processing through emotions instead of logic.

Today I had a moment.. am having a moment. I would be lying if I tried to claim it was a come and go with the passing wind type thing. Instead, it came like a hurricane.. and is choosing to sit and stay a while.

I have not experienced this type of gut wrenching fear of an emotion in almost 2 1/2 years.. What is interesting to me, is the experience is almost like cutting your hand really badly, and being fascinated by the pain and blood.. Not for any other reason then it being odd.. This emotion is so intimately familiar, yet I have not experienced it in such a long time that I feel like I am turning it over and over tenderly, going through it once again.

I sometimes am amazed at how visceral things can be for me. I tend to pride myself in my attempts at being logical, think and process my way through something.. But, then out of nowhere an old fear will return and I am reminded my Jesus made me a certain way and I am still susceptible to all the "wonderful" emotions of being a girl. And, not only that, it is ok.. I am supposed to be more emotional and caring and nurturing than guys... I was created. Made. Woven. Knit. to be these things... Awesome.

At church on Sunday Joni Erickson-Tada (sp?) spoke (via a previously recorded interview) and she made the comment that each of us deal with trials that are not the "God's aiming a hose at the earth, and everyone gets rained on at some point" but it is intimate and specifically ordained and created for each of us.

So, in that, being totally real, totally open. I am afraid of getting hurt again, but I did not really realize this. I mean I always kinda knew I was afraid, but I had forgotten about this feeling, this emotion and how powerful it is. I had assumed the bulk of it was dealt with and Jesus and I had worked through it.. I mean it took me 6 months last time!... I have not experienced this in a really long time.. and yet here it is, just as real as before, just as looming and threatening, just as suffocating... All I keep telling myself is "dang it.. why am I such a girl?" As I fight tears and try to orient myself to some sort of logical reaction.

What is interesting to me in this whole thing.. Nothing happened. haha How dumb am I?.. Talk about lack of logic, nothing really out of the ordinary happened, and yet I find myself struggling to hold back tears and not be afraid of the "what if's" that have no real basis considering the conversations and understanding.. the actual knowledge that I do have in this situation. Somehow, my emotions and fears have devised a plan against me... or maybe more accurate, Satan knows what fears grip my heart... and he whispers them into my ear at the perfect time.

I also find it slightly ironic that the very thing that has caused me to fear, is also the thing I want to comfort me...

Yet another example of how weak I truly am and how much I need my sweet Jesus every day.

Humbled Heart...

Even when I have it all together, things out of my control spiral into chaos. I can do nothing wrong, and still find myself in the midst of issues and problems to solve...

Last night I was faced with a situation that to be totally honest is not the end of the world, or even close to it. Yet, somehow it still hit just the right spot at the right time to cause a meltdown of sorts.. probably the closest to a meltdown that I have had in.. more than a year probably.

All the details aside, the biggest thing was the realization once again of how totally out of my hands everything is. I can do everything right, mind my own business, keep the confidence of friends.. and yet somehow that can still lead to my character being questioned. I am not totally sure why it irks me so badly when my character is questioned.. or I guess when it is questioned by people who should know me better than that.

Regardless, this situation became like a title-wave, I suddenly was face to face with the realization that I am helpless. But, it was more than that, I feel like I am being shown the areas of my life that I feel I have it all together, that I do not really need God to take complete control and guide me...

Jesus is really been working into me the need for my reliance on Him.. even (or especially) when I feel like I have it all together..

So, somehow this situation, that ultimately was not the biggest of deals, lead to me sitting in a small garden with a water fountain and several benches after dark, bawling and praying to my sweet Savior to help me.. explaining that I was afraid of being helpless and not wanting to learn these things that it seems like He is trying to teach me, I was frustrated and I know I need Him, but haven't a clue how to make everything work. I was frustrated that even when I do nothing wrong things still fall apart, and in the process I take the attacks on my character personal. Satan knows where to plant the fears, and I do not like the idea that I cannot handle whatever comes my way. But, the reality is I cannot... Even the smallest of things need to be given over, let go of, relinquished.. That's where true freedom will come...

*sigh* I feel like I have a lot to learn suddenly.

Such a Girl...

So, here's the thing.. Obviously I am a girl.. but I HATE when people say, "You're such a girl" .. Even the people I know who are saying it with truly nice intentions. I seriously dislike it... Mainly because, somewhere along the way it got conveyed that being told "You're such a girl" was sort of derogatory, and it was meant in a less than positive light... it somehow means that I am not as good, too much to handle, emotional, and obviously not as perfect as a boy, somehow I am found lacking. I do not have a clue where this understanding came from.. lots of small comments here and there probably.. from both guys and girls...

Growing up, I have always known I hated being compared to the general girl population at large.. I try to set myself apart from them in an effort to "make up" for the retardedness that, lets be honest, IS us girls (especially as a whole). Part of that feeling of needing to make up for girls comes from my tomboy side, where if the boys could do it, so could I. I always have strived to be either better or at the very least equal to them. Whatever I was striving for, it all centered around not being weak. I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy the Martial Arts so much... I have to do things differently (to make up for my lack of strength), but I was always comparable to the boys in technique, speed, timing, strength, agility, etc.. etc..

And, like always, somewhere along the way God started changing my heart. Somewhere along the way I realized my role to play is not the same as the guys... I started acknowledging my desire to be found beautiful.. not just skillful or capable. At some point I realized, I truly love being a girl.. but, it still seems like it is not a good thing to be a girl.. or a typical girl. And yet, if you ask anyone they would NEVER admit that... unless, they had to deal with an emotional, bi-polar, high-maintenance, needy, weak, girl.. then suddenly she becomes "such a girl" again. I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever heard that saying in a positive light. Somehow, it always carry's negative connotations.

In the ever present Jesus trying to mold me and shape me, my views tend to never stay exactly where they are for very long. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that every single day I ask God to make me into the person He wants me to be. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I tell Him to use me and send me wherever He wants to.. I dunno.. either way, He is constantly moving, molding, growing, and stretching me... Constantly. No joke.

So, last night I was talking to one of my best friends.. I love talking with this friend about growing and molding things that God is doing because he always has such a unique perspective that is totally grounded in Scripture, makes sense and always makes me think. Even if I do not adopt all of his views or perspectives, he always gets my mind mulling over the topic.. Which I love...

Anyway, we were talking and our conversation got around to a particular guy in my past who whether intentionally or inadvertently caused a ridiculous amount of pain, self loathing, hurt, destruction, insecurities, etc..etc.. in my life. It took me 6 months to recover, and in that time God did a lot.. and honestly He pretty much held me together cause I could not handle any sort of attacks on my heart during that time. I was ridiculously fragile, and He so lovingly knew that and protected me while healing me and piecing me back together better and stronger..

In the course of the conversation I was explaining how everything went down, and how destructive it was on my heart. He so carefully listened and processed, and asked a couple questions, then asked why I thought it had caused so many problems. So, I began explaining the whys behind the story itself.. basically, it was because I made a conscious decision to allow this boy to pursue me, I decided that even though there were obvious challenges because of his honesty it would work, that I needed to seriously work on and learn how to be supportive and submissive, a little more dependent than I had been in the past, and I needed to learn how to be BE pursued. So, I did. I began actively doing things to make myself learn, all the while being scared, but knowing I needed to learn how to do this. And, then in the end for whatever reason in a 30 minute conversation where we were trying to work a couple things out.. he tore me apart. Everything I was trying to learn and do, and the various ways I was trying to grow he shredded to pieces. He somehow attacked my insecurities and planted seeds of doubt into the things I was confident in. Satan had a heyday with this and knew it. Satan KNEW exactly where to hit me and how hard to hit me... I literally was not expecting it, and it blind sided me. My armor was down because I chose for it to be.. and it about killed me from the inside out. I have never loathed myself so much. To this day it literally pains me to remember this whole thing, and how much havoc Satan was able to accomplish inside my heart.

My friend thought for a moment, and summed it all up saying basically I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable and he tore it apart instead of taking care of that.. Which, is pretty much exactly what happened... I explained a few more details and thoughts..

Then, my friend lovingly smiled and said "You're such a girl." ........... What?!... I knew he did not intend it in any harmful way or in a negative light.. but I honestly could not think of a positive way he could mean a statement like that. So, I began pushing for an explanation for why he would say that. At which point a couple things became clear...

1. I dislike being weak, and being told I'm a girl assumes a weakness I despise.
II. His meaning for saying what he said, and my understanding.. NOT the same.. not even close...
Tres. In an effort to "make up" for all the other crazy girls in the world certain aspects of being a girl I have decided are not good.
Four. I seriously need to take a closer look at the things I dislike, and even the things I do like, and put them to the test in the Bible.

Soo.. With all that said.. Here I go. In the next little while, I will be detailing out where God is growing, moving, asking me to let go, things I need to realize, hang onto etc.. etc.. All in an effort to.. well, grow and become more of the GIRL my sweet Savior wants me to be....

Ugh, why do I feel like this is going to be a ridiculous challenge?.. A positive? I am doing this with another girlfriend... We shall see where God leads us.

The Fear That Grips...

So, I've found myself in a situation recently where I am.. in plain simple words fearful of what could happen... The situation itself is not new, and in fact has been going on since October... it's just getting progressively more odd and the individual that it involves has been getting progressively more erratic. Up until recently none of the situation scared me, I saw it for what it was, realized the potential danger, the consequences, and the reality of certain aspects if I did or did not respond and act in various ways. I decided I would draw whatever I could and cause/allow it to slowly fade away when I did not nurture the situation.

Essentially what happened is, I was the first to get attention, then it faded when I did not respond, then others began getting it and it was worse, so I drew the attention to get it away from them since.. lets be honest I'm more capable of dealing with certain situations given my background and experience. So, I took the brunt and it worked well for a while. Especially when guy friends stepped in and decided I was NOT under any circumstances going to handle this on my own... ps I love my friends. So, things were going well. Things were under control. It seemed like they were fading away again and this time it would stay away... I'm naive what can I say I guess...

Then, suddenly out of nowhere it got a whole lot worse than it had been before. I decided after not much prodding, and several very concerned guy friends that I would take what I had to the proper people who could actually use what I had. Although, it was all surreal and a little on the odd side, I remained un-phased by the scariness of the whole situation. I realized what had to be done and that is more important than anything. Staying focused and keeping the task and the goal as priority in this situation was more important and took precedence over any and all emotions I had about the matter. I needed to keep my head on straight to help those around me that were nervous, worried, scared, etc..etc.. from getting worse. My perspective was simply that regardless of what the outcome was.. I would take it, good, bad, worse, indifferent.. I would rather anything that could happen happen to me, I serve a bigger God and I am well aware of that.

And then, I got an email at an address that shouldn’t have been found, and would have required more than just some casual searching. The contents were blatant lies… but, the person claimed I had said these things to them… At this point the un-phased part of this situation stopped being a part of my thought process… I felt myself slip into irrational thinking and fear and I was powerless to stop it.

So, what I really want to talk about is fear that takes over… I felt myself slipping into an irrational fear, I felt my mind going into my pattern thinking type of process, and I began to not be able to explain in any sort of linear fashion. I was scared and I knew it. Not really because of anything other than the possibilities of what could happen. Where do they end? I had a hundred and some odd “what if’s” playing in my head… I knew exactly what was happening and I realized I didn’t know how to feel. Angry? Sad? Scared? Confused? Frustrated? Mad? Worried? Indifferent?... Or was this what I had been planning the whole time.. pull this towards myself so it wouldn't be some other girl. I couldn’t think straight enough to decide what I needed to feel. I forgot who my God is. For a brief moment I felt alone and as though nothing and no one would solve this problem....

"what if...."

How terrible of a place to be.

And then, I sought out first one friend and then the second because I couldn’t think straight enough to think of anyone else who would be able to protect me in this situation. They both validated my feelings, and then began helping me figure out what steps I needed to take.. Linear in fashion of course, because I couldn’t think through what to do. It was like my mind became fuzzy and loud. I was having a hard time even processing what they were talking about, so they both had to step by step me because that's about as far as I could go. If they gave me a whole bunch in a row I couldn't keep straight which needed to get done when.. Like I said, my brain went pattern, fuzzy, and loud. Then, they both began helping me see the humor in the situation, which is exactly what I needed because I needed to find something tangible that would help pull me out of my thoughts. Each of them explained how they would help, both using humor to exaggerate the situation… And, once I began to calm down inside I was able to see my situation for what it is… Someone who God has to save, and regardless I am His, I am His child and He loves me.

I need my God. Nothing’s changed. I am in a world full of “what if’s” and I have two basic options… choose fear or choose God. Every situation I struggle with is based off those two basics.. Choose fear and allow Satan to pervade my mind or choose God and allow Him to cleanse and calm my mind. The reality is fuzzy and loud are what happens when fear takes over... and then when I realize it and ask God to come back into my mind and take over I get clear and sharp again.

Currently I’m bouncing back and forth… I’m worried because there is a very real possibility that things could go badly, and I really don’t want to deal with it when it does... But, I find myself not fearful of it at the exact same time because I would rather it be me than another, my God is bigger, my friends aren’t just gonna sit by and watch, my Savior will save, and regardless this will be another step in my journey that God has laid out for me.. It will all be worth it if I can use this later.

So, while I’m worried I know in the end the good guys win.